The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread

[fastesthonda_jim]

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

[sofadriver]

The Lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon.
 
"I have some good news and I have some bad news,"
 The Tycoon replies, "I've had an awful day, let's hear
the good news first."
  The lawyer says, "Well, your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this
 week that she feels are worth a minimum of $2-3 million
 dollars."
  The tycoon replies enthusiastically, "Well done, very good news indeed.
 You've made my day.  Now what's the bad news?"
  The lawyer answers, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

[sofadriver]

 
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Just like I'm talking to a wall."  

[Seldom Seen Slim]

I'll take the wind out of the sails of Jerry and Monte with this/these, I betcha:

 
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
 
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
 
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
 
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
 
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
 
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
 
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
 
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
 
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
 
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
 
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
 
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
 
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
 
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
 
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
 
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
 
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
 
And the cream of the twisted crop: Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
 

[floydjer]

Take the wind out of my sails?/  You`ll need to try a different tack Jon............

[Stainless1]

Yep, I don't think Jerry will keel over from that compilation of one liners... but Monte will probably be ready to come about on Friday...
 

[Ron Gibson]

Subject: FW: SMART A*


    Two young businessmen in Colorado were sitting
  down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in
  the shopping mall.

      As yet, the store's merchandise
      wasn't in --

      only a few shelves and display racks
      set up.

      One said to the other, "I'll bet
      that any minute now some senior is going to walk by,
      put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

  Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious
  senior gentleman walked up to the window,looked
  around intensely and rapped on the glass, then
  in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

      One of the men replied sarcastically,"We're
      selling Acura-h***s."

      Without skipping a beat, the old
      timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two
      left."

      Seniors -- don't mess with them.
      They didn't get old by being stupid!

Ron

[floydjer]

Ron..Old age and treachury will always triumph over youth and exuberance

[Podunk]

My wife's birthday is coming up. She is a year younger than me. I told her to act her age.

[Ron Gibson]

Random thoughts as we age ...
The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don't have white hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad!!!
And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?

Ron

[Stainless1]

Da Bears
A guy walks into a bar wearing a BEARS jersey and carrying a little dog that is also wearing a BEARS jersey and a tiny BEARS helmet.
The guy says to the bartender, 'Can my dog and I watch the BEARS game here?  My TV at home is broke and my dog and I want to see the game.'
The bartender replies, 'Normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar.
But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave.'
The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game.
Pretty soon the BEARS kick a field goal and the little dog jumps on the bar and walks down the bar giving everyone a high five.
The bartender says, 'Hey, that's cool!  What does he do for a touch down?'
The guy answers, 'I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years.'

[Milwaukee Midget]

Da Bears
A guy walks into a bar wearing a BEARS jersey and carrying a little dog that is also wearing a BEARS jersey and a tiny BEARS helmet.
The guy says to the bartender, 'Can my dog and I watch the BEARS game here?  My TV at home is broke and my dog and I want to see the game.'
The bartender replies, 'Normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar.
But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave.'
The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game.
Pretty soon the BEARS kick a field goal and the little dog jumps on the bar and walks down the bar giving everyone a high five.
The bartender says, 'Hey, that's cool!  What does he do for a touch down?'
The guy answers, 'I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years.'

COOL - an opportunity to beat up on FORDBOY!

Why do DA BEARS' where blue?

You'd turn blue, too, if you've been choking for THIRTY YEARS!

And while we're picking on teams in the NFC North . . .

What do the Vikings and a stolen car have in common?

NO TITLE.

Stainless, I miss Eddie Podolak . . .

[Stainless1]

He's old, but not dead... I think...
Glad I never got fired for having too much fun   
 

[fordboy628]

Hey midget,

What's worse?

Being Bears Blue?     (Seminal NFL franchise with 9 NFL Championships and 26 Hall of Famers.   Yeah I know GB has more championships, 13 and less Hall of Famers, 21.)

Or being Cubbie blue?   (over a century long championship drought . . . . . .)

Ya play football with: a Helmet!    Ya play baseball with: a cap . . . .

Just askin'
 
Neverbepackerboy

[Milwaukee Midget]

Hey midget,

What's worse?

Being Bears Blue?     (Seminal NFL franchise with 9 NFL Championships and 26 Hall of Famers.   Yeah I know GB has more championships, 13 and less Hall of Famers, 21.)

Or being Cubbie blue?   (over a century long championship drought . . . . . .)

Ya play football with: a Helmet!    Ya play baseball with: a cap . . . .

Just askin'
 
Neverbepackerboy

That answer is simple.  It's better to be a Cubs fan.

Why?

Because between the starters and the bullpen, the Cubs have twelve guys on the team that have demonstrated that they can hit a guy wearing a helmet with a ball at 20 yards. 

The Bears don't have one.

And to be honest, even if the Bear's offensive line were permitted to use heavy wooden clubs, Cutler would still spend the better part of the game on his back, staring at the sky.

More cheese, please . . .