That sounds like a great exercise program. :-)
I think I should switch to that instead of my "12oz Curls" routine ...
NAH!!!! :cheers:
With all due respects, I'd prefer one with a liquor store and a chrome shop.And a Ferrari dealership :cheers:
Mike
Not funny.
And remember what Abe Lincoln said,,,,, "If at first you don't suceed, Suck. suck, until you do suck seed!" (I dion't think he really said that, do you?) CrowThe prefix of "Success" is "Sucks"?
B. KlibanD#$@.....How soon you want the quarter??
:-o For some reason I had a "hard" time reading that last post! Crow
GENE TRACY?????......." I`ve been busier than a pair of jumper cables at a (fill in the blank)` funeral" :cheers:
GENE TRACY?????......." I`ve been busier than a pair of jumper cables at a (fill in the blank)` funeral" :cheers:
Busy? busier than a foster kid on fathers day!
sorry, it's not Friday... :roll:
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
Hmmm... That's an interesting thought. Start a Densa' Chapter! The hats will have propellers on the top and say Bubba Gump Shrimp Co...Pat, Try not to mention propellers....might conjure up an evil spirit. J.B.
Speaking of "cards", at the last presidential election the nice girl at the poll asked me for I.D. w/ picture. I handed her my conceiled hand gun permit. Could have cut the tension with a knife. :cheers:
I recently changed the idler pulley on my wife's mini van. I am not making this up, the first instruction on the package said "Please turn off engine before installing".
Seriously, who on earth would try to change a pulley when the engine is running? I guess they would be easy to identify after the fact, and their nickname would be something like "stumpy"...
I recently changed the idler pulley on my wife's mini van. I am not making this up, the first instruction on the package said "Please turn off engine before installing".
Seriously, who on earth would try to change a pulley when the engine is running? I guess they would be easy to identify after the fact, and their nickname would be something like "stumpy"...
turn the motor off? what , do think I've got nothing better to do than walk all the way around to the front of the car and waste my energy twisting that stupid key?.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQhfcdQf1QA
by the way I had a packet of Portuguese coffee once that had instructions on the side ...step 3 "Get the cup not"......oh , OK ...I won't then :?
That's a belt change on a two pulley system with little tension on the belt (and probably only a 28-34HP motor). Try changing the pulley on the crank end while it's running (I'll even give you a week to do it) and I'll be mighty impressed!
Bennett Cerf lives.
Never mind, I probably can't say that here . . . .Go ahead.....I`ll read it
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the deer how to do it safely.
Anyone for grilled venison?
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer :cheers:
Little John the BaptistPretty sure that loud bumping noise is my Baptist mother rotating in her grave.(on the other hand, Her only son thought it was great) :cheers:
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! Cats don't like water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church!"
...also -- I don't spend much time at youtube -- only have gone there by following someone else's link to a video.
If Abe Lincoln was so honest,....Why are banks closed on his birthday???
I've heard this before....Except it wasn't God in the back seat; it was Hardy Allen....Everyone know Hardy is more well known than the Pope............................JDYou ain't foolin', JD. Wayno
Last night, I lost the local pub TRIVIA QUIZ by 1 point!
The last question was...
Where do most women have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer is "Africa."
Now Floyd,,Made your head hurt, didn`t it!! (and it`s Jerry)
Thats just darn right Wrong !!!!! :cheers:
Reminds me of the joke with the punch line........ well wash your hands real good and make me a cheeseburger.And a FINE joke that one is!!!! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:JB
boy how true that is..... i bought a old sprint car, my wife buys an Audi TT...... I get a dog, my wife buys a Hummer..... what i dont think is fair is she took all three in the divorce.... miss that dog.... true not a joke!
kent
boy how true that is..... i bought a old sprint car, my wife buys an Audi TT...... I get a dog, my wife buys a Hummer..... what i dont think is fair is she took all three in the divorce.... miss that dog.... true not a joke!
kent
No Subaru! The last bike I bought cost me a new diamond ring.
Monica Lewinsky turns 44.Ahh, the return of the human humidor.
Can you believe it?
:-o I think we all should ab stain with the Lewinski jokes!
:-o I think we all should ab stain with the Lewinski jokes!
Crow,
You are right, let's just let this blow over.
It looks like my crazy uncle in Red Bluff is finally off of his meds again: :cheers:
MURDER AT WALMART
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.
Uwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'
:mrgreen:
:-o All I get is a stiff neck!
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
Ever watch "Get Smart" ? Shoe Phone before cell phones LOL
Charles
(#1445) How to impress a man
Show up naked; Bring him chicken wings; Don't stand in front of the TV.
