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I`ll start. (Q) What`s red and bad for your teeth? (A) A brick :cheers:
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How do you catch a rabbit?? Sit behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.
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Q: What's purple and almost conquered the world?
A: Alexander the Grape. :-D
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:lol:
My kindergarten great-grandaughter gave me this one the other day.
Q. "Why did the chicken cross the playground?"
A. "To get to the other slide".
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this reminds me of a rule in the scta rule book
Q. whats the difference between an orange and a motorcycle ? A. they both have handlebars, except the orange willie buchta
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Q. Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A. Because he had a chicken stapled to his forehead.
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How do you catch a rabbit?? Sit behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.
Oh, well then...How do you catch unique rabbits?...........Unique up on them. ( If they are tame rabbits, you catch them the tame way) :evil:
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A duck walks into a pharmacy and ask's the drugist for a tube of chapstick.
The drugist ask's if it a cash transaction or a charge.
The duck reply's....... Just put it on my Bill. :roll:
Smitty :cheers:
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A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into a bar.
The Bartender looks at them and ask's...... What is this? Some kind of joke? :-D
Smitty...
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One night a guy came out of a bar.
He was stumbling all over and could not stop laughing.
He went to his car and tried to put the key in the lock.
After trying a few times he finally got it.
While this was happening a cop was watching him.
After the guy fell into his seat he tried to get his car to start, but
instead he turned on the windshield wipers and did a lot of other
things.
This went on for about a hour.
While this was happening a bunch of guys walked out of the bar, got in
their
cars and left. Also during this time the cop was still watching the
guy
having a hard time with his car.
After everyone had left, the cop went up to the guy and the car and
said,
"Sir, I need to give you a breathalyzer test."
Well, the guy took the test, but when the results showed, the guy was
completely clean.
The cop had no idea how that could happen so he asked the guy why that
happened.
Well, the guy replied, "Sir, tonight I was the designated decoy."
Smitty... :cheers:
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Okay.... I'll quit. :-D
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Is there a prize??? :mrgreen:
Bubba was dead.
At least, they thought it was Bubba.
It had been a terrible fire. Burnt off his fingers. Burnt off his face.
The Medical Examiner called Bubba’s good friend Jethro in to identify the body.
“Now this is going to be ugly,” he says, “but I need you to help.”
“Ok,” says Jethro.
The Medical Examiner pulls the sheet off of the body.
“Oh, gawd!” says Jethro. “I can’t tell. Turn the body over. Let me see the backside.”
They turn the body over.
“No, that’s not Bubba.”
The Medical Examiner wonders, but lets Jethro go. He then calls in Bubba’s other good friend, Billy Bob.
“Now this is going to be ugly,” he says, “but I need you to help.”
“I can do it,” says Billy Bob.
The Medical Examiner pulls the sheet off of the body.
“Oh, gawd!” says Billy Bob. “I can’t tell. Turn it over. Let me see the backside.”
They turn the body over.
“No, that’s not Bubba.”
“Now wait,” says the Medical Examiner. “Jethro said the same thing. How can you tell that it’s not Bubba by looking at the backside?”
“Simple,” says Billy Bob. “Everywhere Jethro and I went with Bubba, everyone would point at him and say ‘Look, there’s Bubba with the two azzholes.’”
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> > Dear Abby:
> >
> > I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love" for
> > grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let
them
> > run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclosed a picture
> demonstrating
> > my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm baby-sitting
for
> > his parents. They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for
a
> > ride, and he usually calms down afterward.
> >
> > Sign me,
> > Tough Love Grandma
Sheri Buchta
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Wife is doing the laundry and finds a condom in hubby's pocket. She has never seen one.
"George, what's this thing in your pocket?"
"Uh, well, geez Lucy, it's a cigarette cover. It keeps my smokes from getting wet in the rain."
That weekend Lucy is out doing errands and hits the neighborhood drugstore. She sees the condoms on display behind the counter, as she is getting her meds.
"I'll also take some of those," pointing at the condom rack.
"Which kind would you like?"
"It doesn't matter what brand, as long as they will fit Camels."
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The wimpy little guy walks into the biker bar and heads straight for the biggest, baddest biker.
He says, "Hey!" and reaches up as high as he can and pokes him in the chest.
"Is that your Pit Bull outside?"
The guy says, "Yeah, so what."
"My dog just killed your dog."
The biker was blown away. His dog was the baddest on the planet. "How did that happen?"
"Your dog choked to death on my Chihuahua."
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I'm sure you've all heard this before, since it been in all the papers, but just in case:
Arthur is the security guard at Von's in Santa Ana. Everyone loves Arty.
He's working Saturday afternoon and hears over the PA, "Code Red in produce, Code Red in produce!"
Code Red means they need security help pronto.
Arty goes to produce and sees two men raising a ruckus with each other...
"IT'S MINE!!!"
"NO IT AIN'T, I SAW IT FIRST!!!"
"What's the problem gentlemen, something I can help with?" asks Arty.
"A dollar fell out of my pocket, and this jerk picked it up and won't give it back!"
"YOU LIAR!!! That dollar was just sitting there, and you were too stupid to pick it up, so it's mine!"
"You two will have to take your argument outside, you're scaring the customers" states Arty.
"I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!"
"ME NEITHER!"
Next thing you know, all three are fighting in produce, and Arty knows he's outnumbered, so he puts a choke hold on one combatant till he passes out, then the other.
The papers the next day all read:
ARTY CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR THIS WEEKEND AT VONS
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Do you know what happens when ducks fly up-side down?.....They quack up :cheers:
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:|
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Eric, the 11 year old who lives next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID 10 T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID 10 T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID 10 T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down: IDIOT
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
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http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29913178/
Don't accept an invite to a BBQ from this guy...
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It's not a joke, per se, but the concept of this guy going in for a job interview does make me smile. No, I laugh. What would you do if your needed a new guy at the office and this walked into the interview office?
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Click on the link to watch this video... pretty funny..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE)
.
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Warning guys, don't try this at home!!!
Sheer Nightgown
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,
he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she' s no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
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A dog walks in to a bar. His left front foot has a bandage wrapped around it. He leans on the bar and says......."I`m looking for the man that shot my paw"
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Little Italian kid going to Confession
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. :-D
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey LaRusso ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.' :evil:
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation' :roll:
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey La Russo, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
4 months vacation and five good leads. :cheers:
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Morris, an 82 year-old gentleman, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' :-D
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A little boy walks up to the little girl and points to his and says, "I've got one of these and you don't."
The little points to hers and says, "I've got one of these. And with one of these I can get all of those that I want."
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Two babies were lying in the the maternity ward at the hospital.
One asks the other "are you a girl baby or boy baby?"
She says " I'm a girl baby, what are you?"
He says "I'm a boy baby"
She says "how do you know that?"
He says "wait till this nurse leaves the room and I'll show you"
Shortly the nurse leaves the room.
He throws back the covers and says "See, BLUE Booties"
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The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
LOL!!!!
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Once upon a time there was a guy that had an unusual attribute -- in that when he'd pass gas it made a sound sorta like the noise of a motorcycle engine running. He went to this doctor and that, trying different diets and new exercise programs and all sorts of stuff. But now matter what he did -- when the urge to relax came upon him he'd emit a sound that sounded like a bike's motor slowing down on a corner.
Eventually one doctor told him "I can't figure it out, but I've got an acquaintance in the medical field that has been known to resolve mysterious ailments using ancient Far Eastern philosophy. I'll make an appointment for you to see Doctor Chung, okay?" The guy was willing, by this time, to try anything, so he goes to see this very old, very wise Chinese dentist.
The guy has been at the dentist's office for only a few minutes when the Doc asks the fellow to open his mouth. He peers in for a little while, then says "Ah, so! I see the problem!" and proceeds to prescribe a bit of medication for a swelling in the man's upper gum.
Two weeks later our poor flatulent fellow realises that he hasn't emitted a bike-like sound for days. He's so pleased that he goes to visit Dr. Chung again so he can ask how the doctor figured out the problem.
Upon being asked, the good doctor replies: "Ah, ancient Chinese wisdom says "Abcess makes the fart go Honda!"
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Once upon a time, I "thought" my opportunities for sexual release were below par. My old pal SSS says: try my doctor, he's chinese but well respected.
So I make the appt. and explain to the doc that I'm not getting enough fun in my life and he says "Sounds like Ed Zachary disease!"
The good doctor then has me take off all my clothes and "craw rerry fass" to the other side of the room and back. "Jus as I thought, you hava Ed Zachary disease."
After a few moments of panic, I asked him exactly what that was . . .
"You face look ed zachary like you ass." (can I say @$$?)
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:? Uh......It`s Wednesday........ :cheers:J.B.
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A woman who owned a business was looking for a box truck to deliver her goods.
Okay, stop right there - that's not the joke.
The salesman took her around the lot, and he showed her a number of cab-over Ivecos, Mitsubishis and Isuzu's, but in the back of the lot was this beat up old 15 foot Volvo that had been used by the water department. It was an ugly shade of blue-green, and cost twice as much as anything else she had been shown, but she pointed at it and told the salesman, "Write it up".
The salesman was happy as a clam, although a bit confused. As the paperwork was being finished, she got out her checkbook and started to write out the check, when the salesman stopped her and asked,
"You know, I've shown you much better vehicles then this one. Why would you want to spend so much money on what is clearly an inferior truck?"
The woman smiled and said, "There's just something about an aqua Volvo van."
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:roll: :-D
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I think I'm dreading Friday! :-D
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Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tourbus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire. The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened down.
Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.
Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.
The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?
"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......
"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel!!!"
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Note: I just couldn't wait until Friday!
In a kingdom far, far away, and a long, long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful. Suddenly, a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rent limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!" The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. "There!" he said and vanished.
All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them? The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.
The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armor and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.
One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left. The king looked about him. "Is there anyone brave enough to rescue us from this horrible curse?" he said.
"I will, sir!" said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died. The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time they tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!
Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighboring kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him. "How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"
The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, it occurred to me after the last knight was killed that the only way to escape this curse was to . . .
let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers."
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A young woman goes into a cocktail bar and asks the barman for a double entendre
So he gives her one
:cheers:
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.............and today is Thursday (!!!) :evil:J.B.
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Don't read it yet . . . .
:? Uh......It`s Wednesday........ :cheers:J.B.
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve bears beers in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings. Or drug addicts."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now.
That was a bar bitch you ate."
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What's the difference between a group of intelligent pigmies and a women's track team?
One's a group of cunning runts ...
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The reason Smokey the Bear and Mrs. Smokey never had any little smoky bears???? Every time she would get hot.....he'd throw a shovel full of dirt on her! Crow
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Don't read it yet . . . .
:? Uh......It`s Wednesday........ :cheers:J.B.
Zzzzing!!!
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It's friday where i am
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It's friday where i am
Always on the razor's edge, these Aussies.
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The difference between a nun and a girl in the bathtub?
One has hope in her soul ...
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Once upon a time, I "thought" my opportunities for sexual release were below par. My old pal SSS says: try my doctor, he's chinese but well respected.
So I make the appt. and explain to the doc that I'm not getting enough fun in my life and he says "Sounds like Ed Zachary disease!"
The good doctor then has me take off all my clothes and "craw rerry fass" to the other side of the room and back. "Jus as I thought, you hava Ed Zachary disease."
After a few moments of panic, I asked him exactly what that was . . .
"You face look ed zachary like you ass." (can I say @$$?)
This joke can be hazardous at times. Linda was giving me an overdue haircut today when she said i looked awful I said '' I must have ed zachary disease'' then we kept chuckling but no nicks somehow :-D
JL222 :cheers:
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Yuppie is involved in a horrific traffic accident while he was talking on the phone.
CHP show up to assist the victims.
"MY BEEMER!!! MY BEEMER!!!" sobs the yuppie.
"Don't worry about your damnn car! Your arm got tore off at the shoulder, and I can't find it anywhere!!" exclaims the officer.
"MY ROLEX!!!!!" screams the yuppie ....
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The bride and I went to a zoo in a small town. They only animal they had was a small dog. It was a Shih Tzu :cheers: J.B Happy Friday
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We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:
'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the
ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
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Okay, let's see if I can make this one work. It's a technological challenge.
A whale goes into a bar, and puts a bottle of Jack Daniels on the bar, along with his revolver.
The bartender looks up, and says to the whale, "Listen, pal, first off, you can't bring your own packaged goods in here. Secondly, I will NOT permit you to bring a weapon in here!"
So the whale says - (click on link)
http://neptune.atlantis-intl.com/dolphins/sounds/grindwal.mp3 (http://neptune.atlantis-intl.com/dolphins/sounds/grindwal.mp3)
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Well, well, well. I'm certainly glad I used up some otherwise-unneeded bandwidth to listen to that bit of whale sound. Thanks. I think.
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The madam opened the brothel door in Sydney and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his
late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she
charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled
out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they
went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more
requesting to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one
had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too
expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still
$5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone
was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one
has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you
from?'.
The man replied, 'Brisbane'.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in
Bisbane.'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and
I am her solicitor. She asked me to give you your $15,000
inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are
certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
-
...
-
You're really trying to test me, aren't you?
-
On a recent drive back from the East, I noticed this sign-- a new LSR venue? :-P
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
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Okay, let's see if I can make this one work. It's a technological challenge.
A whale goes into a bar, and puts a bottle of Jack Daniels on the bar, along with his revolver.
The bartender looks up, and says to the whale, "Listen, pal, first off, you can't bring your own packaged goods in here. Secondly, I will NOT permit you to bring a weapon in here!"
So the whale says - (click on link)
http://neptune.atlantis-intl.com/dolphins/sounds/grindwal.mp3 (http://neptune.atlantis-intl.com/dolphins/sounds/grindwal.mp3)
Well there's five minutes of my life I'll never get back
G
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A dog walks into a Western Union office and requests to send a telegram. The telegraph operator asks what he would like to send and the dog replies, "Woof-Woof-Woof Woof-Woof-Woof Woof Woof-Woof".
The operator tells the dog the rate is 10 cents a word, $1.00 minimum. "Would you like to add a tenth 'woof' to your message" he asks?
"Ten woofs?" says the dog. "Why, that message would make absolutely no sense at all."
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Freud, got a test question...
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please give due consideration before you answer.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Richmond Virginia. On the James River to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photojournalist and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
===============================================
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. Somehow they look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are. It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options: You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people.
===============================================
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
:-D
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Well, I see my bass player joke brought the the everyday thread to a screeching halt. :cheers:
-
Well, I see my bass player joke brought the the everyday thread to a screeching halt. :cheers:
Anything dealing with bass players tends to slow things down.
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:-o Unless it's a bass playing whale!!! That would really stop things! Crow
-
:-D
-
This is either early or late... retired guys never know what day it is..... :-D
Fort Worth Police today reported finding an unidentified male body in the Trinity River.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was wearing fishnet stockings, high heels, a garter belt, a strap-on, make-up, and an Obama T-shirt.
They also found a cucumber protruding from his rectum.
The police thoughtfully removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
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Sure glad racing starts in a few weeks. And that ain't no joke. Have had the salt fever since 1953 and a little El Mirage dirt fever for the same period. I guess the dirt fix will be first, then the big fix in August.
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I got a mini-fix at the Texas Mile two weeks ago :cheers: Now the 4 months to Speedweek doesn't seem very far off. :-D
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we have to entertain ourselves somehow...
here is a bunch of odd facts...
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
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Received from a friend today:
The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. one is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I've been married for 20+years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels & a mask just over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here is how it went:
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over & found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos & a mask. He saw me & said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.." We made love all night long.
The mistress:
The other night I met my lover at his office & I was wearing the >leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes & a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to tell my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, & a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door & saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
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Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard four pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."
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Hmmmm... Seems to be the beer problem.
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Guy goes to a bar where he meets a shapely blonde. They hit it off and,after a few drinks, Go to "her place". After several rounds of wild monkey love he looks over at the night stand and sees a picture of a man. "Good Lord you`re married"!!! He shouts. "No" she replies "That`s me before the operation" :cheers:
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This good old boy from Texas arrives at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter invites him in to explore the glory of Heaven. After looking everything over, St. Peter asks him what he thinks of Heaven. The good old boy says, "Well . . . We've got bigger in Dallas."
St. Peter is put off by this. He gives him a more extensive tour. The good old boy says, "Well . . . We've still got bigger and better in Dallas."
St. Peter is fuming at this point. He takes him over to the edge and points down to the flames of Hell. "Have you got bigger and better in Dallas?"
The good old boy scratches his head for a moment and says, "Well . . . No."
"But we've got some boys over in Houston that can put that thing out!"
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Guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The full time he`s in the exam. room a big,fat Tabby cat lays on a counter looking at him. When the doc. needs an instrument, he calls in a black retriever to "fetch' it for him. Exam complete, He walks to the front desk and the nurse says, "That`ll be $2,759 Dollars, Please." Shocked by the price, the guy asks for a break-down of the costs. She replies; " $259 for the exam, $500 for the "Lab work" and $2,000 for the "Cat scan" :cheers: P.S. My wife, The Radiologic Technologist, thinks that`s the funniest thing ever.
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Courtesy of a friend of mine, Peter Lamb -
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold. 'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered 'He's gonna run for Congress.
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Two lesbian frogs are "'sharing the afternoon" when one says to the other...."People are right,...You do taste like chicken" :cheers:
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That's just fowl. :cheers:
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?...... A stick.
When I was a kid I thought Cheerio's were Donut seeds.
Last week I burned my hand really bad... I was trying to speed read a book of matches.
:cheers: Smitty
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How come everytime some yahoo fires up a Ditch Witch in my backyard, it heads straight to the nearest gas line or live electric line?
The only thing I can figure:
When natural gas fumes get into an engine, it runs stronger.
When there is plenty of juice in the battery, it runs stronger.
New engines have computers in them.
Modern computers can "learn" and adapt.
So the new Ditch Witches actively seek out natural gas and electricity.
Is this Comedy? Not if you are the one paying for the repairs... :-D
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Charlie shows up for work with two serious burns on either side of his face.
His buddy asks him what happened.
"I was doing some ironing for my wife when the phone rang. I got mixed up and picked up the iron."
"What happened on the other side?"
"I had to call the doctor!"
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Charlie shows up for work with two serious black eyes.
His buddy asks what happened.
"I went to church on Sunday just like always. I was standing behind Cindy Smith, the pastors wife. I noticed that her dress was caught in the crack and looked uncomfortable, so I pulled it out. She turned around and clobbered me."
"How did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I had to put it back, didn't I?"
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"Chucky? Taste this and tell me what it is."
"PHEWWWW!!! THAT'S GASOLINE YOU IDIOT!!"
"No shiit. Is it leaded or unleaded?"
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There was a young lady in a small town, with a last name of Green. As in many towns, there are some with looser morals than others. Due to her ways, she had acquired the nickname of Nooky Green.
Several members of the local church had be trying for some time to get her to abandon her wayward ways repent and start attending church. Finally, one Sunday, she decided to repent her sins. All she had to wear was her normal clothes, so she came to church in her very best micro-mini skirt. Prepared to give herself, she sat in the very front row to be ready.
As the service was preparing to start, the pastor was looking over the group and spotted her sitting in the front row in her finery.
He turned to the Deacon and said "Is that Nooky Green?"
The Deacon squints at her and says "I don't think so Sir, I think it's a reflection from the stained glass windows."
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Herb is visiting from the city to his brother's farm. Charlie is showing him the barn, the combine, the feed lot . . .
Herb says, "Hey! What happened to that pig. He's missing three legs!"
Charlie replies, "That pig! That pig! He saved my life! I was running the combine when it jammed. I was trying to get it unjammed when it popped into gear and lurched forward. That pig dashed over and shoved me out of the way. That pig! He saved my life."
"Yeah, but what happened to his legs?"
"That pig! He saved my life again two months later. I was driving back to the farm on a rain slicked road and I lost control of the truck. It went off the road into a ditch and was crushing me. That pig came over and lifted the truck off of me. That pig! He saved my life."
"Yeah, but he's missing three legs!"
"Well, of course! You don't eat a pig like that all at once!"
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Yesterday was Friday, points are taken away for day late stuff, even flu pigs
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Yesterday was Friday, points are taken away for day late stuff, even flu pigs
Thought I am in charge of non-Friday snide remarks :wink:Jerry
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Saturday is a free day for snide remarks. :evil:
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The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. :roll:
:cheers:
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How true! But you have to realize that it's never been more like this than it is right now.
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Today is the first day of the rest of your tax year. :cheers:
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:? Hickory, dickory, doc! Two mice ran up the clock! The clock struck one! the other escaped with insurable injuries. Crow
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Saturday is a free day for snide remarks. :evil:
I stand corrected :cheers:
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(http://boingboing.net/images/x09/pooflu.jpg)
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Sending you a calendar Dean, or will give you one at the lakes if you have the correct day to be there. :-D :evil:
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ZZZZZING!!! :cheers:
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Hey:
I've found a really good raison d'ete for this thread. Tonight's the final meeting of the year of the Marquette Range Engineers Club. I've been a member for more than thirty years, and have been honored by being elected president for about a decade now. Each meeting I tell a joke or two. In fact -- I think that's the biggest reason they keep re-electing me - I've usually got good jokes.
So just now I've printed off a few of the "gems" that are listed here. I took all of the fifth page and will have ammo for the entire evening.
If nothing else -- maybe I'll get them disgusted enough that they'll elect someone else for a change.
Thanks for the humor, boys and girls. One of these days I'll dig out my dad's old "humor file" and post some of those for you.
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Tonight's the final meeting of the year of the Marquette Range Engineers Club.
May 6 :? :?
Mike
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Sending you a calendar Dean, or will give you one at the lakes if you have the correct day to be there.
Tonight's the final meeting of the year of the Marquette Range Engineers Club.
I'm way too busy. I'm helping plan the 1998 annual meeting of the Los Angeles Procrastinators Club.
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Dean, seeing as you have a ironing board with two wheels so you can lay on your back side and take a ride shows why you are behind times (years) You probably take a nap on the run and wake up a day later and wonder where you are or was. Maybe you can takes Jons spot and tell old jokes. See ya at the lakes. The 16th & 17th of this year. :-D
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I'm way too busy. I'm helping plan the 1998 annual meeting of the Los Angeles Procrastinators Club.
I'm going to move out there one of these days.
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Mike, the Engineers Club meets October through May. That's why this was the "final" meeting. The jokes went over very well, thank all of you. I got re-elected, as usual. The good news is that we collected enough in donations and other stray income - to increase the amount of scholarship money this year. For a long time we've given a $550 scholarshihp to Michigan Tech, Northern Michigan University, and the surveyor's professional/honor society at Michigan Tech. This past year I asked the members to consider contributing a bit more -- and we ended up with enough to give $750 scholarships. Maybe the jokes were part of that.
Okay, back to the jokes, folks. Maxton is only eight days from now.
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:-o Hi diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon! Now wasn't that an assanine feat for a creature of the bovine cult to attempt? Crow
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The cow was MOONING DEAN. :roll:
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Hey:
I've found a really good raison d'ete for this thread. Tonight's the final meeting of the year of the Marquette Range Engineers Club. I've been a member for more than thirty years, and have been honored by being elected president for about a decade now. Each meeting I tell a joke or two. In fact -- I think that's the biggest reason they keep re-electing me - I've usually got good jokes.
So just now I've printed off a few of the "gems" that are listed here. I took all of the fifth page and will have ammo for the entire evening.
If nothing else -- maybe I'll get them disgusted enough that they'll elect someone else for a change.
Thanks for the humor, boys and girls. One of these days I'll dig out my dad's old "humor file" and post some of those for you.
I just happen to have a pic. taken in the parking lot(See if you can spot Slim`s car)
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9 hours/8 min `til Friday :evil:
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Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor doggy a bone ...
Nope, won't go there.
Probably bypass the Man from Nantucket as well. :-P
OK, let's try:
Willie saw some dynomite
Could not understand it quite
Curiousity seldom pays
It rained Willie seven days
-anon-
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:roll:Jack and Jill went up the hill. They each had a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two fifty, Ya think they went up for water????? Crow
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun,
Silly Jill forgot her pill
Now they have a son.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill, rideing on an elephant,,,,Jill got off, and helped Jack off, the elephant! Crow :roll:
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Every day, at 5 PM, a doctor stopped at his local tavern and ordered up a Frangelico on crushed ice.
One night, the bartender realized that he was out of the liquor, and so he improvised with a cheap hickory flavored liquor to replace the doctor's hazelnut flavored favorite.
He handed it to the doctor, who tasted it and immediately spit it back into the glass.
"What on earth is this you're trying to poison me with?", asked the incredulous general practitioner.
Replied the barkeep, "It's a Hickory Dacari, Doc."
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:-D :-o MM, you got me on that one! Crow
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:? Sis on you pister, you ain't so muckin futch! Go in your own jack yard and back off! I ain't under the anfluance of incohol as some thinkle peep I am, I just had tee martoonies and a bubble durbon! Now don't that shickle the tit outa you! Crow And the stander I long here,,,,the getter i drunk!!
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Youse guys need to go racing and that ain't no joke :cheers:
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Youse guys need to go racing and that ain't no joke :cheers:
A week to go, and I haven't started the truck yet. Looks like another mad dash at the last minute. :|
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Sitting on the deck last night, having a cigar, and I decided to stay up until sunrise. And then it dawned on me........................
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Amen!
Youse guys need to go racing and that ain't no joke :cheers:
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In my opinion, this comes under the heading of humor.
It better not be LSR.
http://www.bangshift.com/blog/Carnage-of-the-Week-Nastiest-Engine-Explosion-Ever.html
FREUD
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Where's the head and block? :?
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I know it's Sunday, but what the heck.
Four brewery owners walk into a bar. The one from Corona orders a Corona and says it's the best. The one from Budweiser orders a Bud, and says all other beer is inferior. The one from Coors orders a Coors and brags about mountain spring water. The one from Guinness orders a Coke. The other three are shocked and ask him why not a Guinness? He answers, "You guys aren't drinking beer, I thought I wouldn't either."
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Just think this time next Sunday we will be wanting results from El Mirage and Maxton. You won't give a a crap about Friday jokes, that is except Dean. :-D :cheers:
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No, actually I will be at El Mirage thinking about barbecued Glen on a stick. :mrgreen:
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Dean, I will be there and Willie and Sheri are doing the cooking. I'm so old and the skin is thick so I am off the menu. How ever I will pick up some road kill along the way so you can have something to eat, LIKE CROW!!!! :evil:
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Glen, I'll have to admit I admire your modesty about having tough ol' skin and therefore being no good for eating. I won't comment. As for what we'll be doing next Sunday -- I hope to be admiring a "new record" certificate that I get from a pass on the production bike. I'll be sorely missing Nancy, though -- she's got to stay at home and work at Lowe's. At least she's been promised the June Maxton event off.
As for jokes -- did I report that the jokes I got off this thread last Wednesday went over very well at the Range Engineers Club meeting. Thanks to all that provided the witty humor and thoughtful insight.
HAH!
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If any of you will be eating CROW at El Mirage I'd sure like to meet you first!! :roll: :roll: :-D Crow
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If any of you will be eating CROW at El Mirage I'd sure like to meet you first!! :roll: :roll: :-D Crow
Crow, that was funny..
Did you ever fix that starter? And I don't mean Jim Jensen.. :cheers:
J
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:-D John, still have the new one in the box. Found some grounding issues with the sol. Still waitin for it to take a complete poo-poo before I chaange it out. Bye the way, Thanks for askin???? BCNU soon Crow
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John, also , I think Jim is beyond repair, don't you? I like him the way he is,,,,,,un-fixable! Crow
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minor cosmetic damage :wink::
http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=110388109923&ssPageName=ADME:B:EF:AU:1123
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minor cosmetic damage :wink::
http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=110388109923&ssPageName=ADME:B:EF:AU:1123
"This was an awesome bike prior to the makeover........" ??!!?? :roll:
Interesting turn of a phrase.
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A drunk is walking along the bank of the Grand River, swilling a 40 oz of Olde English 800, when he spots a group of well dressed people standing waiste deep in the water. He staggers over by them and a minister turns and says "SINNER....Do you want to find Jesus"?- Drunk says "Sure" The Reverand dips him in the water ,pulls him out and says " Have you found the lord"?--Drunk says "No" Reverand dips him again.....Same question/same answer. Rev. dunks him a third time and asks "NOW..Have you found your savior the Lord"?!! Drunk says " Are you SURE this is where he fell in"? ( terrible joke for a baptist to tell, But hey....) :cheers:
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Don't know if this is just a coincidence but....
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian horse racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs and infects hundreds of people sometimes fatally around the globe .
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
It gets worse........
Next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock ----- What could possibly go wrong?
Maybe I'll invest in Viagra stock while the prices are down.... :-D
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Three women were discussing the nicknames they called their husbands.
The first says "I call mine 2X6 because he has 6 is good twice".
The second says "I call mine 1X8 for the same reason"
The third says "I call mine Jim Beam"
The first says "But that's a likker"
The third says "And what's wrong with that?"
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A drunk is walking along the bank of the Grand River, swilling a 40 oz of Olde English 800, when he spots a group of well dressed people standing waiste deep in the water. He staggers over by them and a minister turns and says "SINNER....Do you want to find Jesus"?- Drunk says "Sure" The Reverand dips him in the water ,pulls him out and says " Have you found the lord"?--Drunk says "No" Reverand dips him again.....Same question/same answer. Rev. dunks him a third time and asks "NOW..Have you found your savior the Lord"?!! Drunk says " Are you SURE this is where he fell in"? ( terrible joke for a baptist to tell, But hey....) :cheers:
Good one! Everytime I hear or read that joke I can envision Foster Brooks and Dean Martin standing in waist deep water, but i don't think they ever made a skit of it.
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Woman walks into the kitchen and there stands her husband with a fly swatter. She asks what he`s doing and he answers " Hunting" . She asks..."Killing any"? He says " Two males , Eleven females" She says " How do you tell them apart"?....."Males were on a beer can.....Females were on the phone......." :wink:
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Three samurais were competing for the emperors daughter.
After many rounds of competition all were dead even.
The final round consisted of a sword and a fly.
The first samurai swiftly cut the fly in two.
The second samurai quartered the fly with two phenomenally fast strokes.
The third samurai swung at the fly. It continued on flying.
"He missed!"
"Ah, not correct. The fly will never again reproduce."
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Retired couple from Texas is driving through Nevada and stop for gas at a full service station. The attendant comes over to the car and the conversation goes like this:
Husband: “Fill it with regular.”
Attendant: “OK. Do you want me to check under the hood?”
The wife is hard of hearing and says to the husband: “What did he say?”
Husband: “He wants to check under the hood!”
Wife: “Oh, . . . OK”
Husband (to attendant): “My wife is a bit deaf.”
Attendant sees the license plates and says: “So I see you are from Texas.”
Wife: “What did he say?”
Husband: “He asked if we were from Texas!”
Wife says “Oh, . . . OK”
Husband (to attendant): “Yeah we are on vacation from Fort Worth.”
Attendant: “You know I was once in Fort Worth about 30 years ago,. I met a gal at a bar. We both got drunk and we went to a motel. That had to be the absolute worst night I ever spent in my life.”
Wife: “What did he say?”
Husband: “He says he thinks he knows you.”
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Look back to the Samuri and the fly joke. I think the last line was "Aahh So, Fry may fry,,,but, fry no fruck no mo" (Don't mean to cap the joke, just being politicaly correct. Crow
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Loved the one about the drunk and Baptists....
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Loved the one about the drunk and Baptists....
don't you mean the drunk and the Dunkards :wink: :wink:
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:-D Now thats funny! Crow
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Three moles are tunneling along when the first says..."I smell honey" A few minutes later the second one says " I smell sugar" The third mole says...." All I smell is mole-a$$es" :cheers:
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I need some serious man-to-man advice. :-(
My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately. She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer. Jim, this, Jim that. :x
Well I let suspicion get the best of me. I followed her to the gym. After an hour, she came out with a man. They got into his car and drove off. I followed them to a house in Irvine. They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out. I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window. As I approached the house, the lights came on. I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it.
I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide. Just great. What next??
So I'm really in a predictment. What do I do?
Do you think it will buff out? Or should I have the whole door repainted?
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I need some serious man-to-man advice. :-(
My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately. She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer. Jim, this, Jim that. :x
Well I let suspicion get the best of me. I followed her to the gym. After an hour, she came out with a man. They got into his car and drove off. I followed them to a house in Irvine. They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out. I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window. As I approached the house, the lights came on. I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it.
I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide. Just great. What next??
So I'm really in a predictment. What do I do?
Do you think it will buff out? Or should I have the whole door repainted?
Have Jim buff it out. He's a body man, right?
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My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought be a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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electricity is NOT your friend
AKA - Don't frigg with electric fences...
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in town.
To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran
a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest
cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then
used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground.
The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the
better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems
as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first
thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body.
My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing
in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled
over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with
the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower was fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning at 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go
of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking
I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs
out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run
pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please
die ... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam
idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead
spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on
to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing
had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically
induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it
was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4. (I still don't understand this!!!)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.
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That reminds me, when you and some drunken friends make a bet that whizzing on an electric fence can't shock you, have someone else prove it.
It feels like someone kicked you in the nuts.
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I need some serious man-to-man advice. :-(
My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately. She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer. Jim, this, Jim that. :x
Well I let suspicion get the best of me. I followed her to the gym. After an hour, she came out with a man. They got into his car and drove off. I followed them to a house in Irvine. They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out. I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window. As I approached the house, the lights came on. I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it.
I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide. Just great. What next??
So I'm really in a predictment. What do I do?
Do you think it will buff out? Or should I have the whole door repainted?
Have Jim buff it out. He's a body man, right?
Good call! :cheers:
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Had a hard time deciding if this should go here or the GM thread... :roll:
Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland'.
Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special airplane'.
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes'.
Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!'
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One that will only make sense to Slim/.....Hank, Bill and Tom go fishing. After 19 beers too many ,Hank falls out of the boat. 20 min. later, Bill and Tom notice. They dive in and recover a limp,lifeless water logged body and start C.P.R. Bill says " Man, Never noticed Hank has such horrid breath" Tom says.............." Breath? I didn`t even notice he was wearing a snowmobile suit in July"
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Makes sense to me... :-D
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Seldom Seen Slim says to Sumner, Sum you heard about that new 4 engine streamliner built by Dick Burns? Sum says no, but who's Dick Burns? SSS says, yours!!!
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Two LSR racers (Bill and Jake) are having a beer at the motel
(Bill) “So are you still getting a lot of grief from the Mrs about spending too much money on racing?”
(Jake) “Heck no! I found a way to put an end to that.”
(Bill) “Really? . . . Man, I’d like to know how you did that.”
(Jake) “Simple, the first thing I did was get a fire suit for my wife.”
(Bill) “Wow! That was a great trade!”
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Lucy came home from the shops one day and found Bill in the kitchen with a fly squatter.
What are you doing "she asked"
Killing flies "Bill replied"
Gettin' any "Lucy asked again"
Yep "said Bill" three males and two females.
How do you know the difference? "asked Lucy"
Well, there were three on the beer can and two on the phone. "said Bill"
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Seldom Seen Slim says to Sumner, Sum you heard about that new 4 engine streamliner built by Dick Burns? Sum says no, but who's Dick Burns? SSS says, yours!!!
Bravo Bravo A truly made for LSR corn dog original.
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These two Yoopers ( oops, sorry Slim)..These two guys from Newaygo are driving along in a pick-up with a fresh kill bear laying in the box. A D.N.R. officer stops them and asks for their "Bear tag". Driver hands it to him . Cop says " Nice bear, Who shot him"? Driver says " I did....One shot Right between the eyes" Cop says " I see that, But how did he get the holes in his front feet" ? Passenger chimes in with...." Well, He put his paws up to shield his eyes when I put the spot- light on him" :cheers:
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electricity is NOT your friend
AKA - Don't frigg with electric fences...
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in town.
To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran
a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest
cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then
used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground.
The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the
better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems
as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first
thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body.
My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing
in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled
over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with
the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower was fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning at 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go
of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking
I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs
out of gas.
'Dodge!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run
pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please
die ... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam
idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead
spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on
to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing
had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically
induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it
was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4. (I still don't understand this!!!)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.
Sound like the Time my buddy Tazed himself to see what it was like :-o!
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Sitting on the deck last night, having a cigar, when the the bride says " Would you re-marry if I died'? I told her I would ,as the house needs the female touch. She asked if I`d let my new wife use her things, Jewelry, Cars bike etc. I told her I would as it be be wastefull to buy new ones. "How about my golf clubs"? she asked. "No,.....She`s left handed, you`re right handed." :cheers:
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Sitting on the deck last night, having a cigar, when the the bride says " Would you re-marry if I died'? I told her I would ,as the house needs the female touch. She asked if I`d let my new wife use her things, Jewelry, Cars bike etc. I told her I would as it be be wastefull to buy new ones. "How about my golf clubs"? she asked. "No,.....She`s left handed, you`re right handed." :cheers:
And just about then a 9-iron slammed into the side of yer head, right? :-D
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Two priests are waiting for a connecting flight at O'Hare Airport. To kill some time they strike up a debate about when life really begins. Is it Conseption? Birth? Somewhere in between? They can't seem to agree and notice a Rabbi walking by. So they ask the Rabbi (he also being a man of God) if he can help them resolve this issue. They ask him "Rabbi, when does life begin?" The Rabbi thinks for a long time and then he says . . " Life does not truly begin until the kids are gone and the dog is dead"
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One more ..........Do you know the difference between a corn husker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? The corn husker shucks between fits. ( i`ll go to my room now) :evil:
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Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the jungle?
artmodelman
Jim Keeler
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No, but I heard 4 cannibals were playing poker, and one threw-up a good hand................
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Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?
They taste funny.
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One cannibal to another, after the fancy dinner/dance:
#1: Well, how was your evening?
#2: Oh, it was great. I had a ball.
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WHO IS JACK SCHITT ????
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt" Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.
Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religous couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt,
Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, named Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparatable through childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt- Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So, NOW if someone says " You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list
Ron
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Guy comes home from work,plops in front of the T.V. and says to the wife " How about bringing me a beer before it starts"? She says "O.K." Two minutes later, he asks for another brew " before it starts". This goes on, in two min. intervals, for 90 minutes. She brings the beer, stands between him and the television and says " You going to do ANYTHING besides getting drunk and watching T.V." ? He says......." Great....It started" :evil:
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Two minute intervals for 90 minutes...that's a shit load of beer!
Good one nonetheless. :-D
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Pirate walks in to a bar with a roll of paper towel on his head. Bartender asks "What`s up with the towel roll"? Pirate says,...."Aaaarrr...there`s a bounty on me head"
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Baby seal walks into a club............................
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Lady opens the refrigerator and a rabbit is sitting inside. "What are you doing in there"? she asks. rabbit say`s" Isn`t this a Westinghouse"? Lady says that it is -Rabbit say`s " I`m westing"
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Floyd, you are certainly keeping your posts on-topic. :-D
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Floyd, you are certainly keeping your posts on-topic. :-D
Thank you! ( and it`s Jerry) :cheers:
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When you live in Michigan telling jokes is about all there is to do. :-D :-o :roll:
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A rich Saudi Prince became enamored with Land Speed Racing. He decided that he wanted a faaaaast two-wheeler and a faaaaaaster four-wheeler.
Being a patriot, though, he wanted his LSR shop to be in Saudi Arabia and his vehicles to be built in his shop, so he hired one of the best bike builders and one of the best car builders to help him set up his shop and get started on the vehicles. As an afterthought, he hired a well-known LSR website guy to set up a website to document his builds.
When the bike and car guys had all of the necessary tools and parts collected, the Prince sent his private 747 to carry the cargo and the two car builders and the website guy to Saudi Arabia.
The plane was opulent and our three heroes were the only passengers, so the flight was VERY pleasant.
After many hours of flight, the 747 began its descent for landing. Suddenly the jet lost all power and began spinning out of control. At the last second, the pilot was able to get enough control to make a crash landing. Unfortunately, the only survivors were the three Americans.
Now the bike builder got his start riding bikes in the desert, so he took charge of the group. After collecting enough food and water to survive the trek to civilization, our heroes set out across the desert.
On the third day of their trek, the car builder tripped on something and fell on his face in the sand. A quick examination showed that he had tripped on a brass lantern. Now he was a pretty smart guy and recognized the lantern for what it was, so he began polishing it with his shirt tail.
POOF! Out popped a genie!!!
“Well, now,” said the genie. “Normally I grant three wishes to the person who frees me from the lantern, but, since there are three of you, I’ll grant each of you one wish.” Turning to the car builder, he asked, “What is your wish?”
“I wish I was in my red roadster cruising down the Pacific Coast Highway as the sun is setting.” And, POOF! he was gone.
The genie turned to the bike builder. “I wish I was riding one of my motorcycles across a Southern California desert.” And POOF! he was gone.
The genie then turned to the website guy and asked the usual question. “Gee,” said the website guy, “I’m lonely. I wish they were back.”
Mike
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Yet another danger of living in Wisconsin.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090718/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_wienermobile_wreck (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090718/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_wienermobile_wreck)
And this is NOT the first time that crap like this has happened up here.
You learn something new every day.
I didn't know Mercedes-Benz made RV's.
And at least one real sporty looking race car hauler. J.B.
Floyd - I remember that hauler. It was bought in the late 50's by Carl Weinerberger, who was a fantastic fiberglass body guy in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, and a part-time sausage maker. He bought it, and kept the stock frame, but did some modifications to the body. For years, he unsuccessfully campaigned it in off-road ice racing events throughout Wisconsin, Minnesota, and the U.P.
(http://www.autotrader.co.uk/EDITORIAL/editorial_images/non_imported/crashed_wienermobile.jpg)
I'm afraid to step out of my garage!
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:-D Latest thing on the web about the weeniermobile, now the driver ( a woman ) has run the mobile into a garage, without opening the door! Crow
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:roll: The best woman in the world to have is a fat, tatooed lady! That way you have heat in the winter, shade in the summer, and moveing pictures year round. Crow
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I know I'm a little early but I had to share this one with y'all....
It's too cute.
Sheri Buchta
Ear Infection
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 85-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private..'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
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:-D Sheri! Remember that "don't mess with seniors" the next time I start giving you a hard time! Just ribbin ya a little. Crow
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Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
Woody Allen said it best -
There's no a*@hole like an old a*@hole - They've had more practice.
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Two T.V. antennas got married.......The ceremony was boring, but the reception was great.
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Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here's one for the ages. My mom used to tell this joke. She's the only person I ever heard with it, no doubt because it's so long and complicated. It needs to be read out loud -- that is, SPEAK IT, don't just read it and mumble along. Okay -- here, in memory of my mom, dead some ten years now, is the story of Archibald S. Holebroke.
"Once upon a time there was a school that needed a new second grade teacher, so they hired Caroline Woodrick. Miss Woodrick introduced herself to the students and then asked them to introduce themselves. The first little boy said: "My name is Abner Baker, spelled A-b-n-e-r B-a-k-e-r."
"Fine", said Caroline, "but I would like each student to learn to syllabalize progressively. Here is how your name, Abner, should sound: A-b gets your Ab, n-e-r gets your ner, gets your Abner. B-a-k gets your bake, gets your nerbake, gets your Abner Bake. E-r gets your er, gets your Baker, gets you nerBaker, gets your Abner Baker."
And so Miss Woodrick led the entire class through syllabalizing progressively until she came to Archie, who didn't want to do it because his name was so long.
"Oh, come now", said Miss Woodrick. "I'll help you." And this is how Archibald S. Holebroke's name sounded:
(NOTE: Pronounce the "I" in Archie's name with a long sound -- that is, "Eye", not "ih". You'll see why later).
"A-r-c-h gets your Arch. I gets your I, gets your Archi. B-a-l-d gets your bald, gets your ibald, gets your Archibald. S gets your S, gets your bald S, gets your ibald S, gets your Archibald S. H-o-l-e gets your Hole, gets your S. Hole, gets your bald S. Hole, gets your ibald S. hole, gets your Archibald S. Hole. B-r-o-k-e gets your broke, gets your Holebroke, gets your S. Holebroke, gets your ibald S. Holebroke, gets your Archibald S. Holebroke."
End of story.
And - for what it's worth, Caroline Woodrick was a school teacher associate of my mom. I doubt that Miss Woodrick really did syllabalize progressively, but let's give Mom the benefit of the doubt and allow her to personalize the joke.
Over and out.
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Well, I can't top that one, but....
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country
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No matter how hard you push the envelope......It`s still stationary :cheers:
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Two T.V. antennas got married.......The ceremony was boring, but the reception was great.
Groan. I'm going to go sit in the corner and rock back and forth for awhile now.
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"No matter how hard you push the envelope......It`s still stationary."
It's stationery, too.
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a pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel affixed the the front of his pants. the bartender says hey you know you got a ships wheel on the front of your pants and the pirate replies arrrrrrrrhh it driving me nuts...
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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to the mall and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"
PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing
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..that was particularly good Kapitan :cheers:
John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to
Frank's place with me and have a beer?'
Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?'
Again, there was no answer,
Nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.
So, he waited a few more minutes , thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This Time,putting
his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
'Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my flicking shoes on!
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An old, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.
On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said, "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
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97 year old goes to the Dr. Doc. says ' You`re in great shape for your age, Do you still have intercourse"? The old boy says "Let me ask the wife" He leaves the room for 30 seconds, comes back in and says " No , We have Blue Cross.
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
(see below)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."
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First day of college the Dean addresses the students and tells the males that the female dorms are off limits, anyone caught there will be fined $50 for the first offense- $100 for the second and $250 for the third. A hand goes up and a guy asks...." How much is a season pass" ?
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Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are "weak days" ( Yes Stan, They are also weekdays) J.B.
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Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are "weak days" ( Yes Stan, They are also weekdays) J.B.
That one left me in a weak daze . . . :wink:
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As long as we're using that word -- did you know that there are three stages in a man's sex life?
There's tri-weekly,
Try weekly,
and try weakly.
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Ramblings of a Retired Mind
• I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
• You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
• I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
• I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
• I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
• I've gotten that dreaded Furniture disease. That's when your Chest is falling into your Drawers!
• When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
• Employment Application Forms always ask who is to be notified in case of an Emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were "Cramming for their Finals".
• As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
"Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life"
Because: "Life is a journey to be savored."
-
I joined an exercise class for men over 50 years of age and they told me to wear loose fitting clothes. If I had any loose fitting clothes , I would`nt have joined .
-
Two ladies from the Salvation Army stopped by and asked if I would like to donate used clothes to help the homeless and hungry. I said " Girls, If my clothes fit them, They must not be all that hungry"
-
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, ' What a coincidence...'
-
So a bear walks into a bar in Bonneville and says to the bartender: "Bartender! I want a beer!"
Bartender then replied "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville."
"WHAT!" roars the bear, "This bear wants a beer in this bar in Bonneville!"
"I'm sorry, sir, but it's illegal. I could loose my license if I serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville."
"All I want is a beer! Can't you serve this bear a beer in this bar in Bonneville?"
"No sir, I can't."
"That's it!" Roars the bear "If you don't serve this bear a beer in this bar in Bonneville. I am going to have to doing something drastic!"
"Ok, sir" replied the bartender" but I just can't serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville."
So the bear points to a lady sitting at a table in the bar.
"You see that lady? If you don't serve this bear, a beer, in this Bonneville bar, I'm going to eat that lady."
"Well I'm sorry sir, but I just can't serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville"
"Fine!" and the bear eats the lady and comes back over to the bartender.
"Now will you serve a beer to a bear in a bar in Bonneville?”
"Nope. We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville. Or drug addicts."
"Drug addicts?" asked the bear.
The bartender replied... "because that was a bar bitch you ate." (barbiturate)
-
'Nuf said. BJ's birthplace... President Hussein's HOPE message?? Co-inkidink? Not hardly.
I like the "ventilation".
-
3 nuns stood at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, " Before you can enter, you each have to answer one question."
St. Peter turns to the first nun and asks, " Who was the first man?"
1st Nun answers, "Adam."
The Gates open; the choir sings; and the nun walks thru.
St. Peter turns to the second nun and asks, "Who was the first woman?"
2nd Nun answers, "Eve."
The Gates open; the choir sings; and the nun walks thru.
St. Peter turns to the third nun and asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
3rd Nun thinks and thinks and finally says, "Boy, that's a hard one!"
The Gates open; the choir sings........
-
An outraged doctor shouts at a dislectic nurse ,what the hell have you done ! I told you to penile device his boil ! :-o
-
Billy died... His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jan.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jan, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jan exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The whiskey, beer and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jan computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
"Two and a half carats."
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Tom is a sailor in the merchant marine and has been away from home and hearth for almost a year. He gets to the house and finds his pregnant wife waiting for him!
He is thunderstruck and asks her: "Was it my friend Bill that did this?"
She says "No, it wasn't your friend Bill."
"How about my buddy Louie?"
"Nope, it wasn't your buddy Louie."
"Oh, then it must have been my life-long chum Al", he says.
She responds "Your friends, your friends, Don't you think I've got friends, too?"
-
Female room-mate wanted: 9 to 90, blind, cripple or crazy.
I'm looking for a girl with a good appetite, a girl that can eat me under the table.
Write you application on a $100 bill . . . . .
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What would you call a guy with a rubber toe?.........."Roberto" :cheers:
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A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
:cheers:
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Costume
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint..
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
:mrgreen:
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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, terrorism attacks, world war 3, global warming, my retirement savings, Social Security, my job, national health care, and my credit card debt... that I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center somewhere in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal -
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck... :mrgreen:
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The US troops in Afghanistan still have a sense of humor. One of them sent this out and it's making the rounds:
YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF:
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against...
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
And to that last one I'd add that anthrax is a venereal disease.
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LMAO!! k.h.!! Thanks!
Lynda
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I need some serious man-to-man advice. :-(
My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately. She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer. Jim, this, Jim that. :x
Well I let suspicion get the best of me. I followed her to the gym. After an hour, she came out with a man. They got into his car and drove off. I followed them to a house in Irvine. They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out. I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window. As I approached the house, the lights came on. I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it.
I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide. Just great. What next??
So I'm really in a predictment. What do I do?
Do you think it will buff out? Or should I have the whole door repainted?
next time I drop her home I'll have a look at it for ya......
Kind regards , Jim
btw , it's Friday here...
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do
the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For
lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.
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A very old man was walking along by a pond when he heard a voice call out. He looked around but all he saw was a frog sitting on the bank. The frog said "hey old man, if you pick me up and kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and we will make wild, passionate love all day and night". The old man bent down and picked up the frog and put it in his coat pocket. The frog said "I don't think you understood me. You have to kiss me to turn me into a beautiful young woman so we can make wild, passionate love all day and night" The old man said "I understood you, but at my age I would rather have a talking frog".
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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:-o
Swine Flu Warning........
(http://i959.photobucket.com/albums/ae75/Dakzila/Swine_Flu.jpg)
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For the above few jokes I am laughing my lips off!!!!!! :lol:
-
:-o
Swine Flu Warning........
(http://i959.photobucket.com/albums/ae75/Dakzila/Swine_Flu.jpg)
I'm sorry to hear that my ex-wife isn't feeling well.
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What do call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
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I finally got around to going fishing this mornin, but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels. and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
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A snake with a good taste for wiskey!!!!
Buzz
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What do call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
What do you call a deer with a one bad eye? A bad eye deer. (say it fast and think "southern")
What do you call a deer with a two bad eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
Feel free after each one of these jokes to click on this http://instantrimshot.com/ (http://instantrimshot.com/)
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What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
What do I call a dog with no legs? Cigarette.
I take him out for a drag every morning.
-
What do you call a water skier w/ no arms/legs? "Skip" ( Glad to see this thread is back on topic) :-D
-
What do you call a water skier w/ no arms/legs? "Skip" ( Glad to see this thread is back on topic) :-D
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...
laying at your doorstep? Matt
hanging on the wall? Art
in your mailbox? Bill
laying on the beach? Sandy
laying in a pile of leaves? Russel
floating in the pool? Bob
laying on a shovel? Doug
laying in a hole? Phil
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What do call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
What do you call a deer with a one bad eye? A bad eye deer. (say it fast and think "southern")
What do you call a deer with a two bad eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
Feel free after each one of these jokes to click on this http://instantrimshot.com/ (http://instantrimshot.com/)
Love the rim shot!!!
Buzz
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Forwarded to me by Ed Hillstrom.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh,
shit!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can
also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..
Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.
-
Q: What can you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take him for a drag. :lol:
Much thanks to Joe Walsh and The James Gang.
-
GWillard, I have experienced every one of those....I laughed so hard that people in my office are starting to look at me funny.
(http://e.deviantart.net/emoticons/r/rofl.gif)
-
True story.
Let me start by saying that, as a rule, I kinda like cats. I've got one in my lap right now.
Last year, the state of Wisconsin DNR considered rule changes that would permit the hunting of feral cats. Due to the enormous public outcry, with few people understanding the difference between feral cats and stray domestic cats (and sadly, probably including some hunters), the proposal didn't fly. So Fluffy remains protected in Wisconsin.
My good friend Dirk and I were discussing this on his porch, and as he is wont to do, he waited for me to pour my Jim Beam Rye back in my hat before uttering -
"So many cats - so few recipes".
:-o
Yup - right out my nose and all over my shirt. :cheers:
-
Random Thoughts for the Day:
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Was learning cursive really necessary?
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
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Mike, those thoughts might be random, but you sure hit it on the head.
"Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong."
Rule # 1. I am never wrong.
Rule # 2. If I am wrong, refer to rule #1.
"There is great need for a sarcasm font."
(http://pages.sbcglobal.net/dean4/_images/Sarcastic.JPG)
http://www.acidfonts.com/freefonts/sarcastic.htm (http://www.acidfonts.com/freefonts/sarcastic.htm)
"How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?" Fold? What is that word?
"Was learning cursive really necessary?" Hell, I never did. If I can't give it to you from a computer then you will never see it."
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
If you haven't learned spontaneous story telling by now, you are late in the curve. "He would probably flip the car over, and I would have to execute a 360 spin to land the car properly. I would leap out of the car and we would have a fight to the death. Dad would win."
My son is 28 and as he was growing up he was constantly astonished that I knew exactly what kind of mischief he was up to. I just didn't bother to tell him I had done all those things he wasn't allowed to do. And more. I really didn't tell him about all the stuff I set on fire or blew up! By 13 I already had made my own black powder. Fun through chemistry.
-
Aaagh! I did it again!
Unfortunately, my random thoughts aren't so lucid. :mrgreen: or publishable!
I should have stated at the top that it was something I received via email.
Mike
-
What's a blue ray? I'm still useing my BetaMax!! :-o
-
What's a blue ray? I'm still useing my BetaMax!! :-o
Don't laugh - Cheap Trick just released their new album, and you can get it on 8-track.
http://cheaptrick.shop.musictoday.com/Dept.aspx?cp=10_21036 (http://cheaptrick.shop.musictoday.com/Dept.aspx?cp=10_21036)
Scroll about a quarter of the way down, and there it is.
I'm trying to remember if I grabbed the Craig Powerplay out of my Corvair before I junked it . . .
-
The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008!!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
-
Mike, No need to save phone #s. Just do what I`ve done. Take a phone book ,and using a marking pen cross out all the people you don`t know. :cheers:J.B.
-
Why did the siamese twins go to London?
So the other one could drive for a while.
-
Two guys are fishing when a D.N.R. officer pulls up to the boat and asks for their fishing lic. One guy fumbles his wallet and in the lake it goes. Just as he reaches in the water to retrieve it, A big fish grabs it and swims away. That fish passed the wallet to another fish, who did the same until a school of them were taking part in the "game". The 3 men watched in awe ,as none of them had ever seen " Carp to carp walleting"
-
:roll: OOoooooooooo!
-
The economy is so bad … (How bad IS it?!) …
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 Ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The economy is worse than divorce. I lost half my money and still have the wife.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal...Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear.
:mrgreen:
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And if it cost a quarter to s h i -, I'd have to throw up! Crow.
-
I asked a masochist friend why she married a sadist .She said...."Beats me"
-
You know what you give the cannibal that is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder...http://instantcrickets.com/ (http://instantcrickets.com/) Hello, is this mic on?
-
Not a joke...or Friday...but what the heck.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buttered_cat_paradox (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buttered_cat_paradox)
-
I like it.
-
A couple go out for dinner and the guy asks the waitress what the evenings specials are. She tells him it`s chicken on wild rice w/ a cream sauce. He asks "How is the chicken prepared"? Waitress says " We break it to him gently and tell him it`s nothing personal" :cheers:
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Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like ten million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
' NO SHIT .' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
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Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's freakin hilarious!
I know, I know...that's probably in bad taste and I'll pay for it later. I just can't resist a joke with an unexpected punchline. This one is the opposite, it has an expected punchline.
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
See, not as funny as the first one...
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What do you call video of pedestrians?............."Footage"
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Not so Stupid........................
A Redneck from Texas walked into a bank in
New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told
the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need
some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed
over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on
the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced
the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using
a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the
$5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said,
'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a
highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real
estate and financial interests all over the world. Your
investments include a large number of wind turbines
around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?
The good 'ole Texas boy replied, Where else in
New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
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I just received this from my uncle in Red Bluff California:
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
:cheers: Mike
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JD, That reminded me. In the 60's my wife worked in Beverly Hills on Wilshire Blvd. The guys in the Standard Gas station across the street told her that the actress Edie Adams would always pull into the back of the station and tell them she wanted her battery charged and take off. 3 hours later she would come back and pay $1 for the battery charge. Being so good looking none of the guys minded that she was saving $8 by not parking in the parking lot next door for $3 an hour.
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TGIF
What is Tiger Wood's favorite Christmas song?
I'm dreaming of a white mistress.
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I have a friend who's a pilot on a 747 I said
Hi Jack
He shot me
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Two cows are standing in a field. One cow looks toward the sky and says " Moo" The other cow says" Dodge ,I was just going to say that " :cheers:
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TGIF
What is Tiger Wood's favorite Christmas song?
I'm dreaming of a white mistress.
That was racist,tacky,sophomoric, rude, un-p.c. and un-called for.......Keep up the good work :evil: Jerry
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A ten year old boy and a 10 year old girl were playing in a park somewhere in West Wendover.
It seems the boy noticed that the girl could do most of the climbing and swinging he could.
A bit frustrated, he told her boys were better than girls. And of course she said no they weren't.
The boy pulled a ball of string out of his pocket and said "I bet you don't have one of these." She pulled out a larger ball of string with many colors.
He then took out 87 cents and said "I bet you don't have this much." She took out a dollar and 50 cents.
Quickly, he pulled out a green frog and said "I bet you don't have one of these." Slowly, she pulled out a larger green frog with bright red spots.
Not to be out done, he said OK, he pulled his shorts down and said "I bet you don't have one of these." The girl hesitated and then pulled down her shorts and looked down. She said "You are right I don't have one of those, but with one of these I can get as many of THOSE as I want."
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Phillips Screwdriver:
Milk of magnesia and vodka
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Metric screwdriver...........100ml. vodka-300ml. O.J. :cheers:
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A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.
As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on Earth did you know?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
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Pile Driver
Vodka and Prune Juice
Will
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Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.
Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.
Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
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Robbie,, 7:15am Posts ? You have to much free time on your hands,,, come on up here and help me work on my car !!!!
Have a good weekend,,, we are prepping for the "massive snow storm today/tomorrow" yeah right !!
Charles
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Why did the woman cross the road?.....Better question,....What`s she doing out of the kitchen?
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after reading some of these jokes If I were some of you guys---I wouldn't worry about if your wife caught porn :-o on your computer it think the greater danger would be some of the jokes you are posting----lol--- me looking over my shoulder :-D
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Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second hand store :cheers:
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"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it." :cheers:
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What does Rudolph the Reindeer say when he tells a joke?........"This one will sleigh you" :cheers:
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Vet Schooled:
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor
started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an
example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
arse of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the arse of the dead cow and sucking on
it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".
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(http://www.turbopinto.com/Smileys/default/puke.gif) I don't think I want Christmas breakfast.
:-D Merry Christmas to all!
Mike
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Gotta admit it's an effective method of instruction for a lesson to be well remembered. From an alumni of the school of hard knocks.
Ed
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Late model Corvette: Smokin' burnout (http://videos.streetfire.net/video/Burnout-Fail-Clutch-of_726077.htm) :mrgreen:
Mike
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Linky-no-worky. :|
But while we wait for maintenance, my favorite children's poems:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
So now they have a son.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so are you.
But the roses are wilted
The violets are dead
The sugar bowls empty
Just like your head.
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A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right when he said, "Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home".
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Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress.
The cupboard was bare.
And so was her daughter, I guess.
Correct link to the burnout video
http://videos.streetfire.net/video/Burnout-Fail-Clutch-of_726077.htm (http://videos.streetfire.net/video/Burnout-Fail-Clutch-of_726077.htm)
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How long does it take to load? I waited a couple of minutes -- couldn't even see the beginning. But -- I did get an ad that popped up after I closed the streetfire page. I've now got a reason to not go to yet another site. Thanks for trying, Dean.
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...
Correct link to the burnout video
http://videos.streetfire.net/video/Burnout-Fail-Clutch-of_726077.htm (http://videos.streetfire.net/video/Burnout-Fail-Clutch-of_726077.htm)
Two possibilities:
He has no clue how to do burnouts in a Manual.
He has no idea how to turn off the A/H and T/C so he can do a burnout.
For our Z06:
Turn off both T/C and A/H.
Roll through water, stay on the damp area, not the pit.
Put in 1st gear, clutch in.
Take RPM to 6000-6500.
Drop clutch instantly as you floor the throttle and swap clutch foot to brake, using no more pressure than necessary.
With modern drag tires, you shouldn't need much heat, so just get a bit of smoke, roll out as you feather throttle down gently and push in the clutch. Do not let the tires hit hard, or you can break the Getrag.
Turn on A/H but leave T/C off (comp mode).
If OEM street tires, do not even bother with the burnout, it will seldom help.
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Here's my wife heating the tires in manual 2000 Camaro (has T/C but no A/H):
http://www.qinsp.com/Pat/kat1201burnout.MPG
Me goofing in the same car:
(http://www.qinsp.com/Pat/burnout1.jpg)
Couldn't find any vette pics.
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Linky-no-worky. :|
Fixed :oops:
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I normally wouldn`t wish for harm to a basic idiot, But, that idiot should have lost his throttle foot to the clutch gods on that one. :-o
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I normally wouldn`t wish for harm to a basic idiot, But, that idiot should have lost his throttle foot to the clutch gods on that one. :-o
I'd only get pissed if he goes to his Chevy dealer and asks them to warranty his clutch. Pretty sure he will though.
Some of the newer cars have "abuse management" tables in the ECM that stop idiots like that, but I know the 2001-2004's Z06's did not, not sure about the new ones. My pickup has it, but I crippled it. While it's still under warranty, I have a hunch that if I showed up for warranty work, I'd get sued by the family of the service writer who died of laughter.
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Big news in Wichita's paper this morning, seems there was a jail break last night and a midget fortune-teller escaped.
The headline ........ SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE
Yea, it ain't Friday but someone had to get this thread back on track :roll:
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This one's really true scoop:
Back when public radio was just beginning to be "public radio" instead of "educational radio" -- the public broadcasting folks had a great PR guy who came up with this phrase to describe the service. He said that "Public radio is the rare medium that's well-done".
Really he did, I kid you not. It was on the radio back in the late 60's and early 70's. I don't remember his name -- it was the 60's, you know. . .
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Slim...........You of all people. ( I`m referring to the day,of course)JB
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This one's really true scoop:
Back when public radio was just beginning to be "public radio" instead of "educational radio" -- the public broadcasting folks had a great PR guy who came up with this phrase to describe the service. He said that "Public radio is the rare medium that's well-done".
Really he did, I kid you not. It was on the radio back in the late 60's and early 70's. I don't remember his name -- it was the 60's, you know. . .
I heard something similar describing why television is called a "medium". It is because nothing on it is either rare nor well-done. :-P
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What do you call a fly with no wings??..............A walk
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Rudy and Sasha are sitting in their Moscow apartment when Rudy looks out at the clear,blue sky and says " Looks like rain". 10 seconds later, a rain of biblical proportions starts. Wife asks how he predicted that and he replies............."Rudolph the red knows rain, Dear"
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"Ultimate Redneck Waterskiing": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5AcQahwKs0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5AcQahwKs0)
:cheers:
Mike
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A husband asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She replies, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6.00, now get out."
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Is that Rudolph, the communist weatherman????
Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear.
What does Rudolph the Reindeer say when he tells a joke?........"This one will sleigh you" :cheers:
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What do oceans say when they meet?.........Nothing, They wave. ( I`ll be here all week,Don`t forget to tip your waitress)
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Q) What says "tick tock woof, tick tock woof"?A) A watch dog :cheers:
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Q) What goes "whiff whiff pong, whiff whiff pong, whiff whiff pong? A) Two guys playing tennis in corduroy shorts. :cheers:
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The German prisoner of war camp was not going well.
The commandant was infuriated that the American prisoners would not cooperate.
The commandant had all of the prisoners lined up in the broiling sun.
"You vill stand at attention! You vill not move a muscle until I tell you to do so."
Several hours go by. The commandant returns.
"I see you are restless. I vill give you something to do. You will stand at attention. You vill move your head side to side and say 'tick tock, tick tock' until I tell you to stop."
The entire camp is standing in the unendurable heat going "tick tock, tick tock".
There heads are going back and forth, and after a while a few of them start swaying front to back just before they faint from the heat.
As the afternoon wears on one by one they fall.
As the heat peaks there is finally just one soldier still standing. He is moving is head to one side only and saying "tick, tick, tick."
The commandant returns to this one still standing soldier. He walks up to him and studies him carefully.
"I see you have disobeyed my command. You stand in front of me going 'tick, tick, tick.' It is no matter."
"Ve have ways to make you tock."
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This one's really true scoop:
Back when public radio was just beginning to be "public radio" instead of "educational radio" -- the public broadcasting folks had a great PR guy who came up with this phrase to describe the service. He said that "Public radio is the rare medium that's well-done".
Really he did, I kid you not. It was on the radio back in the late 60's and early 70's. I don't remember his name -- it was the 60's, you know. . .
I also heard the same guy went to a palm reader to have her tell him his fortune. As she looked at his palm she said with a smile and a giggle . ."you will die young".
She laughed again and said, "You will soon lose all your money and possessions."
Then with a great belly laugh she shouted, "AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU! HA! HA! HA!"
Well he didn't see the humor in his fortune and was so outraged at her laughter that he began to beat the fortune teller to within a inch of her life.
The police arrived and took him to the judge. The next day the front page of the local paper said - "Man arrested for striking a happy medium."
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
Teeth down there
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down there!"
"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
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My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in for a bit, pulled out, flipped her back over and messed her face and hair.
She stormed out of the bedroom.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
:|
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Well, as long as we are all confessing to our sexual adventures,,,,,,,,
The wife and I did it "DOGGY STYLE" last night. I sat up and begged,,,,She rolled over and played dead.
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And the stupid joke thread turns to the gutter.............. :evil: :cheers: :-o
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There was a blond and a brunette in an elevator when a young handsome man walks in. The blond looks at the brunette and whispers, hey he's hot. The brunette looks at her and whispers back, yeah but he needs Head and Shoulders. The man walks out of the elevator and the blond says to the brunette, how do you give shoulders?
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Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold..
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
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:-D And,,,The law of kick starting a Harley Davidson.....The amount of kicks it takes is directly proportional to the amount of people watching you attempt this. Crow.
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Now this only going to be funny if the Swear Police are on a donut break:
Ready?
Okay, repeat this phrase:
Eye yam sofa King wee Todd Ed, sofa king wee Todd Ed.
That's it, that's all I've got.
Lynda
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:-D Amen!
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Cute, Lynda. I'll try to remember that for the first time we show up at Land's End next summer.
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NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's proposal to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had also changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Kasey Kahne for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
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BBarn- that is good stuff. LOL!
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Uh....Hmmm.....It`s not..............Oh forget it :evil:
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:-D Not politically correct, but dang funny. :cheers:
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:-D Not politically correct, but dang funny. :cheers:
It's not politically correct if you take it that way. I debated a bit before I posted it, I came to the conclusion that it was neither racist nor derogatory to any group but inner-city thugs that have chosen a life of crime over a life of production.
For any that may have been offended, I am sorry you are offended, not sorry that I posted it. I took the time to actually read it a couple of times and from my perspective, I found nothing racist in it. As far as politically correct, I don't buy into the whole PC thing. People are people, you take them at their word until something they do or say contradicts their word. Our founding fathers were pretty clear on their intentions, no where in their writings does it say that we have to answer for other people's opinions or thoughts on our own thoughts or statements. If someone chooses to snub me or think less of me, that's their choice, I won't taunt them with my beliefs and demand that they change their point of view to match mine.
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(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj236/maguromic/26489708.gif)
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:-D Not politically correct, but dang funny. :cheers:
I`m not going down the P.C. road again. It`s just......not........FRIDAY(!!!!)
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But you do have to be politically correct.
Reminds me of the time I was walking down the street with a buddy.
He says, "Two Polocks were walking down the street . . . "
I cut him off. "Wait a minute. In this day and age you can't be discriminating against minorities. I'll bet the joke would be just as funny if you used Martians."
My buddy keeps walking. He says, "Two Polock Martians are walking down the street . . . "
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Dean.........Go to your room :cheers:(and stay there `til.........Friday)!!! :wink: J.B.
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The Invisible man married the Invisible woman..............Their kids were nothing to look at :cheers:
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Best stupid joke of all time.
One day there were three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. Baby tomato is walking too slowly, so the daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says "ketchup!"
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Best stupid joke of all time.
One day there were three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. Baby tomato is walking too slowly, so the daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says "ketchup!"
http://instantrimshot.com/
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Guess we will have to keep that one open all day Friday... I went back a page read the jokes and clicked the drum.... made most of them a lot more bearable...
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Guy walking on the train tracks was struck by a locomotive and lost his entire left side. Doctor says he`ll be all right. :cheers:
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Baby polar bear asks Daddy polar bear, " Dad, am I 100% pure polar bear?"
To which Daddy polar bear responds, " Well, son, both my parents were 100% pure polar bear, and both your mother's parents were 100% pure polar bear, that makes us both 100% pure polar bear. So yes, son, you are 100% pure polar bear. Why do you ask?"
"Cuz I'm freezing my ass off, Dad!"
:-P
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Guy walking on the train tracks was struck by a locomotive and lost his entire left side. Doctor says he`ll be all right. :cheers:
Floydjer - -
My new girlfriend told me that joke. She only has one leg. Her name is. . . Eileen.
:-D
Note: Was that a Conservative locomotive?
So there, I didn't want you to be one leg up on me. :cheers:
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Hillybilly family in Tennessee struggles to save every penny to put one kid through college.
It is graduation day. The father is so proud. His son starts to approach the podium to receive his diploma ...
"THAT'S MA SUN BILLY!!! HE IS SOOO SMART!!! HE CAN SPEAK IN ALGERBIE! SAY SOMETHING IN ALGERBIE BILLY!!!", bellows dad from the audience.
Billy is a bit humiliated, but wants to settle his dad down. "Uh, Pi R Squared?" says Billy.
Pa turns to Ma and shakes his head and looks down. "I'm so embarrassed Ma. Everyone knows pies are round. All that work down the drain ..."
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I resent those Pollock jokes, and I'm considering organizing a boycott of this website. :x
Pollock is a very tasty North Atlantic fish that many people base their livelihood and survival on. It is not something to be scorned or ridiculed. :x
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Guy walking on the train tracks was struck by a locomotive and lost his entire left side. Doctor says he`ll be all right. :cheers:
Floydjer - -
My new girlfriend told me that joke. She only has one leg. Her name is. . . Eileen.
:-D
Note: Was that a Conservative locomotive?
So there, I didn't want you to be one leg up on me. :cheers:
is her favorite restaurant ihop
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Reminds me of my old girlfriend, Peg. Didn't have a leg to stand on.
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Our secretary, Miss Tamaguchi only has one leg as well.
Her first name is Irene.
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I resent those Pollock jokes, and I'm considering organizing a boycott of this website. :x
Pollock is a very tasty North Atlantic fish that many people base their livelihood and survival on. It is not something to be scorned or ridiculed. :x
Your wife must be a better cook than mine.
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When we were young, My sisters "smoked" so many candy cigarettes, I got second hand diabetes.
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> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>
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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
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Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
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Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
That's one of my favorites! I have it on my office wall along with "Never underestimate the power of a large group of stupid people" and "Nothing is foolproof to the sufficiently talented fool"
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Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
They must have met super Kaz!! :roll:
Oops, sorry Jon :-D
Lynda
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This morning, I went down to have my dog apply for welfare.
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".
So, I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy,
can't speak English, and has no clue who her father is.
So, she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dog gets her first check this coming Friday.
Damn, this is a great country.
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> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>
I happen to "Know a guy" that did that, "Back in his drinking days".....Sat there acting like he was looking for something so people wouldn`t think he was stupid.....or real drunk. :wink:
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Stopped by a Blonde friend `s house to see how her bathroom paint job was progressing. She was standing there wearing a ski parka and a 3/4 length leather jacket. I asked about her attire and she said "The can says for best coverage,apply two coats"
-
Getting to the bottom of the barrel, Jerry.
-
> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>
SSS - -
I have Floridian neighbors like this.
The report did not go on to say she mention that "after they took all that stuff, they installed a beautiful padded dashboard."
S-J-F :-D
-
Getting to the bottom of the barrel, Jerry.
But......I`m staying "on topic"
-
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed; lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK?
I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.'
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The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!
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(http://hill-kleerup.org/blog/wp/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/girl-scout-cookies.jpg)
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!'
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The Judge said to me " You`re here today for public intoxication" And I said "Great!! When do we start"? :evil:
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A guy goes to Heaven & sees clocks all around & asks St. Paul what they're for. St. Paul says they show how many times someone has lied. He points at George Washington's and says, "It's only moved once, because he only lied once. & that is Mother Theresa's. It hasn't moved at all because she never lied." Guy asks, "What about President Obama?" St. Paul says, "His is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"
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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the
cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The
cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have
to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he
returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation
briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony."
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
HER DIARY:
Dear Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster...
HIS DIARY:
My boat wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
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From my crazy uncle (an OLD guy :mrgreen: ) in Red Bluff:
An old guy was in Lowe's the other day, pushing his cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing his cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she’s 24 years old, tall, with blond hair , green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Most old guys are helpful like that. :cheers:
Mike
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An Amish family was on their first ever trip to the big city. While Ma and the girls went window shopping, Pa and his sone went to take a look inside a skyscraper. As they entered Pa watched an old, no-so-attractive, half-bald woman walk into an elevator. He watched as the door shut, then a minute later the door opened and out stepped a beautiful young woman all vibrant and full of energy. Another old woman went in, and a minute later another young lady walked out. The young boy tugged on Pa's arm and asked, "Pa, what IS that room??" Pa answered quietly, "I'm not 100% sure, son, but go git yer mother. QUICK!!"
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DON'T tell Warner. He'll have a conniption fit trying to figure out what class it belongs to.
Sorry if this isn't a joke. More like a series of them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-Lnfpulwjc&feature=PlayList&p=4581B372D85A1E14&index=24&playnext=4&playnext_from=PL
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Is that the real propster. :evil:
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Trying to summons the demon Glen????
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A couple "be" lying in bed one night when a knock is heard at the door. Guy goes to the door and a really drunk guy asks if he can get a push. Home owner declines and slams the door. Wife tells him to think back a few months when their car broke down and a nice person gave them a push. Guy puts on his clothes,shoes and hat, goes outside and yells to the drunk "Still need a push"? Drunks says he does. Guy says "Where are you"? Drunk says " Over here on the swing" :cheers:
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Jerry, let's keep an eye out for incorrect verb tenses. "A couple" is singular, so the verb should NOT be "are", but rather "is". Thanks for your attention to this matter.
-
Jon --
How'd you know the couple were single. I'd heard they were married (?).
Stain
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Stolen from another Mike, a Canadian, eh?
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations... She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.. :mrgreen:
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And on a related note:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1Jpesze3cM&feature=related
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And now that we have a bit of a segue (that's Segway for those who are "counting"), and since it's not Friday, try this. It's a bit of an old favorite, but I still love it.
And if they'd been chasin' a Chevy they wouldn't a caught it in the first place.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y03K1QkuFYM
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Sorry I couldn't wait til Friday..................................
THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....
And BBQ's...... He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer
and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..
On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans,chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...
Well.... Almost good.....
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!
-
Why is it that when a woman is pregnant her friends all rub her belly and congratulate her, But they don`t rub the guy "below the belt" and say "Nice work'?? :evil:
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Puns
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!" Ê
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
-
do I dare call it number 22.......
A termite walks into a bar, looks around and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
Mark
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Or 23. What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
-
24. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
25. What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him for a drag.
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:cheers: An old repeat of mine: What happens when you cross a mule, and a peanut butter sandwich? You either get a hairy peanut butter sandwich,,,,,or a piece of azz that sticks to the roof of your mouth! :-o :? :-D Crow.
-
:?
Friday, the 26th of March, and no stupid joke to be had?
We have become a humorless lot. :roll:
Or are we simply saving it up for April Fools day? :cheers:
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Sure looks like everybody suddenly realized they were running out of time with their builds!!! Of course, we've always got you handy, MM, to lighten the load!!
Lynda
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With apologies for the lack of political correctness and picking on our neighbors to the south, if Stupid Joke Friday was without any entries, I offer this a day late:
Two Mexican chaps are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
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Sorry everyone, I was out of town, forgot, and a day late. Won`t happen again :cheers:J.B.
-
With apologies for the lack of political correctness and picking on our neighbors to the south, if Stupid Joke Friday was without any entries, I offer this a day late:
Two Mexican chaps are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
If there is ever an award for the "Best (Worst) of Stupid Joke Friday" this one will be a finalist. The envelope please.
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With apologies to the ladies of the site...........................Did you hear there is a new drug for women who turned lesbian but want to go back to being straight? It`s called "Tricoxagin" :cheers:
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Yet another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. 'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da ...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road ... '
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'.
'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'. 'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
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Mike, can you get your uncle from Red Bluff to attend Salt Talks this year? I think he'd be a great entertainer.
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As an un-reconstructed chauvinist, I pass along this scientifically documented study:
Behavior Procedures At A Bank's Drive-Thru ATM Machine:
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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One day, while going to the store, a guy passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. He thought this
was a bit unusual, but continued on his way to the store.
On his return trip, he passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time his curiosity got the best of him, & he went inside to talk to the
Nursing Home Administrator. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," she said. "They 're retired prostitutes, & they're having a yard
Sale."
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Got this today from a friend in Portugal, English is not his first language, but I won't make any corrections:
An airplane, are sit side by side, an Peasant and and a Jehovah's Witness.
The Peasant asks the hostess a glass of red wine.
The hostess then asks the Jehovah's Witness if he also want to drink something. The Jehovah's Witness, offended, replies:
- I'd rather liked to be savagely raped by a dozen Babylon's prostitutes, than a drop of alcohol touch my lips!
The Peasant returns the glass of red wine to the hostess and tell her:
- Me too!!! I didn't know we could choose!...
-
Rude Customers - How to handle.
For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers - An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna , British Columbia for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have you attention please, " she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Screw You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
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Jehovah's Witnesses have no prohibition about drinking. Maybe switch, for the sake of the joke, to Muslims or something.
Just thought I'd letcha know.
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Couple of these weren`t bad..................check the thread title :cheers:
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My apologies to the JW's reading. But made me think of the local guy's '39 Stude drag race coupe when I was a kid, with the name "Holy Roller" painted on both sides.
But, here's another joke from Antonio in Portugal, again, without the English corrected:
T Ford and the Maserati Sebring:
He was on the road a Maserati Sebring to 100 miles/h, when suddenly, is exceeded by the famous Ford Model T, the driver shouts at him:
- Do you know the Ford T???!!!
The Maserati driver angry, depresse the accelerator and reaches 160 miles/h.
After some time, to great surprise of the driver of the Maserati Sebring, returns to being overtaken by the old machine of Henry Ford and again to the question, shouting:
- Do you know the Ford T???!!!
He was really upset and pulls the Maserati up to 180 miles/h. But again, the scene repeats with the scream:
- Do you know the Ford T???!!!
What you know?!... For a while, he couldn’t see the old Ford?!...
After a few miles, he see the Model T Ford that had hit a young little tree, which luckily the driver is bent under the old car and the victim, only suffered some minor abrasions.
Is was the time of the rematch of the driver of Italian car:
- Very well done! So you do not arm yourself in silly, bothering me with "do you know the Ford T?!"
- But I just wanted to know how to stop it... replied the Ford T driver.
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One more from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff, a day late:
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”
The lady can't take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly!
“In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '!’
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again :cheers:
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Bravo Mike :cheers: :cheers:
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:-D I owe you $5.00 :cheers:
Geo
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:cheers: Ya got 5 worth acomma frmme also!
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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where ever you left it :cheers:
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My offices management structure:
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Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun.
"I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and says "then you must be....?"
"Yes, I'm the chip monk."
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A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of Subaru every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's 2 buckets." The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: "So, what's it like out there?"/ "Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of Subaru is killing me. And you?" / "Ah, it feels just like home - either the Subaru doesn't get delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!"
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A health care bureaucrat visits a mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great Obama Care is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies "I'm not crazy, I work here."
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There I sat all broken hearted, had run 8 blocks, and only farted.
Then one day, I took a chance, did not run, and s%&t in my pants.
:cry: :cry:
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NOT! from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.
Mike
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What would you name a baby girl with a birth mark that looks like a sinking ship ? Mandy Lifeboats :cheers:
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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
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From the Junior High School bathroom reading list:
1. Yellow River by I.P. Freely
2. Under the Grandstands by Seymore Butts
3. 1000 Miles to the Outhouse by Willy Makit, edited by Betty Wont, illistrated by Shirly Hopeso
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#4: Rustle in the Bushes by Noey Didn't.
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Also one day late. Graffite (?) on porta-john wall. "Can you toast toilet paper? No, but I can brown it on one side."
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What time is it if 5 elephants are chasing you?
< 5 after 1 >
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Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they
Take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as the world's best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
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What did one sagging boob say to the other sagging boob? If we don`t get some support, People will think we`re nuts :cheers:
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Jerry, they're getting lower (the jokes you post, that is) by the day.
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Jerry, they're getting lower (the jokes you post, that is) by the day.
Just trying to stay on topic, Jon :cheers:J.B
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Another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
AIN'T LOVE GRAND
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 ears ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.'
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Carnation milk co. was having a contest for a new slogan. A young lady entered with, Carnation milk is grand the best milk in the land.
She gave the letter to her brother to mail. Before he did so he added his own ideas and sent it off. A month or so later she received a letter saying she had won first prise. It went on to say that due to the content the slogan would only be used in personel sales contacts. Remembering she had given the letter to her brother she asked what he had done. He told her he had added to the slogan so that it read ," Carnation milk is grand the best milk in the land no t*ts to pull no sh*t to pitch just punch a hole in the son of a b*tch.
Jack
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Researchers have found the active chemical in beer...Turns out it`s a female hormone. Must be true, Because after 22 beers I start to talk Subaru and can`t drive worth a Dodge. :cheers: ( this is from memory, mind you)
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
'First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
'Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
'Third: What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
St. Peter's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and very frustrated St. Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song:
'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
'ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
'ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
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What was the 10th reindeer`s name?...."Olive"......."Olive the other reindeer".................
