Landracing Forum
Humor -- stories, links, etc -- may not be right for kids to read! => THE place for (what you think is) funny stuff. => Topic started by: floydjer on March 28, 2010, 12:24:07 PM
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Thought we could use a place for "Words to live by" So, Here goes..............." Body odor is nature`s alarm clock, and I think my neighbor has been hitting the snooze button" :cheers:
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From "The Art of Racing in the Rain":
"That which you manifest is before you"
"Somewhere, the zebra is dancing"
and my favorite,
"Those monkey-thumbs were meant for dogs. Give me my thumbs, you fu**ing monkeys!"
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The prefix of "Success" is "Sucks".
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"Gravity is a myth. In reality -- the entire Earth sucks."
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:-o "Life is an overflowing toilet bowl, and people but pieces of s--- clinging to the sides." ( This is NOT one of my quotes, just thought I'd share it tho! Crow
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Politically-Freedom is not the lack of Justice but the proper use of justice.
Socially-We don't buy em we just sell em, we don't eat em we just smell em.
Engine building-Throw it up in the air, if it comes back down it's too heavy.
Bonneville car building-If you can throw it up in the air it's too light.
Life in general-If it can't kill ya, it can't thrill ya.
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There is a quote attributed to Hemingway but probably authored by Ken Purdy.
There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing, and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.
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There are two kinds of fools in the world:
Those who loan tools, and
Those who return them.
:cheers:
Mike
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'I`d rather have a bottle in front of me ,Than a frotal lobotomy" :cheers: (USED to live by that one)
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Corporate management is like a cesspool. The big chunks tend to rise to the top.
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"I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution."
Wernher von Braun
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
Wernher von Braun
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It's Bonneville....miracles happen!!
Lynda
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Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
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Making good decisions comes from experience which comes from making poor decisions.
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:-o No!!!! It wasn't hot!!! It just doesn't take me long to look at my welds! (Personal experience!)
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Making good decisions comes from experience which comes from making poor decisions.
Bad decisions have a long shelf life...
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all it takes is TLC a truck load of cash
terry
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it doesnt take 5years to build a roadster
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Of all the things I`ve lost,...I miss my mind the most :cheers:
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It's either "Yes" or "No", but it can't be both, despite the fact that it usually is.
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"For a dollar each you two got true love. We just got screwed."
Ok, I suppose you really had to be there, but it's to good of a line to pass up.
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Why is it there is never enough time to do it right the first time but always time to do it right the second time...........
Advice from a respected mentor years ago.
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From my father-- "you want fair? the state fair comes in october."
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"Murphy was an optimist"
"Never let the facts get in the way of a good story"
Will
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"if it wasn't for the last minute, when would anything get done?"
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Sort of misquoted here, insert names as appropriate.
"Nobody goes faster than Sparky."
"I ain't nobody, dork."
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It's what you learn after 'you know it all' that counts!
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Friends will come, and friends will go,and friends will peter -out,you know/ But we`ll be friends through thick or thin,peters out or peters in. :evil:
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You can make things happen...
You can watch things happen...
or you can stand around and wonder what just happened.
Try not to be in the third group.
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"The problem with options is that they require decisions." - Slim Licketysplit
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We do it nice, cause we do it twice...
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It's not how fast you go, it's how you go fast.
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Madness takes it`s toll...Please have exact change :cheers:
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Nothing/No one is completely worthless, it/they can always serve as a bad example.
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“It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.” Henry David Thoreau
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Don`t be "That guy on youtube"
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Nothing/No one is completely worthless, it/they can always serve as a bad example.
My 9th grade science teacher said that nearly every day.... followed my something like, "Ya don't wanna end up like Covington, here - do ya?".
(Covington was the prototypical a-hole/dum#shit/loser)
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Nothing screws up a good plan in a worse way than excessive thinking.
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Every person can teach you something--even if it's only patience.
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Never grow old with an old car.
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I don't understand all I know about _ _ _ _ _ .
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The problem is that some the facts we know simply aren't true....
