The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread

[floydjer]

Two silk worms decide to race.............They ended up in a tie.

[Seldom Seen Slim]

as usual I won't start a new thread but will add to one already extant:


1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
 
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
 
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin s say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
 
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
 
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
 
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
 
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.."
 
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
 
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above is locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
 
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
 
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
 
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
 
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
 
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
 
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too Dodge ugly to kiss good-bye “

[theazoldcrow]

    Firs thing in the morning I read this thread, and it ticklrd the healy out of me!!!                          And that's No joke!!!!        What happens when you cross a mule, and a peanut butter sandwich???  You either get a hairy peanut butter sandwich,,, or a piece of Acura that sticks to the roof of your mouth!!!!  Veteranrily speaking, that is....    Crow

[4-barrel Mike]

Ding, ding, ding!  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winnah! 

By TKO: Crow!!! 

Mike

[Stan Back]

Wish I could remember the name of the football pre-game analyst I heard one morning who ended his windy dissertation with the words, "I think it all comes down to whoever puts the most points up on the scoreboard this afternoon will come away with the victory."

[theazoldcrow]

  Hicokry, dickery, dock.......Two mice ran up the clock.........the clock struck one........the other escaped with insurable injuries.....Crow 

[floydjer]

Two drunks walked in to a bar..........The third one saw it,and ducked.  J.B.

[Milwaukee Midget]

Three retired men were sitting on a park bench, feeding the pigeons and talking about their past careers.

“I used to have the finest clothing store in the whole city," said one.  “People would come from miles around to purchase my clothing, or have a suit made.  But then the suburbs started to build up, and people started to shop at the malls.  And then, catastrophe - I went to visit my brother in Miami, and when I came back, I found that thieves had broken into my store, vandalized the entire building, and stole all of my merchandise.  Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.

The second man nodded his head knowingly, and recounted his own career.

“I used to have the biggest Chevy dealership in the whole city," he said.  “People would come from miles around to purchase cars from me.  But then the suburbs started to build up, and people started to buy their cars from those fancy-shmansy dealerships along the freeway.  My business went into the toilet.  And then, catastrophe – a huge fire burned the entire building to the ground.  Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.

The third man sat, staring at the ground, and said, “Gentlemen, I feel your pain”.

“I used to have the finest five-star restaurant in the whole city," he said.  “People, politicians, tourists, and folks of all stripes would come to my restaurant.  The newspaper gave my food rave revues.   But then, catastrophe – a huge flood came and destroyed the entire building.  Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.

The two other men sat in silence pondering their friend’s misfortune, and then the first man asked, “So, how do you start a flood?”

[Dean Los Angeles]

In the middle of the city in a small park there were two statues, one male, one female.

One day God comes down and says to the statues, "The two of you have been facing each other for over 50 years. I am going to turn you human for 10 minutes so you can enjoy each other."

Five minutes later the two come out of the bushes holding hands with a huge smile on their faces.

God says, "It's only been five minutes. You still have five minutes left."

The male statue says to the female statue, "This time you hold the pigeon and I'll beat the hell out of it."

[floydjer]

A buddy called and asked if I would like to play in a golf tournament. I declined since I haven`t played in a while. He said.." It`s for handicapped and blind children" and I thought........"Hmmm...I might be able to win this...."

[Seldom Seen Slim]

why Parents Drink


A father passing by his son's bedroom was  astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to Dad.. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion.  Dad... she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be
very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll
be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.  Don't
worry Dad.  I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. 



Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your grandchildren.

Love, your son John


PS: Dad, none of the above is true.  I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report
card.  It's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home ..

[aircap]

I like it. (but then, I don't have kids)

[Seldom Seen Slim]

My mom once told me about a girl that went to school with her.  She was quite "friendly" with the guys, it turned out.  Her name was Virginia, but they called her Virgin for short - but not for long.

[Dr Goggles]

Irish bloke is taking his new girlfriend home to meet the folks...."Oi just have ti warn ya that they's both deaf and dumb"....."foine foine" she says .

when they get there they walk into the lounge and there they both are sitting in front of the TV...Mum with a beer bottle jammed in her backside and the old fella with a match-stick propping one eye open and  his scrotum hanging out of his pyjamas...
"what's going on ?"says the girlfriend with a look of horror on her face

"ah , well , ya see it's all sign language" he says looking a little embarassed.." moom is sayin " get the beers in ya bum!" an' dada is sayin BOLLOCKS!, I'm watchin' da match!"

[Dean Los Angeles]

Noonan is driving down the street in a sweat because he is late for a meeting with a new sponsor and can't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

He looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."