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What was the 10th reindeer`s name?...."Olive"......."Olive the other reindeer".................
She was the mean one - used to laugh and call him names. I'll bet she was the one who orchestrated the ostracising of poor Rudolph.
DOE!
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A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says," Why the long face?"
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What do you call a Priest who robs a jazz club - Felonious Monk
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relaxedphit;
Arrrggghhh...............
Seriously, when Thelonious Monk's wife was miffed at him she called him "Melodious Thunk".
Regards, Neil
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
Another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
Yet another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
So I asked myself, "Wow, what on earth is going on in Red Bluff that could make this crazy uncle of Mike's so prolific in the ways of humor?"
Quote from Wikipedia -
"The town is well-known throughout the nation due to its popular bull competitions." :-D
May he never stop. :cheers:
Mike, warmest regards to your Crazy Uncle in Red Bluff!
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well Mikes crazy uncle in red bluff told me this one.......
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
Kent
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Two guys are in your kitchen. How do you tell which one is a cowboy??... He`s the one on the range :cheers:
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From an Austrian friend--
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them.
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My crazy uncle from Red Bluff asked me to tell you guys how much he really appreciates the positive comments about his jokes. He would have told you himself but he has legal restrictions about communicating on the internet with anyone besides immediate family. :-D
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00AM - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
:cheers:
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What do you call a Priest who robs a jazz club - Felonious Monk
Some good music there, I recently bought a multi CD set that about 7 songs by him.
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A grizzly bear walks in to a bar and says " I`ll have a rum and...................coke" Bartender says " What`s with the big pause"? and the bear says " I`ve had them all my life"
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From a friend in the medical trades:
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. M, San Francisco
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. R, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. S
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. .
‘Which one ?'. .. . I asked. '
The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. R, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. S, Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.’ .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. L, Detroit
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery...
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN, no name,
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
1 MORE--
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,’ she said, ‘I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.’
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OK, here's one from first hand experience............
When I was about 19 I worked as a theater orderly at a public hospital here in Melbourne. Specifically I worked in the anesthetics department restocking and cleaning the procedure cabinets that sit next to the table in the theater and the Boyles machines that have all the gas regulating gear on them.
Generally theaters have what are referred to as surgical "lists" the same stuff goes on at the same time of the week, Wednesdays at the Queen Vic was ENT ( ear, nose and throat) the bulk of it was rhinoplastys( straightening the bone structure) and septoplastys (opening up the inside of noses).Not cosmetic but more so people can breathe properly. Most local anesthetics are artificial cocaine derivitives like Xylocaine or what people commonly call "Novacaine"....these work as a local anesthetic AND they also work as a vaso-constrictor closing down capillaries and minimising bleeding.....however the best thing for this is just plain old cocaine. Because of the nature of the nose having a high blood supply and no way to put a tourniquet on it the best pre-operative procedure is to pack the nostrils with cocaine impregnated gauze, pharmaceutical grade,100% cocaine.
This procedure would generally be done by a trainee surgeon about 20minutes or so before the patient went into surgery and make no mistake people don't stick cocaine up their noses for no reason, when it's pharmaceutical grade it numbs them from their scalp to their adams apple and sends them off a bit......at the same time some of these patients have already had some other type of pre-op medication....While packing the patients nostrils the doctor will be explaining to them that it is being done so as to minimise pain, swelling and bleeding during and after the operation.
Anyway , I'm standing in one of the theater ante-rooms with my supervisor a very camp six foot four seventeen stone guy called Bruce(no , not kidding and he had dyed multi colored hair), we are watching as a very nervy trainee begins the nose pack gig on a patient, blah , blah.......Bruce leans down and whispers to me " mmmmmmm, and make sure you get the right patient this time you silly man"......................
The week before the same guy had dutifully packed the nose of a woman explaining as he went that it would reduce the pain, and swelling and bleeding during and after the operation , which she probably thought was kinda weird.......because she was going in to see the gynacologist.
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Hmmmm....Let me show you how this thread works......This guy with dyxlesia walked in to a bra............
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One more for the Junior High School Reading List:
"The Tigers Revenge" by Claude Balls
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Hmmmm....Let me show you how this thread works......This guy with dyxlesia walked in to a bra............
why thanks assgroper
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You guys better be careful or you will get DAM after you.
DAM...... Mothers Against Dyslexia
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Hmmmm....Let me show you how this thread works......This guy with dyxlesia walked in to a bra............
Hey - HEY - HEY! This ain't funny. I suffer from lesdyxia, and even I know how to take off a bar. :evil:
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The hillbillys were actually pretty smart, so smart in fact that they invented oral hygiene. You know if anyone else invented it we would be using teeth brushes and teeth paste...
Whats a hillbillys favorite activity on Halloween? Pumpkin...
A hillbilly gets off of work from the coal mine and is walking home when he notices that all of his clothes are sitting in the front yard and that his wife is throwing the rest of his possessions out into the front yard also. He asks his wife what is going on and she replies that she wants a divorce because she just found out that he was a pedophile. He then realized that pedophile was a very big word for a 12 year old...
Yeah, I know... It ain't Friday...
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"Lighten up" PM sent.
Jon
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:-o :-o :-o Look out. :-D :-D
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Back to the medical humor - I think the emergency room doctor submitted this one to Readers Digest.
I have 4 boys ages 24 down to 11 and all of them are quite active in sports. Needless to say we have been to the emergency room more than a few times. A couple of years ago my 14 year old who at the time was 10 or 11 decided that he wanted to try and slide down the banister. Well it didn't work to well and he fell from the second floor to the first floor hallway clipping a table before he smacked the hardwood floor. He sat up after a few seconds - seemed ok except for a gusher out of the bottom of his foot. He had caught a candlestick with his bare foot coming down.
Off to the hospital - Of course my wife had called 911 in a panic when it happened and I hung up before before they answered (or so I thought). Myself, wife and son make it to the emergency room after a bit of a drive in 2 feet of snow (DC doesn't do to well removing that much snow). Anyway I walk in carrying him and the doctor looks up and says - Hey Joel - Which one now? What did he do this time? You know you have been to the ER one to many times when the doctor on staff at 11:00 at night on a Sunday is on a first name basis with you.
About that time a nurse looks up and says, sir I think your son is on the phone with a police officer. The cops had showed up at our house with an ambulance and were none too happy when we weren't there. I guess I hung up on 911 a little too late. They thought someone was dying and dispatched fire-rescue, an ambulance, and a police cruiser. My oldest told them we were at the hospital and they wanted to verify. Anyway that all gets straightened out and the doctor looks at my son's foot. He tells him that he is going to need a few stitches under his big toe. My son looks at him and starts to cry for the first time since the accident.
The doctor asks him what's wrong - My sons looks up and asks him. Are you going to use a sewing machine? Because I think that is going to hurt.
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Speaking of Friday........................How deep would the oceans be if they weren`t full of sponges??? :cheers:
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Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic???????? :evil:
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:-D Three guys standing on the street corner, a black guy, white guy, and a Mexican guy. They have had a couple of adult beverages in the tavern, and now they are out on the corner discussing how they would like to "buy" a woman for the nite. They pool their money together and come up with $40. A hooker is walking buy and she hears the three talking. She says, "Hey fellahs, I could use some extra money, but I will only go home with one of you for $40. So, to make it a contest to see who I go home with,,,the man who comes up with the best sentence using the words liver and cheese can have me for the nite. After a minute or so the black guy jumps out and says, "Lordy, lordy. lordy mamma! I sure does love to eat that liver and cheese! The hooker says, that has alot of soul to it! The white guy steps up and says, frankly, a person from my culture, cares for neither liver, nor cheese. The hooker says, "thats just lame.... The little Mexican guy looks at the black guy, then the white guy, and says...."Leever alone,,,cheese mine!
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff: :mrgreen:
Backwoods funeral in UP Michigan
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play my bagpipes at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in rural Michigan.
I wasn't familiar with the mountain roads so I ended up getting lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had already gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. The only ones left were the diggers and crew and they were on their lunch break.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave, looked down, and saw that the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting In septic tanks for twenty years."
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A king on a remote island was very loved by his people, and they wanted to show him how much they cared for him, so they got together and decided to build him a throne to sit on during island functions and give it to him as a present. The rock carvers searched all over the island for the perfect stone to carve the throne out of, and finally found it after looking for two months. They transported the stone back to their workshop which took a week. They started chiseling out the form of the throne, and the whole time they were doing this, the other islanders looked around the island for things to adorn the throne with. Several of the islanders found gems, and a couple of them found silver nuggets to put on the throne. Finally, after seven months of carving, chiseling and decorating the throne for their king, they presented it to him. He was extremely happy, but realized that he couldn't leave the throne out where other islands might come by and steal his throne, so the islanders decided to build a shelf over the kings bed in his grass hut to put the throne on so that no one would steal it. After a week, the shelf was complete and they placed the throne on it. The king went to bed that night, and in the middle of the night, the shelf broke killing their king. The morale?
People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones...
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My contribution......
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
> congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
> passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
> would his paycheck.
>
> After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
> congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
> preacher's
> expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering
> ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were
> costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
>
> After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from
> his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take
> as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
>
> In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally
> said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when
> we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
>
> The entire congregation said, 'Amen
Ron B.
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I`m such a pessimist, my blood type is B negative :cheers:
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A good one - 5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh**, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Ron B.
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Just getting a jump on Friday....
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
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It's Friday in Australia
A grizzly bear walks in to a bar and says " I`ll have a rum and...................coke" Bartender says " What`s with the big pause"? and the bear says " I`ve had them all my life"
Reminds me of the one about the grasshopper that hops into a bar, hops up on a barstool and orders a drink. The bartender says, "hey, we have a drink here named after you!" and the grasshopper replies, "What? Kevin?"
An oldy but a crappy
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Yeah, but sometimes the crappy ones make me smile. :cheers:
Mike
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This guy goes to a doctor because he has strawberries growing out of his head. Doc. looks at him and says..."I`ll give you some cream for those " :cheers:
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'
____________________________________________________________
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
:cheers:
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Anyone else think Mike should bring his uncle to Salt talks and give him a "Mr. Microphone???? :cheers:
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Anyone else think Mike should bring his uncle to Salt talks and give him a "Mr. Microphone???? :cheers:
+1 vote for Mike's Uncle at the salt!
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Plus 2!!
Lynda
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General Motors has finally stepped up to the plate and has developed very advanced technology.
They have hired the best engineers, chemists and physicists.
The outcome is that they have developed a car that runs on water!
The only catch is the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.
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*10 Husbands, Still a Virgin*
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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A guy is fumbling for coins to put in a parking meter when a pair of ducks walk by. He asks if one of them has a quarter and one duck says..." No, We just have bills"
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Four drunks are in a bar talking and trying to figure out what the fastest thing that there is, the 1st drunk says , "Light, it goes 186,000 miles per second, and that's what everything is measured by". The drunks think about this for a few seconds, and then the second drunk speaks up. "I think the fastest thing is a blink, says in the Bible that he will come in the blinking of an eye, gotta be the fastest thing". The 3rd drunk says "Naah, that can't be it, you gotta think about blinking, so a thought has gotta be faster than that. I say a thought is the fastest thing". The other three drunks look at the fourth who has his head on the Bar almost passed out and ask him what he thinks is the fastest thing. The 4th drunk lifts his head, says "Diarrhea" and puts his head back on the bar. The other three drunks look at each other, and wake the 4th drunk back up to explain his answer. He replies "Yesterday morning, after drinking all night, I went to bed, and before I could think, blink, or turn a light on, I had Subaru all over myself".
-
A friend wanted to buy a bakery...But she couldn`t raise the dough............................. :cheers:
-
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
-
The golf club's resident duffer decided to challenge the pro to a $500 match. The pro was curious and asked about the proposed game, and the duffer replied that they'd play even up -- but that he (the duffer) would be allowed two "gotchas". The pro didn't know what the heck was a "gotcha" but figured he'd be able to win anyway -- so they headed for the first tee.
A few hours later the folks at the clubhouse saw the pair returning after the 18th hole -- and were stunned to see the pro handing over a big wad of cash. When the guys got in the clubhouse they were asked about the match and why the old guy beat the pro, and the pro replied:
"Well, as we were at the first tee and I was beginning my swing, this old fart reached up between my legs and grabbed my private parts while yelling "Gotcha!". The crowd said, okay so why did you lose?
"Have you ever played a round of golf wondering when the NEXT gotcha will happen?"
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Why does a milking stool have 3 legs??? ..Because the cow has the udder :cheers:
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Why does a milking stool have 3 legs??? ..Because the cow has the udder :cheers:
My friend, you're on the wrong side of the lake for cheezy dairy jokes. :-D
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Puns. The lowest form of humor.
1. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
2. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
3. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
4. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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#4 was a coffee spitter, :wink:
-
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Enough, I'm going back out to the garage.
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:-D Thank you!!!!!
-
I had a job as a life guard once......Some lady with a blue kid got me fired............... :evil:
-
:?
(http://sweetcottagecharm.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/las-vegas-blue-man-group.png)
:mrgreen:
Mike
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I had a job as a surgeon once. I got fired. It wasn't so much for the surgical practice as it was for the deep grooves in the operating table. :-o
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Two secrets to success..(1) Don`t reveal everything you know. :cheers:
-
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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:cheers: And to cure the hiccups.....stick your head in a bucket of water three times,,,,,,,,,but only take it out twice. Also,,,,,,I LOVE children,,,,,,,,baked, broiled or fried!! Happy 4th holiday to you all! Crow.
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Ok, one bad pun deserves another:
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
Wait for it. Wait for it..
You're just gonna love this..
(http://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/bp_logo_color.jpg)
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Where do bees go to pee?
A BP station.
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:-D One of my favorite late Aunts jokes. Every time I hear it I think of her! Thank you! Crow.
-
What has more lives than a cat??? A frog...They croak every night
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My crazy uncle in Red Bluff sent along this new Microsoft product:
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_X0foKsqcNpU/R0Wsz5k06pI/AAAAAAAAAhY/YNAu5t18JFA/s400/Microsoft+Word+for+Blondes+1.0.jpg)
He says that it is typical Microsoft: they'll have version 1.1 out on Monday; it will have a bigger eraser.
Mike
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The version 1.2 will have " PRINT " on the lead end and " DELETE " on the eraser end.
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ATTABOY's
ATTABOY's are awarded to those that do good deeds, finish a job ahead of schedule, set a new record, etc. The collection of 1000 ATTABOY's earns you the respect and admiration of your peers, and entitles you to be a leader of men.
But remember, one AHSH*T wipes the board clean, and you have to start over.
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didn't want to go through 30 odd pages to see if this was already in the thread so I apologise if it is :lol:
Two snow men in field full of snow, one turns to the other, takes a few sniffs and says "Can you smell carrots?"
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
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Railroad tracks.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?
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If your pet fish goes deaf, do you buy it a herring aid????? :cheers:
-
Incident At Cabela's
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite
rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a
good all around combination; and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00.'
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll
take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops
on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At
first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is
no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only
person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be
$34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale
for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is
$20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is
$3.50.
-
I love it. (my Dad was howling)
-
I put on a clean pair of socks every day this week................Now my shoes don`t fit.....................
-
News from a friend out West:
GOOD
A Boise, Idaho policeman had a perfect
spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the
problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign,
which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an
accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full
of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Moscow,
Idaho. A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Idaho State Trooper walked to her
car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball."
He replied, "Idaho State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his
patrol car and left.
-
most of the credit for this one belongs to Flip Wilson:
A land speed racing team finally had their lakester ready for a test run. Not far away was a pretty much abbandoned farm road that almost never saw any traffic. While setting up, they attract the attention of a neighborhood kid, who rides over on his minibike to check it out.
"Wow! Ive never seen anything like that before! What is it?" says the kid.
"That's our lakester, we're gonna try and set the new land speed record with it." the driver replies proudly.
"Can I watch?" the boy asks.
"Sure." agrees the driver.
The lakester takes off, the kid right behind it riding on his minibike. The driver sees him and laughs smugly.
"Now its time to open 'er up" the driver says to himself. The driver accelerates hard. The lakester is picking up speed, faster, faster, " and the kid thought he could keep up on a minibike."
At a little over 200, the driver looked back and not only was the kid keeping up, he was gaining on him! Doing a double take, the driver actually watched as the minibike passed him up. Frustrated, the driver begins slowing down. By the time he comes to a complete stop, the kid is coming back over to the lakester fast, BACKWARDS!
SMASH!!!! the kid and minibike hit the parked lakester. The minibike is in pieces and the dazed kid is sprawled out on the hood.
"Kid, are you okay?" the driver asked, shocked by everything that just happened.
"I think so." he replies in a shaky voice.
"Can I do anything to help?" the concerned driver asks.
"My susspenders snagged on your car, can you unhook them?"
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Barrasso stops Billy Carter Service Station Museum from becoming national park
By Alex Pappas -- The Daily Caller | Published: 11:00 AM 07/23/2010 | Updated: 1:03 PM 07/23/2010
The gas station of former President Jimmy Carter’s beer drinking brother will not become a national historic site paid for by taxpayers — at least, not yet.
Legislation that would expand the former president’s national historic site by 30 acres at a cost of $17 million over five years was pulled from consideration during a Senate committee meeting Thursday. Republican Sen. John Barrasso of Wyoming offered an amendment preventing the Billy Carter Service Station Museum from being included in the expansion, making the Georgia museum a national park. The House has already passed similar legislation.
“The Los Angeles Times posed the question best: ‘In the age of the $787-billion stimulus package, it is, perhaps, a modest question: Should the American taxpayer foot the bill to enshrine the gas station run by the late Billy Carter?’’ Barrasso said during the meeting. “I believe the answer is no.”
The younger Carter was known for his outlandish behavior while his older brother was president, including his promotion of “Billy Beer.”
(http://redneckcertificate.com/gallery/billy-carter.jpg)
According to Barrasso’s office, it is unclear when the bill will receive a vote, though his office says he “will continue to fight to ensure that no taxpayer dollars are used to support the Billy Carter Gas Station.”
The Billy Carter Gas Station is privately owned, but its ownership would be transferred to the government if the legislation is approved. The gas station has old gasoline pumps, stacked tires outside, colorful articles from Carter’s closet, commendations from around the world and “Billy Beer” paraphernalia.
“Mother always believed — and she convinced the rest of us — that Billy was the most brilliant member of the family,” said Jimmy Carter, according to a past Associated Press report. “And I don’t think anybody would doubt that.”
Billy Carter died in 1988 of cancer.
http://dailycaller.com/2010/07/23/barrasso-stops-billy-carter-service-station-museum-from-becoming-national-park/ (http://dailycaller.com/2010/07/23/barrasso-stops-billy-carter-service-station-museum-from-becoming-national-park/)
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What do call a calf that is over 6 months old??? ........... 7 months old :cheers:
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The best way to catch a rabbit? Sit behind a bush, and make a noise like a carrot! Crow.
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I wanted to be a history teacher until I found out there was no future in it.......................... :wink:
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I wanted to be a history teacher until I found out there was no future in it..........................
Hey me too! I used to watch the History Channel, but it's nothing but re-runs.
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On his 77th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, Pete drove to the reservation and handed his gift certificate to the medicine man.
The medicine man produced a potion, handed it to Pete, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."
Pete was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4;' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Eager to see if it would work, Pete went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3". Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. ... Because we could end up with a dangling participle...........
:cheers:
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Mike :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Lynda
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A guy goes to the emergency room and says he feels like a deck of cards.....The doc. says" I`ll deal with you later" :cheers:
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.'
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
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WHEN
I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a
couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.
''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of
this Horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you
a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
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I know a guy who`s a Dyslexic Devil worshipper....He sold his soul to Santa.............. :cheers:
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
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Question:
Upon entering a laboratory, you see an experiment. How do you know which class it belongs to?
Answer:
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
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I know a guy who`s a Dyslexic Devil worshipper....He sold his soul to Santa.............. :cheers:
Maybe he believes in Dog.
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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Is reading jokes written on bathroom stalls considered multi-tasking???
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My wife joined DAM ............... Mothers again"t Dyslexia
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The economy is so bad that: I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The Mafia is laying off judges. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all weekend.
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The economy is so bad that: I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The Mafia is laying off judges. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all weekend.
The BEST so far ! ! ! ! !
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Why can`t you starve in the desert?? Because of the sand which is everywhere :cheers:
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This is pretty funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SsJ1eo9kqE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SsJ1eo9kqE)
.
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.'
An old M/Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3147/2622093527_4af66faf23.jpg)
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer call it the cockpit'
'It's the Box Office.'
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Why couldn`t the bicycle stand on it`s own?? Because it was two tired :cheers: ( at least I stay on topic)
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
Nude Runner
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air . "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope... just when it's raining."
:roll:
Mike
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Charley went to the cemetery to visit a recently passed friend.
As he was walking through the grounds, much to his horror he noticed there were recent burials and the body was exposed.
In fact, he noticed a whole row where they were buried with the butt sticking out of the ground.
Charley stormed into the office and demanded to know what was going on.
The office manager calmly informed him that they were short on bicycle racks.
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Funny, not as a joke but as an event.
It's worth a few minutes.
Probably happened at Dan's impound.
How fast can you take a Jeep apart, then put it back together?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gD78rTF0Rjo
FREUD
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A man was dining in a fancy restaurant , and there was a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since
he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air,
and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre
and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest
dreams and he shared his.. .. She listened.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful
time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said,
"You are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way? "
"No, " she replied. . ...........
" You just happened to catch my eye. "
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How many ears does Mr. Spock have?? Three ...left ear, right ear and the final front ear. :cheers:
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My crazy uncle in Red Bluff loves Fridays:
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
:cheers:
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:-D AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!
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A couple who have been married 50 years are walking across a field when they come to an old wishing well. The guy tosses in a coin and makes a wish. The lady leans over the edge to drop her coin and falls to her death. The man says ' I`ll be darned.....These things do work"
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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If a clock is still hungry after it eats, Does it go back for seconds?? :cheers:
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From my brother in law , How do you know if your cat is a redneck
It walks in to the living room and throws dynomite into the fish bowl.
terry
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I once accused a fiend of mine of fishing with dynamite and he got a real hurt look on his face and said "you know I ain't used dynamite since Honda came out with those little generators." Redneck gone high-tech.
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:-D A great mental picture!!!!
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the
time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his
problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have
a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the
examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one
finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his
head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the
right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip
on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the
midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied,
"Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots..."
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Hey Dakzila. Now that is a really funny joke.. I am still laughing 10 minutes after the fact.... Good on you!!! Mike R.
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A friend uses both left and right handed shot guns for deer hunting.......He`s bambi-dextrous
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Is this thing on????.....A lawyer opened a bar...All they served were Supeona Coladas :cheers:
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My crazy uncle in Red Bluff loves Friday :mrgreen:
An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, hows about gettin me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?". The waitress nodded so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke too.
As Jesus got up to leave. He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"
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NASCAR would be an interesting motorsport if half the cars were running in the opposite direction.
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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bas*%$ds at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
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Moxnix ... they sorta do this at the local 1/4 mile, call it figure 8 and it isnt that interesting ...
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What is a caveman`s favorite sandwich??....The Club :cheers:
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Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)
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Good ones. Very good!
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Historians have found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, All of the league records were lost in a fire , so we`ll never know for whom the Tell`s bowled........................... :cheers:
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Cowboy Wisdom
The guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time
so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that
Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's
man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I
went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good
night...
Bob sat up and watched me all night."
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Q: what do you call a fake noodle / A: An Impasta :cheers:
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What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common ?.... Their middle names. :cheers: (I`ll be here all week...Don`t forget to tip your waitress)
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This guy takes his black lab to the vet because it`s cross-eyed. Doc picks up the dog, looks at it`s eyes and says he`ll have to put him down. Guy says " Because he`s cross-eyed???" Doc says ' No,...Because he`s heavy" :roll:
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Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"
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Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"
This one stinks. :-D Tony
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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head!!!'
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:-D now that's funny, I don't care who you are... :cheers:
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I decide to name my pet newt "Tiny"....Because he`s my newt :cheers:
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:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
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Guy goes to the doctor and says ' You have to help me, I`m turning into a set of curtains"....Doc. says " You have to pull yourself together"........................
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Guy goes to the doctor and says ' You have to help me, I`m turning into a set of curtains"....Doc. says " You have to pull yourself together"........................
am I the only one who thinks this thread is drawing to a close?
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:cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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:roll: AAAAAWWWWW come on! I get some of my best material from here! ( Thats a joke Son!)
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This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink." There's an old drunk sitting next to her. Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink." She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another. The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants." Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."
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Guy goes to the doctor and says ' You have to help me, I`m turning into a set of curtains"....Doc. says " You have to pull yourself together"........................
am I the only one who thinks this thread is drawing to a close?
Doc, You need this more than I do www.instantrimshot.com :cheers:
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Friday bonus for Doc.G`s Mrs. What would you call bears without ears??...."B" :cheers:
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Who rides around in a sleigh biting people ???....Santa Jaws :cheers:
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A young Arab asks his father:
What is this weird hat that we are wearing?
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?
It's a "djellabah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, Father. . .?
Yes my son?
Why are we living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this stuff?
-
Hmm, okay. My crazy uncle in Red Bluff sent this:
(http://www.strangemilitary.com/images/content/170703.JPG)
Mike
-
HOW IS NORMA?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me subaru."
-
??????....??????Blood "goof-off"??.....???Work-up?? Slim, Back those filter settings down a turn or two. :cheers:
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Friday bonus for Doc.G`s Mrs. What would you call bears without ears??...."B" :cheers:
I set up some soooooper doooooper recording gear , when she heard that joke I captured this............
http://free-loops.com/2056-groan.html
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Maybe Jon's definition of wo r k is goof-off :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
??????....??????Blood "goof-off"??.....???goof-off-up?? Slim, Back those filter settings down a turn or two. :cheers:
Well someone did ask to filter that 4 letter word that starts with w.... :roll:
-
Hey Slim...Your filter messed up my styling sig. line :-o
-
Hey, that's cool. Thanks for telling us all to look there, Jerry. Maybe I'll work on another "w" word -- just to mess with your sig.
-
When my niece was little her dad was catching hell from mom for saying . . . hell.
His response to my niece was to point up to the sky and say, "See that up there? That's a hecktacopter"
-
Which is the laziest mountain??......Mount Ever-rest :cheers:
-
Doctor David had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice
in his head that said,
"David, don't worry about it. She's a bitch anyway, and you aren't the first medical practitioner
to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last."
"And you're single. Just let it go, David."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:
"David . . . you're a veterinarian, you sick SOB!"
-
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed..
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
-
News flash**************The Energizer Bunny has been arrested...He was charged with battery. :cheers:
-
News flash**************The Energizer Bunny has been arrested...He was charged with battery. :cheers:
Pa rum pa pum pum . . .
-
Dear Kids:
There is no Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents and relatives.
Love, WikiLeaks.
-
A love struck teenager asks his father how much it costs to get married....Dad says " I don`t know....I`m still paying....."
-
Why Italians Pass Their Handguns Down Through The Family
An Old Italian man is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside... “Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
-
This one is for Bob Wanner. It may have been posted here in the dim, dark past -- but here it is anyway.
There was a fellow that had an unusual gastrointestinal problem, in that whenever he passed gas the sound was just like that of a motorcycle exhaust. He was, of course, embarrassed enough that he visited his doctor, a few specialists in digestive ailments and diseases, and so on -- with no relief. One of the docs, though, suggested that this guy go see an oriental physician that was widely-known for diagnosing unusual problems. So -- our noisy guy made an appointment with Dr. Chang.
The good doctor asked a few questions about the guy's diet, bowel habits, and even the exercise regimen he followed. That didn't bring up any answers, so the doctor next asked if the man had any trouble with his teeth.
"Why, yes, I do", said the guy. "My gum is swollen right under two of my teeth."
"Ah so", said the Oriental. He immediately prescribed some antibiotics for the inflamed gumline and sent the guy home - with a request that he return in two weeks for a follow-up.
two weeks later at the appointment the doctor asked about the strange eructations (fancy word for noise made by gas escaping from the body). The fellow was pleased to report that he now could break wind silently with the best of them -- no more "vroom-vroom" or anything. He thanked the doctor and asked him how he was able to diagnose the problem.
The doctor replied: Ancient Chinese proverb - says "Abcess makes the fart go Honda".
-
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans
to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say
much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if
it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it
had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way
home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally,
with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he
responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he
was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell
asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
LSR car wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got a little.
-
I resemble that remark, I'm also divorced. :-( :-( :-(
Pete
-
A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window, and mutters 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her in back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir’.
The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes…'
-
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?" :-o
-
When tempted to fight fire with fire, Remember....The fire department uses water. :cheers:
-
Haha...NEVER under estimate the boundaries of a women!!! hehe
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
Scroll down
BE SURE AND SCROLL PAST THE PICTURE
(http://P.S . Your girlfriend called.)
-
This one maybe :? :?
(http://www.gamerevolution.com/images/blogpics/car_crash.jpg)
:cheers: Mike
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Guess you already knew that one! I'm not sure why the pic wouldn't post.
Here's one:
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
His wife was really angry.
She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure
enough,there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the
driveway. Confused,the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand
new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Wednesday. Please pray for him!
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Two Seagulls are sitting on a Perch...............One bird asks " Do you smell fish " ??? :cheers:
-
What would you call a ghost that haunts a T.V. show??......."Phantom of the Oprah" :cheers:
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My favorite super hero and his side kick were run over by a steam roller. Now they`re " Flatman & Ribbon :cheers:
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What`s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?? Anyone can roast beef. :cheers:
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Jer, where do you find these? And now -- next time Nancy serves pea soup I'm gonna be wondering. . .
-
A man goes to a restaurant and orders asparagus with hollandaise sauce.
His meal arrives and he notices the plate is chrome. He asks the waiter why the plate is chrome.
The waiter replies "because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
-
Slim goes to the restaurant and orders pea soup.
The waitress brings out the hot steaming bowl of soup.
Slim notices that she has her thumb in the soup.
"Hey! What's with the thumb in the soup?"
She replies, "I have a blister and the doctor told me to keep it warm."
Slim said, "Well why don't you stick it up your a**!!"
She replies, "I do when I'm in the kitchen."
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey...
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his Acura, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his Acura, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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I think I`ll open an Elvis Presley themed restaurant....For people who love meat tender..............Thank you, Thank you very much :wink:
-
From an anonymous local LSR record holder:
Friendly Advice
Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurt, and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
:cheers:
Mike
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I saw a pirate standing in a pile of treasure....He must not have been verry good at "Pirating"...His booty was only shin-deep. :cheers:
-
I tried gold prospecting.....It didn`t pan out.................
-
I left my job as a clock repairman. The hours were all wrong.....
-
Testicle Therapy (Yet another golfer joke)
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
-
A man had been going to the doctor for a excruciating headache for several months.
The doctor finally says, "we have tried every drug known to man for pain relief and nothing seems to help. The only thing I can recommend is cutting off one of your testes".
The guy says "That seems pretty severe but I have to have some relief, Go ahead".
When he came back to the doc a week later, he says "It's much better but the headaches are still terrible".
The doc says "Our only option is to cut the other testicle for complete relief".
The man after a lot of serious deliberation finally says "Go ahead".
The head aches went completely away. The man was so happy to have the pain gone he decided to buy himself a new suit.
The tailor when measuring him says "Lets see, that's a 36" waist".
The man says "No that's a 32" waist. I've been wearing 32" shorts for years"
The tailor says "Didn't you know that if you wear your shorts too tight it squeezes your testicles and gives you headaches?"
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Ron... Ron... Ron, you can only post to this thread on Friday... I'm surprised Jerry let that slip by.... You have to use the other threads the other 6 days of the week.... :roll:
:cheers:
-
Stainless, they are behind times at least a day or two.
-
Stainless, they are behind times at least a day or two.
Glen, you mean in Nebraska, its more than that, but way less than in Kansas....when I moved here I had to set my watch back 20 years..... :roll:
Hey Ron, go Big Red, nice job on TX....
-
Yeah, it was Nebraska I was talking about. There are a couple of others as well, Parts of Utah is still trying to catch up. lol
-
Sorry about that. I'll honestly try to do better in the future if you all will forgive me. As usual, I can't pay attention let alone my parts bill (indigestion-swallowing valves is expensive). I wasn't paying attention and only looked at the new posts and reminded me of that one so replied.
Stainless
My parts are at Saum in Wichita for repairs. When I come to get them hopefully he can take me to see Tom Hannah's liner, go again to Boeing surplus and the yard.
Ron
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What with today being Friday................ :evil: Did I tell you about the two Fungus that started dating?? They took a lichen to each other.
-
Yeah, it was Nebraska I was talking about. There are a couple of others as well, Parts of Utah is still trying to catch up. lol
Yeah. It's still 1955 here in Salina. That's why I moved here. :-) Wayno
-
My best friend went ice fishing last week and caught 20 pounds.
His wife tried to cook it and they both drowned. :oops:
-
Did I tell you about the two Fungus that started dating?? They took a lichen to each other.
Freddie Fungus took a lichen to Alice Algae.
Not two fungus.
-
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note: these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.
-
I know of two ways to argue with a woman.
Neither one works. :-P
-
Well it's Friday in California, so....Vicki loves this one
What do you call a mushroom with a 9 inch stem?
A Fungi to be with.
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I'm sure this one doesn't apply to LSR guys, probably just Nascar...
A Professor of Physiology was teaching a lesson about involuntary muscle reactions. Noticing he was losing his audience he decided to spice the lesson up a bit. He picked on the prettiest gal in class and asked her does she know what her Acura is doing when she is having an orgasm. She replied sure, he's in the garage working on his race car....
Remember, I vill be here all of zee week!
-
Olive oil is made from olives,..Corn oil is made from corn.....What is baby oil made from??? :cheers:
-
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.
The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper - no bleeps or xxxs:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
Note: a search of www.washingtonpost.com finds a claim that this particular contest never took place, however, the winning results of several of the weekly contests are not available in their archives, so who knows if the opening claim is accurate - Mike
-
Hey
In line with the above: During the attempted Clinton impeachment, had only 13 democratic Senators _risen_ to the occasion, then "Near Miss" Lewinsky would have _gone down_ in history, as the women who blew Bill Clinton away.
and cuss it bad joke Friday:
What did Eve say to Adam after they got kicked out of the Garden of Eden?
"Do these leaves make my butt look big?"
Somethings never change.
-
Olive oil is made from olives,..Corn oil is made from corn.....What is baby oil made from??? :cheers:
KY jelly?
-
Olive oil is made from olives,..Corn oil is made from corn.....What is baby oil made from??? :cheers:
KY jelly?
KY jelly and baby powder?
-
What is grey, Eats fish and lives in Wash. D.C. ??.....The Presidential Seal :cheers:
-
A younger guy starts emptying his shopping basket at the grocery checkout...
couple of frozen pizzas
chocolate frosted chocolate poptarts
loaf of squishy white bread
half pound of bologna with the floating olives
case of cheap beer
The cute checkout girl rings in the last item, looks up at the guy and asks,"You're single aren't ya?"
The guy nods yes and asks "how did you know, was it the beer or the pizza?"
"Nah, you are just really ugly!"
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An old bull and young bull were sitting on a hill, looking down at the cows. The young bull says: Lets run down the hill and have sex with one of those cows!
The old bull says nah, lets walk down and have sex with them all. :cheers:
-
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER
(http://www.ioffer.com/img/item/142/164/959/the-hollywood-squares-f81c2.jpg)
HollywoodSquares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'HollywoodSquares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.
Q If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A... Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp FireGirls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
-
Why was the skeleton lonely??... Because he had no body :cheers:
-
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are tipping toddies at the local pub…
As good as this pub is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
-
Nobody tells em like an Irishman from Dublin...Ohio??
Bob
-
Nobody tells em like an Irishman from Dublin...Ohio??
Bob
Suburb of Columbus, Oh. :cheers:
-
Hi Mike
I'm old and my brain is full Just can' remember all the great stuff I once knew (or thought I knew).
-
I know it's not Friday, but maybe some of you haven't made any plans for the weekend and want to get a head start.
After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to
commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better,
so I thought, Ford it, I think I can tough it out!
-
I know it's not Friday, but maybe some of you haven't made any plans for the weekend and want to get a head start.
After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to
commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better,
so I thought, Ford it, I think I can tough it out!
Jim
It's OK
Don't let it get you down
It's Friday here in Australia
G
-
Why is the Easter Bunny`s nose shiny?? Because His powder puff is on the wrong end :cheers:
-
The roadster driver comes home to find his wife in bed with another guy.
He goes over to a drawer and pulls out a gun and puts it up to his head.
His wife yells, "No, No!"
He says, "Don't worry, you're next!"
-
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you suburing me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-
Two little boys, ages 5 and 7, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 5 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
:cheers:
-
I`ll drift back on topic....................Did you hear that the entire crew of the Starship Enterprise are sick???... They all have Chicken Spocks :cheers:
-
I`ll drift back on topic....................Did you hear that the entire crew of the Starship Enterprise are sick???... They all have Chicken Spocks :cheers:
April Fools Day, and THIS was the BEST the Michigan Mad Man could come up with . . . :cry:
-
What would you call James Bond in the bathtub???......." Bubble O 7 " :cheers:
-
From IceColdMikey in Montreal:
BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
-
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy.
I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
-
That Charlie Sheen is one tough SOB!
He took enough drugs to kill two-and-half-men, yet he's still alive! :cheers:
-
Hey Chris.................
-
Where do pigs keep their cars?? ..In Porking lots :cheers: Tax day (traditionaly) bonus,,,Why don`t grizzlies wear shoes?? They like to go bear foot. :roll: And remember, Mosquitos can fly, But flies can`t mosquito.
-
True story:
Went to court on Wed. Our attorney messed up the paperwork, so the judge wouldn't hear the motion.
Driving home on the freeway, the attorney passes us, with his phone glued to his ear. He doesn't see us.
Right then, Kathy's car phone rings.
Kat: "Hello?"
Attorney: "OPPSS! My phone must have butt dialed you by mistake."
Pat: "Well that explains alot ..."
-
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
NEW Wine for Seniors
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE...
Sorry!
-
Just couldn't resist posting this...sorry!
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and
again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
"Hair Spray, Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
Buzz1513B
-
I dated an anesthesiologist once. She was a real knockout.
Okay,, maybe twice.
-
Who makes suits and eats spinach???.... Popeye the Tailorman :cheers:
-
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
:cheers:
-
not friday but..
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the garage behind and underneath my race car.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched down under the race car, I noticed a hairline crack in the 4 link mounting bracket on the rear end.
NOW I am at wits end...
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
Thanks!!!!
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Damn JD, I saw that and said oh boy, it's friday already... :|
Sorry to hear of your trouble, I'd replace the bracket, welding suspension pieces is not recommended :-D
:cheers:
-
Replace both, I've done it a coule of times and it just gets better, handling and otherwise :-D
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Guy walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm...says to the bartender..." I`ll have a beer and one for the road."........................ :cheers:
-
FRIDAY bonus :wink: (Q)What game do you play with a wombat???...(A) Wom
-
Some oldies from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
-----
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. :cheers:
-
:cheers: To reiterate: What do you get when you cross a peanut butter sandwich with a mule? Either a hairy peanut butter sandwich,,,,or a piece of azz that sticks to the roof of your mouth! Crow. LFFL
-
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.
One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellows in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest....."
-
My wife sent me this...
Why I Am now Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
He barely said good morning,
Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
And didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
My handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
When Rick knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
He came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
My kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.
-
Mikes crazy uncle in Red Bluff said this prayer on Easter dinner
DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN
kent
-
What has orange hair, big shoes and comes out of a test tube???....Bozo The Clone :cheers:
-
What did Bin Laden say to his wife on the morning of the seal team attack?
Honey you feed the goats, I'll feed the fish. :lol:
-
Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Gimme a Bin Laden."
"Whazzat?" asks the bartender.
"Two shots and a splash of water." :cheers:
Mike
-
How the word boob was invented! :-o
I prefer to work in 3D but I don't think Slim will let me post that! :-D
-
Woody, I got that one from Ron Main today. Where'd yours originate?
-
It's been around for a couple weeks
-
Woody, I got that one from Ron Main today. Where'd yours originate?
I got a hillbilly neighbor! :-D
It's been around for a couple weeks
My (non-engineer) neighbor probably stared at it for two weeks before he figured it out! :-o
-
My (non-engineer) neighbor probably stared at it for two weeks before he figured it out! :-o
[/quote]
I am convinced that somewhere there are a couple engineers debating wether these are orthographic or first angle projection views.
J
-
My computer can beat me at chess...But it`s no match at kick-boxing :cheers:
-
Two fish are in a tank, One turns to the other and says...." Do you know how to drive this thing" ???
-
Hmmmm....Didn`t like that one eh,??.................. :x Why are Pirates called Pirates??? Because they Arrrrrrrr :cheers:
-
A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:
My friend went out with some guys last night and tied one on.
Knowing that he was wasted, he did something that he had never done before.
He took a bus home.
He arrived home safe and warm, which really surprised me because he had never driven a bus before. :-D
-
What do you call children born in a bordello???....." Brothel sprouts" :cheers:
-
Morning......Here's a nice way to start the day.
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some
construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give
a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began
to build a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her
as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even
presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next
day to start a savings account.
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f****** sheet rock."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
Buzz
-
My pet frog broke his leg.....Now he`s un-hoppy :cheers:
-
Did I mention that my frog wears shoes??? They`re ....."Open-toad" :lol:
-
:-o Now that ya mention it,......."Ya crack me up ,,,, sometimes,,, alot?? Oh welll.....~
-
Walking through the crowd at the last summer Olympics, I saw a man carrying a long wooden shaft. I asked if he were a pole vaulter and he said 'No...I`m german,...But how did you know my name`s Walter?"
-
Did you hear about the suicidal twin who killed her sister by mistake???? :cheers:
-
Jerry, that reminded me of the story about the sadist and masochist that were having a heated discussion. The Masochist said "Hit me, hurt me, please!!", and the Sadist replied "No, I won't. . ."
-
Slim, I asked a masochist friend what she saw in her sadist boyfriend...She said " Beats me " :evil:
-
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
Wish To Live Forever
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
-
This made me laugh hard!!
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you even give a Subaru?
-
I bought a book of poetry , written by Mongolian rulers......It has it`s prose and khans................... :cheers:
-
I bought a book of poetry , written by Mongolian rulers......It has it`s prose and khans................... :cheers:
5:17 in the morning??!! :?
-
A potentate, rich and despotic
had tastes that were rather exotic
"I've always adored making love in a Ford...
you see, I'm auto-erotic."
:-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
There was a young lady from Exeter,
all the young men threw their sex at her!
Just to be rude,
she'd lie in the nude . . .
while her parrot, a pervert, took pecks at her.
-
A young trapeeze artist named Bract
was faced with a very sad fact--
imagine his pain
when again and again
he catches his wife in the act.
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
The Mouse On The Barroom Floor
Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor
When the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
And stood in the pale moon light.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor
Then back on haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar
"Bring on the God Damn cat!"
-
Limericks AND mice -
Which brings us to . . .
Hickory dickory dock
Two mice ran up her sock
One stopped at the garter
The other was smarter
Hickory dickory doc.
-
Hickory dickory dock, TWO mice ran up the clock! The clock struck one, and the other escaped with insurable injuries!
The BEST pick-up line of 2011!!! "Does this smell like chloroform to you?" Crow. LFFL
-
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, (looked JUST like Noonan, but I ain't sayin' fer sure) gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had!
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
-
Hmm - 8:40 Friday, and Floydjer hasn't clocked in yet.
Could only mean one of a couple of things -
He started his holiday bender early - OR - the feds finally caught up with him.
Have a great 4th of July weekend, y'all!
-
Sorry I`m late Chris......................What animal always breaks the law???... The Cheetah :cheers: Did I tell you my wife and I met in a revolving door?...we`re still going around together :cheers:
-
I`d travel to Mexico if I didn`t have to peso much for airfare................................... :cheers:
-
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still up cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
-
You don`t have to wait for me :wink:...Why don`t penguins fly?? Because they`re too short to be pilots :cheers:......You know,... A boiled egg is hard to beat...... :wink:
-
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! 'Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.… And you know men, won't ask for directions...
Keep your GPS handy, guys! :-D
-
Now...an Ole and Lena Joke...
"Ole is on his deathbed. The doctor has told him he has only a few hours to live. He catches the scent of his favorite traditional cookies wafting through the air. With all the strength he can muster, he drags himself into the kitchen and sees a fresh pan cooling on the rack. He cuts one out and bites into the scrumptious treat.
Lena comes in, smacks his hand, and says, "Shame on you, Ole! Dese are for after da funeral"
-
Is this anybody we know?
-
Ohh, boy -- I've gotta make sure Ron sees that one. . .
-
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
-
Oldies, but good principals to be reminded of....
ZEN TEACHINGS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just
leave me the Hell alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you're not getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a
couple of payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience .. and most of that comes from
bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one
works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then
things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
-
My wife is just a whiskey maker, But I love her still................. :cheers:
-
Little early for this but it's a good one.
Santa's New Ride
Twas the night before Christmas all over the
place, When we were confronted by an old flying
ace. There was icing reported and turbulent air,
he said "file me a flight plan I gotta get
there". Outside sat his aircraft already to run,
and the old man walked out to that P-51. "Bad
weather's no problem" he silently mumbled, The
prop came to life.... that big dash9 Allison rumbled. He
eased in the throttle, the roar shook the ground,
he taxied on out and turned it around. He went
through the run-up and seemed satisfied, So he
said to himself, "I'm in for a ride". He lined
it up straight as he poured on the coal, the
tailwheel came up as he started to roll. Up off
the runway he sucked up the gear, and that mighty
V-12 was all you could hear. He screamed overhead
with a deafining crack, The blue flames were
flying from each shiny stack. He pulled up the
nose and started to climb, no ice on that
airframe....it didn't have time. On top of the
weather, all levers were set, he looked up above
and saw a Lear Jet. With jet fuel and turbines
that just ain't no class, gimmee pistons, props,
and lots of av-gas. Now he was approaching where he
wanted to go, but the weather had covered the
runway with snow. How will he land it? We'll
just have to guess, because the only way in was
full ILS. Then over the marker he
started his run, The ceiling was zero, visibility
none. Still going 300 he felt the need, for an
overhead break to diminish his speed. Over the
number he zoomed like a flash, pulled into his
break we knew he would crash. Oh why do they do
it on these kind of nights? Then over the
threshold we saw landing lights. "I'm on short
final with 3 in the green, and I see enough
runway to land this machine". Then he tied down
that Mustang and they all heard him say, "Next
year I'm sticking to my reindeer and sleigh".
-
A lady asks the produce man for some carrots.
He says that they are out of carrots, come back tomorrow.
About five minutes later, same thing.
Ten minutes later, same thing.
Produce man says: Can you spell "cat" as in catastophic?
C-A-T.
Can you spell "dog" as in dogma?
D-O-G
Can you spell Fiat as in carrots?
There's no Fiat in carrots!
Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you!
It might have been funnier without the Fiat . . . .
-
:roll: She was only a stablemans daughter,,,,but all the horse men knew her!
-
Did you hear about the Witch who became a school teacher??..She taught....Spelling :evil:
-
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;
He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster. :-(
Husband's Diary:
Roadster wouldn't start, can't figure it out. :?
-
What`s the chemical formula for water ?? -hijhlmno.............H to O :cheers:
-
A group of men were sitting on the porch outside the general store.
Another man entered the store and asked the young lady for a loaf of rasin bread.
The bread was on the top shelf and as she was climbing the ladder he looked up and saw she was not wearing panties.
She came down and he paid for the bread and left.
When he got outside he told the men what had happened.
Another man went in and asked for rasin bread she went back up the ladder and got the bread.
He paid for it and left.
This happend several more times.
An old man went into tha store to see for his self.
The young lady was still up on the ladder.
She looked down at him and said I suppose yours is rasin to.
He looked up and said no but it sure is a quiverin.
-
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. :-(
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blond with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. :cry:
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." :-o
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared! :-D
-
..."K"....... (thanks Stan) :cheers:
-
Okay, I'm going to beat Jerry to the punch this week. Or in our cases, the punch bowl . . . :cheers:
Pink Floyd was playing in Prague. The stage hand walked over to the microphone and said, "Czech - Czech".
-
Where would you conduct an experiment on a dog??.....In the...Labradory :cheers:
-
Bonus for Jon since I`m late today.......Where do Scandinavian cross country races end??? At the Finnish line :evil:
-
What do they call old people in Portugal??....Portugeezers. (I`ll stop now) :roll:
-
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want
some other a**hole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a**hole?"
-
Okay, I'm going to beat Jerry to the punch this week. Or in our cases, the punch bowl . . . :cheers:
Pink Floyd was playing in Prague. The stage hand walked over to the microphone and said, "Czech - Czech".
Where would you conduct an experiment on a dog??.....In the...Labradory :cheers:
Bonus for Jon since I`m late today.......Where do Scandinavian cross country races end??? At the Finnish line :evil:
What do they call old people in Portugal??....Portugeezers. (I`ll stop now) :roll:
Whooah - I land a sucker punch, and he comes back with a 1 2 3 combination!
Standing down Jerry, standing down . . . :-D
-
Nostalgia isn`t what it used to be.............
-
I`d never hit a man with glasses....I`d hit him with a baseball bat............... :cheers:
-
An American, A Swede, A Pole, A Spaniard, A German, A Greek, A Mexican, A Bolivian, A Chinese, A Viet Namese, An Englishman, An Irishman, An Italian, A Cuban, A Canadian, a Portugese and A Scotsman walk up to a bar. The door man says " Sorry, You can`t come in without a Thai..................... :cheers:
-
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Bubba, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Bubba was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Bubba in the pool!
Bubba was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Bubba was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Bubba and the gator were screaming and raising heck. Finally Bubba strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Bubba then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Bubba, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Bubba.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Bubba.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Bubba said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Bubba, then what do you want?'
Bubba said, 'I want the name of the SoB who pushed me in the pool!'
-
Jerry?
Jerry??
Jerry!!!
Wake up - it's Friday!
If you don't give me a stupid joke, I'll cut and paste my build diary over here.
Chop, chop . . .
-
My dad was on the way to the store, walking down the nice residential street (he lived in Eisenstadt, Austria) and passed the local house of ill repute (there are common and legal in Austria). He was surprised to see six good-looking and naked women lying on the ground, with a somewhat-older good-looking woman standing behind them.
He asked the lady for some explanation, and she told Dad:
"I'm the madam here. The business has been so slow that we're having a yard sale today."
-
How can you find Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
Just look for his sesame seed buns!!
-
Joe goes to a comedian's convention with his friend Charlie, who is a professional comedian.
They're sitting in a large crowded auditorium. Someone stands up and says "47." The crowd laughs. Someone else stands up, says "62." The crowd laughs.
After a couple more like this, Joe asks Charlie what's going on.
"We're all professionals and we know all the jokes," Charlie explains, "so we just give the number to save a lot of time."
Joe asks permission to try it, stands up, says "36." Silence, no laughs, a couple of snickers.
Joe sits down, embarrassed. "What did I do wrong?" he asks.
Charlie says "You know how it is, some people just can't tell a joke."
-
Calm down Chris...I`ve been busy.>>>>>>>>I used to date a girl that had a wooden leg,....But I broke it off :cheers:
-
Bonus for today>> did you hear that Jimmy hoffa has been found?? He works in the materiy ward of a hosoital....Organizing labor pains.......................... :roll: HAPPY LABOR DAY EVERYONE..J.B.
-
Stan, You missed my spelling of Hospital :evil: Anyway...I returned a book on surgery to the book store.....Someone removed the appendix :cheers:
-
Stan, You missed my spelling of Hospital :evil: Anyway...I returned a book on surgery to the book store.....Someone removed the appendix :cheers:
I think I checked that book out from the library - was that the one by Ann Esthesia?
-
No -- Les Paine.
-
A Minister begins his sermon by holding up 4 jars each containing a worm. The first jar is full of alcohol and the worm is dead. The second jar is full of cigarettes and the worm is dead. The third jar is full of chocolate, and yes the worm is dead. The fourth is full of clean fresh soil and the worm is healthy and very much alive. The Minister asked his Flock what they have learned. An old Feisty woman stood up and said: “If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate you won’t get worms!” Sermon over.
-
Charlie is spending quality time . . . with his girl friend. He looks at his watch and says,
"Dang! It's two o'clock and my wife is going to kill me. I gotta get home."
"Wanda, I need some talcum powder. Do you have any?"
Charlie heads home and as soon as the door opens all hell breaks loose.
"Where have you been all night!!"
Charlie is standing there with his hands behind his back.
"I was having sex with Wanda."
"Let me see your hands! Damn! You've been bowling again!!"
-
Calm down Chris...I`ve been busy.>>>>>>>>I used to date a girl that had a wooden leg,....But I broke it off :cheers:
I think I knew her.....Eileen? She belonged to a splinter group for amputrees
-
My one-legged adventure was with a girl named Peg. She left me after an argument when I told her she didn't have a leg to stand on.
-
My one-legged adventure was with a girl named Peg. She left me after an argument when I told her she didn't have a leg to stand on.
Pedant!
.or should I say, stop being so ped-anti-c
-
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
Just a little body humor!
Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge.
:cheers:
-
Two fonts walk in to a bar and the bartender says " We don`t serve your type in here.................." :cheers:
-
More an observation than a joke - or is it . . . ? :roll:
Today, gold is trading at about $1700.00 a troy ounce.
58.8 troy ounces = ~ $100,000.00
There are 10.172 troy ounces per cubic inch.
$100,000.00 worth of gold would be a bar about 1" wide, 1" high, and 5 3/4" long.
Which is about the size of a Nestle $100,000.00 bar.
-
Know what happens to Eskimos that sit on the ice too long?? They get polaroids :cheers:
-
:-D
The way to catch a Polar Bear.
Cut a 6 inch hole in the ice.
Ring the hole with 1 can of S & W Brand Pea's.
When the bear comes out to take a pea,,,,,,
Ya kick 'em in the ice hole!
-
No joke! :-D World's most tatooed man! http://video.foxnews.com/v/1178274046001/?test=faces (http://video.foxnews.com/v/1178274046001/?test=faces)
:cheers:
Mike
-
I wonder how deep the oceans would be without sponges...................................
-
Why such a deep question on a light hearted board Floydjer??? :? :? :? :evil:
Pete
-
What do they call Hawaiian Hebrews?
Pineapple Jews.
-
Know the worst part of a lung transplant??.....Knowing that the first time you cough up phlegm..It isn`t your own................................ :-o
-
Wow....Brought my own thread to a screeching halt........................................... :cry:
-
It's hard to top what you put out there.
By the way, do you know how to top a car?
Tep on the brake tupid!
-
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?/...Because if they flew over the bay, they`d be ....bay gulls. :cheers:
-
Just for Floyd:
The Agony of Dyslexia
After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
-
Mike, Its "Jerry'.....And that one made my head hurt.................... :cheers:
-
Pink Jerry ???
Mike
-
Unh, I got this one on a Friday night?
http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=30018
-
One of those cute little guys got trapped. I hope he is OK.
-
My joke post for the year. DO NOT open until is is Friday.
-
One of those cute little guys got trapped. I hope he is OK.
watch him carefully again, I don't think he got hurt :| :|
OK while I'm here...
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
It's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it. :roll: :roll:
-
It's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it. :roll: :roll:
Depends on where you shop, but you're probably thinking of that silly pop remix that was used in the title credits of the 1982 Laotian "Matt Helm" knockoff, "Ku Chunk La". At least the producers had the good common sense to letter box the laser disc, rather than crop it. Lot of typo's in the subtitles, though.
Of course, that was back when they were signed to Tralfamadore Records - Roger really never did them any favors . . . 8-)
-
Midget, I wonder if there are any LSR venues on Tralfamadore. :? Wayno
-
Midget, I wonder if there are any LSR venues on Tralfamadore. :? Wayno
Could be, but it sure would be tough trying to set a record in a place where time was non linear. :lol:
-
Midget, I wonder if there are any LSR venues on Tralfamadore. :? Wayno
Could be, but it sure would be tough trying to set a record in a place where time was non linear. :lol:
Oh, that. :roll: Wayno
-
Time is a human invention.
-
Time is a human invention.
I'll try to rember that next time. :cheers: Wayno
-
Time is a human invention.
I'll try to rember that next time. :cheers: Wayno
I thought it was money
That's what my employer keeps saying
G
-
Time is a human invention.
That's why it's always 5 o'clock somewhere! :-D
Or beer-thirty! :-)
-
Back on topic.................. :-) A family of sheep moved in next door....They invited me over for a Baa-baa- Que
-
I just reached 200 posts; I keep forgetting, are hats for speed or posts.
-
Charlie made his millions in technology.
To show off his riches he built an 80,000 square foot house on 126 acres.
He told the builder that he wanted the massive oak tree on the back of the property moved to the front yard.
The builder told him it would cost a huge amount of money.
Charlie said he didn't care, that was where he had sex for the first time.
"Really?" Said the builder.
"Yep, her mom was standing there too."
"No! What did she say?"
"Baa Baa"
-
I must be in impound because I reached 201 posts and now back to 199. Looks like a hat is on the way with this post of 200, if I make it through clocks.
-
Charlie made his millions in technology.
To show off his riches he built an 80,000 square foot house on 126 acres.
He told the builder that he wanted the massive oak tree on the back of the property moved to the front yard.
The builder told him it would cost a huge amount of money.
Charlie said he didn't care, that was where he had sex for the first time.
"Really?" Said the builder.
"Yep, her mom was standing there too."
"No! What did she say?"
"Baa Baa"
I didn't know Charlie was a Kiwi . . .
Now that I think about it, I didn't know they had oak trees on New Zealand, either.
-
Time is a human invention.
I heard time was nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
-
:-o I heard that sheep were daaaamn good!
-
Seen in the rear window of a
redneck hillbilly Chevrolet pickemup:
"I didn't do it.
"Nobody saw me.
"You can't prove it.
"The sheep are lying."
Mike
-
Three lies a Cowboy might tell:
I won this belt buckle in the Rodeo.
The Pickup is paid for.
I was just helping the sheep over the fence.
Oh Baabaaraa! :evil:
-
Mutton punchers lament: There will never be another ewe.
-
:-D What is a Sheep Herder's Sandwich? Two pieces of bread, and a little piece of ewe!
-
While driving through the Ohio with my former boss, I kept hearing daaaaaddy, daaaaddy.
I have no idea.
-
Crazy!
"Sheep twins" get a "special offer" to upgrade to "Sky couch" on Air New Zealand: http://www.airnewzealand.com/skycouch-promotion (http://www.airnewzealand.com/skycouch-promotion)
Mike
-
Looks like a great way to manage a twaw!
-
Wow, this week I feel like every day is Friday. I hope someone's lawyer doesn't make Slim remove it!
-
Jerry, you usually lead off on the SJF, but I've got to tell, I think you've found a topic that really works on this forum. This sheep thing seems to have legs.
Long, thin, shapely legs . . .
-
Angelo immigrated from Italy and made a fortune selling spaghetti.
He talked to the builder about the house of his dreams.
"I wanna curvin stairs onna right. I wanna curvin stairs onna left. In the middle I wanna hollow statue."
The builder was puzzled by the language, but got everything but the last one.
"You want a hollow statue?"
"Yessa, I wanna hollow statue inna tween the stairs."
The builder figured he had a lot of money to throw around, so he had a sculptor carve a beautiful, although hollow, statue.
On the day the build was finished the builder opened the front door to two fantastic curving stairways surrounding the statue.
"Hey! Thema stairs looka really great. The carved broad looks a good too. But wheres the hollow statue?"
"It's right there!"
"No, no. I wanna . . . you know. Ringa, ringa. Hollow? is statue?"
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Mary is having the whole house and gardens renovated.
After major construction she is showing the contractor the colors she wants.
"I want the living room a light beige col . . . "
In the middle of the sentence the contractor runs over to the window, throws it open and yells,
"Green up! Green up!" He slams the window and come back. "You were saying?"
Mary continues with the color pallate. "I want the dining roo . . . "
Once again the builder runs to the window, throws it open and yells,
"Green up! Green up!" He slams the window and comes back. "You were saying?"
Mary is getting upset over this behavior, but is too polite to say anything. "In the bedr . . ."
Once again a trip to the window.
"Green up! Green up!" He slams the window and come back. "You were saying?"
By this time Mary had had enough. "What on earth is going on? You keep yelling out the window!"
The contractor apologized and said, "I have a bunch of morons from Landracing.com putting the sod in."
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Oooooh. Bring the sheep jokes baaahhhk.
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You know -- looking again at the Air New Zealand ad -- it looks like they're charging $90 each to take the arm rests out. Now, that's not funny (sorry).
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www.adultsheepfinder.com (http://www.adultsheepfinder.com)
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:cheers:
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Wow, this week I feel like every day is Friday. I hope someone's lawyer doesn't make Slim remove it!
Or the band-width police....................
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It says (I "heard") the next related search is "New Zealand Dating" - what does this mean???
Why is New Zealand like a clitoris?
They are both "down there" and nobody cares.
Seriously, love the downunder guys. No, really!
www.adultsheepfinder.com (http://www.adultsheepfinder.com)
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Now that it`s Friday :roll: .............Thieves stole all of the toilets from a local Police station. A spokesman said no clues were found and the officers have nothing to go on........................ :cheers:
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DO NOT OPEN THE SHEEPFINDER. I clicked on it and it would not open. Suddenly I was dealing with a virus called Troj/Sirefef-1. I think I was lucky enough to stop the virus before it trashed the system.
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I`m only slightly concerned that you looked........................................
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Slightly????
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Two DNA are walking together when one turns and asks " Do these genes make me look fat ?" :roll:
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In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director was in urgent need of looking for a replacement.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position..
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink.
He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It's red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
A third glass.
''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of slightly yellow liquid. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father!"
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DO NOT OPEN THE SHEEPFINDER. I clicked on it and it would not open. Suddenly I was dealing with a virus called Troj/Sirefef-1. I think I was lucky enough to stop the virus before it trashed the system.
I opened it on the MAC without issue. It just seems to be the gateway to a bunch of other NZ sites. If you're using a PC it might be worth avoiding.
Pete
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Two Newfie’s are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
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A dog was laying on the shoulder of the road, giving birth ,when a cop cited her for littering...................... :wink:
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!"St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
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The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
GOVERNMENT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife sometimes.
GOVERNMENT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one. Where is he?
RANCHER: That would be me!
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Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.......
'From all of us at the Fire Station - We'll never forget you.' "
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When an astronaut dies,..Does the family run an orbituary ? :cheers:
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Pre-turkey day bonus...............This little green spaceman told me he was from a Dog star..I said " You can`t be Sirius" :wink:
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Some of you young 'ens may not understand this one......
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
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When an astronaut dies,..Does the family run an orbituary ? :cheers:
Yes, and the band plays "Lunartic Fringe". :cheers:
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The old Indian walks into the bar carrying a dead cat and a bag of dog poop.
The bartender looks and wonders what the . . .
The old Indian asks for a whisky.
The bartender sets down a glass of whisky.
The old Indian throws back the whisky, takes a huge bite out of the dead cat, and then pulls out a gun and starts shooting the bag.
The bartender yells "What the hell are you doing?"
The old Indian says, "Me want to be like white man."
"Drink Whisky. Eat pussy. Shoot the sh*t."
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After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen....but it will get better... :cry:
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What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede ?? Bacon and legs.... :cheers:
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A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day. And then 2 days. And then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said.....
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
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A guy goes to the doctor and tells him he can`t keep his hands from shaking. The doc. asks if he drinks much. The guys says " No, I spill most of it ...." :cheers:....?
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Went mushroom hunting yesterday and didn`t find any. So I came back the same way I left, No Morels :cry:
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Jerry -
Are you sure you didn't come back with some sort of mushrooms?
Michigan morels might mushroom in May, but anything available this time of year would scare the Shiitake out of me.
Okay, I'll button it.
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The mushroom concept is how they operate at work.
They keep you in the dark, and feed you s**t.
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A snail hanging around the Salt Flats was always unhappy as he witnessed speed but was so slow. One day he crawled upon a dropped lotto ticket and sure enough, it was a winner. He crawled to the local car dealer with his winnings and spied a nice 300ZX. He said he'd take it but would like a large "S" painted on the sides. The salesman asked don't you mean a Z? The snail replied, No, when I go by people I want them to say "Look at that S Car Go!"
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Jerry -
Are you sure you didn't come back with some sort of mushrooms?
Michigan morels might mushroom in May, but anything available this time of year would scare the Shiitake out of me.
Okay, I'll button it.
Gosh Chris,..Where did all that hostility stem from??? :cheers:
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A bartender was arrested for taking liquor home with him..........He`s been charged with..Emboozlement :cheers:
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:-o Bbbaaaarrump !!!!!! (rim shot)
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Okay now for something funny... it IS friday, right? Even for Professor, er... umm 'scuse me Dr. Goggles?
Okay here goes:
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along
the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer
said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place. "The grass is almost a foot high.
Hey, whadya' think? Pretty good huh?
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:-o Bbbaaaarrump !!!!!! (rim shot)
T.O.C.....www.instantrimshot.com :cheers:
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:-D Thanks floydjer, my drum was outa tune enywho! lol
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Subject: A Christmas Story
An elderly couple had been Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, when suddenly, the wife realized that her husband was not with her.
Somewhat irate, she called her mate’s cell phone: “Where the hell are you?”
Husband: “Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, ‘Baby it'll be yours one day’?”.
Wife, with a smile and a tear in her eye: “Yes, I remember that, my Love”.
Husband: “I'm in the bar next to that shop.”
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A murder victim was found under a pile of hand painted figurines in a Japanese rice paddy. Police have no suspects in the Knick-Knack Paddy whack............................. :cheers:
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A murder victim was found under a pile of hand painted figurines in a Japanese rice paddy. Police have no suspects in the Knick-Knack Paddy whack............................. :cheers:
In a similar development, Polish officials found a former Olympic ski jumper shot to death under a large pile of Hummels. There are no leads in the chotchkie shotski murder.
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What do you get when you cross a bullet with a tree that has no leaves ??...A cartridge in a bare tree.......... :roll:
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What do you get when you cross a bullet with a tree that has no leaves ??...A cartridge in a bare tree.......... :roll:
I asked Jerry about that spool of cat5 that runs to the top of his tree - He says it's for calling birds . . .
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What do you get when you cross a bullet with a tree that has no leaves ??...A cartridge in a bare tree.......... :roll:
I asked Jerry about that spool of cat5 that runs to the top of his tree - He says it's for calling birds . . .
:?
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A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says "What`ll you have' ?..The seal says " Anything except a Canadian Club"... :cheers:
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Didn`t like that one? How about this..............What`s the difference between a Knight and a reindeer? The Knight slays dragons , And the reindeer is draggin` a sleigh.
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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
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Didn`t like that one? How about this..............What`s the difference between a Knight and a reindeer? The Knight slays dragons , And the reindeer is draggin` a sleigh.
Or perhaps a knight slaying a reindeer -
(http://i361.photobucket.com/albums/oo58/milwaukeemidget/Goldiesgrilledvenison.jpg)
http://www.austinworks.com/minutes.html
Okay, he's wasn't a knight, but he was bestowed the O.B.E., and he IS a member of the 200 mph club.
Mmmmm . . . grilled venison.
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"grilled venison" -- very good!
Also makes for a light meal.
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Ha ha "light meal" wach out for the glass bits. :cheers: :cheers:
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Ha ha "light meal" wach out for the glass bits. :cheers: :cheers:
Ol` Stan is always good for a bumper crop of puns............................... :roll:
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THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA
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Jimmy, That was too good for this thread/day................. :cheers:
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Hey, I checked. It's already Friday In Australia, okay?
Besides they need this so I thought I'd better get it out NOW.
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up"
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:-o That stuff is almost to true to be funny,,,,but it shoer is!
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Old Blind Cowboy Joke
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress; 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters;
'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Happy FRIDAY.>>>>What did the boy melon say to the girl melon ??? .." Sorry Honeydew, I cantaloupe" :cheers: :cheers:
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Subject: Just sayin
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg plan.
And as a bonus...
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41
miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American!
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Jack,,, I am going to use your 401 Keg line,,
very cool for my line of work ....
LOL
Oh see you in Ohio ?
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Engine still disassembled but hope to have some dyno/development done and make it. Currently Udo says no for April, maybe June or July with the Bugeye and then both of us at the salt if the creek don't rise.
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Good luck to both of you.
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There is for sure one and possibly 2 folks here who could qualify for your C motor door slammer challenge. Have sent them the link for this thread but have heard nothing. Will see if can promote them to come. Could be good addition>
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Interesting that the "C Motor Challenge" has moved to the "Stupid Joke" thread. :mrgreen:
Mike
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Yes, Quit cluttering my joke thread will all that serious stuff................... :evil: :cheers:
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Could be apropos.
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how to get 0% on an exam
Personally, I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* sleep at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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Had to share this one.
Old Bonneville racer in a nursing home....
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Eh-Hem....................Since it`s FRIDAY, Did you hear about the chicken that couldn`t find her eggs ?? She mis-layed them.. :cheers:
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Thank you Jerry, finally somebody has put this derailed thread back on the track to insanity :-D
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Why wouldn`t the lobster share his toys ?..........Because he was shellfish.. :cheers:
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Those who forget the pasta are doomed to re-heat it. :cheers:
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A woman waited at the door to take a trip in the car with her hubby had her arms full of coats and four little children at her side.
The Stud, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.
As she handed him the coats she said:
"This time you put the kid's coats on 'em and I'll go honk the horn."
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What would you call a robot that always takes the long route ? R2 Detour.................... :cheers:
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Did the person who invented bug spray start from scratch ???................... :cheers:
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Did the person who invented bug spray start from scratch ???................... :cheers:
laughin here :cheers:
I went to an expensive shoe shop, the guy looked surprised, maybe he thought I wasn't well heeled, but to me that was strange because that's why I was there....
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A neutron saunters up to the bar and orders a drink. “How much?” he asks. The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.” The superconductor leaves without any resistance.
An atom walks into a bar, orders a beer, takes one sip and breaks down in tears. The bartender comes over and says, “Hey pal, what’s the matter?” The atom says, “I think I lost an electron.” Bartender says, “Are you sure?” Atom says, “I’m positive.”
Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” The helium doesn’t react.
-
I've got to way, way back to get those. I was going to look them up, but found there was usually a charge.
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Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.
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Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.
Well, as long as this thread has taken a pre-existential philosophy twist -
Fredrich Nietzsche was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "It doesn't really matter."
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The proper elderly English gentleman awoke one morning with an all-too unusual reminder of lost youth and wonderous days. His footman, Jeeves, noticed, and asked: "Shall I inform madam, Sir?"
The old fellow responded "Thank you Jeeves, but just had me my baggy tweeds. I think I'll smuggle this one into town."
-
Eh-hem...................................... :|
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It's not Friday but I couldn't resist
Six Truths in Life
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face ..
I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.
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It's not Friday but I couldn't resist
Six Truths in Life
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face ..
I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.
2 more idiots for company here :roll:
JL222
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How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's
You are a Pervert
-
He,he,he,he, Mr. Pervison here.
-
Chris, you got three of them wrong -- #3 is panes, #4 is purse, and #5 is sax. And you call yourself a musician?
-
Crap, that means I got all 9 wrong. :cheers:
Ron
-
I think I failed,,, but had fun :evil: :evil:
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Wake up, Jerry - it's Friday morning.
Ahh, he's probably out shoveling snow.
Anyway -
During a recent political debate, a journalist asked a candidate, "Have you ever had a sexual relationship with a prostitute?"
The candidate thought for an awkward moment, and then replied, "To the best of my knowledge, no."
This perked up the ears of quite a few folks in the hall, so the journalist pushed the candidate a bit harder - "Sir, to the best of your knowledge?"
After another awkward pause, the candidate finally confessed, "I wish I could be more concise, but it's tough to keep track of the professions all of my ex wives have gone into over the years."
-
Happy FRIDAY, Chris :cheers: Do you know what a cat`s favorite drink on a hot summer day is ??.............Miced tea :cheers: :cheers:
-
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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What are the two fastest fish ????... The Motor Pike and Side Carp :cheers: R.I P. Willie
-
The difference between A$$ Kissing and Brown Nosing. (SEE BELOW)
DEPTH PERCEPTION :-D
Ron
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
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www.conjunctivitus.com - now there's a site for sore eyes
Robin
-
Only interesting in that they spelled it wrong. :cheers:
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Jerry was working out at the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing across the room.
He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked at the girl, and then looked at Jerry and said,
"Try the ATM in the lobby."
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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt form his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Wow, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
[Don't make me come 'splain this to you -- read the last line again, slowly -- out loud.]
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A small zoo in Capon Bridge, West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Elmer Lee Spitler, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Elmer Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Elmer Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Elmer Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Elmer Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Elmer Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."
Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Elmer Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.
-
Never take a turkey to church..........he may use fowl language :cheers:
-
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic . . . "Try doing it with the engine running."
-
Back on topic...Eh-hem............If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself, Is that a hostage crisis ? :cheers:
-
Back on topic...Eh-hem............If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself, Is that a hostage crisis ? :cheers:
If you asked me, I'd say it's open to debate. But if you asked me, I'd say definitely.
-
:-D :-D :cheers:
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Know why there are so many Smith`s in the phone book???...Because they all have phones... :cheers:
-
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." :cheers:
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Where do you get Virgin wool ??..........Ugly sheep................. :evil:
-
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of an airplane?
Meee!
-
What did Spock find in the bathroom of the starship Enterprise?
The captains log.
-
What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
Board.
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THAT,,^^^^^^^^^^ Is how this thread works.. BRAVO !!!!! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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THAT,,^^^^^^^^^^ Is how this thread works.. BRAVO !!!!! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Got it - Steven Wright appearing on the Gong Show.
-
what do you get if you light a match under a duck`s tail????...Fire quacker... :cheers:
-
How do cows do math?
They use a COWculator.
-
The New England Journal of Medicine just announced the results of their latest study....
towels are the leading cause of dry skin.
-
What is the best time of day to make a dentist appointment?
At tooth hurty!
-
Red Green RULES!!!!
Rex
Rex - for you -
http://videos2view.net/more-power.htm
-
What is a dentists favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste....
-
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." :-o
-
What do the Minnesota Vikings and a stolen car have in common? No title.
-
I had to quit my part-time job at H&R Block. It was too taxing. :cheers:
-
Did you hear the police were called to the laundromat?
Two shirts were being held up by three clothes pins.
-
What kind of vehicle did Mickey Mouse get for his wife?
A Minnie Cooper, Minnie van or moustang....(take your pick).
-
What is the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.
That's all folks!
-
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” :evil:
-
What do you call a fish with two legs?...................a two-knee fish.. :cheers:
-
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".
This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" – not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
"Loons and Moons" - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the Doc's finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it! :cheers:
-
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers???....The outside. (just staying on topic.....) :cheers:
-
Do you know why the Chinese people will not use the phone book?
There are so many Wings and so many Wongs they are afraid they might wing the wong number!!
-
What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?
Hey, ketch-up!
-
Some Unanswered Questions:
If 4 out of 5 people? SUFFER? from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells?
"THEIRS"?
-
When it's time to clean your hair - use REAL poo and avoid that imitation stuff called sham-poo.
-
When it's time to clean your hair - use REAL poo and avoid that imitation stuff called sham-poo.
Oooh - then U2 plays shamrock!
-
whitch is closer to new york or by bus dumbn enough?
-
OK,
Do you like it better here, or in the summer?
Do you walk to work or carry your lunch?
-
i'm always amazed that the water comes right up to the shore!
-
It's never been more like this than it is right now.
-
This thread ain't what it used to be - never was . . .
-
I feel more like I do now than when I got here.
-
Back on topic>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.Why do cowboys ride horses??? ...Because they are too heavy to carry :cheers:
-
I am reading a book about anti-gravity.....
It's impossible to put down.
-
The newspaper in Wendover reported about a hole in the wall at the nudist colony....
the police are looking into it.
-
When William joined the army, he was very uncomfortable with the phrase "fire at will".
-
Ron Popeil just introduced a new type of broom.......it is sweeping the nation!
-
You'd think the Secret Service would know how to be serviced secretly :?
-
That's a good one, Rckt, and timely, of course.
-
I'm still laughing over that one!
-
I promise this is the last one for today....
Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?
Because he couldn't resistor!
-
Freud joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Freud replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Freud continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Freud replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Freud around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Freud rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Freud says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Freud replies: "Listen lady, I am 83 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
-
good one, i think?
-
Did he leave on his motorcycle? :-o
-
Two fish are in a tank, one fish turns to the other and asks........... " Do you know how to drive this thing " ?? :cheers:
-
Did you know that the manure spreader made by John Deere is the only piece of equipment the company
will not stand behind?
-
Be careful of running behind a car....
you'll get exhausted!
Be careful of running in front of a car....
you'll get tired!
-
A pencil could be made with an eraser at both ends.....
but what would be the point?
-
What does a dentist call and x-ray?
A tooth pic.
-
Boobs without nipples would be pointless!
-
A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.
Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No,"she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
-
You guys can start with out me..... :? I had a pet chicken that was so mean,...It layed deviled eggs. :cheers:
-
Are you sure it wasn't possessed? :evil:
Mike
-
They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as you would by running 8 miles!
What I want to know is who the hell can run 8 miles in 30 seconds? :?
-
If you buy stuff online, check out the seller carefully.
Be careful what you purchase on e-Bay.
A friend spent $75 on a "manly" enlarger.
B*st*rds sent him a magnifying glass.
Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight!" :-(
-
Did you hear what happened when the school teacher tied all the students shoe laces together?
They took a class trip!
-
Do you know why ants are so confused?
All their uncles are ants!
-
Yikes! I almost forgot....
Today is Star Wars appreciation day,
May the 4th be with you!!
-
:-o What did Michael Jackson like about 26 year olds ???? There were 20 of them !
-
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" Tony
-
Yikes! I almost forgot....
Today is Star Wars appreciation day,
May the 4th be with you!!
Monte, its good to see you finally have something to do every Friday :-D
-
Stainless,
This thread makes me smile. I decided to make a stupid joke Friday here at work and read the jokes to
the people I work with. They groan pretty loudly but every Friday ask me to update them with new jokes.
I have been threatening to post some pictures of the USFRA club car on here in the build diary. We are
coming along nicely. The body and chassis are painted and we are ready to install the engine and
transmission.
Monte.
-
I saw a dentist and a manicurist get into a brawl......They fought tooth and nail. :cheers:
-
My wife locked me in the closet for telling stupid jokes....I said " Oh, Pun the door" :wink:
-
I am going to get myself a second job at a local bakery....
I knead the dough!
-
The recent earthquake in Washington D.C. was obviously the government's fault.
-
The recent earthquake in Washington D.C. was obviously the government's fault.
No, Bush's fault.
-
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his famous ride?
Whoa!
-
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years." :-o
-
(http://i361.photobucket.com/albums/oo58/milwaukeemidget/DSCN4653.jpg)
Dinomometer.
-
Chris, are you using a T-Rectal sphincter probe on that bad boy? :-D
-
My cat fell asleep on the scanner.................Now I have a copy-cat. :cheers:( Chris, Set the alarm for that one ??) :evil:
-
Chris, are you using a T-Rectal sphincter probe on that bad boy? :-D
Chris, Set the alarm for that one ?? :evil:
A long day, Jerry. I'm doing the audio install at the Milwaukee County Zoo for the animated Dinosaur exhibit. I think the conversation went like this -
Zookeeper 1 - "Who do we know that can wire a dinosaur for sound?"
Zookeeper 2 - "Chris owns a couple of M.G.'s"
Zookeeper 1 - "Yeah, but we want them to work. He'll bring all that Lucas NOS crap, and we know where that will lead"
Zookeeper 2 - "Extinction? That would keep it authentic. Besides, he's old enough to remember how they're supposed to sound."
Finishing the job this afternoon. 75 degrees, sunny, warm, out of the shop, making dino noises at the zoo.
-
Did you hear about the mouse that kicked the elephants butt?
The giraffe put him up to it.
-
I took the cat off the scanner...she`s in the gas range now. I`m hoping to end up with a self-cleaning oven...........................www.instantrimshot.com
-
Why do retired people like to go to Egypt on vacation?
Because it's the senile thing to do!
-
Not good enough, Monte. Try another one.
-
Our state gov't is about to switch over to a 36hr workweek.
I'm not sure the state employees are going like that much.
The existing system is much better; working only when their boss is looking ...
(stolen from Will Rogers)
-
Ok Slim, I'll try again.
On their first visit to the big city a hillbilly family steps into nicest hotel in town. While standing in the lobby taking in all there is to see, the mother and daughter run off the visit the fancy stores. The father and son stand in amazement looking at the elevators. A rather large woman in her 50's gets into
the elevator, the door closes and the men watch the numbers change...1, 2, 3, 4, 5. A few moments later the numbers start changing the other way...5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The door opens and out steps a beautiful young lady very smartly dressed. The father turns to the son and says "boy, go get your mother".
Hope that was better.
-
Monte, I didn't know there were any stores in Wendover that have a five-story elevator. Or maybe you're talking about something in an even-bigger city. . .
-
If I remember correctly that happened somewhere in northern Michigan.....or southern Utah!
-
Do you know the definition of a will??......C`mon...It`s a dead give away. :cheers:.....Happy Memorial Day everyone. Jerry & Patti Berry
-
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
"Where were you last night?"
"I was at the library."
*robot slaps son*
"OK, I was at a friend s house."
"Doing what?" asked the father. Son: "Watching a movie. Toy Story."
*robot slaps son*
"OK, it was porn!" cried the son.
Father yells, "What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was."
*robot slaps the father*
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son."
*robot slaps the mother*
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The lovely Bianca thought I should participate on Fridays, so she along the following:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
:cheers:
Mike
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At breakfast this morning I told the waitress my coffeee tasted like mud....She said " Well, It is fresh ground....................." :roll:
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Teacher" "Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and I stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: "Brotherly love"?
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The patient asks the doctor, "What are the chances of my recovering?" The doctor replies, "That's the good news, medical records show that one in ten people with your condition survive. You are the tenth patient I have treated. The other nine died."
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Do you know why they won't let Wal Mart into Afganistan?
Because everything there is a target.
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Thr Irish must be wealthy people................Their capital is always Dublin................ :wink:
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Well, here goes....
A bus stops at a bus station, a train stops at a train station.... at my desk I have a work station.
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Apple just introduced a new app for pirates....the i-patch.
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You`re getting the hang of it , Monte... :cheers:
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An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow. They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it is snowing, but his wife is convinced that it's raining. Finally, they see General Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute. The general says it's definitely rain. The man doesn't believe him. Sighing, his wife tells him, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey!
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What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
Pick a cod, any cod :-D
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Floydjer,
I've got a long way to go to catch up with you. I get a laugh out of this thread and so do my co-workers.
Monte.
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Monte,
Even though we love you . . . .check your meds!
Respectfully . . .
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A Cyclops started a school, He had to close it because......................he only ...had....one....pupil. :cheers:
-
Sorry I'm late today....
Did you hear about the archeologists in Africa that just discovered the fossil remains of a three legged
dinosaur?