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I knew more at 16 than I do at 50 :?
terry
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I knew more at 16 than I do at 50 :?
terry
I did more at 16 than I did at 50,,,,, hey wait,,, I ain't 50 yet !!! give me 22 months and I will report back
(just feeling older the last few months)
Charles
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Every day we learn more and more about less and less so we'll end up knowing everything about nothing! :?
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You don't say..?
:mrgreen:
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:? He didn't! Crow.
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There is no "I" in team, But there are four in " Platitude quoting Idiot" :cheers:
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One from Helen Keller--"Security is mostly a superstition. It is not found in nature nor do the children of men as whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer, in the long run, than outright exposure. Life is daring adventure or nothing at all."
I'm much too old to act this damn young.
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One of my former coaches said . . . "It is better to act like a winner when you don't win than to act like a loser when you do win"
Sign over a door. . ."All who pass through here bring joy. . . Some when they enter and some when they leave."
Sign in a classroom. . . "You have the right to remain silent. Please do."
What an Army drill instructor said to me and 4 others our first day in the service . . . "You five! . . half of you come with me."
On the ability to remember stuff . . ."My recall is perfect. I can't remember the last time my memory failed."
Old Cobra Gunship Pilot during the Vietnam war - "There are two kinds of people . . . some are Gunship Pilots and all the rest are Targets"
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"Build it, Race it, Break it, Fix it"
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"You guys could break an anvil with a feather in a sand box!"
-----parts manufacturer to TAD crew----
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There are 10 types of people in the world.... those who understand binary and those who don't :? :?
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"You guys could break an anvil with a feather in a sand box!"
-----parts manufacturer to TAD crew----
My machinist once told me I could break a bowling ball in a rubber room..................
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I used to be indecisive.....I`m not sure if I still am.............................
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I thought I had mono once....turns out I was just bored.
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It worked before I fixed it.
You don't have to build a swimming pool to prove that bowling balls don't float.
I drive better when I'm drunk.
The older I get , the faster I was.
From my dad;" Don't worry son , some day you'll ride a Harley and your balls will drop , your voice will change and you'll start liking girls".
Also from dad; "If your gonna work for a living you better find somthing you like to do because you will be doing that for the rest of your life"
One day while I was trying to get stuff done at the shop my dad walked in with the carb off of his boat and he wanted me to go threw it for him , "like right now". Later I was teling a good freind who's dad had passed away years ago , about how my dad had took over my day that way and he told me" I wish my dad could walk into my shop" Since then those were words to live by.
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Some funny and thought provoking racing quotes I found:
If everything seems to be in control, you're not going fast enough. - Mario Andretti
Guys, you can date whomever you want, but marry a girl who can back up a trailer. - Michael Martin Murphy
It is more fun to drive a slow car fast than to drive a fast car slow. - Abner Perney
Better to be a racer for a moment then a spectator for a lifetime.
to the wheels on the bus song: A Mazda on its roof goes "wooz wooz wooz"
DNF beats DNS.
The ideal race car will expire 100 yards past the finish line. -Stirling Moss
You can't make a race horse out of a pig. But if you work hard enough at it you can make a mighty fast pig. - Bob Akin
We all have one thing in common: the relentless pursuit of grip.
If I had all the money I'd spent on cars ... I'd spend it all on cars. - Scott Fisher
Racing is the process of turning money into noise.
Racing costs today exactly the same as it did twenty years ago ... it takes every penny you have.
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It is important to relax your muscles whenever possible. To relax your brain is fatal. -- Sterling Moss
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Sign in my machine shop.......... WE PUT YOUR WORK BEFORE EVERONE who comes in after you.
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That is .. WE PUT YOUR WORK BEFORE EVERYONE
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One from my dad-"If you're gonna be dumb, you better be tough."
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Crew Chief talking with driver in an effort to explain an engine failure to the car owner/sponsor.
Crew Chief: now driver what exactly happened?
Driver: Well I dumped the clutch and the bit*h hooked real hard off the line, when I grabbed 2nd. gear she lit the tires up and over revved the motor, then next thing I know BOOM !! the engine blew up and scattered parts everywhere.
Owner to Crew Chief: now Chief, you know I don't understand all those technical and mechanical terms you all use, but what exactly did "your driver" do to "my" car.
