Redneck stuff... others types may be moved..

[Stainless1]

I'll start...

Ray & Bubba   ( Redneck mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.   A Yankee walked by and asked what they were doing.

We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole, said Bubba, but we don't have a ladder. 

The Yankee took a wrench from his pocket, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.  Then took a tape measure from his   pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches, put the pole back up and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. Ain't that just like a damn Yankee!

We ask for the height and he gives us the length!   

Bubba and Ray just landed a new government project.... helping with the "stimulus package".

[McRat]

Bubba and Bobby are promoted to the shipping and receiving dept of Boeing.
Their first assignment is to build a shipping crate for an aircraft tire.
Bubba picks up a nail, looks at it, then hammers it in the crate.
He picks up another, looks at it and throws it away.
Picks another, and hammers it in, picks another and throws it away.

"Bubba, why are you throwing half the nails away?"

"The head is on the wrong end of the nail, Bobby."

"You fool, those are for the other side of the crate!"

[4-barrel Mike]

Dear Billy Bob Joe,

As you know, my divorce was final yesterday, and in the divorce settlement she was awarded the double-wide mobile home and my pickup truck.

Can you believe it?  I expected her to get the double-wide, but having to give her my truck was just more than I could bear.

I had no choice, so as per the court order, I delivered the truck to her before 2:00 PM today.  I'm sure gonna miss that truck.  Had to get a picture of it before it was gone forever - taped a copy below.

If you need to get hold of me, I'll be staying with My folks until I can find me a place.   

Take care,

Bubba
   

 
 
 
 
 

[Dean Los Angeles]

Bubba and Billy Bob were digging away in the trench when Bubba says, "How come we is sweatin down hyar an' th' boss is up thar unner th' shade of a right fine tree?"

Billy Bob decides he's going to go and find out. He climbs out of the ditch and walks up to the boss and says, "How come were down thar sweatin, an' yo' all is up hyar in th' shade of th' tree!"

The boss puts his hand on the trunk of the tree and says, "Hit my hand."

Billy Bob winds up and throws a punch. The boss pulls his hand away and Billy Bob crushes his knuckles on the tree. "Oh, ah unnerstan'! Fry mah hide!".

Billy Bob climbs down into the trench. Bubba says, "Wha'd he say?" Billy Bob says, "I'll show yo'. Hit mah han'."

Then Billy Bob puts his hand in front of his face.

[SPARKY]

I am suprised that my family members would be so loose with our familiy heirloom heritage tratition stories as to let others in on them !!!!!!!!!!

[floydjer]

The one thing that a Redneck divorce and a tornado have in commmon........Someone ends up losing their trailer.

[DavidinDurango]

Bubba and Joe Bob were a-drivin down the street when Bubba spots a big German Shepard lickin' himself.

Bubba: Look at that big dog a-lickin' himself, I wish I could do that!"

Joe Bob:  Bubba, doncha think you should pet him first?

{allterante punch line:  Bubba, that dawg would biiiiiiiite you!}

[mtkawboy]

True story, we were at a friends house at a party. The dog started to lick himself. I looked at my buddy and said "dont you wish you could do that ?" He says "oh no, last time I tried that he bit the crap out of me " I was on the ground in tears laughing

[Stainless1]

Three men married wives from different states.

Jim married a woman from Michigan . He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day,
he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away..

John married a woman from Colorado. He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge
dinner on the table. 

Bubba married a girl from Louisiana. He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and a hot dinner on the
table every evening.  The first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was
healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

       

[Stainless1]

This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57 just outside of  Dulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana , and while it  sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
                                                                 
An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the side of   the road, and attempted to
 hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle of a thunderstorm.  Time passed slowly and no
 cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
                                 
Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing
 ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Desperately
 needing a ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was no
 one behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
                                 
Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to think of jumping
 out and running. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to
 jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road
 and into the bayou and he would then drown!
 
                                 
But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window, reached in and
 turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the
 hand disappeared through the window and Saul was alone again.
                                 
                                 
  Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally,
 scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.
                                 
                                 
 Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's.   Voice quavering ordered two cups of coffee,
 black, and then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
                                 
                                 
The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized Saul was telling the truth
 (not just some drunk).
 
 About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's and one says to the other,

 "Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in the
 rain!!!"
                     

[SPARKY]

Geeze and I thought Linda was a Yankee,,,but she sure sounds like she is from LA.  must be up from around Shereport!!!!!!!!!!!

[Stainless1]

My minister down in Louisiana decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars..

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
The Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

So the Minister asked us "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Boudreaux was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service 

[Stainless1]

Redneck air traffic control

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

[55chevr]

SS --- Not that I want to sound pompous but if Runway 9 is used in the opposite direction it is called Runway 27 ... but either way it works for me ... Allah be praised and may they meet the virgins sooner rather then later ... JD

[bbarn]

SS --- Not that I want to sound pompous but if Runway 9 is used in the opposite direction it is called Runway 27 ... but either way it works for me ... Allah be praised and may they meet the virgins sooner rather then later ... JD

I caught that too. Funny joke none the less.