It's the first documented case of a reptile disfunction!
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My dog is a terrible dancer....She has two left feet..................... :-)
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And I want all of you fathers out there to go to the beach on father`s day....After all, It is ....sun day :cheers:
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The police arrested two teenagers yesterday...one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged the first one and let the other one off!
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A baboom!
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I broke my left index finger ...But on the other hand, I`m fine. :roll:
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:-)
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
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Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use a honeycomb.
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What did the bird say when it flew over Wal Mart?
Cheap, cheap, cheap.
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:-)
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
My wife does.......mine......on the shelf.......in a jar :-o
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Hey, that's special. The doctor didn't let me keep mine when I had the surgery.
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Who said anything about surgery :-o
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All this reality is bringin` me down......On with the jokes :cheers:
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Hey, that's special. The doctor didn't let me keep mine when I had the surgery.
Jon, Last time I talked to Nancy she had them in her purse...... you might check :-D
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Is it still friday over there?? :-D
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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I thought I was dreaming in color...but it was just a pigment of my imagination.................................Hey, Does the name Pavlov ring a bell ?? :cheers:
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Friday already?
Innkeeper: The room is $45 a night. It's $40 if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good... I'll get you the Ikea flat pack.
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For all those of you who are avidly following news about the on-going crisis with the Euro - :-D - , I thought you'd appreciate this very clear graphical explanation. As you'll see, even though we Brits were sensible enough to stick with the jolly old pound and avoid the car crash that is the single currency, it affects us a well. I'm guessing that a little of the guano has made it over the pond as well :wink:
Robin
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I would have understood economics much better if the teachers had used "flow" charts more like that one. The nearest thing I was told was by a site manager on a new project. "Sweetheart, there ain't but two things you need to know about construction - money talks and s*** goes downhill."
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There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who know how to count and those who don't know how to count.
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There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't.
If you get this your a nerd although you will most likely deny it; sorry.
jon
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A man entered a local newspapers pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately… no pun in ten did.
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That was more like two thirds of a pun.......PU.
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I thought it was funny :?
A man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my young son has swallowed a condom!
Two minutes later, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
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I was just trying to be funny, not rude. :-P
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I know that! :cheers:
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Even though it is not Friday.....
If your plan is to have a fifth on the forth, you might not be able to fourth on the fifth!!
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Ugh! I think I said that bass akwards.
If you plan to have a fifth on the fourth, you may not be able to go forth on the fifth!
I had to change it before SSS corrected me. :|
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Ok so it's not Friday...I'm off and it seems like Friday...
Conversation in Heaven.......
SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.
WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA:
I froze to death.
WANDA:
How horrible!
SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad.
After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watch ing TV.
SYLVIA:
So, what happened?
WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.
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Since today is friday.............................. :roll: There was a tap on my door this morning. I think my plumber has an odd sense of humor . :cheers:
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Since today is friday.............................. :roll: There was a tap on my door this morning. I think my plumber has an odd sense of humor . :cheers:
Maybe it wasn't your plumber, maybe it was Edgar Allen Poe: "As I nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping; tap, tap, tapping at my chamber door..." 8-)
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
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What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
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Know why Pirates go to the Caribbean? for some arrrrrrr and arrrrrr :cheers:
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Have you ever noticed that in many ways, women are like the various continents of the world? For instance:
Before age fifteen a woman is like Antarctica -- unknown and unexplored.
From 15 to her late 20s a woman is like Africa - hot, exotic, and exciting.
From the late 20s through her 40s a woman is like America - well-known and free with her resources.
In her 40s through later 50s women are similar to Europe -- becoming worn, but not without interesting features.
And once she's turned 60 or so, a woman is like Australia -- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody really cares.
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And once she's turned 60 or so, a woman is like Australia -- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody really cares.
Are we talking about the bush, or the outback?
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And once she's turned 60 or so, a woman is like Australia -- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody really cares.
Are we talking about the bush, or the outback?
Now that was witty.
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Ok....here is my lame attempt for today.
Why did the bald man cut a hole in the pocket of his pants?
So he could run his fingers through his hair!
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Confucius say, "man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day".
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And once she's turned 60 or so, a woman is like Australia -- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody really cares.
I think we must be talking specifically abou the state of Tasmania here? For those of you who need a map to find it, here it is: :cheers:
(http://i1177.photobucket.com/albums/x347/pandoras_bits/840ce9fa.jpg)
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Six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy............................ :cheers:
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Six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy............................ :cheers:
Jerry, cut the little guys a break - think about their circumstances! If you had a Ph.D. and the only job you could find was working in a mine, or had a constant sinus infection, or narcolepsy, or a social interaction disorder, you wouldn't be Happy, either.
Unless you're Dopey.
Sorry, Jerry, I’m just a bit Grumpy this morning.
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What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you!
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Chris, Mrs Floydjer is verticly challenged...5 feet even. Or as I like to say..." Five feet nothing" have to go....Feeling a little .......sleepy
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The scientific community had a vote to decide which theory would replace continental drift.
Plate tectonics won by a land slide!
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Still can't find Tasmania 8-)
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Still can't find Tasmania 8-)
Just keep poking around - you'll find it. :wink:
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I just got these from Ron -- and I sure hope they post okay. Sorry the type is so small -- not much I can do about it - these ended up being screen shots and I don't know how to enlarge 'em. Map first, then the question/answers:
(http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii147/SeldomSeenSlim/Screenshot2012-07-20at81534PM.png)
(http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii147/SeldomSeenSlim/Screenshot2012-07-20at81609PM.png)
(http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii147/SeldomSeenSlim/Screenshot2012-07-20at81622PM.png)
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I want to visit Australia more all the time. 8-) Wayno
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that map is missing the bit in the middle were the baby eating dingoes are
G
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I want to visit Australia more all the time. 8-) Wayno
An apt comment on page '69' of the thread... :cheers:
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We are still talking about Tassie aren't we...lol :-D
Edit: OMG... that's post 69 for me as well :cheers:
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I want to visit Australia more all the time. 8-) Wayno
An apt comment on page '69' of the thread... :cheers:
An excellent adventure, this page.
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I want to visit Australia more all the time. 8-) Wayno
I'm pretty sure you'd enjoy going "down under" Wayno.
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Along that line- You know what an "Australian Kiss" is don't you?
Like a "French Kiss" but way down under. :-)
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What's an Australians idea of foreplay?
Honey, are you awake?
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Chris, Mrs Floydjer is verticly challenged...5 feet even. Or as I like to say..." Five feet nothing" have to go....Feeling a little .......sleepy
Hey! You watch yourself! I'm 4 foot 23 inches and don't care for anybody making short jokes!!!
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Hey! You watch yourself! I'm 4 foot 23 inches and don't care for anybody making short jokes!!!
Here is a very short joke:
Dwarf shortage!
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Do you know why sun tanning will never become an Olympic sport?
The best one can hope for is bronze.
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His name was Bubba,He was from Mississippi... and he needed a loan,So...he walked in to a bankin New York city and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Parris for a Redneck festival for two weeks and needed to barrow $5000.00 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan,So the redneck handed over the keys to his new Ferrari,the car is parked on the street in from of the bank.The red neck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreeded to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later the banks president and it's officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the redneck from the south for usinga $250,000.00 Ferrari as collateral for a $5000.00 loan. An employee of the bank drove the Farrari into the banks private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later the redneck returned repaied the loan and the interist of $23.07 . The loan officer said ,Sir we are little puzzled, while you were gone we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found out that you are a distinguished Alumni from Old Miss University , a highly sophisticated investor and a Muliti-Millionaire what puzzles us is why would you barrow $5000.00.
The good 'ole boy replied "Where in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return!!!!!!!!
His name was Bubba, :cheers:
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The Indian chief was talking to his son.
It is true, your older brother Running Bear was named on the morning he was born when the elders saw a running bear.
Your older sister was named Falling Water when it rained the morning she was born.
Why do you ask Two Dogs F*^%king?
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It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He walked several miles to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes, a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The same way we verify every year. The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
-
Loved those last three!
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Sorry I`m late...Mrs Floydjer stayed home today, And well....You`ve seen her.....Anyway................Did Columbus pay for his trip to America with his Discover Card???.. :cheers:
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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his “Manhood” in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his “Manhood” in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find his “Manhood”, completely intact.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
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Sorry for the hijack guys, I couldn't find the supportive spouses thread so I decided to post it here...
The wife left a note on the fridge “It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mom’s."
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.
Not sure what she was talking about!
Back to working on the car for Speedweek
:cheers:
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So, the other eveing I am working out in the shop and hear the neighbors arguing.
She is mad at Pat, yelling "get out, I want you to leave"!!
I hear Pat reply that he is just getting his things and is leaving.
On his way out the door, I hear the "I hope you die a slow painful death" wish from her.
Then, I hear Pat, "What, now you want me to stay??" "make up your mind!"
I do so love hearing the neighbors.
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I heard on this morning`s news that a dwarf had his pocket picked. How could someone stoop so low?............... :cheers:
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!
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For all of you that aren't quite ready for race season, think about this for next year.....
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
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The Olympic competition for track & field only had two competitors.
The Russian and the American.
The American was first, the Russian was second.
Headline in America: "America Wins!"
Headline in Russia" "Russia Second! America Next To Last!"
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Brezhnev and Reagan were in Russia holding peace talks.
During a break in the activity they got into a pissing contest over who held the most power.
They happened to be standing on the edge of a steep, long slope.
Brezhnev said his secret service agents would do anything for him. Reagan said the same thing.
Brezhnev ordered his secret service agent to jump down the hill. At the bottom someone asked the bruised and cut up agent why he did it.
"Because I have family." he answered.
Someone asked Reagan's secret service agent, who was still at the top of the hill, having refused to jump, why he didn't jump. "Because I have family." he answered.
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
- “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: - “An ambulance just drove by!”
- “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
- “Matt’s riding a new bike!”
- “Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
- “Jason is on his skate board!”
- After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are screwing!!”
Startled, his mom and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re screwing?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
:cheers:
Mike
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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you sons of b!tches
who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And
all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get your asses on the
train...cause we're going down the tracks.'
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are
to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say...'All passengers , please remember your things, thank you and hope your
trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'
She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b!tch in the kitchen.'
:evil:
Mike
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A man was out raking leaves when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse, behind the second hearse there was a solitary man walking solemnly with a dog on a leash... Behind were 200 men walking in single file.
The bystander couldn’t contain his curiosity, and he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I’m sorry for your loss, and I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this one. Whose funeral is it?
The man walking with the dog replied, “The first hearse is for my Wife.”
“What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
The onlooker enquired further, “And who's in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law… She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
The onlooker then asked, "Would it be possible to borrow your dog?"
The man replied, "You will have to get in line."
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Let`s see If I can steer this back on topic.........................Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, But dish detergent is made with real lemon juice ?? :cheers:
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Why are they called " apartments" when they`re stuck together ????
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When everything is coming your way....you're in the wrong lane.
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I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it...
:cheers:
Mike
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No more jokes about fish.............some of you don`t catch them. :cheers:
-
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it...
:cheers:
Mike
No more jokes about fish.............some of you don`t catch them. :cheers:
And you can't wrap fish in an I-pad.
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What did the buffalo say to his boy when he left home to go to college?
Bison!
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Do you know the difference between a businessman and a dog ?.... The biz -man wears a suit, The dog just pants. :cheers:
-
Jerry . . .
Jerry . . .
Wake up, Jerry.
It's Friday morning.
Helloooooooo . . .
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Chris...Your post blocked mine, I`m here
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O.K then...Hey Monte...What`s it called when you lend money to a Bison?.....A Buffa-loan... :cheers:
-
Maybe I should have left well enough a loan.
Good Morning, Jerry!
-
Did you hear about the cat that ate some cheese and then waited for the mouse with baited breath.
I laughed about the buffa-loan!
-
What do you get if you cross an electric eel with a sponge?
A shock absorber!
-
Ipads don't work very well in the bottom of the bird cage.
Doug in Big Ditch
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Last night I had Rodeo sex :-D You know, I mounted her from the rear, grabbed her hair and told her she was almost as good as her sister and tried to hang on :evil:
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An aunt of my dad's used to claim that her preference for a brassiere was the style they called a "rodeo" bra. You know, she'd say -- one that rounds 'em up and heads 'em out.
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Last night I had Rodeo sex :-D You know, I mounted her from the rear, grabbed her hair and told her she was almost as good as her sister and tried to hang on :evil:
I told that joke at a party the other night and Mrs. Floydjer looked at me like I asked to have a 3-way with her mother. Well, Not quite like that time............................... :evil:
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The following is a true story, and not even the names have been changed to protect the innocent...
Going to my dentist's office for a cleaning one day, I was sitting in the chair, and chatting with the hygienist. She tells me she'd told a joke offended the doctor. "Oh, do tell!" I said.
I guess the good Dr. Yong didn't like the answer to the question: how do you blind an Asian?
No, she didn't like it a bit.
But, I liked the answer....
Put a windshield in front of 'em. :cheers:
When Dr. Yong came in, I was sure to ask, "Hi Doc... so, how do you blind an Asian person?"
"That's not funny, Bill!"
"Oh, heck yes it is," I said.
Luckily, she knows I'm pretty damned fond of her, (and knew I'd been married to a Chinese woman forever and a day). Otherwise, that joke would have been a supreme act of courage to tell your dentist before she works on you!
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I thought this was Stupid Joke Friday, not Sick Joke Friday.
-
I agree with Nancy -- that's just sick. Might be funny in some quarters, but let's leave those places to others with less to do than the folks on landracing.com. Lighten up the topics a bit, please.
-
That's not sick, it's racist. Sick would be something like "What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?"
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Jeffrey Dahmer? Wasn't he arrested for illegal use of a vegetable crisper?
Lorena Bobbit (that last name brings a visual) sings "It won't be Long now . . . ."
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:-o
I heard that Duane Bobbik (sp.) is now the head representative for Snap On tools !!!
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Eh-hem....Do I have to show you guys how this is done ????????........." Did the person that invented the door knocker get the no-bell prize' ???? :cheers:
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Eh-hem....Do I have to show you guys how this is done ????????........." Did the person that invented the door knocker get the no-bell prize' ???? :cheers:
That's more like it. :-D
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Thanks Jerry!!! :-D :-D :-D :cheers:
Pete
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Agreed - the whole Dahmer thing was a bit close to home.
About 40 blocks, actually.
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No thanks needed....If there is one thing I am good at, It`s being stupid.......Hey wait a minute... :cheers:
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Which bone will a dog not eat ??...The Trombone........... :cheers:
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bonus...................... What is large , gray and doesn`t matter? An irrelephant :cheers:
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Sorry, My in-box was full this morning. What is Forrest Gump`s e-mail password ??? 1forrest1
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My neighbor says he would kill to get the Nobel Peace Prize.
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What is Forrest Gump`s e-mail password ??? 1forrest1
Please, Jerry -
(http://i361.photobucket.com/albums/oo58/milwaukeemidget/STOP.jpg)
:wink:
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Hey Chris....................A friend of mine died after drinking a gallon of varnish....Terrible ending , But a nice finish :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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OOooo my head..... :|
-
Why do penguins walk softly?....Because they can`t walk, hardly :cheers:
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A resturant in Niagara Falls is offering a new item on their menu.
Honeymoon Salad.....
Lettuce alone with no dressing!
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This will have to he the Cook Shootout Official Joke:
Inspired by a comment from Glen "Ray a slice of water melon works as well " about the fly problem.
It seems there were two old girls sitting on the riverbank eating watermelon one day. On of the girls says "you know, I'm going to slip my panties off to see if it keeps me cool!"
After a while her friend asks: "Does slipping your panties off keep you cooler?"
Well, not. But it DOES keep the flies off the watermelon!"
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Salt rat, that's where the line came from, I remember that story from many years ago with a red neck I worked with. And yes it does work.
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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Get off me. I'm starving."
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Thought I'd put it here - that way you'll see it. :cheers:
Chris
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Thank you MM. My anniversary (20 years) as well.
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Hear about that new movie called " Constipation"? ...No ?...It hasn`t come out yet. :cheers:
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I hear they found Jimmy Hoffa. He was in the yellow pages under concrete.
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Hey Doug ( even if it is saturday)....Jimmy Hoffa has been found...He`s working at a hospital , In the maternity ward................... He organizes labor pains :cheers:
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Where does a bee sit ??....On his bee-hind :cheers:
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I took our new puppy with me to the market. She was laying down in the back seat. I pulled into a parking space and rolled the windows down a little. I got out and told her to STAY. As I walked away I turned around and said STAY again. The lady in a car nearby looked at me and said " Why don't you just put it in park?"
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i saw an alligator wearing a vest.....he must have been an investigator :cheers:
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What is red and smells like blue paint????.....................Red paint. :evil:
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This from my 9 year old grand daughter.
A girl hands her teacher a blank piece of white paper and says it is a picture of a cow eating grass.
The teacher says " I don't see any grass."
"The cow ate all the grass".
The teacher says " I don't see the cow".
"There was no more grass so the cow left".
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If I am what I eat, then I'm cheap, quick and easy!!!
Pete
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What do you get from a pampered cow? spoiled milk Tony
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I quit my job at the recycling company...........They had me crushing cans ,and it was soda pressing.................. :cheers:
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I had an old girlfriend of mine, when visiting someone new, immediately scans their bookshelves for a copy of Canterbury Tales. If she finds it, she throws it at someone and yells "LOOKOUT! FLYING CHAUCER!" Tony
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You guys CAN start without me.................................I`m reading a book about anti-gravity and I can`t put it down. :cheers:
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You guys CAN start without me.................................
We've tried that, but the jokes wound up being funny.
Sooo . . . you first, Jerry! :-o
Ohhhh . . . .
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The propster running his car instead of his mouth :evil:
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Hey Chris.................I`ll be doing a theatrical performance about puns. It`s a play on words.........................
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I was going to tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.
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Conner takes his visiting Scottish cousin to a baseball game. Baseball is new to the Scot, so Conner is explaining the game as it goes. The visiting team's pitcher throws four bad pitches, and the batter tosses his bat toward the dugout and strolls to first. The Scot jumps up and shouts: "Run, man, run!". Conner pulls him down and explains: "No, he gets to walk, he has four balls." The Scot jumps up and shouts: "Walk with pride, man, walk with pride!" Tony
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I was going to tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.
.......Stick with monorail jokes......Those are good one-liners.
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Sometimes I fondly think back on how long it took me to eat a tire. It was a Goodyear
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I can swallow 2 pieces of rope, and when I pass them, they are firmly connected.
I shiit you knot...
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I've heard that Neal Armstrong used to tell really dumb jokes about the Moon. When no one laughed he'd just shrug and say "guess you had to be there"
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From the " Better late than never" department......Where do ghosts buy food?....At the Ghostery Store.... :lol: Why don`t ghosts like going out in the rain??..Because it dampens their spirits.... :wink:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand...How do you fix a broken Jack 0` Lantern??? ..With a pumpkin patch :cheers:
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got diced pumpkin with a meal the other night, I thought "what's the chance of that?"
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got diced pumpkin with a meal the other night, I thought "what's the chance of that?"
All's well; that end's welded.
Back to the shed, Doc . . .
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what do you call a Hooker's fart?
a prostitoot
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What do ghosts drink at a Halloween party?
Ghoul aid...
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cnkcnkcnkcnk....dice, chance... :roll:
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Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing! Tony
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Hijack -
Not a joke.
A group of Trick or Treater's came to the door towards the end of the evening. For the first 1/2 of the night I was wearing a devil mask; so scary looking that some kids would not come to the door until I took it off.
But now I was wearing a different, equally hideous mask (Davey Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean), that wasn't as hot inside.
"Hey Mister, weren't you wearing a devil mask when we came by earlier????" a few of the group exclaimed. Step One - Think. Step Two - Talk.
I blame the school system ...
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Still pretty funny! :roll: :roll: :-D
Pete
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I`ve decided to learn sign language...I think it will come in handy........................ :cheers:
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Post election bonus.........................I had to buy a new colander..The old one couldn`t take the strain
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Why don`t turkeys eat on Thanksgiving Day ?...Because they are already stuffed :cheers:
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The local Catholic church has started using a bus to bring people to services on Sunday.
They are calling it mass transit.
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In honor of huntin' season
What do you call a deer with no eye? No Ideer
What do you call a deer with no eye and no legs? Still no Ideer.
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Decided not to eat the turkey...I`m taking him bowling instead. At least I think that`s what he said he wanted to do..." Go bowl..Go bowl "
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Woke up last night to the ghost of our thanksgiving turky. I think we are haunted by a Poultrygeist.
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Whats the difference between Mick Jager and a Scottish sheep herder?
Mick Jager says "Hay! You! Get off of my cloud!"
The Scottish Sheep herder says "Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"
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I found a new paddle for my canoe and it was even on-sale...................It was quite an oar deal :cheers:
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Whats the difference between Mick Jager and a Scottish sheep herder?
Mick Jager says "Hay! You! Get off of my cloud!"
The Scottish Sheep herder says "Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"
Reminds me of the time that Mick Jagger saw the founder of Playboy magazine having a quiet moment with Dennis Weaver....he sang ........." Hey, Hey Hugh...Get off from McCloud................." :evil:
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There is a store giving away dead batteries...They are free of charge..................... :cheers:
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Hmmm...This thing on?????...................That old woman who lived in a shoe wasn`t the sole owner...There were strings attached. :cheers:
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What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
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There is a new show called Amish Mafia (for real).
First episode:
Found a body in the river tied to an iron plow.
Another was found shot in the head, stuffed up a horse's arse, and set afire.
Then you hear CLOP CLOP CLOP BANG BANG BANG CLOP CLOP CLOP ... Another drive-by shooting.
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What kind of pants do clouds wear?
Thunderpants.
I know my jokes are pretty stupid but you have to remember that I work with the Cub Scouts so that should explain it.
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Arthur was the security guard at Safeway.
He was called to aisle 5 to break up a fight.
There were two men fighting over a dollar bill that was found on the ground.
Arthur tries to reason with them, but to no avail.
So he put each of them in a sleeper hold until they passed out, then called the police.
The headline the next day:
Arty Chokes Two For A Dollar at Safeway
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After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full! :cheers:
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If you are offended easy, do not watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNMq8XS4LhE
Rated PG-13.
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ok?
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Sid.....
A German Shepard, c'mon man, what's happened to you since you moved to the states?
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A dog is truly a man's best friend. Think about this. If you locked your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour, would she lick your face when you let her out?
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If you are offended easy, do not watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNMq8XS4LhE
Rated PG-13.
That's funny right there, I don't care who ya are. I didn't get it until I saw the sheep with the ringing bell, then I fell out of the chair ROFLPIMP
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That little flick is well done from a theatrical standpoint. It is hard to get a plot, etc. in something that short. They had a lot of fun making it, for sure.
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Gotta admit, the tune is catchy and the girlies are cute.
The guy is creepy.
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My Grandson asked me why I don't have an Ipad so I can do instant messaging.
I don't need an Ipad, I just use my middle finger.
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Gotta love military time.
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I ran on the track team in school...Had a terible fear of hurdles. But I got over it. :cheers:
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My favorite on-line origami store has folded...............................................
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A MAN IN A FLORIDA SUPERMARKET TRIES TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.
THE VERY YOUNG PRODUCE ASSISTANT TELLS HIM THAT THEY SELL ONLY WHOLE
HEADS OF LETTUCE.
THE MAN PERSISTS AND ASKS TO SEE THE MANAGER.
THE BOY SAYS HE'LL ASK HIS MANAGER ABOUT IT.
WALKING INTO THE BACK ROOM, THE BOY SAID TO HIS MANAGER,
'SOME ASSHOLE WANTS TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.'
AS HE FINISHED HIS SENTENCE, HE TURNED TO FIND THE MAN
STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM, SO HE ADDED,
'AND THIS GENTLEMAN HAS KINDLY OFFERED TO BUY THE OTHER HALF.'
THE MANAGER APPROVED THE DEAL, AND THE MAN WENT ON HIS WAY.
LATER THE MANAGER SAID TO THE BOY,
'I WAS IMPRESSED WITH THE WAY YOU GOT YOURSELF OUT OF THAT SITUATION
EARLIER. WE LIKE PEOPLE WHO THINK ON THEIR FEET HERE.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?'
' GREENBAY , WISCONSIN , SIR,' THE BOY REPLIED.
'WELL, WHY DID YOU LEAVE GREENBAY ?' THE MANAGER ASKED.
THE BOY SAID, 'SIR, THERE'S NOTHING BUT WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS UP
THERE.'
'REALLY?' SAID THE MANAGER. 'MY WIFE IS FROM GREENBAY .'
'NO SUBARU?' REPLIED THE BOY. 'WHAT POSITION DID SHE PLAY ?'
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I recently learned that 7 days without food, makes one weak!!
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I bought a book about phobias.....I`m afraid it`s not going to help................ :lol:
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WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?'
' GREENBAY , WISCONSIN , SIR,' THE BOY REPLIED.
'WELL, WHY DID YOU LEAVE GREENBAY ?' THE MANAGER ASKED.
THE BOY SAID, 'SIR, THERE'S NOTHING BUT WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS UP
THERE.'
'REALLY?' SAID THE MANAGER. 'MY WIFE IS FROM GREENBAY .'
'NO SUBARU?' REPLIED THE BOY. 'WHAT POSITION DID SHE PLAY ?'
I know one of the whores played 4 the Jets 4 a year . . .
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Two fish are in a tank....One fish says to the other " You drive, I`ll man the guns" :cheers:
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Two birds are sitting on a perch, one says to the other, do you smell fish?
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What do you call epileptic lettuce?
Seizure salad.
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I'm to that point in life where I can remember the firing order of engine I haven't owned for 30 years, but can't remember why I went into the garage.
Not sure that is a joke, but seems fitting.
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I can relate ,I can remember part numbers from 20 years ago,but did I lock that door?
back to the the plot if my aunt had balls would she be my uncle?
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Close - -
It goes like this:
"Balls", said the Queen. "If I had them I'd be King".
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See if you can find the punchline:
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Guess he went down in History..... :roll:
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Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
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Attention joke posters. It's Saturday and this coming Wednesday (the ninth of January) is the first 2013 meeting of the Marquette Range Engineers Club. The Club is an organisation of professional engineers and such types that gathers monthly to see a presentation on something technical, like the new underground nickel mine being set up thirty miles north of Marquette, or the aluminum extrusion firm that's near here, or - this coming meeting - a wind power generation business & farm being set up here. I'm president of the Club, and am re-elected over and over because I always have a few jokes to tell during the meeting. Most of the jokes I've harvested from this site's "humor" topics. Salt Rat's joke (directly above this post) will be a fine one for the group - - but I need two more, please. They should be story jokes (or at least I prefer that type over one-liners) that are sanitisable (in case we've got women at the meeting - although the women engineers are usually well-versed in the somewhat crude language of the engineering and technical world).
There -- that's what I need. Let's see what you can offer up for me. I'll gladly make complete attribution for the originator of each joke I use, althoug I expect that the guys in the Engrs Club don't give a hoot about whom it is from which I got the joke. They just like laughing. And if they laugh -- they'll re-elect me. And that's a big laugh for me since my BA is in "Liberal Arts" - albeit from an engineering university. And the benefits of being President of the Engineers Club include (include? Hey, there's only one benefit) -- I get to go first to the buffet table when it's time to eat. That's why I want good jokes -- 'cause I'm usually pretty hungry and don't care to wait my turn.
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If you use that joke, don't forget to send me a quarter.
I'll owe it to someone . . . .
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A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life.
A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral… I'm a proctologist."
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I just want to be cremated and put into my wife douche, so I can be run through one more time.........
will not be offended if removed from site.......
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I've done a little MC'en myself Jon, here is a good one for that.
A pastor at a local church put an add in the paper for a bell ringer before sunday services.
A man with no arms showed up for the job, bewildered the pastor questioned his ability to do the job with no arms, the man said give me a try you won't be disappointed.
Sunday morning the man went up to the foyer and placed his face over the railing and gave the bell a push, before long the sound of beautiful music rang out across the valley beckoning the parisheners to church.
Just as the congregation gathered filling the church to capacity, the bell ringer got of key and went over the railing and fell to his death.
The pastor cryed out oh, what shall I do, I never event got the mans name, doe's anyone know the unfortunate man?
One of the parisheners walked up and said,
I don't know his name, but his, (face rings a bell). :-D
Several days pass and a man walks in and says that he would like to ring the bells for the deceaced bell ringers funeral.
He told the pastor that the bell ringer was his brother and he learned to ring the bells from him.
The pastor happy to get the oppertunity at hand forgot to get the man, and his brothers name.
At the funeral the air was again filled with the sweet sound of music from the bells.
But as luck would have it the bell ringers brother got of rythem and also went over the hand rail to his death.
The pastor upset realized the forgotten names and again asked if anyone knew the two?
The same man walks up and says I didn't get his name, but he is, (a dead ringer for his brother). :-D
Steve
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None of these belong on the SJF thread.... but just to help you out Jon...
An old engineer is getting his annual physical... the doc gives him a clean bill of health and asks if he has any questions.
The guy says... when I was 20 my Willy was so stiff I couldn't bend it 10 degrees with both hands, when I was 30 I could bend 10 degrees with both hands, when I was 40 I could bend it 30 degrees with both hands, when I was 50 I could bend it 30 degrees with one hand, when I was 60 I could bend it 30 degrees with 2 fingers....
The doc nods his head and the old engineer asks... so doc how much stronger do you think I'm gonna get?
:cheers:
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I'd tell you that I had to explain that one to Nancy -- but that might be an invitation to wondering about her strength or something.
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Ok Jon, here is another story joke.
You can use a variation of young girls that will suit your situation, such as a youg yooper girl, or young french canadian girl, what ever, here in Idaho a young mormon girl fits the jest quite nicely. Pick a man out of the group that is fun and popular, tell everybody
(I bet you didn't know this about Fred, in his younger days he was on the olympic rowing team).
Fred became quite smitten with a beautiful young mormon girl from Brigham Young Univercity.
Unfortunatly so was a young Russian rower, and a young Cuban rower.
The girl loved to sail, so she told the three that they could all four go sailing, and the one who impressed her the most would get a date with her.
While out in the sail boat the Russian reached into his duffel bag and brought out a bottle of vodka, he took one drink and threw the rest of the bottle overboard.
Being from Idaho Fred did not understand the reasoning, and asked why did you do that?
Trying to impress the mormon girl he said, in Russia we have so much of the worlds greatest vodka we just take one drink and throw the rest away.
Fred thought to himself this guy doesn't know how to impress mormon girls.
Then the Cuban reached into his duffel bag and pulled out a Cuban havana cigar, he took one puff and threw the cigar overboard.
Again Fred being from Idaho did not understand, why did you do that Fred asked.
Trying to impress the mormon girl the Cuban replied, in Cuba we have so many fine cigars we just take one puff and throw the rest away.
Fred thought for a second, then grabbed the mormon girl gave her a big kiss, and then threw her overboard. :-D
Steve
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Let me steer this thread back on course..........................That reminds me of the indecisive rower...He couldn`t choose either oar :cheers:
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Not sure everyone will see the humor in this unless you've ridden a motorcycle on hot day in shorts, can you say roasted nuts?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nIoPQFCZJPg
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I`d wager that if a bath towel told jokes, It`s humor would be rather dry :cheers:
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Every time I start thinking about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine. :-D
Ever have Deja Moo? The feeling that you've heard this Bull before.
And finally, in memory of the voice of Dear Abbey who passed this past week...
Dear Abby,
What can I do about the Sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I am a 23 year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for 2 years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enoough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband was fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidnce he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months, I didn't know he drank until he came home sober.
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Grandpa had been hospitalized and was struggling to return to good health.
His family decided to visit him. As they entered the hallway the little granddaughter
ran ahead of the rest of the family and got to Grandpa's room first. She said,
"Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?" Grandpa replied, " why do you ask that?"
The granddaughter answers, "mommy said that when you croak we can all go to
Disneyland."
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I wonder why it took lance Armstrong so long to confess? I guess he didn't have enough balls.
-
Someone asked Bill Clinton, "How is Hillary's head?"
He said, "Well, she's no Monica."
-
That was a good one :-D :cheers:
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My crazy uncle in Red Bluff thought that this thread needs some input, so he sent the following:
Noun
lexophile (plural lexophiles)
1. A lover of words, especially in word games, puzzles, anagrams, palindromes, etc.
Well, here we go!.
To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married . . . They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.
:cheers:
Mike
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Did you hear that the Olympic committee has decided to include origami as a sport in the next summer games???....It will only be seen on ....paper-view
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What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backward??? A receeding hare-line :cheers:
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Two Arabs riding a camel across the desert were clocked at 125 mph.
How is that possible you ask?
Twin turbans!
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The Standing Position to P.ss
Is Not Exclusively H.s
But When Girls Assay
To Do It That Way
They Are More Than Likely To Ms.
Willie Saw Some Dynomite
Could Not Understand It Quite
Curiousity Seldom Pays
It Rained Willie Seven Days.
Old Mother Hubbard ... Ah, we'll skip that one.
Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill
To Have A Little Fun
Silly Jill Forgot Her Pill
And Now They Have A Son.
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Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress
The cupboard was bare
And so was her daughter I guess
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Mary had a little dress
The split went went up the side
When Mary took a step you could see right up her thigh
Mary had another dress
The split was up the front
She didn't wear that very often
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Jon, unh, mmm, the rhythmic structure of that last one is lacking -- but why do I think that it's okay the way it's written? :roll:
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What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the wall......... Ric O'Shea. from the wife, Irish girl,4th grade school teacher....I quit now.....
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"Jon, unh, mmm, the rhythmic structure of that last one is lacking -- but why do I think that it's okay the way it's written?"
My guess is that he thought you'd edit it so he c'unt leave it alone.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter !
Jill came down with two fifty,
Ya think they went up for water ?
Hickory dickory dock'
Two mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The other escaped with insurable injuries.
Hi diddle diddle,
the cat and a fiddle,
the cow jumped over the moon !
Now wasn't that an assanine thing for a creature of the bovine cult to attempt.
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I have a terrible fear of elevators....I even take steps to avoid them. :-)
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Okay, it's Friday in the land of OZ. (I checked).
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father (who was clearly NOT a salt racer)
and working in the family business. When he found out
he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card
and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One . . . Two . . . Three . . ."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square.
He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not - here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him.
He says, "I found you, Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter - You found Pascal!"
-
Did anybody see the original Matrix? Or Pulp Fiction?
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_VrkFhnpVTZk/Swed5Mmeh8I/AAAAAAAAAn4/jpM5U9eQzLQ/s1600/the+matrix.jpg)(http://behance.vo.llnwd.net/profiles24/832885/projects/2783319/aaf845d1edfc0b13a404edf5b7625afa.png)
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Jerry.... Monte.... would one of you please get this thread back on track, it is seriously derailed...
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A women takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250.'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man 'Yes, it is."
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Dont start that s**t again; you're in my closet now.'
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Try this Bob............................I had dinner last night at a Chinese place.....My entree` kept looking at me with one eye. I think it was a Peking Duck. :cheers: The rest of you? Straighten up.
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That's better :-D
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That's better :-D
I`m always available for stupidity......................Hey, wait a minute :cheers:
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I had a joke for today about amnesia...But I forgot how it goes............ :cheers:
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I had dinner at a german-chinese restaurant last night.
10 minutes later I was hungry for power again.
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
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I had a joke for today about amnesia...But I forgot how it goes............ :cheers:
I have to write that joke down....Now where the :evil: did I put my pencil? :-D
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I was going to tell you a story about procrastinating - but I keep putting it off 'til next time.
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I think I don't not think anymore, I think, at least not as little as I think I used to not think, I think.
-
What if the Hokey-Pokey is really what it's all about?
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Hey! No jokes about procrastinating.
I'm on the planning committee for the American Procrastinating Society's 2009 annual meeting.
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I see the Keebler Elves started a band - the Saltines of Swing.
-
I've intended to join Procrastinators Club of America for about 50 years, but never got around to it. :-D :-D
Ron
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http://www.procrastinators.org/oldsite/links.shtml
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-procrastination-equation/201103/the-greatest-procrastinator-in-history-still-alive-puts-dea
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http://www.procrastinators.org/oldsite/links.shtml
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-procrastination-equation/201103/the-greatest-procrastinator-in-history-still-alive-puts-dea
Jon, do I really have to click on these now?
-
I'm planning to visit those later this week... :roll:
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"This is just funny!!!! :-) A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a Longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: a West Texas sheriff's department. After a series of tests and interviews, the chief deputy called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The chief deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call,an attitude sufficiency test. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the deputy said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six congressmen and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant. "You pass," said the chief deputy."When can you start?""
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No wonder that calendar was so cheap....................... :evil:
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Hang on to it! It'll be good in another 6 (or is it 5 or 7) years, unless Leap Year factors in. Screw it -- it'll be good sometime. Check it March 1st. If it's good then, the rest of the year will work.
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Floyd, you can always give that calendar to Kent. He'll make good use of it timing his car.
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I used to be a watchmaker...Great job, Made my own hours............. :cheers:
-
I once knew a Pirate with two wooden legs,
then he caught fire and burned to the ground.
-
That is sad Monte.....did you go out on a limb to help him afterward?? :evil:
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Jerry,
You make me laugh! I tried to think of a clever come back but.....nothing.
Although, I got thinking about the defense that Oscar Pistrious is claiming....
I'm not buying it.
I don't think he has a leg to stand on!
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Things got a little crazy around here getting ready for Valentine's Day and I accidentally swallowed a bottle of red dye.
I went to my doctor who said there was nothing to worry about.
But you know, I feel like I "died" a little inside. :|
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Thank you... this thread is back on track, it's been off the rails on the crazy train the last few weeks.
-
If Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. and Danica Patrick were competing for Rookie of the Year, who do you think would come out on top?
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I once knew a Pirate with two wooden legs,
then he caught fire and burned to the ground.
That is sad Monte.....did you go out on a limb to help him afterward?? :evil:
No, but he did stick up for him. :roll:
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I once knew a Pirate with two wooden legs,
then he caught fire and burned to the ground.
That is sad Monte.....did you go out on a limb to help him afterward?? :evil:
No, but he did stick up for him. :roll:
I`m sure he ..."knee"- ded that................... :cheers: ( yes, I know this is monday.)
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I should....bark... at myself for posting here on the wrong day, But I figured " Why KNOT" ? I`ll be the root of the issue. I`ll leave now. :cheers:
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I meant to post a joke about un-employment.....But it needs work :cheers:
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Hey Monte...If your pirate buddy is looking for work.....I can help him get his foot in the door............................ :evil:At least he`d have a leg up on the others.......He ever work on a farm? I have these two calves...............
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I forgot to mention that his pirate buddies had nicknamed him "Peggy", but now they are not sure
what to call him....I think this incident has them stumped.
-
What do you call a group of giraffes standing in the middle of the road?
A giraffic jamb!
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USFRAMONTE, floydjr, shame on you both.
You're both going out on a limb.
These amputee jokes will never stand on their own.
-
" Harold the Barrel...Cut off his toes and served them up for tea...won`t get far..( ` asn`t got a leg to stand on) Little Genesis for the occasion. :cheers:
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This afternoon my wife ask me to make her feel like a REAL woman, so I pulled off my shirt and pants ,through them on the floor and said wash that!
Rouse
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Hey Bob....How`s this???
-
Jerry? Jerry? Jerry!
It's almost 9:00 AM! Put down that damned snowshovel, get in the house and say something stupid!
:-D
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I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
-
Forgot my glasses
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
Rouse
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Jerry,
You make me laugh! I tried to think of a clever come back but.....nothing.
Although, I got thinking about the defense that Oscar Pistrious is claiming....
I'm not buying it.
I don't think he has a leg to stand on!
You got that right. The guy's a fool. :x
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Yes I know it isn't Friday, but this is an emergency
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next Sh_t could spell disaster.
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Sounds like the lady that backed up into an airplane propeller.
Disaster.
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Stainless,
Sounds like you may be uncomfortable for a spell.
Sorry,
Stan
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OOooooo, not again...... Back on track fella's
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Right!
Let alone you could leave a track in your shorts, you could spell it, too.
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Well it was not as bad as I thought.... the first 2 tiles came out OK
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Well, use your fingers and see if you can play OKLAHOMA!
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I'm concerned about smelling not spelling.
FREUD
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Stainless
If you feel a fart coming on, letter rip!!
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It`s obvious I`m needed here............................Who is bigger, Mr Bigger or Mr. Bigger`s baby??? The baby....She`s a little Bigger :cheers:
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Thanks Jerry.....
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(http://loganleadership.com/wp-content/media/2012/03/sharp-edges-sign.jpg)
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(http://bestdemotivationalposters.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Girl-Scouts.jpg)
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(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7132635136/hAE48CDCF/)
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Dean..............
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It`s obvious I`m needed here............................Who is bigger, Mr Bigger or Mr. Bigger`s baby??? The baby....She`s a little Bigger :cheers:
Thanks Jerry, because it seems I was not out of the woods, I had a little trouble with the my morning poop, there was a little back up, and it took a little too much push... yep... I got piles.... hope that's the last ones :cheers:
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Is that what makes the piles happen? I thought pushing too hard makes hernias. It did for me. . . :roll:
I know, I know -- too much information.
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(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7132635136/hAE48CDCF/)
From one who fights the challenge of ADD I can assure you this t-shirt hits the nail on the head. I enjoyed it. Thanks! :-D :-D :-D
Pete
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Is that what makes the piles happen? I thought pushing too hard makes hernias. It did for me. . . :roll:
I know, I know -- too much information.
Yep, TMI.... I was just reading the little wood tiles... :-D But now I think I've passed this era of my life.... :roll:
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Bob......I`m just happy it all worked out in the end.........................................JB
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I found this neat turbo installation on a welding forum. :-D I know it's not Friday but I couldn't wait.
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Bob......I`m just happy it all worked out in the end.........................................JB
Bit like the mathematician with constipation, he worked it out with a pencil.
jon
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No, no, Jon! I thought it was like the mathematician -- that worked it out with a slide rule. And the pipefitter that worked it out with a 24" pipe wrench. And the logger that worked it out with his Husqvarna chain saw.
Want me to go on? It'll be Friday soon. . . :evil:
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> The Sensuous Wife
> >
> > "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," said her husband.
> >
> > She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
> >
> > "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
> > "Uh, no," he said.
> >
> > She gave him another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
> >
> > "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen $30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
> >
> > "No," he said, now really, really intrigued.
> >
> > "Go look in the garage..."
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Good one. :cheers:
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After searching all over the place for ammo, I finally found and bought several cases at one of our local gun shops.
On the way back to my office I had to stop for gas, and filling up next to me was a beautiful young lady.
She noticed the ammo in the back of my truck and said she loved to barter, and wanted to know if I would trade ammo for sex.
I ask her what ammo did she have.
Rouse
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Better one :-D :-D
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But on the other hand....I have different fingers. :cheers:
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But on the other hand....I have different fingers. :cheers:
That's what she said! :-D
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The husband comes home and while searching for something else, comes across a bunch of golf balls and a pile of cash in his wife's dresser.
When the wife comes home he asks about it.
The wife says, "Some time ago when you cheated on me I decided to cheat on you with your golf buddies."
"So whats with the golf balls?"
"I charge them one golf ball for having sex."
"What's with the pile of cash?"
"Every time I get a dozen golf balls I sell them."
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion.
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boy friend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.
"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long."
And then the fight started . . .
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Good ones Dean!
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During dinner last eve` I chimed in with what I felt was an inspired pun....The bride said " You`re' incorrigible"...I suggested she try not to "incorrige" me then. It`s good to be King.
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When astronauts die...Does the family run an orbituary?? :cheers:
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During dinner last eve` I chimed in with what I felt was an inspired pun....The bride said " You`re' incorrigible"...I suggested she try not to "incorrige" me then. It`s good to be King.
That takes a lot of corrige.
My ex wife once called me 'incorrigible" - I called her a dirigible.
I'm much happier with the new model.
When astronauts die...Does the family run an orbituary?? :cheers:
No, but before they are buried, the coroner needs to check the body for lunarticks.
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Two old duffers were sitting at the bar, drinking, and looking straight ahead. One says:
"Look at those two guys over there on the other side of the bar. If we're not careful we'll look like that in 10 or 15 years."
The other one responds: "That's us, you fool. You're looking at the mirror behind the bar!"
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What do you call a nosey pepper?
Jalapeno business!
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I did hear once that astronauts have sandwiches made with launch meat!
-
How do you get an astronaut baby to sleep? Rocket
What should an astronaut do when he gets dirty? Take a meteor shower
What did the astronaut get when the rocket fell on his foot? Mistletoe
What did the astronaut think of the restaurant on the moon? He thought the food was fine but there wasn't much of an atmosphere
What did the astronaut see on the stove? An unidentified frying object
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar
What do you call an astronaut's watch? A lunar-tick
Where do astronauts keep their sandwiches? In their launch boxes
Why don't astronauts relate well to other people? They are not always down-to-earth
Why do astronauts wear bullet-proof vests? To protect themselves against shooting stars
What happens to astronauts who misbehave? They’re grounded
Did you hear the one about the spaceship? It was out of this world
What do you call a space magician? A flying saucerer
What kind of Star Wars toy can you ride? A Toy-Yoda
When is the moon not hungry? When it is full
How did the rocket lose its job? It was fired
How does the astronaut describe his work? Heavenly
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Hey Monte...I knew an astronaut who failed an experiment in weightlessness....He didn`t understand the gravity of the situation. IT`S GOOD TO BE KING !!!!!!! :cheers:
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You too Dean. King Jer :cheers:
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Jerry,
I gladly bow down to the King of Stupid Joke Friday!!
Most of the people I work with here come to me and say "It's Friday, what is the stupid joke for the day?"
You and the others have provided me with plenty of groaners.
What do you call a bull that has swallowed a bomb?
Abominable!
Thanks all, for making me and my co-workers laugh out loud. Especially King Jerry!!
-
What did P.T. Barnum's critics call him?
The abominable showman.................. :-D
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Abraham Lincoln said:
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.
My dad said:
You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . And that's enough to make a decent living.
-
Reminds me of the kid who ate his homework because his teacher said it was a piece of cake...............
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Hey Dean....Do you know what part of a computer astronauts like best???? The Space bar :cheers:
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Rednecks choking manuver.
A redneck and his girlfriend are having dinner one evening when all of a sudden the redneck's aquentice jumps up and stars gasping for air.
The redneck quickly stands up and realizes she choking on a piece of hamhok.
He starts pounding on her back like a drum and says "you alright?" she shakes her head no.
So then he starts hitting her belly, "how bout now?" he askes.
Her face now red shakes no. "i sure hate to have to do this to you" he says. then he goes behind her and flips up her dress and licks her in the ass crack.
He looks at her and askes her again "you alright?" she shakes her head no and her face is now purple.
The redneck looks at her with defeat and says "Well Im sorry, I guess that dog-gone hinelick manuver don't work after all"
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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
-
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.
He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't" cried the owner, "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
-
Did you hear about the farmer whose dyslexic wife left him?
He found out in John Deere letter.
-
The English Lit. teacher asked the pretty female student to name three plays by Shakespeare.
She replies: "4 inches, 8 inches, and twelve inches."
The teacher ask her to explain that nonsense, to which the girl replies:
"Much ado about nothing",
"As you like it",
and "Midsummer Night's Dream".
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I see that my sweet and innocent joke thread has degraded into a cesspool of filth and disgusting sex jokes. Keep up the good work. :cheers:
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After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.
He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't" cried the owner, "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
The poor guy had been fired more times than Billy Martin. I'd quit, too.
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What do you call the Dead Blonde in the Closet???
Winner of the 1988 Hide and Go Seek Contest!!!! :cheers: :cheers:
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This message isn't text, but the machine won't let me not put something here.
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If I asked all the comedians to leave the thread I'd be the only one here!
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I know, it's not Friday, but this is what happens in Wisconsin when winter hangs on a few weeks longer than it should.
And yes, I know everybody involved in this one, and yes, the DNR has already chewed them out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBqzTc-P7E0
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I know, it's not Friday, but this is what happens in Wisconsin when winter hangs on a few weeks longer than it should.
And yes, I know everybody involved in this one, and yes, the DNR has already chewed them out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBqzTc-P7E0
I know what Jon (SSS) has to be thinking.
"All these shirts and all those deer, hey". :-D
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A bunch of Cheese Heads sacking a deer!. They got the colour right though. That was really funny. Thanks MM. :cheers: I never checked if it had a #4 on it.
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A bunch of Cheese Heads sacking a deer!. They got the colour right though. That was really funny. Thanks MM. :cheers: I never checked if it had a #4 on it.
#4 isn't quite so "dear" anymore. But hey, if everyone who watched this were to do the same and slap a landracing.com T-shirt on Bambi, think of the incredible press the site would get!
The T-shirt is a Rufus King High School shirt.
By the way - everyone in the video DOES NOT DRINK. These people were completely sober when they thought up this weirdness.
And I get to work with them day in and day out . . .
This is why racing a Midget at Bonneville seems like a logical thing to do. I'm a product of a sick and twisted environment.
-
He's a farmer when his favorite saying is:
"The hay is in the barn."
You know you are dealing with a vegetarian when his favorite saying is:
"The root is in the cellar."
FREUD
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A bunch of Cheese Heads sacking a deer!. They got the colour right though. That was really funny. Thanks MM. :cheers: I never checked if it had a #4 on it.
#4 isn't quite so "dear" anymore. But hey, if everyone who watched this were to do the same and slap a landracing.com T-shirt on Bambi, think of the incredible press the site would get!
The T-shirt is a Rufus King High School shirt.
By the way - everyone in the video DOES NOT DRINK. These people were completely sober when they thought up this weirdness.
And I get to work with them day in and day out . . .
This is why racing a Midget at Bonneville seems like a logical thing to do. I'm a product of a sick and twisted environment.
#4.... Rodger that :-D
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Just an update on this one.
Seems the “perps” I work with have taken down the video and have been now officially charged and fined by the DNR.
Probably would have not been a problem had they not posted a video as potentially “viral” as somebody putting a T-shirt on a deer.
This from yesterday’s news –
http://www.todaystmj4.com/multimedia/videos/?bctid=2291937336001
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I`ve decided to be cremated over a traditional funeral....Just thinking outside the box............... :cheers:
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Bonus...Since it`s FRIDAY :wink: I tried a bowl of soup made from baby bear...............It was a little grizzly :cheers:
-
How did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate pizza before it was cool.
-
One time I asked Gandalf to summon the band that sang "I want you to want me."
Gandalf glared at me and said, "Do not take me for some conjurer of Cheap Trick."
-
Just an update on this one.
Seems the “perps” I work with have taken down the video and have been now officially charged and fined by the DNR.
Probably would have not been a problem had they not posted a video as potentially “viral” as somebody putting a T-shirt on a deer.
This from yesterday’s news –
http://www.todaystmj4.com/multimedia/videos/?bctid=2291937336001
Hay Chris, your deer dressing buds made the big time, they'er on MSN-Now, geez the things ya gotta do to get some fame in this world. :-P
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Just an update on this one.
Seems the “perps” I work with have taken down the video and have been now officially charged and fined by the DNR.
Probably would have not been a problem had they not posted a video as potentially “viral” as somebody putting a T-shirt on a deer.
This from yesterday’s news –
http://www.todaystmj4.com/multimedia/videos/?bctid=2291937336001
Hay Chris, your deer dressing buds made the big time, they'er on MSN-Now, geez the things ya gotta do to get some fame in this world. :-P
It's gone really sour. The sales staff has had to go into damage control mode with our customers who recognise the clothier of the cervidae, the habedershor to the hooved.
It's kind of tough explaining to customers you've been dealing with for years what the hades your co-workers were thinking.
:|
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What a bunch of yuppie commee's. What is the would coming too when you can't be a harmless redneck?
If you didn't think that was funny, then you're a Communist, Plain and simple.
Had these folks actually harmed that dear, I wouldn't think it was funny, however, the dear is now roaming free and probably a little smarter when it comes to traps.
Some folks are so measurable in their stupid little world that, they are only happy when they cause measure to someone else that had the audacity to have fun. Those NRS folks you have up there should "P!ss Off"
Rouse
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Rouse.....No need to sugar -coat it...Tell us what you think :cheers:Happy MONDAY
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Jerry, I was thinking that maybe Rouse should take a mellow pill. Whaddaya tink?
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Dat is mellow for Texas :-)
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I'm always Mellow. I just have a hard time with people that thinks there should be a law against having fun.
This could be a great Nation again if not for the kill-joy jerks running around.
That dear would have probably been shot if not for the safety Tee shirt, Don't those "commie" knot heads at the DNR know anything about hunting safety.
Sorry about my spelling in the earlier post, that happens to me when I get excited over such crap.
Now that said, I'll calm down.
Rouse
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Just an update on this one.
Seems the “perps” I work with have taken down the video and have been now officially charged and fined by the DNR.
Probably would have not been a problem had they not posted a video as potentially “viral” as somebody putting a T-shirt on a deer.
This from yesterday’s news –
http://www.todaystmj4.com/multimedia/videos/?bctid=2291937336001
Hay Chris, your deer dressing buds made the big time, they'er on MSN-Now, geez the things ya gotta do to get some fame in this world. :-P
It's gone really sour. The sales staff has had to go into damage control mode with our customers who recognise the clothier of the cervidae, the habedershor to the hooved.
It's kind of tough explaining to customers you've been dealing with for years what the hades your co-workers were thinking.
:|
Apparently, it is a dangerous combination, to be terminally bored AND live in suburban Wisconsin. . . . . . . . . .
Hopefully the Brewers will be doing OK and Packer mini-camps will start soon, giving the terminally bored something else to do. . . . . . . . .
Maybe they are Milwaukee Bucks fans. . . . . . . . . OH, wait, . . . . . That's how the trouble started in the first place. . . . . . . . . Doh!!
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The most common last words of a redneck is " Hold my beer and watch this!!! "
It's not hard to be a redneck, it's just hard to be good at it.
Johnnie Rouse
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That's hardly sport, tackling a deer.
Now if you want REAL sport tackle a Green Bay Packer and put a deer t-shirt on him!
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He called the deer, dear. Is there something (other than Commie) going on here?
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He called the deer, dear. Is there something (other than Commie) going on here?
No - that was a Brett Favre/ Aaron Rodgers reference.
I know these guys- I work with them, and they are decent people - I would have no problem entrusting any of them to the week-end care of our cats. There was no beer involved, there were no drugs involved - it was just a case of poor judgment.
One aspect of this that the press hasn't caught on to is that an officer with the DNR actually confronted them within a day or so of this happening and chewed them out - and from what I was told, while trying to maintain a straight face - and it wasn't until the video went viral that they seem to have become compelled to do something about it.
I suspect the DNR didn’t want anything to do with it, either.
I shared it because my co-worker posted it up on YouTube - and if he hadn't, I would have never have mentioned it. I found it humorous - definately something I had never seen before - my wife found it abhorrent, and judging by the comments on different news blogs, this makes me a sicko. On the other hand, some of the assumptions made about my fellow co-workers by the faceless masses have been groundless and prejudicial to the point of libel, and the broad-stroke put-downs of my fellow Wisconsinites, baseless.
I am sorry I brought it to the forum, but I am sorrier that if my doing so in any way further brought anguish to my co-workers, who are truly ashamed, and seem to have no voice in the abusive comments many blogs and on-line news services have foisted upon them.
Chris Conrad
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All of this was intended to be light hearted goofy fun. Something we all do on occasion. It is nothing to be ashamed about.
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3 more until I can get this thread back on course....................
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He called the deer, dear. Is there something (other than Commie) going on here?
Scotsmen wear kilts because zippers scare the sheep.
Rouse
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3 more until I can get this thread back on course....................
Jerry, I don't know why you can't keep your thread on topic... start early and avoid the rush... :cheers:
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Bob...Because it is Stupid Joke FRIDAY...Without rules we`d have a bunch of commies...............Nevermind :wink:
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Okay, it's Friday in Abingdon on Thames, and seeing as neither of my MGs have clocks --
http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/cutfour/#contentId=45131006
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Okay, it's Friday in Abingdon on Thames, and seeing as neither of my MGs have clocks --
http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/cutfour/#contentId=45131006
I didn't know Billy Martin was a camel jockey.... :roll:
Which one of the 5000 things were you pointing out?
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The ancient romans held gatherings once per week.....I guess that was enough forum............. :cheers:
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:cheers:
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TGIF!!!
Topic Gaining Integrity Floydjer :cheers:
Keep up the good work
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That's hardly sport, tackling a deer.
Now if you want REAL sport tackle a Green Bay Packer and put a deer t-shirt on him!
:-D :-D :-D :-D :cheers: Shot Dean, I love it.
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Gather all ye little sheep, and ye shall be herd.
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Went to a ball game last night and some drunk ya-hoo hit me in the head with a can of pepsi...I`m glad it was a soft drink :cheers: Did I mention I`m learning sign language?? I think it will come in handy..................... :wink:
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What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Poo have in common?
Their middle name.
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For the last time...You don`t have to wait for me.. How does the man on the moon cut his hair??/ ......................Eclipse it :cheers:
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And be nice to your dentist............he has fillings too....................... :cheers: Anyone need an Ark ?? I Noah guy............. :cheers:
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When does a Dentist get the maddest?
When he looses all his patients!
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Most dentist appointments are at 2:30
tooth-hurty.
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Jerry,
You know that none of us feel comfortable posting a stupid joke until you lead off each Friday.
Monte.
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Chris told me you guys tried it once, But the jokes were funny................... :cry:
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What do storm clouds wear under their clothes????.....Thunderwear :cheers:
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Some nut named Hazel robbed a bank...She shouted " Give me all the cashew have.........................."
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What is the definition of a mistress?
Something between a mister and a mattress.
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How do you get down from an elephant?
You dont, you get down from a duck ;D
Happy Friday!
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This wimpy semi driver pulls his 18 wheeler into a road side diner. Goes in, sits on a stool at the counter, and orders the luncheon special. While eating his meal, a biker gang roars into the parking lot and comes into the diner. They see him and take seats on either side of him. The biker on the left looks over and says "I think you could use more salt" - and proceeds to take a salt shaker and unscrew the top and dump half the container on the truck driver's meal. Truck driver sits there - looking straight ahead and says nothing. Biker on the right looks over and says "I think you could use more pepper" - and proceeds to take a pepper shaker and unscrew the top and dump a bunch on the truck driver's meal. Truck driver sits there - looking straight ahead and says nothing. After a moment, he gets up and walks out the door. Waitress is picking up his dishes and the bikers are whooping it up - "boy, he sure wasn't much of a man"! Waitress says 'Yeah, and he's not much of a truck driver either, he just backed over a bunch of motorcycles"!
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I might have an open casket funeral...Remains to be seen :cheers: Did I tell you my dad had the heart of a lion??? He was banned from the zoo after that..................... :evil:
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Did I tell you my dad had the heart of a lion??? He was banned from the zoo after that..................... :evil:
Parents - they ARE tough to figure.
My dad had the eye of an eagle, and then the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service arrested him.
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Yeah well,....My sister had the morals of a................................Nevermind :-o
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MENS TRANSLATIONS OF TERMINOLOGY IN WOMENS ADS
The Women State and the Men Interpret:
1. Woman: Looking for an LTR.
Man: An LTR means that I can be married, attached and/or separated and still have an LTR. An LTR can mean a long term NSA relationship. I should write this woman right away. Perhaps I can change her mind about what this really means.
2. Woman: I'm looking for an intelligent man.
Man: I graduated from high school (barely). Intelligent can mean many things. Then they proceed to answer her ad absolutely slaughtered with misspelled words, bad grammar, run-on sentences and no punctuation. She didn't answer me? There's something wrong with HER. Repeat behavior: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!
3. Woman: I'm looking for a classy, worldly man.
Man: I'm classy and worldly. I've been to SD, WY and all over Utah. I wear my best blue jeans out on a date (the ones with no holes in them). My only hobbies are racing, skiing, biking, skiing, football, baseball and snowboarding.
She wants someone to go to an opera, play, travel to a big city and see the sites, go on cruises or go to nice restaurants? That is for fags. If the woman isn't into anything but outdoors activities and hockey, she's probably fat, bitter and ugly and I wouldn't be interested in meeting her anyway.
4. The woman posts an ad in Strictly Platonic.
Man: This woman really needs a good lay and she's only posting in strictly platonic as a cover. I'll write her and suggest a good roll in the sack, she'll come around. Better yet, I'll be sneaky about it and offer her a massage. Once I have her clothes off, she won't be able to resist me!
5. Woman: Posts an ad with specific criteria she's looking for. It could be anything from location to appearance to habits, such as no smoking or drugs.
Man: This woman is a TOTAL loser for having criteria in her ad. How dare she? A man is the only one who has this right. I know I am a middle aged, bald man with so many wrinkles on my face, I look like a prune, but she should like me anyway. I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!
6. Woman: I prefer clean cut men.
Man: What does she mean by that? So what if I rarely shower or shave, have long hair (haircuts are expensive man), have piercings and tattoos? Repeat behavior above: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!
7. Woman: I'm looking for someone honest, straightforward and interested in MY ad. No serial responders or power daters please.
Man: What's a serial responder or a power dater? So what if I answer just about every ad that's posted online? It's the woman's responsibility to either keep her ad posted, so I can go back and look at it and see which one she is out of the 100 ads I replied to in the past 2 days or she should be willing to regurgitate her ad back to me verbatim. Repeat behavior above: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!
8. Woman: Tells man thanks for replying, but you aren't my type.
This woman rejected me (told me I wasn't her type) or was insulted by being called names and insulted when she rejected me, despite the fact that I really know nothing about her or even what she looks like. Therefore, I'm going to get even. I'm going to send her hate mail and call her fat, ugly or an old shrew and whatever else I can think of. If she blocks me out, I have 10 more email addresses that I will use to continue to send her hate mail. I'm a man, my dick is bronzed with gold and by golly, and I'm going to get in the last word.
I went through anger management classes. My shrink says it's all under control, really!
8. Woman: I'm looking for a professional man.
Man: Well, that's me! I'm a professional construction worker or burger flipper.
9. Woman: I'm interested in actually meeting someone. I don't want to spend weeks going back and forth on email, instant messenger or texting.
Man: She will change her mind. I really have no social skills, so I feel most comfortable behind the computer emailing or instant messaging. I'm such a stud (my dick is bronzed with gold) that she'll change this standard and maybe a month later, I will decide to meet (or maybe not).
10. Woman: I'm not interested in a man who smokes or uses drugs.
Man: What is wrong with this woman? I'm a GREAT guy and by her stating she won't date me because of this is just wrong. She's missing out on so many good men because she's some kind of bigot and she shouldn't be so judgmental about my nasty habits.
Repeat behavior above: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this.
11. Man and woman make arrangements to meet for a drink. Man: I'm going to try to figure out how to get this woman to drive as close to me as I can. That way, if I don't like her, I have only gone 1-2 miles out of my way. She should be glad that I agreed to meet her and should happily drive to my side of town (20-30 miles). What is this crap about her wanting to meet half ways somewhere? My dick is bronzed with gold after all.
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What is brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
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Yeah well,....My sister had the morals of a................................Nevermind :-o
That's right - it is mushroom season, and you don't want to give away those secret family mushroom hunting spots.
Oh, Wait . . . Jerry, did you say morals or MORELS? :roll:
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:roll:
If a Moose bellows, and a Wolf howls,,, what does a wild Goose do ? ( personnaly, it drives me up a wall !! )
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What is brown and rhymes with snoop?.....
Dr. Dre...!
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Next time you are driving with your small child and wife, animal sounds are always fun.
What sound does a cow make: "Moo"
What sound does a horse make" "Neigh"
What sound does a rabbit make: " " (Your kid will always get it right)
What sound does a pig make: "Oink"
What sound does a rooster make: "Cock-a-doodle-doo"
What sound does a prostitute make: "Any c**k will do" (Quiz: How did your wife react to the last one? I got hit . . . hard.)
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Sure Dean...And perverted rabbits say " Rubbit" :cheers:
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A beautiful young princess was enjoying a lovely morning sitting in a forest glade caressed by a gentle breeze beside a babbling brook in her father’s kingdom. Suddenly, without warning, a large frog hopped into her lap. The frog, clearly no ordinary frog, said “Do not be afraid, princess. I am an enchanted frog. If you kiss me, I will turn into a handsome young prince. Then we can be married, and we will live in your father’s castle with my mother, where you can cook and clean for her and me and do our every bidding.”
That evening, as the princess enjoyed a delicious repast of frog legs sautéed in white wine sauce, the princess chuckled gently and said to herself, “I don’t fu&#ing think so.”
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:roll:
The best way to catch a Rabbit ? Sit behind a bush, and make a noise like a carrot !
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:roll:
The best way to catch a Rabbit ? Sit behind a bush, and make a noise like a carrot !
Crow, you repeat yourself. see post 483
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Beer does not make you fat. It makes you lean.
Yep.......
You lean against tables, chairs, walls and ugly people.
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:roll:
The best way to catch a Rabbit ? Sit behind a bush, and make a noise like a carrot !
Crow, you repeat yourself. see post 483
CaptT, although he does not give his age, theazOLDcrow may be... well Old, and we know how old people get... look at Stan
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Stainless, I should be so lucky. I can't remember stuff long enough to repeat it. repeat it. repeat it........
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Stan,,,, I'm 67 and DO have a hard time remembering even yesterday ! sorry bout the re-post ! By the way, who are you ? laffin' laffin' !
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I guess you can't remember -- I didn't make that post -- look again.
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:-D See,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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Since it`s friday...........................................Why do penguins walk softly??...Because they can`t walk hardly :cheers:
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I had two guys from south of the border install new carpet....First they put down the underlay!underlay!
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School teacher talking about marriage to her class.
Teacher: What kind of wife would you like, Johnny?
Johnny: I would like a wife like the moon...
Teacher: WOW !! What a choice.. do you want her to be beautiful
and calm like the moon?
Johnny: No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning.
FREUD
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What's the difference between a sensual woman and a baseball field?
You can't play on a wet field.
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What`s the best way to carve wood???....Whittle by whittle :cheers:
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What's the difference between a sewing machine and a kiss?
One sews seams nice......the other seems so nice!
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Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
' Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
-
Still waiting for the punchline, Doc.
-
Herr aircap........
I friggin' spaced out and didn't realize that the last few sentences didn't attach when I
pasted it in.
So, with the toilet paper still sticking to the crack of my Acura, I confidently walk up to
the podium to complete the joke. The crowd is laughing before I get there and I am
convinced that I am the funniest turd in the punch bowl.
Here it is in total......I hope.
Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
' Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat Da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
FREUD
I thought of waiting until next week but I don't plan on the future at my age.
.
-
Sure glad I wasted an hour trying to get the first virgin.
-
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and
the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."
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Never hit a man with glasses................Hit him with a baseball bat :cheers:
-
Why did the orange roll down the hill??......because he ran out of juice.... :cheers:
-
Hoo Wah! It's National Donut Day!
(https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTrzo6LB4ewVPQ0ZPLcacOuxXPvBZqsN1AsYGAEY5Y0QBF3EGzycQ)(http://susanmernit.com/blog/images/wickedcoolstuff_1763_12079682.jpg)(http://p.twimg.com/AuWjEZiCMAId0QU.jpg)
Celebrate with a donut video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=woYGwW2UB34 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=woYGwW2UB34)
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Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
' Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat Da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Uooofda! Dat der explains my pot of mold, aina'?
-
Sorry Dean...But March 14 is still my favorite holiday. :cheers:
-
Pre-emptive strike before Chris chimes in....RECEIVING...NOT GIVING :cheers:
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Hoo Wah! It's National Donut Day!
How's about a little hot sauce on that donut? :evil:
(This commercial was probably NOT shown during the Super Bowl). :mrgreen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJeSu1eq0dY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJeSu1eq0dY)
Mike
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What? another flatulent chebbie?
Voodoo Mama Hot Sauce? Sofa king funny! Thanks!
Hoo Wah! It's National Donut Day!
(https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTrzo6LB4ewVPQ0ZPLcacOuxXPvBZqsN1AsYGAEY5Y0QBF3EGzycQ)(http://susanmernit.com/blog/images/wickedcoolstuff_1763_12079682.jpg)(http://p.twimg.com/AuWjEZiCMAId0QU.jpg)
Celebrate with a donut video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=woYGwW2UB34 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=woYGwW2UB34)
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I like gardening...In fact , When spring arrived I got so excited I wet my plants........................ :cheers:
-
(http://uncrate.com/p/2008/09/duct-tape-bandages.jpg)
Not a joke! A real 3M product. Every racers tool box needs this!
-
'bout time. electrical tape don't hold for crap.
-
Hmmmmm....What will it take to keep you guys on-topic?
-
Here...Let me demonstrate........................This guy goes in to the doctor and the Doc. points out a piece of lettuce is sticking out of his rear. The guy says " And that`s just the tip of the iceburg" :cheers: See how easy????
-
Jerry,
I take it that means you are not about to lettuce alone until we get back on topic!
-
Monte moves to the head of the class..............................
-
...........Because he couldn`t leaf it alone.......................
-
Do mummies listen to wrap music???? :cheers:
-
Do mummies listen to wrap music???? :cheers:
Only on iTombs. :mrgreen:
-
That was a little cryptic Chris.........................
-
If this is the same mummy....., I overheard him talking about his manager and story was that Egypt
him out of some money! I think the case is still tied up in the Pharaohs court.
-
I heard about that....Some sort of pyramid scheme.....................
-
I know, this whole story sphinx to high heaven!
-
You can't de nile....that is some kind of story.
-
Congrat on the string boys that was good :cheers: :cheers:
-
I`m not ready to desert this one yet...................
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You know, that's a good point. Hydro-engineering is so key to the region, that they actually graduate Pharaoh Faucet Majors.
-
I also heard that in Egypt they are the world's largest consumer of lunch meat.......
that is because of all the sand-which-is there!
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MM, That`s quite the confluence of thoughts to keep that stream flowing. :cheers:
-
It's as though we've tapped into something.
-
Rapidly too I might add. You can bank on it.
-
Holy Moses! It's time to get the heck out of here, this thread has turned into a curse or something.
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Holy Moses! It's time to get the heck out of here, this thread has turned into a curse or something.
Pipe threads - not curse threads . . .
-
My ex-wife was deaf...She left me for a guy that was also deaf.....I guess I should have seen the signs............... :cheers:
-
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow?
It's making headlines!
-
Small babies are delivered by the Stork...For the bigger ones you need a crane............................ :-)
-
Why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks?
They are a little meteor!
-
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for naturally stupid.
-
Monte......Bravo ! :cheers:
-
What washes up on tiny beaches ???.....Microwaves :cheers:
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vR7DCFCkqao Fun to remember the Road Runner :-o
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Did you hear about the rancher in Montana that was retiring and turning the operation over to his sons.
He insisted that with new management the ranch be renamed.....he changed the name to Focal Point Ranch.
When his friends asked him why......he replied. "Because that is where the the sons raise meat".
-
Oh no. :roll: Wayno
-
What washes up on tiny beaches ???.....Microwaves :cheers:
I suppose if you cast a line into the water you could catch microfiche?
-
Very good one, Monte. My corngratulations.
-
. . .sons raise meat".
The only other triple pun I've heard:
Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a shrewd, hard-hearted trader in a bear market?
Because she got a handsome prophet out of rushes on the banks.
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I wish I could lay claim to that one. I remember reading it in a game, puzzle and joke book that was printed in the 50's.
-
I did have to paraphrase as I could not remember it word for word.
-
So Monte...Did he buy a dachsund so he`d have......a long little doggy....?????
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Good one Jerry! That's why you are the king of Stupid Joke Friday.
-
I took a prune to the senior prom in high school.....I couldn`t find a date......................
-
Cure for a headache....Smash your head through a window...The pane will disappear.... :cheers:
-
What is black and white and eats like a horse?
A Zebra!
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I know it's not Friday but apparently it happened on Friday.
http://news.com.au/travel/news/asiana-may-sue-tv-station-and-ntsb-over-fake-pilot-names-prank/story-e6frfq80-1226679495609
(http://news.com.au/travel/news/asiana-may-sue-tv-station-and-ntsb-over-fake-pilot-names-prank/story-e6frfq80-1226679495609)
Really.........
-
What would bears be without bees ????..............Ears :cheers:
-
Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?
She gave birth to mittens.
-
Last night I had a dream about radials. I woke up a little tired.
Better than the night before. I had a dream about mufflers and I woke up exhausted!
-
Why do Dragons sleep all day?... Because they fight (k)nights :cheers:
-
Is an empty jar of Cheese Whiz called Cheese Was ?? :roll:
-
Last night I had a dream about radials. I woke up a little tired.
Better than the night before. I had a dream about mufflers and I woke up exhausted!
My dream was about an oil pan - I was drained.
-
I was going to tell a joke about pizza......but,
it was kind of cheesy.
-
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I don't wear clothes".
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!!! I WON, I WON."
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."
-
BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and
other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction,
concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
-
I saw a Vampire last evening..I think he was scouting for his necks victim................
-
It is Friday at Slim's...
This pipe wrapping is so difficult. I am going to call my mummy.
-
Why don't lobsters make good friends to play with?
They are shellfish
-
Know why the skeleton didn`t go to the dance??.......... He had no body to go with..................... :cheers:
-
Do you know what the frogs in France eat??
French flies!
-
Hey Monte...Like to buy a French Army Rifle?? Never fired, Only dropped once...............
-
Jerry, wasn't there also something about the French army tanks only being able to move in reverse??
-
The French are doing the heavy lifting in North Africa and my father had good to say about the Free French forces he was alongside during WW2.
-
I saw a trampoline on sale at 50% off...I may have to jump on that offer...................
-
Did I mention the rash of car break-ins at the hospital parking ramp??.. That is wrong on so many levels..................... :evil:
-
No matter how much you try to push the envelope.....
I will still be stationery!
-
I love this thread, I look forward to it every Friday. With great fear and trepidation I will try to participate. I would appreciate if you go easy on me since this is my first attempt and I may not quite have the hang of this yet....here goes:
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
-
A fine first effort..........I stayed up late enough to see the sun rise...Then it dawned on me......................... :cheers:
-
bbarn, I will save you the wrath of Jerry, aka Floydjer......not really wrath though....more like teasing....
I think it was supposed to be: Seven days without "food", makes one weak!
-
bbarn,
After reading my last post I realized it could be taken in a way that I did not intend.
Hope you realize I was just trying to be funny not rude.
Monte.
-
bbarn,
After reading my last post I realized it could be taken in a way that I did not intend.
Hope you realize I was just trying to be funny not rude.
Monte.
I've been in the fetal position weeping all day. My coworkers took my shoelaces and belt away from me just to be safe.... :-P its all good man, sleep well tonight, I was not offended nor did I take it that you were rude, its a joke thread....lighten up already!
-
What does a baby computer call it`s father????......." Data" :cheers:
-
OK... :? How about this then..." What`s green and sings??.........Elvis Parsley" :lol:
-
I had rabbit fricasee last night for dinner and I won't do that again... It made me jumpy!
-
I had rabbit fricasee last night for dinner and I won't do that again... It made me jumpy!
Are you sure it wasn't from the hops in the IPA?
-
My statistics professor told me I was an average student.
I told her I thought she was mean.
-
I know I should have been upset when my flashlight batteries died.
But I was really delighted!
-
My statistics professor told me I was an average student.
I told her I thought she was mean.
Statistics jokes:
68.4% of all statistics are made up on the spot, 39.5% of people hearing them believe them to be true.
3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the Earth's population.
it has been proven that laboratory testing causes cancer in mice.
5 out of 4 people have difficulty with fractions.
Half of the people you meet today will be below average.
-
I know I should have been upset when my flashlight batteries died.
But I was really delighted!
Need a joke ??? Monte is.....ever-ready :evil:
-
Well Jerry,
I could comment that your Friday jokes "energize" me!!
-
Jerry,
I could also say that I know you get a big charge out of all this! Especially jokes that are on a cell-ular
level.
Oh, please stop me.
-
Lights -out on that subject...Time to switch... :cheers:
-
No really Monte...Stay grounded. I`m positive
-
Wire we still on this subject?
-
I will take it upon myself to insulate you all from any more shocking information and terminate this joke!!
-
Sock-et to `em Monte
-
But it was illuminating............................
-
C'mon. Youse guys are a twisted pair.
-
Just a little......light hearted humor Jon...........................
-
One thing I can say is I don't have a "short" anywhere!
-
Jerry and Monte -- keep it up. Don't leave me stranded.
-
I used to assemble airplanes, it was very riveting...
-
I'm banking on this battery of jokes.
-
Should we come up with a new line that parallels this one or start a new series?
-
Maybe we just need another outlet.........I`m certain you ...conduit...Monte :cheers:
-
Jerry,
It's time for me to admit you have me grounded and all my fuses snapped as well!
-
I'd plug it in, but she said no.
Rouse
-
If you guys want to change the topic to fish.......Let minnow.... :evil:
-
When mummies listen to music is it always wrap ??
-
Why is Pharaoh's daughter considered to be like a wall street banker?
Because she pulled a little prophet from the rushes on the bank.
-
Monte...i`ll give that a 9.9 on a ....scale...of 1-10. I think you cod do batter....................... :evil:
-
Two eagles are standing on a perch.
One turns to the other and says "why does it smell like fish"?
-
Now we finally know why Monte is a good starter at WoS. He helps bikes and cars get really great speeds - by giving them a fast start. How's he do that? Simple -- he tells the driver/rider one of these one liners and the racer can't get away fast enough to avoid hearing another of 'em. :evil: :evil:
-
Hey, I resemble that remark!
Anything to make someone go more faster!!
-
Oops, I ment to say much more faster!!
-
How many students of Sigmund Freud does it take to change a lightbulb???.....Two.... One holds the light, The other holds the penis....I mean ladder.... :evil:
-
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three....one to screw in the light bulb and two to consider the sexual implications.
-
Menstruation jokes are not funny. Period.
-
Indeed
-
What was purple and almost ruled the world?
Alexander The Grape.
-
A potentate, rich and despotic
had tastes that were rather exotic
"I've always adored making love in a Ford..
you see, I'm auto-erotic."
-
Why is Pharaoh's daughter considered to be like a wall street banker?
Because she pulled a little prophet from the rushes on the bank.
When mummies listen to music is it always wrap ??
Great - I'm gone for three weeks, and you two are stooping to Nile-ism.
Okay, this just in from below the Aswan Dam -
What do you call the hydraulic engineers who designed the plumbing in the pyramids?
Pharaoh faucet majors.
-
A joke about German sausage was the wurst I ever heard...................................
-
What do you call a Dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary???.........A Thesaurus....... :cheers:
-
..............Did you know there is a self help group for non-stop talkers?? It`s called " On and on anon" :lol:
-
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.'
Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly...usually on a broomstick.
They are flexible like that.
FREUD
-
Freud, that belongs in Wise Joke Friday thread! :wink:
-
Rcktscience...............Please transfer it for me.
Thanks
FREUD
-
A day on Mercury is 1407 hours. Seems like a regular Monday here on Earth.
-
...............Alcohol and Calculus don`t mix....So NEVER drink and derive :cheers:
-
Do you know why you should never trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
-
Good ol` Monte....Gets right to the nucleus of the matter....................... :cheers:
-
Jerry,
I do try my best to stay positive!
-
I get a charge out of this thread.
-
We covered electricity a couple weeks ago......................Time to switch :cheers:
-
Ya, but what does it hurt to alternate?
Ron
-
I love it when this topic splits. Sometimes not much happens, other times it leaves a pile of carnage in a mushroom cloud...figuratively speaking of course! ;-)
-
I like to keep it going until it.........................................hertz. :cheers:
-
I don`t know watt made me post that.....Revolting, I know. I`ll pull the plug on this one........I have very little resistance to bad humor.... :cheers:
-
All I can say is I'm shocked!
-
this is all shocking
-
I'm grateful it's not an issue I'm atomant about . . .
-
The photographers will appreciate this one.
Photographer to friend: I never told anybody this, but when I was young and poor and trying to get started, a kindly rich lady saw potential and backed me, supporting me for a few years until I could get established, and now I'm rich and famous. I saw her in the park the other day, she had fallen on bad times, she's a bag lady now, picking up aluminum cans.
Friend: What a wonderful opportunity. What did you give her?
Photographer: I gave her 1/64 at f8.
-
Did your shutter slow down from 1/125 or speed up from 1/60?
It must be electronic to have recorded that shutter speed.
FREUD
-
From the day late file......Why don`t Pirates play cards??...because they`re standing on the deck......aarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. :cheers:
-
The convicted murderer was in the electric chair awaiting his fate.
"Do you have a final request?" Asked the warden.
The convict replied, "Would you please hold my hand?"
-
Charlie and Sam were lost at sea.
Charlie was dying for a smoke and had cigarettes, but no matches.
Sam had an idea. He asked for a cigarette and threw it overboard.
That made the boat a cigarette lighter.
-
Charlie and Sam were lost at sea.
Charlie was dying for a smoke and had cigarettes, but no matches.
Sam had an idea. He asked for a cigarette and threw it overboard.
That made the boat a cigarette lighter.
All hail the new King......BRAVO Dean..Bravo !!! :cheers:
-
Which day is a chicken`s least favorite?????....Fry-day :cheers:
-
I cut the tail off my pet glow-worm....He was delighted................... :cheers:
-
Reminds of the bull that took a cow out on a date....They went to the moooovies
-
What would you call and invention that makes it possible for humans to walk through walls?
A door!
-
Hey Ralph, would ya quit yelling HI HO SILVER, it's givin' me a headache!
-
Those two guys are gonna sh*t when I hit the nitrous button!!
-
Did you hear about the morons mother?
She was so proud when her son won a gold metal at the Olympics that she had it bronzed.
-
Hey Monte...Didn`t she also run laps around her bed to catch up on her sleep ??
-
Hey Monte...Didn`t she also run laps around her bed to catch up on her sleep ??
Jerry, I think you must know her.
-
A few weeks ago I told you all about the human cannonball retiring.....
The followup to that story is: The person they replaced him with was hired and fired the same night.
-
Wasn`t the right caliber????
-
They made him take a powder???
-
Poor guy is probably rifling through his resume` right now..........
-
Would that constitute a breach of contract ????
-
I mean...He WAS a barrel of laughs.........
-
I need a painter....Can he shoot primer ???
-
We surmise you must have a blast thinking these thing up.
-
Because of all your related puns here.....we heard the church is going to canonize you!
-
They don`t have the b*lls......................
-
You are just a barrel of laughs.
-
What triggered that response?
-
He decided to take stock of himself.
-
Son of a gun!
-
Hope he doesn't lose sight of his goals.
-
He's made of tough stuff -- carbine fiber.
-
He thinks the world revolves around him.
-
Last I saw him, he was at the local bar getting loaded.
-
Shoot, this is too much...
-
That box wine will do it you every time. :cheers: Tony
-
is that automatic?.
-
Jerry - looks like you found your target audience.
Maybe we can put it in a magazine.
I'll go to Youtube and see if there's a clip . . .
-
I don't want to bore you or be the butt of your jokes but I was just rifling through my pun safe and found I'd failed to keep my powder dry.........
-
Typical Ozzie, going off half cocked!!!
-
Even Stan found this within range.......Yes i know what day this is. :evil:
-
A Los Angeles district court ruled in favor of actor William Shatner last week, denying monetary compensation to the estate of deceased Trichologist, Dr. Raul St. Pierre D’Aquisto. The case revolved around an unpaid medical bill dating back to 1977.