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
(scroll down..... .............)
"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"
How it should be done
Stolen from Jack Bogdansky's blog:
How it should be done
At a time when the nation could use some cheering up -- and the need for civility in discourse is on everyone's minds -- here is a collection, sent to us by a friend last week, of high-class insults:
...
At about 8:30 this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay afloat, because of the large backpack of illegal drugs he was wearing on his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. And, being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 PM and they still haven't responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
President Reagan said We win they lose. :-D
Now that's the correct answer. no pussy footing around like the current person filling that office. :roll:
The police respond to a domestic disturbance call and find a rather dead guy in a pool of blood....His wife is standing over his body, Holding a bloody golf club. Cop asks how many times she hit him and she says ..." Six, maybe seven........Put me down for five" :cheers:
Salt Rat , www.instantrimshot.com
This is the 50th anniversary of Wilt Chamberlains incredible 100 point game.
Wilt was reported to have slept with 13,000 women.
Wilt ran into Ronald Reagan in the bathroom at a fund raiser years ago.
Ronnie couldn't help but comment on the size.
"Wow is that big! Has it always been that size?"
Wilt said, "it's always been big, but I bang it on the bedpost to make it bigger."
A few days later back in the White House he remembered the conversation.
He started banging it on the bedpost.
Nancy shot up from the bed.
"Wilt is that you?"
No, no, no -- fine with the silly jokes, but too much with political/racial slurs. Sorry, but let's not have them.
English lesson for today. Oklahoma is not pronouned O-klahoma. It`s Okla-homa. There is a big gap in the middle. See? :cheers:
Perpetual motion machine! It's brilliant!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvRzWYCZ2e0
Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!” She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.:-D :-D :-D :-D
The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No baby, I don’t feel like it.” Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?” I said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either…
A one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
Do we really need two humor pages?Wait until I start my build diary.................................. :cheers:
FREUD
Jerry, I'll assume that the book didn't go back that far -- and that's why the young lad said that Ford didn't make cars back then. If it ain't in the book then it don't exist and never did - right?
Older than you, Mr. Pipsqueak. :-D
Laughed out loud at that one."The safety of steel, From the pedal to the wheel" eh Stan :cheers:
On another note - hmmmmmmmmm. Try fitting the '35 to '38 wheel cylinders on a Forty!
Reminds of the time I went to NAPA to get a belt for the drill press..........." I need a v-belt in this width, Onlt 1 1/2 - 2 inches longer" Counter guy " If you give me the make ,model and year...I can give you the exact replacement" Me..." It`s a 1937 Atlas Model 324 drill press" Counter guy..." How long did you need that" ? Me (being my usual smart a$$ self) " I`ll need it for a long time...It`s going on my drill press"
A Roman Soldier walks in to a bar, holds up two fingers and says " Five beers please"
My neighbor knocked on the front door at 3 this morning....................Fortunately I was still up practicing on my bagpipes................
I'm trying to figure out why they mine potash at the salt flats... shouldn't they move their operation to Colorado or Washington :roll:You're thinking of pot ash. Two words. :wink: Wayno
I'm trying to figure out why they mine potash at the salt flats... shouldn't they move their operation to Colorado or Washington :roll:Then they`d have to transport it...can`t use open trailers..Probably use reefers............
I'm trying to figure out why they mine potash at the salt flats... shouldn't they move their operation to Colorado or Washington :roll:Then they`d have to transport it...can`t use open trailers..Probably use reefers............
And they`d be double-jointedI'm trying to figure out why they mine potash at the salt flats... shouldn't they move their operation to Colorado or Washington :roll:Then they`d have to transport it...can`t use open trailers..Probably use reefers............
I'd bet the drivers name would be herb.
Jerry, that might be one toke over the line... :cheers:You hooked me with that one.....It was on a whole ` nother scale...........................
Jerry, that might be one toke over the line... :cheers:Like this? 8-) You want watch the Lawrence Welk one.
