The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread

[k.h.]

Okay, news just in that Monica is now voting Republican.  Seems the Democrats left a bad taste.

[k.h.]

TOP 10: LAWS OF AUTO RACING


10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".

9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.

If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.

7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.

6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.

5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.

4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.

3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.

2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.

1) A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!

[k.h.]

A man walks into a bar with his dog. A Skittles Cup race is on a TV.

He sits down and asks how his favorite driver is doing. The bartender says "Running 25th". The dog jumps up, and runs around
the barstool 25 times. A couple of laps later, the bartender says "Your driver is up to 10th". The dog jumps up again and runs around
the barstool 10 times. A few laps later, the bartender says "He's up to 3rd",
after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times
The bartender says "WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if
your favorite wins?"

"I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him for 2 years!"

[theazoldcrow]

  A little philosphy I acquired at Jon's Salt Talks,,,,,,"Kick starting a Harley Davidson is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me attempt this silly ritual"   ( thanks to all that cheered when my scooter started on the 7th kick!)    Crow.      P.S....It usualy starts on the 1st or 2nd kick.      Crow

[floydjer]

If lawyers take Viagra....Do they grow taller???

[theazoldcrow]

   All I get is a stiff neck!

[k.h.]

Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really
mean):

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We still guessing, at this point.)

We're following the standard. (We've always done it this way.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

Tell us your interpretation. (Let's hear your bull.)

We'll look into it. (Forget it! We've got so many other problems already, we'll never get to it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're no likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

I haven't gotten your email. (It's been days since I've checked my email.)

[4-barrel Mike]

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff (modified slightly for topicality):

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect to Bonneville for Speedweek.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what could they do.

Two days later the three get to the bend in the road, only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, a cooler full of cold beer, and ribs cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, she had handcuffs and rope!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

Then she said "Do what ever you want."

"So Here I am!!"

 

Mike

[floydjer]

Admit it Mike..That`s a true story...................

[will6er]

  All I get is a stiff neck!

You're swallowing too slowly!

Will

[k.h.]

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

[John Noonan]

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

 

[floydjer]

******Disclaimer******  Domestic abuse is not funny, So don`t get all huffy with me ------- This guy goes in front of the judge after punching his wife for the fourth time. The judge asks why he keeps beating her. Guy says " Must be the weight advantage, longer reach and quicker footwork"

[k.h.]

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store
with a $1, & I'd come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread,
3 pints of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, & 6 eggs.
You can't do that now.
Too many security cameras.

[4-barrel Mike]

  

Mike