According to court records, the D’Aquisto family claimed that Shatner, an actor, owed the D’Aquisto estate 6.2 million dollars for an unpaid medical bill dating back to 1977. The records indicate the bill in question was for the balance due Dr. D’Aquisto after a hair transplant procedure, $10,000.00, plus 18% accrued interest, which was compounded monthly for 35 years. In documents and medical records entered into evidence by representatives of the D’Aquisto estate, the total cost for the procedure was $15,000.00. Records also indicate that Mr. Shatner did pay an initial $5,000.00 “consulting fee”, but dunning records indicate no further payments were received by Dr. D’Aquisto.
Attorneys for Shatner countersued on their clients behalf, charging that after the procedure, Dr. D’Aquisto failed to return Mr. Shatner’s hairpiece, and that the only leverage Shatner had for return of his personal property was non-payment of the bill.
The court sided with Shatner’s attorneys, who then dropped their countersuit, and the case was dismissed.
At a brief news conference, Mark D’Aquisto, the grandson of the late Dr. D’Aquisto, commented on the court’s decision. “Our family holds no animosity toward Mr. Shatner. Of course, we’re not pleased with the outcome, but this was primarily an action the family needed to address in order to settle the estate of my grandfather.” He went on to say, “This ruling lets our family move forward”, adding, “We’ve got Bill’s Toupee”.
-
Bill should have considered the scope of his actions
-
He must have combed the world for a good attorney.
-
At least he didn't have to part with any more money.
-
He told one reporter that he'd go to any length to get what he wanted.
-
So this guy that Bill went to see.....is he known as the "rug doctor"?
-
Stupid joke Friday
It appears that every day is practice day. :-(
Mike
-
Thank you Mike :cheers:
-
.......After all...Posting here on any day other than Friday is...............hair-acy.................
-
I know it's not Friday, and I'll take the heat for it, but I'll also forget the joke if I wait..... Tell me if you've heard it by the way.
My buddy asked if I'd like to hear his impression of Bat Man... I bit, and he shouted out at the top of his lungs.. NOT THE KRYPTONITE!
I replied to him... That's Superman!
He said... "Thanks. I've been practicing".
Smitty :roll:
-
.......After all...Posting here on any day other than Friday is...............hair-acy.................
Jerry, is that your "parting" shot for the day?
-
Shear brilliance Monte......................................................
-
...And that`ll be the end...I need to split...............
-
...But I`ll be ...Back hair on friday.......................
-
So root around for more puns....................
-
Something everyone will get a bangs out of..............................
-
Or as Austin Powers would say....." Oh.. Be- Hive "
-
Gotta go before Mike gets testy with me...He has a mean streak........................
-
I`m done......................I can DYE a happy man
-
Bill just signed with Henna-Barbera!
-
All right, all right -- I'll ask you boys and girls to do a better job observing the Fridayness of this thread, okay? If you really want to specialise in weak puns -- keep it to a subject that's got at least something real about land speed racing, or at least some kind of vehicle racing. Remembering that I set up the joke topic so you'd have a place to show your sense of humor -- I remind you that the main reason I set it up was to clear most of the site so we could spend more time talking about our hobby/avocation/passion. And another reason was that more than a few of the regulars here got a bit frustrated when there were so many joke-type things mixed in with the race stuff.
So -- with all due respect to your abilities to come up with lowbrow puns -- please move 'em to Fridays only, okay? Yes, there is another joke thread that is not titled "Friday" only -- but rather than just move over there to respond to the letter of my request rather than the spirit of it -- let's get back to racing, okay?
Thanks.
-
Slim races ahead as .....hair apparent :cheers:
-
Gee, I didn't know today is Friday?
-
I`ll save the rest for tomorrow......You guys can go ...on a head ...without me :evil:
-
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry you trouble maker!!!
-
let's get back to racing, okay?
Did he say "racing", or "Racine"?
Hey, it's Friday in Guam - where America's day begins!
-
MM - I said "Mukawanago" or something like that, but it must have been run through the cheesehead translater before you got it.
-
Racine???................This guy goes into a grocery to buy 1/2 a head of lettuce.......................... :evil:
-
Reminds me of the bank robber that always showered before a heist...he wanted to make a clean get away
-
If you keep this up your calendar days are numbered.
-
Beer doesn't make you fat.
It makes you lean
. . . on tables
. . . on walls
. . . on chairs
. . . against your dog
-
Did you hear the one about the kid that asked hid dad if he could go to the 50 cent concert?
Dad handed him a dollar and said, "Here, take your sister with you".
-
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
Look for fresh prince!
-
A man was driving his Corvette along an escarpment in Ethiopia when he lost control of the vehicle, plummeting him and the ‘vette down a steep embankment. He climbed out of the totaled car, and attempted to climb the sheer walls with no luck.
An elephant happened by, saw the poor man and took pity on him. The elephant hung his dick out over the edge of the cliff, the grateful man grabbed the lifeline extended to him, and climbed back to safety.
The moral of the story? If you have a long dick, you don’t need a Corvette.
-
Why is it so difficult to tell twin Witches from each other?
Because you can't tell which Witch is which.
-
One bean turns to another bean and asks " How you bean" ? :cheers: ( sorrry I`m late...Mrs Floydjer is on vacation )
-
M M M ! ! !
Marvelous, Milwaukee Midget
-
Had a spider walk acroos my computer this morning.....I think he was looking for a website.............................................
-
Did I mention that I met a cannibal?? Regular sort of fellow...Has a job, a wife, house...ate kids........................ :evil:
-
Three vampires walk into a tavern.
One of them says to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light"....
-
What does a ghost need in order to scare you?
A haunting license!
-
What do you get when you goose a ghost?.....a hand full of sheet!
-
What did the ghost say to the bee? ....... "Boo bee!"
-
I just read that a cartoonist was found dead at his desk....Details are sketchy
-
Mmmmmm - Halloween puns.
I laughed so hard, I started coffin . . .
-
Chris...We already got called to the principals office for that.................
-
How many ears does Spock have ???......................3...............Left ear,..Right ear....and the final front ear :cheers: :cheers:
-
Chris...We already got called to the principals office for that.................
So you could do us the service of not getting us into grave danger......................
-
maybe Slim won`t notice the puns if we en-crypt them?? :evil:
-
Keep hanging out in the same old haunts and I'll cast a spell on you
PS November 1st is All Saint's Day.
-
I`ll be certain to add that date to my mental vault Jon..............
-
What do you call the children of couch potatoes?
Tater Tots!
-
Chris...We already got called to the principals office for that.................
Jerry, it's not school that we hate....it's the principal of the thing.
-
Reminds me of the jockey who`s wife put him on a diet......He was a fed-less horseman :cheers:
-
.....................Reminds me of the Knight who refused to go into battle...he was Sir Render
-
Know what looks like half an apple???....The other half.... :evil:
-
Jerry, I think you're confused there. Isn't that the nobleman that is in charge of changing the animal fat into lard?
As for the knight that didn't go into battle -- I believe he was in the service of the more capable leader, Sir Charge.
-
What about the Knight that would draw everyone's blood........Sir lance-a-lot.
-
Or the Knight that would hand out the awards at the end of the season......Sir-prize.
-
Monte, I wonder how you missed one of the most definitive nobles of 'em all. The guy was absolutely sure of everything. His name was Sir Tainly.
-
Or the Knight that mapped out their routes......Sir-vey.
-
Or the one that took care of all the horses....Sir-mount.
Someone please stop me.....Jerry? Slim?
-
Or the Knight that mapped out their routes......Sir-vey.
I said the name wrong, it should be Sir-veyor.
-
Lets not forget the fattest knight at the table ... Sir Cumfrence!
-
Or the Knight that worked in the adult film industry and was known for his"delivery"...Sir C*mstantial............. :evil: (my Baptist mother would be so proud)
-
Or the most handsome Knight.......Sir-face.
-
Didja ever meet that really crabby knight? Sir Lee was his moniker, I believe.
-
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
-
I had a stomach ache.
The doctor recommended milk of magnesia.
I had no idea that magnesia were mammals.
-
Related to the coconut, aren't they?
Mike
-
"The doctor recommended milk of magnesia."
Vodka + orange juice= screwdriver
Vodka + milk of magnesia= ?
.
.
.
.
.
a Philips screwdriver :-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Marijuana legal in your states now?
-
Vodka + prune juice = pile driver :-o
-
A little Coke with 151 rum = sledge hammer.
FREUD
-
what do you call a dog with one nostril??......Half breed
-
750 cc`s of O.J. 250 cc`s of vodka...Metric screwdriver
-
Related to the coconut, aren't they?
Mike
What begins with "C", Ends with "T",Is furry on the outside and wet on the inside???.....A coconut
-
Good one!
-
A woman at the gas station said she knew me from her vegatarian club...But I`m certain I never met herbivore :cheers:
-
Post holiday bonus (????)....Where was the Declaration of Independence signed????????? At the bottom :roll:
-
A psychologist had a sushi chef for a patient.
He gave him a raw shark test.
-
hear about the sushi bar that only serves lawyers??? It`s named " Sosumi"
-
hear about the sushi bar that only serves lawyers??? It`s named " Sosumi"
I don't know that I'd eat sushi made from bottom feeders.
-
The great-looking girl from the deep south went to the doctor for an examination & checkup. As he was taking the basic information down he asked if she'd ever had X-rays taken.
She said "Doc, Ah've been X rayed and Ultraviolated".
-
I applied for a job as zookeeper in Australia.....Sadly I lacked the koalafications.................
-
Reminds me of the time I asked a scarecrow if he liked his job...He said " Hay....It`s in my jeans"............. :cheers:
-
I had my credit card stolen last week.....I have decided not to report it because the thief is charging less than my wife.
-
Santa's helpers are . . . subordinate clauses
-
A bike can't stand alone . . . because it's two-tired.
-
Once you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen the mall
-
Pace yourself Dean :cheers:
-
How do you lift an elephant with one hand??.......Well, First you find an elephant with one hand............................ :wink:
-
My broom was late for work today...Guess it over swept.......Did I ever mention I only went out with prunes during high school??...I could never find a date......................... :cheers:
-
Why did the farmer in Idaho set his alarm for 8AM?
So he would get up potato clock!
-
: The Deaf Wife Problem
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'Bert, for the FIFTH DARN TIME, CHICKEN!'
-
Why did the farmer in Idaho set his alarm for 8AM?
So he would get up potato clock!
Now THAT......Is how this thread works !!! :cheers:
-
I thought the wife would be pleased to repair my torn jeans....Or sew it seams.................
-
Ice day bonus.............................People are so sensitive,..I offered a compliment on their nice looking beard and some lady is mad at me.................. :cheers:
-
Technology is moving forward. It turns out you can now download food from the internet. The only problem is it has to be byte-sized.
-
: The Deaf Wife Problem
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'Bert, for the FIFTH DARN TIME, CHICKEN!'
What did she say???? :-D :-D :-D :-D Excellent one, thanks.
-
I thought the wife would be pleased to repair my torn jeans....Or sew it seams.................
Can't remember if I posted this one before?
What is the difference between a sewing machine and a kiss?
One sews seams nice, and the other seems so nice!
-
What is brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's first movement!
-
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
-
The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I
would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.
FREUD
-
I`ve decided to learn sign language......I think it will come in handy..........................
-
If Virginia wore Georgia's New Jersey, what would Delaware?
Idaho, Alaska.
Sorry, I'm running out of material!
-
We're not sorry -- that you're running out of material.
-
a man buys a car for his wife for christmas . "i dont like it " she says. " i want something that will go from 0-140 in 3 seconds. so he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on this ,sweetheart ". whats the smallest part of a fiat ? the owners brain.
-
We're not sorry -- that you're running out of material.
Speak for yourself Slim....................Monte...Google "stupid jokes" :cheers:
-
Jerry,
As difficult as it is to keep up with you, I will have to make one of my new years resolutions to find some new material.
-
How do snails fight??...They slug it out :cheers:
-
Two snowmen are standing in a yard when one of them says to the other...." Do you smell carrots " ?
-
I'd post a joke but the Ford guys can't read wrds more than 4 ltrs. This is a good bit.
http://biggeekdad.com/2010/12/blackberry-not-working/
His look at 1:53 is pric eles s
-
I was thinking about becoming a vegetarian......But that may be a huge missed steak..................... :cheers:
-
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? … Make me one with everything!
-
A termite walks into a saloon and says "Is the bar tender here?"
-
A plate of spaghetti walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
-
My pet bird is sick.............I should take him in for tweetment :cheers:
-
I finally realized that a flashlight is a case for carrying dead batteries!
-
I finally realized that a flashlight is a case for carrying dead batteries!
I got a charge out of that one.................................
-
I know................Revolting.........................
-
I actually found it revelatory, one might even say it was enlightening.
-
You send that via cell phone???....................Stay grounded :cheers:
-
A girl was extremely beautiful and shapely. So much, in fact, that her boyfriend liked calling her "BB" -- for "beautiful butt". She knew that not only did he like her, like her for her hiney, and like her because she was THE one for him -- that she decided to get a tattoo just for him.
She went to the tattoo parlor and had the artist put a large "B" on each butt cheek. Since boyfriend was out of time on business the tattoo had enough time to heal, and when he got back home she decided to present him with the visual gift.
She waited 'til he had settled in after work and then walked into the living room (where he sat) and said "Honey, I want to show you something that I did while you were gone" and promptly dropped her trousers and undies - and bent over so he could see her rear end. He looked for a full minute or two and finally said:
"Bob! Who the heck is Bob?"
-
...........And the guy in the middle was Willie Nelson..................................
-
Reminds of the hipster that burned his mouth......he ate a pizza before it was cool.........................
-
How do you kill a circus?
You go for the juggler!
-
How do you kill a circus?
You go for the juggler!
Once again ladies and gents.....THAT....Is how this thread works. Bravo :cheers:
-
Why don`t oysters give to charity???..Because they are shellfish. :lol:
-
How do you stop a stampeding elephant
ya cut off his stampeder :-D
-
Did you hear about the man who fell through the screen door?
He strained himself.
-
..or the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass................he made a spectacle of himself! :-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
What do call Batman when he skips out on church?
Christian Bale!
-
2 whales walk into a bar.
First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo
Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk
-
I found out I was a dyslexic when I turned up to a toga party dressed as a goat
-
Did you hear about the Phillipino contortionist?
They called her the manilla folder!
-
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
-
I received a wedding invitation recently that said, "black tie only".
When I showed up, all the other fellows were wearing tuxedos?
-
What would you call a person with no body and only a nose???......Nobody knows............. :cheers:
-
For Chris................What did the teacher do with my report on cheese??? She grated it :roll:
-
For Chris................What did the teacher do with my report on cheese??? She grated it :roll:
Dude - no whey will I let you milk this one . . .
-
For Chris................What did the teacher do with my report on cheese??? She grated it :roll:
Dude - no whey will I let you milk this one . . .
You have to admit, that was a little cheesy.
-
Dear algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X. She’s never coming back and don’t ask Y.
-
There is no whey I can keep reading this, it makes my blood curdle.
Ron
-
..................That drove a wedge into this thread..............
-
.......Even made my stomach churn a little...........
-
What type of cheese would you use to hide a horse????...Mascapone`....( I`ll stop now) :cheers:
-
I swiss you would.....stop that is.
-
The thing about Jerry is.....he always comes up with a gouda one!
-
Cheeze whiz guys....you must be really feta-p with all these stinky puns.
-
For Chris................What did the teacher do with my report on cheese??? She grated it :roll:
Dude - no whey will I let you milk this one . . .
I con-curd.
-
Jerry - what are you doing Tuesday night?
https://www.facebook.com/pundamonium
Shank Hall in Milwaukee.
Yes . . . THAT Shank Hall . . .
:wink:
-
What does a squirrel give his girlfriend on St. Valentine`s Day??.............Forget- me -nuts
-
Wonder if vampires send flowers to their ghoul-friends ????????????????????
-
That's a bloody good one Floyd.
Thanks man. :cheers:
-
Your turn Monte....Continue in that ....vein... :cheers:
-
Your turn Monte....Continue in that ....vein... :cheers:
That's right - Jerry's keeping Count, Monte.
Christo
-
These jokes bite!
-
I am so Vlad to know that Monte (helps if you do the Dracula voice in your head......Yes Chris, I hear voices in my head.....) :cheers:
-
Jerry, is it true you are serving cape with I scream at your Valentines party tonight?
-
Monte...Your biting sarcasm eludes me.............. :roll:But if you`re coming to the party? Take the high-way...It`s a main artery :cheers:
-
At Jerry's party tonight he will also be serving wooden steak, with a bloody good sauce of his own making!
-
PUNOGRAPHY
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra .
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
-
Top that Jerry. :-)
-
From the "better late than never" file............How did Ebenezer Scrooge score the winning touchdown??.....The Ghost of Christmas passed................. :roll:
-
I am trying to give up sexual innuendos...but it's hard...REALLY HARD!
-
I am trying to give up sexual innuendos...but it's hard...REALLY HARD!
Just stick it out...........It will come to you............... :evil:
-
It is just such a prickly subject...its hard to deal with.
-
Your innuendos are like Spanish suppositories. 8-)
-
Jerry does like to poke fun at others!
-
I can see this might lead us into a sticky situation.
-
When I got home from work my wife said;
I baked a cake today, do you want a piece?
I said hell yes, and some of that cake too.
Rouse
-
Hey, did I mention that I invented a time machine? Next week.
-
Hey, did I mention that I invented a time machine? Next week.
Monte - Just a reminder that the meeting on time travel is postponed until two weeks ago.
-
Would you call a can opener that doesn`t work a " Can`t opener" ? :cheers:
-
What is the worlds quietest sport?
Bowling, you can hear a pin drop!
-
Don't be disrespecting bowling. Bowling is huge in Milwaukee.
Milwaukee's the only town I've ever lived in where when people say, "Would you like to do some lines?", they're not talking about cocaine!
-
I'm not sure you know it, Jerry, but I think using a "cant opener" would make for at least two cants.
cant 2 [kant] noun: an oblique line or surface, as one formed by cutting off the corner of a square of cube.
Top that one, hey? :cheers: :cheers:
-
I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES
English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida,Missouri, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta, British Columbia, Oregon, Upper Mich.
Nice Tits,
Get in the Truck.
-
Don't be disrespecting bowling. Bowling is huge in Milwaukee.
Milwaukee's the only town I've ever lived in where when people say, "Would you like to do some lines?", they're not talking about cocaine!
Chris, I can't help it....Jerry has forced my mind into the gutter....he is such a troublemaker!
-
I'm not sure you know it, Jerry, but I think using a "cant opener" would make for at least two cants.
cant 2 [kant] noun: an oblique line or surface, as one formed by cutting off the corner of a square of cube.
Top that one, hey? :cheers: :cheers:
Slim, I'll just bet you he "can't".
-
Leave it to Slim to go off on a tangent......................
-
Slim is one of those guys that rides a oblong object along a co-linear plane, is he not?
-
Somebody has to square this thread back up. Let me try...
Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"
-
Each day at exactly 5:06 p.m. a doctor stops into his favorite bar for a hazelnut Daiquiri ( I know...light in the loafers) On this particular day the bartender saw the Dr. enter and realised he was out of Hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly he used Hickory nuts as a substitute and prepared the drink. The Dr sat down, took a sip and spit it out exclaiming " This is not Hazelnut" !! The bartender sheepishly said " I know...It`s a Hickory Daiquiri Doc" :cheers:
-
When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up,
I was like, OMg!
-
If vodka + orange juice is a "Screwdriver",
What is vodka + Milk of Magnesia?
...a Phillips Screwdriver :-D
-
Just remember, you should wear a condom at every conceivable moment.
-
If vodka + orange juice is a "Screwdriver",
What is vodka + Milk of Magnesia?
...a Phillips Screwdriver :-D Metric screwdriver...750 ml orange juice-250ml vodka
-
Jerry, you'll never make it as a hard core drinker with recipes like that. At best you've got your proportions backwards - should have .75 L vodka and if there's any room left in the glass - put in some orange juice. Or hold the glass and look at an orange before drinking. :cheers:
-
I like gardening...In fact , When spring arrived I got so excited I wet my plants........................ :cheers:
Hey, Floyd! Don't forget to spring back for Daylight Saving Time.
:cheers:
-
A frog hops in to Chase Bank and inquires about a business loan. He is directed to the chief loan officer, Patricia. After taking down all of his info and hearing his biz scheme she asks what he would use as collateral for the loan. The frog pulls out a porcelan figurine of a dog smoking a cigar and exclaims " This " ! The loan officer calls the bank manager over and runs over the plan with him. The manager listens, Then picks up the dog statue and says........." It`s a knick -knack Patti -wack....Give the frog a loan "
-
That is going to make me croak!
-
Don`t do it here Monte.....Go back to your pad.....................
-
"It`s a knick -knack Patti -wack....Give the frog a loan "
This old man gave out a groan . . . :|
-
This one is specially for Seldom Seen Slim.
How does Jack Frost get to work?
By icicle!
-
Don`t do it here Monte.....Go back to your pad.....................
Jerry, I'll leap right on that!
-
What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs!
-
Don`t do it here Monte.....Go back to your pad.....................
Jerry, I'll leap right on that!
Thought Mike would join in from his side of the...pond.....
-
A frog hops in to Chase Bank and inquires about a business loan. He is directed to the chief loan officer, Patricia. After taking down all of his info and hearing his biz scheme she asks what he would use as collateral for the loan. The frog pulls out a porcelan figurine of a dog smoking a cigar and exclaims " This " ! The loan officer calls the bank manager over and runs over the plan with him. The manager listens, Then picks up the dog statue and says........." It`s a knick -knack Patti -wack....Give the frog a loan "
I understood the frog to be on of Kieth Richards children as well
G
-
Don`t do it here Monte.....Go back to your pad.....................
Jerry, I'll leap right on that!
Thought Mike would join in from his side of the...pond.....
Read it!, Read it!.
-
Reminds me of the dentist that married a manicurist...They fought tooth and nail.............
-
What`s the difference between a well dressed man and a dog?? The man wears suits...The dog just pants... :cheers:
-
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here".
Two time travelers walk into a bar.
-
Mrs. Floydjer locked me out of the house until I stop telling stupid jokes....I said " Please o`pun the door" (lonely out here) :cheers:
-
I have posted several puns here,
but the one about the kleptomaniac baker takes the cake.
-
You know Monte, Bakers make most of their earnings in the morning....They make yeast half of their dough before `leaven.............. :cheers: ( Sound of gauntlet being thrown)
-
Jerry, everone knows that bakers are rolling in the dough...
-
Methinks Jerry is trying to get a rise out of me! I knead to think of a quick retort.
-
That came off sounding half-baked
-
Jerry, I know you are not one to loaf around, you are on a roll now!
-
This is a crumby thread
G
-
Jerry, I know you are not one to loaf around, you are on a roll now!
I agree but does it matter which way you cut it?. :-)
-
What do you call a cow that doesn`t give milk???.....A milk dud ( Or an udder failure) :cheers:
-
It's ridiculous what Mooovs pasteurize on Friday mornings.
Ron
-
It is important to keep your bathroom mirror clean......
Otherwise it will give you a dirty look!
-
Jerry, no more jokes about cows and milk....
I'm lactose intolerant.
-
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog, it croaks every night.
-
Jerry, no more jokes about cows and milk....
I'm lactose intolerant.
Hey Monte....I don`t like people that don`t have toes.....So i`m also ...lack -toes intolerant....
-
And Jerry "nails" it again, holy cow!!
-
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me, son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the crapouta them 1st!”
-
(Okay, I'm early.... or late, okay?)
Anyway as a public service I thought all y'all would like to know that a recent survey has proven conclusively that women with large backsides outlive men who mention it to them.
-
where did Noah put all of the bees??? ............... In the ark hives.. :cheers:
-
One whole week for that???.
:-o Jerry.
-
Hey Mike...............The Old woman that lived in a shoe was not the sole owner...There were strings attached.
-
My brother in law fell in to an upholstery machine...........He`s recovered now
-
Why couldn't the flower ride a bicycle?
Because the petals fell off!
-
Why couldn't the flower ride a bicycle?
Because the petals fell off!
Wasn`t because it was two-tired ?????
-
What did the rabbit buy his wife for their anniversary?
A 24 carrott ring.
-
Why couldn't the flower ride a bicycle?
Because the petals fell off!
Wasn`t because it was two-tired ?????
Jerry, please leaf me alone!
-
Why couldn't the flower ride a bicycle?
Because the petals fell off!
Wasn`t because it was two-tired ?????
Jerry, please leaf me alone!
That`s me Monte....A stalk-er
-
Why couldn't the flower ride a bicycle?
Because the petals fell off!
Wasn`t because it was two-tired ?????
Jerry, please leaf me alone!
That`s me Monte....A stalk-er
After that remark, I bee pollen my hair out, trying to think of a comeback.
-
Why couldn't the flower ride a bicycle?
Because the petals fell off!
Wasn`t because it was two-tired ?????
Jerry, please leaf me alone!
That`s me Monte....A stalk-er
After that remark, I bee pollen my hair out, trying to think of a comeback.
Stay grounded...You`ll get to the root of the problem...............Gotta go..Soil-long
-
My head just exploded......I got nuthin!
-
Gee, when you motivate Jerry he can go.
Jerry Dangerfield :-D
-
Why was the rancher`s sheep purple?? He herded it through the grapevine....................
-
Wrong Color Suit
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they ...always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
-
I was walking by the refrigerator last night and I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gee song,
but when I opened the door it was just a chive talkin!
-
Monte and the rest of you goofballs:
While the rule doesn't specify the type of jokes, I'd sure like to see more long ones -0 - like the "Wrong Suit" just above here. I understand and enjoy the puns - please don't get me wrong. Butt - and this is a really big butt (as opposed to the lady that sings at the end and beginning of the game) would you try to find some more involved jokes, please?
Okay - coffee break's over - back on your heads, everyone.
-
Whaaaatttt? Jokes to "slim" for your taste, SSS?
Frankly I was just lamenting that my other humor list serves don't have the jocularity of the rapid fire back and forth of LR's humor pages. The plethora (look it up, okay?) of one liners makes my day.
-
OK Slim
-
Awww, Slim - you cut poor Jerry off at his knees. :cry:
And just as we were starting to see eye to eye . . .
-
I have always thought the most impressive thing about Jerry is just how "punny" he is!
-
After Monday & Tuesday even the calender says W.T.F.
-
I guess I shouldn't have come down so hard. Keep at it, ladies and germs. I'm sorry - but still would like more good stories as well as the puns.
There -- is that better?
-
This one's for you, SSS:
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah.'
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'
:cheers:
Mike
-
I guess I shouldn't have come down so hard. Keep at it, ladies and germs. I'm sorry - but still would like more good stories as well as the puns.
There -- is that better?
Thank you Jon...As you know, I have a short attention sp.................hey look ! a squirrel !!
-
(Q) A clerk in a butcher shop stands 5` 11 and wears a size 13 shoe. What does he weigh???.....(A)...Meat :cheers:
-
Wife is washing the hubby’s pants on the 1st of May when she empties the pockets and finds a note with the name “Ginny 3rd” on it in his hand writing.
The misses walks into the den and slaps the piss out of the old boy.
Hubby: What was that for?
Wife: What is this and who is “Ginny 3rd”?
Hubby: Oh honey, that is a tip on a horse in the third race that a buddy gave me.
Two days go by when the phone rings.
The misses walks into the den and slaps the piss out of the old boy again!
Hubby: What was that for?
Misses: Your horse is on the phone!
-
The convent needed a new roof. Mother Superior contacts a roofing contractor and makes the proper arrangements. The day they
arrive to start tearing off the old roofing it is sunny and hot. As the men are working the nuns can hear them as they cuss, swear
and generally talk like construction workers are prone to do. While the nuns are trying to conduct the daily prayer session all this
cursing and noise finally gets to the Mother Superior. She goes outside to have a chat with the foreman. "Sir, your men and their
foul language are really making it difficult for us to have the right spirit inside the convent, could you please have them tone it down"?
The foreman says, "Well Mother Superior, you know how construction workers are, they call a spade a spade".
She replied, "No they don't....they call it a f%*#ing shovel!"
-
Time for someone to type out the Nuns and the Blind guy joke..............
-
Don't look at me. I've already done my nun joke.
I don't got nun more.
-
Slim will slap your knuckles with a ruler for that one .................. :evil:
-
I know it`s not your...habit...to let things like that go Monte........................
-
Thanks guys for getting this thread back on track after SSS sidetracked it with wanting to see long jokes... the ones that go in the other threads....
Jerry, ya shoulda told him its called Stupid joke Friday for a reason.... stupid one liners required :cheers:
-
My uncle was in the army and survived both mustard gas and pepper spray.
He refers to himself as "a seasoned veteran".
-
SGT. Pepper maybe?. :-D
-
I think that response was soda funny!
-
Spiced my morning up!
-
Thyme will tell... :-D
-
I'm relishishing the fact that some of you have mustard the courage to ketchup with me!
Where are you Jerry?
-
Just pouring salt into the wound aren`t you Monte???......So anyway...Two nuns are told to clean the convent for a Papal visit and decide to do it whilst naked ( so as not to soil their habits) About the time they begin comes a sharp knock at the door " Who is it " ? inquires Sister Mary Catherine " ` Tis I Jacob, The Blind Man " comes a reply. feeling no fear of discovery the nun opens the door and Jacob says ..." Hey sister...NICE t*ts...Which windows are the blinds going on" ?
-
The guys at work are asking me why I am laughing so hard.
-
Back when I was just a wee little floydjer, My dad would always say " Pardon my French" if he swore in front of me. Imagine the look on my 2nd grade teachers` face when she asked if any of us spoke another language and my hand went up................ :cheers:
-
If my nose were 12 inches long....Would it be a foot ???? :cheers:
-
Did I mention my pet duck has a drug problem?? ....He`s addicted to quack................
-
Went for my routine checkup today, and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt.
So I'm looking for a new dentist.
-
Sticky way for that to ...end.. Chris. Just take it on the cheek and don`t be down in the mouth....................
-
Incompetent. He performed the procedure backwards, which left a bad taste in my mouth.
-
" Hole " new meaning to Knuckle sandwich..................................
-
That has to be a real "bummer"!
-
Let's have the plumbers crack open the subject so we can get to the seat of the issue. Otherwise I'll get really bummed.
-
I knew we could drag you down to our level Jon :cheers:
-
It`s difficult to explain puns to a kleptomaniac...They take things..Literally :cheers:
-
Know why you never see elephants hiding in trees??? Because they are REALLY good at it..................
-
Do you know how to stop a stampeding elephant? You cut off his stampeder :-o
-
Do you know how to stop a stampeding elephant? You cut off his stampeder :-o
Would you happen to know the going rate ....foreskin??? :cheers:
-
My grandfather was a farmer. He was always bragging about his "magic" tractor.
When I asked him why it was magic, he said "every time I drive it, it turns into a field".
-
Which, Of course...left Monte`s grand dad ...Out standing in his field........................
-
I think that made me furrow my brow!
-
Sounds to me like a bunch of crop.
-
Jerry, you have planted more seeds.
-
My apologies, I was plowed when I posted that.
-
I `ear ya
-
Shucks, I thought you were stalking me.
-
takes a while till you can cultivate a fine row of puns like these..................
-
Sorry, I'm having a drought.
-
...Just stay grounded and plow on through........................
-
We always knew that Jerry is full of fertilizer!
-
But did you know Monte`s grand dad was going to buy a poultry farm??? ..........he chickened out............
-
reminds me of the time I tried my hand at cow milking....ended up straining a calf.................
-
I know a farmer that built a tractor comletely from fallen trees on his land...............It wooden go...................
-
I've been staying in a seedy hotel after receiving a Deere John letter from my comcubine
-
Reminds me of the sadistic farmer.....He raised only beets................( I`m out,,,Have work to do)
-
This has been a very harrowing experience for me. (I have no work that I wish to do) :evil:
-
I once had a job circumcising elephants. The pay wasn't great, but the tips were tremendous
-
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
-
Walking by the state prison the other day and I saw a midget escaping over the wall. Just as he hit the ground he turned and sneered at me...I thought to myself " That`s a little condescending" :cheers:
-
Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . .it's women who make it hard.
-
Walking by the state prison the other day and I saw a midget escaping over the wall. Just as he hit the ground he turned and sneered at me...I thought to myself " That`s a little condescending" :cheers:
This explains why the DEA was out back of the Pommy Pygmy Playhouse with their bloodhounds and their searchlights, pounding on the door.
That's my ne'er-do-well brother, the Muskegon Midget.
Momma tried . . .
-
It has finally occured to me that midgets and dwarfs,
have very little in common.
-
What is the best part of living in Switzerland?
I'm not really sure, but the flag is a big plus.
-
My apologies to all that were offended by my lack of political correctness in my previous post.....It`s not a "Prison"...It is a " Correctional Facility".......... :evil:
-
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out man!
-
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
G, that's a good one. Thanks man. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
My apologies to all that were offended by my lack of political correctness in my previous post.....It`s not a "Prison"...It is a " Correctional Facility".......... :evil:
On behalf of Midgets everywhere, that's mighty big of you. :cheers:
-
.................My kindness is dwarfed by yours Chris..............
-
What is the difference betwen ignorance and apathy???.. I don`t know and I don`t care.....Hey !! You know why ducks fly south for the winter??? Because it`s too far to walk...! :cheers:
-
You're quacking me up. :roll:
-
Jerry, Jerry!!!
Is that all you've got?. :-D :-D :-D
-
OMG! A duck joke from the prismatic mallard.
-
OMG! A duck joke from the prismatic mallard.
Prismatic?!?! As in relating to prisms?
I thought we determined that they were correctional facilities?
I see there's a new flexible glass used for lens making. You can bend it and adjust the width of the color bands.
Now I can fold some prism blues.
Wait, ducks are made of wood!
Jerry, do you float?
-
I owe you two for those....just put it on my bill.......................
-
I owe you two for those....just put it on my bill.......................
I would think twice about that, he could be a flight risk.
-
OK....Wade a minute...I`m not down with duck puns on the web...I`m calling a fowl...............
-
Surprised you guys haven`t flocked to this one....And no Peking..............
-
Your Daffy if you think I`m just winging it.............
-
It seems as if "Stupid joke Friday" has headed South.
-
Now that's what I'm talking about!. :-D
-
Do midget hookers charge half price?
-
^^^^^ no,,, and they get their nose in everybodies business also ,,,,,
-
What do gay horses eat??
HAAAAAAAYYYY!! :-D
-
Do midget hookers charge half price?
Seeing as my wife reads this from time to time, the correct answer to that question is -
"I have no idea."
-
Do you know why the gay deer go to the Elks Lodge on Saturday night?
To blow a few bucks.
-
It just occured to me that the reason Cinderella didn't make the basketball team
was because she had a pumkin for a coach.
-
Hey -- did you hear about the constipated plumber? He worked it out with a pipe wrench.
-
Strange, my plumber uses a snake. :mrgreen:
-
My accountant uses a pencil.
-
Back in the olden days a constipated scientist would have worked it out with a slide rule.
-
The local metal-fab guy uses a hammer and a Dolly.
-
Just got home from fishing......................My buddy tried to show me pics of his kids and I dropped his wallet into the lake....a big ol` fish came by and grabbed it...he swam a few feet and passed it to another fish....Who then swam a few feet and passed it off again. First time in my 56 years I`ve ever seen..... Carp to carp- walleting. (whole new scale to this thread)
-
That one floored me.
-
Looked, swam, and smelled fishy to me............
Ed
-
It sounded like a "pile" to me, I'm sure he was "stretching" it a bit.
-
Shortest shaggy dog story I've heard in a long time.
-
NEWS FLASH....Thieves broke in to the Skandia ,Mich. Police Dept. and stole the toilets. Cops have nothing to go on................. :cheers:
-
Ha, ha, hah! The joke's on you, Jerry. There's no such thing as a Skandia Police Department. The Marquette County Sheriff sends a car down our way once in a while.
Now for a true story: A few years ago I was talking with one of the deputies ( a brother-in-law of my daughter). He asked where we live and I told him that we're on the Dukes Road. He raised his eyebrows and said "We've never been down that road. Never had a call to go there. I'll check with the State Troopers and see if they know where it is."
Ah, the beauty of isolation. :cheers:
-
Oh yeah??...Well then...A Neutron walks in to a bar and orders a beer....Bartender sets the drink down and the neutron asks " How much"? bartender says " For you..??....No charge "
-
Oh yeah??...Well then...A Neutron walks in to a bar and orders a beer....Bartender sets the drink down and the neutron asks " How much"? bartender says " For you..??....No charge "
That was positively appropriate for SJF!
-
..........I know...This thread feels like ohm to me.................
-
Cop joke reminded me of announcement made at New York National Speedway during downtime circa 1968....
Police have found a stolen car with a case of beer in the trunk in the parking lot, they have no leads but are working on the case.
Funny when I was 14, now at almost 60, it's still a little funny :-)
-
I hope no one comes by with negative comments.
-
Well the one thing we all know about Jerry.....every Friday he gets all amp 'd up. Shocking I know!
-
Just had my morning coffee and I'm currently wired.
-
That completed the circuit... coffee, SJF, laugh
-
You guys need to lighten up on the current jokes...Take a break er....They are getting terminal. Stay grounded...............I know Monte...I`m a SJF ...fixture. :cheers: ( switch subjects?)
-
Watt are you talking about?
-
Easy guys, SSS has a short Fuse... it could blow at any time
-
He`s OK Bob....It was just a phase he was going through.......................
-
'Shunt' we be 'excited' when this 'series winds' down. or is it 'paralleled'
elsewhere?
Ron
-
He`s OK Bob....It was just a phase he was going through.......................
Maybe more than a single phase.... possibly 3
-
We can rectify this by being direct - I know I'm tired of alternating.
-
I`m amazed at watt this has generated...........
-
I`m amazed at watt this has generated...........
. . . despite the resistance.
-
Don't worry, it's been rectified.
-
I have been severely jolted by the alternating current on this thread. However, I re-fuse to come up short. But I suppose it is
possible that SSS will install a lockout on me.
-
Did the guy that created the knock-knock joke get a" no bell prize"??? :cheers:
-
Did the guy that created the knock-knock joke get a" no bell prize"??? :cheers:
I don't think he did, but he was a dead ringer for the guy that invented the door knocker.
-
I guess I'm late with the electric joke thread, but that's because I'm usually full of reluctance and not very reactive.
-
Do you know what has 4 legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.
-
Which one does he lift?. :-D
-
Did the guy that created the knock-knock joke get a" no bell prize"??? :cheers:
I don't think he did, but he was a dead ringer for the guy that invented the door knocker.
Wasn`t he related to the arm-less guy who`s face rung a bell???
-
The above post is the sole property of Floydjer and does not reflect the views of the owners of Landracing.com or any other rational thinking human beings for that matter.
-
That's the first time that I've heard the owner of landracing.com called a rational thinking human. Just sayin'. :-D
Mike
-
Hunh? I'll take a ration of thinking before I figure out that one, Mike.
-
Quick Friday change-up - before it's Saturday.
A punk rock mockery from the Pommy Pigmy Playhouse - complete with bad English accents . . .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxgCbG_3OhE
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Ok. Back to Big Joe Wiiliams.
-
Last night my wife and I were having some wine.
I heard her say "I love you so much. I don't know what I'd do without you."
I asked "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said "That's me talking to the wine."
-
Patrick Dolan was nearing his 18th birthday and very excited about the family tradition.
His father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day they'd all walked across the lake to the pub for their first legal drink.
On his birthday Pat and his mate Mick took a boat and rowed out to the middle of lake.
Pat stepped off the boat and nearly drowned. Mick grabbed him and and barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused Pat went to see his grandmother.
Grandma, Tis my 18th birthday so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father and his father before him????.
Grandma looked deeply into his troubled eyes and said "Because they were all born in December when the lake is frozen. You were born in July you fookin idiot"!!!!!!.
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Now, now, boys. You can see by the subject line that this is the topic for FRIDAY jokes. if you want to post jokes on any other day of the week you should at least do so using the other joke topic.
Of course, maybe it's already Friday in South Africa. :roll:
-
I was about to ask Jerry for an intervention :cheers:
-
Now, now, boys. You can see by the subject line that this is the topic for FRIDAY jokes. if you want to post jokes on any other day of the week you should at least do so using the other joke topic.
Of course, maybe it's already Friday in South Africa. :roll:
Sorry Jon, my bad. I jumped too soon. It's Thursday here. It would be cool if I was two days ahead. :-D :-D :-D
-
I was about to ask Jerry for an intervention :cheers:
Thanks Bob....For a moment or two I thought my black-out days had returned ...............
-
A horse walks in to a bar and the bartender says " Hey" !!...The horse says " Sure " :cheers:
-
What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
-
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend on the way to the restroom?
-
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend on the way to the restroom?
Same cannibal that was playing cards and threw-up a good hand ?????
-
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend on the way to the restroom?
:-o
What - in the hallway?
That's disgusting!
Cannibals just can't keep their Subaru together.
-
After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, "no hablo ingles".
-
Chris...You mean they can`t ........." Keep their poop in a group " ????
-
I guess one of the cannibal's friends was.......Gomer Pyle?
-
Cannibals don't eat clowns. They taste funny.
-
FINALLY.....A new guy that understands how this thread works. Bravo :cheers:
-
Clowns make me choak
-
Chris...You mean they can`t ........." Keep their poop in a group " ????
Here in lies the problem - and we need to be politically correct here.
We're making broad, derogatory, wide paint-brush statements about a minority group based on their dietary choices and traditions.
So I humbly apologize to any cannibal who has taken offense to our recent series of jokes.
You know, on second thought . . .
EAT ME!
-
What's purple and almost conquered the world?
Alexander the Grape.
-
What did the baby computer say to it's father?
Data!
-
When congress was asking Ford executives what they thought about all the problems at GM,
Their response was......we don't recall!!!
-
Chris...You mean they can`t ........." Keep their poop in a group " ????
Here in lies the problem - and we need to be politically correct here.
We're making broad, derogatory, wide paint-brush statements about a minority group based on their dietary choices and traditions.
So I humbly apologize to any cannibal who has taken offense to our recent series of jokes.
You know, on second thought . . .
EAT ME!
Your biting sarcasm is hard to swallow...................///////////
-
Chris...You mean they can`t ........." Keep their poop in a group " ????
Here in lies the problem - and we need to be politically correct here.
We're making broad, derogatory, wide paint-brush statements about a minority group based on their dietary choices and traditions.
So I humbly apologize to any cannibal who has taken offense to our recent series of jokes.
You know, on second thought . . .
EAT ME!
Your biting sarcasm is hard to swallow...................///////////
I'll have to chew on this comment a bit before I pass judgment.
-
............It is rather difficult to stomach..........
-
You guys keep making cannibal jokes, you could end up in hot water.
-
Somebody get a Mr Microphone for the new guy....He fits right in :cheers: ( And that was not just....lip service )
-
Cannibals capture three racers on safari. They are told they will be killed, eaten and their skins will be made into canoes. The first, a NASCAR guy, asks to be killed quickly and painlessly, poison preferred. The second, an NHRA type, asks for a pen and paper so he can write one last letter. After watching the demise of the other two being killed, eaten and their skins stretched over canoe frames, the third and last, a land speed racer, asks for a fork. The cannibals, confused looks on their faces, give him a fork where he begins stabbing himself all over yelling “F U and your canoes, see if I float now!”
-
The two cannibals were talking about last night's feast. One of 'em asked the other if he'd had a good time - and the second guy said:
"I had a ball!"
-
A cargo plane full of Pepsi crashes in the new Guinea highlands. A week later the search party from the coast finds the wreckage. They ask the local chief "Have you seen the crew?" He says "Yea. We ate them." The search party leader says "That is terrible. Is there anything of theirs we can bring back to the families?" The chief replies "We did not eat their penises. Normally we would, but things go better with Coke."
-
What did Jeffrey Dahmer's mom tell him?.
If you open that fridge heads are gonna roll.
-
What did Jeffery Dalhmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
Are you gonna eat that?
-
Matter and antimatter exist side by side. Monday is antiFriday so they both exist at the same time in parallel universes. This is a Friday joke over there.
The photon checked into the hotel. The clerk signed him in and said "Where's your luggage?" The photon sez, "I have none. I am traveling light."
-
Loreana Bobbits ex husband,,, is now the sales rep. for Snap on tools !!!!!!
-
Hmmmmmm......................Tuesday................................
-
C'moon, girls and boys -- no, wait a minnit, it's just the boys in this case. This thread is for Fridays, remember? Remember the hassles that I, your undeserving hard-working head handlebar holder received when you'd put your lame-o ideas of what you think is funny scattered all over hither and yon in the forum? Remember that stuff? Well, maybe you don't 'cause i got lots of it in my personal inbox and you all were not privy to it. but I remember it, that's for sure.
If you've got to put up some hare-brained scheme or what-you-think is-a-witticism -- either save it for Fridays or put it in one of the other "joke" threads.
Hey, I'm tempted to make up a place for Monte and Jerry to post their one-liners and also a place for lousy puns. Whaddaya tink of dat? :-o :-o
-
Dat's fair.
It's Friday here already so please don't push me off my bike?.
For Sale by owner.
Full set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $300 OBO.
No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows everything.
-
Hmmm...Books???......................I heard on the radio that a fire broke out in the library of the University of Michigan...Thousands of books were lost and some hadn`t even been colored in yet... :cheers:
-
The poilice just called and said they want me at the station by 3 p.m. for an interview....Which is strange because I don`t remember putting in an application........................ :?
-
Hmmm...Books???......................I heard on the radio that a fire broke out in the library of the University of Michigan...Thousands of books were lost and some hadn`t even been colored in yet... :cheers:
Were any of them red
finally back on track :-D
-
Once again.....Bob shows the kiddies " How it`s done" :cheers: Bravo !
-
In reference to Stainless' note above, What's black and white and re(a)d all over?
Books, a newspaper, an embarrassed zebra, and so on. You are welcome to add a few.
-
I haven't verified this on Snopes, but a lakester driver tole me so it must be true....
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
-
No Jim.....Men die sooner because we WANT to.................. :cheers:
-
Are divorces are so expensive because they are worth it?
-
Slim, you will have to forgive me, I know it is not yet Friday, but since I will be out on the salt tomorrow. Here goes.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles!
-
OMG that was bad. Go to the salt and go NOW!
-
How do you find out if a girl is tickelish ???? Give her a couple of test tickles !!!!
-
WIFE FROM HELL…
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic fine.'
The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
' WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part)
'Only when he's been drinking'
-
Out of love and respect for the GREATEST NATION ON EARTH...................What was the most popular dance in 1776????...The Indepen-Dance :cheers:
-
Riding in my buddy Dan`s truck yesterday and we came to an intersection..The light was red...he sped up and drove right through..I screamed like a little girl and he said " My brother Joe does it all the time"..Next light..same thing. We continued on our merry way and came to another light..green this time. Danno came to a complete stop. I said" The light is green"..He said " I know....My brother might be coming from the other way................." :cheers:
-
How does NASA throw a party?
They planet!
-
How does NASA throw a party?
They planet!
Now THAT..........Is what this....space..is for. :cheers:
-
Its...out of this world
-
Slim just called...he said he`s going to ............." cram that pun up Uranus" :cheers:
-
My cat has decided to join the Police Dept. ........He`s always wanted a job in claw enforcement :cheers:
-
A farmer is milking his cow. He looks up just in time to see a fly land in the cows ear. A short time later he sees a fly in the
milk pail.
He says to himself, "Hmph, in one ear and out the udder".
-
oaky, a duck walks into a pharmacy and says "gimme some chap stick and put it on my bill".
-
OK, enough of the weeeeeek puns (Monte).
Now for something REEEELEEE funny.... unless, of course, you're one of the participants:
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/KBxSntGGm8U?rel=0
-
I have no beef with Monte `s puns......................
-
What... you find them ear-resistible in the way they milk this thread?
-
Jerry and Jim....
Cream rises to the top!
-
Well I'll be, Mon-Tee. That's cream up there? :roll:
And here I thought the white stuff peaking out from under your ball cap was from landing on your head on the salt for so many years.
Didn't know it's because y'all are speshul.
Guess I better ask for your autograph next time I see ya'.
:-D
-
Lights run on electricity, cars run on gas...My cat runs on his feet. ( just moo-ving away from the cow puns) :cheers:
-
The technology involved in making a crash helmet goes over my head............................
-
The technology involved in making a crash helmet goes over my head............................
Hats off to you Jerry...that was a good one.
-
Just keep that one under your cap......I`ll bill you for it later :cheers:
-
A job cleaning mirrors.............. A career I can see myself in.
-
Contrary to the popular myth, Slim's ancestors were not Vikings, but Northern Atlantic Pirates, whose conquests included Norway, Greenland, parts of Wisconsin and Minnesota.
Great warriors at sea, the Slimites were less adept at land conquests.
In 947 AD, many of his ancestors were wiped out by a descending horde of the Swiss Army, who, armed only with knives and corkscrews, sunk the entire Slimite fleet, leaving them no escape, and at the mercy of the Swiss.
The moral of the story . . .
If you live by the fjord, you will surely die by the fjord.
-
"I finally met the perfect girl.
I couldn't ask for more.
She's deaf and dumb and oversexed
And owns a liquor store. :|
This from a guy that doesn't drink alcohol and has Nancy for a wife - but still, it's a good line. I got it from a mid-60s comedy 4-track tape of Woody Woodbury.
-
"Woody Woodbury?" what's next Jon, "Rusty Warren"? :evil:
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Woody Woodbury? Rusty Warren?
Seems there are some old copulators here . . . .
-
Where does a bee stop for gas and to take a leak? At a BP station.
-
"Woody Woodbury?" what's next Jon, "Rusty Warren"? :evil:
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
Neil.....Gene Tracy :cheers:
-
I think I know how batteries feel...I`m rarely included in anything.... :cheers:
-
what do you call dangerous precipitation??/ Rain of Terror...............Did I mention that a stack of books fell on my head??? I only have my shelf to blame...............................
-
and a bigamist is an Italian fog?
-
Not a joke, but the best I could do for today....
What is: More powerful than God,
More evil than the Devil,
Rich people need it,
Poor people have it?
-
Not a joke, but the best I could do for today....
What is: More powerful than God,
More evil than the Devil,
Rich people need it,
Poor people have it?
-
trickydicky........right answer!
-
:cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
In light of the weather to my west.............................I hear it rained cats and dogs...Hopefully no reindeer..............speaking of raining cats and dogs..Try not to step in the poodles... :cheers: Maybe you guys could walk around on a stack of old books??? The Tomes that Dry Men`s Soles..????? :?
-
As I think about it, this does give new meaning to the term being "waved" off by the starter.
Jerry, I may try to float some new jokes by you today, they could possibly launch you in a new direction.
-
Monte.....Why knot????..( I know...rudderly ridiculous) :cheers:
-
Jerry, you keel me with these one liners! Every once in a while, one sails over my head.
-
Boy... dredging them up from the deep.
-
I do knot think this line of jokes will help anchor the Friday thread. Most folks will coil in fear that it will stay in this list. Let's lock our gimbals, change our heading and plot a new course...
-
Done a fair amount of sailing in my time. Saw a LOT of stainless over the years. Didn't (thankfully) have to listen to ANY of it though. If I had had to listen to this, I probably would have walked the plank all on my own - ("lock our gimbals"???)
Arrrrgh!
-
Loose gear adrift sounding............... :roll:
-
From my sister in Switzerland:
"
She checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. she pickd up the phone and started dialing.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? " Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?" He said,
"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
-
I got my arm broken in two places.....Doctor says I should stay out of those places.................
-
Guy walks into a bar carrying a chunk of asphalt...says " two beers...One for me and one for the road..... :cheers:
-
Know how to keep bacon from curling????...Take away their little brooms :evil:
-
Carnac the Magnificant
Holds the sealed envelope to his forehead........."The answer is: Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, and Speedweek 2014".
-
He tears open the envelope and reads the question: "Name the three most important disappearing acts in the world".
-
And the question is:
What famous people and event have been declared missing at sea?
-
Jon, your question was much better than mine!
-
From Peter, a buddy in Switzerland:
"A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL, LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people, found themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly,
he in the upper berth and she in the lower
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would
you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f....n’ blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End. "
-
Why did the policeman smell???...Because he was " On duty"....!!!
-
How does the Man on the Moon cut his hair???......Eclipse it.............. :evil:
-
Never trust an atom...they make up everything!
-
Whatever you do always give 100%....unless you are donating blood.
-
What do you call a retriever that does magic tricks???..A Labracadabrador..............
-
A Photon checks into a hotel...The clerk asks if he needs help w/ his bags and the photon say " No...I`m travelling light ...."
-
What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back?.
a Stick
-
What do you call a retriever that does magic tricks???..A Labracadabrador..............
Sometimes I swear this thread goes to the dogs!
Other times I think it is spot on...
-
What do you call a retriever that does magic tricks???..A Labracadabrador..............
Sometimes I swear this thread goes to the dogs!
Other times I think it is spot on...
I think you should take that pun and....setter..over there..... :cheers:
-
The downside to dog puns on a computer is that their bark is worse than their byte . . .
-
I think both of you should take a paws.
-
I think both of you should take a paws.
We gots to gets 'em in this week, Monte -
You and I will be way too busy next Friday! :cheers:
-
I think both of you should take a paws.
I'll chew on it a little bit first...I am not sure your advice passes the sniff test.
-
I just caught the tail of this and it`s getting...ruff.. ( bone appetit )
-
I just caught the tail of this and it`s getting...ruff.. ( bone appetit )
Doggone it Jerry, don't be such a b***h! :-D
-
I just caught the scent of this and I'm knot sure but it could be heat related. :evil:
-
I just caught the tail of this and it`s getting...ruff.. ( bone appetit )
Doggone it Jerry, don't be such a b***h! :-D
You don`t have to be such a....heel :cheers:
-
I just caught the tail of this and it`s getting...ruff.. ( bone appetit )
Doggone it Jerry, don't be such a b***h! :-D
You don`t have to be such a....heel :cheers:
I bet most people would agree...you are barking mad!
-
I just caught the tail of this and it`s getting...ruff.. ( bone appetit )
Doggone it Jerry, don't be such a b***h! :-D
You don`t have to be such a....heel :cheers:
I bet most people would agree...you are barking mad!
Now you`re starting to ..tick me off................
-
I just caught the tail of this and it`s getting...ruff.. ( bone appetit )
Doggone it Jerry, don't be such a b***h! :-D
You don`t have to be such a....heel :cheers:
I bet most people would agree...you are barking mad!
Now you`re starting to ..tick me off................
Keep this up and you will worm your way right into my heart....
-
Worm ????.....I think I have that on tape...................
-
I decided to learn sign language..I figure it may come in handy :cheers:
-
I quit my part time job as a circus juggler....just don`t have the balls for it.................. :evil:
-
Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot, which left him with heavily calloused feet. He also was vegetarian and generally ate very little, which resulted in weak health and bad breath. All of this made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Thank you, I'll be here all week.
-
Sabat www.instantrimshot.com You`re welcome :cheers:
-
When I heard this joke, I knew just where to post it :cheers:
-
Alright gents, here we go...
Little Johnny is sitting on a park bench eating candy bars. One right after the other, really mowing them down. About that time a little old man walks up and takes a seat next to Johnny and says, "Johnny, you sure are eating an awful lot of candy bars, should you be doing that?" to which Johnny replies, "Sir, my grandfather lived to be 95 years old." The little old man asked, "Did he eat that much candy?" Johnny swiftly answers, "I don't know sir, but he did learn to mind his own d@mn business."
-
I`ve decided to move my dry-cleaning business next to a convent....In case the sisters have any dirty habits.........................
-
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
-
A hot blonde ordered a double entendre at the bar. The bar tender gave it to her.
-
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
Math jokes are a sine of madness...............
-
What do you call an excited right corner???.....An erectangle..............
-
what do you call a boring porpoise ???...A Dull-fin :cheers:
-
Guy walked up to me and said " Your voice sounds like an owl`s" ..and I replied " Who" ??? :evil:
-
I've been sitting on these for two weeks, they need to be let loose...
1. Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
2. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, they're efficient and not very funny.
5. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not going to come.
6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.
7. What's green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints.
10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. It runs in our jeans.
12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building and yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!".
13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar. The bartender gave it to her.
14. Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
15. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.
17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag - You can hide but you can't run.
18. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
19. And the Lord said unto John "Come fourth and you will receive eternal life". But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.
21. Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.
22. I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
23. The first rule of Alzheimer's club, is don't talk about chess club.
24. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
25. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
-
Geeeeez...I`d wager you like strippers to take it all off at once too...Pace yourself :cheers:
-
Jerry, you've got competition now :-o
Thrilla in Manilla or Rumble in the Duck Pond??. :-D
-
Mike....You quack me up... :cheers:Anyway...Two cows are standing around chatting when one cow says " Hey, today is the day we get artificaly insemenated" and the other cow says " Really??..No bull"? :-D
-
There was a tap on my door this morning
My plumber has a strange sense of humor.....
-
Deja Moo.....The feeling that you`ve heard this bull before :cheers:
-
hey wait a minute....heard??...Bull?....I made a funny !!!!
-
hey wait a minute....heard??...Bull?....I made a funny !!!!
After 57 years, it's ABOUT TIME!
Happy Birthday, floydjr! :cheers:
-
hey wait a minute....heard??...Bull?....I made a funny !!!!
Jerry, that was terri-bull !
PS. Happy Birthday!
-
Thank you gentlemen................Monte...stop horning in on my puns. :cheers:
-
Happy Birthday Floydjer. Another year, this is incredi-bull!!!!
Ron
-
Happy Birthday Jerry!!!!!! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
Thank you gentlemen................Monte...stop horning in on my puns. :cheers:
Jerry, I have to make sure you don't 'steer' others towards the dark side!
-
Since it is your birthday today Jerry.... We should refer to you as the "Honora-bull" Birthday Boy Jerry!
-
Wow....Time for me to hoof it out of here...............
-
Hey Jerry, happy birthday...
Just remember when the chips are down... be careful where you step
Time to moooove on.
-
I picked up my new pet camel !! He doesn`t have a hump, So I named him Humphrey.................
-
I went to the zoo the other day. It was completely empty of animals except for one dog.... it was a Shih Tzu.
-
So...The zoo was..... un-bear-able ????
-
So...The zoo was..... un-bear-able ????
**sigh**
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-
It`s good to be King :lol:
-
That's no lion!
-
Who let Monte out of his cage?? Whoever you are...I hope you are koala-fied to put him back :cheers:
-
Who let Monte out of his cage?? Whoever you are...I hope you are koala-fied to put him back :cheers:
Go ahead and lock me up.....I will use my mon key to get right back out!!!
-
Stay out of my flowers if you get out.....especially the..chimp-pansies.
-
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".
-
Did you buy Humphrey at the Camelot?
-
(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee171/4-BarrelMike/Miscellaneous%20stuff/rotfl.gif)
-
will6er, that one came very close to going right over my head. It took 4-barrel Mikes's laugh before I recalled Humphrey and it all made sense. I was starting to be afraid senility was winning out! :-D :-D :-D :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Pete
-
I suppose that if you have to explain it to me
I'll still never understand.
I'll just go back to reading my Capt. Marvel comic book.
FREUD
I admit. i am getting OLD.
-
Freud:
See reply #2064 on the previous page.
Mike
-
I suppose that if you have to explain it to me
I'll still never understand.
I'll just go back to reading my Capt. Marvel comic book.
FREUD
I admit. i am getting OLD.
Not so quick Freud! You're just ageing gracefully like fine wine. :-D :-D :-D
Pete
-
First, I apologize that this isn't Friday. It's sadderday (for all who read this, I'm afraid).
Knowing that many of us land speed racers (and fans) are old enough to know better,
I thought that this one might not be wasted on you:
2001: A Space Odyssey was written by Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke. Can you
imagine what it would be like if it had been written by Cheech and Chong? . . .
"Open the pod bay door, HAL. I brought back Frank's body, that you sent flying off
into space. You killed him, HAL."
"Who is it at the pod bay door?"
"It's me -- Dave. Open the door, HAL."
"Dave?"
"Yeah."
"Dave's not here."
-
A cowboy saunters into a German car showroom and he says: “Audi!”
I went to the record shop and I said: “What have you got by The Doors?”
He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket.”
I went down the local supermarket, I said: “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it.”
He said: “Those are pickled onions"
Robin
-
i`m trying to cross-pollinate poison ivy with clover...hopefully I`ll get a rash of good luck............
-
Might take my cat bowling....He is an alley cat................. :cheers:
-
2001: A Space Odyssey was written by Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke. Can you
imagine what it would be like if it had been written by Cheech and Chong? . . .
"Open the pod bay door, HAL. I brought back Frank's body, that you sent flying off
into space. You killed him, HAL."
"Who is it at the pod bay door?"
"It's me -- Dave. Open the door, HAL."
"Dave?"
"Yeah."
"Dave's not here."
Now THAT is Brilliant!
-
I `m so old that everytime I see a young girl my heart races and my pacemaker opens the garage door..............
-
Speaking of old....This old guy is sitting in his wheel chair outside the nursing home when a bird lands and takes a dump on his head. His nurse attendant tells him to sit still and she will go get some toilet papar. the old geezer says " Don`t bother, By the time you return that bird will be a mile away........... :cheers:
-
What sport do you play with a Wombat?
Wom.
-
I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
Robin
-
What sport do you play with a Wombat?
Wom. I played that in school...The object is to hit him in his ...meat-balls
-
What sport do you play with a Wombat?
Wom. I played that in school...The object is to hit him in his ...meat-balls
Jerry, I remember reading about you in Sports Illustrated, as the Wom state champion in Michigan. As I recall you are still the only person to make a hole in one!
-
Wasn`t me Monte...I played the sport of Golf-wrestling.......won an award for "Closest to the pin "
-
A guy showed up at a Haloween party with a woman laying over his shoulders like a shawl.
The host says, "I give up, what are you dressed up as"?
The guy replies,"I am a tortoise".
host, "ok, but what is with the woman"?
guy, "oh, this is Michelle".
-
...............was he a pirate????
-
I guess I should have spelled her name.....Myshell!!
-
I know, I know, it's a Bit early (at least here on the Big Rock, Wobbly), but..... Let The Thread Begin!
* * * NEWS FLASH * * *
Nancy Pelosi Sues Washington General Hospital for Mal Practice
It seems her husband went in for surgery, and ever since he has had no (as in None At All) desire for sex! (Can you believe it?)
So Nancy wants some compensation.
Oh, did I mention - hubby was in for cataract surgery and the operation was a complete success!
3, 2, 1.... Go!
-
what do you get when you cross a stream and a brook???......Wet feet :roll:
-
Cat puns freak meowt. Seriously, I am not kitten!
-
Is a Fortune Teller`s dance a crystal ball??
-
Cat puns freak meowt. Seriously, I am not kitten!
Those were purr-fect
-
I was feline good about posting that one.
-
I pawsitively will not be dragged into this one...........................
-
What's the matter, not feeling friskies today?
-
Let me guess, you have a claws in your contract that prevents you from further participation.
-
Un-fur-nately I do...So, If you`ll excuse me...I need to catch up on my litter-ature reading. :cheers:
-
Let's all paws for a moment to reflect on what Jerry has written...
-
BTW, where is Monte? I hope he isn't out on the catwalk again...or worse yet, lost his mouse.... I expected him to really sink his claws into this topic...
-
Not feeling very punny today. :|
-
Several years ago I took part in a family trip to our homeland of Ireland...Out for a boat ride w/ two members of my clan when all of a sudden..A great commotion `bout a hundred yards or so across the water...man was fighting like the dickens with what had to be the world`s largest bass. During the epic battle, Both oars dislodged themselves from the oar locks and floated away. he yelled across to Me..." Aye Mate, Might I be borrowin` one of yer oars" " To which I replied " They ain`t `ores...Ones me wife, The other is me sister" :cheers:
-
And if any of you feel a need to start in on fish puns, remember...Brevity is the...sole..of wit. :lol:
-
Who did the vampire take to the dance?
His ghoul friend of course. :roll:
-
What do you call a witch's garage?
A broom closet.
What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.
What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein
-
What was the Witch`s favorite subject in school?........Spelling.
-
This is so lame it's embarrassing......oh, wait a minute....
What's the best drink to serve at your Halloween party?
Ghoulade!
Have at it Jerry...
-
hmmmmm...Let`s see here...." Why DIDN`T the skeleton cross the road??? He didn`t have the guts.................
-
One for the women...
What do you call a mushroom with a 9 inch stem?
A funghi to be with.
-
Another for the ladies,
A gal asked me why I wasn't married, to which I replied "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" She quickly replied that she understood and said "Why buy a whole pig when all you need is a little sausage?"
-
Nice, guys. Thanks. :-D :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
Why do witches wear name tags?
So you can tell whitch witch is whitch!
-
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend.
-
At a restaurant, my two brothers headed for the men's room. I had to pee,
but I didn't want to go in there. I didn't want to end up in a circle jerk. But then I
realized, that was a stupid thing to be afraid of. It would be a TRIANGLE jerk! Duh!
-
The Biker and the Old Lady . . .
A big, dumb, but fairly good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
He needed to do some shopping, so on the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all these things home.
The feed store owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. You can follow me through my short cut down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
"Holy smokes, Lady!" the biker said. "I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
"Well," the lady said, "set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
-
A skeleton enters a saloon and says to the bartender:
I'd like a beer . . . and a mop!
-
A termite enters a saloon, and asks:
Where's the bar tender?
-
My brother won a prune-eating contest.
I said "David, you're a superstar!"
He replied "Nah, I'm just a regular guy."
-
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking, that scared the HELL out of me!
That does it!
After today, no more reading!
-
I heard that Cher is gonna get herself cloned.
It'll be Cher and Cher Alike.
-
Just a reminder.... TOMORROW is Stoopid Joke Floyd-Jer... errr... ummm Friday
-
let me show you how this works.........................A frog parked in no-parking zone and his car was... toad. :cheers:
-
What does a mother broom say to her baby brooms??? " Time for you to go to sweep " :wink:
-
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
-
A group of guys, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, and bodies.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they had never been there before and heard it was quite good.
-
SIGN IN A Campbeltown, Scotland STORE WINDOW:
'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.
You may say, “What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?”
Answer: A FUNERAL PARLOUR
WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?
= God Bless Scotland =
-
let me demonstrate how this thread works again......................What bird can lift the most weight???...A crane :cheers: :cheers:
-
If I cross a grass hopper with the easter rabbit will the result be Bugs Bunny??
-
Thanks for the jokes, girls and boys, but remember that I like "story" jokes that can be told to an audience at a bar. That is -- every other Friday nigh Pasquali's, a Negaunee bar (you can find it at Pasqualispub.com) there's a comedy night. There'll be the usual couple of (semi) pro comedians, but things start off with three audience members being invited to the stage to tell a joke. The joke with the best audience response wins free tickets for next time. Well, gee -- thanks in part to you folks I've won the free tickets twice in a row. I've only tried twice - so I'm doing very well. I appreciate it and wish to offer you the opportunity to continue the string, so once again invite you to help me continue my winning ways. Good jokes work way better than one liners (remember, these folks have been drinking beers and eating cudighis and aren't the sharpest at that time of the evening).
Let's see what you can do for Nancy and me today, hey? Thanks. :cheers:
-
Thanks for the jokes, girls and boys, but remember that I like "story" jokes that can be told to an audience at a bar. That is -- every other Friday nigh Pasquali's, a Negaunee bar (you can find it at Pasqualispub.com) there's a comedy night. There'll be the usual couple of (semi) pro comedians, but things start off with three audience members being invited to the stage to tell a joke. The joke with the best audience response wins free tickets for next time. Well, gee -- thanks in part to you folks I've won the free tickets twice in a row. I've only tried twice - so I'm doing very well. I appreciate it and wish to offer you the opportunity to continue the string, so once again invite you to help me continue my winning ways. Good jokes work way better than one liners (remember, these folks have been drinking beers and eating cudighis and aren't the sharpest at that time of the evening).
Let's see what you can do for Nancy and me today, hey? Thanks. :cheers:
and those longer jokes can be placed in "The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread" as our friend Jerry tries to show us how to keep this thread on track... one liners for the crazy train...
-
Jon, base 'em on true stories - you've already posted half of it - try this . . .
"Given the snow we've had this week, a lot of folks have been putting their snow tires on. There's an old farmer's trick - and not a lot of people know this anymore - but it helps keep the bolts on your wheels from rusting up in the winter.
The trick is this - if you take a little paraffin or bees wax, and you put it on the lugs of your snow tires, they won't rust up. So next July when the snow melts, you'll be able put your summer tires back on for a couple of weeks without having to deal with rusty bolts.
Now some of you know my wife, Nancy. She works in the hardware department at Lowes. (wait for the wild applause from all of the friends who will undoubtedly be accompanying you to die down)
Before the snow fell, an old farmer came in, and was looking around the department. It was clear he wasn't finding what he was looking for, so Nancy approached him and asked, 'May I help you?'
And the old farmer said, 'Yes, I need nut wax!'
So Nancy kicked him in the balls - twice."
If you want to string the story out a little longer, you could tag it with -
"So as the old farmer was doubled over on the floor, Nancy asked, 'Is there anything else I can help you with?'
And the farmer asked - in extreme pain, and with great difficulty - 'Menards had the same thing, and it's not what I was looking for. How do I get to Home Depot?'"
-
Ya know...Finding the perfect babe at Pasquali`s is like miniature golf....You hope for the perfect hole, But your balls end up bouncing off a hippo`s teeth. :cheers:
-
I went to the tennis club last night and this guy walked up and said " I`m a ball-boy" and I said " Well I`m more of a t*t man myself, But whatever floats your boat is OK with me princess :cheers:"
-
My wife says that having three testicles doesn`t make someone a freak, But I still wish she`d have them removed...................
-
Wow, Jerry. What's with the gonadical jokes today? Something on your mind? :?
-
i`m just nuts...............( that was 2 easy) :evil:
-
"I was in my car, driving along, and my boss rang up. He said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
Then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' I swerved off the road and went into a tree.
A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Robin
-
So I told my mother that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising anything."
Robin
-
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer....Don`t know what he laced them with, But I`ve been trippin` all day...........................
-
My pet frog ended his own life...He Kermitted suicide.
-
There is a kitchen fixture knocking at the door.....I should let that sink in....................... :cheers:
-
Do you know how the make seven an even number?
Take away the s.
-
Number joke?????....I have nothing to add...................
-
Number jokes? How many times have I said it: Continue like that and you'll divide the group just trying to make it equal?
Do I win a prize? :?
-
I think those subtracted from the thread..In fact, I`d be reluctant to...cosine a loan for those.............
-
I think number jokes really add to the thread, not subtract.
-
My pet frog ended his own life...He Kermitted suicide.
I thought you were going to tell us he........croaked!
-
Monte www.instantrimshot.com
-
It's a day early, I know, but this one is worth sharing with youse guys.
Think it's windy and cold at your house? Look at this - the official weather statement and forecast for us. You might have to click to enlarge -- it's not easy to make screen shots big. And once you can see -- please note the wind chill temperature and the wind speed.
(http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii147/SeldomSeenSlim/509%20Dukes%20Road%20stuff/Screenshot2014-11-27at10524PM_zpsa897d1aa.png) (http://s263.photobucket.com/user/SeldomSeenSlim/media/509%20Dukes%20Road%20stuff/Screenshot2014-11-27at10524PM_zpsa897d1aa.png.html)
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All right, Slim! Now's your chance. Get that ole pickup truck of yours headed in the right direction and Andy Green's record should be a lay down!
1749 MPH? that's a heck of a wind!
-
Obviously the National Weather Service was hacked!!! :-o :-o :roll: :evil:
Pete
-
All right, Slim! Now's your chance. Get that ole pickup truck of yours headed in the right direction and Andy Green's record should be a lay down!
1749 MPH? that's a heck of a wind!
Heck, just turn the car around, pull the chute and let nature take over!
Although this is not the first time Slim's posted a questionable weather report from the UP's NOAA station at Sawyer Airport.
At 1749, it should feel like -57.
They need to move the wind speed recorder from the end of the airstrip where that jet takes off.
-
I`ve been thinking about starting a thread about narcisism...But enough of you...let`s talk about ME :cheers:
-
While Slim had gusts from Canada, we had guests from England over for Thanksgiving.
Hearty eater, Sir Cumference.
Ate a lot of Pi.
-
A quick aside about the big winds of yesterday: Note, if you haven't already, that the wind chill temperature was "only" -59F or so -- even with super-duper high winds. There's your proof that wind chills don't drop much as wind speeds increase over maybe 35-40 mph. Here's we've got speeds about 50 times "normal" high winds -- and the temp is only a bit lower. I also take the wind chill temp as indication that the erroneous wind velocity got into the system before the wind chill algorithm - the machine used the two parameters (V and T) to come up with the chill temp.
The last time I saw this, a year or two ago, the display said something like "Winds NW 15 gusting to 248mph". Still quite a breeze, hey?
-
Enough of the weather already.....Lets` talk about ME !!!! ( This is where Chris says something on the order of " Speaking of wind......)
-
What is the best way to carve wood???....Whittle by whittle :cheers:
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Enough of the weather already.....Lets` talk about ME !!!! ( This is where Chris says something on the order of " Speaking of wind......)
Wow . . . it IS blowing across Lake Michigan from the East-narcist.
-
If you're a parent, you should always be prepared to answer anything your
kids might ask, no matter how unexpected or shocking. Here's an example.
Thirteen-year old daughter: "Daddy, what's fellatio?"
Me: "That's an Italian word . . . like Pinocchio."
Daughter: "Oh, so it has something to do with wood?"
Me: "Yeah, actually."
-
It was a typical rainy winter here in Seattle and the midget lady had developed a raw and painful irritation in her crotch. At the doctor's office the nurse told her to take off her rain hat and raincoat, get on the table with her feet in the stirrups and the doctor would be in momentarily. When he arrived, he asked her about her problem and then stood at the end of the table and dove in under the cover to examine her. After a few moments the midget lady heard a distinct "snip, snip, snip" sound but didn't feel any discomfort. The doctor reappeared and said to get off the table and walk around to see if she felt better. "Oh, doctor!" she said. "That feels wonderful! What did you do?" The doc replied "Oh, it was no problem. I just cut 3 inches off the tops of your galoshes."
:-D
-
less than 12 hours until we are back on the rails :cheers:
-
I thought you started this morning on the "chunkin pumkin" post. :cheers: :cheers:
Ron
-
Jerry, if I was a fish I would be waiting with baited breath... :cheers:
-
If I were a fish with arms I'd be cutting my wrists after that one. :roll: Wayno
-
How do you kill a vegetarian vampire?????...With a Steak to the heart............ :cheers:
-
Know why you never see a hippoptamus hiding in a tree??? ....Because they are real good at it...............................................
-
I was walking my dog through the cemetary this morning when I noticed a man behind one of the headstones.
"Morning" says I.
He replies, "No, I am just taking a shit".
-
Maybe he was making coffee using burial grounds??? :evil:
-
Speaking of, what do you call sad coffee?
Depresso.
-
Coffee should be depressed considering where it`s ...bean.................. :cheers:
-
I guess that could be considered a "home brood" comment.
-
I was talking with my Christmas tree about the holidays.
I mentioned I'll be happier when they're over.
The tree said he'll be de-lighted.
-
Your tree doesn't like being spruced up :?
Mike
-
Your tree doesn't like being spruced up :?
Mike
Are you needling me?
-
Glad to see you guys getting to the root of the issue....Anway, I went to see a real fat lady medium to have my future told...She was a four-chin teller.
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Glad to see you guys getting to the root of the issue....Anway, I went to see a real fat lady medium to have my future told...She was a four-chin teller.
That's a sneaky way of getting round to another subject.
Pete
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Don't forget the "PEAR" shapes. This early in the game it's all "low hanging fruit".
Ron
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You guys continue with the tree puns and Slim will start barking......I`m tellin` ya..That medium had more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.............
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"... Slim will start barking..."
And why knot?
-
I know that Jerry pines for the opportunity to needle someone.....
-
Do you know how you take a pig to the hospital?
In the hambulance!
-
The sun must be bacon Monte`s head...he`s punstopable.................... :cheers:
-
What washes ashore on tiny beaches???......Microwaves.....................
-
I've spent so much time thinking about Christmas that I think I am starting to get into the Holidaze
-
Oh...Deer..................................
-
Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, that's so phunny.
Ron
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It's a punderful time of the year! :-D :-D :-D
Pete
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I have a fear of getting stuck inside a chimney....It`s ...Santa Claustrophobia............. Did Santa take Rudolph et al to the...Deery Queen??........Who sings "Love me tender" while making toys??? Santa`s Elvis.... :cheers:
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I like Rudolph the best..But every Buck is deer to me.....................Hey !! Remember the 10th reindeer?? " Olive"??.....You know...." Olive the other reindeer...................."
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Eh-hem..................Yule regret getting me started on this one.................
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Yesterday after dinner I asked my niece (she`s 5 ) if her teddy bear wanted some pie for dessert. She said " No thanks...he`s already stuffed" :cheers:
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Why didn`t the chicken cross the road??? Because he is chicken.
-
Did you all hear about the sensitive burglar?
He takes everything personally.
-
Tis Friday here already.
What do you get if you eat Christmas tree decorations?.
TINSELITIS. Jerry, take that. :-D
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I told my dad I bought Kate a fur for Christmas.
"Mink", he asked?
"Douglass", I said.
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Wood of thought better of you, Midg.
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Hope it doesn't splinter your relationship.
-
Reminds me of the time a termite walked into the local pub climbed up on a stool and yelled, "Hey! Where's the bar tender?"
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Your gift will certainly help you lumber through the rest of your life together.
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Gotta get to work so I'm going to trunkate my participation in this thread. (Just don't get me started)
-
For a moment there, Chris, you really treed me. Then I heard a dog bark and it got my mind to branch off in the right direction. Okay, okay -- I'll leaf it alone for a while. I will knot get any work done if I keep trying to stump all of you.
-
Jim... Work is the curse of the drinking class
:cheers:
Midget, at least you didn't give her a fake fir
-
Jim
Wooden yew have per-fir-ed to stay home :? :?
Ron
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Before going to the beech we had some maple syrup on our roasted chestnuts. Don't needle me about it -- you'll just make an ash of yourself.
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The farmer was out in his field counting the cows, he counted 196.
After rounding them up he had 200.
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The farmer was out in his field counting the cows, he counted 196.
After rounding them up he had 200.
Somebody clearly drank the whole stein.
:cheers:
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The farmer was out in his field counting the cows, he counted 196.
After rounding them up he had 200.
Somebody clearly drank the whole stein.
Chris, that clearly means you are not from Jersey.
C
:cheers:
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Oh cow-mon, do you really expect us to bull-eve someone drank the hum-angus whole stein :? :?
Ron
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No, no! Don't steer him off in a new direction.
-
Very no bull of you Jon :dhorse:
-
Puns about steak are a rare medium well done.................. :cheers:
-
And Floydjer isn't mis-steak-en about that! :roll: :roll: :roll:
Pete
-
That's a prime example of getting T-boned in the flank.
But I'm glad we went from cows in general and are starting to get to the meat of the issue.
Jerry will steak his reputation on it.
Just ribbing you . . .
-
I`ll hoof it out of here if that`s the tail end ............
-
Being a vegetarian is a missed steak............
-
Boy, talk about running a steak through his heart. Just for using his brains and tongue. He wasn't even blowing his own horn.
Ron
-
I`ll try to rustle up a few more....................
-
I think you can meat those expectations.
Pete
-
......Cud someone steer this thread in another direction? :cheers:
-
My great grand father was a Knight...Sir Loin......Hmmm...Not a-moo-sed?? I see the Secret Service hired some cows....To beef -up security..........
-
I think we could chew on that awhile Jerry. :dhorse:
Pete
-
Great cow-lection of puns...OK..A few were pasture prime........................
-
I need some body work done on my Suburban...Anyone know of a shop they`d wreck-a-mend????
-
What do you call a woman standing between two goal posts?
Annette.
-
......Reminds me of the runaway beer truck that barrelled down a hill after the driver was mugged..................
-
......Reminds me of the runaway beer truck that barrelled down a hill after the driver was mugged..................
Jerry, that joke was STOUT!
-
Aren't you guys going to the DARK side?
Ron
-
We had better be careful or Jerry will start frothing at the mouth, or his ill temper start brewing.
-
Monte....are you ale-ing today??? :cheers:
-
Monte....are you ale-ing today??? :cheers:
pub-ably.
-
Looks like this may come to a HEAD.
Ron
-
If I may take this topic back to humor vs. puns vs. wordplay. . .
The fifth grade substitute teacher ran out of lessons one fine afternoon -- so decided that she'd have the kids tell what they wanted to be when they grow up.
First was young Kevin. He said: "Well, first I want to be a Marine pilot, and then retire from the Corps and become a billionaire. Then I'll get me a fine lady as my personal hooker, giving her stuff like an infinite Visa card, her own apartment in Monaco, a million dollar Ferrari, and clothes from only the top designers. Once she's mine I'll bang her like a screen door during a hurricane. But she's mine."
The teacher was aghast and didn't know how to comment on such an outpouring without making it worse, so she simply moved on to the next student.
Sarah, what would you like to be when you grow up?
Sarah said "I want to be Kevin's hooker."
-
Since no one has posted lately I guess we can call this a DRAW.
Ron
-
Come on you guys -- can it!
-
Yep, it was best to quit while you were a head :cheers:
-
A head?. They Barley Hopped. :roll:
-
Disney has a new movie about Cinderella`s really stupid boyfriend...It`s called " Dumb Beau"
-
What is the difference between a pooly dressed man on a tricycle, and a nicely dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire!
-
My dad rode a one wheeled bike...It was a pop-cycle
-
My dad rode a one wheeled bike...It was a pop-cycle
Jerry, uni 'd to tell us more about that.
-
These puns just keep being re-cycled.
Pete
-
No comments needed - from me, at least:
-
Note to self...DO NOT go camping with Slim.................. :evil:
-
Hey Jerry, if you say the word "gullible" really slow, it actually sounds like....
"oranges".
-
The reason women don't play football is that eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
=================================================================
Speaking of the Super Bowl, thankfully it is being played WAY ACROSS TOWN from me. Way too much local hype to suit me. I can't afford to go - the cheap nosebleed seats are $800 - I wouldn't go.
And get this - The Phoenix Open Golf tournament is also being played thia weekend (The Phoenix Open in North Scottsdale ?). And a week or two before that the NFL Pro Bowl was played here. And a week or two before that several collector car auctions were held here. Enough already!
-
Enough already!
So when do pitchers and catchers report? :|
-
Chris, you goofball. You oughta know that there aren't pitchers and catchers in the Superbowl. It's the big hockey game -- I think. Or maybe it's volleyball played with the European rules. Something like that.
I saw on the news this morning (we were in a motel) that the Superbowl is this Sunday -- right? And if I remember, one of the teams is from Seattle. Don't know/care where the other team is from, but whatever -- why don't they play the game in the town of one or the other teams? :?
-
$$$
. . . and allows a year for the hype.
-
Mr. Stan, I expect you're right. Silly me -- I thought the game was about prowess in the sport. How foolish of me -- it's really about money and entertainment, hey? I think I'll stick with kid's hockey. Some of the parents are too much, but in general -- at least the players are enjoying what they are doing and are learning stuff.
