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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 203013 times)
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #465 on: April 08, 2012, 01:10:39 PM »



 cheers

Mike
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Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!
Stainless1
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Robert W. P. "Stainless" Steele Wichita, Kansas



« Reply #466 on: April 08, 2012, 02:45:07 PM »

That reminds me I'm craving wings and beer... cheers
thanks Mike
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #467 on: April 23, 2012, 09:06:36 PM »

SCAM ALERT!

Please be careful. I have become victim of a clever scam. This happened to me and it could happen to you.
The victims are always male.

Here's how the scam works.
Two seriously good good-looking 18 year old girls knock on your door.
They both start wiping windows with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to the bus stop.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start to have sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet!

My wallet was stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again Saturday, yesterday, and most likely tomorrow!
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
Captthundarr
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« Reply #468 on: April 23, 2012, 09:47:50 PM »

Can't wait to get my wallet stolen grin
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Live,Laugh, Love /  Jack Scratch Racing /ECTA   
Amy Hartman-Driver, Frank Hartman-everthing else.
C/GALT 137.65 Ohio Mile check that 144.12 2013, AA/GALT 159.34 Ohio Mile 2014. B/GALT 180.577 RECORD 6/15
Stainless1
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Robert W. P. "Stainless" Steele Wichita, Kansas



« Reply #469 on: April 24, 2012, 08:16:46 AM »

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police DUI check point but as it was a bus, they waved it through without stopping.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
Cajun Kid
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« Reply #470 on: April 25, 2012, 09:34:20 PM »

Now that was funny ....
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ECTA Record Holder Maxton
E/CBFALT, E/CBGALT, E/CGALT, E/CFALT, A/CGALT, C/CGALT, D/CGALT, C/CBGALT, B/CBGALT, C/CFALT
OHIO
B/CGALT, C/CGALT

LTA Record Holder and 200 Club Member
A/CBFALT, B/CBFALT, C/CBFALT, C/CFALT, C/CGALT,   E/CGALT, E/CFALT

Fastest Standing Mile at Ohio  203.343mph
Fastest Standing Mile at Maxton 196.967mph
Fastest Standing 1.5 Mile at Loring 213.624mph
Fastest Standing Mile at Loring 204.109mph

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email   venableracing@gmail.com
floydjer
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« Reply #471 on: August 16, 2012, 08:29:46 AM »

English lesson for today.  Oklahoma is not pronouned  O-klahoma. It`s Okla-homa. There is a big gap in the middle.       See? cheers


* oklahoma.jpg (24.17 KB, 533x444 - viewed 367 times.)
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
Milwaukee Midget
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« Reply #472 on: August 16, 2012, 06:04:39 PM »

English lesson for today.  Oklahoma is not pronouned  O-klahoma. It`s Okla-homa. There is a big gap in the middle.       See? cheers

Panhandler?
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"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
floydjer
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« Reply #473 on: October 17, 2012, 07:58:55 AM »

A sunday school teacher was covering the origins of Easter and asks the class what they know about the resurrection. Little Jonny (sorry Slim) stands and says ..............." If it lasts more than four hours, You should see a doctor" cheers
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
floydjer
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« Reply #474 on: October 18, 2012, 09:40:36 AM »

A friend of mine has taken up drinking brake fluid.....I told him it`s probably not a good thing to do , But he insists he can stop any time........................
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #475 on: December 23, 2012, 10:44:28 PM »

In town recently a lawyer was arrested for running a meth lab out of his office.
I hope the fact that this guy's a lawyer doesn't send the message that somehow all meth dealers are sleaze balls.
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
bbarn
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« Reply #476 on: January 04, 2013, 12:37:32 PM »

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!” She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No baby, I don’t feel like it.” Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?” I said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either…
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I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.
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« Reply #477 on: January 04, 2013, 01:56:00 PM »

