Landracing Forum Home
November 22, 2017, 12:12:59 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
News:
BACK TO LANDRACING.COM HOMEPAGE
 
   Home   Help Search Calendar Login Register  


(Note: Donations are not tax deductible)







Live Audio Streaming and Archives of Past Events
Next Live Event: TBD
Pages: [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 ... 61   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 203433 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
floydjer
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 60
Location: grand rapids, michigan
Posts: 2238


"There is no duck side of the moon..."




Ignore
« on: March 24, 2009, 07:25:34 AM »

Two silk worms decide to race.............They ended up in a tie. cheers
« Last Edit: January 08, 2010, 09:47:32 AM by floydjer » Logged

I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
Seldom Seen Slim
Administrator
Hero Member
***
Offline Offline

Age: 69
Location: Skandia, Michigan
Posts: 11811


Nancy -- 201.913 mph record on a production ZX15!


WWW
« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2009, 08:54:51 AM »

as usual I won't start a new thread but will add to one already extant:


1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
 
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
 
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin s say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
 
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
 
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
 
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
 
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.."
 
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
 
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above is locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
 
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
 
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
 
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
 
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
 
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
 
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too Dodge ugly to kiss good-bye “

Logged

Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
2 Club member x2
Owner of landracing.com
theazoldcrow
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Location: Mammoth, Az. Where the sun shines daily!
Posts: 820


Yup!




Ignore
« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2009, 10:25:00 AM »

 grin shocked grin grin huh rolleyes cheers cheers  Firs thing in the morning I read this thread, and it ticklrd the healy out of me!!!                          And that's No joke!!!!        What happens when you cross a mule, and a peanut butter sandwich?HuhHuhHuh??  You either get a hairy peanut butter sandwich,,, or a piece of Acura that sticks to the roof of your mouth!!!!  Veteranrily speaking, that is....    Crow
Logged

The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!
4-barrel Mike
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 69
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2784


Any fool can drive a V8




Ignore
« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2009, 10:34:19 AM »

Ding, ding, ding!  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winnah! 

By TKO: Crow!!! 

Mike
Logged

Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!
Stan Back
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Location: San Berdoo
Posts: 4758





Ignore
« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2009, 10:45:17 AM »

Wish I could remember the name of the football pre-game analyst I heard one morning who ended his windy dissertation with the words, "I think it all comes down to whoever puts the most points up on the scoreboard this afternoon will come away with the victory."
Logged

Member of the San Berdoo Roadsters – California's most-exclusive roadster club.
Celebrating 65th anniversary of racing on the salt.
theazoldcrow
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Location: Mammoth, Az. Where the sun shines daily!
Posts: 820


Yup!




Ignore
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2009, 02:42:31 PM »

 grin Hicokry, dickery, dock.......Two mice ran up the clock.........the clock struck one........the other escaped with insurable injuries.....Crow  shocked shocked shocked
Logged

The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!
floydjer
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 60
Location: grand rapids, michigan
Posts: 2238


"There is no duck side of the moon..."




Ignore
« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2009, 07:57:59 AM »

Two drunks walked in to a bar..........The third one saw it,and ducked.  J.B.
Logged

I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
Milwaukee Midget
Global Moderator
Hero Member
***
Offline Offline

Age: 57
Location: Beerhaven, Wisconsin
Posts: 5934


Bonneville I/GT record holder - 122.539 mph


WWW
« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2009, 08:16:27 PM »

Three retired men were sitting on a park bench, feeding the pigeons and talking about their past careers.

“I used to have the finest clothing store in the whole city," said one.  “People would come from miles around to purchase my clothing, or have a suit made.  But then the suburbs started to build up, and people started to shop at the malls.  And then, catastrophe - I went to visit my brother in Miami, and when I came back, I found that thieves had broken into my store, vandalized the entire building, and stole all of my merchandise.  Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.

The second man nodded his head knowingly, and recounted his own career.

“I used to have the biggest Chevy dealership in the whole city," he said.  “People would come from miles around to purchase cars from me.  But then the suburbs started to build up, and people started to buy their cars from those fancy-shmansy dealerships along the freeway.  My business went into the toilet.  And then, catastrophe – a huge fire burned the entire building to the ground.  Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.