-
Well, Slim, aka Mr. "If you don't list where you live, I'll make something up", my response was to our friend in SCOTTSDALE ARIZONA.
About the middle of February every year, Scottsdale becomes ground zero for baseball Cactus League preseason practice.
http://www.experiencescottsdale.com/event/spring-training/
It also provides an opportunity for those of us who are sick of the cold to jump a flight to a warmer climate, wear shorts and t-shirts, and drink beer outdoors, cheer on the stars, check out the rookies, and get a jump start on our tans.
Provided wlarryglick doesn't chase us out of town . . . :wink:
-
Oh, yeah -- now I remember and I do get it, Chris. Sorry to have missed the point of your comment. I remember being a baseball fan when I was a kid - hundreds of years ago - and I knew way back then that baseball teams went to Florida and played the "Grapefruit League" and I think they went to Arizona then, too.
Let's see -- how can I change "Beerhaven" into something that's smarmy yet offensive? :roll:
-
Jerry, it appears you let your thread go asunder today... the only way eye see to get it back is super vision.
-
the only way eye see to get it back is super vision.
Says the man in the Superman boxers :roll:
-
Jerry missed a Friday????.
Jerry, are you OK?. :cheers:
-
Jerry missed a Friday????.
Jerry, are you OK?. :cheers:
Just fine Mike, Thank you. Mrs.Floydjer had minor surgery on her foot and I needed to tend to her every wish. Poor thing hadn`t a leg to stand on......... (nailed it...again)
-
We only have to deal with you on Friday - but with Mrs. Floydjer, you're constantly under foot . . .
A speedy recovery to her.
:cheers:
-
So this surgery was not to remove her foot from your backside? :roll:
We all wish her a speedy recovery :cheers:
-
What sort of crack was that Bob ????? :cheers:
-
But.... but.... but.... to be continued :cheers:
-
I hope that is the....end..of that `til friday................... :dhorse:
-
I hope that is the....end..of that `til friday................... :dhorse:
Jerry's putting his foot down . . .
-
Chris.....You knee`d to wait `til friday..................
-
Thanks Jerry, it seems several folks are not hip to how and when this thread should be used. :-D
-
Got it - I'll wait until thighday.
-
One more MM and I`ll have you crying " Ankle"................ :cheers:
-
Since I can control myself and my postings, I got a "leg" up on you guys . . . . . . :roll:
:dhorse:
:cheers:
-
OK...That`s it...FRIDAY ONLY. You clowns ...toe the line.
-
Things will start looking up on Friday. Until then, this is all a waist.
:cheers:
-
Maybe Slim should give them the boot....??
-
When I said I could control myself, I guess a told a fibula . . . . .
'cause I came back femur . . . . .
gonna stand patella now . . . . .
:dhorse:
F/B
-
Friday or not, I'm getting a kick out of all of this. :roll:
-
Heel boy, Heel................
-
This thread is my sole purpose for living....................
-
Can`t believe not even one of you have asked if I waited on Patti hand and foot....................
-
We figured she did not knee you :-P
-
Give them a foot and they'll make a smile!
Geo
-
I never met a tarsal that I didn't like.
-
....And Slim steps up to the plate..................
-
Land speed racers, give them a foot and they'll take a leg....................
Pete
-
I was going to say something pithy but my tongue got all tied up.
-
Eyelet you guys run with this one long enough....
-
Lace it up `til FRIDAY :dhorse:
-
I never met a tarsal that I didn't like.
I guess you didn`t like my t-shirt idea????
-
Okay, it's Friday . . . . .
So I'm going to re-arm this thread.
-
Hopefully others will help shoulder the burden.
-
No one will point a finger at those who don't participate.
-
Friday ...at last. :cheers: Two guys are driving home from the bar and drinking beer when a cop stops them. One guy says to the other " Quick... Let`s Peel off the labels and stick them on our foreheads" The cop walks up and asks " You two drinking in there"? Driver says " No". Cop asks what the labels on their heads are for. Driver says " We are recovering alcoholics...We both use the patch".
-
Thought my sister was bi-.........`cep........................... :evil:
-
Have to hand it to Forboy...He was able to "rewrist" telling knuck-knuck jokes...............
-
Have to hand it to Forboy...He was able to "rewrist" telling knuck-knuck jokes...............
Just didn't want to elbow anybody else away from them.
-
Reminds me of the guy that got his hand stuck inside his computer...He was inserting a thumb drive.............
-
I used to be able to clap one handed...that was Zen..This is Tao............
-
Three of my fingers agree with me...My thumb and forefinger are opposed.......... :cheers:
-
Walked into the bedroom last night and tripped over one of my wife's bras.
It was a booby trap!
-
Better nip that in the bud now Monte :cheers:
-
I am just trying to keep everyone a-breast of the dangers lurking out there!
-
I didn't kneed that . . .
-
Stay on topic Chris....Or i`ll take a strap to ya` :cheers:
-
Hey -- did you guys see the areola borealis last night?
-
I'd have more to say, but it's hard going tit for tat with you guys.
-
See? Slim has a feel for this topic..............
-
Hard act to follow.
I'm like a deer caught in the "Headlights".
-
without nipples......Boobs would be pointless. ( google that poster...site wouldn`t let me up-load it )
-
Interesting subject, hey? I grew up without hearing the word "brassiere" or even "bra" much at all. For reasons known best to my mom, I thought said bits of apparel really were always called "Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders".
She had quite a lexicon about said female appendages. And as for other parts of the human body -- well, I guess you had to grow up in our house. What terms did youse folks hear about 'em?
-
When I was a teenager I heard the German word for bra was derfloppinderstoppin.
Ron
-
Slim...I was raised by a Baptist.....You don`t honestly think boobies were discussed do you?? NOW GET BACK ON TOPIC. JB
-
This thread brings to mind many fond mammarys!
-
Thank you Monte...it`s hard for me to jug-gle work and keeping this thread on track..............
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why do mermaids wear sea shells??? ...Because their boobs are too big for b-shells......
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what do you call boobs that match exactley???..............Identitties......
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Slim...I was raised by a Baptist.....You don`t honestly think boobies were discussed do you?? NOW GET BACK ON TOPIC. JB
Jerry, we clearly have switched to a different discussion - why do you insist on bringing religion into this?
And Monte, yes, I'm aware of the trip hazards, having caught my foot in one of those Kevlar contraptions before.
The upside was when I went bra shopping for my wife, I was able to answer the lady's question regarding size.
15.
I've heard it said that anything more than a mouthful is a waste.
But I have a big mouth, and I am very wasteful.
-
Kevlar??? I prefer them felt.......
-
And besides Chris......Boobs can be a religious experience.................... :wink:
-
This subject is almost titillating.
Ron
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Top view: B
Front view: oo
Side view: b
Old, old, old! :dhorse:
Mike
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LSMFT........Old Lucky Strike ad.......any replies from when you were 12 ? ? ?
-
Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco
Ron
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Do you know what a zebra is?
The largest size you can get.
-
Come on Ron..... When you were 12 ..... Loose Straps Means Flabby T--s
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Lets stop, my finger's tired :-P :evil:
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Wow Jerry skips one Friday, the thread trails through the week a little... and them 4 pages... really :?.... I figured someone would have their tit in the wringer spending this much time staying abreast of all this.
Hope Patti was able to foot the bill at the Doc... :cheers:
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I must be getting old. I had heard that one before and it went right over my head or brain fart or any other excuse I can come up with. I'll try to do better in the future. :cheers:
Ron
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Thread had gone to he-- in a hand basket so I couldn't help myself. Your forgiven Ron.... Seems like many of us can't seem to grow up------Oh Well.....JD
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Why would you want to do that? No fun... :cheers:
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I can`t remember the last time I went running...Maybe someone could jog my memory?............
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......I used to run with my pet pig...But he pulled a hamstring.... :cheers:
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God said to John, "come forth and you shall receive eternal life".
But he came fifth and won a toaster.
-
British use of the phrase "came"/"come" in describing position at the end of a contest. In the American lexicon we'd say "came IN forth" or "... fifth", but some of us know you were right, Monte. :cheers:
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At least Monte stays on topic.................I think in the long run...I`ll enter a marathon............ :cheers:
-
Methinks Jerry has us involved in a "run-on" topic today!
-
Good things come from inside. That must be why farts feel so good...
-
Fart jokes are no fair. I don't object to discussing 'em at all -- but George Carlin did a pretty good job of telling them all to us and all you'd have to do is print out one of his routines.
For instance: If there are two people in the elevator and one of them farts -- EVERYBODY knows who did it. :cheers:
-
George Carlin...Now that`s a step in the right direction............
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Just yesterday I paid homage to him (Geore C.) at Taco Hell. They've changed their order-taking procedure a bit. They have, 'til just recently, assigned each order a number that would then be called out by the server as the food was done and at the counter. Now they ask for a name when the order is placed. I don't say "Jon" or "Slim", but rather I use goofy or unusual names. One day I was Godzilla -- and yesterday I signed in as Tondelaya. The server almost always is laughing so hard that he/she can't call the name out with any clarity. But what the heck -- it's fun for us.
-
You know why farts stink??
So the deaf can enjoy them.
Ron
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A friend of mine was badly injured when all his books fell on him. He's only got his shelf to blame.
Robin
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Thank you Robin..... :cheers:Good on ya` mate
-
It's already Friday in parts of Michigan - so before I forget . . .
Got back from my medical exam. What a fiasco.
Right in the middle of the procedure, a newspaper editor came running into the room, pulled out a red pen, marked up my chart and ordered the procedure stopped.
So I only received a semicolonoscopy.
-
Well, if it's Friday in parts of Michigan,
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
It's obvious that the three-year-old didn't want to be kid napped.
Mike
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My cat has joined the police department....Monday he starts his carreer in claw enforcement.................
-
....he can`t wait to catch his first purrpetrator..........
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....he can`t wait to catch his first purrpetrator..........
I understand Inspector Dewclaw is in line for a purrmotion . . .
-
A friend asked me to check on her dog while she was out of town....So I went to see the little fur ball...Pee`d on the floor, crapped in her chair. I`m guessing she`ll blame the dog.................... :evil:
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My cat refuses to play cards with me...he says I`m a cheetah............
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My cat refuses to play cards with me...he says I`m a cheetah............
You're lion . . .
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My cat refuses to play cards with me...he says I`m a cheetah............
You're lion . . .
No wait...it`s because of a claws in his contract............
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My cat refuses to play cards with me...he says I`m a cheetah............
You're lion . . .
No wait...it`s because of a claws in his contract............
I suppose he's feline fine about that.
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My cat refuses to play cards with me...he says I`m a cheetah............
You're lion . . .
No wait...it`s because of a claws in his contract............
I suppose he's feline fine about that.
It's a doggone shame what's happened to this thread . . . . . . :roll:
-
We`re on topic...You`re barking up the wrong tree................... :cheers:
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We`re on topic...You`re barking up the wrong tree................... :cheers:
That's not what your paw said.
Kate has cats.
I don't, but Kate does.
One night I woke up to meowing and howling from the kitchen.
Seems one had gotten locked up in a cupboard, and was scared to death.
I had no idea he was clawstrophobic . . .
-
I think Chris has a list he re-furs to........................................( I am so paw-some ) :cheers:
-
I think Chris has a list he re-furs to........................................( I am so paw-some ) :cheers:
I keep it in the clawset.
-
Big clawset or just a litter one???
-
Big clawset or just a litter one???
STOP KITTEN AROUND WITH ME!
-
Meow Chris is yelling....Purr-fect.
-
Once he calms down, We`ll hiss and make up...............
-
It's time to paws this!
-
Did i mention that my cat plays guitar?? he`s a mew-sician.
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Did i mention that my cat plays guitar?? he`s a mew-sician.
Guitar players are tough to categorize.
-
One of those very rare German jokes:
Q. Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
A. Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
:cheers:
Robin
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There are 10 sorts of people in this world:
Those who understand the binary system and those who don't.
Robin
-
It's already Friday in parts of Michigan - so before I forget . . .
Got back from my medical exam. What a fiasco.
Right in the middle of the procedure, a newspaper editor came running into the room, pulled out a red pen, marked up my chart and ordered the procedure stopped.
So I only received a semicolonoscopy.
What kind of halfass remark is that?
-
Not jokes in the literal sense of the word, but enjoy these that I just got from Russ Balconi:
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE ... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!
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Jon, Your list was Catastrophic... it would be a purrfect fit for the LSR Joke thread so Jerry doesn't have a cat fit and want to scratch your eyes out.
:-o :-o
added... Just a reminder of the kind of stuff that is reserved for Friday
-
Keep this up and we will all be catatonic....
-
Q. Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
A. Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Nice German joke!
I thought the answer was:
Q. Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
A. Because the Parrots-eat-em-all........... :roll: :roll: :cheers:
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What did the traffic light say to the car??? " Stop looking at me...I`m changing"...(Happy to see that aspirin joke made a nice turn...Not at all where my mind went)
-
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil
informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished,
the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
WAIT FOR IT !!
The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country's gone to hell, so it's a local call."
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The traffic light must have been shy.....It turned red. ( just steering us back on topic ) :cheers:
-
The traffic light must have been shy.....It turned red. ( just steering us back on topic ) :cheers:
No, YOU turn!
-
His co-workers locked Jerry in the janitor closet the other day because they were sick of his puns.
They told him the only way to get out was to come up with a pun that would describe his situation. They thought he would
be in there all day.
Jerry's response......"O-pun the door".
-
The traffic light must have been shy.....It turned red. ( just steering us back on topic ) :cheers:
No, YOU turn!
YELLOW?..YELLOW?? speak up :dhorse:
-
His co-workers locked Jerry in the janitor closet the other day because they were sick of his puns.
They told him the only way to get out was to come up with a pun that would describe his situation. They thought he would
be in there all day.
Jerry's response......"O-pun the door".
Ohhh, Monte, that's good! I'm green with envy.
Mike
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....And Monte left the door wide open...No one wants to take a turn??... This thread hinges on bad humor...............
-
...I`m "sill" waiting......You guys must be in a jamb for jokes........................
-
If you want to "Frame" someone for bad humor, I suppose you can "hang" me, at least until I see an "opening" or maybe I can just "bolt" out of here.
Ron
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...I`m "sill" waiting......You guys must be in a jamb for jokes........................
No, just waiting for a header one . . . . .
-
Some reputations hinge on this thread . . . . .
-
But it's agreed that the participants are unlatched . . . .
-
But it's agreed that the participants are unlatched . . . .
That was striking..................
-
We should vote on these....Let`s raise a panel..................
-
Guys, guys. You're not going to win any points for stile here.
-
But it's agreed that the participants are unlatched . . . .
That was striking..................
And adoorable . . .
-
Slim is about to slam this one shut...We have crossed his humor threshold.............
-
Goodness.....everyone of the responses is "overhead".
-
Monte pulled that one out of his 'pocket "..........................
-
Monte pulled that one out of his 'pocket "..........................
Well I thought this door thread might swing the other way but since it didn't we will just let it slide...
:cheers:
-
This thread can now go door-mant for a while
-
If it's a screen door, DON'T yell through it!
it'll strain your voice.
-
First I was out
Now I'm in
Geo
-
does that mean you are inside out
-
what do you get when you cross a pilot w/ a magician???..a flying sorcerer :cheers:
-
We were so poor growing up that mom couldn`t fly off the handle...She took Greyhound off the handle...............
-
Two wrongs don`t make a right...But two Wrights made an airplane. ( just trying to get a theme going..Or you guys can just wing it....)
-
Two wrongs may not make a right, but three lefts do.
-
Two farmers were taking a break from their spring plowing. An airplane flew over.
"Is that a mail plane?", asked one farmer.
"No, that's just the landing gear hanging down".
-
What do you call a magician that has a pilots license?
A flying sorcerer!
-
I know I'm coming in on the tail of this . . . . . .
-
But some of them are just too plane . . . .
-
Maybe we can elevate this to something with more altitude . . . . . .
-
But I could be just flappin' my flaps.
-
But some of them are just too plane . . . .
The thread appears to be rudderless today.
-
Surprised it hasn`t vectored off.....................
-
Maybe we should head out to the bar and get our Ale-er-on ??
-
What do you call a magician that has a pilots license?
A flying sorcerer!
[/quote .........Props for originality Monte....( Oh lord...I didn`t say "Prop" did I )?
-
Let you guys wing it and no one wants to spar???? ( he said while (s)cowling )
-
.........Props for originality Monte....( Oh lord...I didn`t say "Prop" did I )?
Speaking of which - I'm wondering if he hasn't found a venue and a driver in Sweden . . .
Note entry # 164 . . .
http://speed.hallah.nu/
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What do you call a magician that has a pilots license?
A flying sorcerer!
[/quote .........Props for originality Monte....( Oh lord...I didn`t say "Prop" did I )?
Props to Monte for getting it right the first time :evil:
Mike
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What do you call a magician that has a pilots license?
A flying sorcerer!
[/quote .........Props for originality Monte....( Oh lord...I didn`t say "Prop" did I )?
Props to Monte for getting it right the first time :evil:
Mike
Mike, You know I cannot type and spell at the same time.............. :cheers:
-
I know one thing for sure......I canope keep up with all ya'll.
-
Duh....I misspelled "canopy". See, I really can't keep up.
-
Okay, okay... I can see someone has got to inject a little reality into these postings..
In ordoor to header off any un-hinged mental states this weekend, you MUST view this documentary BEFORE Saturday!!!!
CAUTION!! Not suitable for children or lakester drivers.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4EUTMPuvHo
-
Okay, okay... I can see someone has got to inject a little reality into these postings..
In ordoor to header off any un-hinged mental states this weekend, you MUST view this documentary BEFORE Saturday!!!!
CAUTION!! Not suitable for children or lakester drivers.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4EUTMPuvHo
Now that's funny!!! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Pete
-
The year that AZ had Daylight Saving Time was a nightmare. Going from CA to AZ, the time changed. Crossing the Navajo reservation, the time changed until you hit the Hopi reservation-- the time changed back until you were once again onto the Navajo Reservation. Then you crossed over onto NM and the time changed. Arrrggghhhh.
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
There are areas in Canada that have 1/2-hour different time zones -- and you think Daylight Saving is confusing.
-
Yeah, and I seem to recall that some place in the South Pacific is 15 minutes off. What I have never been able to understand is how on earth do the planes keep from hitting each other. I guess maybe they all just operate on Zulu time and screw the locals and what time they think it is?
Sorry... didn't mean to pull us off the funny track.
-
Don't worry Jim, nobody will fly off the handle because you posted that... although, like Jerry's mom, some of these guys might take take the bus off the handle.... :roll: they spend all their money on racing...
I think it is time to move on to the next thread, I gotta go out and cover my tomatoes... all that saved up daylight might burn them... :roll:
-
One quick note for Jim: It was in late June 1963 that I first set my wristwatch (you know what those are, don't you, young folks?) to Zulu. I still wear it set that way. I change my thinking when we travel - instead of changing my timepiece. Note to self: Starting tomorrow morning mentally subtract four hours from the display.
PS Thanks, Don, for letting me know what i missed. Excuse: Sore, dry, and cracked fingertips make for lousy typing).
-
No problem, Jon.
I'm a way better pruuf reeder than I am a speller. :roll:
Don
-
Children in the back seats of cars can cause accidents...and accidents in back seats can cause children. :cheers:
-
why did Beethoven kill his pet chicken???...It kept saying " Bach,Bach,Bach..........."
-
why did Beethoven kill his pet chicken???...It kept saying " Bach,Bach,Bach..........."
And he recently had muffler work done on his car. He took it back to the dealer, complaining that when he accelerated onto the autobahn, it was making this sound ...
"Braaahhhms, Braaahhhms . . ."
-
You guys... I have to be careful while I read these... I almost cut off my finger laughing at that... I guess I shouldn't have been Chopin vegetables
-
I hope that if you do cut off your finger Bob...You`re the type to quickly Mendle-son
-
I just finished a nice cup of Polish tea with milk - I think it's called Chai-Cow-Ski.
-
And there's also a Three Stooges exhibit at the museum, featuring Moe's art.
-
It's tough getting a Handel on this topic.
-
And then there's that guy who set my beer mug on fire - Burn Stein.
-
Whew, I can't compose any thoughts after all that! I will have to make notes for future reference.
On a different subject....... What do you call a Chinese billionaire?
Cha Ching!!
-
Stainless, you must have been using the manual version of the cuisinart, the Mozart.
Ron
-
The kid's mom asked her if she wanted some ice cream - and the little girl replied "No, I'd rather have some Shubert"
-
What do you call an angry bicycle that's so mad it's growling?
A Gershwin.
-
I bought a new violin Vivaldi money I made...........
-
I have a whole Listz of these.............
-
I`m just Messiean around...heck ,If it`s not baroque,why fix it?
-
But seriously...Patti and I had our designed by Baroque Residential Design...We used to joke that they named it that because if you build one of their designs? You end up B-roke :cheers:
-
I can't decide if all of these comments are sharp or flat??? I'll have to stay tuned.
-
Now I remember where I first met Monte -
He was stationed at Fort Tissimo, and he was hanging out by the cleffs on the banks of the middle C in North D'Coda with Pia Nissimo.
Okay, at this point, I'm just vamping . . .
-
What the fugue...? :-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
I am sure all of this stikes a chord with Chris!
-
Chris, don't fret, I'll try not to string this topic along anymore.
-
We just need to find a rhythm and pick up the tempo.
By the way, Lawrence Welk had two daughters, each with the same first name -
Anna 1, Anna 2 . . .
-
Wunnerful, wunnerful.....turn off the bubble machine.
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Neil and others --
You got me thinking about the Lawrence Welk show - and I bet that lots of us have forgot how he managed to find and bring along some great talents. Remember the two girls/ladies that sang all the time on the show? I forget which of them it was that grew up and had the baby that went on to world wide fame -- but gee, if it wasn't for Welk and then the Lennon sisters -- John might never have been born. :cheers: :cheers:
-
Slim;
I thought that was Vladimir Lennon....
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
I was reading through some technical manuals, and I discovered a suspension system with hollow components, filled with helium.
Very odd.
Spring is in the air . . .
-
Spring is in the air . . .
Valve spring or suspension spring? Probably want to "duck" regardless . . . . . . .
Lots of geese in the air here, bomber flights of them . . . . . . . :roll:
-
Temps are on the rebound here and we could go to a lighter subject.
Ron
-
A woman walks into the kitchen and finds her husband standing there with a menacing look on his face and a fly swatter in his hand.
"What are you up to?" she asks.
"I'm hunting flys" he responds.
"Well, how is that going for you?"
"Hah! I have already killed 5 of the pesky varmints, 3 males and 2 females."
With a skeptical look she says, "And just how do you know that?"
"I got three of them on the beer cans, and the other two were on the phone!"
-
I used to work in a guitar shop in a mall.
One day, a beautiful woman walked in.
"My boyfriend plays bass, and he keeps breaking G strings", she said, to which I replied,
"Frederick's of Hollywood is two doors down, but I don't know that they have a warranty department".
-
MM, I see it's Friday and you're trying to start a new string. You must remember to cover the main parts, at least until the string breaks. On second thought it might be more entertaining after.
Ron
-
What did the momma horse say to her baby horse when it was time to go to sleep?
It's pasture bedtime!
-
I know barnyard humor has run a fowl on this thread... but a friends grandchild asked me this question and I had to wait for Friday to put it here
Why does a chicken coop always have two doors?
Cause if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan :cheers:
-
I'm scratchin' to come up with something.
Okay -
Why is the sheep shed so long and have so many windows?
Because it's a Lambosine.
I know, that was a stretch . . .
-
Cause if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan :cheers:
What if it's a hatch back?
-
These jokes crack me up and then scramble my brain.
-
I'm scratchin' to come up with something.
Okay -
Why is the sheep shed so long and have so many windows?
Because it's a Lambosine.
I know, that was a stretch . . .
I'm sure that got somebody's goat . . . . .
-
These jokes crack me up and then scramble my brain.
Eggsactally... :cheers:
-
These jokes crack me up and then scramble my brain.
Eggsactally... :cheers:
Stainless make a good ..yoke!!!
-
Hmm . . .
Late Friday, we've been riffing all day, and no pronouncement from floydjer?
The Jerry must be out.
-
My neighbor and his wife had a huge argument the other day. Windows were open - couldn't help but overhear it.
"Two months late? What do you mean, two months late? I mailed the rent checks on time!"
-
I heard that Chris crashed his car into a news stand yesterday,
He was in all the newspapers!!
By the way, happy belated birthday Chris!!
-
I heard that Chris crashed his car into a news stand yesterday,
He was in all the newspapers!!
By the way, happy belated birthday Chris!!
Milwaukee Midget Racing always does a bang up job with the press.
Thanks, Monte!
-
Kilts don't have zippers because, they scare the sheet.
rouse
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HEY HAY HEY!? W(here)TF are the Friday jokes/jokesters? We're going to the comedy club tonight and I need to maintain my winning streak (I've won the free tickets for the next show 5 times out of 6). I use many of the jokes from here -- but without today's I'll have to go surfing for other humor. The club's contest only allows me one joke -- so make 'em good, and long ones are better than shorties (that's about how it seems in real life, too - doesn't it? :roll:).
A couple of weeks ago I ran across a great one -- but whether it was here or elsewhere I don't remember. And, of course, I didn't write it down and now can't find it. Please -- a good "story" joke for tonight. Two or four or seventeen is better yet.
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I once knew a girl named Virginia. We called Virgin for short, but not for long.
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Wow - that's really old, but good. I did hear it, no kidding, from my mother. She phrased it as Virginia was one of the girls in her high school class. Mom must have been in her 60s when she told it to me. I learned lots of stories and humor from my parents and aunts/uncles -- humor specialising in dirty jokes. Too bad all of those people are dead -- there must be some that I haven't yet heard.
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You can always go with an "Ole and Lena" joke . . . not mine, but . . .
Ole and Lena were watching over their new grandson, Lars. Ole held the baby, and Lena came over and said,
"You know, Ole, I think little Lars there might need a diaper change".
Ole reached over to the bag of Pampers, and said,
"Oh, no, Lena. Everything's fine. It says right here on the package, 'up to 25 pounds.'"
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SSS, look over on the LSR thread... I left you one that may be right...
Didn't want to clog up the drain on this one's liners
:cheers:
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News reports just in of a major explosion at a French cheese factory. Witnesses say there is de Brie everywhere.
Robin
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A couple for Jon:
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns
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News reports just in of a major explosion at a French cheese factory. Witnesses say there is de Brie everywhere.
Robin
Must be terrorist activity, just heard the same thing happened in Switzerland... all their cheese was riddled
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All these stories about cheese might get MM or Fordboy started on the Cheddar curtain. That would be grating.
Ron
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Shred that thought Ron, I think they will turn bleu before they engage in this Mozzarellated discussion
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News reports just in of a major explosion at a French cheese factory. Witnesses say there is de Brie everywhere.
Robin
Brits - always picking on the French . . .
It's whey too easy . . .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1fH17GfTOk
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Basil Brush on YouTube - what a legend. :-D
What cheese do you use to disguise a small horse? Mascapone.
My neighbour threw a big lump of Cheddar at me. I thought, that's not very mature.
Robin
ah zee French - our oldest enemies. Which is why I go there a lot to wind them up.
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Hey! Don't knock the French. If it wasn't for them you'd probably be speaking...English!
Sheesh! (or to better serve this thread) Cheese!
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Hey! Don't knock the French. If it wasn't for them you'd probably be speaking...English!
Sheesh! (or to better serve this thread) Cheese!
Jim - us Brits are only truly friendly with anybody they can take the piss out of. Ask Landspeed Louise - she has often witnessed it at first hand :-D You should be in the crowd at a cricket match between us and the Aussies. Non stop abuse both ways but funny as hell. Even better, test matches last for 5 days so you can get your annual laughing fix all in one go. My father in law often says that he smiles first thing in the morning to get it out of the way.
I have a trip to the south of France coming up to drive across the Pyrenees with a friend in an old Bentley so I shall be sure to wear my best striped T shirt and a string of onions. Oh, and we'll take plenty of cheese for lunch.
Robin
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No worries, Robin. I've often noticed a "peculiar" trait among the Brits (Aussies, Kiwis, or POME's... doesn't matter). I mean if you get three of them together, strangers, even, it's not but three minutes before they're all laughing about something. And I have had my (we'll call it) "ego" pulled out from under me more times than I can count by a Brit. Generally in a humorous way and generally loved the "insight" into meself.
And have a great trip!
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I went to a French restaurant once, and as I walked across the dining room, I kept sinking and sinking into the rug - it was like a morass of goo. By the time I got to our table, I had to ask the maitre d to help me up to my seat.
After I caught my breath, I asked him what kind of floor covering they had.
"Les Brie Carpets", he informed me.
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Hey, Goggles.... tell 'em it's okay will ya"? I mean the Friday joke day thingie and all, okay?
And I hope you get this joke and all, cause it's about guns and umm... oh well... you'll see.
Gun Control
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl , with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'
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Dropping the jokes for a minute - we haven't heard from Jerry in better than a month.
Jerry - I hope you're okay.
Chris
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I hope you're not complaining. Almost a month without him pun-ishing us is... is.... well, actually I do miss him too
Jerry?
Jerry?!
In the meantime since there is no one to, ummm... take the bait, let Rodney Dangerfield do it for you with some of the best one liners I've ever heard him say, like (to paraphrase), "I don't want to say she was easy, but her high school yearbook picture was horizontal."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=738VLg7JJ2k
Enjoy... until Jerry gets back.
Knapp
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A man walks up to entrance of the London Olympic Stadium carrying a really long case and asks a guard to let him in.
"Are you a pole-volter?" the guard asks.
The man replies "No, I'm German actually; but how did you know my name was Walter"
Robin
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Only 4 days until Cinco de Mayo.
I'm wondering, is the de Mayo, the Mexican Titanic?
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My health insurance is so bad I have to go to the Cinco de Mayo Clinic . . . .
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How did the Germans get rid of their aristocracy? Von by Von.
Robin
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A scientist is having a chat with God. The scientist tells God that he is no longer needed as science has progressed to the point that they can grow human organs and
3D print ears, noses and other body parts. God replys by asking the scientist if he is up for a challenge, the scientist says, "Bring it on". God then says to the scientist, "I challenge you to make a human from dirt".
The scientist says, "No problem". He then bends down and picks up a handfull of dirt. God looks at him and says, "Use your own dirt!".
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I miss Jerry as well. Hope everything is okay.
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This one is for our MIA friend in Michigan - Jerry.
The family next door all have first names that are also names of cities. Bennington was on the high school football team, Seattle is a cheer leader, Olathe heads up the college debate team, the mother's name is Phoenix.
The old man stopped by after the hardware store had closed. He was painting the fence and had run short of primer.
He asked if I had any paint, to which I replied,
"I've got a gallon, Kalamazoo".
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Here's a bumper sticker for all you Democrat voters out there.
Robin
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Here's a bumper sticker for all you Democrat voters out there.
Robin
My disappointment with Bill was his revelation that he didn't inhale.
It was then that I realized we'd elected a guy so stupid, he didn't even know how to smoke a joint.
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Here's a bumper sticker for all you Democrat voters out there.
Robin
That sucks. :roll:
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Methinks Monica may have blown Hillary's chances.
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He he he. :evil:
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Methinks Monica may have blown Hillary's chances.
Or it may have given her a HEAD start. :-D
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Ho Ho Ho. Knew you guys wouldn't let me down.
Not sure how it works there but over here you have to pay a deposit to register yourself as a parliamentary candidate. If you then poll less than a certain percentage of the vote you lose your deposit. Bill must be the only politician who lost his deposit before an election :-D And Monica had the dress as proof of it. Yet more evidence of male intellect seemingly controlled from well below the waist line on many occasions.
Robin
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
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I have decided to have my wife creamated after she passes.
I figure it is my last chance to have a wife with a smokin hot body!
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Monte, I could lend you Nancy. You'd have to forgo the marriage certificate, though -- but you might be able to get away with just a learner's permit. :cheers: :cheers:
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Do you all know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
One is "see you later" and the other is "after while".
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Well, we lost one of the greats today - B. B. King passed away.
Which reminds me of a joke . . .
There was a woman in Whichevertown that spent the night with B.B. King the last time he came through.
She even went so far as to have a "B" tattooed on each of her butt cheeks.
After the concert, back in his hotel, she proudly took off her clothes to showed the legendary guitar player the tattoos.
King was impressed with the fine work but asked politely..."Who the hell is BoB?
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Great joke, Chris. I've told that one many times -- although substituting this name or that one -- but always with the two "b"s. thanks for the refresher. Long live B.B. King.
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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants. The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size. The iTit is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Mike, good to see an old guy staying abreast with technology :cheers:
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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants. The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size. The iTit is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Apple stock just perked up 2 points.
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At the risk of implanting any lurid thoughts did you hear about the team of artistically tattooed strippers and their creative fundraising idea? They're doing it "for the children" so they are going to perform and all proceeds go to the charity. Oh, and they're going to call it "Tits with Tats for Tots"
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This guy heard about them.... :cheers:
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Do you know the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer?
One is a bird watcher and the other is a word botcher.
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Most of today's jokes are titillating but an "A" size at best.
Ron
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Boy you said a mouthful, Ron
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Boy you said a mouthful, Ron
Well, anything more than a mouthful is a waste . . .
But I have a big mouth, and I'm very wasteful.
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Let's see -- it's Saturday, so I won't try to tell a joke. but I will offer a comment to Chris (and youse others guys, too).
No, Sir -- more than a mouthful is certainly NOT a waste. I could go on, but to hear more you'll have to be in touch via PM or email or in person. Gotta let dignity rein here on the Forum. :-D :-D
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I always thought that more than a mouthful was a playground :-D
Rouse
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You're close, Johnnie, but I think the word playground is used in another description. The question is "Why doesn't a woman's chest grow hair?" and the answer is:
"Grass doesn't grow on a playground".
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A terrible mind is a thing to waste and mine has been wasted many times.
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Everyone laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.
No one is laughing now.
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Why does the letter C hate all the other letters in the alphabet?
Because they are all not c's.
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Just not the same without ole Jerry. Jerry come back....we miss you!!
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Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello Sarge."
"Yes."
"It looks like we have a homicide here. "
"What happened?"
"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet. "
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An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old mans wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they are for the funeral!"
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Three quickies:
I gave my wife a diet book . . . she ate it.
When she gets angry, she stops talking to me . . . so I pick fights with her.
I smoked some cannabis, expecting to get the "marijuana munchies" . . .
but all I got was a pot belly.
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:cheers:
Mike
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Three guys -- a doctor, a lawyer, and a land speed racer -- are all walking
on a bridge across a wide river. They each have to take a leak.
The doctor says: That river sure is cold . . .
The lawyer says: And deep . . .
The land speed racer says: And long!
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I'm a referee's assistant.
It's not what I do for a living.
More of a sideline.
Robin
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A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll ya have?" The seal says,"Anything but a Canadian Club."
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.The beer is poured, and the neutron asks how much it owes.
"For you," the bartender answers, "no charge."
Robin
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An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
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I had a neutron joke, but it wasn't positive.
Rouse
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A neutron walks into a bar full of electrons.
The electrons just glared at him.
"I'm sensing a lot of negativity in this room", said the neutron.
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How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
You pull down it's genes :-D
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Two people were stranded on an iceberg. Both feeling helpless and trying to figure a way out of their situation.
One of them looks up and shouts, "Hey, it's the Titanic. We're saved".
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I asked my neighbor the math professor how he backs his car out of his curved driveway.
He says, "I derive it in reverse".
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Do you know why the sesame seed could not leave the casino?
Because he was on a roll!
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Monte, you either have a big book of these jokes, or you should write one. :cheers:
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I'd follow up on Monte's first today, but I can't because I got kicked out of math class because of too many infractions.
Mike
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A girl in my school was expelled because she decided to multiply. :cheers:
Ron
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Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"
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How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars!
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Sure is quiet around here..............................................
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Holy Sh!t!!! Welcome back!
:cheers:
Mike
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Jerry, great to see you on board again! Welcome back, we've been missing you. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Pete
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Oh, good - he's okay.
You can go home now . . . :wink:
Aw, shucks - you know better than that.
Welcome back, brother! :cheers:
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Jerry, we were all worried about you....
and we missed your smart mouthed stupid jokes...
see you Friday :cheers:
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Like jokes about pizza ? or are those too cheesy???.............how about a construction joke?..I`m still working on that ...........How about a joke about ropes?/ Nah, Skip it................ :cheers:
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Like jokes about pizza ? or are those too cheesy???.............how about a construction joke?..I`m still working on that ...........How about a joke about ropes?/ Nah, Skip it................ :cheers:
Well, well, well....look what the cat dragged in. Meow that you are back maybe this thread will get a bit more traffic. Kinda tired of seeing how much we aren't racing lately, this could be a good distraction...or a catastrophe.
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I very nearly got hooked into going fishing.
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Like jokes about pizza ? or are those too cheesy???.............how about a construction joke?..I`m still working on that ...........How about a joke about ropes?/ Nah, Skip it................ :cheers:
Well, well, well....look what the cat dragged in. Meow that you are back maybe this thread will get a bit more traffic. Kinda tired of seeing how much we aren't racing lately, this could be a good distraction...or a catastrophe.
Maybe we can get the SCTA to make a special award for `liners.....A golden cup made from the aft section of a feline...a real " cat -a$$-trophy'..... :cheers: :evil:
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We are all feline much better now that you are bace Jerry!
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Oops, I misspelled back.
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Some of us were worried about Jerry, but he's clearly feline fine . . .
We've been having kitty issues here in Milwaukee, and I ain't lion . . .
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2015/07/22/milwaukee-mountain-lion-cougar-spotted-twitter/30507877/
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Scrabble...All fun and games until someone loses an ' I ' :cheers:
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reminds me of the time I dropped my scrabble game while crossing the road....neighbor asked ' what`s the word on the street? "
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Scrabble jokes cast their spell . . .
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Scrabble, I think I will have some eggs.
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The MILF next door`s dog ate my scrabble tiles...he leaves clues everywhere
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Jerry, as usual we are all scrabbling to keep up with you.
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Jerry, as usual we are all scrabbling to keep up with you.
That would be......fu-tile................
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I`ll tell you who had the worst scrabble tile draw ever.....Old Mac Donald....."E-I-E-I-O" :dhorse:
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Jerry:
I heard that during your absence, you had a successful exorcism???
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But then your check bounced and you were repossessed.
Mike
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My wife and I got kicked off a National Express bus to London today.
All I did was stand up and shout " Ebola, I've got Ebola."
Anyone would think that Scrabble was illegal.
Robin
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busses eh???...................a crossed-eyed friend of mine applied to be a bus driver.....I won`t stand in his way.....................
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The MILF next door`s dog ate my scrabble tiles...he leaves clues everywhere
And it turns out his shit does spell.... :-D
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We invited a friend over the other night.
After a few drinks, he opened up about his past.
His mom died in a combine accident, and his dad was killed walking corn in a silo.
Seems he never learned to read or write, a hardscrabble life, indeed.
So we played Yahtzee . . .
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Too funny not to share
http://adsoftheworld.com/media/online/toyota_aygo_crazy
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Too funny not to share
http://adsoftheworld.com/media/online/toyota_aygo_crazy
Funny as hell!!
Some ad people have too much time on their hands . . . . . . . . . . .
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I`ve taken up wood carving as a hobby...Learning whittle by whittle.............
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......................two fish are swimming in a tank and one says" You man the guns and I`ll drive.............
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......................two fish are swimming in a tank and one says" You man the guns and I`ll drive.............
Tanks for this Jerry, I needed it today.
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(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7416297216/h448CC9EC/) :?
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If it shoots the guns, will it get turret syndrome?
Mike
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Time to be more philosophical about life given all the problems with the salt.
Confucius say woman who fly aeroplane upside down bound to have crack up.
Robin
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What is blue and doesn't weigh very much?
Light blue!
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Went out for dinner last night and saw they had a 'Chicken special'..I asked the waitress how the chicken was prepared and she said " Nothing special..We just flat out tell him he`s gonna die...." :cheers:
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What is blue and doesn't weigh very much?
Light blue!
Oh yeah??? Then what is blue and heavy??????....An elephant holding it`s breath...... :roll:
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Oh :-o are we doing on color jokes today :?
I was thinking off color jokes would be better :cheers:
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Oh :-o are we doing on color jokes today :?
I was thinking off color jokes would be better :cheers:
...' yellow?...yellow?...Are you there Bob ??? '...( aren`t you glad that you....."red" that ??? ) :cheers:
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Jerry, Jerry, how could you?
What you should have written to Stainless....Orange you glad you red this.
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Jerry, Jerry, how could you?
What you should have written to Stainless....Orange you glad you red this.
+1
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On the other side, Stainless is never a hue such as blue, he is always "shinny"
Ron
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I was on crutches for about 9 months in 72.
My Patella (knee cap) was removed.
The joke was, "What's green and hangs between two sticks"?.
A rotten cripple!!!!.
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I went to the doctor because I got depressed every New Year's Eve. He said I was suffering from Auld Lanxiety.
Robin
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orange you glad...??....Oh lord...fuchsia...every one of ya.... :cheers: :evil:
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I`ve decided to change my diet....I`m eating nothing but clocks...Talk about time consuming...................
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Typical answer Jerry.
You've got me scouring the net for good jokes but they ain't as good as yours.
Give us a good one for Friday. Make my day bro. :cheers:
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Thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island... turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
:cheers:
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Thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island... turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
:cheers:
THAT...is how this thread works...Bravo :cheers:
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Oh, eye see what you are saying !!
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Just don`t make a spectacle of yourself Monte...................
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Stainless
I've heard of "farsightedness" but that is ridiculous.
Ron
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Jerry, I am just trying to be a pupil of the pun!
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focus Monte, ..focus
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I am trying, but I recently found out I am bifocal.
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And I'll raise you to tri-focal.
Did you hear about the guy that needed an operation on his opti-rectal nerve? That is the one that runs between the eyes and the rectum that gives some people a $hitty outlook on life.
Ron
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I am trying, but I recently found out I am bifocal.
I heard you people can legally marry now........................ ( that was Humor Monte ..calm down ) :cheers:
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I rented a house to a pair of otters...Now they live in otter-space..............
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....and to keep their bagels from being stolen...They put lox on them...................
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Ain't easy being a landlord these days.
I rented a house to a pair of otters...Now they live in otter-space..............
You otter know better than that.
....and to keep their bagels from being stolen...They put lox on them...................
See? Now you've got to change out the lox.
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I tried to board an airplane with a dead possum and a dead raccoon I found on the road. The lady at the gate said....
I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger
:cheers:
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...........quite the ...tor-rent of landlord jokes MM :cheers:
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I tried to board an airplane with a dead possum and a dead raccoon I found on the road. The lady at the gate said....
I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger
:cheers:
Those airlines - no sense of humor.
I bought a ticket for my gorilla, but when he tried to board, TSA stopped him at the gate. I stepped up to the officer, and told him I'd vouch for him, and that we had a Simianic relationship.
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No kidding??? I just installed a doorbell that uses the sound of a gorilla singing about table tennis. I call it " The King Kong Sing-song- Ping pong - Ding -dong. (gauntlet tossed )
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No kidding??? I just installed a doorbell that uses the sound of a gorilla singing about table tennis. I call it " The King Kong Sing-song- Ping pong - Ding -dong. (gauntlet tossed )
You're not going to drag me into this monkey see, monkey doo doo.
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Just stay away from cat puns....They freak meowt :cheers:
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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f***ing potatoes!"
Robin
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Whats the best way to catch a fish? Have some one throw it at you.
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Do you know why you should never reveal a secret while you are in the garden?
The corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk!
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geeez....Veggie jokes?? you get those from the farmer in the dell...Monte ????
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I really liked my job at the calendar factory, but they fired me.
And all I did was take a day off!
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geeez....Veggie jokes?? you get those from the farmer in the dell...Monte ?
Jerry, now that WOS is cancelled, I don't carrot all about anything!!
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I`d made a good electrician....I`m well grounded...........
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You seem like a real down to earth character.
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I don't think this comes as a shock to anyone. :roll:
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...just have to work on my negative attitude........
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...I conduit..won`t phase me a bit........
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You all left me way behind....I was still on veggie jokes... :-(
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The other day I held the door open for a clown....It was a nice jester!
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Was racing all day, almost missed SJF....
Monte, we will slow down for you, but if you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine
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What is the chosen beverage of martial arts experts???.....Kara-tea
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I heard on the news that another airline filed for bankruptcy..Must be runway inflation....... :cheers:
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What is the chosen beverage of martial arts experts???.....Kara-tea
A nice choice with a plate of Kung Food . . .
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What is the chosen beverage of martial arts experts???.....Kara-tea
A nice choice with a plate of Kung Food . . .
That was the entrée at the wedding of that celebrity martial artist that banned confetti at the service.....Chuck No-rice :roll:
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two for the price of one today...
Stealing someone's coffee is called a mugging.
and
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationary.
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Uh-oh...I hear the spelling police....................... :evil:
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Thanks for saving me the time, Jerry. I'm now frequenting another (very different subject) Forum - and am getting known as the Comma Cop there, too. Don't ask me to tell you what forum - at least not here in public.
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A sheperd is standing in the meadow will all the sheep.
One of the sheep turns to him and says, "Quit telling me what to do!"
The sheperd replys, "What?"
The sheep says, "you herd me."
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That was really baaa.d..................
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I just read an article about a big fire in the Saudi Sultan's palace.....
yep you guessed it...
the headline was .......
Smokey Eunuch reveals secrets :cheers:
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Hey Jon...Commas are important .They make the difference between a sentence that is well written and a sentence that is well, written. :cheers:
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Ya just can't pull the wool over ol Jerry's eyes.
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And he is not sheepish about letting us know it!
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Hey, that reminds me of a joke....
Why did the ram run off the cliff?
He did not see the ewe turn!!!
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I guess since we keep straying back to animal jokes....
If a dog gives birth to puppies on the side of the road should it be cited for littering.
happy Friday everyone :cheers:
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A sheep picked up a used Scrabble game at a garage sale, but when she got it home, she discovered all of the vowels were missing.
So she called Parker Brothers to inquire about purchasing replacement pieces.
She was informed by the shipping department that the A's, E's, O's and U's were no longer available.
When she asked, "Why?", the clerk said, "Sometimes".
Frustrated, the sheep asked if there were any letters available.
The clerk replied, "I only have I's for ewes".
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Chris, you've gone above and beyond with that. Thank you. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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Chris :cheers:..BRAVO !...what`s the difference between a dirty bus-stop and a lobster with breast implants??? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
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what sport do you play with a wombat??????? " wom'
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What sport do you play with a cannibal?
Canni.
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or smack him with some Canadian club..............
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There was a cat with 16 lives.....
It was run over by a 4x4.....
The poor cat died.....
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With great power,
comes a great big electric bill.
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Watt are you talking about Monte....?
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Can't you tell? He alternates
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That one went directly by me...
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That hertz
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I'm switched off right now.
Jerry, you need to shed some light. :evil:
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What did one cannibal child say to the other cannibal child?
Your Mom sure does MAKE good SOUP!
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I just saw a chicken crossing the road....He was poultry in motion..
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I just saw a chicken crossing the road....He was poultry in motion..
I just opened a can of Chicken of the Sea - it was poultry in ocean . . .
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My wife took her driver`s test yesterday...she got 8 out of ten...The other two jumped out of her way........
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I just added a new app to my phone... Instagram... when selected it speed dials my grandma :cheers:
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Do pirates buy aye-phones ??????
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Do pirates buy aye-phones ??????
No, they send texts via Ishmael - and it can be frustrating at times, trying to manipulate the touch screen with a hook . . .
"Arrr, , , Call me, Ishmael" . . .
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I`ll bet that when Steve Jobs died, his wife cried her 'I'`s out..............
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I`ll bet that when Steve Jobs died, his wife cried her 'I'`s out..............
And droid her tears with a max-I-pad? :-o
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I just added a new app to my phone... Instagram... when selected it speed dials my grandma :cheers:
That is a great app Bob...we wouldn`t want your...." grand mother-bored " :cheers:
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I received the nicest compliment from a cop yesterday...he left a note on my windshield that read ' Parking Fine"..................
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My sister Mary ( Yes, Jerry Berry has a sister named Mary.....One named Tarry too ) failed her driver`s test. On the question about what to do at a red light she answered " I reply to texts and up-date my Facebook ....."
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Tonight begins the National League Division playoff series - The Cubs at St. Louis.
As a lifelong Cubs fan, I should be excited, but looking at the starting pitchers, I've come to the realization that this game is going to be rather Lackey-Lester.
Go Cubs! :dhorse:
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My sister Mary ( Yes, Jerry Berry has a sister named Mary.....One named Tarry too ) failed her driver`s test. On the question about what to do at a red light she answered " I reply to texts and up-date my Facebook ....."
Middle names Straw and Raz... bet you kids grew up without ever getting in a jam
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I'm pretty sure that Jerry doesn't have a sister named Larry -- and, as far as I'm concerned -- that's probably a good thing.
But -- did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.
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There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
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:?
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"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
(http://i889.photobucket.com/albums/ac92/bbarnhart_photos/Misc/Wednesday_zpsldyvrsui.png)
Pretty sure that is what Jerry's comment was about... :wink:
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--------> Blond Jokes (http://www.landracing.com/forum/index.php/topic,6034.0.html)
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What day of the week do fish like the least??????? FRY-DAY :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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Ever notice that "Monday" and "mundane" have the same phonetic prefix?
I was working a recording gig in the studio, and we were trying to get the percussion tracks down.
Every time the percussionist hit the floor tom, a low, sympathetic resonate frequency came through studio monitors.
"What's that?", asked the producer.
"Humdrum", I replied.
BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MONTE!
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A couple of hackers opened a computer store here... when I went by to see what they had... they were closed :|
But there was a note on the door....... Gone Phishing
Monte had another birhtday?????
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Happy after-birth day Monte...
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Ever notice that "Monday" and "mundane" have the same phonetic prefix?
I was working a recording gig in the studio, and we were trying to get the percussion tracks down.
Every time the percussionist hit the floor tom, a low, sympathetic resonate frequency came through studio monitors.
"What's that?", asked the producer.
"Humdrum", I replied.
BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MONTE!
60 Hz humdrum, Chris? :-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
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Pre-emptive Halloween strike....what type of music do mummies prefer???..... " wrap "
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....why do demons and ghouls hang out together??/..Because demons are a ghouls`s best friend..............
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What is the dumbest animal in the jungle? ......... The polar bear.
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Just ate at a Japanese motorcycle themed burger and wine bar called the "Cow 'N' Sake".
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Halloween-ish for computer old-timers:
What do you get when you combine Lee Iacocca and Count Dracula?
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autoexec.bat
Mike
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Halloween-ish for computer old-timers:
What do you get when you combine Lee Iacocca and Count Dracula?
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autoexec.bat
Mike
Love it!
Haven't seen one of those since I used Quarterdeck memory management tools! Spent lots of time in my autoexec.bat and my config.sys too!!!
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Just ate at a Japanese motorcycle themed burger and wine bar called the "Cow 'N' Sake".
I`ve been there...waiter`s name was Won Hung Lo
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Is he related to the flight deck crew of the Aisaina 777 that piled up at SFO? As reported by KPIX news Captain Sum Ting Wong. First officer Wi To Low. Second officer Bang Ding Ow. Check Captain Ho Lee Fuk . I saw and heard this on the news.
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Just ate at a Japanese motorcycle themed burger and wine bar called the "Cow 'N' Sake".
I`ve been there...waiter`s name was Won Hung Lo
The maitre d' is a little light in his loafers there...his name is He Chew Dingdong
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:? :evil:
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How did the Scottish dog feel when he entered the spook-house ???...terrier-fied...
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What do you get when you cross breed a dog with Dracula??...a blood hound...........
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I`ll apologize for this one later.............How do West Virginian`s celebrate Halloween???...pumpkin
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What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
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Garage Journal jack-o-lantern
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Garage Journal jack-o-lantern
My ex-wife's broom is having engine problems again.
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Garage Journal jack-o-lantern
My ex-wife's broom is having engine problems again.
At least she can drive a stick.......................
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Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
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The average quality of today's postings (before this one) was pretty high.
This one will probably bring the average way down . . .
Isn't it nice to be able to go online . . . and save a trip to the bathroom?
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A normally nice young lady sent me the following, which I think fits this thread:
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on Trans Canada Highway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a police officer pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
What's going on here?
My car has a flat tire, I said calmly.
Well, he asked, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?
I couldn't believe that he didn't know - so I told him, Hellooo! Those are my emergency flashers!
Mike
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
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This friday joke thread is one of the nicest parts of the week.
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How does a tree get on the internet???? It logs on...........
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My cat Milo is afraid of trees....Must be the bark............... :cheers:
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While we're talking trees -
New movie starring Tom Hanks coming out about a curmudgeon who lives in the woods.
Forrest Grump
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un-be-leaf-able Chris...............
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My brother -in-law is so lazy...He thinks "manual labor" is a welter weight boxer from Mexico City.......... (truth be told...My bro` in law builds the most gorgeous canoes and boats entirely by hand...drills holes using a brace )
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My bro` in law builds the most gorgeous canoes and boats entirely by hand...drills holes using a brace
For drainage?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxEOiqtV_MA
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Such as this one....
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The group of canoers have all got their boats sorted, kit stowed and are impatiently waiting to get underway. One of their number, however, has emptied a huge bag of assorted types of headgear onto the ground. He picks one up, carefully examines it inside and out, and mumbles to himself, "six and five eighths". He then repacks the hat into his bag before picking up another one. He examines this one just as carefully and mutters "seven and a quarter!". He selects the next one, and the next, and the next, each time scrutinizing it meticulously before deciding on a number. This goes on for 10 minutes, and his mates are getting fed up. "Come on," says one, "We're all waiting for you. What do you think you are doing, anyway!"
"Just erring on the side of caution." he replies, "I'd sooner do all my cap-sizing on dry land!"
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Last night I dreamed I wrote Lord of the Rings… Linda says I was Tolkien in my sleep.
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Seems wives are always trying to keep our bad Hobbits in check . . .
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Seems wives are always trying to keep our bad Hobbits in check . . .
Now that I think about it, Kate was Tolkein in Czech . . .
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Linda asked me if I wanted to go to the YMCA with her for a jump rope exercise class.... I told her I'd rather skip it.
:cheers:
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8-)
The king's messenger walked by the king's grove of unique flat bananas. These amazing flat bananas had a reputation throughout the land for their beautiful color and sweet aroma. Alas, only the king could taste them. To take one of the king's flat bananas carried a death sentence.
One day while passing near the flat banana grove the messenger who had missed breakfast while on a special mission for the king, couldn't resist the wonderful aroma. He hopped the fence and picked just one banana. He was delighted! It was the best banana ever.
Just then the king's guard saw him and arrested him.
The next day the hapless messenger was brought before the king to receive his just punishment. He plead his case and reminded the king of his years of faithful service. The king felt compassion and decided to spare the man.
Overcome with joy the messenger ran dancing and rejoicing, and when he reached the street he was struck and run over by a bus. He died instantly.
The moral.......
You should look both ways before crossing the street.
Happy Friday!
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:cheers:
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A friend took his wife out for a drink...when they entered the bar, Some locals pointed and yelled " Pedophile!!!! Child molester "!!!....he`s 56, she`s 22.....It really spoiled their 10th anniversary............
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OK, to stray a little with a true story... one of my favorite burger joints has a burger and fries special, or sub in onion rings... since I'm a regular I asked the lady that takes orders to make mine kinky... she smiled and said half and half fries and rings.... yep... so I always order the kinky
The other day I ordered it pedo-kinky.... took her about 10 seconds... she said rings and tots... :-D
OK, back to your regularly scheduled Friday
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Friday is my 2nd favorite F word.
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After free? :mrgreen:
Mike
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When a child goes missing , a picture of them goes on a milk carton...If Caitlyn Jenner goes missing ...will they put his/her pic on a container of tranny fluid ?????? :evil:
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Seems there's a football game on this afternoon . . . GO HAWKS!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpU-AYZSoqc
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Seems there's a football game on this afternoon . . . GO HAWKS!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpU-AYZSoqc
Maybe they can do better than the Packers . . . . . . . . . . . :roll:
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When a child goes missing , a picture of them goes on a milk carton...If Caitlyn Jenner goes missing ...will they put his/her pic on a container of tranny fluid ?????? :evil:
Nope, half and half :-D
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Why do ambassadors never get sick????...They have diplomatic immunity
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What lies on the ocean floor and shakes?
A nervous wreck!
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Do you know what whales like to eat????/ Fish and ships................
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I need to know my pet whale`s weight.....I`ll take him down to the whale-weigh station..................
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Contrary to popular belief, Moby Dick is not a sexually transmitted disease.
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
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No, maybe it isn't, but one thing it is, I discovered the other day, is the name of a strain of pot that's sold in Michigan.
The stuff you learn on landracing.com, hey?
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While I'm sure there is an ocean full of fish jokes that will free your willy.... I think it is time we start to reflect on the season, and the big guy in the red suit that delivers potato chips to the good boys and girls.... Kris Pringle
:cheers:
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What does a cat get from walking on the beach?
Sandy claws
Mike
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O.k...if that`s how to want to play.....what did the bald guy say when he got a comb for X-mas???? " Thanks, I`ll never part with it...."
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what is a snowman`s favorite song???.."Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow...."
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What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa stopped at 3 ho's. :dhorse:
Mike
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:cheers:
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Why was santa`s helper depressed???? He had low elf-esteem............
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Why was santa`s helper depressed???? He had low elf-esteem............
"You can't fool me - there ain't no sanity clause."
Chico Marx
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If 2015 were a person....I`d sue him for pain,suffering and lost wages.....happy New year everyone. :cheers:
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Jerry, my hearing is a little bad.... but sorry you experienced pain and suffering in Las Vegas... most have fear and loathing...
Happy New Year all :cheers:
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Argon walks in to a bar...The bartender yells ' Scram..we don`t serve noble gases' The argon doesn`t react............
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My new theory of inertia seems to be gaining momentum............
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The closer you get to the speed of light, the longer you live :-o
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My new theory of inertia seems to be gaining momentum............
I thought that was you, Jerry. I just received your memo on the new stationary.
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Uh-Oh.....I hear the spelling police......................
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It wasn't moving.
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I took the bride out last night to liquor her up...she drinks to tolerate me. We were sitting there chatting and I heard a voice..." Nice shirt'...Then I heard it again." Your daughter is very pretty'....then I heard it say.." I really like your haircut". The bartender walked by and I asked if she heard the voice too...She said " It`s the peanuts...They`re complimentary....................."
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I took the bride out last night to liquor her up...she drinks to tolerate me. We were sitting there chatting and I heard a voice..." Nice shirt'...Then I heard it again." Your daughter is very pretty'....then I heard it say.." I really like your haircut". The bartender walked by and I asked if she heard the voice too...She said " It`s the peanuts...They`re complimentary....................."
You know it's Stupid Joke Friday when the nuts start talking.
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I took the bride out last night to liquor her up...she drinks to tolerate me. We were sitting there chatting and I heard a voice..." Nice shirt'...Then I heard it again." Your daughter is very pretty'....then I heard it say.." I really like your haircut". The bartender walked by and I asked if she heard the voice too...She said " It`s the peanuts...They`re complimentary....................."
You know it's Stupid Joke Friday when the nuts start talking.
Are you sure you have the correct thread ???????
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1. Judge: I’ve decided to give your ex-wife $800 per month in alimony. Defendant: That’s fine your Honor. And once in a while, I’ll chip in a few bucks myself.
2. How easy is it to count in binary code? It is as easy as 01 10 11.
3. I told my brother-in-law that onions were the only food that makes you cry. So he threw a coconut at my face.
4. A recent survey showed that out of 2,156,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
5. What is Forrest Gump’s password? 1Forrest1
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4. A recent survey showed that out of 2,156,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
68.739% of all Internet statistics are made up. :mrgreen:
Mike
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let`s celebrate winter......................where does a snowman keep his money??/ In the snow bank
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let`s celebrate winter......................where does a snowman keep his money??/ In the snow bank
And what does he keep in his safe deposit box?
24 carrots.
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let`s celebrate winter......................where does a snowman keep his money??/ In the snow bank
I don't know Jerry, the forecast looks like it snow laughing matter :cheers:
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what do you call a string of snow shoe rabbits hopping backward???? a receeding hare line...................
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Godzilla walks in to a gas station and says " Fill `er up" attendant says " You need a car for that" Godzilla says " I just had a car this morning....."
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1. There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.
2. It was so cold last week…that I saw several suppliers with their hands in their own pockets.
3. If you take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm, and success…there is really no difference between me and George Clooney.
4. One day the boss says you are the best thing since sliced bread. The next day you are toast. [204 Engineers laid off at local GE yesterday! :cry:]
5. I noticed a new trend in the office lately. Everyone is putting their names on their food. No really…I saw it while I was eating a sandwich named Bruce.
Bonus: I told my doctor about my loss of memory and he made me pay in advance.
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I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!
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Was the drug dealer a ....sole brother??? ( here come the P.C. police)
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Was the drug dealer a ....sole brother??? ( here come the P.C. police)
I think that comment was a little tongue in cheek perhaps?
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Indeed it was...I need to toe the line around here.............
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Indeed it was...I need to toe the line around here.............
Heel boy, heel.
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Indeed it was...I need to toe the line around here.............
Heel boy, heel.
Eye let that one slip by....................
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Police arrested two teen boys yesterday...One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged the first one and the other was let off................
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Indeed it was...I need to toe the line around here.............
Heel boy, heel.
Eye let that one slip by....................
You guys need to be careful, someone could get shanked.
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Way to go Jerry. :-D :-D :-D :-D :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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KIWIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
https://www.youtube.com/embed/HG_wfMK7dko?rel=0
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My cat Milo drank a bottle of vinegar....talk about a sour-puss......................... :cheers:
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My job is secure . . . . . . . . . no one else wants it!
:cheers:
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You can consider yourself lucky in life . . . . . . if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.
:cheers:
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
:cheers:
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How much did the pirate pay for his earrings????...a Buccaneer....................
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1. How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
1 or 2 1…..or 2….?
2. I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything in there.
3. I ate warm seafood last night and now I feel a little eel….
4. The person who invented the shovel had a ground-breaking idea.
5. I dreamed about drowning in a sea of orange soda. As it turns out, it was just a Fanta Sea.
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Rest ya brain time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EQW7FNL0sE&ebc=ANyPxKroWJj6qFcjg6oYtZvd8Ca4dUTKRxxn13J5NrOYySy208taWqxdKvJTP4i8C36It1KD9J-TsKGvpynAzLsUDb92ofjF0w
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what was the most common illness aboard the starship Enterprise????.....chicken Spocks
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Bonus **** what do you call a female moth??..A myth
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1. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That is just how I roll, baby.
2. I told all of you 10 jokes in the last 2 weeks to make you laugh. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.
3. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
4. Why aren’t koalas actual bears? Because they don’t meet the koalafications.
5. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you will be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
Bonus: I just realized that Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh both have the same middle name!
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COMMA COP ALERT! COMMA COP ALERT!!
Woody, you're busted. "Lay" takes an object. "Lie" is the action (or, in this case, lack thereof) and what you should have used.
COMMA COP ALERT Dismissed.
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Did you hear about the lady that backed into the airplane propeller............. disaster.
Explanation below if you need it
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Dis Assed Her
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Hey comma cop, if Woody threw a Porn star in there wouldn't he have to lay awake... some things you can't do in your sleep.... unless they lie there... then maybe you can do them in their sleep :| :roll:
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Ouch!!! :-D :-D :-D
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Slim, you did not read me my Miranda rights! I am just a victim of society - I just copies and pastes! :x
^ Is this comma OK?
Guess I'll have my lawyer draw up a disclaimer. :-D :-(
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Woody the doofus said: "...I just copies and pastes!..."
Yep - and that, unfortunately, is a common cop-out these days. No offense meant, fella -- we all owe you for the stuff you do for the site and our games. But still -- for a similar reason to my concern over willy-nilly use of copy-and-paste ---- is the faith that way too many people put in spell check systems. While yes, they are getting better and better as AI grows, but still -- the spell check writers need to have superlative skills in spelling if they're going to be used world-wide as proof that (a specific) word is spelled correctly.
And so on. But still, since this is the joke column - - -
The guy and his wife are in the bedroom, lights dim, and he's about to mount her for their monthly sex session.
He proceeds and she endures what he does and then he's about done when she gets a cramp and has to move her leg.
They guy stops in his tracks (so to speak) and asks her with a concern-laden voice: "Did I hurt you? For a minute there you moved!" :-D :cheers:
PS Yes, that particular comma is fine right where it lies.
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Why did the dogsled racer name his lead dog " Frost"??/... Because frost bites...........
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I wonder if a sled dogs babies are called slush puppies???..........
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How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how many are blonde............
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I complimented my wife, and she got angry. I told her "I don't know how you find
the energy or time to do all the things you do. You leave a sinkful of dirty dishes.
You leave dirty laundry all over the house. You let the trashcan overflow. You
let yourself get fat. How do you find the time to do all this?"
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I've been wanting to tell my Jonestown joke, but the punch line was too long . . .
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I was a member of Heaven's Gate with Marshall and Bonnie :-o
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I've been wanting to tell my Jonestown joke, but the punch line was too long . . .
.....we can shut this thread down now................. :cheers:
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why did the cows keep returning to the field of cannabis plants??...it was another case of the pot calling the cattle back... :cheers:
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Jerry you're the world champion, period. :-D
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I was a member of Heaven's Gate with Marshall and Bonnie :-o
John, I'm glad you were able to eshoe their influence . . .
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I was a member of Heaven's Gate with Marshall and Bonnie :-o
John, I'm glad you were able to eshoe their influence . . .
But I did drive a Comet :-o
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I'm back, a little bit.
Do you know why you should never mess with a paleontologist?
You will get jurasskicked!
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what is red and round???..a red circle....enough of that, I have to go down to see my German barber...Herr Kutz.. :cheers:
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Mrs.Floydjer has a fear of elevators..but she` s taking steps to avoid them....
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SSS: I deny any and all spelling/comma complicity for the following content! :x
1. When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, essentially you become a vacuum cleaner.
2. If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive, eventually they would find me attractive.
3. I just read that 4,328,893 people got married last year. Hmmmm, shouldn’t that be an even number?
4. A woman almost hit me while I was driving to work this morning.
She changed lanes without paying attention because she was putting on makeup!
I was so upset, I almost dropped my doughnut, cell phone, and razor while steering with my knees.
5. A sign in front of a bar reads: Come in and meet your future ex-wife.
6. What is the difference between an onion and an accordion? Nobody cries when you chop up an accordion.
7. The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
8. “I have found, by my own investigation, the internet contains an abundance of quotations by the famous which cannot be verified.” – Abraham Lincoln
9. How many substitute teachers does it take to change a light bulb? None – they just leave it dark and show a movie.
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Mrs.Floydjer has a fear of elevators..but she` s taking steps to avoid them....
I'm sure she gets lots of stares :cheers:
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tread lightly Bob.................. :cheers:
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Woody, I'm having a bit of a time getting "complicity" to work. I even looked it up in a paper dictionary. I dunno -- yeah, but clumsy -- that'll be my call 'til further elucidation yields fruit. :-)
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tread lightly Bob.................. :cheers:
Occasionally I can rise to the situation, otherwise I run, rarely in spirals depends on the case :-D :cheers:
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I knew you`d step up to the plate...........
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I was trying to escalate this tread but I may need a handrail Jerry :cheers:
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How Long is a Chinese name................................................ :evil:
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didn`t like that one eh?? what did the baby porcupine say after he backed into a cactus???..." Mom?"
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Great, Jerry. That first one is a winner. Will a black hat do? (Not, you understand, that I think you're aiming to go 4 on your Go-Scooter). :cheers: :roll:
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Sigh..................I shall attempt to keep us on topic. Mrs, Floydjer and I were crossing Lake Michigan aboard the car ferry "Badger"..It was rather windy and each time the wind gusted, MFJ would hold onto her Landracing cap with both hands. An elderly passenger walked over and said..".Excuse me..But each time you hold that cap with both hands, your skirt blows up and I can see your mommie-part " The bride replied" Oh that thing is 62 years old....But this L/R cap is NEW " :cheers:
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I'll join in.
What does the Easter bunny get for making baskets?
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two points,,,,,,,,,same as everybody else
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Given that it seems to be a hot topic in the down time between floods....
(http://lowres.jantoo.com/women-droning-unmanned_drone-vehicle-single-drone-30705862_low.jpg)
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why did the All-Witch baseball team forfeit their game????? Because their bats flew away............
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1. How many of you love to set off fireworks? …raise your hook hand.
2. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
3. I almost had a psychic girlfriend once, but she left me before we met.
4. If you believe in psychokinesis…..raise my hand.
5. I visited the office of the SPCA yesterday…it is sooo small you can’t even swing a cat in there!
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Did you hear the West Virginia governers mansion caught fire last night?
It burned down to the axle.
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Why aren't there many jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones.......The punch lines are too long!!
Sorry, it might be an old one but I just saw it posted somewhere today and had to share!
Cheers :cheers:
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what is the difference between a dog and a marine biologist??..The dog wags a tail................
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...The other tags a whale :cheers: did I tell you I took my dog to the Flea Circus?? he stole the show !!!
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1. I heard on the news that a local barbershop is accused of illegally dumping hair clippings. The police are combing the area.
2. I bet my butcher $100 that he could not reach the meat on the top shelf. “No thanks,” he said, “the steaks are too high.”
3. My boss is not happy with my appearance. I only appear at work about every third day.
4. When my boss told me I was late for the fifth day in a row, I thought, “Wahoo, it’s Friday!”
5. It is difficult to explain jokes to kleptomaniacs because they take things, literally.
Bonus for Slim attached!
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. . . It's something I'm proud of.
That's the sort of thing up with which Slim will not put!
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Woody, I admire your self-flagellation. Thanks for the perspicacious frammistan, too. And speaking of fractured sentence structure:
"Hey - wouldja pass me over the table the salt?"
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If a turtle loses it`s shell ..Is it homeless or just naked...?
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Puns about insects bug me.............
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1. I think the Wild West in the 1880’s could have avoided a lot of conflict had the architects designed the towns big enough for everyone.
2. My neighbor is in the Guinness Book Of World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. Just a stone’s throw away, in fact.
3. I work out religiously …. Christmas and Easter.
4. The office Christmas party is a great time to catch up with people you haven’t seen in 20 minutes.
5. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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One Christmas gift I`ll always remember was a section of a log that was stripped of bark and had a 30-06 round in it....It was a cartridge in a bare tree.....
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair. "
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1. Farmers make a fortune from selling hay. They are literally raking it in.
2. Music comes full circle…..
1985: “Vinyl sounds awesome!”
1995: “You still listen to music on vinyl? Vinyl is dead, man. [Remember 4 & 8-tracks?] CD’s are rad!”
2005: “You still listen to music on CD’s? CD’s suck, dude. iPods are the bomb!”
2013: “You still listen to music on iPods? Use the cloud from your phone, bro! Streaming is supreme!”
Now: “You still stream music? Streaming is sick! Vinyl sounds awesome.”
3. There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
4. I have been reading the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
5. Mommy dog to puppy: “Don’t fill up on homework. We’re eating dinner soon.”
6. I don't always use a passive voice but when I do it's intentional!
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A cat was walking across a field when he fell down a well....I guess he didn`t see that well...... :cheers: (Thank You Megyn Kelly )
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1. I re-named my ipod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”
2. The bad news is that your blood and DNA were found at a crime scene. The good news is that your cholesterol is 130.
3. Nature abhors a vacuum. But not as much as a cat does.
4. Running to the Emerald City to see the Wizard, the Tin Man got run over by a steam roller. He said, “Rats, foiled again.”
5. How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light bulb? Whatever.
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What if there were no hypothetical situations??.....
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Frosty the snowman and his wife have a 5 year old son....It`s the son`s birthday, so Mrs. S/M bakes a cake for the lad. The kid takes a big slice, Bites into it, spits it out and yells " This tastes like boogers " !...Mom replies...." "Well...It is carrot cake " :cheers:
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1. Taxi drivers are the only folks I know who earn a living by driving their customers away.
2. I’d tell you a joke about a roof, but I think it will be over your head.
3. I plan to be spontaneous first thing tomorrow.
4. Always give 100% whatever you do. Except when giving blood.
5. I like to stop the microwave oven with 1 second left…just to pretend I defused a nuke.
6. How do you count cows? With a cowculator!
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Never try to teach a pig to sing: It wastes your time and annoys the pig. :o)
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So a guy gives his mate ten Puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh . Sadly no pun in ten did .
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My cat Milo has decided to become a police officer....so I`ll have a family member in paw enforcement..............
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...He` eating breakfast right now.....Mice krispies.............
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I am really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.... I don't know Y...
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I`ll bet numbers like you Rob...except 4 the 1`s you 8.....................
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1. When the book fell on my head, I had only my shelf to blame.
2. When my brother-in-law started telling a joke about his GPS, I wasn’t sure where it was going.
3. I have doubts about “Smartwater,” given how easily it was captured and bottled.
4. Never eat Oreo’s before going to the dentist. They hate that.
5. My wife told me I was good in bed last night. Well… what she actually said was that I didn’t snore at all the whole night.
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Woody...Re: # 4...I always eat a box of Oreo`s before a dentist appointment.....I like to get my monies worth........................... :cheers:
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Have you heard of an Australian kiss?
It's a lot like a French kiss, just down-under.
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Woody...Re: # 4...I always eat a box of Oreo`s before a dentist appointment.....I like to get my monies worth........................... :cheers:
Try peanut brittle and a spinach salad next time! They'll probably pay you to stay home! :-D :-D
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Why do watermelons have big weddings?...Because they cantaloupe.................
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** Bonus**..Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because she didn`t like the taste of Adam`s banana
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How can you spot the blind man at the nude beach?
....it's not hard.
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.................????? I thought that was how you find an old man in the dark.................. :cheers:
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Before Slim, Monte, Mike et-al have a field day at my expense...NO..I do NOT go looking for old men in the dark. jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. :cheers:
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Before Slim, Monte, Mike et-al have a field day at my expense...NO..I do NOT go looking for old men in the dark. jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. :cheers:
Just the young ones? :evil:
Sorry, but you did set yourself up for that one, carry on.
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Or maybe just in the light? Same principle...
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tough crowd...But trust me...spending 58 years with my name has given me a sense of humor. :cheers:
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1. My brother-in-law asked me where he could buy a sports shirt. I told him, “New Jersey.”
2. Mary fell out of bed this morning and said, “Oh sheet!”
3. I'm addicted to a placebo. I'd quit but it wouldn't make any difference!
4. Someday, I might like to have a job cleaning mirrors. It is a job I can see myself doing.
5. What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.
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No, Floydjer. Say it isn't so. You're actually Barack Obama?
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Guess I'll go first today....
What do you call it when a dog eats jewelry? A diamond in the ruff.
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1. I tried that new grapefruit diet that consists of eating 12 grapefruit a day. I lost weight, but every time I went to the bathroom, I squirted myself in the eye.
2. A photon walks to airport security. The agent asks if she has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I am traveling light.”
3. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
4. A hyperbole walks into a bar and literally tears it to smithereens with his bare hands.
5. Randy is afraid of negative numbers. He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I'm sure glad I don't make these up! :x :-D
Bonus: Blonde looks at her boyfriend's phone and wants to know who the hell is Amber Alert!
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#1: Nyehh
#2: Not bad but could use a bit of development
#3: Good
#4: Superb!!
#5: Classically fine
Thanks. Where do you get 'em?
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sorry I`m late...The bride`s birthday.......what is a King`s favorite type of weather??? " Hail " !
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What's a pirate's favorite letter? You may think it's the RRRRR, but it's the C that they're in love with! Aye
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Of course the Queen prefers ...' Reighn "
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To keep it on topic, bbarn, years ago I just couldn't bring myself to buy any Apple products. They seemed beneath my level of integrity as I wasn't interested in supporting all their pirated products.
Oh, you weren't aware that they did that? It's true... all of their stuff is pirated. And I'm sure Steve Jobs is still chuckling in his grave about how he put one over on so many people with his aye-pod, his aye-pad his aye-phone, etc.
Just sayin'
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And SSS your jokes are not nearly as funny as Woody's. Try and step it up a notch or two would ya'?
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Jim, I work hard to hold back - so I allow folks with even a portion of comedy sense to hold forth. I sure don't want to show off too much. That's for Nancy to do. :evil:
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sorry I`m late...The bride`s birthday.......what is a King`s favorite type of weather??? " Hail " !
Of course the Queen prefers ...' Reighn "
my thought is that kings n queens prefer reign but horses prefer no rein...
of course those thoughts get my giddy up :cheers:
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That's what I want for the BSF "NO REIN". :-D :-D
Ron
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Recycled from eons ago:
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes, I did. He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant? This is side picture profile of the man's face. Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too."
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture? »
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, hellooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
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I stopped at a red light behind a little old lady in a powder blue Chevy Cavalier..When the light changed, She put the car in reverse ,backed into the `Burb, Put the car in drive, turned hard to starboard and drove over the curb, went down a side street and ran the red light at the next intersection. I caught up to her sitting at green light texting her grandson and digging through her purse for parking meter change. I walked up to her window and expressed my disbelief at the possibility that she had a valid driver`s lic. she said..." Oh I don`t need one....My doctor asked how old I am and when I said 98, he took my license and cut in in half then tossed it in the trash and told me I don`t need one any longer"......
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Just in from the department of Sad but True.............
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He was only treating the kid as another Gorilla. Those parents???????
They need to get locked up.
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Not a joke but funny Canadian commercial.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/eryxAcsTcOA?rel=0
Ron
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L.C. Leprechaun, known by his friends and children everywhere as "Lucky", was found bludgeoned to death is his upper east side flat Tuesday morning. Officials described the scene as "a milk bath", with small, colorful marshmallow candies shaped like "pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers", scattered around Mr. Leprechaun's lifeless and beaten body.
Shocked neighbors described Mr. Leprechaun as outgoing, yet paranoid, citing numerous instances when he'd warn his neighbors, "They're always after me lucky charms".
A short press release from General Foods, Mr. Leprechaun's long-time employer, expressed the company's condolences to friends and family, but an unnamed source within the organization suspects a gangland connection to the murder.
The unnamed source notes "rising tensions" in the competitive breakfast cereal market, and squarely lays blame for the murder at the feet of reputed cereal syndicate boss, known only as "Cap'n Crunch", and his Life-long associate, Mike E.
When asked about an organized crime connection, police officials refused to speculate, only describing the crime as "Tragically malicious".
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Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor — it rubbed me the wrong way.
Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar.
Q: What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
A: A Hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter!
Q: What do you call a magic owl?
A: Whodini!
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1. Yoga pants are the latest trend. Women seem to be bending over backwards just to try them out.
2. According to the movies I’ve watched, I should have found a treasure map by now, or stepped in some quicksand, or at least shot a padlock off a door with a pistol.
3. Every Scooby Doo episode would only be a few minutes long if the gang had only gone to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
4. What kind of exercises do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
5. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he must to it at dinnertime.
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I named my printer Bob Marley....It always be jammin`............ :cheers:
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I told my girlfriend that she was drawing her eyebrows on too high
She seemed surprised
G
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:?
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I know I'm early but
(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160609/661d47d049373a0e69809c007f58ab3a.jpg)
Rob Freyvogel
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It's Friday in Singapore Jerry...
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:x
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ok,ok...it IS now Friday...
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A PRIVATE TUTOR!
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You ever eat a clock??? It`s time consuming...................
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Whaddaya call a guy with no arms and no legs that picks a fight with a cat? ............................Claude.
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Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
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yep
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:x
Sorry Jerry!
If I would waited to Friday, I would have forgotten.
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Cat`s breeding with dogs...up is down...black is white...SJF posts on Thursday.....It`s the apocalypse :cheers:
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Useless inventions
1. “Control-alt-delete” wand.
2. Toe plows
3. Bread Gloves
4. Hand Shades
5. Battery Powered Battery Charger (Batteries not included)
Other useless items:
Artificial appendix
Solar powered flashlight
Biodegradable condom
Free-range vegetables
Inflatable dartboard
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#5
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Cat`s breeding with dogs...up is down...black is white...SJF posts on Thursday.....It`s the apocalypse :cheers:
Just be glad he didn't show the one about Sir Cumcision! :-o :-o
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Woody...You left out ' pedal powered Wheel chair".............. :cheers:
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:cheers:
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***Note*** Before the PC police get their knickers in a wad...My father (rest his soul) Lived through a MASSIVE stroke which left him completely paralyzed. I shall make all the wheelchair jokes I choose to. Thank you, Jerry
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When my kid was little he always refused to take a nap.... Yep the kid resisted a rest :cheers:
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I'll never remember this for next winter, so I have to tell you about the Frosty the snow man article I saw in the metro section... guess he was out drinking, didn't look both ways and ended up getting plowed
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I bought a sheep that was older than the seller told me it was...Patti took one look and said.." Ewe were fleeced "... :cheers:
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Indeed
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some serious competition for Elon Musk from......
Mercedes of all people!
http://player.theplatform.com/p/NnzsPC/widget/select/media/guid/2410887629/3021121
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some serious competition for Elon Musk from......
Mercedes of all people!
http://player.theplatform.com/p/NnzsPC/widget/select/media/guid/2410887629/3021121
Good timing on their part: http://electrek.co/2016/06/14/all-new-cars-mandated-electric-germany-2030/ :-o :-D :-o :-D
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1. Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage works best.
2. People will believe you when you tell them that there are 4 billion stars in the sky, but if you tell them the paint is wet….
3. I called a psychic once. She asked who it was. So I hung up.
4. Don’t you dislike it when someone puts LOL at the end of every text? I do…LOL.
5. If you see a woman on the arm of an accordion player, it is probably a tattoo.
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For all the men out there!!!
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A retired veteran takes up painting as a hobby...One morning he shouts to his wife to come and see the new painting he has just completed...." Its an abstract that shows the results of 7 1/2 years of obama " he advises...He wife yells back..." Just flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast" :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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.....Nothing like a little reality to sully up a joke thread.....................
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Let me see if I can get this back on track....
What is yellow and smells of bananas? Ape vomit.
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Banana jokes have appeal...............................
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if you guys need some banana jokes...I have a bunch............
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reminds me of the banana that stayed home from school...He didn`t peel well.................
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I might peel a couple bananas and make slippers out of them.....................
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You know what the banana did when the cops showed up right? He split!
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I am going bananas......at least that is what I say to my bananas when I leave...............
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More worthless inventions ............... :cry: :cry:
Sorry, I'm not biting on the banana jokes! :x :x
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I was walking back to the `Burb from my daily stop at the cigar shop when a real shabby looking homeless guy asked for $5. I asked if he`d use the $ for liquor or gambling. He said " No"...so I asked him to come to my house so my wife could see what a guy that doesn`t drink or gamble ends up looking like............... :evil:
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I went to the new zoo in Kechi, a little town down the road... they had one small dog on display :-o
I said "this is a Shitzhu" :roll:
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1. I could not figure out how to fasten my seat-belt…then it clicked.
2. My brother-in-law only knows 25 letters of the alphabet. He doesn’t know why.
3. “I dropped my toothpaste,” Jill said crestfallen.
