floydjer
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"There is no duck side of the moon..."
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« on: March 24, 2009, 07:25:34 AM » |
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Two silk worms decide to race.............They ended up in a tie. 
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« Last Edit: January 08, 2010, 09:47:32 AM by floydjer »
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
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Seldom Seen Slim
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Nancy -- 201.913 mph record on a production ZX15!
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« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2009, 08:54:51 AM » |
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as usual I won't start a new thread but will add to one already extant:
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." 3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin s say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." 4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." 5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." 6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful) 7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.." 8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ." 9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above is locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." 10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is." 11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) 12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" 13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." 14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious. 15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too Dodge ugly to kiss good-bye “
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Jon E. Wennerberg a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim Skandia, Michigan (that's way up north) 2 Club member x2 Owner of landracing.com
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theazoldcrow
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Yup!
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« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2009, 10:25:00 AM » |
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The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!
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4-barrel Mike
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Any fool can drive a V8
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« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2009, 10:34:19 AM » |
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Ding, ding, ding! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winnah! By TKO: Crow!!!  Mike
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Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!
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Stan Back
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« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2009, 10:45:17 AM » |
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Wish I could remember the name of the football pre-game analyst I heard one morning who ended his windy dissertation with the words, "I think it all comes down to whoever puts the most points up on the scoreboard this afternoon will come away with the victory."
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Member of the San Berdoo Roadsters – California's most-exclusive roadster club. Celebrating 65th anniversary of racing on the salt.
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theazoldcrow
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Location: Mammoth, Az. Where the sun shines daily!
Posts: 821
Yup!
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« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2009, 02:42:31 PM » |
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The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!
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floydjer
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Location: grand rapids, michigan
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"There is no duck side of the moon..."
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« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2009, 07:57:59 AM » |
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Two drunks walked in to a bar..........The third one saw it,and ducked. J.B.
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
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Milwaukee Midget
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Former Bonneville I/GT record holder - 122.539 mph
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« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2009, 08:16:27 PM » |
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Three retired men were sitting on a park bench, feeding the pigeons and talking about their past careers.
“I used to have the finest clothing store in the whole city," said one. “People would come from miles around to purchase my clothing, or have a suit made. But then the suburbs started to build up, and people started to shop at the malls. And then, catastrophe - I went to visit my brother in Miami, and when I came back, I found that thieves had broken into my store, vandalized the entire building, and stole all of my merchandise. Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.
The second man nodded his head knowingly, and recounted his own career.
“I used to have the biggest Chevy dealership in the whole city," he said. “People would come from miles around to purchase cars from me. But then the suburbs started to build up, and people started to buy their cars from those fancy-shmansy dealerships along the freeway. My business went into the toilet. And then, catastrophe – a huge fire burned the entire building to the ground. Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.
The third man sat, staring at the ground, and said, “Gentlemen, I feel your pain”.
“I used to have the finest five-star restaurant in the whole city," he said. “People, politicians, tourists, and folks of all stripes would come to my restaurant. The newspaper gave my food rave revues. But then, catastrophe – a huge flood came and destroyed the entire building. Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.
The two other men sat in silence pondering their friend’s misfortune, and then the first man asked, “So, how do you start a flood?”
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"Problems are almost always a sign of progress." Harold Bettes Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . . We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
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Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2009, 09:10:50 AM » |
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In the middle of the city in a small park there were two statues, one male, one female.
One day God comes down and says to the statues, "The two of you have been facing each other for over 50 years. I am going to turn you human for 10 minutes so you can enjoy each other."
Five minutes later the two come out of the bushes holding hands with a huge smile on their faces.
God says, "It's only been five minutes. You still have five minutes left."
The male statue says to the female statue, "This time you hold the pigeon and I'll beat the hell out of it."
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now. Just remember . . . It isn't life or death. It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
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floydjer
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Age: 61
Location: grand rapids, michigan
Posts: 2696
"There is no duck side of the moon..."
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« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2009, 10:35:31 AM » |
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A buddy called and asked if I would like to play in a golf tournament. I declined since I haven`t played in a while. He said.." It`s for handicapped and blind children" and I thought........"Hmmm...I might be able to win this...." 
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
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Seldom Seen Slim
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Location: Skandia, Michigan
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Nancy -- 201.913 mph record on a production ZX15!
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« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2009, 11:33:50 AM » |
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why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to Dad.. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion. Dad... she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, your son John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report card. It's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home ..
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Jon E. Wennerberg a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim Skandia, Michigan (that's way up north) 2 Club member x2 Owner of landracing.com
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aircap
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« Reply #11 on: March 30, 2009, 07:18:40 PM » |
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I like it. (but then, I don't have kids)
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Seldom Seen Slim
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Age: 70
Location: Skandia, Michigan
Posts: 12196
Nancy -- 201.913 mph record on a production ZX15!
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« Reply #12 on: March 30, 2009, 07:22:45 PM » |
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My mom once told me about a girl that went to school with her. She was quite "friendly" with the guys, it turned out. Her name was Virginia, but they called her Virgin for short - but not for long.
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Jon E. Wennerberg a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim Skandia, Michigan (that's way up north) 2 Club member x2 Owner of landracing.com
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Dr Goggles
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« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2009, 09:41:19 PM » |
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Irish bloke is taking his new girlfriend home to meet the folks...."Oi just have ti warn ya that they's both deaf and dumb"....."foine foine" she says .
when they get there they walk into the lounge and there they both are sitting in front of the TV...Mum with a beer bottle jammed in her backside and the old fella with a match-stick propping one eye open and his scrotum hanging out of his pyjamas... "what's going on ?"says the girlfriend with a look of horror on her face
"ah , well , ya see it's all sign language" he says looking a little embarassed.." moom is sayin " get the beers in ya bum!" an' dada is sayin BOLLOCKS!, I'm watchin' da match!"
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Few understand what I'm trying to do but they vastly outnumber those who understand why................... http://thespiritofsunshine.blogspot.com/Current Australian E/GL record holder at 215.041mph THE LUCKIEST MAN IN SLOW BUSINESS.
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Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2009, 08:53:11 AM » |
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Noonan is driving down the street in a sweat because he is late for a meeting with a new sponsor and can't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
He looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now. Just remember . . . It isn't life or death. It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
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