More from Rodney Dangerfield
1. My wife’s cooking is so bad, the flys fix our screens.
2. You gotta look out for number one, but don’t step in number two.
3. I was so ugly that when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
4. When making love, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night, she called me from a hotel.
5. My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Five more:
1. My experience has been that just 99 percent of our suppliers give all the rest a bad name.
2. Fred will only spend a dollar at the ice rink. What a cheap skate!
3. Zombie basketball teams always defend with a full-corpse press.
4. There are two rules for success in this life: #1. Don’t tell everything you know.
[Rule #1 There are no rules! Rule #2 Never forget rule #1]
5. People are making “end of the world” jokes like there is no tomorrow.
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"