“Well then, I’m leaving,” Tom pointed out.
4. “Don’t use that tone of voice with me!” said Ryan’s boss at the helium factory.
5. He was such a depressing guy that he puts the F U in fun.
Blonde bonus:
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down......
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble"
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
You know you will forward this.
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When I have the remote, I watch Drag racing, Nascar racing, Football, and especially beach volleyball, when my wife has the remote she watches How not To Kill Your Husband. :?
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Do you know why a milking stool has three legs?
The cow has the udder!
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That is udderly ridiculous....... :evil:
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Cow puns AGAIN ????.........I hope Slim doesn`t have a beef with it.......................
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...he`ll come in at the tail end and put his hoof down.......... :dhorse: :dhorse: :dhorse:
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...Make no mi-steak....I`m not trying to steer this thread.............
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...I`ll go hide now...Unless someone else horns in...........
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Just Rib-bing you Jon...Don`t slaughter me...........
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If we could get Mr Fishbeck to change topic to turkey....would that be Is-Stan-bull ???
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That guy is un-beef-leaveable
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The stampede will be on now...
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I think I'll just follow the herd.
Ron
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What a bunch of Bull! Reading it all made me laugh so hard I choked. I went "Calf! Calf! Calf!".
Over to you, Monte. :roll:
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Sounds like the cows are coming in.
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Yep Rouse, they're Hoofing it....
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You guys are sure milking this for all it's worth
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A lot of energy this week.
I'll state my case from America's Dairyland about this overly energetic bovine bashing . . .
Drink milk - it's decalfinated.
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Oh yeah??...what would you say if I fed a stick of dynamite to a steer??.. That`s abominable. :cheers:
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Jerry, that was just terri-bull!
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You do know that when a bull falls asleep,I you refer to him as a........ bull dozer!
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Running the same subject for two weeks in a row is a bunch of bull! :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
Pete
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Then steer the herd to a new pasture Pete.............. :evil:
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A magician was working a nightclub in Acapulco. He says to the audience, "Prepare to be astounded, on the count of three I will disappear from before your eyes". He counts, "Uno, dos" and then POOF, vanishes without a "Tres".
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Monte...No kidding?? I have an addiction to magic tricks, In fact my therapist thinks I should confess my sickness to my wife. After I explained to him that I just can`t face her with the awful truth he suggested writing a letter instead....But I just can`t pick up the.....Penn and Teller.... :cheers:
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Jerry, that leaves me speechless.
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I was having a beer at the bar when a waitress screamed "Does anyone know C P R?" I yelled back, " I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed. Well, everyone except one guy.
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A buddy of mine gave me an Epi-pen...It must be really valuable...He handed it to me just before he died........
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What type of lights did Noah install on the Ark????.......Flood lights..... :cheers:
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Noah was the first market wizard... he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
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....And Sam Adams was the first multi-sport athlete....He was a Brewer AND a Patriot...................
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....And Sam Adams was the first multi-sport athlete....He was a Brewer AND a Patriot...................
His career as a Patriot was overinflated, but his cousin got traded to Washington.
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The whole family played football...His sister was a wide receiver and his gay brother was a tight end..........
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Why do we invest money with a person called a " Broker" ???? :?
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Because you get "Broker" :roll:
-
why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks??...Because...they are a little meteor..... :cheers:
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Good morning to you, too, Jerry. :roll:
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Yes 3-S...I was late with my moon joke...I`m running ...behind :cheers:
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BUT....Do you know how the man in the moon cuts his hair??? ..... eclipse it :cheers:
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What do you get after playing the lute for 10 hours straight?
Minstrel cramps.
[Note: Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.]
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This is from Rodney Dangerfield.
I've cut back on smoking. Now I only smoke after sex. Problem is I have the same pack I bought in 1987.
Yea yea, but my wife is up to three packs a day.
When I was born the doctor spanked me, that's normal right?.... But the nurse decided to get in a few whacks too.
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What do you get after playing the lute for 10 hours straight?
Minstrel cramps.
[Note: Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.]
true...But they come with no strings attached.......sorry, just trying to....pad...my post count.
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Jerry, I see scientists from Russia, India and China are all trying to reinvigorate their lunar space programs - which will lead to crater diversity.
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I don`t know what kind of impact that will have Chris..........................
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They're off to a rocky start....
But at least the gravity of the subject won't keep them down.
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Know why you never see elephants hiding in trees??....Because they are REALLY good at it..................
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How does a train eat ??...It goes choo-choo................
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YEA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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It seems to me that Great Britain and the United States are in the midst of a contest to see which one can make the biggest mess out of their country. Right now, England appears to be in the lead, but we do have the Trump card
-
Jerry????
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Pete and Repeat claim some of these may be repeats ..........
I was addicted to the hokey-pokey but I turned myself around.
Went to the Air & Space museum but there was nothing there! [For gkabbt :-D]
Hold the door open for a clown - it's a nice jester!
If attacked by a mob of clowns go for the juggler!
The second mouse gets the cheese!
My reality check bounced!
All those that believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
Between two evils I always pick the one I've never tried!
Cure for an obsession - get another one!
The first five days after a weekend are the hardest!
I child proofed my home but the kids still get in.
The past, present and future walk into a bar - it was tense!
A clear conscience is the first sign of a fuzzy memory.
Does seven days without meat make one week?
Ban pre-shredded cheese - make America grate again! :cheers:
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What did the carrot say to the disc jockey??....lettuce turnip the beet...............................
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1. Woman: It’s nice outside today, let’s go for a walk.
Man: Hahaha. I like the way you pronounce, “Let’s go for a drink.”
2. Larry had a doctor’s appointment but he didn’t want to go. So he called in sick.
3. A man sued the airlines for his misplaced luggage. But ultimately he lost his case.
4. My brother-in-law is surprised that women’s soccer has so many participants… given that they all have to show up wearing the same outfit.
5. I was just diagnosed with color-blindness. I had no idea…it came at me out of the green.
Bonus:
I ate some uranium for breakfast and now I have… atomic ache.
I realized that I'm unique - just like everyone else! :-o :-D
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How does NASA put together an office party????....They planet :cheers:
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I just heard on the news that some guy killed several people on a train in Mexico.....He had loco motives.......................
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Easiest place to drown a hipster???..In the mainstream.................
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I asked a bank teller to check my balance....So she pushed me backwards.......................
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.....................a bartender says...." Sorry, We don`t served time travelers here.....................a time traveler walks into a bar.................... :cheers:
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Missed last week so double abuse today ..................
1. We took our puppy to the vet because the poor little thing had a fever. The vet said to pour mustard on her… because it is good on a hot dog.
2. A cheese factory blew up in France last week and there was nothing left but du Brie.
3. Player: “Coach, my doctor says I can’t play football.” Coach: “I could have told you that!”
4. I told my doctor I am dizzy during the first ½ hour after I wake. He told me to sleep 30 minutes longer.
5. If I decide not to get that brain transplant, did I change my mind?
6. I told the guy who knocked on my front door that I had not requested a piano tuning. “But your neighbors did,” he replied.
7. Dr. Frankenstein gravely misunderstood the objective when he entered the local bodybuilding contest.
8. My niece asked me if I wanted to see something really swell. “Sure!,” I replied. So she hit my thumb with a hammer.
9. I was at the doctor’s office and I saw a banana sitting next to me. “Not peeling well?,” I inquired.
10. When is a dog’s tail not a tail? When it’s a-waggin.
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Do you know why it became tradition for a man to ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because he got tired of using his own!
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A woman goes into a doctor`s office to talk about her teen daughter...she tells the Dr. that the girl spends all day in bed eating yeast and car wax...The doc says " Don`t fret over it...She`ll rise and shine....."
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Dr Goggles said he would hit me with the neck of his guitar for bringing up his birthday...
I said "that sounds like a fret"
:-D :cheers:
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Stainless, you've created a bridge that opens up the day to guitar puns. Oh, no -- I can see a string of 'em coming up accelerando.
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Stainless, you've created a bridge that opens up the day to guitar puns. Oh, no -- I can see a string of 'em coming up accelerando.
Thus ends the first bout . . .
I'm just the kind of nut to pickup on that . . .
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Pick, pick, pick. Is that all you know how to do????
Ron
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I would be willing to stick my neck out and say no, but it might get strung along
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Bravo !....Those were finger pickin` good.................
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I didn't think youse guys were capo-ble of such depravities to our language.
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I took guitar lessons until my teacher went to jail....they busted him for fingering A minor..................
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what do you call a guitar that doesn`t work ???....A quitar................. :cheers:
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Ladies and Germs of the Forum: Shall we let Jerry get away with taking our exercise of pure intellectual fun on a tangent just so he can feel he's contributing? :? :? :? :? :? :cheers:
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Ladies and Germs of the Forum: Shall we let Jerry get away with taking our exercise of pure intellectual fun on a tangent just so he can feel he's contributing? :? :? :? :? :? :cheers:
IF YOU STOP HIM THERE WILL BE LITTLE REASON TO COME TO THIS SITE!!!!
All this fretting over a little humor is nuts!!!!
We need to bridge the gap between serious and humor in such a way to strike a chord with the community. Jerry shows action when it comes to extending the olive branch to the serious folk.
Hammer-on Jerry you can pull-off the win!!!
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Nice of you to stick your....neck.... out for me Rob..................
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Ladies and Germs of the Forum: Shall we let Jerry get away with taking our exercise of pure intellectual fun on a tangent just so he can feel he's contributing? :? :? :? :? :? :cheers:
YES!!
:cheers:
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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus...The bartender says " You mean a martini? "..The Roman says " If I wanted a double...I would have asked for one..." ( That better Slim ??? )
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The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.
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It's Friday, for cripe's sake, and nobody has posted a joke.
WTF?
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It's Friday, for cripe's sake, and nobody has posted a joke.
WTF?
Sorry, I watched the Commander-in-Chief Forum. I'm still trying to recover my sense of humor.
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Commander-in-Chief Forum? A new video game?
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Wow....you guys started without ME ???.....My blonde friend Marybeth called last night and wondered if I could "take a gander" at her car...The brakes were acting funny....I asked where she was.." In the grocery store" was the reply...So I inquired as to where the car was...." It`s in here with me ....."
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Commander-in-Chief Forum? A new video game?
Only if combined with Whack-A-Mole!
1. If I got 50 cents for every math exam I failed, I’d have $ 6.30 right now.
2. Do not get tricked into going to the bathroom in a dream. It’s a trap!
3. I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive vowel movement.
4. My neighbor says that I am snoopy. Maybe I shouldn’t take what she writes in her diary so personally.
5. I am not a schizophrenic and neither am I.
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Triple- S.....don`t go sullying-up my joke thread with politics....I`ve told you that 39 times...Guess you can`t recall...... :cheers:
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I'll give you about a three and a half, at best, Jerry, for that one. :? I had to work at it way too much to be a good Friday funny. Sorry. :-(
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Well, I deed a drink now!.
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My cat Milo is a bad story teller...He only has one tail............
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What is smarter than a cat??...A spelling bee............
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I think Milo is voting for Hillary Kitten...............
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You should teach Milo to play cards... That way he'd hope for trumps
Rouse
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1. Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.
2. It is literally unpossible for me to fail an English test. Try me!
3. Brunette: I slept with a Brazilian. Blonde: Wow! How many is a Brazilian?
4. Words cannot express how limited my vocabulary is.
5. Being cremated is my last hope of having a smoking hot body.
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How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb???/..None, let her wash dishes in the dark.......
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How do you tell if your wife is going blind??..Put a windshield in front of her............... :cheers:
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I had a wife once... easy to remember the anniversary... I was a fool, but got married the second I had to....
everyone should now know the date :cheers:
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How To Write Good [I was going to save this for your BD, SSS, but ..........]
1. Avoid Alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid clichés like the plague. They are old hat.
4. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
5. Be more or less specific.
6. Writers should never generalize.
Seven: Be consistent!
8. The use of passive voice is to be avoided.
9. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
10. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
11. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
12. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
13. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
14. Exaggeration is a brazillian times worse than understatement.
15. Don’t forget to end your sentences in punctuation
16. Foreign words and phrases: no mas.
17. Using profanity in a formal document is horseshit.
18. Contractions aren’t necessary.
19. Don’t be redundant: Brevity, brevity, brevity!
20. When it comes to avoiding mixed metaphors, sometimes it’s 4th and 15 and you’re looking at a full court press to find alternatives.
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Woody, Woody, Woody. Where do you get those? You can't persuade (pursuede?) me that you make 'em up yourself.
Can you? :? :?
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This mobster....."Tony" suspects that his deaf/mute ( excuse me...non-speaking-hearing impaired) book keeper is ripping him off...So the mobster calls in his sign language speaking attorney to talk to the guy. " Tony" points a Kimber .45 ACP at the guy`s head and tells the lawyer to ask where his money is. The b/k starts signing away and tells the attorney that the cash ..about $10 million ..is buried in a brown suitcase behind his garage. The att. turns to Tony and says....." He said F$%^ you Tony...You ain`t got the balls to pull the trigger............ :cheers:
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Jerry, Dr. Freud says you are a lexophile, when I asked him to explain he said you wrote a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words. :cheers:
Thanks Doc.... :cheers:
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1. My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless. It is hard to say anything with 45 gummy bears in your mouth.
2. I wondered what my grandparents did to fight boredom before the internet. So I asked my 17 aunts and uncles but they didn't know either.
3. I hope our next president is good at spelling. We do not need a mix-up between "Lunch Order" and "Launch Order."
4. Here is a zinger for that person who makes you mad: "Well, aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution."
5. What do you call a moon that is twice the normal size? Kim Kardashian.
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What do you call a moon that is twice the normal size? Kim Kardashian.
You can say that again.
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What do you call a moon that is twice the normal size? Kim Kardashian.
You can say that again.
Baby got FAT Back, FAT Back, FAT Back and MORE FAT Back..........LOL!!!!! :-D
And remember, her husband has Presidential ambitions.....GOD HELP US ALL!!!!!
Gregg
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Correction! Correction! Comma Cop at work.
Woody, dang it, you've gone and done it again. In your #4 the quotation is shown as an interrogative - yet you don't punctuate it correctly.
WTF is wrong with you, man? Suffering over the demise of the Wilmington track as a venue for LSR?
Comma Cop rests his case. Q.E.D.
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But speaking of your stuff, Woodson, your first one made me burst out laughing (no gummy bears were injured in the outburst).
A few nights ago I was already in the bedroom as Nancy headed to perform her evening ablutions. A moment later I heard a bit of a "thump" and Nancy shouting "You are SO JUVENILE!"
I burst into wonderful laughter, thinking that at 68 years old I can still do silly stuff that gets me labeled as a kid. I'd taped the cover to the toilet seat -- so it wouldn't open right, 'specially in the muted light of almost-bedtime. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Grow Up? Not me!!!!!
-
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry the password must be more than 8 characters
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have more than one upper case letter used consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
Windows: Sorry, that password is already in use
PS don't know why it's showing before midnight, It's an hour off
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TGIF
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Another
-
And another
-
And another
-
And another
-
And another
-
And another
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Enough already!
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Geraldo, you were up early and just full of it, weren't you? Those look like the goofy things on FB -- have you gone to the dark side? :roll:
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I think Milo the cat ate a baby duck....He has a "down" in the mouth look to him................ :cheers:
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Ye-haw............
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Milo is suspect of this place...............
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1. It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose…. what matters is whether I win or lose.
2. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
3. You Matter! Unless you accelerate to light speed, then… You Energy!
4. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn’t have the guts.
5. Did you hear about the guy who poisoned people’s Cheerios? He was a cereal killer.
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Geraldo, you were up early and just full of it, weren't you? Those look like the goofy things on FB -- have you gone to the dark side? :roll:
Actually Jon, many of those came from garagejournal.com over the years.
As for FB, yep I did join about a month ago but don't do much with it.
Gregg
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More
-
Again
-
Again
-
Enough already!
-
Nancy's got that t-shirt. When she wears it there's usually at least fun conversation, and sometimes a great afternoon, too. Gotta love that girl!!!
-
Dodge!.....More?
Are these the ones they call the Crips?
-
Again
-
Again
-
Damnit.....Stop this Shit! :-D
-
George... don't make me start moving your posts... read the title of the thread.... :dhorse:
-
back on topic.......................for Halloween, I am dressing in a white shirt that says "Life' and passing out lemons..............
-
...And Mrs. Floydjer is going as a dancing ghost....Polka-haunt-us..............
-
capital idea !!!!
-
Ya, Ya, it's only Tuesday.....Getting a head start.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
- one's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
-
What type of birds flock together????? Vel-Crows.............
-
Indeed....
-
I think I may have found the problem with the education system.....Of the 3 r`s.....Only one actually begins with the letter ' R".................................
-
For those countless agri-geneticists in the audience -
What do you call a film maker who specializes in pollination procedures?
A cornographer.
-
1. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?
2. A man walks into a bar and orders 5 drinks. He downs the 1st, 3rd, and 5th one. He comments to the bartender, “My doctor says I can only have the odd drink.
3. “I never said all of that stuff in the fortune cookies,” said Confucius.
4. I try to put on a brave face every day. I may walk around like everything is fine, but deep down ...… my socks are sliding down into my shoes.
5. What is the difference between being dedicated and being committed, you ask? Example: To make bacon and eggs, the chicken is dedicated ...… but the pig is committed.
-
I passed a little gas in the Apple Store this morning.... it smelled bad in there for hours...
Hey it's not my fault they don't have Windows :cheers:
-
1. Where we live, there seems to be more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
2. I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
3. Don’t ever let a hoarder break up with you. You don’t want to be the one thing that he/she can get rid of.
4. My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. I but laugh more.
5. Some people just have a way with words, but other people not have way.
-
Halloween night I am going to sneak up behind Milo the cat and yell " BOO"....Little scare--de-cat...
-
Milo`s favorite song???...3 Blind Mice....
-
I heard Milo ate a baby chicken the other day, then you found him at the neighbors house.... looking in the window
oh my God... Milo has turned into a
:-o
:-o
:-o
:-o
peeping Tom :roll:
-
But he doesn`t do that on Friday Bob.....Only on Caturday.............. :cheers:
-
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....
-
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
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1. A thief broke into my house last night and started searching for money. I got up and searched with him.
2. Kids today don't know how easy they have it... when I was young, I had to walk through 9 feet of shag carpet to change the TV channel.
3. There is a fine line between being a numerator and being a denominator.
4. I don't mean to brag but… I finished my 14-days of diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
5. The furniture store keeps calling me back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
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Milo ate an entire duck....Now he is a Duck filled fatty puss..............
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Jerry, heard you took Milo with you car shopping... how do you like your new Catillac :cheers:
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The church collection plate gets back to the pastor and he finds a pretty pink envelope in there -- and a hundred dollar bill in the envelope. No name, no hint of who sent it.
The next week the same thing, and after a few more the minister managed to finally catch a glimpse of the sweet little lady in the fourth pew as she put the pink missive in the plate.
After the service the pastor carefully approached the lady to thank her, hoping it wouldn't make her feel uncomfortable. she said, though:
"Oh, I'm happy to make the donation each week. My son sends me money and urges me to give some to the church. He's very successful."
The man of the cloth acknowledges the son's generosity and asks: "What does your son do to make him this fortunately wealthy?".
She said -- he's a veterinarian. He sends me a thousand dollars a week."
"Wow", says the minister. "I didn't know vets made that kind of money."
"Yes", she says, "he's got two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
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Jerry, heard you took Milo with you car shopping... how do you like your new Catillac :cheers:
And to be specific it is a Catillac Catera. :roll:
-
what do you call a large canine that meditates????...Aware wolf :cheers:
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1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.
6. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
7. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
8. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
9. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
10. Despite the cost of living, it still remains popular.
11. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. [Can't make it idiot-proof - the idiots are too damn devious!, Mark Twain]
12. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. [Ref #11]
13. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
14. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
15. The things that come to those that wait, are probably things left by those who got there first. [The second mouse gets the cheese?]
16. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
17. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
18. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
19. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
20. You start out with nothing, and many still have most of it.
-
Any of you guys ever wonder when "old enough to know better" is supposed to kick in :?
:cheers:
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Mom always warned me about following the masses..... claimed sometimes the m was silent :cheers:
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Camping tip...The draw string from a parka makes a suitable garotte for a snoring tent mate
-
....And the guitar of a teenager makes fine kindling as well...
-
Just don`t waste the money for "Bear bells"...It`s a real b^tch getting them around their necks.....
-
The weekend is finally almost here.... for me the first five days after are always the hardest :cheers:
-
Just saw on the news that Trump will ban those bags of shredded cheese...
he will make America grate again
:cheers: :cheers:
-
Next Friday is black Friday....I think all Fridays matter
Rouse
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Black Friday....The only day that comes with a body count............
-
Mrs. Floydjer decided we should try our hand at basic camping...so she bought a 2- man pup tent. She was very disappointed when she opened the package and found that neither the men nor the pup were included....
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Hey Jerry, Camping is Mother Nature's way of suggesting you should stay in the Motel 6
-
My wife says it's Marriott or she ain't going! :x
1. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
2. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
3. My family is always running late. In fact, our ancestors came over on the Juneflower.
4. I came from a tough neighborhood. Once, I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Know the difference between an insurance agent and a mafia boss?? The agent can tell you how many people will die next year ...But the mob boss can tell you each one`s name.....
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guy next door bought a new Lincoln town Car..So I went over to have a look....Peeked inside and it has a manual trans. I said ' I didn`t know these came with a manual transmission" They don`t" he said....had to order it special and it cost me big bucks....BUT, the wife can`t drive a stick...." :cheers:
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The two new doctors were attending the wake for the cardiologist. The hospital liked to treat the docs very well -- so the guy's carcass was displayed in a lovely heart-shaped coffin. The coffin was powered so it slowly closed and opened during the ceremony.
One of the new docs, a gynecologist, started giggling uncontrollably when he thought of his own demise -- and the proctologist fainted.
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OK..If THAT is how you want to play....From Mrs. Floydjer the medical prof.......A nurse runs into a doctor`s office and yells " Dr..The patient you just treated collapsed on the front steps..what should I do ' ??? the doc. says.." Turn him around so he looks like he was coming into the building"
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....Medical University professor points to an x-ray and says "This patient has a severe limp.. as you can see...The patient`s fibula and tibia are radically arched....what would you do "?? A first year student raises his hand as says " Guess I`d limp too....."
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Doctor returns from an elk hunting trip....Nurse asks how the trip went...Doc. says " didn`t kill anything...Should have stayed here....."
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Some classics with doctor content .....
From Rodney Dangerfield …. a man who got no respect!
1. I told my son that someday he would have children of his own. He said that someday I would too.
2. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
3. My father was not too bright. He worked at a bank, yet they caught him stealing pens.
4. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
5. What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm.
More from Rodney who said he was so ugly …......
When I was a kid, I worked at a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.
I stuck my head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.
With my doctor I don’t get no respect. I told him I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.
I’m so ugly, the proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.
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Woody....You need this more than I do...www.instantrimshot.com
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Everybody knows the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer..... right :? :?
Taste :cheers:
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First snow...time to go outside and build an Ig.....that`s a snow house without a loo.............
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When are your eyes not eyes???..when the cold wind makes them water..... :cheers:
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what do you call Frosty after he works out and developes a six-pack???...The Abdomineble Snowman
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What do snowmen call their kids??? Chill-dren. ( I`ll be here all week..don`t forget to tip your waitress)
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It`s so cold outside that I cut up Patti`s piano for firewood...Only got two chords.................
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More from Rodney Dangerfield
1. My wife’s cooking is so bad, the flys fix our screens.
2. You gotta look out for number one, but don’t step in number two.
3. I was so ugly that when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
4. When making love, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night, she called me from a hotel.
5. My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Five more:
1. My experience has been that just 99 percent of our suppliers give all the rest a bad name.
2. Fred will only spend a dollar at the ice rink. What a cheap skate!
3. Zombie basketball teams always defend with a full-corpse press.
4. There are two rules for success in this life: #1. Don’t tell everything you know.
[Rule #1 There are no rules! Rule #2 Never forget rule #1]
5. People are making “end of the world” jokes like there is no tomorrow.
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
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what is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and an ordinary alphabet??? The Christmas one has noel.................
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(http://webabout.com/jokes/Christmas/images/santa.jpg)
:cheers:
Mike
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Started assembling an Italian sandwich for dinner... couldn't find any meat in the fridge to go with the cheese...
So I just had provolone
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New Year`s resolutions...In one year and out the other.........
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Many things can be preserved in alcohol...Dignity is not one of them....
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If you were born in September...Your parents started out the year with a bang.....hey wait a minute...I was born in Sept............................
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I'm gonna turn over a new leaf this New Years Eve.... wonder if the Nissan dealer will let me take one out :roll:
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I'm headed out to the Ford dealer -- I'm gonna break a Mustang.
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I'm going to the Chevy dealer to shoot an Impala.
If Stan can post on Saturday I guess I can. :cheers:
Ron
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All right: I'm suffering a bit of Montezuma's revenge, so I'm going to the International truck dealer to get a binder.
Over to youse guys.
-
I'll see your Binder (got to be old to know they were called that) and at my age, go get me a new Pererbilt :-D
Ron
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As long as we're comparing trucks with women, "How 'bout the Freightshaker on that honey over there?" (said one truck driver to another). :dhorse:
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:?...............any-hoo..There was a Roman General who had an attack due to epilepsy whenever there was a winter storm...It was always " hail-Seizure '.. :cheers:
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I won a sapling as a door prize at the Winter Carnival !!! I like this Win-Tree weather !!! :cheers:
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Jerry, go back to bed and take a nap. Maybe when you wake up your jokes will be better.
Thank you. :-D
-
Slim
At least Jerry's trying. Sometimes VERY trying. :-D :-D
Ron
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As long as we're comparing trucks with women, "How 'bout the Freightshaker on that honey over there?" (said one truck driver to another). :dhorse:
Peterbilt, Kenworth and Freightliner have entered into a joint venture to make a new truck. It will be named a PeterWorthShakin....
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"That's a PeterWorthShakin' ya got there, Mack!"
Next?
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Maybe this will take some of the heat off Jerry ..... :-P
1. When is the best time to buy a boat? When there is a sail on it.
2. Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
3. What happens if you eat yeast mixed in with shoe polish? Tomorrow morning, you will rise and shine!
4. What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowtain.
5. What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show? A cat-has-trophy.
"MAN [German truck], that's a PeterWorthShakin' ya got there, Mack!"
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My girlfriend thinks I'm stalking her,,,,,,,,actually she's not really my girlfriend,,,,,yet.
-
So Hoss, buy her some nylons... or better yet try silk stalking :cheers:
-
Good idea, but they always run.
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I always heard clear fingernail polish stops runs. Don't know if you use it to stick their shoes to the floor or what.
Ron
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I always heard clear fingernail polish stops runs. Don't know if you use it to stick their shoes to the floor or what.
Ron
No, Ron- It is Kaopectate that stops runs. :-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
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Neil, you're showing your age again. Young un's won't have a clue as to what the heck is "kaopectate".
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Can't believe it, my next door neighbor was knocking on my front door.........at two O-clock in the morning!!
Fortunately I was still up playing my bagpipes.
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I just heard the moon burp...It must be full...................
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Know how to tell when the moon has gone broke??? when it is down to it`s last quarter................
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1. A guy visited a store seeking some fancy soap. The clerk asked if he wanted it scented. “No,” replied the guy, “I’ll just take it with me.”
From Johnny Carson:
2. A real estate salesman spent all day Sunday escorting a couple through model homes.
“And this,” he said at the tenth home he had shown, “has a hobby room. Do you folks have any hobbies?”
“Yes,” replied the woman, “inspecting model homes on Sundays.”
3. Adam may have had his troubles, but he never had to listen to Eve talk about the other men she could have married.
4. “It’s your wife,” said the secretary to her boss. “She wants to give you a kiss over the telephone.”
“I’m too busy,” replied the executive. “Take the message and I’ll get it from you later.”
5. A Hollywood producer received a story entitled “The Optimist.” He called his staff together and said: “Gentlemen, this story is great, but the title must be changed to something simple.
We’re intelligent and know what an optimist is, but how many of those morons who’ll see the picture will know he’s an eye doctor?”
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Waiting in the sub-zero wind at the bus stop this morning I noticed the lass next to me was having great difficulty with texting...Must have been typo-thermia................ :cheers:
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Mrs. Floydjer thinks everything is a competition..In fact, she thinks she is a better driver because she has 12 speeding tickets and I only have 3.....
-
....Don`t make me break out the Chuck Norris 'facts'.... :cheers:
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A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving a pistol and yelled, "I have a 1911 Colt .45 caliber with a 7 round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!" :x
The bar went silent then a voice from the back of the room called out, "You'll need more ammo!" :-D
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1. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?”
" Well, It's Not Unusual."
2. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
3. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him….A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
4. I won’t apologize! And I am sorry if you have a problem with that.
5. My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping! It is giving me a headache, dizziness, and nausea.
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5. My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping! It is giving me a headache, dizziness, and nausea.
Just pull the battery and in a little while it will all go away.
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I started collecting samples of scat from animals near extinction.... it's basically endangered feces :cheers:
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I went to the doctor because I broke my arm in two places.....My Doc. thinks I should stay out of those places.............
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You know the difference between a hippo and a zippo?? One is a big,fat animal and the other is a little lighter............
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Walking down the street I saw a cookie sitting on the curb crying....I asked what was wrong and he told me he was sad because his mother was a wafer so long.....................
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Two bananas are sun bathing along a river bank when a big turd floats by and yells " Come on in...the water is fine" One banana says to the other" I don`t believe that sh*t"
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Jerry, why the heck did you go to the bother of getting your arm broken again if it was already broke? Wasn't one fracture enough for you? I'm so cornfused. . . :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :?
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Slim, his sensibility has always been a little fractured.... :roll:
On the way home I started translating the hiway centerline in morse code... tot to tot to tot to tot to tot to tot to ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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1. I am against picketing, but I don’t quite know how to show it.
2. Jerry stayed up all night trying to remember if he had insomnia or amnesia.
3. Jon could not figure out why he was not excepted to collage.
4. On the other side of town, they are building a new apartment called the Oedipus Complex. Everyone and their mothers are moving there.
5. He is so dense that he couldn’t pour water out of a boot if it had the instructions written on the heel.
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Milo asks................what is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence??? The cat has claws at the end of it`s paws and the sentence has a pause at the end of it`s clause...........
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Speaking of Milo...He can jump higher than The Empire State Building...But then, the ESB can`t jump............
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1. My boss wants to know what I want to do in 3 years. Like I have 2020 vision.
2. My boss also told me that I have the attention span of a……. of a…….
3. Headline: Fruit truck tips over creating traffic jam.
4. I go to the gym so infrequently that I feel compelled to call it the James.
5. I think it is wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
6. ToDo List:
NOTHING
Women and cats will do as they please! :x
Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. :-D
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I've been having some short term memory loss lately. So the doctor sent me for a MRI of my brain. Here's the result.
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Don`t walk around in the snow without your shoes...You`ll be brrrr-footed :cheers:
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Observations from a week in the hospital getting my heart valve replaced...
If you don't have a hole there they will install one
If you do have a hole there they will put something in it
There will be a lot of knocks at your door, at all hours, some will be your friends visiting... some will be the nurse checking, bringing pills or asking questions... body functions are very important to these folks.... for the first few days after surgery when the knock at the door came I started to ask...
who goes there... friend or enema :cheers:
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I felt the urge to stop you - felt that one coming - knew it would bomb - saw that it'd go down the tubes - had to clench to restrain myself - was afraid it was going to make me run -
You get the idea, folks.
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Always the enema AKA enemy!!!!.
Hope you get get better?. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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Witch valve did they replace? Intake or exhaust?
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Just turn the other cheek Bob...you`ll be better off in the end...............
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....pooped myself out w/ all that typing..............
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...and be careful w/ your spelling...Slim is sorta anal about that...............
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...punctuation too..esp. the proper use of a colon.............
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Jerry, please don't use that word. I've got my prescription for MoviPrep right here -- the fateful day is approaching. Oh, crap. . .
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Reminds me of the Irish proctologist...Colon O`Scopy...........
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Jerry, I heard he use two fingers - just to get a second opinion! :-o :-( :-P
1. What do you call a potato wearing glasses at a volleyball game? A Speck-tater.
2. When I found out my wife replaced our bath mat with a trampoline, I went through the roof!
3. As Carolyn watched a dog chasing its tail, she thought, “Dogs are easily amused.” Then she realized she was watching a dog chasing its tail.
4. Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing its Tuesday.
5. I went skydiving without a parachute. I will never do that again!
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Witch valve did they replace? Intake or exhaust?
Exhaust, I believe :cheers:
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When I was twelve I told my mom I wanted a watch for Christmas,
but she wouldn't let me.
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A friend went to Palm Springs this morning for a week's stay. Since he just sent me these this afternoon, I guess he's bored already.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist
• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about antigravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro: what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn't last.
Mike
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Witch valve did they replace? Intake or exhaust?
Exhaust, I believe :cheers:
Yep, the one in the middle of the pump before the final exhaust valve
Slim.... good to know you're about to give a shit about something... :-D :roll:
-
Slim-
Let's hope that they find out that you are a perfect Acura hole.
Will Willis # 6302
(Note to all, this was allowed to remain here because it was part of the conversation... it was not posted on Friday, but it was still pretty funny)
-
How does a lumberjack get online?? He logs on..............
-
Does Mickey Mouse`s wife drive a Minnie van ????
-
Jerry, you're starting to be a little Goofy
-
:?......STARTING????????
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1. A patient in the waiting room of a psychiatrist office believes he is a deck a cards. The doctor enters the waiting room and says, “ Sorry, I need to shuffle my schedule so I will deal with you later.”
2. I feel like changing my Facebook username to NOBODY so when someone posts a terrible post and I press the like button it will say “NOBODY likes this.”
3. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
4. Carolyn was blown away when she walked into the store that sells the world’s most powerful fan.
5. I’d give my left right arm to be ambidextrous.
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Woody, reading your Friday joke posts makes for a great indicator of the issues that still exist in machine translation. I assume, of course, that you're finding these pearls of wisdom on some strange foreign language site and it's the machine's fault for posting such goofy nonsense.
Right? :oops:
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Wait a minute!!!
(And I never use 3 bangs.) Every one was a jewel!
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SSS, artificial intelligence will never be a match for natural stupidity! :-o :-D :cheers:
Or infantile humor! :cry: :cry: :cry:
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what is the easiest way to communicate with a fish???........drop it a line.....
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What time is it when a dozen elephants are chasing you ??.....12 after 1 :cheers:
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What time is it when a dozen Hottie women are chasing you ??.....12 after 1 :cheers:
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What time is it when a dozen Hottie women are chasing you ??.....12 after 1 :cheers:
I think my watch must be broken broken . . .
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1. Rice is good if you are hungry and want 2,000 of something.
2. This is my stepladder…I never knew my real ladder.
3. Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
4. “I need my vitamin C but I have no oranges,” Brian said fruitlessly.
5. “I have become taller than Frankenstein,” Carolyn said gruesomely.
Bonus attachment for SSS! :-D :cheers:
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What time is it when a dozen Hottie women are chasing you ??.....12 after 1 :cheers:
Time for you to wake up, you're dreaming. :-D
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Don, it sounds like you need to expand your horizons a bit. . .so such things aren't only dreams. . . :cheers: :evil: :evil:
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I thought it was just a bad echo...Like that Bob & Tom sketch about the cell phone with an echo that sounds like a black guy. :cheers:
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I could have gotten 33 weeks out of these but I'm a glutton for PUN-ishment!
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
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Why did Eve leave the garden of Eden for New York??? She fell for the big apple..........
-
Where do bugs go to watch the Superbowl????...Apple bees :cheers:
-
Why was the apple alone with the orange?
Because the banana split. :roll:
-
Maybe we all saw this one, maybe not.
Toivo and Eino were pretty were about seven bottles into a six pack of Bosch beer when Toivo started talking about hunting. He said "Hey, Eino, did you know that elk mate 10 or fifteen times a day during their season?"
Eino looked into his beer and said "Dang, and I yust joined the Eagles."
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20% of all traffic accidents in Sweden involve a moose. I guess moose`s are bad drivers...................
-
Famous last words of a Yooper.." Hey..That bear cub looks like he`s lost..let`s take him home with us....."
-
A man goes to the cinema to watch a movie.
He sits down and notices a moose in the seat next to him.
He says "say, aren't you a moose"?
The moose replies "yes I am".
The man says "what are you doing in here"?
The moose replies "well, I liked the book".
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Ok.........................this guy is driving down a country road and his car stalls out on him. He get`s out and opens the hood when a voice from behind him says " Float`s probably stuck in the carb.....Give it a smack with a screwdriver.." The guy turns around and there stands a moose. After getting the car re-started he drives into town and shares his story w/ a gas station employee. The gas station guy asks.." was it a big brown moose with half his antlers missing? The guys says that as a matter of fact..It WAS. Station att. says " That`s lefty...he doesn`t know sh^t about cars.."
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A guy was driving down the road in front of an insane asylum when one of his wheels falls off. He finds the wheel but the lug nuts are gone. There is an inmate standing behind the fence watching what is happening. The driver is puzzled aboutwhat to do.
The inmate says "why don't you take one lug nut off of the other three wheels and use them to hold the wheel on. If you drive slowly they will get you to town for repairs."
The driver says "that is very smart, why do they have you in a place like this"?
The inmate answers "they have me in here for being insane not stupid"
Ron
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Hmmm...letting up on the mooses are we ?? This guy is feeling down and depressed, so he goes to see a therapist...he spends about an hour spilling out his heart and explaining why he feels so insecure and inferior. the Dr. stops him in mid-sentence and says" what you have is low self esteem...Very common among losers like you " :cheers:
-
How did the hipster burn his toung?
He drank coffee before it was cool.
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All good ones. Thanks. :-D :-D :-D
-
People used to laugh when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.....They aren`t laughing now................... :cheers:
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Missed last Friday so ............. :-o :-o :-o
1. Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.” The second scientist says, “I’ll have an H20 too please. The second scientist dies. [Hydrogen peroxide]
2. A square, a triangle, and a hexagon walk into a bar. The bartenders says, “Looks like you guys could use a round.”
3. A Don’t Walk sign walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t do that!”
4. A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Have you heard the joke that doesn’t have a punch line”? And the bartender says, “No.”
5. A snail walks into a bar and the bartender throws her out. A couple weeks later, the snail walks back into the bar and says, “Why did you do that?”
6. Don’t wear headphones when vacuuming. I just finished the whole house and then realized the vacuum cleaner was not plugged in.
7. Her simile was as warm a ray of morning sunshine.
8. The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe.
9. Whoever invented the Counterfeit Detecting Pen was write on the money.
10. Five out of every 3 people have trouble with fractions.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Aye..Lettin` me start are you???..I tried to borrow money from a leprechaun, But he was a little short....
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what do you call a fake rock in Ireland?? a shamrock....
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I know you`re Dublin over after that one...
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Which reminds me of the two gay Irishmen,,, Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick..... :cheers:
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DAD: GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!
CHILD: *Storming off* "JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!!!!
DAD: What did I tell you about slamming the doors?!?
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DAD: GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!
CHILD: *Storming off* "JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!!!!
DAD: What did I tell you about slamming the doors?!?
"Drowning" in laughter on that one. :-D
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I agree, BBarn, that was good.
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speaking of door slamming...I heard that a poem found in Jim Morrison`s hotel room is being auctioned off...It `s either a poem or a grocery list..No one is sure........ :cheers:
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Ya got me on that one, Jer. I have no clue. In the meantime, here's something I just got from an unknown supplicant (but I'll give his initials if you wanna know who to blame).
Square Testicles
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you the luck of the Irish.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.Click Me! He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'
The origin of this Irish story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.
Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days.
Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good luck for the next 5 years in addition to the luck you will have within the next 4 days.
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Gerald spent too many long nights with his big buddy Patrick. Poor fellow. He needs a Cork now.
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It`ll come to him in the end W/W............... :cheers:
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Parallel lines have so much in common. It is a shame they'll never meet.
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Brandon, they will - it's just your perspective on the matter.
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My sister bet me $100 that I couldn`t build a car from spaghetti....She sure was surprised when I drove pasta...
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.........Two guys were arrested with a stolen calender...They each got 6 months....
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Why is it so hot in a stadium after a game ends? Because all of the fans have left....
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* Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
* Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. :evil:
* I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
* When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
* A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it. [You're not fat, you're just... easier to see. :-D]
* Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? :?
* You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
* Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
* My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. :x
* I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. :-o
* Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
* If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
* Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. :roll:
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On a side note, you kids gotta be good today. Nancy and I are gonna spend a day or two in the car (Chicago tonight, Indy tomorrow night, home Sun) on a sex trip so I might not keep a close eye on you.
Behave, okay? :?
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I`m taking my pet rabbit to London...We are flying British Hare-ways............
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I went in for my Medicare wellness interview yesterday. The nurse, (checking for dementia, I guess,) asked me to name five words starting with "P". "Photon, psoriasis, ptarmigan, phthisis, and morning", I answered. She looked at me for a few seconds and said that morning doesn't start with a "P". I told her that mine does.
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well then....Urine luck............. :cheers:
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My mom used to tell us bout words that had silent letters, like the letter "p". She'd say that "the "p" is silent as in pnuemonia and swimming".
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Why do Elephants paint their testes red?
To hide up the cherry trees of course..
What makes the loudest noise in the jungle?
A Giraffe eating cherries..
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Patti was pulled over by a cop...Officer looked at her license and asked if she should be wearing her glasses..Mrs. Floydjer replied that she has contacts..Cop said " I don`t care who you know..You need to wear your glasses...
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My doctor asked how I felt...I told him I felt like a million bucks...He suggested I buy something as the change would be good for me............... :cheers:
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I was interviewing a recently graduated, remarkably talented young audio engineering student for a position. Solid education, recommendations from two instructors I personally know. It actually got down to the point of salary talks.
I asked him, "What kind of salary range are you thinking of?"
He thought for a moment, and said, "I think I should be looking at a compensation package of $150,000.00 per year, 3 weeks vacation and health insurance."
I told the young man, "What if I were to offer you $175.000.00 per year, no weekend work, cover all your insurance costs, give you 5 weeks of vacation and 8 paid holidays, a 5% match to your 401-k, and the unfettered use of a new Corvette as a company vehicle?"
The kid's mouth dropped, and he said "You're kidding?".
"Of course I am", I replied, "but you started it."
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Little Larry the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry's whore"
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The Easter bunny`s favorite comedian?? Carrot Top
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His favorite actor is....Anthony Hopkins :cheers:
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Know how the easter bunny stays in shape????..........Eggsercize............
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Favorite vacation spot..... Easter Island :cheers:
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Hey Jerry, this was a Good Friday to do Easter Bunny Jokes :roll:
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Do Easter eggs come from eggplants?
What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
Two points, just like anyone else.
Hoppy Easter, one and all!
Mike
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Toooo much time on their hands.
OTOH it does answer some age olde questions.
Wunder what a B'ville meat woulda done
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlzmaQbx8e4
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Went into the kitchen this morning and Patti was face down on the floor...I panicked but then remembered that Mc Donald`s serves breakfast until 10:30...Whew !!! :cheers:
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Toooo much time on their hands.
OTOH it does answer some age olde questions.
Wunder what a B'ville meat woulda done
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlzmaQbx8e4
When I tried this as a kid on the toboggan slide at Thomas Park in Marion, Iowa, I got yelled at by the police, they called my mom and dad, and the judge made me pick up trash in the park for 4 hours on a Saturday.
I recognize now my failing . . . I should have worn a lab coat!
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The winner had the highest mass/ aero drag ratio, I'd say. A tall sidewall with weight concentrated at the bead, for a low polar moment of inertia would improve acceleration. A tire purpose-built for this competition could blow these away.
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I can see it now: "Dear Goodyear. We want to enter a tire in the ski jump competition, but would like you guys to design it per our specs. Would you do that, please?".
No doubt they're going to understand the vast potential market and immediately build a full array of these tires for the multiple classes that will no doubt develop.
Yup, for sure. Mmmm-hhh!
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The winner had the highest mass/ aero drag ratio, I'd say. A tall sidewall with weight concentrated at the bead, for a low polar moment of inertia would improve acceleration. A tire purpose-built for this competition could blow these away.
Blow these away??? That deserves a ...rim shot.............
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A tire purpose-built for this competition could blow these away.
Or would it blow out the competition....
I immediately thought Moons would help..... butt then I digress
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Time to....re tire that gif Bob........................ :cheers:
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Rene` Descartes is in a bar having a drink when the bartender asks if he would like another...Rene` replies " I think not'..and vanishes in a puff of logic... :cheers:
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Good one, Jerry, but I don't think the bar crowd will get it at comedy night tonight. :-P
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jeeeez..More grief for United Airlines...That lady should have sent her bunny via hareline....................
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A Roman walks into a bar and tells the bartender "I'll have a martinus".
The bartender says "You mean a martini?"
The Roman replies "If I wanted two I would have ordered two."
Rimshot, please.
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
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I`m confused...How can you "land in hot water ' when "skating on thin ice' ???..
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...And if money doesn`t grow on trees...Why do banks have branches???
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speaking of which...when I was a little floydjer I asked mom for $20..She said that I must have thought she was made of money....isn`t that what M.O.M stands for ????
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What do you call a mom that can`t draw???...Tracy.... :cheers:
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I took Patti in for a minor surgery....After which she has no interest in sex....so I went to the doctor and asked what might have gone so terribly wrong. He just shrugged and said .." I just fixed her eye sight".......
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There is still hope Jerry, remember....
Carrots may be good for her eyes
But alcohol will double her vision :cheers:
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odd you should say that Bob..Just last night the bride and I were sitting on the deck and she said " I love you so much that I`d rather die than be without you " I asked if that was her talking or the wine talking...Patti replied that it was her talking to the wine..... :cheers:
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Like so....
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Yep that's Linda... love the wine you're with :-D
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It`s a fish`s least favorite day.....Fry-day...............
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One of you will need to school me on the scale by which these jokes are scaled...............
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Jerry, I'm gonna let you suffer by yourself for now. I'll check in later to see if you're still hung out to dry here, all by yourself. :roll:
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Bah...I won`t flounder long...someone will take the bait..............
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Hook, line and sinker but in my case RAPALA!!!!!! :-D
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I cast my vote for Mike....Reel funny :cheers:
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It`s a fish`s least favorite day.....Fry-day...............
One of you will need to school me on the scale by which these jokes are scaled...............
Bah...I won`t flounder long...someone will take the bait..............
The unmitigated gill of this guy!
Oh well, he's a chum . . .
So Slim, when you take Nancy and the crew out as the designated driver, does that make her and her crew the Ale Wives?
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No wonder it is always wet in England....The Queen has reigned for decades............................
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MM asked: "...So Slim, when you take Nancy and the crew out as the designated driver, does that make her and her crew the Ale Wives?"
Seriously -- they really do call themselves the Lowe's Ho's, and even have the t-shirts to prove it. Nothin' subtle about these wenches. :cheers: :cheers:
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While we're on the fishing expedition . . .
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
This is typical of what you hear when you spend all day running sound for the leadership of the Milwaukee Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran's annual Plenary.
500 years of reformation, and I get better jokes out of Jerry . . . :|
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I just read a joke about a broken egg...It cracked me up................
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I can post egg jokes all day long...I have a hen-cyclopedia full of them.................
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No, no, Jerry -- don't It'd be a shell of a thing for us to put up with all day.
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No, no, Jerry -- don't It'd be a shell of a thing for us to put up with all day.
Ahh, Slim, relax . . . It's all just for yolks . . .
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(This one will take a bit of basic egg-farmer knowledge):
Chris, don't bother trying -- you can't hold a candle to Jerry.
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this guy was walking down the street w/ a fried egg on his head...I asked why he was doing that and he said ..." Because the boiled ones roll off...."
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a magician turned his competitor into an egg...He was poaching his tricks.................... :dhorse:
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JerFloy said: "... Because the boiled ones roll off."
Jerry, I've gotta tell you -- that one was pretty good. Thanks.
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Same guy was dragging a chain..I asked why and he said" You ever try PUSHING one " ?.....
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a chicken walks into a library and says " Buk buk buk"...Librarian surmises that the ol` hen wants 3 books. she hands over 3 books and the hen walks out. Librarian follows to see what the bird needs the books for and sees the chicken walk down to a pond and place the books in front of a bullfrog..The bullfrog says .." reddit...reddit....reddit..................
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and who the hell is this jerfloy fella?? Looks like you...scrambled some letters............. :evil:
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(This one will take a bit of basic egg-farmer knowledge):
Chris, don't bother trying -- you can't hold a candle to Jerry.
Omletting him have free-range on this for the rest of the day.
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I'm stumped. Should I try to come up with a lame-o egg play on words? I don't have even an embryo of an idea of what to say next.
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I'm stumped. Should I try to come up with a lame-o egg play on words? I don't have even an embryo of an idea of what to say next.
Tough going up against a champion egg layer like Jerry.
Just got to pullet out, I guess . . .
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I see you guys will be hatching these all day....
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So far nothing to crow about.
Ron
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Boy, I'm afraid to egg you guys on further.
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Boy, I'm afraid to egg you guys on further.
Pete, what eggzactly did you mean by that? :?
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..... And the Eggcitement mounts.....
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all you Oeufs think you are funny, pretty ego tistical
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don`t like my egg-cellant jokes??? You can always put me on egg-nore..... :cheers:
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What'd the German guy that was trying to get the egg's attention as it was running away from him yell out?
Ovate! Ovate!!
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The President of Chickens just called and demanded more out-put.....It was an eggs excremant order.....
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This won't be a long, drawn out, hard-to-understand thread to read tomorrow.
It'll be over -- easy!
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I don't.... looks like it's getting kinda scrambled to me.....
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Wow...This place is full of comedi-hens.....................
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Speaking of hens....I had a 15 year old hen that only laid eggs in the winter.....She was no spring chicken..... :cheers:
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I gotta go home now so I'm not tardy. I hate having to announce: "Om'let, Om'let!"
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I've been reading this thread with great interest. Now I think I'll go to bed and pullet.
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Busy day in front of me Friday, so I'm posting this on Nova Scotia Time.
I was visiting an elderly relative uncle at a nursing home. It was getting late, and the nurse came in to give him his medications and a cup of hot chocolate.
I commented that the hot chocolate was a nice touch, and the nurse said, "Yeah, it helps him relax and fall asleep."
But then I noticed that the nurse gave him a pill I recognized.
"That's Viagra!", I said. "He's 87 years old! Why are you dosing him with an aphrodisiac?"
"Oh, that's easy", the nurse replied. "It keeps him from rolling out of bed."
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O.K..the eggs got beat to death..let`s switch to tools :?....You craftsmen rachet this up before Slim puts a hex on it...............
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Let me see if I can get my head to Snap On to some great comments.
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Nailed it Jon...But why wood-n`t you ?? :cheers:
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What is a wrench`s favorite T.V. show???......." I Love Loosey"................
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O.K..the eggs got beat to death..let`s switch to tools :?....You craftsmen rachet this up before Slim puts a hex on it...............
No reasons we can't keep 'em both - just serve 'em up on a crescent . . .
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oddly enough...Mrs .Floydjer has Crescent wrench eyes...I look into them and my nuts tighten..... :cheers:
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Yanno, it's a shame that Nancy doesn't pay attention and post here. She works in the Hardware department at Lowe's. My wife is an expert at handling tools all day - she's very good at it. :roll:
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oddly enough...Mrs .Floydjer has Crescent wrench eyes...I look into them and my nuts tighten..... :cheers:
She's obviously well adjusted :wink: :cheers:
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Well yeah Bob...She doesn`t hammer the point, But she will chisel away until she reaches the same spirit level as the rest of us.................. :cheers: (gauntlet tossed)
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I went to the doctors the other day for a checkup and the doctor told me I had to stop masturbating.
When I asked him why he said "Because I am trying to give you an examination!"
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Well, yeah, fine, okay, Brandon, I guess that'll qualify as a tool joke.
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Little Billy was 4 years old and was staying with his grandpa Floydjer for a few days. He was playing outside with the other kids, and when he came into the house he asked, 'Grandpa, what's it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Billy, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Billy said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you!!
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Hey Pete...what type of music does a weldor prefer??? Heavy Metal...........
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Three weldors walk out of a bar....hey, It COULD happen...........
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What do you say to a guy with an I.Q. of 22 ???...." Nice weld " :cheers:
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What do you do when you find a weldor stumbling around in your yard???? Shoot him again........... :dhorse:
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Jerry, for cripe's sake -- you can do better than that.
What kind of welder did they use to make Russian aircraft? A MIG welder :cheers:
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Three weldors walk out of a bar....hey, It COULD happen...........
I rather doubt it! :-D :-D :-D
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Slim...That was re volt ing
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Pete has been welding for so long....he squeezes the fork to get the food to let go....
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back to work...Less chatter..more spatter... :cheers:
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Come on, really? I'd have thunk welding would be a great topic for your ya-hoos for a Friday. And I'm so not a metal-sticker-together dude that I barely know which end of a soldering iron to hold.
Tell ya what I'm gonna do: I'm going home and letting you have the run of the place for a while, K?
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Y'all can poke fun at folks who weld, but please remember -- as it says on that old bumper
sticker: Welders get better penetration . . . in all positions!
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Come on, really? I'd have thunk welding would be a great topic for your ya-hoos for a Friday.
Doesn't seem to have sparked much interest . . .
But SJF seems to have a creative arc to it . . .
Maybe if we amp it up?
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Stick to it and you'll be able to afford a really good buzzbox for listening to your favorite tunes. I hear they're on sale down at the corner of Lincoln and Miller. Make sure you get one with foot pedal feed.
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This guy is hitchhiking on a lonely desert highway and a car stops..Driver asks if he is a lawyer..guy says no and the car speeds away...another car stops and asks if he is a lawyer and sure enough..he says no and the car drives away...THIRD car stops, gorgeous blonde with awe inspiring breasts asks if he is a lawyer..Guy says YES ! and she tells him to hop in. About 3 miles down the road the guy looks over at the woman and thinks " I`ve only been an lawyer for a couple minutes and I already want to f*&^ someone...." :cheers:
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Anyone with a delicate ear is discouraged from listening to the audio on the link. Jerry, top this for being funny.
https://www.liveleak.com/view?i=50b_1456232574
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Ok...How did the fat guy with no decorating taste ever fit through that door??? :?
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I heard Polygram records, Warner bros. and Keebler have merged...New Corp. name is Poly-Warner-Cracker :cheers:
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I'll say that I got this from Ron Main today. Make your own judgement:
"Ron Main lived all his life in the California and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,
and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, David, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Jennifer, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Michael, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Vanessa, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,
and as Ron slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Main, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The Vanessa replies, "The axxhole only had a paper route."
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why was the computer tired after a cross country trip???...Because it had a hard drive.................
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Jerry, that joke will take a couple of bytes off your plate
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Can we just...file.. them down a bit ? :evil:
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And if you did file them down, the net result would be?
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And the Lord said unto John" Come forth and you will receive eternal life" sadly, John came in fifth and received a toaster...........
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Did I mention that Pete has been welding for so long that if you tell him it`s "Miller time"..He puts down his coffee and reaches for his hood and gloves ?
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:-D :-D :-D 8-) 8-) 8-)
Pete
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Jerry, Patti called and asked me to talk to you about putting empty cereal boxes back on the shelf.... she says you take the last serving, put it back, when she grabs the box of Post Toasties for breakfast it is gone.... grabs the Grapenuts it is gone, went for Cheerios...gone
Jerry... she thinks you are a cereal killer :cheers:
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Salvador Dali started every day with a bowl of surreal...................................
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Breakfast.... the most important beer of the day :cheers:
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Breakfast.... the most important beer of the day :cheers:
:cheers:
I keep pressing this "first beer" point with Kate, to no avail.
She'll be making breakfast - and she's damned good at it - I'll crack a beer, and she'll start bully-ragging me about my beer consumption.
It usually ends up in an argument where she throws her Jameson all over my face, and then it gets all over my omelette.
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Good one, Chris :cheers: :cheers:
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Omelette?? if she`d rather have them Benedict??...I`ll trader.......................( under hand whiffle ball to the comma cop ) :cheers:
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Eggs Benedict Arnold.... they turn on you.
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
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Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.
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Yesterday`s high was 78 and the low was 45...Neither were records............
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The Sun is out and nobody bothered to relight it..........................
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That may be because the grass is always greener on the unlit side :roll:
-
A fleeing terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties. The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace!"
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!"
-
Mountain ranges aren`t funny....They are hill areas.......................
-
hey Woody....similar thing happened to me once...Went out for lunch with 2 Brits, a Scot. 3 south Africans, A jewish guy, 2 Peruvians and a Canadian....They wouldn`t let us in without a Thai................... :dhorse:
-
i tried to tell a few sheep jokes to a friend`s dog......He`d herd them all before............
-
How does a farmer plow his field in circles???? with a pro-tractor.........................
-
How does a farmer plow his field in circles???? with a pro-tractor.........................
Around here we just use a compass....
-
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand Bob goes off on a tangent....But I see your point................. :cheers:
-
Sharp isn't he :? :?
Ron
-
I read that 60% of all social media conversations were pointless babble! :-o :-o
Does that mean the other 40% is pointed babble? :? :? :-D :-D
-
Sharp isn't he :? :?
Ron
Yeah,...But if he were a triangle?? He`d be acute one :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :evil:
-
What an obtuse thing to say about a perfectly regular polygon! :-o :-o :-D :-D
-
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach???...Because it was over 90 degrees..............
-
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and asks for a Martini...The bartender says .." Olive or twist"??,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
-
Same bartender had a soccer ball enter the bar....He kicked it out................ :cheers:
-
For our friends in Utah.....what do you call a BYU grad. who is single ??? Provo lone
-
We need duck jokes Jerry!.
-
why???? Do they quack you up?? :evil: (I`ll put that one on your bill) :cheers:
-
Just for you Mike...........................How do you get down off a horse??? You don`t..You get down off a duck.........................
-
Just met the bookkeeper for the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra today.
He's the stave accountant.
I know - keep it breve . . .
-
A cowboy rides into town on Friday and 3 days later he leaves on Friday....How did he do that???? His horse was named Friday......................... :roll:
-
The Nobel Peace Prize....I`d kill for one of those...................
-
tropical storm`s favorite song??? 'Rock you like a hurricane'...............
-
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice. "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
-
Looks like it`s just you and I Woody..............Know why the pine tree got in trouble??? It was being knotty............
-
Easiest way to identify a dogwood is by the bark............... :cheers:
-
Do you ever look at an acorn and wonder.... what's up with that?
In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree. :cheers:
-
We`re rooting for you Bob....................
-
I'm trying to branch out.... seems to be bearing fruit....
:cheers:
-
I'm going out on a different limb with this one.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at
the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began
to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and
pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only
Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she
had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle
wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the
middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the
pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with
the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your
Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
"Don't F*** with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Ron
-
Hmmmm..That`s how you want to play eh ???...I went to the doctor for a check up and he said" I`m not sure what this problem is...It might be due to all of the alcohol"...So I told him I`d come back when he was sober.............................. :cheers:
-
I decided to try my hand at laundry...Not being well versed in washing machines, I asked Patti which setting to use..She asked what it said on the shirts...." Land Racing.Com" I replied....
-
Good one, Jerry. Thanks. :roll:
-
a true friend is a guy you can call at 3 a.m. and ask him to come over with a shovel...And he shows up........... :cheers:
-
Hey Jerry, I asked Linda to do the laundry this week since I have been busy helping John Goodman get ready to race.....
she said OK but not without some agitation.... :cheers:
-
Ron, that is one of my all time favorite jokes. It has changed over the years, I've hear both Korean and Viet Nam era versions.
Andy
-
Know why rhino`s have so many wrinkles??? Because they are hard to iron.............
-
I thought that was a symptom of rhino virus.
-
typical of MM to horn in on my joke thread..........................
-
Ya, but only with one.
Ron
-
Ya, but only with one.
Ron
which led my bride to ponder whether or not that made Chris a ..." Uni-Horn"....She has been around me for far too long........... :cheers:
-
Ya, but only with one.
Ron
which led my bride to ponder whether or not that made Chris a ..." Uni-Horn"....She has been around me for far too long........... :cheers:
She hasn't talked to Kate.
Sincerely,
Tripod
-
Never iron a four leaf clover...You wouldn`t want to press your luck.............
-
Apparently it's bad luck to see your bride before the wedding....
some folks think it's even worse luck if you're still seeing her 5 years after....
:cheers:
-
OK, after my last post I think I should clarify by stance on marriage....
I was happily married for 3 years.... I felt very lucky to have that many days of happiness with one woman
Unfortunately that marriage lasted for 11 years.... :-D
Note to my kids.... this is in the joke thread :roll:
-
25 years for Patti and I on the 26th...She was my birthday gift to me. :-)
-
Just for you Bob....Love is blind..But marriage is a real eye opener...
-
It`s hard to lose a wife....D*mn near impossible in fact.... :cheers:
-
OK..One more and I`ll stop....Marriage is like a deck of cards..At first, All you need are two hearts and a diamond...Near the end you`ll be wishing for a club and a spade. :evil:
-
Today is Kate's and my 16th anniversary. We've actually been together for about 30.
No joke, today, boys.
I know I'm the luckiest SOB on the boards.
-
A friend of mine told me he lost his wife five years ago. He said " Probably should have looked for her."
-
Which flower sleeps during the afternoon???..The day-zzz
-
Despite child labor laws, ore kids still produce coal.
-
Yep - I rose to the occasion . . .
-
yep you put the petal to the metal on that one Bud.... so hows it growing out there...
find new digs yet?
-
Being the awesome spouse that I am...I even know Patti`s favorite flower....Pillsbury self rising...................
-
I knew it! I knew that someday this topic would blossom!
-
I knew it! I knew that someday this topic would blossom!
Time to deadhead it, before it goes to seed . . .
-
Deadhead?? You speak german..mate?? :cheers:
-
The root of it is that it stems from bad speling and grammer.
-
SB has blossomed into quite the comedian today (went out on a limb for that one)
-
I meant to give the bride flowers yesterday...But then I remembered I hadn`t botany...........
-
Know what pigs and ink have in common? They both get put in pens...........
-
And I never said I went to Penn. State...I said I was in the State Pen................. :cheers:
-
And I never said I went to Penn. State...I said I was in the State Pen................. :cheers:
So's the coaching staff . . .
-
Which brings to mind the title of a book written about the baseball teams of the Marquette Branch (state) Prison here in the old days. Coach Brumm's book was titled "We Only Played Home Games". :roll:
https://www.amazon.com/Only-Played-Home-Games-Michigans/dp/0971805008
-
Which brings to mind the title of a book written about the baseball teams of the Marquette Branch (state) Prison here in the old days. Coach Brumm's book was titled "We Only Played Home Games". :roll:
https://www.amazon.com/Only-Played-Home-Games-Michigans/dp/0971805008
Wow, and all this time, I thought the inmates we're playing in Ann Arbor . . .
PS - Go Hawkeyes . . .
-
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.
A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
“Blind man driving.”
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”
And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
-
Old people shut up and let the youngsters wonder where you'd find this saying:
"Here I sit, Broken Hearted.
Paid a Nickle, Only Farted." :-D :-D
-
Sign on the door of the Cremation Society:
"Think Outside The Box"
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Stainless and Slim, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Slim didn't show up. Stainless didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Slim hadn't shown up for a week or so, Stainless really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Stainless didn't know where Slim lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Stainless figured he had seen the last of Slim, but one day, Stainless approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Slim!
Stainless was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Slim, what in the world happened to you?'
Slim replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Stainless. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Slim said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Stainless, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead
'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
-
Sign next to a urinal - "We aim to please. You aim too , please"
-
what has a head, a tail ,But no legs??? A coin... :roll:
-
I have an Asian friend who is a stock broker...His name is " Cha Ching"......Ooops..crossed the line again didn`t I ? :cheers:
-
What would you name a camel with no hump???...Humphrey..
-
What would you name a camel with no hump???...Humphrey..
So should I stick my nose under the tent?
-
As we've moved on to animals...
what breed of dog can do magic tricks?
Labracadabrador.
-
Of course the dog has an owl for a side-kick...It`s named Hoo-dini.................. :cheers:
-
Theater students at Texas A&M once put on a production of Lawrence of Arabia in the camel milking parlor of the Ag Sciences lab in College Station.
The facility is now known as the "Drama-Dairy".
-
Too bad this thread is no good for Wednesday aka Hump day! :-D :dhorse:
-
I saw a dentist get into a fight w/ a manicurist.....It was tooth and nail...............
-
Some stole a crate of Viagra from the local Fed Ex....Cops are looking for hardened criminals..............
-
Some stole a crate of Viagra from the local Fed Ex....Cops are looking for hardened criminals..............
Update - police have erected a booby trap . . .
-
Yeah, The Man is always puttin` it to the working stiff.................
-
What do you call a woman that gambles??....Betty... :cheers:
-
What do you call a woman that gambles??....Betty... :cheers:
What do you call a woman that rambles?
Depends on if you can get a word in.
Personally, I'd just send her a text . . .
-
Daylight Saving
s time change this weekend. Don't forget to "Fall Forward." :evil:
Mike
-
It`s that time of the year again.....What do you sing at a snow man`s birthday party??? Freeze a jolly good fellow...............
-
I crossed a turkey with a banjo...Now I have a bird that plucks itself..............
-
.....thinking I might cook a tofu turkey for this year...Pranksgiving... :evil:
-
What's the difference between a loaf of bread and the sun?
One rises from the east, the other rises from the yeast!
-
That`s funny , No matter how you slice it.... :cheers:
-
Ah, talk of the staff of life. I have always insisted on the breast in bed. :cheers:
I mean the best in bread! Silly mistake - 'scuse me.
-
Jerry, I know you want to quit doing Thanksgiving Day jokes, but you can't quit cold turkey :cheers:
-
Aaaaaaand Bob gets a leg-up on all of us..........................
-
Aaaaaaand Bob gets a leg-up on all of us..........................
He is a dog like that...
-
I really hate cold turkey but I can handle a nice warm breast.
Ron
-
Aaaaaaand Bob gets a leg-up on all of us..........................
He is a dog like that...
when Bob was a young pup he rated women on an alpha-numeric scale....always stopping before K-9... :evil:
-
Wow, take a couple of hours off and they start picking the bones clean..... well guess this is our pre-Thanksgiving Friday opportunity... So instead of dressing this up, I'll just say
Happy Thanksgiving to all you turkeys... :cheers:
-
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa ?? Santa stops after three Ho`s....
-
I have a fear of Santa...Claus trophobia..............Did you know Santa goes to the mall to sit on Chuck Norris lap??
-
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.
In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?'
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch.
-
Exemplary effort, Woody! Thank you very much. :cheers: :cheers:
-
Yes, what Jon said.
But...certainly in the wrong thread. :mrgreen:
Mike
-
Back in high school my English teacher told us "Santa's little helpers" was about subordinate clauses....
-
Back in high school my English teacher told us "Santa's little helpers" was about subordinate clauses....
When Stainless's English teacher told him "Santa's little helpers" was about subordinate clauses.... :wink:
-
Back in high school my English teacher told us "Santa's little helpers" was about subordinate clauses....
When Stainless's English teacher told him "Santa's little helpers" was about subordinate clauses.... :wink:
I decided to Czech that out -
"Když jej učitel angličtiny Stainless řekl, "Santa má malí pomocníci", bylo to o podřízených klauzích."
-
all of my trees have taken off work...They are on paid leaf............ :cheers:
-
and..Since I am so crappy at posting links...you fellows need to go to bangshift.com and check out the videos posted today of an engine failure on the dyno. There is a reason my `liner`s engine will be behind me.
-
With the engine behind you, you will be the last to know that you're on fire. Ask me how I know.....
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
how do bees part their hair???..With a honey comb............
-
two bed bugs met in a mattress...They got married in the spring.................. :cheers:
-
Why did the ant change its course to the cookie crumbs....
It didn't want to walk through the spot where the centipede :cheers:
-
And Bob rushes to the lead leaving me bee hind...........gotta get to the cooking class I teach, Don`t want to keep my stewed ants waiting... :cheers:
-
you guy's are starting to bug me...
-
you guy's are starting to bug me...
sorry...I don`t have an ant sir to that one.......................
-
Sheesh - you guys will wriggle around and do anything to worm a little humor out of a situation.
-
ahem........................Only a small segment of us Jon.........................
-
But is The segment enough to reproduce? Male or female?
-
Jerry.... Jerry.... Jerry.... Jerry.... it's Friday
and it's close enough to Christmas... yule be able to start Christmas jokes :cheers:
-
Bob, he's likely hung over. Jerry was doing Karaoke at Harold Angel's last night.
-
Since this snow started falling, Patti just stands there looking through the glass....If it gets too deep for her, I`ll let her inside. :cheers:
-
And M/M....10 years sober as of Oct. 12........But :cheers:anyway
-
I don't believe in Santa. Does that make me a rebel without a Claus? :cheers:
-
And M/M....10 years sober as of Oct. 12........But :cheers:anyway
Now just put down your Cuban cigars and your AK47s, and the ATF will be off your back completely.
Seriously, though, good for you, my friend. :-)
-
Since this snow started falling, Patti just stands there looking through the glass....If it gets too deep for her, I`ll let her inside. :cheers:
Same with me and Kate - except I checked the forecast and texted her - "It's going to rain, dear".
-
holiday puns eh...? Hmmmm... Think I might need help decorating the x_mas tree, better call Judy Garland....
-
favorite Nintendo game in Vietnam ??? TETris.......... :cheers: ( send those hateful p.m.`s to...Seldom Se.....)
-
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb ?? ...10...1 changes the bulb, The other 9 stand on each other`s shoulders..........
-
what do you call an elf that tells bad jokes ?? A Christmas card............
-
Why is Christmas just like a day in the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit :cheers:
-
Twas, the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, they'd been worn all week and needed the air! :-D
-
what do you call an elf with money ??? .....welfy...
-
If eleven elves were standing together and another elf joined them....would he be the twelf ????
-
My blonde friend Marybeth is so goofy.......when she learned that a computer password needed to be at least 8 characters...She used Snow White and the 7 Dwarves...........
-
Long ago there was a Russian Czar by the name of Rudolph the Red.
While looking out the window of his palace, he stated to his wife that it had began to rain.
His wife replied that it was too cold to rain, so it must be sleet.
He said, it is not sleet, it is rain!
Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear. :roll:
-
I broke my ankle a while back and the doctor told me I`d be on my feet in no time at all....And he was right..i had to sell my car to pay his bill........................... :cheers:
-
New years resolutions...They go in one year and out the other...........
-
for 2018..I resolve to not set myself on fire whilst showing the bride a really neat trick....again... :cheers:
-
Jerry, did you hear about the Ram that went looking for the end of a rainbow... after one of the Kids told him he'd find a double ewe... :roll:
-
Sure Bob...and then they could wool the world.......................
-
The ram was in a line going up the mountain path and fell off. He didn't see the ewe turn.
-
In honor of the -8 weather today....What did one emperor penguin say to the other??? Nothing..he gave him the cold shoulder
-
It`s so cold here...Starbucks is selling coffee on a stick.............
-
Just saw the local high school is offering a gunsmithing class.... triggernometry
-
That class could be a barrel of fun....................
-
Depends on how high you set your sights.
Ron
-
A bang up class for sure...
-
Just saw the local high school is offering a gunsmithing class.... triggernometry
I read a CLIP in a MAGAZINE about it.
It said the instructor had been FIRED over BLOWBACK from a CHOKING incident.
One SINGLE ACTION like this can cause a RECOIL if not SILENCED.
Lets keep a GRIP and not GO OFF half COCKED and SLING mud until the truth is EXTRACTED in the judges CHAMBER.
The PRESS has been MUZZELED and warned about BREECHES. :roll:
-
I heard the report.
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Sounds like they were zeroing in on the target.
Ron
-
I heard some slug wrote that report.
-
That was only a basic report- sort of a primer. Written for the upper echelon brass.
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
The slug was probably very low velocity.
Ron
-
Or a few grains short of a full charge!? :-o :-D :dhorse:
-
Who really gives a shoot.
-
Friday was yesterday guys.... :|
-
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hysteresis
-
Woody...Of all people......
-
"Office Space"- one of the funniest movies ever!
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
June Lange says..... :roll:
-
woo hoo
-
getting closer...........
-
I have memes for sat. and sunday too..............
-
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
-
Why are pirates so mean??? I don`t know either..They just arrrr :cheers:
-
Where does a pirate captain keep his buccaneers?
Under his buccin' hat!
-
What did the pirate first mate see in the toilet?
The captain's log!
-
What is a pirates favorite doll?
Barrrrrrbie!
-
What was the pirates golf score?
Parrrrrr!
-
What did the surgeon charge pirates to pierce their ears?
A buck an ear!
-
Before this thread gets pirated . . .
A pirate captain quietly walked onto the deck of his ship with the ship's helm wheel swedged to his crotch.
The first mate called for a course correction - "Three degrees starboard!"
The helmsman, who was always an annoyance and usually drunk, didn't quite notice the captain when he went to make the course correction.
"Arrrr!", yelled the captain, "Steady as she goes, helmsman! You're drivin' me nuts!"
-
Whooooaa, good one, Chris.
:cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
A pirate buddy gave me his parrot...It fell in love with a duck and keeps saying "Polly wanna quacker"
-
You should hear that parrot sing....All high c`s
-
.......I bought him his own miniature pirate ship.....It was on sail........................
-
This guy ends up in court...The judge says" You are here today for drunk driving"..The guy says " Great !!..let`s get started ..." :cheers:
-
Know how to tell the moon is waxing? :?
The dark side is on the left!
Oh, and the screams when the hair comes out! :-o :-o :-o
-
BLASPHEMER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
Hey Woody...Know why the lumberjack shaved his legs?? Because people kept mistaking him for a feminist.....................
-
I`ve decided to try to get in better shape using the Fonda work-out.....Peter Fonda. I get up at noon, drop a hit of acid ,smoke a joint and walk over to my sister`s house and borrow money..........
-
Actual comedy for Friday.....This gem was posted on the "Crap people bring into the shop " thread on GarageJournal.com. The teenager that bought it was told by the seller that it " Needs rear brakes" Judge for yourselves.
-
Nothing funny from me today. I'm stuck in Oshkosh. Go ahead and laugh.
-
MM said: "... Go ahead and laugh."
B'Gosh! :-D :-D :-D
-
hey Chris..............
-
teaching school up there
-
You`ll be O.K.... M.M...Just don`t fear the wurst.................
-
Cheese................ you guys
-
Looked out the window this morning, and my yard was covered with sausages.
So I asked Kate, "What the hell is all this?"
"Idiot," she said, "It's ground hog day!"
-
I think mountains are funny...They are hill areas...........
-
That will be the peak of my humor for now...........
-
Geeez Chris...............
-
Generally, I don't drink German beers, but this one is Spot on . . .
-
Yeah, well...There are two suds to every story.............. :cheers:
-
german beer puns can be entertaining....Hit me Beck in you Jever find any...........
-
If I stay on the computer any longer I`ll get Hacker Pschorrs
-
Maybe a St. Pauli Girl could help! :-D :cheers:
-
THAT'll put a link in your lederhosen . . .
-
I'm always amused at the name of this beer. In the mid-50s, the St. Pauli district in Hamburg was the red light district; a tawdry, cheap, & rough place for tourists. How did they come up with this name for their beer?
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Because it was "the red light district; a tawdry, cheap, & rough place".
We ain't talkin' lemonade here.
-
Hey! I was born in St. Pauli!
Maybe that explains things a little.
Willi
-
For about 30 years St. Pauli Girl Dark was my favorite mass produced beer that I could find almost anywhere. One day I found that it was no longer available. Discontinued, sacrificed on the alter of small batch IPA with cute labels that are demanding more and more retail shelf space. The beer was smooth, and I'm still quite bitter about it. :dhorse:
-
Why did the banana go to the doctor??? He wasn`t peeling well..........
-
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh???....Ten tickles.............
-
Funniest squid 'joke' ever: Art Linkleter, "Kids Say the Funniest Things!"
Art asked a young boy what he would do if attacked by a giant squid.
With little or no hesitation and dead serious, he replied, "I'd cut off his testicles!" :-o :cheers:
Art fell to the floor laughing!
[And the kid had a "well, what would you do" look on his face!]
-
President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, - duck!”
-
A good friend of mine told me he has an allergy to alcohol...
It makes him break out in handcuffs........... :cheers:
-
Ever wonder why they call them "handcuffs" since they put them around arrest....
-
I can`t think of a reply off the cuff.................
-
Must be why the police "Awrest" you when they put them on...
-
can`t believe a wrist joke has me ...pinned............................
-
OK..Found this...
-
You guy`s can carry forth with the wrist jokes..I`ll "watch"....It`ll be a joint effort..........
-
What a limp reply! :cry: :cry:
-
Well we do have rules here.... one of them requires restraint :roll:
-
Leather straps and collars :? :? :?
Ron
-
Where does a mouse keep his boat???...At the hickory dickory dock...........
-
I have a friend who's an MD. He's famous for the cocktail he invented containing smoke flavoring and rum. We call him the hickory daiquiri doc.
-
Sounds like a fun doctor...................I used to drink before English lit. class...helped me to write Tequila Mockingbird.................
-
Now trouble is brewing...
-
Jon;
I was watching the Olympic skiing events on TV last night and noticed the wavy blue lines on the snow. Did a Porta-Potty fall over and roll downhill? :-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Friday morning in Korea. :-D
-
I`ll let it go THIS time Neil............. :cheers:
-
OK Neil..............
-
When I found out my toaster isn`t water proof...I was shocked.... :lol:
-
I remember one time as a small child...My dad was washing the family station wagon with me and mom yelled from the house...'Hey, use a sponge instead".................................. :cheers:
-
"THEATER SEATS FOR SENIORS"
An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;
"The balcony"....
-
what do you call a person that quits their diet???...a desserter..............
-
Jerry dieting is serious.... don't sugarcoat it.... :cheers:
-
Yo Bob...I`ll just hang out at a paint store....You can get thinner there...............
-
Jerry I always eat well balanced meals... ya know... heavy beer with heavy food... light wine with light food, spicy wine with spicy food....
although there is a point that balance can be lost :-o :cheers:
-
I see the scales tipping in Stainless's flavor...
-
So THIS is how you want to play eh??...Alcohol doesn`t make you fat..It makes you lean....on tables..on chairs...random strangers........
-
Know what`s fun about being sober???....Nothing :cheers:
-
Jerry....
can't top those today.... maybe on Sundae
-
thinking about getting a job washing mirrors...I could see myself doing that...............
-
I bought a whiteboard for the shop...Those things are remarkable.................................
-
Primo stuff this morning, Jerry.
-
thinking about getting a job washing mirrors...I could see myself doing that...............
I bought a whiteboard for the shop...Those things are remarkable.................................
This week's theme - reflection and correction. :wink:
-
Speaking of corrections - Jerry - When are you getting out? :wink:
-
Not that any of this reflects unkindly on Jerry.
Ron
-
Sheesh!
Because of you guys and your, ummm.... "Humor" I spent all weekend trading phone calls with my Turkish drug dealer!
##
-
:?
-
Can't believe I stumped the great FJ.
(Hint) read it out loud
-
Eh-hem..............
-
I know, I know.
But I had eaten too much over the weekend and couldn't weight
-
sigh.............................................. :cheers:
-
The Dog Star never laughs at my jokes...he`s too Sirius............
-
Saw a space creature with 3 eyes...It was an Aliiien.................
-
Thanks Jer! Aleyeseyeseyesen is really hard to pronounce! :-P A real tang-toungler! :x :-D
-
No problem Woody...................I tried to book a hotel room on the moon....But it was full.................
-
Just as well, Jerry. They have bed bugs . . . I think they're called lunar ticks.
-
Yo Chris....I`m just happy they are doing so well........A few weeks ago they were down to the last quarter...................
-
St Patrick Day has started in Ireland.
-
what did one rain drop say to the other???..." Two`s company, Three is a cloud......"
-
Tried to get up early today to see the fog.....But I mist...............................
-
As a child I had a weird disease that required me to eat dirt and worms three times per day in order to survive...Thankfully I had older sisters that pointed that out........
-
This old gray bearded one percenter saddle tramp goes out for a night on the town....He awakes the next morning in the driveway outside his trailer and notices his glass eye is missing....He calls down to The Iron Horse Saloon and requests that the bartender rummage through the lost and found for said glass eye....Barkeep does so and asks ..." What color is your`s" ?.......................... :cheers:
-
Overheard recently in Australia.....
A. "yea, but I think she's a lesbian..."
B. "wasn't the last time I checked..."
:cheers:
-
Know where otters come from???...otter space.......
-
I think I need to work on my reading skills...I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.......... :cheers:
-
Greatest Of All Time?
-
Old geezer is walking down the sidewalk when he sees a young boy sitting on the curb crying. The old boy asks the child why he is crying...The kid says " Because I can`t do the things the teenage boys do". So the gent sat down and cried with him. :evil:
-
Voice of experience, Jerry?
Jes wundrin'
-
Forgive me for this one.......................Two old ladies are sitting on the porch chatting and one asks the other if she ever feels horny...The ol` gal says that she does, But she sucks on a lifesaver and it goes away...The first lady asks...." Which beach do you go to "?...... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
Must be 4/20 on the duck side of the moon, as well . . .
-
eh-hem..........
-
What did the pig say as he sun bathed on the beach??.. "I`m bacon"................
-
Macon Bacon... comes from Georgia....
Makin Bacon.... comes in a variety of ways...
-
Meanwhile - a long time ago in Beerhaven . . .
https://shepherdexpress.com/arts-and-entertainment/ae-feature/dick-bacon-abides/
-
Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies ??????????????????
-
Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies ??????????????????
I asked the neighbor's dog. He said - "raw, raw, raw".
-
I`m not saying Santa is a drinking man...But I hear he replaced the reindeer with the Schlitz malt Liquor Bull.............
-
........At least that`s what I ..." herd" :cheers:
-
For Mike................what is large, gray, Irish and lives in a river in Africa??..A Hip O` potamus
-
Wow Jerry, does that mean the Opossum is actually an Irish animal :cheers:
-
Ya know Bob.....My wife is Irish....Her maiden name was Patti O` Furniture......Spends a lot of time out on the deck...............
-
I think my last girlfriend was Scotch and Irish. She liked to get drunk and just did not like to pay for it.
-
So our last president was actually Irish.....O'bama?
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
I'm gonna need to see a birth certificate to believe that, Neil. :mrgreen:
Mike
-
Now, now you two.....We don`t want anyone hunkered down in their safe space cuddling a puppy and sipping cocoa................ :cheers:
-
I'm gonna need to see a birth certificate to believe that, Neil. :mrgreen:
Mike
Mike, I'll print one up for you right away! Just be careful handling it 'cause the paper has perforations every four inches. :-o :-D
-
Do plumbers play craps at a casino?..................
-
Plumber.........Only job where the boss insists your joints have plenty of dope in them............
-
Plumber jokes.... really... we don't get cracked up over those Jerry :cheers:
-
Said Bob with a sly wink and a nudge w/ an ...elbow............... :cheers:
-
I'd venture into the nipple and bung aspects of this subject, but Slim wants us to keep things PvC.
-
PVC jokes???...No sweat............