Jerry, that might be one toke over the line... :cheers:Like this? 8-) You want watch the Lawrence Welk one.
http://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=AuPHhZL6UY0ny4Q9n396opabvZx4;_ylc=X1MDMjAyMzUzODA3NQRfcgMyBGJjawM4ZzIwZDRoOTQ1c2ZzJTI2YiUzRDQlMjZkJTNENl94T1lIRnBZRUo5cjd4Q3M4STZTQVVMel9OQzhtU0l1RU1MaHctLSUyNnMlM0RlMiUyNmklM0Q5ZlFJYk1Ccl9oNDZBdmVFUU9YSQRmcgN5ZnAtdC0xNDUEZnIyA3NhLWdwBGdwcmlkA25IdHluaEZzUmZDYk5VWHguUVNaa0EEbl9zdWdnAzEwBG9yaWdpbgN3d3cueWFob28uY29tBHBvcwMxBHBxc3RyA09uZSB0b2tlIARwcXN0cmwDOQRxc3RybAMyMgRxdWVyeQNvbmUgdG9rZSBvdmVyIHRoZSBsaW5lBHRfc3RtcAMxMzgwMjM1ODM1OTc3?p=one+toke+over+the+line&toggle=1&cop=mss&ei=UTF-8&fr=yfp-t-145
Wunnerful, wunnerful. Turn off the bubble machine....
Wunnerful, wunnerful. Turn off the bubble machine....
Is THAT what that was -
I heard the gurgling sound, but after the smoke cleared, all I saw was Star Trek on the TV and a half eaten bag of Cheetos . . .
:-D
With Saint George and the Dragonet. :-D WaynoWunnerful, wunnerful. Turn off the bubble machine....
Is THAT what that was -
I heard the gurgling sound, but after the smoke cleared, all I saw was Star Trek on the TV and a half eaten bag of Cheetos . . .
:-D
Obviously, Stan Freeburg had been there.............
Dean, I didn't know there were any bad porn sites. :evil:www. ....Nevermind
Amazon drones! Ha!
The United States Postal Service responds!
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7936470528/h814D562D/)
A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition
of a dilemma?"
"The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an
example to illustrate that."
"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked
young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."
"Who are you going to turn your back on?"
And I thought I've been between a rock and a hard spot before :-o
Rouse
A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition
of a dilemma?"
"The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an
example to illustrate that."
"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked
young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."
"Who are you going to turn your back on?"
MECHANICSBURG, Ohio -- An Ohio man's family has fulfilled his dying wish — to be buried astride his beloved Harley-Davidson motorcycle encased in a see-through casket.
But it wasn't easy. The project required an extra-large cemetery plot to accommodate a Plexiglas casket for Billy Standley and his hulking custom-painted 1967 Electra Glide cruiser. Five embalmers worked to prepare his body with a metal back brace and straps to ensure he'll never lose his seat.
Standley's family said he'd been talking about it for years and liked to take people to the garage to show off the unusual casket his two sons had built for him. He told people he didn't just want to ride off to heaven, he wanted the world to see him do it in the big see-through box.
"He was a quirky man," daughter Dorothy Brown said. "But when it comes to us kids, he loved us, he raised us well and, of course, we wanted to help him."
The Dayton Daily News (http://bit.ly/1dS4hsq ) reported that Standley, of Mechanicsburg, west of Columbus, died of lung cancer Sunday at age 82. He was buried Friday.
Newspaper photos of the prepared casket showed Standley with his eyes closed astride the big bike. He was dressed in black leathers, a white helmet and glasses, his gloved hands grasping the handlebars.
Standley told his family his motorcycle helped him retain his sense of adventure after he settled down to raise four children, which was quite a compromise for the man who made his start at 13 as ranch hand and rodeo rider.
He started the project himself, buying three extra burial plots next to his wife, Lorna. His sons, Pete and Roy, fashioned the casket out of Plexiglas, reinforcing the bottom with wood and steel rods to handle the extra weight.
Enlisting the help of Vernon Funeral Homes, Standley ensured his funeral would be held outside, so all his biker friends could watch his final ride.
His family agreed the processional to the cemetery might be considered a little bizarre, even shocking.
"He'd done right by us all these years, and at least we could see he goes out the way he wanted to," Pete Standley said.
Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2014/01/31/3904702/ohio-man-will-be-buried-astride.html#storylink=cpy
Q: How many land speed racers does it take to open a bottle of beer?Hey Dean.....In the book of Genesis (the bible, not the rock band ) God states that "Obediant wives shall be found in all corners of the world" Then he made the world round. Probably still laughing about that one............... :cheers:
A: None. She better have that bottle open!
Are you referring to the "Seldom Seen" part of "Slim"?uhhh...............Yes :cheers:
So - you pull into the gas station after having a few beers - or maybe a bunch of beers. You stop at one of the pumps and look over beside you -- and wonder if maybe you should have taken the pledge after all:
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
I may be over thinking this...But, My doctor put me on a prescription that he says I`ll have to take for the rest of my life.....I just picked up the pills from the pharmacy and the bottle clearly says " No re-fills'
Da Bears
A guy walks into a bar wearing a BEARS jersey and carrying a little dog that is also wearing a BEARS jersey and a tiny BEARS helmet.