Crew Chief to Owner: Well you see the car launched real well off the line and then as the weight transferred forward the driver was shifting into second gear the rear tires experienced a very sudden and unexpected extreme loss of adhesion. This was so violent and sudden it caused the engine to exceed the safe limits of the RPM range and as such the Block was unable to contain all of it's internal parts.
CV
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Then the MF puked.
FREUD
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Crew Chief talking with driver in an effort to explain an engine failure to the car owner/sponsor.
Crew Chief: now driver what exactly happened?
Driver: Well I dumped the clutch and the bit*h hooked real hard off the line, when I grabbed 2nd. gear she lit the tires up and over revved the motor, then next thing I know BOOM !! the engine blew up and scattered parts everywhere.
Owner to Crew Chief: now Chief, you know I don't understand all those technical and mechanical terms you all use, but what exactly did "your driver" do to "my" car.
Crew Chief to Owner: Well you see the car launched real well off the line and then as the weight transferred forward the driver was shifting into second gear the rear tires experienced a very sudden and unexpected extreme loss of adhesion. This was so violent and sudden it caused the engine to exceed the safe limits of the RPM range and as such the Block was unable to contain all of it's internal parts.
CV
Owner to Owner's wife --
"Honey, where's the checkbook?"
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit....Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit salad.
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Here is one to NOT live by.... these are actual famous last words by our sometimes crew chief from about 10 years ago... "Naw, Naw..... the car WON'T qualify for the record!..... We are just going out for a tune-up pass-We don't need to get the gas tank sealed!"......
and an hour later the car ran 3 miles per hour over the record with an UNsealed gas tank.....
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Oldy but goody: Arguing with the Tech guy is like wrestling a pig in the mud. You're not going win, and only one of you is going to enjoy the experience.
Tip for successful engine operation: Always make sure the tach needle enters the redzone from the left side.
Life begins at 50. PSIG that is.
There is no such thing as too much traction. It just means you need more power.
Always put "check fasteners" on the checklist. Especially for the loose nut behind the wheel.
The most common method of weight reduction involves the lightening of the wallet.
At every point in a project there comes a time to shoot the engineer and just finish the dang thing.
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From Gordon Hoyt the first time I ran one of his motors. "Dallas, a race motor only lives for a limited amount of runs, Try not to F#CK any of them up...ok"
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I'm worried I don't have anything to worry about.
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On Hoyt's dash board (the car that crashed) it said SH*T HAPPENS.
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And then the old standard that is in hundred's of shops all over the country...
Gasoline is for washing parts.
Alcohol is for drinking.
Nitro makes cars go FAST.
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There is a quote attributed to Hemingway but probably authored by Ken Purdy.
There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing, and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.
No, it actually is Hemingway from "The Sun Also Rises"
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There is a quote attributed to Hemingway but probably authored by Ken Purdy.
There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing, and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.
No, it actually is Hemingway from "The Sun Also Rises"
Chris, I don't think so. Hemingway gets credit for the quote, but I believe it was actually Purdy, in Blood Sport.
I'd sure like to hear the passage from "The Sun Also Rises"
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Even a broke clock is right twice a day.
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Bonneville Racing. The sheer joy of spending every dime you've got, racing for nothing but glory. David Freiburger in HRM
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" I built this bike so you and your brother won't have to change my diapers some day "
We just finished the 1000cc mpbf bike to be run at Speedweek this year.
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The gasoline is so bad here, it pings when you wash parts with it
G
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It was faster on the trailer.
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Those who said it cannot be done, should not stand in the way of those who are already doing it!
It's not how good you look going there, its how cool you look getting there!
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Your toolbox needs only two tools: WD40 and duct tape.
If what you're working on doesn't move, but should -- use the WD40.
If it does move and it shouldn't -- use the duct tape.
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The cost of building a Bonneville car can be estimated very accurately before work starts.
"Everything you make minus 10% to live on"
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I've no idea what the answer is but I really admire the problem.
Robin
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Some like women with long legs, Some like women with short legs.......I`m happy with something in between............................... :wink:
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We have enough gun control...How `bout some idiot control???
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How about adding some chlorine to the gene pool.........
