Understanding Engineers

[bbarn]

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

"The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. "The last one aid, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[will6er]

An electrical engineer, a flow engineer, and a computer engineer were riding down the road. Suddenly, the car quit. The electrical engineer said, "Since I am an electrical expert, I think we should repair the electrical system." The flow engineer sais, "Since I am a flow expert, I think we should repair the fuel system." The computer engineer said, "Why don't we just get out of the car and get back in?"

WILL

[Viau Boys]

You Might Be an Engineer If (The Short List)

1. You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
2. You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
3. You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
4. It is sunny and 70 degrees outdoors, and you are working on a computer.
5. You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
6. You think in "math."
7. You have a pet named after a scientist.
8. You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
9. The Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
10. You can translate English into Binary.
11. You are completely addicted to caffeine.
12. The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
13. You assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
14. You understood more than five of these indicators.
15. You make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

This one is funny because its actually true:

This morning in my Aero/Gas Dynamics class (which is for Aerospace engineers) the professor started the class with this: "Since there are more mechanical engineers in the class this semester than usual (they sometimes take it as a tech elective), we're going to move a little slower this semester so they can keep up." Needless to say the aero majors laughed uproariously while the mechE's sat there looking embarrassed.  

[k.h.]

There are 10 kinds of people:  Those who get binary and those who don't.

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Having attended and graduated from an engineering college (Michigan Technological University) -- I'll debate some of the concepts mentioned.  For instance, the engineers with whom I matriculated would not (repeat NOT) have chosen the bicycle over the naked woman.  For a pair of snowshoes, maybe -- but not a bike.  They had their limits, you know.

[Wildcat]

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.  "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train.  The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on.  The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.  To their astonishment, this time, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.  The train departs.  Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.  He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Stainless1]

There are 10 kinds of people:  Those who get binary and those who don't.

now that one should have waited for Friday.... 

[panic]

What do we learn from this:

More engineers in Congress would be a big improvement.

[McRat]

There is a reason that lawyers are in Congress.  Who else would think it's wise to spend $30,000,000 to apply for a job that pays $140k/yr?

[panic]

Who else would think it's wise to spend $30,000,000 to apply for a job that pays $140k/yr?

But, of course, they don't think that at all.
The purposes of the job, and the sole business done by Congress to the exclusion of all else, are to:
1. permit your friends to steal money
2. prevent other people's friends from stealing money
3. form a non-partisan criminal conspiracy to steal money for both groups

Since their math is fairly good, the net result is a large multiple of $30,000,000... or the process wouldn't be so competitive.

All that's missing is the "transparency" promised by the current administration.

[bbarn]

Transparent, what ever are you referring to? There (Joe Biden hosted it) was a meeting on transparency yesterday...of course it was a closed door meeting    

[Hit or Miss]

An engineer dies and reports to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter checks and re-checks his paper work but finally tells the engineer he's sorry but he can't come into heaven.  Disappointed and down trodden the engineer is sent to hell.  After a a while in hell the engineer asked Satan if he can use all the General Contractors and Architects that were there to start making some improvements around the place.  Satan thinks why not and gives him the okay.

So the engineer sets out and designs an air conditioning system, a water treatment plant, a sprinkler system, moving walk ways, and numerous other improvements.  Before long hell is turning into a pretty nice place.  

So one day God and Satan run into each other, and after the small talk God asks "So Satan how's life down in hell these days?"

Satan replies "Not bad, you send me an engineer a while back.  Now we have air conditioning, running water, all kinds of modern conveniences!"

God goes ballistic at the sound of this "Satan you know you are not supposed to get any of the engineers!!!  I demand that you send him back up to me right now or I'll sue you!!!"

Satan just laughs and replied "Oh yeah God, and where are you going to find a lawyer?!?!"  

[Stainless1]

You might be an aerospace engineer if
1.  You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 8 different managers. or have moved 10 times in two years and have never known who your boss was.
2.  Your resume is on a jumpdrive in your pocket.
3.  Someone asks you what you do for a living and you lie.
4.  You get really excited about a 2% pay increase.
5.  Your biggest loss from a system crash, is that you lose your best jokes.
6.  You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
7.  Its dark on your drive to and from work.
8.  Fun is when "projects" are assigned to someone else.
9.  Communication is something your "group" is having problems with.
10. You see a good-looking person and know it's a visitor.
11. Free food left over from a meeting is your main staple.
12. All art involves a white board.
13. All real work is done prior to 8:00am and after 4:30pm.
14. You're already late on the assignment you just received.
15. Dilbert is your favorite cartoon.
16. Your boss's favorite lines are ...
      "When you get a few minutes ..."
      "I have an opportunity for you ..."
      "Cross-charging is forbidden."
      "...the directional truth in a white water world ..."
      "We have a new culture that will enable us to ..."
      "We have a new engineering vice-president."
      "This reorganization will allow us to streamline our way of doing
      business, becoming more competitive."
17. 99% of the people in your company do not know what you do.
18. 99% of the people in your company do not care what you do.
19. Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.
20. Change is the norm.
21. Nepotism is strongly encouraged.
22. Your company announces no pay increase because it is investing money in a new aircraft development.
23. Your company announces no pay increase because the airline industry is in a downturn. And your boss gets voted "man of the year in aerospace "
24. Your fear to fly is becoming even worse.
25. Everyone at the company says that without his work there would be no aircraft.
26. An ordinary secretary has more power than an old engineer.
27. You read this entire list and understand it.
28. Not allowing firearms on company property is seen strictly as a suicide prevention measure.

[Glen]

Yep, I agree on all the above. Sure glad I made it through it and retired. Now my boss is my wife and she says I have selective hearing.

[landsendlynda]

Good thing no one has hassled/harassed "domestic" engineers....you'd all be fixing your own meals, washing your own clothes, sleeping on the couch, and wondering what the h*ll happened to the remote control?   

Lynda