I thought it was Friday?
ALL PUNS INTENDED
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!'
exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. Then there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
21. Dogs can't operate MRI machines but cats can.
22. Our mountains aren't just funny - they're hill areas.
23. Turning vegan would be a big missed steak.
24. Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
25. Forget world peace try visualizing your turn signals!
26. Life is short, if you can't laugh at yourself, call me - I will!
27. What i if I told you, you read the first part of this sentence wrong?
28. Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
29. My mood ring is missing and I don't know how I feel about that.
30. I scream, you scream, the police come, it gets awkward.
31. Despite the high cost of living it remains popular.
32. I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don't know Y.
33. Cow stumbles into a pot field, the steaks have never been higher.
34. Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.
35. Looking for fresh vegetable puns - lettuce know.
36. He who laughs last - didn't get it!
37. Big shout out to my fingers! I can always count on them.
38. Is irony the opposite of wrinkly?
39. Tried to grab some fog but I mist.
40. If you suck at playing the trumpet that may be why.
41. When you are down by the see and an eel bites your knee - that's a moray.
42. For chemists alcohol is not a problem - it's a solution!