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The first hat cost a fortune
"The second hat is only ten dollars" by DW
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Life is like a S#it sandwhich
the more bread you have the less S#it you have to eat.
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" land speed racing is like throwing money in a cash toilet and flushing it"........... Me, I think...... Bob (but I love it......) :cheers: :cheers:
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Hey Bob, ya know if it has tits or wheels sooner or later it will be a problem....
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Someone once told me that "The smoke is not going all the way up your chimney"... I wonder what that means? :?
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Speed is limited by the law of cubes.
Cubic Inches and Cubic Dollars.
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Smitty, if you are talking about the 60's or 70's, I plead Guilty.............. Bob
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:-o A recent quote from a friend, "Your nuttier than a squirrel turd!" Hope he wasn't infering that I,,,,,hmmmmm
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"You can never have too much fuel, unless you are on fire."
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Back in the 60's I watched Gene Romero win an AMA national race and blew away the field.
They interviewed his tuner and said the bike and rider couldn't be more perfect.
He said:
"You are absolutely wrong. Perfect is when you win by lapping the field twice. As the bike crosses the finish line you run out of gas, the frame breaks in two, the engine explodes and the rider dies of exhaustion. That's perfect"
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Back in the 60's I watched Gene Romero win an AMA national race and blew away the field.
They interviewed his tuner and said the bike and rider couldn't be more perfect.
He said:
"You are absolutely wrong. Perfect is when you win by lapping the field twice. As the bike crosses the finish line you run out of gas, the frame breaks in two, the engine explodes and the rider dies of exhaustion. That's perfect"
That's funny as a rubber crutch.
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It`s a small world, But I still wouldn`t want to paint it...............
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Its even funnier if the crutch has a wheel on the end of it.
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If all is not lost...Where is it??
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:-o "If you think youve got IT all together,,,,,,What's that all around IT?"
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Monday seems like a poor way to spend 1/7 th of your life.................
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I discovered a truth of life last Sunday at a charity event held at Malibu Vineyards.
If you hold a party for 300-350 people on your front lawn and are able to announce that the entertainment is now appearing in the 'upper' ampitheater - you have arrived.
Hell - I don't even have a lower ampitheater!
DW
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I'm not hampered by the lack of a structure.....I don't have 300-500 friends.
I'll drink to that.
FREUD
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For those of you that still think that pi are square. BS. Pi are round --- corn bread are square. The Wonderful One
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I LOVE short quotes, easier for me to remember! :mrgreen:
Mike
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"You didn't turn 180 you idiot, you are reading the heat gauge"
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Words to live by! :-D
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If you haven`t grown up by 50.........You don`t have to.
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" if stupid was against the law - you'd be in jail."
franey
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Why is is that the key to success doesn`t fit any of the locks I own ???? :?
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Why is is that the key to success doesn`t fit any of the locks I own ???? :?
Jerry, I don't know if this answers the question, but it does give insight -
the prefix of "Success" is "Sucks".
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MM.....And you must suck and suck until you succeed................................... :wink:
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BTW: Years ago I caught holy heck from the PC thought police for putting this on my corporate email signature line! :evil:
"We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic" David Russell :-o
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"I fear not Tojo, Hitler, nor Mussolini, for I have American Iron and will smite thee with 16 deadly pushrods!"
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I`m not afraid of juggling...................i just don`t have the balls to try it...
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Life is much simpler when you plow around the stumps. :cheers:
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heard that on TV yesterday!
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Life is like a supermarket. You can choose anything you like but when you get to the check out you gotta pay!.
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" You`re as useful as Amish tech support" :cheers:
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The only substitute for good manners are quick reflexes.
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Earth, is an intergalactic insaneasylum.
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There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing, and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.
I believe it goes, "If you can't die...It aint a sport!
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There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing, and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.
I believe it goes, "If you can't die...It aint a sport!
That's a quote from Ernest Hemmingway....
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"Indecision, the key to flexibility. . . . . ."
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I've always wondered what "procrastination" means, but I keep putting off looking it up.
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"Indecision, the key to flexibility. . . . . ."
I don't know - let me get back to you on that . . .
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Nothing is fool-proof to a determined fool
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If you don't know where you are going,how will you know when you get there ?
