1. It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose…. what matters is whether I win or lose.
2. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
3. You Matter! Unless you accelerate to light speed, then… You Energy!
4. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn’t have the guts.
5. Did you hear about the guy who poisoned people’s Cheerios? He was a cereal killer.