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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 350288 times)

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Offline jacksoni

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #810 on: November 11, 2015, 07:03:02 AM »
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says "WTF"....
Jack Iliff
 G/BGS-250.235 1987
 G/GC- 176.245  2018
 G/GMS-182.144 2019

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #811 on: November 11, 2015, 08:17:08 AM »
The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic levels..................... :evil:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #812 on: November 16, 2015, 08:32:15 PM »
Last Sunday the pastor asked if  anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.  Suzie Back stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Stan, had a terrible car wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him."
 
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Stan must have experienced. "Stan was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
 
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Stan's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Stan.   
 
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Stan is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
 
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.  He said, "I'm Stan." The entire congregation held its breath.  "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 :cheers:
 
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline Stan Back

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #813 on: November 17, 2015, 11:17:53 AM »
I thought you were my friend -- it took some balls to delve into my medical history.
Member of the San Berdoo Roadsters -- "California's Most-Exclusive Roadster Club".
Celebrating 67th anniversary of racing on the salt.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #814 on: November 17, 2015, 11:53:09 AM »
Yeah, he's really being a dick about it.   :dhorse:

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline salt27

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #815 on: November 17, 2015, 12:29:20 PM »
This is just nuts, lets bag it for now.   :roll:

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #816 on: November 17, 2015, 01:11:23 PM »
Give `em the shaft Stan...Don`t let them get a head of you :cheers:( That was a tip for you....)
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline bbarn

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #817 on: November 17, 2015, 02:37:11 PM »
There is some stiff competition in here for the best pun. I can see men trying hard to best one another.
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #818 on: November 17, 2015, 02:44:24 PM »
Stan, be careful.  No calling people a schmuck on this site, please.  I'd have to send you to the corporum cavernosa for a time out or until the swelling subsides.
Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #819 on: November 18, 2015, 07:40:02 AM »
Stan, be careful.  No calling people a schmuck on this site, please.  I'd have to send you to the corporum cavernosa for a time out or until the swelling subsides.
[/quote I guess we saw that one coming.....................................
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #820 on: November 18, 2015, 08:46:05 AM »
Stan,  I heard you were a scrambled eggs kind of guy.....

and that is how we have fun when it's not Friday
 :cheers:
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #821 on: November 23, 2015, 03:37:40 PM »
While we are on the subject, I just got this in an email

The first testicular guard... the "cup" was first used for Hockey in 1874
The first helmet used in Hockey was worn in 1974

So it only took about a hundred years for Hockey players to realize their brain was also important   :-o

 :cheers:

Ok ladies... you can stop laughing right about now  8-)
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline Speed Limit 1000

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #822 on: November 23, 2015, 07:28:21 PM »
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S Acura?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20

Offline tauruck

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #823 on: January 14, 2016, 05:14:40 PM »

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #824 on: January 26, 2016, 08:00:19 AM »
This cannot wait `til Friday.....why couldn`t the chameleon change color???  he had a reptile dysfunction...............
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.