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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 202842 times)
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fastesthonda_jim
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« Reply #765 on: June 03, 2015, 10:21:07 PM »

Sheesh this thread appears to be dying.  In the interest of keeping it going I'll go back to Page 1, Joke 1 to pick up the theme for this one.

Ready?

Okay.

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?  They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,

"They won't let me in without a tie…"



Okay, Jerry.  You can pick it up from here.  Page1, Joke 1 was soooo long ago you can probably just submit reruns and it'd be months before anyone would catch on.
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Stainless1
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« Reply #766 on: June 03, 2015, 11:13:52 PM »

That reminds me of the other day  I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of the Proposed U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”
 
The clerk said, "F--- off, get out and stay out!"
 
I said, "Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?”
 
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
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« Reply #767 on: June 04, 2015, 11:08:26 AM »


Every night after dinner, Stainless took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Stainless still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husbands behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why dont you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why dont you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Stainless took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Stainless in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Stainless down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Stainless, "Its pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, dont you think?"
Stainless replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. Ill get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
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« Reply #768 on: June 04, 2015, 02:33:07 PM »

This seems to be as good a place as any for this picture.



* Chris_Christie.jpg (95.48 KB, 636x920 - viewed 173 times.)
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fastesthonda_jim
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« Reply #769 on: June 04, 2015, 03:45:48 PM »

I don't get it.  What's a picture of Chris Christie have to do with a joke where Stainless' name is substituted for Billy Jeff (AKA BJ) Clinton's?
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« Reply #770 on: June 05, 2015, 01:58:46 AM »

I realize I'm getting off the "track" here, but now that Clinton has been
mentioned, I couldn't resist sharing what I heard was a true story:

Shortly after all this "Monicagate" stuff was in the news, a vacuum
cleaner manufacturer introduced a newer, more powerful model . . .
and they were considering calling it the "Monica" . . . but decided not
to.  I think that's a true story, for what it's worth.
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Stainless1
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« Reply #771 on: June 05, 2015, 02:04:25 PM »

Well if we are picking on BJ...

Bill  Clinton was driving up to the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama's  dog crushing it flat as a fritter.  He climbed out of his Jag and  sat down on the grass totally distraught.  He knew Michele would go  ballistic.
   Then he noticed a lamp under his butt, half-buried in the ground.  He dug it up, brushed it  off and immediately a Genie popped out.  "You have freed me from thousands  of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one  wish."
   Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you  this damned dog."
   They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny.  "Do you think you could  bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.  The Genie looked at the  remains and shook his head.  "This critter is too far gone for even me to  bring it back to life.  Maybe there's something else you'd  like?"
   Bill thought for a minute reached into his pocket and pulled out two  photos.  "I had an affair with this young girl called Monica,"  said Bill, showing the genie the first photo.  "But I'm actually married to  this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo.  "You  see Hillary isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make her look like  Monica?"
   The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Dodge, let's  have another look at the dog!
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
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« Reply #772 on: June 06, 2015, 11:25:30 AM »

81 year old Burt finally decided to buy the fancy cowboy boots he'd wanted his whole life. When he got home he stood in front of his wife and asked "See anything different about me?"
"Nope" she said.
Burt stomped his feet to call attention to his boots. "How about now?".
"Nope" she said.
A little miffed, Burt stripped off all his clothes except the new boots. "Well, how about now ?".
The old gal said "Burt, it's hanging down. It was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily Burt says "THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!".
"Oh" she says. "Shoulda bought a hat, Burt. Shoulda bought a hat".
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Mike in Tacoma

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« Reply #773 on: June 26, 2015, 01:03:15 PM »

My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we got married...
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Rcktscientist
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« Reply #774 on: June 26, 2015, 01:04:57 PM »

When I was young my mom would send me to the store wit a dollar. I'd come back with a loaf of bread, milk and a dozen eggs. Can't do that any more, too many cameras.
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« Reply #775 on: July 10, 2015, 07:23:19 PM »

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isnt polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldnt tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex." grin
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John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20
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« Reply #776 on: July 16, 2015, 10:36:37 PM »

Got this from Freud... thought everyone could use a laugh... maybe take the pressure off the SpeedWeek threads  grin

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME  YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply:    "I wasn't.........."
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
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« Reply #777 on: July 17, 2015, 08:09:19 AM »

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

 There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
 We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls,
 But do you really know the difference between them?
 In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

 GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

 BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

 I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

 Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in serious bodily injury or death.
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I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.
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« Reply #778 on: July 23, 2015, 07:44:21 AM »

Chuck Norris has never submitted an on-line form..........Chuck Norris DOES NOT submit............... cheers
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« Reply #779 on: July 24, 2015, 11:18:27 PM »

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that hes on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I dont fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
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John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20
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