-
Yo Nami.......It`s Friday...Join our plumbing joke thread.............
-
..........before the thread jokes taper off............
-
..........before the thread jokes taper off............
Didn't you mean pipe in before things taper
I just cemented my knowledge of PVC work last week while installing my geothermal heat pump.... glad I didn't sweat the small stuff....
-
This plumber gets a house call for a leak repair and arrives at 11:50 a. m...........The lovely young gal who owns the house shows him the trouble spot in the bathroom and asks if would be O.K for her to take a bath while he is eating lunch. The plumber sits on the toilet and says " No problem...Just try not to splash water on my sandwich "
-
I am flush w/ plumbing jokes........
-
gluing PVC..................prime job to get stuck with.
-
A doctor calls a plumber at night to unclog his kitchen sink. The plumber runs a snake down the drain, takes him about three minutes. Tells the doctor "that will be $150"
The doctor says "$150 dollars, I'm a doctor and I don't make that kind of money."
Plumber says "I didn't make that kind of money when I was a doctor either"
Ron
-
Remembering today's hero: Thomas Crapper - Sanitary Engineer (look him up):
(https://i.imgur.com/oGikqo0.jpg)
:cheers:
Mike
-
Off the toilet and back to jokes...….Ghosts are bad liars...You can see right through them...…………..
-
Does a rhyming ranch-hand use a poet lariat?
-
a good pun is it`s own reword :cheers:
-
a good pun is it`s own reword :cheers:
And the bad ones wind up here! :cheers:
-
A wun is the lowest form of pit! :cry: :-D
-
My local butcher was arrested for being a Russian spy....Guess there is more to him than meats the eye...………...
-
…….he is also 6`7" tall...Know what he weighs??? Meat....Butcher`s weigh meat...……………. :cheers:
-
My local butcher was arrested for being a Russian spy....Guess there is more to him than meats the eye...………...
A good butcher takes his time - he shouldn't be Russian.
-
I think my butcher is Polish... He knew what it was when he saw sage.... :cheers:
-
I find it hard to take that you're Putin Russians into this thread.
Mike
-
I just added them for dressing Mike...………….
-
Same butcher (the Russian one) had a lady walk in and ask if he had pig`s ears...Butcher says " No...It`s just the way my hair is parted ………." :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
Where to math teachers go on vacation???...………………..Times Square
-
Jerry, you're late. Were you not counting or miscounting the days :? :?
Ron
-
Jerry, Patti tells me you bought a ream of graph paper... are you plotting something :-o :cheers:
-
good lord Bob..Graph jokes???? Isn`t that a sine of madness??? :cheers:
-
good lord Bob..Graph jokes???? Isn`t that a sine of madness??? :cheers:
Now boys, let's not put the cartesian before the horizon . . .
-
good lord Bob..Graph jokes???? Isn`t that a sine of madness??? :cheers:
Jerry, Patti tells me you bought a ream of graph paper... are you plotting something :-o :cheers:
He'll never get away with it - Patti needs to cosine . . .
-
I knew if I left you guys alone you would go off on a tangent.... again :cheers:
-
I knew if I left you guys alone you would go off on a tangent.... again :cheers:
Pack a bag
We're going on a tangent
G
-
I knew if I left you guys alone you would go off on a tangent.... again :cheers:
August on the flats? Bring sunscreen.
We'll ALL be tan, gents . . .
(Stainless edit... party foul for Saturday post on Friday thread... but exception granted... that"s good Chris :-D)
-
Let's lower the bar a bit.
That way, I don't have to reach up to grab a drink . . .
-
Let's lower the bar a bit.
That way, I don't have to reach up to grab a drink . . .
In that case......
Did you hear about the bee that asked the bartender for a drink?
He was politely told to buzz off!
-
what brand of car do raccoons drive??/….Furrari………...
-
This cowboy is out mending fences and loses his bible given to him from his dear ol` grandmother. Two weeks later....A raccoon walks up to him holding said book in his little teeth......cowboy reaches down and takes the bible in his hands and looks skyward exclaiming " It`s a MIRACLE :!!!...The raccoon says ' Not really. Your name is written inside" :cheers:
-
How many ants does it take to rent an apartment???...…..Ten ants
-
With that many ants will they have an apartment complex?
-
And they'll probably need a condomaxium
-
I think they`d need uncles with the ants to make things complex...……………...
-
And to build such a complex, you'd need carpenter ants . . .
-
And, speaking of carpente rants (sp?) if one of them was a pink pANTher, you'd have a lot of dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaant.
-
No carpenter ants....They get board too easily
-
No carpenter ants....They get board too easily
Carpenter Ants have a reputation of being industrious and hard working, but what Jerry is saying would be the Antithesis of that behavior.
-
Wood you no what there thessis is inn?
-
No carpenter ants....They get board too easily
Carpenter Ants have a reputation of being industrious and hard working, but what Jerry is saying would be the Antithesis of that behavior.
Army ants, on the other hand, are regimented.
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Army ants, on the other hand, are regimented.
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
Neil, you're pretty sharp on European Cold War affairs -
If these Army Ants were stationed in Leningrad, would they have been Red Army Ants?
-
I'm feeling a strong antipathy to today's stupid jokes. :cheers:
-
Army ants, on the other hand, are regimented.
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
Neil, you're pretty sharp on European Cold War affairs -
If these Army Ants were stationed in Leningrad, would they have been Red Army Ants?
Touche!, Chris. :-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
It is so hot here today.....I saw a Robin use a pot holder to pull up a worm...…………….
-
………...farmers are feeding crushed ice to the chickens to prevent them from laying boiled eggs...…………...
-
…………….Jehovah`s Witnesses are Telemarketing....(oops. Too far ?? )
-
…………….Jehovah`s Witnesses are Telemarketing....(oops. Too far ?? )
:-D :-D :-D :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Pete
-
Hot topic - tepid response.
-
I got fired from my part time job at the calendar factory. All I did, was take a couple of days off.
-
I got fired from my part time job at the calendar factory. All I did, was take a couple of days off.
Then we will expect you to be more august in September :cheers:
-
Then we will expect you to be more august in September :cheers:
[/quote]
I will accept that challenge!!
-
know why hurricanes travel so fast?? Because if they moved less briskly, They`d be slow-I-canes :cheers:
-
I`m not ignoring Monte`s theme for the day...….I just let it go in one year and out the other...………….
-
anyone want a Golden Retriever ?? I have had one for 8 months and he has not retrieved so much as a speck...………..
-
Hmm...………..looks like I am on my own here....hey JB, How does a train eat ??..It goes chew-chew
-
I almost bought a metal detector, But I found out you have to swing both ways...………………….
-
I burned well over 2,000 calories last night.
That is the last time I try to cook brownies while I take a nap.
-
Yo Monte...………...Know which type of brownies are never on time ??? Choco-late :roll:
-
Different subject (maybe)…..I walked out of a store last night and this youngster asked if I had any weed....I told him he could go to jail for weed and he said " Really ??? They sell weed at the jail " ?? :cheers:
-
This cow is walking around in a pasture and fell down a well.....I guess she didn`t see that well...……….
-
I hired a guy to chop down a tree and he couldn`t cut it....So I gave him the axe
-
….You saw that coming didn`t you... :cheers:
-
Did you know, people is sleeping bags, are the soft tacos of the bear world.
-
I'll bear with you on that statement. I also heard you need to wear bells so when the rangers paw through the bear scat, they can tell if there is bells in it, the bears got one.
Ron
-
eating a camper...How bar-bear-ic……...How`d you like to be the bearer of that news ?? :dhorse:
-
Wouldn't the aluminum skin get stuck in their teeth :? :?
Ron
-
I can bear-ly take all these puns!
-
Yep Monte, pretty un-bear-able to this grizzly old guy...
-
Let's change our bear-ing ............... :dhorse: :dhorse:
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1 - Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2 - Forgive your enemy - but remember the a**hole's name.
3 - If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4 - Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.
5 - Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
-
Patti was filling her car`s gas tank while smoking a cigar and her arm caught fire....When the police showed up, They shot her for waving a fire arm...…………...
-
I have a salt joke but it is sodium that not even I would say it...………………...
-
you mean it would be an assault on our sensibilities?
-
Maybe even a little or a lot "CRUSTY", depending on the time of day.
Ron
-
It would have probably have fallen flat . . .
-
Yeah....I sorta shot myself with my own A-salt weapon...……………..
-
I had a joke about silverware but I said " Ah...fork it"...………….
-
Speaking of cutlery......I just heard one of my spoons talking with a knife and fork....It said that it felt it`s life was pointless...………….
-
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm over eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.
-
OK Mike......I`ll play...……………….Did you know there is a generic version of Viagra ?? It`s called ' Mycoxastandin"
-
I know a guy that was busted for selling stolen Viagra...………..Pretty stiff penalty...……………...
-
:-D. I was waiting!!!!!!!.
-
A hardened dealer ?
-
a geologist`s wife left him....He took her for granite...……….
-
….Not that I blame him, She was always stoned...……..
-
geology jokes....I have hit rock bottom....But I got them on shale !! :cheers:
-
Jerry, when I read your jokes I fracked up!
-
Jerry, your jokes rock!
-
aww.....You guys are so sedimental :roll:
-
I thought we were being pretty frickin' igneous.
-
Looks like I struck a vein...let me dig up some more....I`ll "pick" through my underground magazine collection...…...
-
This new outcropping is nothing but schist.
-
If you don't stope this I'll adit to your record.
-
Jerry, your jokes rock!
I`m just happy to see it`s not you that has me on ignore...Hmmm...maybe the Midget..nope….hmmmm….Franklin??? :cheers:
-
Don't abandon the geology series yet. I'm still working "amygdaloid" into the conversation.
-
Slim....That would not be gneiss...…………..
-
I think you are all pretty funny in the aggregate.
John
-
Still waiting Till someone comes up with another joke.
-
Nearly soiled myself on that one...………..
-
I had planned to make a chair from a pile of small rocks....Decided to go with one large rock...Boulder choice I think... :cheers:
-
……..which was rude of me since my mom carried the rocks over to my house....It was the mother lode...………... :dhorse:
-
That was a brackish thing to say about your mom.
-
Now that I think of it, Euhedral the same conclusion as I do.
-
How many quartz have youse guys have you had already today?
-
I am such a stope, I thought you were forming a conglomerate!
-
So when two diamonds meet, is that carbon dating?
-
If you lined up every car ever made, end to end....It would be U.S. 131 North on Labor day (that was for Slim)
-
Jimmy Hoffa has been found !!!...He is at Detroit Metro Hospital , Trying to organize labor pains
-
Does Jimmy Hoffa`s middle name being " Riddle" strike anyone else as odd?
-
So Jerry I imagine your middle name being... straw... or maybe blue... or maybe black... or since you are getting older... elder
-
I thought it was Friday? :?
ALL PUNS INTENDED
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!'
exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. Then there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
21. Dogs can't operate MRI machines but cats can.
22. Our mountains aren't just funny - they're hill areas.
23. Turning vegan would be a big missed steak.
24. Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
25. Forget world peace try visualizing your turn signals!
26. Life is short, if you can't laugh at yourself, call me - I will!
27. What i if I told you, you read the first part of this sentence wrong?
28. Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
29. My mood ring is missing and I don't know how I feel about that.
30. I scream, you scream, the police come, it gets awkward.
31. Despite the high cost of living it remains popular.
32. I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don't know Y.
33. Cow stumbles into a pot field, the steaks have never been higher.
34. Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.
35. Looking for fresh vegetable puns - lettuce know.
36. He who laughs last - didn't get it!
37. Big shout out to my fingers! I can always count on them.
38. Is irony the opposite of wrinkly?
39. Tried to grab some fog but I mist.
40. If you suck at playing the trumpet that may be why.
41. When you are down by the see and an eel bites your knee - that's a moray.
42. For chemists alcohol is not a problem - it's a solution!
-
I think I'm getting lazier as I age. I got cut off by a someone in traffic today, so I rolled down my window, held my hand out and stuck my pinky in the air.
He wasn't worth the whole bird.
-
I needed to know the weight of my pet whale....so I took him to a whale weigh station
-
….He`s been eating a lot of fish and ships...……...
-
If Patti posted that I'd say Mammal that sounds like a good fish story except...
:cheers:
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Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner:
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people were married last year. Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn’t that be an even number?
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that! :x
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor".
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
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♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
:?
I've got a mail slot in the door . . . :cry:
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Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner:
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people were married last year. Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn’t that be an even number?
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that! :x
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor".
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Woody, please send these to me in an e-mail. To funny not to widely redistribute.
John
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4,153,237 people were married last year....but shouldn’t that be an even number?
The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
There's your odd number. :mrgreen:
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Yo Stainless...……………...I replaced our bed with a trampoline and Patti hit the roof...…………..
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speaking of wives....Anyone know how to disable the auto-correct function on them ???
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Know what I did before I got married???...Any G/D*mn thing I wanted to do :cheers:
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Reminds me of the drug addict fisherman that caught a duck...Now he`s hooked on quack
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Jerry... u r 2 fun knee
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Jerry for president. Period.
Hey Jerry, what's your thing with ducks????. :-D
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Big Brother says, "Jerry quacks like a duck." :mrgreen:
Mike
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Jerry for president. Period.
Hey Jerry, what's your thing with ducks????. :-D
He doesn't want to be President. He'd rather be known as "His Eggcelency"
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I think he's ducking the issue.
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I think he's ducking the issue.
Exquackly! :-o :-D
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I asked Patti what she wanted for her birthday and she told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I got her nothing...……...
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…..Just kidding....I got her a new refrigerator…..You should see her face light up when she opens the door..... :cheers:
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I asked Patti what she wanted for her birthday and she told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I got her nothing...……...
…..Just kidding....I got her a new refrigerator…..You should see her face light up when she opens the door..... :cheers:
Rare patience, that girl.
-
Indeed Chris....I honestly have not a clue as to how she does it.
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I changed all of my passwords to " Incorrect"...That way, No matter what I type...It says " password is incorrect" :cheers:
-
I know it's not Friday, but I just wanted to give a shout-out to the guy makes Friday morning something almost worth waking up for.
Happy Birthday, Jerry!
KEEP IT REAL, KEEP IT STUPID - KEEP IT REAL STUPID. :wink:
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Thank you Chris...……………..365 days until I get my first Social Security check :cheers:
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Well I have to agree this thread should be active on Fridays and Jerry's Birthday
Jerry, since we are both optimistic I think we must have the same blood type.... B Positive :cheers:
Remember to take the candles off the cake before you have it, they will give you heartburn
Have a great 61st.... but I hate to tell you it will be 30 to 60 days longer.... the government is a slow pay outfit.
:cheers: again
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Happy Birthday Jerry and I'm not jokin'!!! :-D :-D :-D :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Pete
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I watched a segment on the local news regarding self driving vehicles and it made me wonder.....How long until we hear a country song about a guy`s truck leaving him too???
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I watched a segment on the local news regarding self driving vehicles and it made me wonder.....How long until we hear a country song about a guy`s truck leaving him too???
Jerry - I really think that this is one of your better ones! :cheers:
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I watched a segment on the local news regarding self driving vehicles and it made me wonder.....How long until we hear a country song about a guy`s truck leaving him too???
Not until his momma goes to prison! :x :-D :cheers:
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I was thinking.....If I glue a dead wasp to my palm....I could smack a total stranger in the head and they`d end up thanking me...…………….. :evil:
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I won $2 million on a lottery ticket.....Patti insisted I donate a quarter of it to charity....So now I have $1,999,999.75...……………………. :cheers:
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Happy belated birthday Jerry. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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I think that is Happy After Birth Day Mike...……………...
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A nice , long nap helps you live longer...Shortens the work day too...………..
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Back when I was a single guy...I had a gal dump me because of my OCD...I told her to leave and close the door 5 times on her way out :cheers:
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Hmmm...On my own today eh?.....I attended the funeral of a friend, Knowing that I am a minister his wife asked if I would speak at the service....I walked up to the lectern and said " Plethora"...As I walked back to my seat his wife held my hand and said " Thank you...That means a lot "...……………………... :cheers:
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Wonderful, Jerry!
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Our local T.V provider has an origami porn channel......It`s paper view...…………………………….
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...most people are shocked when they learn how bad I am as an electrician...………...
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***WARNING*** Actual Humor...………………………..My computer has caught the Miley Virus,,,,,It stopped twerking..... :cheers:
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MEDICAL ALERT!!!
Attention users of the "Little Blue Pill"
MEDICAL ALERT!!!
Reliable news reports this morning say that Russia's leading pharmaceutical manufacturer, based in Moscow and owned by an oligarch pal of Putin, has begun production of a generic "Little Blue Pill" copy.
Please ensure that the pill you are taking is genuinely U.S. made.
We can't have the Russians messing with our erections!
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When Reagan was POTUS the state department told him that the Russians were having birth control problems.
They wanted to know if the US could make condoms that could handle 10"~14" members.
Reagan thought a moment and said to tell them we could supply as many as they needed.
"Just be sure to mark them medium!" :-o :cheers:
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Recently I was invited to a friends wedding... invitation required a RSVP
I guess "maybe next time" was not an acceptable answer for his bride
-
I bought a new thesaurus and all of the pages are blank...…..I have no words for how angry that made me...……...
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O.K....I see how Bob wants to play...……………..Why did the guy wear his wedding ring on the wrong finger???...Because he married the wrong woman.... :cheers:
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Recently I was invited to a friends wedding... invitation required a RSVP
I guess "maybe next time" was not an acceptable answer for his bride
Reminds me of a quote by David Hidalgo of the band, "Los Lobos".
Before they started recording and touring, they played a lot of weddings in and around East LA.
"If you got married in East LA in the 1970s, we played your wedding", and adds, "Probably both of them".
-
MEDICAL ALERT!!!
Attention users of the "Little Blue Pill"
MEDICAL ALERT!!!
Reliable news reports this morning say that Russia's leading pharmaceutical manufacturer, based in Moscow and owned by an oligarch pal of Putin, has begun production of a generic "Little Blue Pill" copy.
Please ensure that the pill you are taking is genuinely U.S. made.
We can't have the Russians messing with our erections!
Are you Chinese with the Flied Lice?????, :-D
-
Misspell one word and the whole text is urined………..
-
Do you get annoyed when people answer their own questions??..I sure do
-
Patti said I never listen to her...Or something like that.... :cheers:
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Patti said I never listen to her...Or something like that.... :cheers:
Who told you that?
-
Not having a good day...a coffin salesman rang today......i told him....that's the last thing i need
-
What do you call an evil turkey??...Poultry geist
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Ya know what happens when you don't pay your exorcist... your house gets repossessed
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End of Day Light Saving Time this Sunday. Don't forget to Fall Forward. :evil: :cheers:
Mike
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Just what I need at 5AM.
Jerry, without a doubt you are the funniest guy around.
My brother's name is Jerry. He's not funny.
Poor Patti. She has to put up with you.
You'd probably leave me waiting at the airport for days.
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Peter Pan has been placed on the no-fly list,....The reasoning is that if he gets onboard, The plane will Never never land...………………..
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This guy in Texas goes on trial for murder..If convicted he`ll be executed. He and his brother come up with a plan...His bro` will bribe a juror to hold out for manslaughter and save his life. The brother offers a kindly looking old lady $10,000 for the task and she agrees. Trial concludes, Guy is convicted on manslaughter and the brother goes to the lady`s house to pay her. He hands over the cash and she says " That was the toughest 10 grand I ever earned.....The others all thought he was innocent and wanted to let him go....I had to convince them it was manslaughter'.... :cheers:
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Guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks what he`d like...Guy says " Surprise me "...So the bartender hands him naked pictures of his wife...……... :cheers:
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An Anthropology major walks into a bar....Puts on apron and starts waiting tables as 4 years of college have given him no marketable skills...……... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: ( Patti`s cousin has an Anthropology Doctorate)
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Called the dentist's office today to set an appointment. The receptionist started rattling off this laundry list of crap - "Don't forget your insurance card, parking is on the east side of the building, please be here 15 minutes early to fill out the paperwork".
I told her, "I know the drill".
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An Anthropology major walks into a bar....Puts on apron and starts waiting tables as 4 years of college have given him no marketable skills...……... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: ( Patti`s cousin has an Anthropology Doctorate)
So with all the schooling does he/she know anything about ants.... like how to get rid of them
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No Bob....He only knows how to apologize for his uncle`s wife breaking your window with a bad pitch...…( aunt-throw-pology…)
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How does a fish always know it`s own weight ?? It has it`s own scales...……. :cheers:
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What do you call a fish with two knees ???...A Tunee fish
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Hmmmm….On my own again eh ?....I bought a dry erase board for the shop...Those things are remarkable...…………………..
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What sound does a nut make when it sneezes ???...Cashew...………... :cheers:
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This highly intoxicated 3 foot tall guy stumbles into a bar, Falls on the floor and asks for a beer....Bartender says " You need to leave...I can see you`re a little drunk...."
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Kid down the street built a snowman in the yard and is now looking through a bag of carrots......I guess he`s picking his nose...………………..
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Jer, be careful, he may need that for the two lumps of coal! :-o :-D
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One of my friends is getting a divorce... He says she has changed... and just hasn't been the same since the house fell on her sister :-o
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There are two sides to every divorce....Your`s and Sh*t-Head`s
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Yep.
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I´ve just downloaded a pirate cpoy of the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema , really bad quality , as all I see is a little silhouetto of a man.
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That must be Scaramouch!!!!.
I hate that song. :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
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Pete sees a welding job posted in the local paper...$18-$40 per hour. He goes in for an interview and they want to see a couple test passes...First pass he does is the nastiest slag inclusion laden /holes blown/ undercut mess anyone has ever witnessed....Second pass is Lincoln Welding hand book picture perfect. guy asks why they are so different and Pete says " First one was $18...The second was $40 :cheers:
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:evil: :-D :cheers: :cheers:
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I can finally define my welding skills - around $18.79. And thats why none of the serious stuff is being welded by me - if only I could find someone who charges only $40 and hour :-D
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….That was the joke...Pete taking that big of a pay cut...………. :cheers:
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I just read cracker consumption was flat but bread is rising... :roll:
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Good to see Bob posting ,rather than loaf-ing around...……………….
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Jerry you knead to loaf a little or your brain will bake :cheers:
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Just enjoying the day in my little slice of heaven Bob...……………….
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Yes, I know.....I`m such a heel...………………... :evil:
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...And I`m certain you`ll toast to that...……….
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...And I`m certain you`ll toast to that...……….
It's the yeast he can do . . .
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Goodness....Chris is on a roll...…………...
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yes.... those are some pretty crumby puns.
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Pete sees a welding job posted in the local paper...$18-$40 per hour. He goes in for an interview and they want to see a couple test passes...First pass he does is the nastiest slag inclusion laden /holes blown/ undercut mess anyone has ever witnessed....Second pass is Lincoln Welding hand book picture perfect. guy asks why they are so different and Pete says " First one was $18...The second was $40 :cheers:
You're on to me Jerry! :-D :-D :-D :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Pete
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Not a joke..Just wanted to share this. My sister Mary ( yes, Jerry Berry has a sister Mary) collects antique sewing machines..I have no idea why..But she went to an auction and spotted a machine she just had to have...some old guy was looking it over pretty closely and Mary walked over and told him to stop looking because he " Didn`t bring enough money to get it...I will out-bid you until I get it" Sigh...She paid about 3 times it`s value. I need to coach her better. :oops:
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yes.... those are some pretty crumby puns.Or they are ?? I`ll bet you tossed out your toaster because you are black toast intolerant..... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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OK.... it appears that the bread jokes are becoming pretty stale.
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No my friend...Bread jokes never get mold...………. :evil:
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No my friend...Bread jokes never get mold...………. :evil:
Well . . . it kinda depends upon how you slice it.
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I`ll bet you tossed out your toaster because you are black toast intolerant.....
dough...... :roll: eye "roll". I just got it. doesn't that take the cake.
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No my friend...Bread jokes never get mold...………. :evil:
well then, please........ donut stop. I crust that you have more.
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This Vampire is leaving for his first date and dad vampire asks what the plans are for the night...The vampire says " We`re going to a movie and maybe stop for a quick bite"...…….
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Guy enters a barber shop with a small kid in tow.....he gets a haircut while the kid watches and then places the youth in the chair and tells the barber that he needs to run down the street and buy a shirt while the kid gets his hair cut. Barber cuts the little tykes hair and about 20 minutes pass...Barber tells the kid that dad must be having a hard time finding the right shirt and the kid says " He`s not my dad...he grabbed me off the corner and said to come with him for a free hair cut" :evil:
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I had an intermittent problem with my 70's AMC car, finally took it to a mechanic....
After 2 days he called and said it's a Gremlin :cheers:
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Bob...If you drove a Hornet...That joke would Bee funnier...………...
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Queue the Allman Bros' music: "Lord, I Was Born A Rambler Man"
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I suspect he has a "Rogue" mechanic.
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Queue the Allman Bros' music: "Lord, I Was Born A Rambler Man"
Yea...Good Ol` AMERICAN music...………….. :cheers:
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Pace(r) yourself Jerry
-
Was there ever a song about "The Kenosha Canoe"?
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Queue the Allman Bros' music: "Lord, I Was Born A Rambler Man"
Yea...Good Ol` AMERICAN music...………….. :cheers:
Well, finally after all these years, we've reached a Concord. :cheers:
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Queue the Allman Bros' music: "Lord, I Was Born A Rambler Man"
Yea...Good Ol` AMERICAN music...………….. :cheers:
Well, finally after all these years, we've reached a Concord. :cheers:
I nominate Mike to be our Ambassador. :cheers:
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After the Allman Bros, we should play Steve Miller "Fly Like an EAGLE." 8-)
-
And them Norman Greenbaum's Spirit in the sky.
-
then.....
Billy Idol's "Rebel" yell.
-
And just for Jerry, Pink Floyds, welcome to The Machine.
-
Are you guys serious or just throwing "Javelins" ?
Ron
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If I read one more AMC pun, I will (G)Nash my teeth...……...
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Never mind. :x
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Sorry Mike...……………... :evil:
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Some of the music choices are really Metropolitan.
Ron
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D-amn You Ron......I was going to suggest Mike go by the name Marlin...To sound more Metropolitan....
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We have some real pun Wrangler types on here today.. :cheers:
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To keep the Pacer up, I really could have had a Matador...
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Waiting on a post from Elizabeth Warren....She`s Cherokee :cheers:
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I think you're being Cavalier about the situation.
Ron
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AMC is so stupid they once made a typo and spelled it AMX.
Ron
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Waiting on a post from Elizabeth Warren....She`s Cherokee :cheers:
If she goes on the warpath, we can fend her off with a COMMANDO. :-D
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What? Us going all Renegade on her ??
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You guys are such great Ambassadors - you really push my buttons! :cheers: :cheers:
Anyone live near Concord? :?
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That`s the Spirit Woody...You Rebel...…….. :cheers:
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Perhaps Slim can think of other Nash model names....Being that he is an Elder....Statesman :dhorse:
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Can't reach him today – he's on Airflight #600 out of Kenosha.
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I wasn't a Nash Rambler specialist, if you will. Most of my knowledge came when my Aunt Verna flew in to our place near Chicago and I, freshly-minted driver license in hand (so this must have been in '64), drove her to Kenosha to pick up the new car at the factory. I remember getting nasty looks from employees when I referred to the car as a Nash Rambler. Evidently Mr. Nash and Mr. Rambler had already consummated their corporate divorce.
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Those Nash Ramblers gould go anywhere, about 50 yrs ago. I was headed to Bear Creek on a road blasted out of the side of the granite mountain, steep, loose, rocky and rough I was thinking i'm glad i have my low range in my 4 wheel drive pickup a 1966 Ford. We get to the creek and there's a Nash Rambler station wagon :-o
JL222
.
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https://www.google.com/search?q=the+beep+beep+song&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b-1
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https://www.google.com/search?q=the+beep+beep+song&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b-1
Thanks alot. Now I can't get the dam song out of my head :-D BEEP BEEP
JL222
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Anyone planning to post Christmas or Santa jokes should keep to thems elves...………………….. :roll:
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I met Santa`s reindeer once...One of them had no manners at all...Think his name was Rude-olph
-
What would you call Santa if he had no money??? Saint Nickle-less...…………………………..
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So, do you know the name of the 10th reindeer?
Olive; Olive the other reindeer!
-
Try this.
-
Why does Santa slide down the chimney?? Because it "soots" him...………...
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What do you call a cat on a sunny SoCal beach? Sandy Claws :dhorse:
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I enjoy watching the ball drop in Times Square....reminds me of what I did all year long...……….
-
Finding a comedian on NYE is easy...They are in the punch line...……...
-
The local beer brewing club is headed to a nude beach again this year for the Hoppy Nude Year's Eve Party
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Bob...…….I don`t believe I care to join that group for the "ball drop"...…………..
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Bob...…….I don`t believe I care to join that group for the "ball drop"...…………..
We may need to get a reading from Slim.... was that a dangling participle?
-
Yep - it's dangling low and to the left.
-
What movie do bees like to watch???...The Sting...……..
-
I hear that the bees have gone on strike...They want more honey and shorter working flowers......
-
I hear that the bees have gone on strike...They want more honey and shorter working flowers......
Nope - they're compensated through the pollen ate.
-
Only if the weather swarm Chris...…………………………..
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Slim was in the hospital recovery room after surgery and a nurse asked how he felt.....He told her that he felt just fine ,but he did not care for the doctor`s use of a 4 letter word during the procedure...Nurse asked what 4 letter word that might have been and Slim replied..." Oops' :cheers: :cheers: :evil:
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Hey Slim... if they start feeding you yeast and Turtle Wax you are close too being released....
They expect you to rise and shine :cheers:
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If this helps Slim...….My new Doctor looked over my medical records and said" You look much better on paper than you do in person...……."
-
Doctor told Slim, "I have good news and I have bad news!"
Slim said, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor says, "We have to amputate both your feet!" :-( :-(
Slim says, "WTF's the good news?"
Doc says, "We have a buyer for your shoes!" :-o :-o
Hope you don't get this doctor, Slim! :cheers:
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Let`s all hope that Slim`s Dr. doesn`t think a coma is a punctuation mark...…………….
-
Poor Jon...……….Patti has a boat-load of these..... :cheers:
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….Jon`s doctor is so dumb...He thinks Red Blood Count is another name for Dracula...………..
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Okay, okay -- slow down, gents. It turns out that. . .
So when I got back from Mayo it was after hours Friday before Christmas. I was carrying a form for the dentist to attest that he had looked and there weren't any cooties in my mouth. But - it was frickin' Christmas break so the dentist didn't open 'til last Monday. And that's when he discovered the swamp growth in one of my fangs, so I had to have that yanked out this morning. Fine, but now the surgery ain't happening 'til 21 February.
Other detail: When I scheduled the cutting it was with Nancy's remaining vacation days in mind. She has to use 'em before the end of January. All was gonna be perfect -- until this change.
So last night Nancy looked at me and said: "You know, honey, how many times I've grumped that we never take a "real" vacation that doesn't include racing. We use up all of my time at Bville. That's okay, but since we've got this time already blocked out - - - let's go see my brother and his wife in Melborne Beach."
Gentlemen, I tell you this tidbit of sooth and ask that you harken carefully: There are times when you should know to instantly fold your hand, smile, and go online to start shopping for tickets.
We fly out next Wednesday. :cheers: :cheers:
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Great....Now we have to switch to dentists...……..Or Floridians...….. :cheers:
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Jerry... I thought dentists were Fluoridians :roll: :cheers:
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Slim, take your shoes with you - you won't get as much for your sandals! :-o :-D :cheers:
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Hey Slim it sounds like you will be in good hands.... the best cardiologists are in the heartland :cheers:
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Know what you call a dentist that doesn`t like tea???? ...Denis...……….
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I need to take my pet deer to the dentist...He has buck teeth...
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I guess I don't understand the wall financing thing.... There was plenty of material available in Nov 2015... at that time 65 million democrats SH1T a Brick when they learned Trump was elected president :roll:
:cheers:
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Oh sure Bob....taunt the snowflakes... :cheers:
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Well since Jerry switched us to snow.... do ya know what do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids! :cheers:
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:-oBob….I thought for certain that you would say " Hey J.B....What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common??? Both had big hits with The Wall...………………...
-
Seeing that Robert has switched us to snow..... :evil:...How does Frosty get to work ??? By icicle
-
Returning to politics.... nope not me...
But you know when the snowflakes don't win they expect a trophy for precipitation.
-
And since I refuse to allow Bob to lure me in......here`s one for Pete. You know you live in Canada when your kid`s Halloween costume fits over a snow suit...………….. :cheers:
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:-oBob….I thought for certain that you would say " Hey J.B....What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common??? Both had big hits with The Wall...………………...
NOT funny at all.
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And since I refuse to allow Bob to lure me in......here`s one for Pete. You know you live in Canada when your kid`s Halloween costume fits over a snow suit...………….. :cheers:
Unfortunately Jerry that's not a joke, that's absolutely true most years! :-D :-D :-D
Pete
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O.K...Correction...…..Princess Dianna and Pink Floyd then...………….. :evil: :evil: :evil: :cheers:
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That's as funny as saying Kennedy died of a head ache. I'll just stop reading this shit.
-
Weather man predicts sub zero temps. and 4-6 inches of snow for today.....So Pete is having one last cook out before it gets cold...………...
-
If an orchestra plays in a thunderstorm...Who is most likely to be struck by lightning???..The conductor.... :cheers:
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I`m not saying the gal next door is fat....But when I said it was chilly outside? She grabbed a bowl and spoon....
-
Patti is standing in the yard, holding her purse open over her head.....Must have heard about the change in the weather...……………. :roll:
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It`s my pet turtle`s birthday....Think I`ll get him a shell phone :cheers:
-
...then he can send me shellfies…………...
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Jerry, are you sure your pet is a turtle... and not some other animal hiding behind some shell corporation
:cheers:
Yea I know I'm late.... now you will have to answer on the other thread....
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Sorry I`m so late...Power just came back on...Single digit temps w/ 30-40 M.P.H. winds and 3/4 inch of freezing rain for an added bonus..Or as we call it..."Michigan"..So in tribute to the weather, What is a King`s favorite type of precipitation???....Hail !!! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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Hmmm...I have no idea why this is not in the correct thread.... :? :? :? :cheers:any-hoo
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See above thread :cheers:
-
A Tortoise was walking home late onenight when was mugged by six Snails .
They got everything , cash credit cards phone .
He went to the police who said its serious come inside as we will need a statment .
They sat him down and said the first thing they would need was a description of the six Snails .
He said " I cant give you any , it all happened so fast "
-
. . . but if you follow these trails . . .
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Holy Cow !!! A turtle joke brought SB out of his shell :cheers:
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Why do fish live in salt water?/..Because pepper makes them sneeze...……….
-
Just in from Patti...….Any woman that thinks the way to a man`s heart is through his stomach needs to adjust her aim downward...……...
-
After electrifying us through the week with puns on another thread I am shocked you have any left in ya....
but since you started the day with holy cows....
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet..... Because they lactose :dhorse:
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Patti is on fire today...…………….Two women are talking and one says that her husband is an angel...The other says " You are so lucky..Mine is still alive..."
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That is why I do not drink milk Bob...I`m lack toes intolerant.....I know..Udderly terrible. :evil:
-
I was going to say the jokes are getting fowl - but I'm too chicken! :cry: Besides, messing with electricity can get you fried! :-o :-D :dhorse:
Seriously, Jer, your jokes are a-moo-zing! :cheers:
-
A friend applied for a personalized lic plate that says " BAA BAA"....She thinks it will look cool on her black Jeep...………..
-
Slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $4..In Aruba it`s $3.50 and only $2.75 in Aruba. Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean...………….. :cheers:
-
A bird broke in to my garage...I think he used a crow bar...……..
-
...I didn`t get a good look at him...He was in da skies...………..
-
...But it may have been a goose...It was speaking Portu-geese..... :cheers:
-
Sounds like a fly by night outfit to me.... Owl look into it for you
-
That`s you and I Bob...Birds of a feather...…………….I heard that a pelican went to a diner for lunch and walked out with a huge bill...……………...
-
It IS Fly-day...I know, That was hawkward……………….. :cheers:
-
Met a loon on a lark - claimed he had no egrets! :-P
What do you call a wild goose? Two inches off-center! :-o :-D :dhorse:
-
Woody.... :-o.....Patti had to fly to Atlanta for a meeting...Plane rolled onto the runway and stopped...About an hour passed and finally the plane took off. Patti asked the attendant what the delay was for and she said " The pilot heard a weird noise from one of the engines and was afraid to take off with it So we had to find a different pilot "
-
Not a joke.. BUT..We did have an airplane land on the road a couple miles west of us last night...Engine issue during flight instruction. Odd sight.
-
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Umm, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your green and purple parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE.......... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
"Ernesto, if you broke my new driver, you're in deep, deep trouble."
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Dang, J6 - you know how to work a joke! :cheers:
-
Sounds like this guy:
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
-
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4 leaf clover??? A rash of good luck...
-
I never celebrate St. Patrick`s Day...I am still a bit miffed over him driving my family out of Ireland...
-
Actually....The last time I did go out on St. Pat`s I ended up taking a bus home. Might not be a big deal to you...But I had never driven a bus before...... :cheers:
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I`ll bet ya` Bob is Dublin over in laughter right now...………..
-
I`ll bet ya` Bob is Dublin over in laughter right now...………..
Stout laughter.
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hello?..tap..tap...This thing on??? Paddy walks into a bar and starts slamming down martinis....After each one he picks out the olives and places them in a jar...After the jar is filled he gets up to leave and the guy next to him says " what`s the deal with the olives"? Paddy says " Oh those? Me wife sent me out for a jar of `em"...…(heard that one from my Irish pal that gets drunk and runs into walls...Rick O` Shay) :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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Paddy worked at the local Guinness brewery.
One day the foreman knocked on his door and informed his wife that Paddy had died on the job.
The wife asked, "How did he die and did he suffer?"
The foreman said he had drowned in one of the vats but he did not suffer because he got out three times to pee! :-o :-D :cheers:
-
What do you call an Irishman who stands out in the rain?
Paddy O'Furniture
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I think my boat is sick....It`s sitting at the doc(k)…...
-
I Googled " How to start a forest fire"...Got over 100,000 matches...…..
-
…...Patti had a patient yesterday that had 12 plastic horses in his stomach....His condition is listed as stable..... :cheers:
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The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.
"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, haha!' I hear that everywhere I go."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your life?"
The horse responds with, "Stable."
-
Then, right out of the gate the horse said " Pour me a beer...I can`t stay furlong"...………...
-
Hay! Jerry. Don't look so down in the mouth. Just because your pasture prime.
-
I think jerry is outstanding in his field. :-D
-
When do monkeys fall from the sky??? During Ape-ril showers...…………….
-
I am always tired on April 1......Must be from the 31 day March...……….
-
What's food should you eat while looking at a calendar..... Dates
-
The worst thing about a calendar is it shows you your days are numbered
-
I`m letting those go in one year and out the other Bob...……….
-
Yo Bob...Don`t you agree that Mondays are an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life ???
-
Know what I never buy??? Those abhorrent word of the day calendars...……………….
-
Honestly,? I never buy calendars...I think they are for the week...……………... :roll:
-
But calendars are popular with others......They seem to have 365 dates each year...……………..
-
But calendars are popular with others......They seem to have 365 dates each year...……………..
Yea but sometimes they leap into more...
and Jerry, I haven't had a Monday for 13 years... 4748 Saturdays in a row for me :cheers:
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AhHA!!
THAT explains why we haven't seen you in Church, S1!
And speaking of your days being numbered.......
-
If March winds and April showers bring forth May flowers, what do May flowers bring forth?
Pilgrims
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If March winds and April showers bring forth May flowers, what do May flowers bring forth?
Pilgrims
Plymouths.
Mike :cheers:
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Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they've just finished a long, 31 day March!
l
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Mike......…….
-
April Fool's Day is ALWAYS on Friday. :mrgreen:
Mike
-
Woo -Hoo...A reason for using this
-
Oh no...I found a few pages of them...………...
-
I could take the easy route and cut/paste a couple threads from the past few weeks...………. :cheers:
-
Or...…….I could ask what time Sean Connery arrived at Wimbledon...…………….Tennish :cheers:
-
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.... :cheers:
-
Hmmm...No takers on the math quiz eh?...….Which King invented fractions ??? Henry the Eighth
-
I won`t post my joke about the number 288....It`s 2 gross...………………. :dhorse:
-
Always practice safe eating...use condiments...………..
-
Was watching CBS this morning to get by daily dose of Trump bashing :-o when they broke in with real breaking news about an explosion at a cheese factory in France
de brie covered the entire area
-
No kidding??...I entered my pet wheel of cheese in a track and field event and he tripped on one of the curdles...……………...
-
...The event was is another state...We stayed at The Stilton...……..
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You started it Bob...…….. :evil:....What type of cheese is made backwards???...…..Edam... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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Now THAT was good Jerry (finally)
Reminds me of the old, "A ship sailed into the harbor. What was the Captain's name?"
-
^^^^………..Ummmm…...Riddle ???
-
^^^ Doc(k) ???
-
Wasn`t Captain Stabbin was it??? ( goggle him at your own risk ) :cheers:
-
What(?)
-
I went for a drive yesterday and as I rounded a corner a rabbit hopped into my path. Not wanting to ruin Easter by squishing the Easter bunny I swerved ...And missed him by a hare...………...
-
Know how to make Easter easier ???...………….. Replace the "T" with an " I "...…….
-
Easter is my favorite holiday...It commemorates the day when Jesus arose from the dead and turned all of the rabbits into chocolate :evil:
-
We used to raise cute little bunnies. 'Til one day one of them little critters hopped too close to a fan. Took ears off his life.
-
And in a vein attempt to keep up with FJ - what is the END of Easter?
R
(Caution - could be a pirate joke in here somewhere)
-
We had another little bunny, yes he was cute too, but about as dumb as the other bun - got his tail wacked off by a weed eater (he was hidin' in the tall grass).
Well, we looked and looked on the Internet to try and help the critter. Amazon, Craig's list, Ebay, and one day it occurred to us. Yep, you got it, we was shopping Wholesale. We had to go to a retail store.
-
Careful Jim, you're sneaking up on Jerry! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
Pete
-
P.J. This hard boiled humor was making me think eggzactly the same thing!
I'm about to turn into an Easter basket case.
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Been trying to smoke that green Easter Basket grass, kids? I should think it tastes pretty skanky...
-
And y’all should know, SSS. Sorta splains why your truck always smelt so funny.
On a related note, and and as a Public Service, I issue this reminder - The Easter Bunny is not a fold out!
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Ummm... sorry for that last hit, Triple S.
I didn't realize you were having a bad hare day.
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I asked my chemistry teacher if he knew any jokes about sodium.
He said Na.
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Today I shall by-pass stupid and go for tacky.....What do you call a blind S.S officer??? A Not See.
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What is a cow`s favorite holiday??? Moo morial day...…...
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What was the most popular dance in 1776?? The Independ-dance :cheers:
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Oh man what a relief!
I thot youse guys was dead.
I finally occurred to me that you work 51 Stupid Fridays/year and all y'all need some rest.
So you take Good Friday off.
Makes sense to me.
I've marked my calendar for next year.
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Did you hear about the chemist that was also a mortician? His favorite element was Barium.
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Hmmm...I took my grandmother to one of those day spas where the little fish eat your dead skin for $45.....Way cheaper than a funeral...…………………………………..
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I went to my Uncle Wendel`s funeral....My Aunt told me that he was fine until he started spreading lard on his back ...He went downhill fast after that...( You started it Slim) :cheers:
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Just heard that the guy that invented Auto-correct has passed.....Eye hope he wrests in piece...………..
-
My mother always said that I would never amount to anything due to my constant procrastination...I told her.." You just wait ….."
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I have a new pet spider......He spends a lot of time on the web...…………………….
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Why was the cookie crying??? His mom was a wafer so long...………………….
-
What do you call a very short mother??...Minimum... :cheers:
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Been saving up Jerry?
Bernie Sanders walks into a bar announcing "free drinks for everyone"
then looks over the crowd and adds "Who's buying"
:cheers:
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Been saving up Jerry?
Bernie Sanders walks into a bar announcing "free drinks for everyone"
then looks over the crowd and adds "Who's buying"
:cheers:
Now that there's funny [in a tragic sort of way]! :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
-
Speaking of B.S. (Bernie Saunders) I got a new pair of gloves today, from his "Gloves for all" program. And wouldn't you know it? They're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
-
And a burning question for Doctor Seldom:
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
-
The Official Bernie Sanders Drinking Game:
Every time the Bernster mentions a free government program, chug someone else's beer. :cheers:
Mike :mrgreen:
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geeeeez……..Good thing the safe room is fully stocked with cocoa and kittens. :cheers:
-
Ok instead of Bernie maybe we should taco about cinco de mayo
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No mayo - Miracle Whip. :-D
-
Was that the Spanish-American war?
No – that was sinko the Maine.
-
Was that the Spanish-American war?
No – that was sinko the Maine.
You should remember.... the Maine
-
Was that the Spanish-American war?
No – that was sinko the Maine.
Too soon man... Too soon
-
De Mayo
-
Eh-hem....
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FROM NOW ON I WILL BE POSTING ALL JOKES IN CAPITALS. TODAY I POSTED IN LANSING...…………..
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19 and 20 got into a fight....21 :cheers:
-
Patti had a patient come in who claimed he was invisible......She had her receptionist tell him she couldn`t see him that day...…………...
-
My Doctor said that running would add years to my life...….I tried running around the block and I do feel 10 years older...………………... :cheers:
-
geeeez….I`m all alone again ??? Give me ambiguity or something else.... :cheers:
-
My dad lost his job at the Highway Dept. for stealing stuff and bringing it home...Now that I think of it, All the signs were there...……………..
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Yea my brother got fired at the bakery for not loafing enough :cheers:
-
Getting fired wasn't a problem for him, he thought he was getting a job where he could make lots of bread... his pay never did rise.... when he didn't more money he felt burned, then he flew off the handle and went off half baked
-
Pretty crusty comments from an olde sourdough.
On a related subject - do you have a cousin named Stainmore?
-
Patti hit a tree with her new car....I now know where the name Mercedes Bends came from...……….
-
A tree won`t hurt you...But if it could , It wood...……….
-
Know what my neighbor has in common with a tree?? They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.....***Disclaimer*** My neighbor has a serious case of MILFiness
-
C`mon Bob...Tree puns...I`m rooting for you...………….
-
...It wood spruce up my day...……………... :cheers:
-
….And I don`t trust trees...They are sorta shady...…….
-
I'm just gonna leaf it to you Jerry... Maple you will find Gum in your Maidenhair, I know if you do you will Beech
-
Why did the raccoon sleep under a car??? So he`d wake up oily...………….
-
Tangentially: wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's chicken was deep-fried in olive oil? :cheers:
Mike
-
Mike...……………………………….Where the heck is that head shaking smilie??? :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
...BUT...The people of Norway and Denmark do not think Popeye is all that powerful...He is however strong to the Finnish
-
Popeye`s favorite Led Zepplin song??? Olive my Love.....
-
I got fired from my part time job at the bank...This little old lady asked me to check her balance, So I pushed her over...……………….
-
My Dentist deserves an award for the fine work he does...Maybe I`ll get him a little plaque...………..
-
In light of the system issues...………………..Never use "Beef" as a password..It`s not stroganoff...……….
-
….My pet monkeys share an Amazon account...They are Prime mates...……………...
-
….Told my doctor that I am addicted to Twitter...He said " Sorry, I don`t follow...."
-
Why is an I Phone charger not called Apple Juice ???
-
We`ll ,wel ,wlle...…………..Looks like the updates included auto correct...………..
-
Way back in high school I almost joined the debate team....But they talked me out of it...???????.
-
I'm feeling bad for Jerry, all alone, being the only funny one out of THE WHOLE LSR Community.
So I need to do my part.
Just in case you are wondering about your gender identity my lovely and talented co-driver has sent me this restroom door
pic from the Netherlands.
Rest easy
-
Oh heck Jim...Life is too short to be serious all the time...If you can`t laugh at yourself? give me a call and I`ll laugh at you...??. :cheers:
-
Life isn`t really short...It`s just that you are dead for so d^mn long.....
-
Fun stuff to do at the store:
Next time a stranger says something to you - say "Oh, thanks! You can see me!"
-
...Patti said she wanted to see " 50 Shades of Gray"...So I showed her a pic of her hair...???...
-
...I asked an adorable little waitress where she had been all of my life...She said" For the first 50 years of it, I wasn`t even here .." :|
-
Watched a guy dressed like Captain America do rap on the street corner....
Star Spangled Banter :cheers:
-
Bravo Bob....I was just about to start singing " All by my sel-el-elf......
-
What is the difference between a duck and Geo. Washington?? one has a bill on his face...the other has his face on a bill....
-
Bob knows which colonists were my favorites...????..The Punsylvanians?????..
-
I had an interview for a part time job at a sun screen factory...Didn`t get the job...I might reapply later.. :cheers:
-
Just received a patent on my latest invention....It`s a watch that doubles as a belt buckle...I call it The Waiste of Time...??????.. :cheers:
-
Saw this beer at Baere Brewing... one of the I didn't try.... not a sour guy
-
Sign on rest room in Sweden:
Who/Which/What are you????
-
True story:
There's a guy 'bout 60 +/- in my gym. He's from South Africa. Hates de darkies. Hates 'em. Interesting 'cause a black, ex-linebacker owns the gym we're in. Oh well.
Anyway, the dude comes up to me the other day, "Hey, Jim. Just got my U.S. citizenship! Cost me $11,000 and a couple years, but I got it!"
"Cool, Pal!". But then I couldn't help myself. So I says, "Still got your South African passport?" "Yep. Still got it."
"So you are a real African-American now, right?"
Still don't know why he didn't think that was funny.
-
Seen April 22, 2019, in the uni-sex rest room in the waiting room on the 11th floor (Chemotherapy) of the newly opened Phil Knight Cancer Research Building of the Oregon Health Science University on the South Waterfront, Portland, Oregon:
:cheers:
-
Maybe that sign is for seeing-eye dogs. :-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Neil, I could see that :cheers:
-
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state, during the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book, which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then, she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak; but finally, he found his voice and blurted out; 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often; but push the wrong button and WHAM, you?re disconnected.
-
I read something that led me to a conclusion... In the article the writer used burro and burrow to mean the same thing....
Yep, that guy didn't know his A$$ from a hole in the ground :cheers:
-
Somebody's nice niece in Nice.
(https://photos.travelblog.org/Photos/265424/887557/f/8518714-Sunbather-in-Nice-on-the-C-te-d-Azur-0.jpg)
:cheers:
Mike
-
Nifty :-P
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
You ya -hoos stay on topic.....Know what a bee does when it gets hot?? It takes off it`s yellow jacket
-
Apologies, Jerry. No matter how hard we try we can't be as stupid as you. 8-)
Mike :dhorse:
-
Good news, guys! Jerry checked himself into the Hokey Pokey Clinic and turned himself around. :cheers:
Mike
-
Know what bees do when they need a ride??? They wait at the Buzz stop...????...
-
Hey Mike......Did you see the post I made regarding my spine?..It was about a weak back.. :cheers:
-
Anyone want some dead batteries?..They are free of charge....
-
Bad news, Jerry, they're not making yard sticks any longer.
Mike
-
Why are some people with vision issues looking forward to next year?
It's the first time they will see 20 20.............
-
Guy walks into a laundry that is owned by cats...he walks over to the head cat and asks if it can get a milk stain out of a silk tie...Cat says " I`ll have that licked in a minute.."
-
...I think the cat next door ate a baby duck...He has a down in the mouth look to him... 1drink
-
Yo Mike...No problem with the yard sticks...I use a tape measure to see how long jobs take.... :cheers: :cheers:( It`s good being King)
-
Welcome back, Jerry. Been somewhere without internet access? muutt
-
Mike....Worse..Retired wife...
-
If a plant needs a friend...Does it cauliflower??
-
Told that one to the Irish Setter next door...He`s Dublin over right now... :cheers:
-
No jokes today?
-
Two muffins were sitting in the oven. One said to the other "It sure is hot in here." The other muffin replied "Yes it is, probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit."
-
Staying on topic cause I know how easily Jerry can go off:
Did you know that all the employees of Thomas's English Muffins are former embezzlers and child care workers?
They?re nothing but crooks and nannies
-
This kid goes to a costume party with a girl on his back...someone asks what his costume is supposed to be and the kid says " I`m a turtle"...The other guy asks about the girl and the kid replies " That`s Michelle " :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
??? According to Lennon & McCartney, Michelle was the phone company. 1drink
Mike
-
That's right 4B..."Michelle... Ma Bell, Sont les mots...."
-
What did the skeleton bring to the Halloween pot luck?? Spare ribs...... :cheers:
-
?..Which fruit do vampires prefer??..Neck-tarines?... :evil:
-
I just found this on Facebook and thought it was about LSR people 'til I scrolled all the way down.
-
I have no idea where the question marks came from...More web site wonkiness
-
Pervert wanted to go trick or treating but he just didn't feel right.
Went to the doctor and the doctor said he didn't feel well because he had a hollow weiner! :evil: ??? :evil:
-
Just a reminder...Do not catch snowflakes on your tongue until ALL of the birds have flown south for winter... :cheers:
-
..How does a penguin build it`s home??..Igloos it together.. :clap
-
Just a reminder...Do not catch snowflakes on your tongue until ALL of the birds have flown south for winter... :cheers:
Why would you want to catch snowflakes on your tongue.... :? Oh wait, I'll bet you are talking about the one's that fall from the sky.... not the 2 legged ones :naughty
-
Oh heck Bob...Tongue, type, facial expression. I can catch them in a multitude of ways.. :evil:
-
Took the bride shopping yesterday and she asked a salesperson if she could try on "That blue dress in the window"...They told her she had to use the dressing room instead....
-
...I heard a great jokes about clocks...But I don`t have the time to post it... :cheers:
-
But vee haf vays uff making you toc.
John
-
When Noah wanted to see the animals aboard the Ark at night..Did he use flood lighting ??
-
..I have a pair of twin octopuses..They are itenticle.. :clap
-
Been watching the house circus a little... I guess I have to call Bull Shiff...
Might need to switch all the lawyer jokes to congress jokes.... oh wait, they are lawyers... :deal
never mind :dhorse:
:cheers:
-
Been watching the house circus a little... I guess I have to call Bull Shiff...
Might need to switch all the lawyer jokes to congress jokes.... oh wait, they are lawyers... :deal
never mind :dhorse:
:cheers:
Those House politicians don't know Shiff from Shinola. :laugh:
-
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." Mark Twain
"Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can." Mark Twain
"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress." Mark Twain
:cheers:
Mike
-
I have begun a new holiday tradition. I carry a large stone and toss it at the first person I hear singing a Christmas song before December 1. ?I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.. :cheers:
-
Hmm..There is that fornicating ? messing up my... again. cromag
-
What do you call a raccoon with carrots stuck in both ears?? Whatever you want, He can`t hear you. :cheers:
-
Hey Jerry... I know some folks read some of this stuff and think you must be in your second childhood....
But we know better... never left the first.... let's consider it our own "me too" movement
:cheers:
-
Q. What do you call someone that is afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.
-
For the missing one, a Jerry-esque "joke": Where does a snowman keep his money? In a snowbank.
-
I'll lure Jerry in....
Know what an Ig is?
It's a ice house without a loo...
-
This guy goes into a rather sketchy strip club..After watching a somewhat portly dancer do her thing atop a table he tells her ." Those are some mighty fine legs "..she says " You think so"?.. He says " Sure do..they didn`t collapse under all that weight" :clap
-
How do you torture a carpenter??..Rip out his nails.. :cheers:
-
I went to a costume party ,the winner was the Invisible man..his wife wasn`t much to look at either.. :cheers:
-
Weatherman says we have a 50% chance of snow today...So I`ll just wear one boot.. :clap
-
Yo Bob..know how an Eskimo builds his house??..He sticks it together with Igloo.. :dhorse:
-
How do you torture a carpenter??..Rip out his nails.. :cheers:
I saw one take out his own toenails
-
Sure Bob..I`ll bet he charged by the foot.. :clap
-
I kissed a canary once and ended up getting Chirpies..Thank goodness that is a tweetable canarial disease.. :clap :clap :clap
-
...I hope Stainless got a kick out of that one...
-
Landed squarely on my funny bone... I shin the thought of it landing anywhere else....
:cheers:
-
My Grandfather tried to warn everyone about the Titanic...he waved his arms and yelled " Iceberg" and all that happened was he got tossed out of the theater...
-
...gramps lived to be 103 years old and never used glasses...Drank straight from the bottle..
-
I prefer paying full price rather than admitting I am a senior... :clap
-
O.K. , fine..I`ll do this all by myself. cromag How is a dog similar to a telephone?? They each have collar I.D...
-
..Which part of a fish weighs the most??..The scales :clap
-
I prefer paying full price rather than admitting I am a senior... :clap
sorry to be late to the party Jer.... I actually enjoy my status at the local Mexican restaurant.... they always say "welcome senior"
-
who do you call to clean an ocean??/...A mermaid...
-
And why is beach sand wet?? Because the sea weed..
-
Know how much a pirate pays for corn?? A buccaneer :cheers:
-
Which reminds me of the pirate that lost his playing cards..Turned out he was sitting on the deck.. :clap
-
Which word is spelled wrong in the dictionary?....Wrong. 1drink
-
I`ll wager that his decision to run for President was made on a Lark...( note to youngsters...That is a Studebaker Lark...They also had model named President)
-
'64 Lark? Probably the single-most important car to drive a nail in the coffin of the Kenosha Canoe, right?
-
For Pete's sake Slim... I think that's a 62... but he was the mayor of Studetown
:cheers:
-
Q. Why do skunks like to celebrate Valentine's day so much?
A. Because they are very scent-imental.
-
'64 Lark? Probably the single-most important car to drive a nail in the coffin of the Kenosha Canoe, right?
I am no Studebaker expert..I have only owned 17 of them..But that is a 1959_61
-
Know why pirates are pirates?..They just arrrrr :cheers: :cheers:
-
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes ??..Remorse code :cheers:
-
Hey guys...If you are taking Viagra, make sure the label says "Made in USA"
We do not want the Chinese or the Russians meddling in our erections.
-
What's hard to understand about that?
-
Patti and I just returned from a "once in a life time" vacation. We`ll never do that again...
-
also...Expand that pic of mayor Pete...The sticker in the lower corner of the windshield explains a lot... :cheers:
-
Not having children prevents me from posting dad jokes...That would be a faux pa.....
-
also...Expand that pic of mayor Pete...The sticker in the lower corner of the windshield explains a lot... :cheers:
Jerry... Jerry... Jerry.... you can't throw every dope into the same pot
-
Yo Bob...Patti and I are opening a combination Pot Store / Donut shop...Calling it Glazed and Confused...
-
What do you a gal that gambles too much ???..Betty..🤔
-
The owner of the ice cream shop near our house cannot pay his electric bill....Guess he will be having a liquidation sale..
-
What did socialists use before candles????..Electricity. :cheers:
-
I think all the socialists are feeling the Bern.... aktion086
-
Now Bob..Socialist jokes are only funny when everyone gets one😁
-
I know a socialist who took a test on economics and got good Marx... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
I admit I am bald and I carry a pocket comb. I can't part with it.
-
Gold and silver wall into a bar..Bartender yells "'eh you..get outta here" So gold left.
-
Pilgrims came here aboard the Mayflower..Barbers arrived via Clipper ships..
-
As long as we're doing jokes that demand a t least a smidgen of chemistry, here's one from WAYY back (like 6th grade, I think)
Billy's gone to Heaven
To live for ever more.
For what he thought was H20
Was H2SO4
-
speaking of jokes from the distant past try this (sung to the tune of "Bring Back My Bonnie To Me To Me"
My Bonnie leaned over the gas tank
The height of its contents to see.
I lighted a match to assist her,
Please bring back my Bonnie to me
-
My Bonnie has tuberculosis..My Bonnie has only one lung..My Bonnie can cough up raw oysters..And roll them around on her tongue.. :clap :clap
-
Gold and silver wall into a bar in the Copper Country ..Bartender yells "'eh you..get outta here" So gold left.
-
Au.................... arghhh
-
Slim.....You sure that was not in Leadville..?
-
Sure Neil...If that were about a pair of helium atoms you would have said " he-he"
-
Personally, I prefer holmium. :cheers:
Mike
-
Get back on tract Mike.. :cheers: :cheers:
-
Get back on tract Mike.. :cheers: :cheers:
Huh?
tract
[trakt]
NOUN
an area of indefinite extent, typically a large one.
ho-ho :cheers:
Mike
(hint: atomic number 67)
-
Sigh..holmium is used in treatment of the urinary TRACT.
-
Jaye Morgan, Arte Johnson, and Rex Reed simultaneously strike the gong. muutt
Mike
-
A triple gonging..This may be my proudest moment. :clap
-
Got mugged by six dwarves..Not Happy..
-
Correction..five dwarves..Sneezy is in quarantine :cheers: :cheers:
-
Flew back into LAX the other day.
This burly TSA guard who, let's just say, appeared to be a "little light in the loafers", insisted I have a full body cavity search!
Did NOT enjoy the experience.
On the bright side I did get a beautiful necklace.
-
Jim said: "On the bright side I did get a beautiful necklace."
By any chance was it a pearl necklace? lol8 lol8
-
What did Santa give Mrs. Claus for her b-day? A pearl necklace since she is a ho..ho ho
-
Of course, If Santa were a rabbit he would have given her 14 carrot earrings..
-
Jewelry store robbers are bad...but bakery thieves take the cake..
-
This woman drops her jewelry into the gorilla pit at the zoo...She lowers her 5 year old down to retrieve them. He did not get the gold, but he did get the silverback...
-
One more and I'll stop ( thank me later) What type of jewelry does a person with tinnitus wear ?? Earrings.. :clap :clap :clap cromag :clap
-
Which reminds me of the pirate standing in a pile of gold and gems halfway up his legs. Booty was only shin deep. :cheers:
-
Well, Slim he did have a VERY long beard.
-
My poor, sweet, innocent thread.. :? I tried shaving with a Bic once...Got ink everywhere.
-
My first job was bagging groceries at the local market..One day I saw a new machine being installed in the produce dept...It was a juice squeezer..I inquired as to the possibility of being allowed to operate the device and was told that baggers cannot be juicers... cromag :clap
-
...My second job was delivery van driver for a dry cleaner...Got fired after stopping at a convent and asking if the nuns had any dirty habits. :cheers:
-
Just looked outside and it is raining monkeys ! Must be Ape-ril showers....
-
I just received an e mail titled "knock-knock"..When I opened it, I found it was from a Jehovah's Witness working from home....
-
Easter bunny got his head caught in a fan...took ears off his life...
-
......he still went to college..At Johns Hop-kins....
-
I bought a Chinese bunny .....Going to use him in a batch of Hop Suey
-
That's JOHNS Hop-kins if you please...... :evil: :cheers: :cheers:
-
.....??... :roll:... :clap
-
How to make Easter easier...Replace the T with an I.... :cheers:
-
.....??... :roll:... :clap
The hospital and university founded/funded by the local Baltimore merchant, Johns Hopkins, is also semi affectionately known as "The John" particularly by the students thereof..... 8-) :clap
In case you were wondering.... :friday
-
Was his middle name loo? :-P
-
Almost ran over the Easter Bunny yesterday... missed it by a hare
I think this will be a Good Friday :cheers:
-
Was his middle name loo? :-P
Cheeky Woody...
-
Why are there fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school..
-
Saw a diner that only allows dolphins....If they only get one, They still serve a porpoise..
-
Of corona virus is not about beer..why do I hear of people with cases of it ?
-
......I have washed my hands so much that when I pee..I sanitize the toilet. :cheers:
-
I have another corona virus joke....But most of you won't get it...
-
....and those that do will make it go viral...
-
You're killing us out here Jerry.... of course better you than the alternative
-
Can you identify a dogwood tree by it's bark??..
-
.....nevermind.....It fits in my hand..must be a palm... :cheers:
-
...Sorry...I cannot resist acorn-y joke :clap
-
Yew don't have to be an such an ash hole about it, Jer! aktion086
...Sorry...I cannot resist acorn-y joke either! :clap
-
Woody....I just knew yew wood take that root... :clap
-
Are you sure you guys aren?t Oakies from Muskogee?
John
-
I glad to see y'all being so cherry this morning... the fruit of your labors makes me smile.... of course I think we all share a poplar view that our cups are half full.
Jerry's friend Mary Ann was thinking that way till one of her girl friends told her she needed a smaller bra...
-
Jer, acacia didn't notice you're the apple of my buckeye yew prickly-ash! :naughty
Olive-in through in this definition of Buckeye: hairless nut of little or no commercial value! :-P
So cedar!! :dhorse:
-
What a bunch of SAPS. :wink:
-
Wow Woody...Did you log on just for that and then leave?? ,I need to take a nap..for rest, before I spruce myself up.
-
Bob..MaryBeth... I shall try to sneak a pic of her sometime..she looks like Julieanne Hough with long curly hair...five feet - two ,90 pounds of do-able. :cheers:
-
I saved most of those since elemen-tree school.
-
And remember...My birthday is in Sept-timber
-
I'm going out on a limb to suggest we branch out to other subjects.
Hopefully that doesn't go against the grain with anyone.
-
These are des-pear-ate times - got me plum loco-weed - now where did I put that hemlock? :-P
-
I'm going out on a limb to suggest we branch out to other subjects.
Hopefully that doesn't go against the grain with anyone.
Reminds me of the old line "Get out of the wheat field, Grandma, you're going against the grain."
:-D
-
What do you get when you cross ammunition with leaf-less plants??? A cartridge in A bare tree.... :cheers: :clap :cheers: :clap :friday
-
Going back many years...
What's purple and almost conquered the world? Alexander The Grape.
-
Hey Neil.....Know why Mrs. Grape left her family??? She was tired of raisin kids...
-
The hangover...aka The Wrath of Grapes
-
Why did the grape stop half way when crossing the road? He ran out of juice.
-
Spending a lot of time locked down at home Jerry? Ask Patti nice and she might loosen your restraints for a while... maybe even let you go outside....
:cheers:
-
Bob......Did you mean let me back in??? :cheers:
-
Jer are you related to this guy?
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
-
Speaking of my birthday..I will turn 63 this year..That is 17 Celsius. :clap
-
Speaking of my birthday..I will turn 63 this year..That is 17 Celsius. :clap
And 441 in dog years. :cheers:
-
Speaking of my birthday..I will turn 63 this year..That is 17 Celsius. :clap
And 441 in dog years. :cheers:
And I shall still be doing laps..... :cheers:
-
Jerry... doing laps... If you are offering to do lap dancing... thanks... but no thanks... remember occasionally it is better to receive than give....
Just don't get caught :naughty :cheers:
-
Saw a flock of birds that looked like they were stuck together...May have been Vel-crows.. :cheers:
-
I have a buddy who is a police officer on the riot squad...He likes to arrive at protests early to beat the crowd... :clap :clap :clap
-
Saw a flock of birds that looked like they were stuck together...May have been Vel-crows.. :cheers:
Wow that must have been murder....
-
Bob.....Only one black bird pun allowed..never more. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
Jerry, I'm surprised you're not raven about those big crows... one didn't go Poe on your car did it?
-
If it did...Nevermore.
-
Ugh! A really poe series of puns. :cheers:
Mike
-
A wun is the lowest form of pit! :naughty
-
Thank you, Mr. Spooner. aktion086
Mike
-
,........... cromag........
-
Since today is Friday...With all.of the work being done developing self driving vehicles..I wonder how long until we get a country music song where a guy's truck leaves him too?
-
What Did E.T's mother say when he returned home? "Where on earth have you been"? :cheers:
-
Reminds me of the ball player who showed such poor sportsmanship that he stole third base and went home :clap
-
....I tried to Take a picture of the fog over the lake but mist my chance...Maybe dew it tomorrow... :cheers:
-
Saw an ad. for cemetery plots ...That is the last thing I need...
-
Puns..That is how eye roll.. :dhorse:
-
I think you fruits should try banana jokes... I find those a peeling :roll:
-
That fits - this is a slippery bunch! lol8
-
Banana jokes?? I have a bunch of them...
-
Hey Bob...Did you hear that farmers are not growing bananas any longer?? Guess they are long enough as they are. :clap :friday
-
I looked for more banana jokes at the market...my search was fruit aisle.
-
I read that people eat more bananas that monkeys....Makes sense to me..I don't remember having ever eaten a monkey... :dhorse:
-
While it's still Friday I thought I'd try to slip one more banana joke in while the thought was ripe, but then it split and all I could do was yell OH
Reminder to all the latecomers... this is a FRIDAY thread... don't upset Jerry by violating the rules.... you know how he can get..... cromag .... :deal ... :naughty
-
I read that people eat more bananas that monkeys....Makes sense to me..I don't remember having ever eaten a monkey... :dhorse:
Outside Clark AB, Philippines, ~1975: one of the mobile taco stands was supposedly selling tacos using monkey meat. True? Dunno, I was possibly drunk.
:dhorse: :clap :friday
-
In 1967 Olongapo just over the bridge from Subic not far from Clark street vendors were selling grilled "monkey meat on a stick". Saw a few cats running around but no dogs........... No might have been, I was but still passed...... :friday
Ed
-
cromag..what the....? I 'll be in the safe room until friday. :cheers:
-
The term "Monkey Meat" reminds me of the most depressing movie I ever saw- a 1952 Japanese movie "Fires On The Plain". A good movie but the most negative outlook ever.
-
The first thing one learned in po city was to count the number of legs on your chicken on a stick. Ubracer.
-
Sigh....Stupid....joke.....FRIDAY :x
-
....Friday....Check..... Which month cannot make a decision? MAYbe. :cheers:
-
Think I might open a gardening shop.....Rake in the cash :clap
-
...maybe a bakery too...Call it The Flour Garden....... :friday
-
If you get going on that your could call it The Mayflour and ship stuff to new places.... as John Wayne would finish... Pilgrim....
:cheers:
-
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the Hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her final operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years to live. Why didn't you pull me from the path of that ambulance?"
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
-
Grand idea Bob...I May knead to borrow some dough....Pay you back.after my first sail...... :cheers:
-
Always rocking the boat...I am so nauti, :naughty
-
Reminds of the guy who walked across France wearing sandals....His name was Philippe Phloppe :cheers:
-
This just in from Patti.....What do you call a South American receptionist who is always in a hurry?? Urgent Tina.... :clap
-
What do you call a dinosaur wearing high heels?? Myfeetaresaurus
-
Hey Jerry, Did you hear about the guy with a jurisprudence fetishist?
Yea, didn't think so.... he got off on a technicality.
-
WoW, Stainless. That one took some doing. Good effort. :cheers:
-
Did Rorschach ever paint anything other than chicks with big boobs? :cheers:
-
Didn't he jump off a bridge in Paris because everyone thought he was in Seine :naughty :cheers:
-
Which animal has more lives than a cat?? The frog..they croak every day :cheers:
-
Of a bear puts on shoes..does it still have bear feet? :clap
-
What do you call a scantily clad girl on a drummer's arm??? A tattoo :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
How do you get a bass player to turn down the volume on his amp?? Put sheet music in front of him ..😀
-
Decisions, Decisions, :? :? :?
-
I watch a guy paint pictures of bikes on a church ceiling...think he may have been Cycleangelo..
-
...same guy painted little floppy eared critters on his head...from a distance they look like hares...... :clap
-
Why did the banana to the hospital??? He didn't peel well...
-
How do you make a pirate angry?? Take away the P... :cheers:
-
Did I mention the new machine I found at a casino??? They call it the ATM....I played the same 4 numbers all day long and got money every time! :clap
-
On my first trip to Bonneville, I was at the laundromat getting change. A passer-by told me it was the best paying machine in town. I hate to admit how long it took to sink in.
XO-GC
#6302
-
No joke...I went to toss some clothes in a coin up drier at a marina on Lake Powell and found a warm $20.....sweet! :clap
-
I do have a joke about the mint being closed....but it makes no cents....
-
I have no idea why the girl at Starbucks got so mad when I knocked over that container of coins and bills..It said "tip jar"
-
If you guys message Slim and order some masks I'll stop....
-
....No I won't :clap ..I hate it when homeless people rattle their cups of coins at me...Just because they have more money than me they should not rub it in...
-
Guess who I ran in to at the eye doctor?...Everybody....... :cheers:
-
Hold on for the worst, dudes and dudettes. I've only sold face masks to about 8 of youse guys -- maybe 20 total masks. I thank you for that support -- but geez, I doubt that there'll be a Salt Talks shirt this year so I need to fund the website through other means -- and masks are a current need, so please --
Order some landracing.com face masks!!
[/size]
-
First things first......You cheap bastages cough up 8 bucks for a mask before I add another joke thread!!! cromag
-
I was digging a hole near the back of my property and found a wooden chest full of precious stones and gold coins. I headed up to the house to tell Patti and remembered why I was digging a hole in the first place.... :cheers:
-
.....jeeeez..just kidding. I like gardening....gives me a chance to get down and dirty with my hoes.... :clap :clap :clap
-
...and then with your hose... :cheers:
Mike
-
Hey Mike.....Patti tried to spray me with a hose....but she mist.....
-
.....she used a tangle free hose.....none of that kinky stuff for us.... :cheers:
-
I have a lady friend who only eats plants...Don't think I have mentioned herbivore...
-
What do you call two spiders who just got married? Newly webs..... :clap
-
Did they honeymoon in Iraq, Ned? :roll:
-
Far too easy Woody. No...they have Iraqnophobia :clap :clap :clap
-
He probably fell in love as soon as he spider.... :cheers:
-
...And he was an Irish spider.....Paddy long legs
-
....who got a job at a tech company ..he works in web development .Likes searching for bugs..... :dhorse:
-
...This just in..Paddy long legs was fired for stealing company secrets... He was a Spy-der :dhorse: :dhorse: :dhorse:
-
Know the difference between a horse and a storm??? One is reined up..the other rains down cromag
-
In the interest of conserving natural resources (i.e., two setups that use only one joke), I offer:
"Know the difference between a horse and a pillow fight???"
-
We got a dog that used to belong to the blacksmith. We knew the dog was well trained, but 10 minutes after we got him he made a bolt for the door.
-
Jon....I remember that dog! He wasn't fat, he was a little husky....
-
.....paws for effect.... :cheers:
-
....and Slim got the dog from a small town near him...Anville.... :dhorse:
-
I applied for a job running a lathe......I got turned down...... :friday
-
I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him faster....It just made him more sluggish...
-
When Stainless and I saw him go by, Stainless said look at that escargot aktion086
-
Jerry... at least he could still move under his own power... when my frog went lame he got toad
-
Bob.....just ribbet on a new set of legs..... 1drink
-
Dang Jerry, I took your advice but during the procedure he croaked... :cheers:
-
Then all his tadpoles threatened to sue.... but they didn't have a leg to stand on... :wink:
-
rhode island just outlawed having chickens in their state.
the reason; fowl language
-
?????? cromag
-
The mail man said the package I wanted to send was too heavy and needed more stamps.....I fail to understand how that will make it lighter....
-
.....And then MaryBeth walked in and starting yelling into an envelope. I guess she was sending a voicemail... :cheers:
-
....Then MaryBeth bought one stamp and asked if she had to put in on herself....The clerk said " No...you put it on the envelope"
-
We just got a new postmaster...She is from Thailand. Name is Mai Ling :friday
-
I heard Mary Beth wanted someone to take her to the Post Office.... ordered a guy from a male escort service
-
Mary Beth recently was arrested for stealing a calendar. She got twelve months.
-
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
-
I heard Mary Beth wanted someone to take her to the Post Office.... ordered a guy from a male escort service
Don't worry Jerry... I hear there was a happy ending to the story... :cheers:
-
I do need to post of pic of her so you rascals can enjoy that sight.
-
I gave my seat on a bus to a blind guy once....That is how I lost my bus driving job...
-
What brand/ model of car do Norwegian call girls drive???? Fjord Escort. :cheers: :clap :friday
-
I miss my bus driving job....Got paid to tell people where to get off...
-
Jerry, I heard Mary Beth was celebrating the discovery of electricity.... she was so thrilled she didn't have to watch TV by candlelight.
-
Just finished reading a book about the Stockholm syndrome.....It was bad at first,but I ended up liking it....
-
Some guy called and wanted to sell me a casket....I told him That was the last thing I needed....
-
.....A clown held the door for me today....What a nice jester... :cheers:
-
I almost bought a little gingerbread house... but I noticed it smelled more like cottage cheese 1drink
-
??? December 12 already??...Hey Bob..What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?? Cookie sheets :clap
-
Do you know when to take your gingerbread house to the doctor??.When it feels crumby... :cheers:
-
My grandmother died after eating too many gingerbread houses....It was a rare case of Munch Housing Syndrome.... :friday
-
Had lunch with a chess master....took him two hours to pass the salt....
-
Is it Seasons Greetings when salt says hello to pepper??
-
Good news, Bob! gingerbreadhouse.com (http://gingerbreadhouse.com) is for sale. The perfect place to share all your kitten pics. :friday
On the other had, bockscar.com (http://bockscar.com) is also available. :cheers:
Mike
-
Know how a gingerbread man treats an injured leg?? By icing it..... :dhorse:
-
Ghosts are bad liars...You can see right through them...
-
What do you call a short person who escaped from jail and can talk to ghost?
A small medium at large.
-
Jail jokes eh?...What do you call a prisoner with a snarky attitude walking down a flight of stairs??..A condescending con descending. :cheers:
-
My cousin that stutters was sentenced to six months in jail. That was two years ago...He still hasn't finished his sentence... :clap
-
I worked as a prison guard in Prague...Walked the cell blocks eight hours a day. Passed a lot of bad Czechs....
-
My uncle Bill went to prison for something he didn't do....He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the gun.... :friday
-
While I worked as a prison guard I also taught English to the prisoners....It had it's prose and cons....
-
You know the best thing about the books in a prison library?? They are always in con text
-
...... If we could agree on how to count all of the prisoners...We could have a con census :clap
-
Jerry, Jerry.... puhleeze, back down on the caffeine intake!
Okay - don't.
-
I don't have a problem with caffeine.. I have a problem without it....
-
Did you know that Americans spend more money per year on coffee than on education? How do we sleep at night?
-
I will stop with the coffee jokes....Don' t want to start a brew ha ha :cheers:
-
You started it Jim.... What do you call a coffee shop in Russia? Czarbucks..... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
Jerry, your jokes are like 5 cent espresso.
Cheap shots.
I'll probably have to install JAVA to understand them.
And remember sleep is no substitute for coffee.
BTW I was thinking of not responding to you until after my morning brew. But that would be procaffeinating.
-
I know what you mean Jim...There is a time and a place for decaf......never and in the trash... :clap
-
And with that....I am calling it a night...After I listen to my favorite Beatles song..Latte Be. :dhorse: :dhorse: :dhorse: cromag :cheers: :friday
-
Dang Jerry, you were on a roll with your coffee... and prison jokes... sin of men wasn't it
:cheers:
-
If a bear puts on shoes....Does it still have bear feet???
-
Reminds me of the lizard that could not keep a girlfriend because of his reptile dysfunction....
-
All the rioting, burning and looting gives a new meaning to Demo-crat :roll:
-
Not a good day for jokes.. Our country is in trouble. God, Please Bless America again.
-
.......Robert..... :cheers:
-
Favorite month of my pet tree?? Sep- timber..... :clap
-
My sequoia prefers august for the majestic dignity and grandeur. :cheers:
Better Jerry? :?
-
I could take it or leaf it Bob :clap
-
Thought we burned this bush before Jer?
Acacia didn't know it's a real Beech to be Poplar if Yew are a Prickly Ash! :naughty
Next thing ya know Slim will be talking about Farkleberry trees! :-P
-
Wow.....You went out on a limb for those Woody..... :cheers:
-
This guy buys a cemetery plot for his mother in law's birthday gift....The next year he doesn't t buy her anything...She asks why he didn't get her a gift and he says.."Because you still haven't used the last one".....disclaimer: My mother in law was a saint.
-
I've been working on Bockscar's suspension all week... made some shocking revelations...
don't want to put a damper on the fun, I know some get wrapped around the axle over this so I will spring back to my own thread :roll:
:cheers:
-
I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.
I've no idea what kind of fees she's charging him. :clap
Mike
-
Wife says I never buy her flowers! :x
I didn't even know she sold flowers! :?
-
Jeeez Bob....That one made me re- coil in horror. 1drink
-
........I'll leaf this alone before we get shackled to spring puns....
-
is everyone here a dad?
-
.....????...... cromag
-
is everyone here a dad?
With out DNA you can't prove nothin.... :dhorse:
-
Switching topics already??? ...What did one DNA say to the other?? "Do these genes make me look fat?" :dhorse:
-
A frog calls a psychic hot line and the advisor tells him he will meet a pretty girl that wants to know all about him. The frog asks where they will.meet and the advisor says.."In her biology class"..
-
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks.."Is this stool taken"?..
-
.......Doctor tells a lady she has six months to live and should marry an engineer asap....She wonders how that will help and the Doc tells her the six months will seem like an eternity..... :cheers:
-
can't remember till friday. so...
Don't mess with mother nature. Near Boston Mass. there were thousands of crows being killed on the highway. The dept of transportation did a study and found they were all being killed by truck traffic and not by cars. The dept of trans hired a scientist from MIT to investigate as to the reason. The results were as follows. Crows always have at least one bird in the flock posted as look outs to sound a danger warning. When the look out spots danger it will sound the CAW CAW CAW warning to the flock of crows. While all of the crows could cry out CAW none were able to say TRUCK. :clap
-
.....????? cromag...Wal-Mart has Prevagen on sale... :cheers:
-
Answer to camel....
-
A crow flies up to a woman on the street.
Crow: Miss, would you donate to my charity?
Woman: Why should I?
Crow: CAW CAW CAW CAW
Woman: What does that even mean?
Crow: Its four good caws.
Sorry, this one is for the birds. (RIP Alfred). :dhorse:
-
Who hoo!
-
Hey Mike....Way back when I actually worked...My company display for car shows had a stuffed crow holding a sign in his beak that read "Low prices..Never more"... Went over most heads. :cheers:
-
Know why you never see a dead crow on the road?? Because his pals sit in the trees and yell" Carr.Carr..Carr"
-
...If a group of crows eat a box of corn flakes...Is that cereal murder?
-
Did you know the long tail feathers on a bird are called pinions? A crow has 7 and a raven has 8..So the difference between a crow and a raven is a matter of a pinion..
-
Wait a sec. ..A group of crows is a murder?? Is that why rap lyrics are for the birds???
-
I haven't even had my caw-fee yet..... :dhorse:
-
In honor of Patti's new car.....Did you know Teslas do not have a new car smell? It is more of an Elon Musk....
-
Car jokes, huh?
Okay.
Lorena Bobbitt is driving her convertible down the street with her, ummm.... "prize" on the seat next to her.
She thinks for a moment, and, deciding she doesn't want any incriminating evidence, lofts it into the air.
Bam! It hits the windshield of the car behind her.
Guy driving slams on his brakes. "Jesus, Harry," he yells at his passenger. "Did you see the size of the dick on that bug?!"
-
I don't writes 'em - I jus' copies & pastes 'em! lol8
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye - doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky - maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber - band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one
carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
-
Aarrggghhhh......................