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" That kid is so stupid, He could spend an hour counting his nuts and get a different number every time" :cheers:
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Even a blind squirrell finds a nut every now and then.
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"A problem well stated is a problem half solved." Charles F. Kettering
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Never buy a car you can't push.
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Never marry a woman that can`t back-up a trailer
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We have enough gun control...How about more idiot control?
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If all is not lost....Where is it??
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the fish dont wait for speedweek . ( alaska fisherman 17 yrs )
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There are two theories as to the best way to win an arguement with a woman.....................Neither of them work.
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All men get heavier as they age...It`s from the additional knowledge stored in our brains ( My story, I`m sticking to it )
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It is always darkest before dawn....So if you`re going to steal the neighbors newspaper..That`s the time to do it :cheers:
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Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.
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Just be happy you`re not getting all the government you`re paying for ( Will Rogers)
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Pun....The lowest form of humor. Especially if you don`t say it first. Ambrose Bierce, " The Devils Dictionary" :cheers:
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Nothing says " Poor workmanship" like wrinkles in duct tape. :cheers:
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"Piston Broke" :-D
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You can learn alot about a woman`s mood by looking at her hands...If she`s holding a gun?/ She`s probably mad about something.... :cheers:
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I have no idea how I posted that in two threads at once.................
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But...I`ve decided not to plan my days in advance ......." Premeditated' gets used in court too often as it is..................................
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I have no idea how I posted that in two threads at once.................
The second one was 7 minutes 3 seconds after the one above. Do you remember what you had for breakfast? :mrgreen:
Mike
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Coffee and a joint? :-D :roll: :cheers:
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On being a pro . . .
The longer you take to make the decision, the longer it will take to implement.
Conversely, backtracking on a bad decision also wastes time.
In the end, you are either proactive or you procrastinate.
So even if you act like a pro, the paint will STILL be wet when you put the car on the trailer.
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No one has ever called from Las Vegas just to say " Hi " :cheers:
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You may not get what you pay for, but you always pay for what you get.
Why worry about death; it'll come sooner or later.
Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines. – Enzo Ferrari
Auto racing began 5 minutes after the second car was built. – Henry Ford
The crashes people remember, but drivers remember the near misses. – Mario Andretti
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I still stand behind my previous statement
G
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Always give the toughest job to the laziest employee...He`ll find a better way to do it quicker.
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Thanks Jerry, for demonstrating where to post what...
I thought the Friday thread had taken a bad turn, then you got it back on track.... and then you posted a non-Friday type post where it goes....
Posted Previously by me, but worthy of this thread....
When I drink, everybody buys :cheers:
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famous last words....." You don`t have the b*lls to pull that trigger"
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You know....when i was a kid, You could walk down to the corner store..get a couple cans of coke, a candy bar or two and a comic book and still have money in your pocket. Can`t do that today...Too f`n many security cameras....................
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:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
Jerry!!!!
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Tomorrow night the Lowe's Hoes (as the girls call themselves) and I are going to a comedy club. We know this place always starts out with an open mike session, so I've got a few that I've culled from here that I'll try on that audience. if you've got one that's really great -- needs to be a story-type joke, not a one liner, please -- post it here even though it's not necessarily a quotation.
Oh, yeah -- speaking of quotations. . . The other day I engraved about 200 Mason jar-type been glasses for a local pub/bowling alley. Each of the glasses had one (of four) quotes on it.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. Kaiser Wilhelm
There's no such thing as a bad beer. It's that some taste better than others. Billy Carter
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your moth shut. Ernest Hemingway
I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth they can be depended upon to meet and national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer. Abraham Lincoln
I can't find them in my photo file, but you can see a sample on the Kudos Laser Facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/kudoslaser
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Th..th..this is a gr..gre...great j...j...joke.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aweaoakyK8
Should bring down the house if you can do it krecklie
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Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. Kaiser Wilhelm
I had no idea that Augusta Victoria was a teetotaler . . .
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Jim, I enjoyed Mel Tillis back then - and now, too. But the way the video ends leaves quite a bit of room for interpretation or ad libbing my own ending. Yeah, the foot in the grave is a good lead to the punchline -- but I'll have to work on it for a while before I can use it.
