1. When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, essentially you become a vacuum cleaner.
2. If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive, eventually they would find me attractive.
3. I just read that 4,328,893 people got married last year. Hmmmm, shouldn’t that be an even number?
4. A woman almost hit me while I was driving to work this morning.
She changed lanes without paying attention because she was putting on makeup!
I was so upset, I almost dropped my doughnut, cell phone, and razor while steering with my knees.
5. A sign in front of a bar reads: Come in and meet your future ex-wife.
6. What is the difference between an onion and an accordion? Nobody cries when you chop up an accordion.
7. The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
8. “I have found, by my own investigation, the internet contains an abundance of quotations by the famous which cannot be verified.” – Abraham Lincoln
9. How many substitute teachers does it take to change a light bulb? None – they just leave it dark and show a movie.