Wow, I usually don't have to put forth that much effort to"go without". grin
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Live,Laugh, Love /  Jack Scratch Racing /ECTA   
Amy Hartman-Driver, Frank Hartman-everthing else.
C/GALT 137.65 Ohio Mile check that 144.12 2013, AA/GALT 159.34 Ohio Mile 2014. B/GALT 180.577 RECORD 6/15
SaltRat
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« Reply #478 on: January 05, 2013, 12:20:08 PM »

WHY MEN ARE  SELDOM DEPRESSED:
         
           
 Men Are  Just Happier People -- What do you  expect from such simple  creatures? Your last  name stays put. The garage  is all yours. Wedding  plans take care of themselves. Chocolate  is just another snack. You can be  President. You can  never be pregnant. You can  wear a white T-shirt to a water  park. You can  wear NO shirt to a water park. Car  mechanics tell you the truth. The world  is your urinal. You never  have to drive to another gas station restroom because  this one is just too icky. You don't  have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a  bolt. Same work,  more pay. Wrinkles  add character. Wedding  dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People  never stare at your chest when you're talking to  them. New shoes  don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood  all the  time. Phone  conversations are over in 30 seconds  flat. You know  stuff about tanks. A five-day  vacation requires only one  suitcase. You can  open all your own  jars. You get  extra credit for the slightest act of  thoughtfulness. If someone  forgets to invite you, He or she  can still be your friend. Your  underwear is  $8.95 for a  three-pack. Three pairs  of shoes are more than enough.. You almost  never have strap problems in  public. You are  unable to see wrinkles in your  clothes.. Everything  on your face stays its original  color. The same  hairstyle lasts for years, maybe  decades. You only  have to shave your face and neck. You can  play with toys all your life. One wallet  and one pair of shoes -- one color for all  seasons. You can  wear shorts no matter how your legs  look. You can  'do' your nails with a pocket  knife. You have  freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  You can do  Christmas shopping for 25  relatives On December  24 in 25 minutes. No wonder  men are happier. Send this  to the women who can handle it And to the  men who will enjoy reading it.  Men Are Just  Happier People           
          NICKNAMES
         ·          If Laura,  Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each  other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
         ·          If Mike,  Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer  to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
         
          EATING  OUT
         ·          When the  bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in  $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of  them will have anything smaller and none will actually  admit they want change  back.
         ·          When the  girls get their bill, out come the pocket  calculators.
         
          MONEY
         ·          A man will  pay $2 for a $1 item he  needs.
         ·          A woman will  pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on  sale.
         
          BATHROOMS
         ·          A man has  six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,  shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel.
         ·          The average  number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is  337.  A man would not be able to identify more  than 20 of these  items.
         
          ARGUMENTS
         ·          A woman has  the last word in any  argument.
         ·          Anything a  man says after that is the beginning of a new  argument.
         
          FUTURE
         ·          A woman  worries about the future until she gets a  husband.
         ·          A man never  worries about the future until he gets a  wife.
         
           
          MARRIAGE
         ·          A woman  marries a man expecting he will change, but he  doesn't.
         ·          A man  marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but  she  does.
         
          DRESSING  UP
         ·          A woman will  dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the  trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the  mail.
         ·          A man will  dress up for weddings and  funerals.
         
          NATURAL
         ·          Men wake up  as good-looking as they went to  bed.
         ·          Women  somehow deteriorate during the  night.
         
          OFFSPRING
         ·          Ah,  children  A woman knows all about her  children.  She knows about dentist appointments  and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret  fears and hopes and  dreams.
         ·          A man is  vaguely aware of some short people living in the  house.
         
           
          THOUGHT FOR  THE  DAY
         A married man  should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in  two people remembering the same  thing!
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SaltRat
When (if?) this baby hits 88mph, you'll see some serious poo.
Stainless1
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Robert W. P. "Stainless" Steele Wichita, Kansas



« Reply #479 on: January 29, 2013, 12:14:29 PM »

Well as much as part of this belongs in the Friday thread, most of it should be here....

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
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