Understand that I want to have good audience reaction for my "jokes". There'll be three of us up there, one at a time, and the winner -- the one that gets the most applause -- winds a big pitcher of beer. I want the girls that are with me to have that to enjoy - so I can enjoy driving them home. :evil: :evil:
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Yeah, the end is a bit weak. I first heard it on XM Radio on a comedy channel and it went a bit further, I thought, with Mel finishing it off.
Good Yuk with your presentation.
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Sure tell that racing season and now into the silly season, :-D
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This isn't quite a quotation, but it is kind of silly. It's a song written by G.F. Handel, titled "Happy We". Take a listen - especially to the words. They're appropriate for a Friday morning with the approach of the weekend.
http://cs536514.vk.me/u4809288/audios/b791bf8f0d57.mp3?extra=EbHnsKwGKqnrAJRyoA9UeDqCt4h0LQU9Nm4msC0V6R-M2Aq26axzpOLA0wE27hMB-wE2AEnY5_ZiTaQ39E0NP_wW-W_6Put4?dl=1
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"Page Not Found" Slim. I'd hate to go back and try and find where the slip up is. (long, complicated url)
Pete
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" Always carry a flask of whiskey in case of snake bite..And furthermore..always carry a snake" Claude William Dunkenfield
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My pharmacist asked for my birthdate again....I`ll bet she`s buying me a nice gift.....
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When ever I have a bad day , I just remember that some people are having babies..............
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duct tape can`t fix stupid...But it can muffle the sound............. :cheers:
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"I can explain it to you . . . . . BUT, I can't understand it for you."
:cheers:
F/B
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"I reserve and respect your right to remain stupid. I also reserve my right to ignore each and every thing you say."
Unfortunately, I'm using this a lot lately . . . . . .
:cheers:
F/B
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And, finally:
"I'm not arguing with you. I'm explaining why I'm right."
I don't use this one much anymore.
I prefer to use this: "Go argue with my laptop." Because it is a "disagreement ender."
I'm trying very hard to not "waste" my time and my oxygen, "arguing" with those who dismiss science as just theories, or a passing fad.
:cheers:
JeezI'mturningintoMr.Wilsonboy
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Stupid people are like glow sticks....They make me want to snap them in the middle and shake the sh*t out of them `til the light comes on.........
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I got a sweater for my birthday...I was hoping for a screamer..............
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I think a few gray hairs were a small price to pay for all of this wisdom.....................
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Ever feel that your job is useless and has no meaning?? Just remember..People go to work everyday installing turn signals on B.M.W`s :cheers:
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Ever feel that your job is useless and has no meaning?? Just remember..People go to work everyday installing turn signals on B.M.W`s :cheers:
Now, that made me laugh. :cheers:
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Each morning after you wake up..Eat a live toad. That way nothing worse can happen to you.... :cheers:
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talking with a woman is like being at a 3-D movie without the glasses...You know something is going on, But it is all blurry and it makes your head hurt....Now if you`ll excuse me...I have to vacuum the lower level, put in a load of laundry and start dinner.
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It's HEMI day!
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It's HEMI day!
March 92nd?
Mike
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I'm working on it . . .
maybe it's DeSoto?
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It's HEMI day!
March 92nd?
Mike
Why not - I'm 5' 16" !
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2nd Gen Hemi day..............
Ed
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I'm working on it . . .
maybe it's DeSoto?
LOL, March 92, first generation, 392. April 26, second generation, 426.
Sorry Stan, not DeSoto. I ordered the rods today.
Tom G.
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I was wondering what the date had to do with Peugeot...Since they had the first hemispherical chambered engine......... :cheers:
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I love this time of year - Happy Side Oiler Day!
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Rats
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A person once asked which book I would bring if I were dropped off on a deserted island.🤔 ....I think it would be a boat building book.
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A person once asked which book I would bring if I were dropped off on a deserted island.🤔 ....I think it would be a boat building book.
My choice would be a LOG book.
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A person once asked which book I would bring if I were dropped off on a deserted island.🤔 ....I think it would be a boat building book.
My choice would be a LOG book.
It wood??...Oak-ay