Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 341957 times)

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Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #780 on: August 24, 2015, 10:39:01 PM »
When I noticed Freud was yet another year older it occurred to me that I should take stock of myself...
Here are a dozen things I know as I get older...

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.  Now it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Y'all have a great day  :cheers:
 
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline sofadriver

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #781 on: August 24, 2015, 11:02:54 PM »
3. I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off.

 :cheers: :cheers:
Mike in Tacoma

"aww, what the hell - let's just do it".............

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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #782 on: September 02, 2015, 07:49:43 AM »
Is it just me? Or do others find it odd that women are not offended by J.C. Penney calling their line of clothing for older women " Sag Harbor".....??? :evil:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #783 on: September 27, 2015, 08:42:31 PM »
As some of you know, I am an assistant coach on a little league baseball team.  We were nearing the end of the season and during the game, I slowly walked up to one of my 9-year-old baseball players, paused, then asked,
“Do you understand what a baseball team is? What cooperation for the team is?”
 
The boy nodded slowly in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not always whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

“So,’ I continued, “I'm sure then you understand, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or Alfa. Does that  make sense to you? “

The little boy again nodded 'yes'.

Not stopping there I went on, “And when we take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play in the game, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coaches ‘dumb Acura or shithead’ is it?”

“No,” The little boy shook his head looking a bit ashamed...



“GOOD”  I said. . . . “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!”
 
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline sofadriver

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #784 on: October 03, 2015, 10:22:53 AM »


Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota StateTrooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.


The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from  the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the sad reply.


"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't,"  said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely, and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as
promised.


Moments later the bike started, and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.


It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill...."


 
Mike in Tacoma

"aww, what the hell - let's just do it".............

Bike #833
100cc A/G, A/F and APS/G (in 2019)

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #785 on: October 05, 2015, 10:24:07 PM »
My neighbor cleaned up his yard, trimmed the trees and put all the stuff at the end of the driveway for the trash guy to pick up... came home to a note on the pile saying he needed to tie up the stuff or put it in garbage bags or they wouldn't take it.  So he asked me for a little help packaging the stuff for the garbage truck.... I thought it was a nice job....
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline sofadriver

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #786 on: October 05, 2015, 11:11:20 PM »
My neighbor cleaned up his yard, trimmed the trees and put all the stuff at the end of the driveway for the trash guy to pick up... came home to a note on the pile saying he needed to tie up the stuff or put it in garbage bags or they wouldn't take it.  So he asked me for a little help packaging the stuff for the garbage truck.... I thought it was a nice job....


Only someone with a sick and twisted mind would do something like this.

I like it!  :cheers:
Mike in Tacoma

"aww, what the hell - let's just do it".............

Bike #833
100cc A/G, A/F and APS/G (in 2019)

Offline Podunk

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #787 on: October 06, 2015, 06:33:45 PM »
 :cheers:

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #788 on: October 06, 2015, 06:53:39 PM »

Only someone with a sick and twisted mind would do something like this.

I like it!  :cheers:

that sounds close to the description of anyone that runs on the salt...  :-D
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline Speed Limit 1000

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #789 on: October 06, 2015, 07:41:42 PM »
 :cheers:
John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #790 on: October 06, 2015, 08:00:54 PM »
I hereby award Stainless with two attaboys and a hearty giggle.  Good job, man!  :cheers: :cheers:
Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #791 on: October 07, 2015, 08:49:10 AM »
I hereby award Stainless with two attaboys and a hearty giggle.  Good job, man!  :cheers: :cheers:
what???.... No " Raisin Pie' you gray -bearded old saddle tramp ???? :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Online Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #792 on: October 07, 2015, 09:31:57 AM »
"Raisin pie"?  WTF?  I've heard of eating a "cream pie" before - but not raisin.  Care to elucidate?
Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline Ron Gibson

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #793 on: October 07, 2015, 10:54:18 AM »
Stainless,  :cheers: :cheers:

Ron
Life is an abrasive. Whether you get ground away or polished to a shine depends on what you are made of.

Offline Speed Limit 1000

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #794 on: October 07, 2015, 12:46:47 PM »
"Raisin pie"?  WTF?  I've heard of eating a "cream pie" before - but not raisin.  Care to elucidate?

You would have to know Spider or have some old Easy Riders in the reading room :-D
John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20