-
Just heard that Volkswagen is building a new factory in Texas to produce their new model...The Audi Partner....... :clap
-
Woody....#22 reminds of the two fish sitting in a tank when one asks "You know how to drive this thing"?? :cheers:
-
Jer, number 9 reminded me of when I was in the Army.
There was a nudist camp a few miles from the base.
Got any idea where all our mandatory, monthly, aerial observation training took place? :?
-
Hey Woody....Patti will not go to the nude beach with me..She is so clothes minded..
-
If a dairy cow doesn?t produce, is it a milk dud or an udder failure? aktion086
Mike
-
My dentist won an award...It's a really nice plaque....
-
The pirate next door got his first online report card....He got 7 C's....
-
All of the ships in Sweden's navy have a bar code painted on the hull...When returning to port it's easy to Scandinavian..... :cheers:
-
I like bad puns.. It's how eye roll,......
-
Hey Jerry I just found a beer called Liquid Brain... the brewer guarantees if you drink one by yourself it will make you the smartest person in the room :naughty
:cheers:
-
Seems like a perfect hopportunity for you Bob.... :friday
-
There is a Brains beer in Wales.
-
According to my spousal -unit, the difference between a pig and a man is that when a pig drinks beer it does not turn into a man. :roll:
-
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
1...... or 2?
1.......or 2?
3.......or 4?
-
Apologies to Johnny Cash...
-
Happy in his work...
-
cromag.....NEIL!!..you know better.... :cheers:
-
I know from experience that it's sometimes difficult for us old retired guys to keep track of what day we're working with!!! muutt muutt muutt :-D
Pete
-
I'm slow so I thought I'd get an early start...
-
Neil, until you outed yourself I assumed you were in Australia. :cheers:
-
I emailed Neil's jokes to a friend in Japan at 8:55am, his time. :cheers:
Mike
-
Question for Doc G and the Midget.... if a Stratocaster and a Telecaster run into each other is it serious or just a Fender bender....
-
Just stringing us along are you. :roll:
-
Since Neil got us started early....20 years ago,We had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs...Now I have no cash, no hope and no job. I pray that Kevin Bacon is doing alright.😃
-
Just stringing us along are you. :roll:
I fret that he is.....
-
.....Should have saved that for open Mic. night at the Whammy Bar.... :dhorse:
-
Seems like you are getting all amped up to me. :-D
-
I'm gonna stick my neck out and say all you guys.... Les Paul of course would let this play on until the electricity failed... but don't get wound to tight, I'll jump in my pickup and head for the bridge... y'all stay in the saddle
-
Ringo ,George and John walk into a bar....They were less Paul
-
I'll stop now...before I get band......
-
....perhaps not band....just in treble..... 1drink
-
And for you guitarists that are land speed racers....Free aero advise for you. Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :clap :friday :naughty
-
For the record, I am not a guitarist... but I play one on my stereo :cheers:
-
What do you get when you cross breed a racing dog with a bumble bee??..A Greyhound Buzz.....
-
.....looks like Bob decided not to pick on guitar players any more......
-
.....Which is good. I remember how angry a guitar player friend of mine got when I de-tuned one of his strings......and wouldn't tell him which one it was... :friday
-
That must have caused a bit of a riff between ya... aktion086
-
I may be a NUT for sticking my NECK out on this but we need to let this be water under the BRIDGE and SADDLE up and move along. :-D
-
Looks like we struck a bad chord here..... :dhorse:
-
Forgive me for this one.......A guitar teacher was arrested during class......He fingered A minor...... :clap :clap :clap
-
A lumberjack enters the enchanted forest .....He walks up to a tree and starts to swing his axe when the tree shouts "Stop!..I am a talking tree"! ..To which he replies.." And you will dialogue" :cheers:
-
Reminds me of the ghost that went to rehab.....He was addicted to boos....
-
Know why bees remain in the hive all winter long???.....Swarm. :clap
-
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas....
-
If you challenge death to a pillow fight...Prepare for the reaper cushions...
-
Head Scratchers - ever wonder who thinks these up? {It might be Jer! :evil:}
1. If poison passes its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent" - the S or the C?
3. Do twins ever realize that at least one of them is unplanned?
4. Why is the letter "W" in English called "double U"? Shouldn't it be called "double V"?
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
7. The word "SWIMS" (printed) upside-down is still "SWIMS".
8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
Four great confusions still unresolved:
1. At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?
2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
3. Why is there a 'd' in "fridge" but not in "refrigerator"?
4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?
Vagaries of the English Language!
* Ever wonder why the word "funeral" starts with 'fun'?
* Why isn't a Fireman called a 'Water-man'?
* How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?
* If money doesn't grow on trees, how come banks have 'BRANCHES'?
* If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
* How do you get off a 'NON-STOP' flight?
* Why are goods sent by ship called 'CARGO' and those sent by truck, 'SHIPMENT'?
* Why do we put cups in the 'DISHWASHER' and dishes in the 'CUPBOARD'?
* Why do doctors 'PRACTICE' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?
* Why is it called 'RUSH HOUR' when traffic moves at its slowest then?
* How come noses RUN and feet SMELL?
* Why do they call it a TV 'SET' when there is only one?
* What are you vacating when you go on a 'VACATION'?
And last but not least...
Did you know that if you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When," you get the answer to each of them?
-
My wife and I had the cutest little daughter. Looked like my mom so we named our little one after her.
It's been a wonderful few years, and we're just so excited that, next week Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five
-
I would never comment on another person's name. Nor would my sisters Tarry and Mary.
-
I would never comment on another person's name. Nor would my sisters Tarry and Mary.
Thank you Jerry Berry... (for the new members)
:cheers:
Yea my buddy Richard Head prefers his formal first name as does another friend Herold Butts.... but I always call them Dick and Harry
-
Bob..I went to high school with Sandy Beach...And worked with Mark Clark.
-
In the Army they called role by last name, first name. My bud Dick Hammer was always embarrassed! :oops:
One base I was at had a WAC named Mary Christmas - rumor was she could make your New Year Happy! :cheers:
-
SJF has gone off the rails.....I also worked with Ron Moore..Of course we called him "Moore, Ron"... And my sister Mary was born on Christmas eve. How my mother resisted naming her " Merry Christmas" is a family mystery.
-
I remember how shocked I was after seeing a ship wreck....Took awhile for it to sink in :cheers:
-
I told a carpet installer not to cover the lower level steps and he gave me a blank stair.....
-
Speaking of stairs I remember my favorite Tom Swifty.
"Bring the prisoner down the stairs," said Tom, condescendingly.
-
That took puns to another level......
-
Man, Jerry, you are fast.
Now, if you could just get that car running the same....
-
Jim...George carpet bombed my dream...I am looking a little further down the alphabet..Maybe blown fuel rear engine roadster
-
Yeah, I and my co-driver got two of George's records. Getting his current one will be a heck of a lot tougher.
(Said Tom Swiftly.)
-
Back on topic....How does a monkey go down the stairs? He slides down the banana-ster
-
....Poor Marybeth....I told her to count the stairs on an escalator.... :cheers:
-
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women (I'm sorry..... but our PC society demands I change this to: "women of size.") talking at the bar. They all spoke with a heavy brogue accent.
I made an unfortunate assumption that their accents appeared to be Scottish.... so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales.... you bloody idiot!"
So I immediately apologized.... and replied, "I am so sorry! Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
-
Woody....Those gals were too sensitive...They need to lighten up....... :evil:
-
I went to a psychic that was so heavy....She was a four chin teller :cheers:
-
I have no jokes for Christmas...I am a rebel without a Claus..
-
..Wait..I have myrrh.... :cheers:
-
Well Jer use your Frank and sense to just come up with something :naughty
-
Yule come up with something.
-
Happy New Year's Eve.
Tom G.
-
Since it is FRIDAY now......I will remove my glasses and look back on the prior year...After all, hindsight is 2020.....
-
.....If you need me, I'll be in the punch line :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
Hmmm...looks like Skandia is one hour and 30 years behind G.R..... :clap
-
Happy New Year's Eve.
Tom G.
add milk of magnesia and you have a Phillips screwdriver
-
750 ml of OJ and 250 ml of vodka for a metric one.... :clap
-
And if Phillips were alive today I would personally Torx his neck! :evil:
-
Some 2021 inspirations:
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 70 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
-
Jokes via email are making a comeback:
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
-
And if Phillips were alive today I would personally Torx his neck! :evil:
You will have to spline that one to me Woody.....
-
Two screwdrivers go into a bar....
They both get drunk :dhorse: :cheers:
Happy new year....
-
And if Phillips were alive today I would personally Torx his neck! :evil:
You will have to spline that one to me Woody.....
It would be too convoluted Jer! :-P
-
....I didn't see that twist coming....
-
....I didn't see that twist coming....
Was it because you've gained weight? Maybe you need to step on your Chubby Checker and find out :? :evil:
-
Robert.....I am starting to think you misunderstood when the plumber told you to be sure the joints had plenty of dope ...... 1drink
-
Why did the mortician cross the road???...To get to the other suicide....
-
Which reminds me of the necrophiliac mortician...He loved coming into work..... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
I might take a lessons to become a locksmith....That would open some doors.
-
Sounds like a turn key class to me, Jer!
-
Woody...Given my prior posts, I thought you would go for the dead bolt.....
-
Which reminds me of the necrophiliac mortician...He loved coming into work..... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
[/quote
Necrophilia is a dying art :roll:
-
Woody...Given my prior posts, I thought you would go for the dead bolt.....
I should have latched on to that! :oops:
One door opens and another one closes! :roll:
I'm feeling kinda slammed now! :-(
-
Robert.....I am starting to think you misunderstood when the plumber told you to be sure the joints had plenty of dope ...... 1drink
Jer... you know I don't roll joints... here in Kansas we tumbleweed.... :friday
-
I was gonna chime in with a Necrophilia joke, but I think that subject is about fu*king dead... :?
1drink
-
Hey Bob...The milf next door got arrested for growing marijuana....Guess my property line is not where I thought it was.... :clap
-
Don't listen to Jerry. He lives in Michigan and growing at home isn't very illegal anymore. Get with the times, young feller!!
-
Yeah.....And pot is mentioned in the bible too.."If a man lays with another man he must be stoned"
-
And God is a MOPAR man as well...." The people of Sodom so angered God that he drove them out in his Fury"... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
And if Cyndi gets my plants back? I"ll ask for joint custody
-
And if she doesn't just plant more... the stuff grows like weed :cheers:
-
Many years ago I shared a duplex with a retired British army soldier.....I rented the right half, he was he left tenant.....
-
Many years ago I shared a duplex with a retired British army soldier.....I rented the right half, he was he left tenant.....
Who was the loo tenant?
-
(https://i.imgur.com/dzp0X1t.jpg)
:cheers: Mike
-
Hey Jerry I need someone to talk about bicycle wheels... do you know a good spokesman
-
I was going to try to do one of those West Yorkshire, England jokes but I could find any Leeds.
:cheers:
-
Two 99 year olds are out for their weekly round of golf..Afterward they stop at Hooters for a beer. One old geezer asks the other which one of the waitresses he would like to be stuck in an elevator with. The other old fossil says.."The one can fix an elevator....I'm old, tired and pee alot" :cheers:
-
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.
They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I've done the math. Seems I died in 1537.
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I've missed my exit.
1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
2. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
3. I didn?t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
4. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the ?John? and renamed it the ?Jim?. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
5. Old age is coming at a really bad time.
6. When I was a child I thought ?Nap Time? was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
7. The biggest lie I tell myself is ?I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
8. I don?t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I?m just very wise.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would?ve put them on my knees
10. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven?t met yet.
11. Why do I have to press one for English when you?re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
12. Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
13. At my age ?Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
14. Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 75 years later. I don?t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don?t have a curfew. I have a driver?s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don?t have acne. Life is great.
15. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can?t remember their names. Now, I?m wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
-
Woody....Do you ever forget the abbreviation for Maine or is it just Me.????
-
No need to buy shoes for your pet bear...He will still have bear feet....
-
....Know which animal has more lives than a cat??..The frog..they croak every night. :cheers:
-
Hey Jerry, true story
I went into an industrial area while working at Boeing... the supervisor stopped me, looked at my tennis shoes and said steel toed shoes were required in the area...
My reply... they are.... 5 in each one :naughty
-
Jerry, looking at a couple of your replies on other threads this week leads me to believe you don't know the difference between meat and fish...
Ya don't beat your fish :cheers:
-
Hey Robert...I changed the pulley..excuse me...sheave..on my drill press and needed a longer belt...off to AutoZone ...tell the kid behind the counter that I need a belt in this width only one inch longer. He started the " make,year,model,engine speech and I told him it is a 1939 Atlas model 27 drill press...He says "How long do you need it"? and I told him " For a long time..It's going in my drill press" :clap :clap :clap
-
And I hope you are fin-ished with picking on me....
-
And I hope you are fin-ished with picking on me....
Well you do seem to be a coaster today.... Charlie Brown
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Jerry, looking at a couple of your replies on other threads this week leads me to believe you don't know the difference between meat and fish...
Ya don't beat your fish :cheers:
If you beat your fish, it will die aktion086
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Does that mean it won't turn into a holy mackerel? lol8
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***Patti's first contribution*** Why are there snowmen, but no snow women?? Because only a man is stupid enough to stand in the snow without a coat on.
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I accidentally clicked on the first page of this thread - what a joke! lol8
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Why did the streamliner driver have both gloves on one hand?? Because the weatherman said "Hot today..but on the other hand it might be cold..."
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No one ever believes when I tell them my incredibly detailed tattoo was done in Spain...They never expect the Spanish ink precision... :friday
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What is the difference between a women's track team and a bunch of Ituri Pygmies?
The Pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
Please remove if that was going too far.....
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INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF
THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a s**t load of people in Washington, DC playing with marbles. (Or frozen peas?)
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Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
OFFICER: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Around 40. We don't do birthdays.
OFFICER: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went on my motorcycle.
OFFICER : What kind of motorcycle was it?
Husband : A 2018 Harley Davidson Road King, Twisted Cherry with 14" apes, stage 2 kit, Vance and Hines fishtail pipes, Klock Werks windshield, JP Cycles foot boards, highway pegs and crash bars...At this point the husband started choking up.
OFFICER: Take it easy sir, we'll find your motorcycle.
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Stopped at a traffic light and two guys wearing matching shirts and scarves ,carrying big knives and each having one gold tooth and home made tattoos stole all.my stuff. They were Pirates of the Car I Be In
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....either that or bikers....hard to tell them apart :cheers:
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This guy is sitting with his wife who has just given birth when he Doctor walks in.....guy asks how long before they can have sex.....Dr. says " My shift ends in 5 minutes, meet me in the parking lot..." :clap :clap :clap
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Will glass coffins become popular? Remains to be seen!
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain
If I rub ketchup in my eyes 20 times on the 20th will I have 20/20 Heinzsight?
Dear algebra, 'Stop asking us to find your X!' 'She's never coming back and don't ask us Y!'
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Just read about a 10 million dollar government study about the effects of alcohol on a person?s walk, and the results were staggering.
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Stainless, I think you need to do Full Disclosure about your participation in the aforementioned "study".
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Stainless, I think you need to do Full Disclosure about your participation in the aforementioned "study".
The story I heard was Stainless bailed on the study when he found out it involved IPAs. :cheers:
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I read about the danger of drinking and it made me stop reading....( in reality..I have not had a drink in 14 years...can you imagine my personality with alcohol added?)
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I read about the danger of drinking and it made me stop reading....( in reality..I have not had a drink in 14 years...can you imagine my personality with alcohol added?)
Tolerable.... ? :roll:
Jerry, I lost the audio book you lent me.... I hesitated to tell you because I know I'll never hear the end of it
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Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
If you can't think of a word say 'I forgot the English word for it.' That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity' As in: 'That's a load of 2020.' or 'What in the 2020.' or 'abso-2020-lutely.'
My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It's weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter. [Actually I do - but the life thing is what it is! muutt]
It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Never sing in the shower!
Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.
So remember...Don?t sing!
If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
The ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don't even like.
I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.
You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
This should get me caught up on any missed Friday's last year! lol8 :clap :cheers:
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Well I finally got through my addiction to ice cream, chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts...
I won?t lie, it was a rocky road. :cheers:
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When I was young..women would chase after me all the time....I've quit stealing purses...... :cheers:
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards...creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is... :clap :clap :clap
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WoW! A palindromic sentence. Good work, Jerry!! :clap :cheers:
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Test
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The elusive "muffler bearings"!
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Hot damn, a muffler bearing to go with the turboencabulator!!! :cheers: :cheers:
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Well you guys are a little off track for this thread today....
No I'm not going for a train joke.. that would be off the rails on this crazy train... ozzy
My kid asked if we were pyromaniacs?
I had to admit... Yes, we arson
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Hey Bob...My anger management counselor said I should write letters to everyone I hate and set them on fire....He didn't say what I should do with this stack of letters....
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A palindromic sentence.
You sure it isn't cimordnilap?
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Hey Jerry, ask your counselor about Anger Expression therapy... you express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.
Its all the rage. :cheers:
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Did the Vikings tell their children Norsery rhymes?
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Patti glanced in my direction and said "What rhymes with orange"... I replied " No it doesn't"...... 1drink
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Did those Vikings speak in Norse Code?
-
Did those Vikings speak in Norse Code?
_.__ . ...
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Reminds me of the Viking who came home from a voyage and found his name had been removed from the town register.....His wife questioned the mayor about it and he said...."I must have taken Leif off my census"
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Why did Leif buy an old boat???...He couldn't A fjord a new one.. :dhorse:
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I heard Eric red him the riot act! :-P
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Patti glanced in my direction and said "What rhymes with orange"... I replied " No it doesn't"...... 1drink
The four engineers
wore orange brassieres.
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Is this fuel allowed? :?
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Finally, a real cause to support! :cheers:
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Patti is too clothes minded...
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Searched online for a way to start a fire.....Kept getting "no matches found".....
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Doug Jones lived all his life in the Florida Keys; he is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak.
?My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.?
?My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.?
?My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.?
?Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside of Backwater Sound.?
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings; and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, ?Mrs. Jones, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.?
The wife replies, ?The a**hole had a paper route.?
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O.K. Woody......My paper boy didn't deliver mine so I went next door and grabbed the neighbors......In hind sight kidnapping was an excessive response....
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Hey Jerry, I read when you were a paperboy you masturbated on the job....
It was all over the news.... :naughty :cheers:
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Bob..Only on Palm Sunday..... :clap
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Bob, that should still be a secret - Jer says he only used the classifieds! :evil:
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Where does a farmer go to buy medicine?..To a farm-acist
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All the anti-wheat internet folks are telling me to stop growing it.... But we are sticking with it... I guess I'm a gluten for pun-ishment
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Get out of the wheat field, Mary Beth You're going against the grain!
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When I plant wheat I get a headache....Must be my grains...
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When I plant wheat I get a headache....Must be my grains...
It's a tough dirty job Jer.... your acres and plains are noted
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Kitty Hawk, 1903, Wilbur says to Orville, "You sure this thing will cut wheat?" lol8 :cheers:
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Little Johnny asked his Dad..." Dad, are we pyromaniacs?... Dad replied, Why "yes we arson".
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I rem..ember..having that same conversation...
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Went for a walk around Reeds Lake yesterday...Saw a pair of hoodlums wrestling an old lady over her purse. Of course I ran over to help....We had that old bat' s purse in no time flat. :clap
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Studies show that most women turn into good drivers. So if you are a good driver, Watch out for women turning.....
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What do you call a pig with laryngitis,,,,
Disgruntled
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That is awful JD....The poor thing would have to give up his role in Hamlet....
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...Maybe he could open Pawn shop???...Ham Hocks.... :cheers:
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...I'll quit before Slim yells at me for hogging band width...
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Jer, are you yelling oinkel? lol8
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Don't worry Woody.....We can still be pen pals...... :friday
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Writing my name in cursive is my "signature" move. :roll:
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Since today is Friday 1drink..I had planned to post one about the two farmers that liked bad jokes....But it is two corny....
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What did Lawrence Welk name his twin daughters?? Anna one/ Anna two...
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Maybe we should do cow Jokes today Jerry... they are udderly stupid... unless you think that idea is whey outside the fence... Don't check with Pattie, she may be named after... those....
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose :cheers:
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Tough wait for the first Friday after the 20th to Spring that one Stainless? :cheers:
Ed
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Patti thought that was rather moo-ving Bob.....
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....She would have replied herself...But it is pasture bedtime...
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....And her sense of humor is legend dairy...
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...Deja Moo is the feeling that you've heard this bull before :friday
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..Deja Moo.....The feeling you have herd this bull before...
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...Deja Moo is the feeling that you've heard this bull before :friday
Looks like we are using the same site... :clap
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How did the farmer find his lost cow?..He tractor down
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This group of Trappist Monks are standing on the lawn of the Playboy mansion selling flowers... Several staff members tell them to go away , but the Monks refuse. Mr.Hefner storms out the door and insists they leave, which they do. After all...Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.... :cheers:
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30 years ago today..I met the most beautiful, charming, pleasant, witty and kind woman I have ever known. I asked her out on a date and within one month asked her to be my wife. She said "No" both times. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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Stolen from internet
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Thanks Bob.....I kneaded that.....
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...in fact, If you were a woman? I would send you flours....It' s the yeast I could do...
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...That is what I like about bread puns....They never get stale :cheers:
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....Sorry.....Those got a rise out of me and I got on a roll...
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...and you are a gluten for punishment :clap :clap :dhorse:
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Stainless i always knew you were well bread :cheers:
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Yeah Bob...You have us..but you deserve butter.... :friday
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My joining this site must have been bovine intervention... :dhorse:
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Spring is here....I can work in my garden!..I am so excited that I just wet my plants!...
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The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract or pass Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out... :cheers:
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Hey Jerry, maybe we should just do end of the world jokes... come on folks, lets do jokes like there's no tomorrow.
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Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?
Swarm
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Just so every one's clear.... I'm going to put on my glasses....
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Shame we let up on bread....JD is on a roll...
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Yo Bob...Some guy just drove by on a tractor and he was yelling "The end of the world is coming".... I think it was Farmer Geddon...
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My winter fat is gone...Now I have spring rolls..
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John Travolta tested negative for Covid-19 last Monday....
Turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever. aktion086
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That is good news Bob.....I heard he had chills that were multiplying....Glad to hear he will be Staying Alive.....
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.....Walked by the refrigerator and thought I heard an onion speaking to me....It was just a chive talking...
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Did you know the Bee Gees were Asian chefs?..You could tell.by the way they used their woks..... :dhorse:.
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Patti looked over my shoulder and said..." Stop posting jokes...You Should Be Dancing" :cheers:
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End of the world joke: Short LSR version!
Once upon a time, there was a snake named Nate who lived in the desert guarding a lever which, if pulled, would split the earth in two.
Then one hot summer day, a man was speeding down the highway in his car when Nate happened to be sunning himself on the usually deserted road just a few feet away from the lever.
The speeding man saw Nate and the lever at nearly the same time.
Unable to swerve out of the way entirely, the driver had to make a decision as to which he would run over ? Nate the snake or the lever that would cut the world in two.
Well, I?m sorry to say, Nate is no longer with us.
But, if you?re sad, just remember what that driver thought to himself at the last moment ? ?Better Nate than lever!?
Much longer version: http://www.longestjokeintheworld.com/
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Somewhere in the distance, one can hear the Reverend Mister Spooner applauding. :cheers:
Mike
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I heard the Spoonerism Banquet was cancelled because the caterer forgot to bring the food....It was a lack of pies......
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Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Storm Troopers giggle aktion086
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Two icebergs are floating around near Antarctica and one proclaims he is tired of the cold and his heading to a warmer climate. About two weeks later,he returns. His iceberg buddy comments on his weight loss and says..."You look great..Was your vacation all you thawed it would be"? :cheers:
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This thing on..??....Apple has a new cell phone just for children...IKid you not.
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Hey Jerry, those Apple folkers will cell you anything you want... :roll:
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I still don't understand they sell those computer-looking things named after a winter jacket. :dhorse:
Mike
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..... Icemobile???
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I still don't understand they sell those computer-looking things named after a winter jacket. :dhorse:
Mike
More like a Scottish raincoat... but we know they aren't waterproof... it's like looking through windows but not seeing the same stuff...
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I had to buy glasses for my phone....It lost all it's contacts. ***full disclosure*** My phone has zero contacts / is five years old/ has been used...maybe three times.
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Never buy flowers for a monk.... Only you can prevent florist friars
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Patti insisted I stop acting like a flamingo...So I put my foot down....
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I asked Jer for a construction joke but he said he was still working on it! :-P
I asked him what was taking so long and he said he had an eye problem!
Just couldn't see himself working on it! :?
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Woody....I have a rectal/ocular obstruction...I can't see my a$$ doing it...
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Jer where is your head? :?
No not that one! :evil:
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One for the snowflakes amongst us......What are a donkey's pronouns??? He/haw :clap :clap :clap
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"Woody....I have a rectal/ocular obstruction...I can't see my a$$ doing it..."
It also gives you a Subaru outlook on life.
Will Willis
XOGC #6302
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"Woody....I have a rectal/ocular obstruction...I can't see my a$$ doing it..."
I've always preferred to describe that situation as a "recto-cranial inversion".
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I have taken up a new hobby...Painting. So far I have painted dogs and cats....Helps if you wait until they are sleeping... :cheers:
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How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?....a bucccaneer.
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O.K. JD...Pirates it will be....What did the pirate pay for his hook and peg leg?? An arm and a leg...
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This pirate goes to the doctor to have him look at some spots on his arm...Dr. looks them over and says "They're benign".... Pirate says " No Doc..there be eleven...counted 'em me self"
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How do you save a dying pirate.?...ya gives him C.P Arrr
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Why does a pirate need a cell phone?...Fer Booty calls.... :cheers: :cheers:
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Why did the pirate bury his treasure 18 inches down?..Because booty is shin deep..
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Hmm...guess that should have been Aye phone :clap
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Pirate turns to his first mate and growls..."Finds me the Roman numeral get two"......First mate says.."Aye,Aye...."
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Well I thought it was going to be a slow day for stupid jokes... then Jerry decided to pun-ish us... I never figured we would fall into being desert critics... but it's been a day to pie rate
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"I stand corrected"... said the man in orthopedic shoes.
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You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name...And you have never been in that bar before..
-
Drinking too many margaritas is likely tequil-ya
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I got thrown out of the Ghost Bar.... ordered a beer but all they serve is spirits... :cheers:
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I have been there Bob!!...I met a skeleton that had no body to drink with.
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Just for the halibut...let's try fish.......Why are fish do easy to weigh?? They bring their own scales... :cheers:
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Fish are so gullible...They swallow everything hook, line and sinker....
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Last time I went fishing..I caught two fish. One smelt and the other stank..
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Hey Jer, you sleep in today?...
I haven't come up with any fish puns yet... give me some time to mullet over :roll:
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Share it with us Bob..Don't be shell fish...( and if you must know, I replaced a front wheel bearing and Pitman arm in a Yukon that belongs to a buddy that just had five anuerisms removed from his brain)
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How many birds does it take to change a light bulb??? Toucan do it....
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I heard about a bird that swallowed a cock-a-too! She might have been a yellow-bellied sapsucker! :evil:
I hope my response wasn't too swift or Jer will crow about it!
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Jeeez Woody......I hope you got those puns cheep... :cheers:
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Planned on going to the beach today but is is raining ....Starting to get irrigated..
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Did you know you are required by law to turn on your lights when it is raining in Sweden?? How am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?? cromag
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If I jump off a bridge in Paris...Would that make me in Seine?
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Do fish get high from sea weed??
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I keep hearing about smoking salmon... I can't figure out how they keep them lit... :dhorse:
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Of course I've always heard the grass is always greener on the unlit side.... :cheers:
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I keep hearing about smoking salmon... I can't figure out how they keep them lit... :dhorse:
Ya put 'em on the barbeque gill,......
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You need to listen to your piers . . .
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Bought a hat with a built in fan that cools my head....It blows my mind....
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Can you catch a fish without putting a worm on the hook??..It's de-bait-ible
-
Patti commented that when we were dating I always gave her nice gifts and jewelry but that stopped after getting married...I said.."You ever see a fisherman give the fish another worm after it's caught?" :clap :clap
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Why do we remember the fish that got away as bigger than the ones we catch?
Fish memories scale-able . . .
-
Bought another gun and it won't fire...?...Wonder if the manual has a trouble shooting section? :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
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Bought another gun and it won't fire...?...Wonder if the manual has a trouble shooting section? :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
You'll need to rifle through it . . .
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Nothing in the book M2....I shall peruse a couple gun sites......
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You'll need to rifle through it . . .
Shoot, I was going to bang out that comment, but you beat me to the draw! :-P
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Woody....MM is quick to drop the hammer when he is bored.
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Better stop w / gun puns.....Some snowflake will be triggered.... :cheers:
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I bought a hand gun from a T. Rex..He was a small arms dealer.....
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I am completely blown away by these comments.
John
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this has been some high caliber discussion aktion086
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If you cross a founding father with a curly haired dog??...Do you get a Yankee Poodle ??
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Should be a dandy mix...
kinda like mixing a spaniel, a poodle and a rooster... Cocker poodle doo
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Started a boat building company in my attic...Sails are through the roof...
-
....making a boat from stone would be a hardship...
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Canoe stop making those dinghy jokes, please?
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....making a boat from stone would be a hardship...
Yea but you should chip away at it anyway... don't take any part of the process for granite...
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Jeez Bob...how deep of shaft did you mine for those? Last time those puns were funny was during the stone age..
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What do you do with a dead geologist?? Barium.
-
My cousin David lost his I.D. Now he is just Dave......
-
......New club opening Saturday ...It's named "Autopsy".... I might go for open Mike night....
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Jer, I applied for a lathe job the other day but they turned me down! :cry:
Said they didn't want me milling around the parking lot either! :-o
But that's just the way the chips fall sometimes! :evil:
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."
"Is that you, Bob?? "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful, what's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud --- lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No ... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Nevada!"
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......New club opening Saturday ...It's named "Autopsy".... I might go for open Mike night....
I think I'll skip it. Sounds like it might be boring. :dhorse:
Mike
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......New club opening Saturday ...It's named "Autopsy".... I might go for open Mike night....
I think I'll skip it. Sounds like it might be boring. :dhorse:
Mike
I thought you would be splitting a gut.
Don
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I thought maybe a few of you would come along.....We could crack open some cold ones....
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Whether or not it would be fun .....remains to be seen :clap :clap :clap
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Hey Jer I hear the girls there are drop dead gorgeous but a little frigid... aktion086
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What do yo call a caveman that wanders aimlessly?...A Meanderthal..
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I guess that's what they do when they go clubbing on Friday night... :naughty
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I guess that's what they do when they go clubbing on Friday night... :naughty
That should get the seal of approval :friday
-
I heard a bird out in the yard but could not see it......Must have been in da sky's
-
.....don't start a string of bird puns...toucan play that game....
-
.....don't start a string of bird puns...toucan play that game....
I know you started that one on the fly Jerry, I decided I would have to wing it if I did bird stuff...
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What type of shoes are made from bananas??....Slippers...
-
....Can't decide which I like best...sunrise or sunset....They both have their ups and downs...
-
Jer, speaking of sunrise, I still get excited thinking about the crack of Dawn - if that was her real name!?!? :evil:
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Woody... :cheers:.. True story...A buddy was sitting on the shore of Lake Michigan watching the sun set with his niece. After about 10 minutes she turned and commented that it would be dark by the time the sun set. Kids.🤔😀
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Went for a walk around Riverside Park this morning and saw a guy playing chess with a cat....I commented on how smart the cat must be to play chess and the fellow said "He is not all that smart.....I am ahead 5 games to two..."
-
Jerry was the cat smiling... maybe he was a chess-shire cat :cheers:
Jerry you ever coming to Bonneville?
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Jerry was the cat smiling... maybe he was a chess-shire cat :cheers:
Jerry you ever coming to Bonneville?
Cat did have an empty gin bottle....🤔 Maybe he was cat-a-tonic? As for the other? I need to find a record George won't carpet bomb.
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Most people don't think mountains are funny....I think they are hill areas...
-
There are a lot of folks in Missouri south of Kansas City that think their city is Peculiar....
-
A strip of bacon and two eggs walk into a bar. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".
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Reminds me of the meat packer that was arrested for bringing home the bacon....
-
For those of you who can't read, or, if you simply tire of the boredom of driving straight to the finish line, I offer the following.
Think of it as a metaphor for Congress and your money (Speaking of stoopid jokes).
https://files.catbox.moe/cci08m.mp4
-
Jim.....Where did you find video of U.S.131 Southbound on Labor Day? (Slim will understand) :cheers:
-
I think I'd liken it to hunters getting off the ferry (across the straights of Mackinac before the Bridge was built) in St. Ignace and heading into the wilds of the U. P. lol8
-
FJ, I got it from an AARP gathering where they were extolling the fun of RV'ing through your Golden Years.
-
🤔..And what do campers eat for breakfast???..Winne-bagels :cheers:
-
Know what the bears in the U.P. call campers in sleeping bags??..Soft shell tacos
-
For those of you who can't read, or, if you simply tire of the boredom of driving straight to the finish line, I offer the following.
Think of it as a metaphor for Congress and your money (Speaking of stoopid jokes).
https://files.catbox.moe/cci08m.mp4
Me thinks much more organized than anyone in DC! At least this stoopidity has a real purpose! :-P
Also a great example of vehicle dynamics and aerodynamic interactions! :cheers: :cheers:
-
Yeah, the vehicle dynamics are sumpthin'.
I 'specially like the old NASCAR trick of "accidentally" shedding non aero body parts mid race.
Lowers the CG as well. These guys are fierce competitors.
-
Not much in the way of flags for "debris" on the track. LOL
-
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other what type of music he ( she?...they?) likes to listen to. The other says.."I am a big metal fan "...
-
They'd like these guys: https://www.bigassfans.com/
-
,.......Woody, I left one of those metal fans outside and it lead to someone steeling it......
-
Hey Jer... I've been working in the yard.... I think I have it chicken proof... the lawn is impeccable
-
Who did Fonzie call when his bike broke down?? Triple Ayyy
-
Every time I go for a bike ride I finds tools on the road...most are driving mini-vans...
-
I wanted to post more tool jokes, but that was awl I could find.....Nailed it.
-
What a gut-wrenching decision even though I saw why you did it.
-
Oh sure Jim...Rachet things up and socket to me....Maybe Peter Jack will say something ...up-lifting :friday
-
What is Supermans favorite part of the joke?
The "punch" line! :cheers:
-
I'll see if I can't hammer something out! :cheers: :cheers:
Pete
-
Hey Nancy.....Last time I had a surgery performed, I asked the Doc. if I could close the incision myself and save $$$...He said " Fine..suture self".... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
:? :? :?
-
An associate of mine always calls his wife "Bambi"... Not because of her big, brown eyes....because he wishes someone would shoot her mother. :cheers:
-
🤔 ....Last Halloween I dressed as a harp....Patti thought the costume was too small to be a harp...I think she called me a lyre....
-
......October 10 is International Talk in Cliche's Day...I will do that 'til the cows come home..
-
A friend finally explained how autocorrect on the phone works... "there's a little elf in there trying hard to be helpful.... but in fact he is really quite drunk"
Jer... its only the 8th... are you the early bird trying to get the worm :cheers:
-
Albert Einstein was an absolute genius, a man deserving of praise and honor.
His brother Frank, was an absolute monster.
-
Jeez Bob.....Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?
-
Hey Bob....Did I tell you about the time I googled pictures of grandfather clocks and left out the "L"??😶
-
Jer, something like that happened to me, too! :?
I asked when my grandfather was born but the spellcheck elf flipped the b into a p! :roll:
-
Hey, Bob! You realize, of course, that the early worm gets the bird. :cheers:
Mike
-
Since you guys have added worms to this segment... :clap 🤔 Why did the worms exit the apple before going aboard Noah's Ark???? Because they were told to go in pears..
-
I created a car that runs on leaves! Going to call it the autumn-mobile.
-
Pictures! Otherwise there's no way I'll fall for that.
Mike
-
Jer,
Can you order it with air bags?
Or is it only available with the standard leaf springs?
-
Jim...I used air bags...easier to change the rake :clap
-
Worst job I ever had?🤔 At the unemployment office....Even after they fired me I had to go there.....
-
What was the snakes favorite subject in school??..Math.....He was an adder....
-
Jer, I once skinned a diamondback - but he wasn't a jeweler! :evil:
He made some rattling sounds just before he lost his head! :?
-
Woody....Did that cause e- reptile dysfunction???
-
Hey Jerry are you sure your math snake wasn't a Pi-thon :cheers:
-
No Bob....An adder.....he also likes hiss-tory......
-
Woody....Did that cause e- reptile dysfunction???
No, but I think my snake might have gotten constricted! :-P
-
He put down the math book and began dancing...might be a Mamba....
-
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_krait
The locals call this a two-step - take two steps and die - not much of a dance but easy to learn! :-o :?
-
Two strikes, Woody.
It's not a joke
And it's not Friday.
And as a Special SJF Bonus....
It's not stoopid either.
Sheesh! Pay attention will ya.
Probably the same in school, right? I bet you were the only kid in the fifth grade who kept getting "dinged" for parking in the faculty lot.
-
Hang on...have to check my calendar...O.K..It's FRIDAY. Two fonts walk in to a bar, Bartender tells them he doesn't serve their type..... :friday
-
Bartender sounds like a bold faced type! :evil:
-
Jim, you know how Jer is! I just didn't want him trying the Texas two-step on a two-step!
That would not be a laughing matter - Saturday or any other day! :-P
Stoopid is as stoopid does! aktion086
-
🤔....Satan's favorite font???.....Hellvetica............ :evil:
-
Saw two people entering an ambulance....Might have been a pair of medics...
-
How do you know when the Moon is going broke?? When it is down to it's last quarter....
-
Okay, I guess Jerry is sleeping in. Probably too much nog with his egg or something.
Anyway, moving on in the spirit of the Holidaze.
Did you hear about the dyslexic occultist?
Yep, you guessed it. Sold his soul to Santa
-
Maybe this will wake Jer up!?!? :?
A guy goes into a restaurant with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer. "Hey guy, look around! This is an extremely classy place. No one gets in without a necktie!"
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. But as luck would have it, he sees a set of jumper cables in the trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a decent looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He heads back to the restaurant. The bouncer looks him over for a moment with suspicious, and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. But you better not try to start anything."
-
Nice try, Woody, but it's not quite down to Jerry's standards.
-
Jeez..tough crowd. Reminds of the time I said you guy's didn't need to wait for me to start and Chris said "We tried that, but the jokes were funny.."
-
I used to be in a band....our drummer was a turkey...he was the only one with drumsticks...
-
Saw a snowman at the grocery store rooting through the carrots.....He was picking his nose....
-
.......🤔...We caught the turkey with a snare.....
-
When Flat Earth Society members travel.....Do they do it on a plane???
-
FLAT OUT!!! :clap :clap :clap
Pete
-
Seems to me this is getting pushed right to the edge. :roll:
-
Pete....The earth is not flat....If it were, a cat would have knocked everything off the edge by now....
-
(Stolen from another venue - somebody's gotta start this thing)
Today's Work From Home Tip:
Blowing on the wine in your coffee mug will help convince the Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
-
I know a doctor named Juan who specializes in tattoo removal...For the past 20 years he has also been robbing banks and has not been caught.....No one ever expects the Spanish ink physician...
-
I bought a condensed thesaurus and it is terrible..not only that, It is terrible too....
-
But is it tearable...
-
Mrs. Claus asks Santa to look out the window and see if it is snowing.
So Santa looks out, turns back to her and says, "Nope, it is just rein deer".
-
So that is how you want to play????🤔...Why does Santa come down the chimney?? Because it soots him well.....( knew that would sleigh you)
-
Mrs. Claus asks Santa to look out the window and see if it is snowing.
So Santa looks out, turns back to her and says, "Nope, it is just rein deer".
The way I heard it, it was Comrade Rudolph saying it's raining. His wife asks if maybe it's actually snow, and he replies "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".
-
Hey Bob.....I replaced my old thesaurus with a new one...All of the pages are blank. I have no words to express my anger....
-
Well Jerry I guess you need Bobby McFerrin's advice.... Don't worry... be happy
you won't need to express your exasperation... or choke the living shit outta someone that needs it...
-
How much did Santa's sleigh cost?.....Nothing...It is on the house....
-
Santa's least favorite reindeer?....Rude-olph......
-
Santa says, "HO! HO! HO! " until he gets to my house then it's, "HA! HA! HA! " :? :?
Everyone have a Merry Christmas and a Happier New Year! :cheers: :cheers:
-
Pet question for the sages that inhabit (inhibit?) this Dear Abby wannabee -
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog he's adopted?
-
I saw a girl crying, so, being a compassionate Land Speed Racer, I asked her "Where are your parents?" and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
-
Well as we all gather the celebrate I want to shout out to my friend Pork Pie... stuck in Germany for several years... hopefully Herr Pie will be seen at Bonneville soon
:cheers:
-
Jim.....I've read your post three times, and the punchline is not apparent....Merry Christmas everyone. JB & Patti
-
Yo Jim......If you take beer to the kids at work....Make it Foster's. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
Dr. Frankenstein's New Year resolution??...Making new friends....
-
I have a dyslexic friend.....Life handed him a melon....
-
OGM! Lexdysia gains a strike! OLO!
-
FTW?
-
I was pulled over by a city police officer yesterday. He walked up to my vehicle and said "papers". I looked back at him and replied "scissors, I win" and I drove off.
-
My New Year's Resolution is to try to not put my foot in mouth so often.
What about you, Jer? You gonna do something about that weight?
-
Jim.....Might work on growing taller.... :cheers:
-
I don't know about all y'all but on New Year?s Eve I might have made too many pour decisions. :cheers:
-
I have a dyslexic friend who says DNA is short for National Dyslexia Association
-
I like that one, Paul. Very good.
-
I probably shouldn't drive my car until the repairs are finished...But bad brakes never stopped me before....
-
Jerry told Marybeth that she was drawing her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised. :-o
-
Watched a documentary on the construction of The Empire State Building.....It was riveting....
-
Sounds like a tall tale to me. :cheers:
-
The news today says the Mars candy company will be redoing the personalities of the M&M characters in their advertising.
Does this mean that the peanut M&Ms will be able to self-identify as regular M&Ms without losing their nuts?
-
Sounds like a tall tale to me. :cheers:
He said...Beaming with pride....😀
-
The news today says the Mars candy company will be redoing the personalities of the M&M characters in their advertising.
Does this mean that the peanut M&Ms will be able to self-identify as regular M&Ms without losing their nuts?
Genderly speaking? :-P
-
Reminds me of the teacher who married the school janitor....He swept her off her feet.....
-
Walked out to the mail box in freezing rain....It hurt like hail...
-
Answered an ad looking for someone to work at a wind farm... Nope, didn't get a blow job!
:laugh: :cheers:
-
Speaking of blow jobs, the shop I normally go to to blow up my balloons has increased their price by 50%
That's inflation for you.
-
"blow job" was a nickname propeller-driven fighter pilots had for the early jets. No kidding.
-
Jeeez....I start a sweet and innocent joke thread and it degrades into vulgar sexual innuendo. Keep up the good work. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
Did you hear about the ATM machine that was addicted to money?
It was constantly going through withdrawals.
-
"blow job" was a nickname propeller-driven fighter pilots had for the early jets. No kidding.
That sucks! :-P
-
"blow job" was a nickname propeller-driven fighter pilots had for the early jets. No kidding.
Was that because they all wanted one??😃
-
No jokes about cold weather...it is snow joke.
-
.......I found that one on the winter-net....
-
Jerry - so youse guys think winter is a joke, hey? Here's our joke of a forecast for the next few days.
-
'No jokes about cold weather...it is snow joke.'
It's not? :?
-
Golly gee Slim....You know I like skating on thin ice....That's how I got my big breakthrough...😁
-
Patti was shocked when she found out how bad I am at electrical repairs....
-
.......But the last time she wanted a picture hung....I nailed it...
-
Well, Jer, if two wrongs won't make a right, try three.
-
WELL Jim.....I did try installing a shower once...Another pipe dream gone wrong...... :cheers:
-
And while you're at it Jer, remember procrastination if the art of keeping up with yesterday
-
Reminds me of the math teacher who was afraid of negative numbers...He stopped at nothing to avoid them..
-
50% of people with college degrees don't understand binary numbers... that's 1 in 10 :cheers:
-
Patti brought home some graph paper....Must be plotting something....
-
A limbo contestant walked into a bar......He was disqualified :cheers:
-
I have an inferiority complex......But it's not a good one.....
-
I keep losing the roll of paper towels in the shop.... I'm now a part time Bounty hunter.... :cheers:
-
Stainless, be careful, those red bears may be trying to ambush you! Ya know how charmin' they are! :naughty aktion086
-
A pirate walks into his favorite bar with a roll of paper towels on his head
The bartender says " What's with the paper towels Skipper? "
The pirate says " Arr, there be a bounty on me head " :friday
-
One of my friends is a mushroom fanatic... he is a real fungi at dinner parties...
-
Phil died but his sign lives on.
-
Why are people tired on April 1??? Because they just finished a 31 day March.....
-
What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?...Lilly......
-
That joke was padded, Jer! :-P
I'm just ribbeting you!
-
Knew you would croak in Woody.....
-
There is a spider on my keyboard....Must be checking his web site....
-
🤔...People in Iran are afraid of spiders....But in Iraq? No phobia...
-
Jerry, you are in prime form today. That one took me a few extra seconds. Bravo! :clap
-
Slim that comes from being old and slow... kinda like my 57 Sportster... of course it's two tired to go fast
:cheers:
-
Stainless....Did you buy it in Jamaica? That would make it a Bob Harley.....
-
Does it have dreaded fork locks? :?
-
Reminds me of the carpenter that built a bike from scraps of lumber...All that work and it wooden start....
-
.....And we know the sound that Bob's bike makes...."Rum...rum...rummmm... :cheers:
-
I know that bike! :cheers:
-
You nailed it Woody,.........
-
Slim's surgeon was also a stand up comic.....Left him in stitches....
-
.....And Jon really liked the guy....He touched his heart.....😀
-
I pine for a bike like that!
-
Of course you do S.B.....Why knot?
-
Now there's an idea!
-
Neil....Never challenge death to a pillow fight....Unless you are prepared for the reaper cushions....
-
The relationship I was in prior to meeting Patti ended because I didn't open a car door for her.....I just swam to the surface....😁
-
Jerry, I've got a sinking feeling you were underwater in that relationship anyway... musta been a good time to bail
:cheers:
-
On my way to work today, I was attacked by six dwarfs.
Not Happy.
-
On my way to work today, I was attacked by six dwarfs.
Not Happy.
This sounds a little Dopey to me
-
Sounds like a miniature confrontation to me! :-P
Were you singing HI-HO, HI-HO out loud? :?
-
On my way to work today, I was attacked by six dwarfs.
Not Happy.
Hopefully there was a "Doc" close. :roll:
-
Sorry I am late today....Had a little accident...I bumped into a car at a stop light.....3' tall guy got out, stomped back and jump on the running board of my 'Burb and yelled "I am not happy"...So I flicked some cigar ash on his head and asked " So which one are you...Grumpy"?
-
The seven dwarfs could never share a name.....Might create a pair o' Docs...
-
Know how the Big Bad Wolf gets high??? He huffs and he puffs... :cheers:
-
I found $20 on the sidewalk yesterday...As I reached down to pick it up a homeless guy walked up and asked if I could spare some cash as he had not eaten since Monday. I knew the money would just go towards alcohol or drugs...So I gave it to the homeless guy instead.😇
-
Next time you see him, Jerry, do him a favor. Give him counterfeit money. Might get him a nice warm jail cell.
#2 And be especially careful of your route choice when you're on your way to the Coinstar with your piggy bank savings. I mean , "Spare change?" is not what you want to hear right then.
-
As luck would have it...I saw the same homeless guy today! He was wearing one shoe , so I asked if he lost one...He said " No...I found one "
-
......He was walking along with a shopping cart full of horse shoes and rabbit's feet.....Talk about pushing your luck.... :cheers:
-
He Jerry, my neighbor adopted a homeless horse... it was unstable
-
No kidding Bob??...How much does it whey???
-
Whinny figures that out my neigh will let you no! :deal aktion086
-
So I stopped at Burger King today...very long line at the drive thru.....young girl behind me started blowing the car horn and yelling for me to hurry up and order. I guess she was pressed for time, and stressed out so I paid for her order too. The gal taking orders must have told the young lass what I had done because she waved , smiled and blew me a kiss!! Then I drove to the second window, showed both receipts and took her food along with my own...which meant she had to go around to the end of the line and start over.😁. DO NOT blow your horn at me. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
🤔....Riding in the car with my dad one day and as we passed a cemetery he turned to me and using his most somber tone told me that there are people living in our town that cannot be buried there. Being full of youthful innocence I asked why that was...Dad replied.." Because they are still alive"
-
Went to a new spot last night for dinner.....Place is named "Karma"..... No menu,...You get what you deserve. :clap
-
Ooops, forgot :cheers: :cheers: 1drink :friday
-
Karma's just sharpening her fingernails and finishing her drink. She says she'll be back with you shortly
-
I am a firm believer in karma. Every person I had treated badly had it coming to them.... 1drink :friday :cheers: :cheers: :clap
-
:cheers: :naughty
-
Leading off the festivities I'll begin with the amazing new Mercedes Benz coupe.
Unbelievable they have produced an electric car that never needs to be re-charged!!!!!
Watch out Tesla!
https://files.catbox.moe/yjz7ab.mp4
-
Battery walks into a bar, stopped at the door by a salt shaker... the fight ensued...
assault and battery :cheers:
-
Peppering us with your wisdom, are we?
-
Jim, a surprising reply from a seasoned veteran :friday
-
Both of you should be put in aa cell.
-
Batteried by the salty puns - I second that to AAA! :-P
-
I positively got a charge out of you well grounded fellows. 🤔 Post on.
-
Went to the grocery store today and could not find the olives....So I asked an employee if they had any and he said "I'll see" and walked away. About 5 minutes passed and he had not returned , so I asked the same question of one of his co-workers who gave me the same "I'll see" and wandered off never to be seen again. I finally found them myself. They were in aisle C.......... 1drink
-
I'll see your aisle C battery and raise you two double D's Jer! :naughty aktion086
-
Sad day for me Woody....Noticed two lumps on the battery of my 'Burb...Had them checked...one is positive😐..might be terminal... :cheers:
-
Anyone need an Ark welder??...I Noah guy....... 1drink
-
Full disclosure - got this off another site. But I'm sure it will help some readers.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks
into a bar and orders three mugs of Lone Star beer.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each
one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the
bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd
drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of us."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom.
The cowboy becomes a regular and always orders 3 mugs
and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes
back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and
I had to quit drinking."
?It hasn't affected my brothers though."
-
Where do you find a Mormon horse??....Salt Lick City....
-
.....I have more...but my mom would slap me.... 1drink
-
Asked the bride if I can get a pet rodent.....She said gopher it..... 1drink
-
Holy Moley, what a Babe!
P.S. gimme your address, I've got a couple extra I can send ya'.
-
Hey Jim....Know what you call a dead gopher??..."Fur"...I doesn't go anymore.... :cheers:
-
A friends daughter graduated from law school and got a job at KFC....It has always been on her bucket list....
-
She's not just wingin' it there, Jer? :-P
-
maybe her degree gave her a LEG up on the competition :roll:
-
That sounds like a real nugget to me salt27! :-P
-
.....I imagine what will happen the first time a judge says "Order in the court....." 1drink
-
Last year on July 4 I watched fireworks on T.V.🤔 This year I will light them outside...... 1drink
-
Good on ya', Jer.
I think you'll like the colored ones.
So much more enjoyable than the black and white ones.
-
Remember Jim....Fireworks and alcohol do not go together....You spill beer on the fuse and it will not light..... :friday
-
'preciate your concern, Jer, but my beverage of choice is mostly alcohol, not beer which is only a tiny bit alcohol. Keep them dern soggy fuses much happier.
Speakin' of fireworks, several years back me and my son were working a fireworks barge for the 4th in Sandy Egggo harbor. Here's vid of the final 90 seconds or so.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGyYD5lDyvc
-
'preciate your concern, Jer, but my beverage of choice is mostly alcohol, not beer which is only a tiny bit alcohol. Keep them dern soggy fuses much happier.
Speakin' of fireworks, several years back me and my son were working a fireworks barge for the 4th in Sandy Egggo harbor. Here's vid of the final 90 seconds or so.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGyYD5lDyvc
Nice finale there FHJ. Don't see you in the pre entry list. whats up?
-
My favorite part of summer is bikini tops and short shorts. The neighbor cringes when she sees me in the yard....but at least I am comfortable..... 1drink
-
It is so hot here....I keep cool by reading my fan mail....
-
Saw a old lady crying in the aisle at the grocery store....she was upset because she lost her income tax refund. Being the nice fellow that I am, I gave her $100. Made me happy and besides, I found an envelope with $2,500 in it out in the parking lot.....
-
I was so angry that I threw my keyboard against the wall and parts flew everywhere.
That's when the shift hit the fan.
-
I have a buddy who is an entomologist...I swapped the "S" and "C" keys on his keyboard....Can't wait for him to Google insect.......😁
-
🤔...A penguin is favorite relative?..Aunt Arctic...
-
Plumbers least favorite vegetable?...The leek.....
-
Police confirmed that the man who fell from the 15th floor of the nightclub...
Was not a bouncer
-
I met a girl with no legs at a bar....She was the bouncer.....
-
🤔.....If a ball game gets cancelled due to rain....Do you get a precipitation trophy?!
-
What did the dog say as he stepped off his sailboat?? "Wharf"..... (I" ll sea myself out....)
-
Being in a spectacularly (look it up ) beautiful harbor, here is what he really said as he stepped off the bow - "Wow"
-
Fred (that's what I call my little wiener) says you both need a stern talking to....
-
Bob.....Fred is adorable
-
Fred is a Little Liner- a long wheelbase, too. :-)
-
I want to look up what "procrastinate" means but I keep putting it off 'til later.
-
Slim, I suspect you, like me, are already a pro at crastination.... :clap
BTW CC was that too many commas? :?
-
Having dinner with two friends tonight....Or as I call them...My taste bud's.... :friday
-
Thought about getting a job driving a taxi.....But I don't like people talking behind my back...
-
Laughter is the best medicine....Which makes me the Dr. Kevorkian of humor.... 1drink
-
Which animal has more lives than a cat??...The frog....they croak every night.....
-
I toadily agree Jer! :-P
-
I toadily agree Jer! :-P
Warts and all??
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiidibfhidE
-
Reminds of the rude snowman.....He did not carrot all.....
-
Then there was the math teacher that spilled cake batter all over the inside of her oven......But in her defense....the directions did say to place the pan in the oven at 180 degrees.... 1drink
-
She bakes a nice pie Jer!
-
Agreed Woody.....And clearly no engineer or she would have rounded up to 4.....Just to be safe.
-
You think gas and electric prices are high, have you seen chimneys?
They're through the roof :friday
-
My chimney is sick.....It might have the flue....
-
Smith &Wesson has released a pair of revolvers named The Congressman and The Senator...They don't work and you can't fire them......👍
-
.....Found a big, furry dead animal in my yard ,so I cut off a piece and ate it....now I don't feel so good. May have been a moose steak....
-
I told you not to gopher it!
-
.....He was wearing a mask....trying to stay anonymoose...
-
...But he did have a bottle of scotch...might have been an elkaholic... :dhorse:
-
I'm betting you used too much mooseturd.
(With apologies to Utah Phillips)
Don't know of U.P.?
click here-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trQW-1TnjSY
-
Went to a new restaurant named Karma....No menu, You get what you deserve....
-
What does a clam do on it's birthday?....Shellabrates....
-
Q. How do you get to the library really fast?
A. You book it!
-
Monte.....Just don't overdue it....... 1drink
-
What does a tree do before going on vacation??...It packs it's trunk and leaves.....
-
Finally figured out why Slim doesn't like us to post political jokes.... all to often they get elected.... :?
:cheers:
-
If a priest becomes an attorney.....Is he a father in law??
-
I read that vending machines kill more people each year than sharks....🤔 Makes sense since I have never seen a vending machine kill a shark..
-
As a kid I always struggled with spelling... so whoever invented autocorrect I am eternally grapefruit.
:cheers:
-
For those of you who have felt left out in the cold as life passes you by, I can offer this encouragement.
Basically there are two words that will open a LOT of doors for you in life.
Trust me, a LOT.
Push.
Pull.
-
And it goes without saying that if you are considering a life of crime, you are, by definition, not smart enough to pursue a life of crime.
But... but... if you are pursuing a life of Land Speed Racing, does the same logic apply?
Help me out here before I get too much older.
-
As proof of my previous post, I offer this video.
I'm told that basically the potential car jackee modified his horn button to activate a certain sound.
N-joy!
https://files.catbox.moe/fqwcsr.mp4
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Which type of key cannot be used to open a lock...? The tur-key
-
Why did the nurse carry a red pen??...To draw blood.....
-
....Got an e-mail today that said you can go to Google Earth and read maps backwards.......I think that is spam......
-
On accordion...
-
Never shop for bedroom furniture when you have been drinking......It leads to one night stand..... :cheers:
-
What do you call a boat full of dentists??🤔.....The Tooth Ferry......
-
I was going to sign up for a 401K at work, but then I decided I was too old to run that far.
:cheers:
-
Our mailman is a terrible joke teller.....I think he needs to work on his delivery.....
-
Handy holiday tip for the grandfathers. Wrap empty boxes and place them near the Christmas tree. When a grand child acts up...Toss one in the fireplace...... :cheers:
-
.......🤔...I am not sure of what you do after you run out of grand kids.... 1drink
-
Burn the empty boxes? :?
-
In honor of the current weather......A farmer left his sheep outside during a blizzard....He had to take them to an Icy Ewe ward....
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When I were a little fellow, dad was driving me to a Pink Floyd concert during a blizzard. He stopped the car, got out, and placed a pair of snakes on the cowl of his 1961 Studebaker Hawk. I questioned the value of his actions and dad said.."What??? You have never heard of wind chilled vipers??" :clap
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Speaking of hawks (don't wanna ruin the thread you've started, Jer)
Anyway, speaking of hawks, my uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah
He's also a trained taxidermist
-
What do you call a broke Santa Claus? Saint-Nickel-Less
-
What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants...A mistletoe
-
Yo Jim....My uncle had the exact same animal parts....And a lifetime ban from the zoo.... 1drink
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Weather update....The snow is not accumulating here in G.R....It is going sideways far too fast for that.
-
Where did the math teacher go to celebrate New Year's Eve?..Times Square.
-
Funny. I had thought he would have spent it on the Continental Divide - not nearly as crowded.
-
Not to change the subject, but I was talking to a member of the local nudist colony and he answered an age old question....
bares do shit in the woods... :cheers:
-
Well Jim....If he goes there he should wear glasses....They improve di-vision.
-
Speaking of education.....My teachers always said I should follow my dreams....Yet every time I fell asleep in class they would wake me🤔 So confusing.
-
As long as we insist on trying to become smarter (that edumacation thingie, donchaknow) I heard a story the other day over the wireless.
Seems one day the sex education teacher was going to explain how to use a condom, and had brought a banana to class.
When queried about the banana he replied, "It's because I find it difficult to get an erection on an empty stomach."
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Speaking of education.....My teachers always said I should follow my dreams....Yet every time I fell asleep in class they would wake me🤔 So confusing.
Jer... probably the snoring was keeping the other students awake...
-
What do ghosts do for fun on Friday the13th?? ...Ride elevators..They raise the spirits..
-
Which pasta dish do Italian people eat on Friday the 13th?... Fettuccine Afraid-o
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Friday the 13th ?? I am not superstitious....I' m just 'stitious..
-
Meeting my kangaroo buddy for breakfast....He likes IHOP.....
-
I love that place too.
Beats me why they don't serve frog legs.
-
They did at one time but quit when someone croaked. :roll:
-
Did they choke on a rib-it? :-o :-P
-
Woody...Did you send that from your I-Pad??
-
The local zoo charges $10 for admission, but waves the fee to campers and people dressed like dolphins. So it is free for all in tents and porpoises. :clap
-
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo!
-
They just opened a new zoo in Furley... So far there's just a dog in it...
It's a shit zoo
-
A monkey made his escape from the zoo on the back of a sheep.
the authorities are asking people to watch for a monkey on the lamb.
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Hey, Jerry. You awake yet?
Okay to (more or less) keep the spirit of SJF alive, I provide this.
True, it's not some witty rejoinder, or tired homily, but it is a delightful social comment on what to my mind is only a fad.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k1tbf8muMc
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What type of battery do you need if your car breaks down?
Triple A
-
I had this brilliant idea to start a professional Hide and Seek league.
Then I got to thinking, the best players will be impossible to find!
-
Sorry I am so late today...Been prepping for the Super Bowl by viewing pics of Gracie Hunt😍😍😍 . Anyway, Why did the electrician marry his co-worker? He couldn't resistor..... :cheers:
-
Have you ever met a detective electrician?...They call me Sherlock Ohms
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Hey Monte, I started a peek-a-boo league last year.... didn't go well, lots of players ended up in the
ICU :cheers:
-
I would like to be buried in a glass casket....Whether or not I get my wish remains to be seen..
-
Jerry, the reality is we will both probably end up in hand baskets.... :? :laugh: :cheers:
-
My father-in-law (deceased) always said, "Bury me face down in a rubber casket so everyone can kiss my a$$ while I'm bouncing through he??!" aktion086
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Which element should they make caskets out of?...Barium
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I heard you make caskets with mourning wood....... :clap
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That time of the year again....Why were Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?? He was a master of deduction....
-
Hey Jerry, Patti called and ratted you out...
She said she confronted you the other day asking if you knew what day it was...
said you got that oh shit look on your face, jumped into you clothes, ran to the store and came back with chocolates and flowers... apologizing for not remembering
She confided that was the first time.... that she got flowers and candy on trash day!
:cheers:
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.....And Sherlock had help from his insect buddy the account-ant
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Yo Robert....We were married on my birthday. Pretty smart eh? :cheers:
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Nancy allowed me to choose our wedding date (really). I chose 14 June (1997) because I knew it'd be easy to remember Flag Day. It's worked so far. :cheers:
-
Well I've been married once... but not currently :-o
Mine was easy as well...
April 2nd... I was a fool for getting married, but we did it the second we had to :roll: :laugh:
:cheers:
-
Ha, Sandra and I tied the knot on April 1st
Haven't forgot an anniversary yet. :cheers:
-
?What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.? ? author Mark Twain
-
Do dog catchers get paid by the pound???
-
If a dog has puppies on the side of the road can she get ticketed for littering?
-
Why did the Dachshund want to sit in the shade? Because it was a hot dog :cheers:
-
When we had our house built Patti insisted the steps not be carpeted. The carpet installers gave her blank stairs......
-
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong....
-
John.....This is a joke thread, cease with the reality. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
A buddy of mine is a butcher in London. He caught some sort of large creature in the river and made it into sausage....It was the beast of Thames...It was the wurst of Thames.
-
A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef...The butcher replies "Noooo Black Betty, ham or lamb"
-
Not bad, Johnboy!
-
I know that butcher SL1K.....He is very rude, I asked for pork chops and he gave me the cold shoulder
-
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman...
Rick O'Shea :cheers:
-
I had planned to post snake jokes....But someone might throw a hissy fit...🤔 Again. 😁
-
🤔 What do you call a snake that works for the government?? A civil serpent.
-
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman...
Rick O'Shea :cheers:
John...I have a buddy who is a sign painter and he used Rick O'Shea as his name when he entered car enduro races. Sounded great over the P.A. :cheers:
-
Have you heard the Irish version of Wooly Bully... by Sam the Shamrock n roll
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lax4u7xDzc
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I watched the video two or three times and still don't understand. The two girls just stand there and don't blink, Sam wears a turbin and the Pharos look like something from a Saturday Night Live skit, but what the hell is a wooly bully? It's got two big horns and a wooly jaw, but beyond that, i am at a loss.
-
I watched the video two or three times and still don't understand. The two girls just stand there and don't blink, Sam wears a turbin and the Pharos look like something from a Saturday Night Live skit, but what the hell is a wooly bully? It's got two big horns and a wooly jaw, but beyond that, i am at a loss.
The video is horrible. The song is nonsense, don't try to understand it.
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First thing I do after getting out of bed is place military figurines in my coffee mug...Because the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.
-
It's good to not lose your grip on those when placing them in your cup... I hear they are good to the last drop :roll:
-
Don't worry, be frappe-y!
-
Better latte than never eh John ?...... :cheers:
-
I'm quiet, but after a cup of coffee, I can espresso my feelings
-
This cowboy rides into town and sees a group of guys setting up a gallows. He asks if someone is fixing' to get hung. Old man says "Yep...Brown paper Larry". Cowboy asks why they call him that. Old guy says it is because everything Larry wears is made of brown paper bags...shirt,shoes,shirt,hat...even his socks are paper. C.B. asks why they are hanging him. Old geezer replies " Rustling"
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One cowboy sees a tree covered in bacon in the distance. He gets all excited and runs towards the bacon tree. As he reaches the bacon tree he gets shot to death. It turns out it wasn't a bacon tree. It was a hambush! aktion086
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I think many conflicts between cowboys could have easily been avoided had the planning Commission made the towns big enough for everyone. 1drink
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"Well son, since you haven't learned to respect your elders, it's time you learned to respect your betters."
--Big Jake
-
I knew the mention of cowboys would spur John's unbridled attention...Nice to not be saddled with carrying the thread myself. :dhorse:
-
My vacuum broke, so I put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it.
- It sucks again lol8
-
Where did Noah keep the bees during the flood? In the Ark hives....
-
Who was the greatest financier in the bible?
Noah, cause he floated his stocks while the rest of the world was in liquidation...
-
First out of the box.
Hooray!
We begin with today's theme - education.
Okay, boys and girls... Hope you had a fun Easter. You ever wonder how Easter eggs are made?
https://files.catbox.moe/4jybn4.gif
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Since no one is stepping up today, I guess I'll just have to fill the gap.
These days my memory is getting so bad I can hide my own Easter eggs.
The following has been unashamedly plagiarized from another site, because it brought back so many (memories, that is, not eggs).
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish, as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
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I stayed up all night studying, at one point I was wondering when the sun comes up. Then, suddenly, it dawned on me...
-
I had a teacher who was also a cannibal....Every time she spoke was a Hannibal Lecture.
-
Same teacher always said we should follow our dreams...Yet she would not let me sleep in class.... :friday
-
You ever wonder if your math teacher was a pirate and wanted you to find X so they could get the treasure? 1drink
-
Calculus has a steep learning curve...
But at least you know exactly how steep the learning curve is!
-
Mike Tyson just received a graduate-level certification in advanced calculus...
He calls it his Mathsters Degree...
-
Thanks Jim for some real humor - I think I heard most of those on the live shows - they were not to be missed! :cheers:
Let the plagiarism continue:
Be grateful that no matter how much chocolate you eat, your earrings will still fit!
They say 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40, but all I know is the older I get, the more 9pm is the new midnight!
I asked my waitress how they prepare their chicken. She said, "We tell them straight out they're going to die!"
Don't tell secrets in the garden! The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beanstalk!
I had a great plant based burger the other day. From a meat processing plant!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit!
I'll take a brake now!
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It's the first day of indoctri.....🤔...SCHOOL and the teacher is asking the students what their non-birthing parental unit does for a living. Little Suzie stands and tells the class that her dad is a magician and does really neat tricks , like sawing a person in two!!! The teacher asks if she has any siblings and Suzie says..."Yes, A half brother and half sister." 1drink
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Why do ducks have feathers?...To cover up his butt quack
-
How do you celebrate a pig's birthday?....By bacon him a cake. 😀
-
What do you call it when you take your prize winning pig to the pawn shop?
Why, a ham hock, of course.
-
What steps do you take if a tiger is running toward you...Big ones!
-
Since it seems to be animal Friday everybody sing along.... :friday
-
Yo Bob...
-
Why do sheep herders wear 501 Levi's with button flys...
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away
-
I went to my doctor yesterday and he said I am getting a prize!!!....He told I am getting Atrophy !!!! :friday
-
Now that I've gotten older, everything's finally starting to click for me... My knees, my back, my neck
-
Why did Bob's wife get frustrated after he retired...
She got twice as much Bob on half as much pay
-
Two reasons to never drink from a toilet. Number one and number two.
-
Poop Jokes are not my favorite but they are a solid #2
-
Well John Boy.....Then urine trouble. :friday
-
What do you call a country where everyone is pissed... A urination
-
Well John Boy.....Then urine trouble. :friday
On a scale of one to ten urinate :cheers:
-
Quite the stream you have going John..... :cheers:
-
Where does a volcano go to pee?? The lavatory..... :clap
-
When is the only time P comes after Q...
When there's a line for the bathroom because you have to queue before you pee
-
A burglar broke into a music store and ran off with the lute.....
-
He trumpeted the news to his lyre friends!
They are real cymbals of virtue, too! :evil:
-
What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist...
Terrorists have sympathisers
-
What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist...
Terrorists have sympathisers
-
What do parents give their baby if they want them to become a future race car driver...
Formula One
-
Know the difference between a baby and a cup of coffee??...Coffee won't keep you up all night.....Or so I have heard, We have no children.😁
-
So your wife only has one child to care for :friday
-
Bought a new Ninja lawn mower....It's a grassassin.....
-
93 year old Albert goes in for his annual inspection....During pre- exam small talk he tells the Doc. that he married a 22 year old cosmetologist and plans to start a family...Dr. suggests that if he has the spare room? Might be a good idea to take in a border. 3 months later, Al and the Doc. cross paths and the Dr. asks how the plan is working out...Al says "Great..the bride is pregnant"! Doc says " So my suggestion of a border worked"? And Al says...."She is pregnant too"! 1drink
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Al was sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out!
A stranger stopped and asked him what was the problem?
Al said, "I'm 93 and living with two hot young babes!"
Stranger said, How's that a problem?"
Al said, "I forgot where I live!" :cry:
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A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, "All that bull does is eat grass. Won't even look at a cow." "Take him to the vet," his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. "The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!" he told his pal. "Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!" "What kind of pills were they?"asked the friend. "I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste."
-
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast...
Synonym toast crunch :ear
-
Oh yeah?...I ate a dictionary once...Had thesaurus throat imaginable....
-
Stayed up late last night memorizing 6 pages of the dictionary....I remember next to nothing. 1drink
-
What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally...
A kleptomaniac takes things, literally...
-
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement...
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree"
-
I tried making a joke during a Zoom meeting last week.
They all said I wasn't even remotely funny.
-
I never question Patti's choices.....I was one of them.
-
Names changed to protect the delirious! :-P
Jer: Why did you marry me Patti?
Patti: Because you are funny!
Jer: I thought it was because I was good in bed!
Patti: You see! You're hilarious!
-
In honor of me spearing the feed line to my sprinkler system while searching for a hidden underground valve...😑...My neighbor leaves her sprinkler running 24/7...It is really irrigating. :cheers:
-
If a sprinkler head identified as female...
...would it still be considered a mister?
-
Walking out of a store this morning a female janitor asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her....I told her I do not like high maintenance women....
-
What do ducks smoke?...Quack :clap
-
I visited the local monastery hoping they made beer :friday
As I walked past the kitchen I found a guy frying sliced potatoes...
Me being me asked if he was the Friar :roll:
Nope, he said was the chip monk 8-)
-
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator....
Ok probably only a fraction of you will think that's funny :cheers:
-
Two random variables were talking in a bar... They thought they were being discrete but I heard their chatter continuously :deal
-
Hey Bob...I wanted to be a monk but never got the chants....
-
What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the big butter Jesus?? "I can't believe it's not Buddha..... 1drink
-
I have a plumber buddy that insists on installing toilets himself....He likes to go where no one has gone before...
-
I was chatting with a friend at the library and a plumber told us to pipe down....
-
I told the nurse I was bitten by a wolf...
"Where?" She asked...
"No. Regular"
-
Buddy of mine lost all his hair, yet he still carries a comb.....He just can't part with it....
-
Way back...Back when I worked for a living..I had an employer point out that I only seemed to get sick on work days. I told him I have a weekend immune system... :friday
-
What is the hottest letter in the alphabet?...."B"....It makes oil, boil.
-
What is the coldest letter?
The Iced T
-
If an orchestra is playing outside during a thunderstorm who is most likely to be hit by lightning???....The conductor...... 1drink
-
The police just came to the shop and arrested my bottled water...They said in was wanted in three states. Solid, liquid and gas.
-
I spotted an albino dalmatian today.
It was the least I could do.
-
🤔......Know why fireman have dalmatians?.....To find the hydrants.....
-
I reckon there were actually 102 Dalmatians...
But the other one was never spotted :cheers:
-
OK... dog jokes... so your thought for the day....
Who picks up guide dog poop.....
-
In honor of our upcoming trip to Ireland.....This guy is sitting at his favorite pub when the bartender says "Your glass is empty...would you like another"?.... Guy says " What would I want with two empty glasses"?... :cheers:
-
Some people like to look at the glass as half full and others like to look at it as half empty but me...
I just like to drink it :cheers:
-
Know what Christmas has in common with a tornado??....There is a tree in your living room.
-
🤔....Oh why not?.....I got fired from a job at a keyboard factory...They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts... :cheers:
-
I had planned on posting a joke about time travel...But none of you liked it....
-
I ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon.......I'll let you know.... 1drink
-
Just like buses and trains, my workstation is where the work stops :naughty
-
Yo John....I got fired once for something I didn't do.....My job. :cheers:
-
Anyone else find it interesting that ?Take Out? can mean food, dating, or murder. 1drink
-
There is a new project I want to tackle...
I got new fishing tackle for my birthday :friday
-
Anyone else find it interesting that ?Take Out? can mean food, dating, or murder. 1drink
Now I have a vision of Bob eating a spleen.......
-
Did I mention I was fired from my job as a set designer for a local theater??....I left without making a scene... 1drink
-
I worked for a guy that decided to fire the first person he saw that had bad posture.....I had a hunch it would be me...... :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
This farmer is walking across his field on his way to church when he spots a guy dangling from a tree . He asks why the fellow is in he tree and learns that he had gone sky diving and encountered a parachute malfunction. The farmer suggests that next time he should ask a local first....Because everyone knows nothing opens on Sunday around there......
-
Local restaurant serves rabbit stew on Fridays... guarantees you'll find a hare in your soup :cheers:
-
A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
-
I worked in a circus as a human cannonball for one day.....Then they fired me.. 1drink
-
Guy gets fired from his job at the unemployment office....Boss tells him "Clean out your desk and I'll see you here tomorrow"
-
I have a bunch of unemployment jokes but none of them work muutt
-
I was fired from my job as a massuer...I guess I rub people the wrong way....
-
I was told I'd be getting fired for being really small...
Being a human cannonball is great!
-
I have a buddy who was born with two left feet.....He always wears flip flips.
-
I do not understand why I was fired from my job at the suicide hotline..No one ever called back for more help. :cheers:
-
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman. This old lady asked "Cargo space"? And I said " Car no fly..Car go road" :friday
-
I tried to borrow a few Euros from a leprechaun in Dublin but he was a little short...
-
Anyone else find it interesting that ?Take Out? can mean food, dating, or murder. 1drink
Dating IS murder.
-
I've decided when the time comes I want someone to stand up at my celebration of life and say "plethora"
It would mean a lot to me... :friday
-
I've decided when the time comes I want someone to stand up at my celebration of life and say "plethora"
It would mean a lot to me... :friday
And if someone stood up and said "infinitesimal" it would mean very little to me. :roll:
-
Why did the sheep ignore the shepard...? Because he had herd it all before...
-
What's a sheep's favorite car... A Lamborghini
-
Why did the sheep ignore the shepard...? Because he had herd it all before...
Easy for ewe to say Jer! :-P
-
Good ol' Woody.....My dyed in the wool friend.....
-
🤔...I got fired from a job for eating chips ....No other casino would hire me either.... :cheers:
-
A screwdriver rolls into a bar....Bartender says "We have a drink named after you" ....Screwdriver says " You named a drink Phillip?" :friday
-
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop...
I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper Scissors...
-
What do you call a Phillipino origami artist??....A Manilla folder....
-
Met an American Indian in the bar last night... said his name was Boy...
Yep he was a Sioux named Boy :cheers:
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Why does a mermaid wear seashells... Because she outgrew her B-shells aktion086
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Pretty good one, John. :cheers:
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Dyslexic guy walks into a bra....Stayed for two cups.. :friday
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Speaking of which....I remember it taking 20 minutes to remove a gal's bra once. I probably should not have put it on in the first place... 1drink
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Did I mention I got fired from my job as chef for stealing kitchen equipment? It was a whisk worth taking.... :cheers:
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Had to give up on my plan to set up a business making work surfaces for kitchens... It was counterproductive
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I just read the population of Ireland's capital is growing rapidly
I think it's Dublin :cheers:
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Why is Frosty never late?....Because time waits for snowman.....
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What's the Grinch's least favorite band...The Who :friday
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🤔 Less reality, More jokes. I got stopped by a cop yesterday on my way home from dinner...He cited me for exceeding the feed limit.. 1drink
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How does Frosty change his bed?...With a sheet of ice and blanket of snow... 1drink
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Never spell part backwards...It's a trap...
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Bought a pair of gloves and they are both lefts....On one hand they are fine...but on the other hand they are not right....
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I switched the labels on some of Linda's spices... I'm not in trouble yet... but the thyme is cumin.... :-o
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That will cost you Bob.....Thyme is money. :cheers:
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I don't have any spice jokes for the holidays....🤔. Oh well, Seasons Greetings.
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It warmed up here for a couple of days and flies were out in force... I called the cops, told them to send the SWAT team :roll:
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Been trying to help Don's (Salt27) kid Gus (Little Puke) with his camping addiction... he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet :laugh:
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Been trying to help Don's (Salt27) kid Gus (Little Puke) with his camping addiction... he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet :laugh:
That is no joke! :roll:
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I just learned that Einstein was a real person.....I thought he was just a theoretical physicist.
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Hey Jerry there are folks in the Mediterranean that never get up early....
Heard Dawn was really tough on Greece :roll:
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Just had to slip that in the back door didn't you Bob....
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You're such a dirty bugger Jer! :evil:
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You're such a dirty bugger Jer! :evil:
Yeah, but he'd never leave his buddy's behind... :naughty aktion086
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My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey :friday
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I almost took a part time job at our local Indian restaurant... until they wanted me to sign a paper saying I wouldn't share their secret flatbread recipe with anyone.... I didn't sign their naan disclosure agreement
:cheers:
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What does a turtle do during a blizzard??..It seeks shell-ter
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What do you call a female turtle...
A clitortoise lol8
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I met a lumberjack who told me he cut down 46,748 trees in his career...I asked how he knew exactly and he said "I kept a log"
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Same guy got fired for cutting down too many trees.....He saw too much....
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But he was a cut above the rest...
Although I heard a tree he was supposed to cut down was in love with him.... it fell hard :cheers:
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Sure Bob....But he still got the axe. I will log off now. 1drink
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At least he didn't uproot the tree's entire life. Sure, there were a few broken limbs, but the tree was eventually able to lumber along. :roll: :laugh:
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Told my brother in law not to mount a ceiling fan with masking tape....Then it hit him.
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Not all construction work is equally enjoyable...
For instance, drilling a large hole is boring, but fastening two pieces of metal together is riveting
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Neighbor asked to borrow some money to make a car payment... told him I couldn't help.... It's OK now...
He's back on his feet :cheers:
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That reminds me of the one about the prostitute who was too ill to work, and a little short of cash.
She asked a friend, "can you lend me a little money until I get back on my back again?"
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I just looked back on the last couple of weeks jokes hoping they might make me laugh again...
No pun in ten did... :cheers:
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Which bear is the most condescending...A pan-duh :naughty
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My website crashed again....Better call a URL-ologist.....
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Decided to give my racing goose to a new home....Let me know if you want to take a quick gander.....
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We met a German girl at the brewery yesterday, Ross asked for her number... seems like took him forever, maybe she didn't speak much English but he finally got it..... 9...9...9...9...9...9...9
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If you don't like the road you are headed down don't complain to me.... it's your own asphalt :cheers:
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If anyone is interested in my goose....He speaks Portugeese
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Had a wild goose once! :-o
Two inches off center! :-P
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I think Patti has early onset dementia.....Twice in the last day she said she can't remember what she ever saw in me... 🤔
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What do you call a goose that's really fast...A speedgoose
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How did the goose get so fast???? Lots of eggcersize
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I have a racing goose for sale...
Let me know if you wanna take a quick gander 1drink
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🤔......Bad echo in here.....
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In honor of our recent trip to Morgan City, Louisiana.....I played poker with an alligator and only lost one hand..... :friday
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The difference between Al Bundy and Donald Trump is that Al Bundy can sell shoes in New York :roll:
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Yo John.....Joe Biden met with his cabinet today...he also talked to a bookcase and argued with a desk.....no joke, true story. 1drink
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Why did the fish swim to the river bank??? He wanted to withdraw his fins...
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I like rivers...I am live streaming one now...
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(q)How many dementia sufferers does it take to change a light bulb??.... (A)To get to the other side.
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Patti told me she would rather kill herself than live with dementia.....I reminded her that she had told me that 5 times.... :friday
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Never loan money to a friend....It causes memory loss.
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A circus clown died.....All of his friends rode to his funeral in the same car...
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Guy walks into work and his employer tells him that since he called in sick with Coronavirus he has to be tested before he can return. Guy says "I said nothing about a virus...I said I had a case of Corona and wouldn't be in...."
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Saw some baguettes at the zoo.... I guess they were bread in capitivity
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I accidentally got some ketchup in my eyes yesterday,.
My wife says I now have excellent Heinz sight.
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I must be getting old.....a buddy called at 9 p.m. and the first thing he said was.."Hope I didn't wake you.." 1drink
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There is a big bird sitting on my deck and he seems to be in a bad mood....I wonder if he has irritable owl syndrome..🤔
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Is he raven about it Jer? :-P
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Woody....He squawks 3 times....Nevermore. 1drink
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My bird doesn't sing... he just hums along :friday
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My welding machines all hum.....guess they don't know the words. :dhorse:
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What do you call a deaf, mute and blind woman that commits murder?? Helen Killer...( I'll go to my room now) :cheers:
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Best way to cook alligator?....In a crock pot.
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Hey Jerry... ever notice how much your life is like toilet paper... just when you think you're on a roll you end up taking $hit from some @sshole
:cheers:
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Just got a book in the mail... The Ultimate Chick Guide.... thought it would be interesting reading until I noticed it was from Tractor Supply :?
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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
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When chickens get sick, what kind of soup do they eat?
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When I was a little boy, I used to be afraid of the dark...
Now as an adult, I see the electric bill and I'm afraid of the light!
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I was going to make pancakes, then I wasn?t, then I was, then I wasn?t.
Now it looks like I?m just waffling
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A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, ?Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies??
?Really?? he says. ?Have you tried a good mouthwash??
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Did you know that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome?
Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.
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So, these murder hornets.
Do you have to send them a list of names or what?
How does that work?
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I?m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet just to mess with myself when I get Alzheimers.
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Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.