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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 341773 times)

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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #255 on: April 27, 2010, 09:04:06 PM »
Now Floyd,,

Thats just darn right Wrong !!!!! :cheers:
Made your head hurt, didn`t it!! (and it`s Jerry)
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline k.h.

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #256 on: May 01, 2010, 09:48:08 AM »
From a Brit friend--

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.. He gives up and goes back tobed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. 'The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep %#&!*%.'
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline Cajun Kid

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #257 on: May 01, 2010, 12:30:34 PM »
K H,,, that sure does sound like politics,,, so true,,,

Charles
ECTA Record Holder Maxton
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Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #258 on: May 17, 2010, 05:05:22 PM »
THE MALE CYCLE

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.   :cheers:  :mrgreen:  :cheers:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline k.h.

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #259 on: May 17, 2010, 07:19:18 PM »
A woman goes to a psychiatrist in extreme agitation.

The doctor asks her what the problem is.

The woman answers, "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time my husband comes home drunk we have a terrible fight that lasts for hours and gets me completely unnerved and I can't sleep."

The shrink says to her, "I have a real good medicine for that.   When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.  She says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.  I swished and swished, and not once did we get into a fight."

The psychiatrist says, "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

     
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #260 on: May 18, 2010, 11:38:35 PM »
And now, for you engineer types, a some critical information to help you go faster as you put more and more foreign ponies into domestic iron, and, ummm... vice versa:

Despite never having adopted the metric system for day to day life, Land Racers tend to be familiar with the basic units, like grams (especially kilograms), meters and such. But when it comes to lesser known units, they're clueless, so we thought we'd help the educational process along a bit.

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straight line
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
4 nickels = 1 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
and...

100 Senators = Not 1 good decision

Glad I could help
 

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Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #261 on: May 19, 2010, 09:26:46 AM »
 :-o  Somebody has tooooo much time on their hands,,,,funny as heck tho!     Crow.
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #262 on: May 29, 2010, 06:59:58 AM »
It's great to own and operate a sign engraving company.  I had some spare time yesterday, and the little sign in the bathroom next to the sub sandwich shop in the building -- needed freshening, I decided.  The sign reminds employees to wash hands after using the bathroom -- you've all seen that type of sign, right?

Here's the replacement I made for the old sign:
« Last Edit: May 29, 2010, 07:16:25 PM by Seldom Seen Slim »
Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
2 Club member x2
Owner of landracing.com

Offline landsendlynda

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #263 on: May 29, 2010, 11:19:05 AM »
Now that's a sign I could live with!!!    :cheers:   Too bad the food joints don't.

Lynda
Volunteer roadblock at Land's End! Yes, you need your stinkin badge! I'm your Dream Keeper, I protect your dream on the asphalt so you can chase your dream on the salt!

Offline doug odom

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #264 on: May 29, 2010, 11:37:26 AM »
Reminds me of the joke with the punch line........ well wash your hands real good and make me a cheeseburger.
Doug Odom in big ditch

How old would you be now if you didn't know how old you are?
If you can't race it or take it to bed - it ain't worth having.

Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #265 on: May 29, 2010, 12:35:16 PM »
Sensitive Stuff

Three lakester pilots were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and
Donnie.  As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and
is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says,
'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you beer?'
'Well, not zackly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door,  I
said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.  I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Lakester pilots are good at that sensitive stuff.
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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #266 on: May 30, 2010, 12:41:32 PM »
Reminds me of the joke with the punch line........ well wash your hands real good and make me a cheeseburger.
And a FINE joke that one is!!!! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:JB
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #267 on: June 05, 2010, 12:10:36 PM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of students


The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade.  My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.  While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

 :cheers:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #268 on: June 10, 2010, 09:28:41 AM »
NOT from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:  :mrgreen:

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now?

 8-)
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline doug odom

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #269 on: June 10, 2010, 01:24:00 PM »
Honey, I want to buy a new tool.
 "What to you need a new tool for"?
Well honey you know, to fasten things together.
 "Do you really need this new tool"?
Well honey you know people look at my work and you don't want them to think I do shoddy work do you?
 "How much does this new tool cost"?
Well honey, it's not so much what does it cost. It's an investment in better workmanship and product.

So that my friends is how my wife got her new $3,000 sewing machine.
Doug Odom in big ditch

How old would you be now if you didn't know how old you are?
If you can't race it or take it to bed - it ain't worth having.