Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 342143 times)

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Offline will6er

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #690 on: April 17, 2014, 10:37:30 PM »
I have OCD and ADHD.

Everything has to be perfect...but not for long.

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #691 on: April 18, 2014, 07:44:20 AM »
No kidding?? I have C.R.A.F.T....Can`t Remember A F`n Thing.......................
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline jacksoni

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #692 on: April 18, 2014, 07:57:28 AM »
And CRS- Can't remember s..t
Jack Iliff
 G/BGS-250.235 1987
 G/GC- 176.245  2018
 G/GMS-178.835 2010

Offline Plmkrze

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #693 on: April 18, 2014, 09:34:40 AM »
And as you get older you get "ATF".  Afraid To Fart!
"Trim it, whittle it, make it work."

East Coast Cherry Pickers Association (ECCPA) and proud of it!

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #694 on: May 06, 2014, 01:01:57 PM »
You can tell alot about a woman just by looking at her hands...For example/ If she`s holding a gun? She`s probably mad about something...........
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #695 on: May 07, 2014, 10:55:16 AM »
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of
his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where
there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big
brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking
clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his
astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the
friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked
up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped
back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly,
someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You idiot! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline tauruck

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #696 on: May 07, 2014, 09:16:03 PM »
 :-D :-D You guys are too much. You make my day.

Offline wobblywalrus

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #697 on: May 08, 2014, 12:16:07 AM »
I know, Mike.  Them jokes are funny.

Offline Freud

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #698 on: May 09, 2014, 01:54:17 PM »
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her  youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob?s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘ Bob  how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies,Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says,            'No, I told her I was 90.'
Since '63

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #699 on: May 12, 2014, 10:26:52 AM »
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto.
They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline tauruck

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #700 on: May 12, 2014, 10:30:17 PM »
Between Jerry and Dean we're all set. :wink:

Good one Freud. :-D

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #701 on: May 15, 2014, 06:11:58 PM »
Even Duct tape can't fix stupid . . .

but it can muffle the sound!  :evil:
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #702 on: June 06, 2014, 02:39:00 PM »
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?  We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't  know Jack Schitt!'  Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.   Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and  owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.  They had one son, Jack.

In  turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious  couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,  Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against  her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a  high school  dropout.

After  being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She  was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a  rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two  of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were  inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.  The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian  bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now  when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you  can  correct  them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #703 on: June 19, 2014, 08:16:38 AM »
Mike:

I guess I managed to NOT read each and every post last week when you posted that one - about the Schitts.  I see that it was put up on the sixth of June.  How fitting - a joke about the Schitt family -- on the anniversary of my first wedding.  I'm amazed that you knew about it and the marriage well enough to join me in thinking about Schitt for that day. . .
Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #704 on: June 19, 2014, 11:21:41 AM »
So - you pull into the gas station after having a few beers - or maybe a bunch of beers.  You stop at one of the pumps and look over beside you -- and wonder if maybe you should have taken the pledge after all:
Jon E. Wennerberg
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 (that's way up north)
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Owner of landracing.com