The third man sat, staring at the ground, and said, “Gentlemen, I feel your pain”.

“I used to have the finest five-star restaurant in the whole city," he said.  “People, politicians, tourists, and folks of all stripes would come to my restaurant.  The newspaper gave my food rave revues.   But then, catastrophe – a huge flood came and destroyed the entire building.  Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.

The two other men sat in silence pondering their friend’s misfortune, and then the first man asked, “So, how do you start a flood?”
Logged

"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
Dean Los Angeles
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 67
Location: Coarsegold
Posts: 2370




Ignore
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2009, 09:10:50 AM »

In the middle of the city in a small park there were two statues, one male, one female.

One day God comes down and says to the statues, "The two of you have been facing each other for over 50 years. I am going to turn you human for 10 minutes so you can enjoy each other."

Five minutes later the two come out of the bushes holding hands with a huge smile on their faces.

God says, "It's only been five minutes. You still have five minutes left."

The male statue says to the female statue, "This time you hold the pigeon and I'll beat the hell out of it."
Logged

Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
floydjer
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 60
Location: grand rapids, michigan
Posts: 2238


"There is no duck side of the moon..."




Ignore
« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2009, 10:35:31 AM »

A buddy called and asked if I would like to play in a golf tournament. I declined since I haven`t played in a while. He said.." It`s for handicapped and blind children" and I thought........"Hmmm...I might be able to win this...." rolleyes
Logged

I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
Seldom Seen Slim
Administrator
Hero Member
***
Offline Offline

Age: 69
Location: Skandia, Michigan
Posts: 11811


Nancy -- 201.913 mph record on a production ZX15!


WWW
« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2009, 11:33:50 AM »

why Parents Drink


A father passing by his son's bedroom was  astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to Dad.. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion.  Dad... she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be
very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll
be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.  Don't
worry Dad.  I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. 



Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your grandchildren.

Love, your son John


PS: Dad, none of the above is true.  I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report
card.  It's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home ..


Logged

Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
2 Club member x2
Owner of landracing.com
aircap
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Location: Wichita, KS
Posts: 390





Ignore
« Reply #11 on: March 30, 2009, 07:18:40 PM »

I like it. (but then, I don't have kids)
Logged

Seldom Seen Slim
Administrator
Hero Member
***
Offline Offline

Age: 69
Location: Skandia, Michigan
Posts: 11811


Nancy -- 201.913 mph record on a production ZX15!


WWW
« Reply #12 on: March 30, 2009, 07:22:45 PM »

My mom once told me about a girl that went to school with her.  She was quite "friendly" with the guys, it turned out.  Her name was Virginia, but they called her Virgin for short - but not for long.
Logged

Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
2 Club member x2
Owner of landracing.com
Dr Goggles
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 167
Location: Melbourne Australia
Posts: 2960


The Jarman-Stewart "Spirit of Sunshine" Bellytank


WWW

Ignore
« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2009, 09:41:19 PM »

Irish bloke is taking his new girlfriend home to meet the folks...."Oi just have ti warn ya that they's both deaf and dumb"....."foine foine" she says .

when they get there they walk into the lounge and there they both are sitting in front of the TV...Mum with a beer bottle jammed in her backside and the old fella with a match-stick propping one eye open and  his scrotum hanging out of his pyjamas...
"what's going on ?"says the girlfriend with a look of horror on her face

"ah , well , ya see it's all sign language" he says looking a little embarassed.." moom is sayin " get the beers in ya bum!" an' dada is sayin BOLLOCKS!, I'm watchin' da match!"
Logged

Few understand what I'm trying to do but they vastly outnumber those who understand why...................

http://thespiritofsunshine.blogspot.com/

Current Australian E/GL record holder at 215.041mph

THE LUCKIEST MAN IN SLOW BUSINESS.
Dean Los Angeles
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 67
Location: Coarsegold
Posts: 2370




Ignore
« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2009, 08:53:11 AM »

Noonan is driving down the street in a sweat because he is late for a meeting with a new sponsor and can't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

He looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

Logged

Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
Pages: [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 ... 61   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2015, Simple Machines
Simple Audio Video Embedder
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!


Google visited last this page November 20, 2017, 12:41:00 AM