Stupid joke FRIDAY

[USFRAMONTE]

What do you call epileptic lettuce?
Seizure salad.

[JustaRacer]

I'm to that point in life where I can remember the firing order of engine I haven't owned for 30 years, but can't remember why I went into the garage.

Not sure that is a joke, but seems fitting.

[olepaw]

I can relate ,I can remember part numbers from 20 years ago,but did I lock that door?
back to the the plot if my aunt had balls would she be my uncle?

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Close - -
It goes like this:

"Balls", said the Queen.  "If I had them I'd be King".

[JustaRacer]

See if you can find the punchline:

[Stainless1]

Guess he went down in History..... 

[SaltRat]

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.   


Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.


Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.


Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of  New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on  Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in  Phoenix . 

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med  School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .   

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Attention joke posters.  It's Saturday and this coming Wednesday (the ninth of January) is the first 2013 meeting of the Marquette Range Engineers Club.  The Club is an organisation of professional engineers and such types that gathers monthly to see a presentation on something technical, like the new underground nickel mine being set up thirty miles north of Marquette, or the aluminum extrusion firm that's near here, or - this coming meeting - a wind power generation business & farm being set up here.  I'm president of the Club, and am re-elected over and over because I always have a few jokes to tell during the meeting.  Most of the jokes I've harvested from this site's "humor" topics.  Salt Rat's joke (directly above this post) will be a fine one for the group - - but I need two more, please.  They should be story jokes (or at least I prefer that type over one-liners) that are sanitisable (in case we've got women at the meeting - although the women engineers are usually well-versed in the somewhat crude language of the engineering and technical world).

There -- that's what I need.  Let's see what you can offer up for me.  I'll gladly make complete attribution for the originator of each joke I use, althoug I expect that the guys in the Engrs Club don't give a hoot about whom it is from which I got the joke.  They just like laughing.  And if they laugh -- they'll re-elect me.  And that's a big laugh for me since my BA is in "Liberal Arts" - albeit from an engineering university.  And the benefits of being President of the Engineers Club include (include?  Hey, there's only one benefit) -- I get to go first to the buffet table when it's time to eat.  That's why I want good jokes -- 'cause I'm usually pretty hungry and don't care to wait my turn.

[SaltRat]

If you use that joke, don't forget to send me a quarter.


I'll owe it to someone . . . .

[4-barrel Mike]

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life.

A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral… I'm a proctologist."

[johnneilson]

I just want to be cremated and put into my wife douche, so I can be run through one more time.........

will not be offended if removed from site.......

[Steve Walters]

I've done a little MC'en myself Jon, here is a good one for that.

A pastor at a local church put an add in the paper for a bell ringer before sunday services.

A man with no arms showed up for the job, bewildered the pastor questioned his ability to do the job with no arms, the man said give me a try you won't be disappointed.

Sunday morning the man went up to the foyer and placed his face over the railing and gave the bell a push, before long the sound of beautiful music rang out across the valley beckoning the parisheners to church.

Just as the congregation gathered filling the church to capacity, the bell ringer got of key and went over the railing and fell to his death.

The pastor cryed out oh, what shall I do, I never event got the mans name, doe's anyone know the unfortunate man?

One of the parisheners walked up and said,

I don't know his name, but his, (face rings a bell).   

Several days pass and a man walks in and says that he would like to ring the bells for the deceaced bell ringers funeral.

He told the pastor that the bell ringer was his brother and he learned to ring the bells from him.

The pastor happy to get the oppertunity at hand forgot to get the man, and his brothers name.

At the funeral the air was again filled with the sweet sound of music from the bells.

But as luck would have it the bell ringers brother got of rythem and also went over the hand rail to his death.

The pastor upset realized the forgotten names and again asked if anyone knew the two?

The same man walks up and says I didn't get his name, but he is, (a dead ringer for his brother).   

Steve


     

[Stainless1]

None of these belong on the SJF thread.... but just to help you out Jon...

 An old engineer is getting his annual physical... the doc gives him a clean bill of health and asks if he has any questions.
 The guy says... when I was 20 my Willy was so stiff I couldn't bend it 10 degrees with both hands, when I was 30 I could bend 10 degrees with both hands, when I was 40 I could bend it 30 degrees with both hands, when I was 50 I could bend it 30 degrees with one hand, when I was 60 I  could bend it 30 degrees with 2 fingers....
The doc nods his head and the old engineer asks... so doc how much stronger do you think I'm gonna get?
 

[Seldom Seen Slim]

I'd tell you that I had to explain that one to Nancy -- but that might be an invitation to wondering about her strength or something.

[Steve Walters]

Ok Jon, here is another story joke.

You can use a variation of young girls that will suit your situation, such as a youg yooper girl, or young french canadian girl, what ever, here in Idaho a young mormon girl fits the jest quite nicely.  Pick a man out of the group that is fun and popular, tell everybody

 (I bet you didn't know this about Fred, in his younger days he was on the olympic rowing team).

Fred became quite smitten with a beautiful young mormon girl from Brigham Young Univercity.

Unfortunatly so was a young Russian rower, and a young Cuban rower.

The girl loved to sail, so she told the three that they could all four go sailing, and the one who impressed her the most would get a date with her.

While out in the sail boat the Russian reached into his duffel bag and brought out a bottle of vodka, he took one drink and threw the rest of the bottle overboard.

Being from Idaho Fred did not understand the reasoning, and asked why did you do that?

Trying to impress the mormon girl he said, in Russia we have so much of the worlds greatest vodka we just take one drink and throw the rest away.

Fred thought to himself this guy doesn't know how to impress mormon girls.

Then the Cuban reached into his duffel bag and pulled out a Cuban havana cigar, he took one puff and threw the cigar overboard.

Again Fred being from Idaho did not understand, why did you do that Fred asked.

Trying to impress the mormon girl the Cuban replied, in Cuba we have so many fine cigars we just take one puff and throw the rest away.

Fred thought for a second, then grabbed the mormon girl gave her a big kiss, and then threw her overboard.   

Steve