The guy says to the bartender, 'Can my dog and I watch the BEARS game here? My TV at home is broke and my dog and I want to see the game.'
The bartender replies, 'Normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar.
But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave.'
The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game.
Pretty soon the BEARS kick a field goal and the little dog jumps on the bar and walks down the bar giving everyone a high five.
The bartender says, 'Hey, that's cool! What does he do for a touch down?'
The guy answers, 'I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years.'
Hey midget,
What's worse?
Being Bears Blue? (Seminal NFL franchise with 9 NFL Championships and 26 Hall of Famers. Yeah I know GB has more championships, 13 and less Hall of Famers, 21.)
Or being Cubbie blue? (over a century long championship drought . . . . . .)
Ya play football with: a Helmet! Ya play baseball with: a cap . . . .
Just askin'
:cheers:
Neverbepackerboy
My neighbor cleaned up his yard, trimmed the trees and put all the stuff at the end of the driveway for the trash guy to pick up... came home to a note on the pile saying he needed to tie up the stuff or put it in garbage bags or they wouldn't take it. So he asked me for a little help packaging the stuff for the garbage truck.... I thought it was a nice job....
Only someone with a sick and twisted mind would do something like this.
I like it! :cheers:
I hereby award Stainless with two attaboys and a hearty giggle. Good job, man! :cheers: :cheers:what???.... No " Raisin Pie' you gray -bearded old saddle tramp ???? :cheers:
"Raisin pie"? WTF? I've heard of eating a "cream pie" before - but not raisin. Care to elucidate?
Exactly....also a jail-house delicacy...you ferment the left over raisins in your toilet tank and get wound up tighter than the E -string on a Laplander`s mandolin. :cheers:"Raisin pie"? WTF? I've heard of eating a "cream pie" before - but not raisin. Care to elucidate?
You would have to know Spider or have some old Easy Riders in the reading room :-D
My neighbor cleaned up his yard, trimmed the trees and put all the stuff at the end of the driveway for the trash guy to pick up... came home to a note on the pile saying he needed to tie up the stuff or put it in garbage bags or they wouldn't take it. So he asked me for a little help packaging the stuff for the garbage truck.... I thought it was a nice job....
Only someone with a sick and twisted mind would do something like this.
I like it! :cheers:
hey Bob...Here`s how I always leave the bedding after a hotel stay............
Stan, be careful. No calling people a schmuck on this site, please. I'd have to send you to the corporum cavernosa for a time out or until the swelling subsides.
[/quote I guess we saw that one coming.....................................
It's a prank not a joke but still made me laugh very heartily. This is the third one if you search youtube the second one is pretty good too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPyYK_mhtwg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPyYK_mhtwg)
Neighbor` dog chased a little kid on a bike.....So I guess they are going to take the dog`s bike away to punish him......(that couldn`t wait 2 days )
The only problem is that the guy is Vietnamese, not Chinese. Sort of makes the jokes lame. :dhorse:All of these jokes are lame, that's the point!! :cheers:
Mike
And here I thought I was kidding when I've used oddball fractions, but geez -- these guys seem to have made it for real.
https://www.amazon.com/Yescom-Automatic-Pneumatic-Transfer-Sublimation/dp/B011489CGY/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1493128920&sr=8-7&keywords=mug+press
Convert metric to English?? ...Easy..I just enter the measurement into the D.R.O on the mill and toggle the readout ..BINGO
Grand Rapids Police Dept. have replaced their sirens with a speaker playing the National Anthem...They figure the perps will take a knee rather than run,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :cheers:
Still be easier to catch those that stand and salute! :x :x :cheers: :cheers:
From my son-in-law... "If you make it idiot proof, they'll just make a better idiot'".
From my son-in-law... "If you make it idiot proof, they'll just make a better idiot'".
I just heard on the news that a midget had his pocket picked....How could anyone stoop so low ???? :cheers:
When I was a kid the local gas station owners name was Harry Butts. His mom and dad had a sence of humor
Many years ago I worked at a VW shop & the owner's name was Jack Doff.
Sid.
For Pete...
Yo Robert.....Patti plays drums in a band named "Blanket". It is a cover band..... 1drink
Yo Robert.....Patti plays drums in a band named "Blanket". It is a cover band..... 1drink
Does playing in the band called "Blanket" comfort-her?