Jon, base 'em on true stories - you've already posted half of it - try this . . .
"Given the snow we've had this week, a lot of folks have been putting their snow tires on. There's an old farmer's trick - and not a lot of people know this anymore - but it helps keep the bolts on your wheels from rusting up in the winter.
The trick is this - if you take a little paraffin or bees wax, and you put it on the lugs of your snow tires, they won't rust up. So next July when the snow melts, you'll be able put your summer tires back on for a couple of weeks without having to deal with rusty bolts.
Now some of you know my wife, Nancy. She works in the hardware department at Lowes. (wait for the wild applause from all of the friends who will undoubtedly be accompanying you to die down)
Before the snow fell, an old farmer came in, and was looking around the department. It was clear he wasn't finding what he was looking for, so Nancy approached him and asked, 'May I help you?'
And the old farmer said, 'Yes, I need nut wax!'
So Nancy kicked him in the balls - twice."
If you want to string the story out a little longer, you could tag it with -
"So as the old farmer was doubled over on the floor, Nancy asked, 'Is there anything else I can help you with?'
And the farmer asked - in extreme pain, and with great difficulty - 'Menards had the same thing, and it's not what I was looking for. How do I get to Home Depot?'"