Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 335788 times)

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Offline jacksoni

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #645 on: December 15, 2013, 09:41:03 AM »
Ah... a "lucky Pierre" :-o
Jack Iliff
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Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #646 on: December 15, 2013, 11:28:24 AM »
Ahhh,,,,,"Pierre",,,, a dehydrated Frenchman.
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline rouse

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #647 on: December 16, 2013, 08:41:52 AM »
A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition
of a dilemma?"
 
"The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an
example to illustrate that."
 
"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked
young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."
 
"Who are you going to turn your back on?"


And I thought I've been between a rock and a hard spot before :-o

Rouse
 

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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #648 on: December 17, 2013, 09:37:00 AM »
I see that my sweet and innocent joke thread has turned into a den of filth and perversion.  Keep up the good work !   :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #649 on: December 17, 2013, 10:03:13 AM »
Jerry, I'll try
You know there are so many TV channels, and investigative reporters, each one trying to make the big story'
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This interview went as follows:

The lady reporter:  “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said?  “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):  “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer:  “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter:  “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer:  “I am getting to the point, Miss.”  “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?”

End of interview.... no big time here...
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline tauruck

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #650 on: December 17, 2013, 10:22:56 AM »
 :-D :cheers:

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #651 on: December 17, 2013, 09:04:30 PM »
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

 So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

 He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

 Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

 "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

 That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

 He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

 Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 The computer prints the following:

 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
 Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

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Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #652 on: December 18, 2013, 10:05:30 AM »
A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition
of a dilemma?"
 
"The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an
example to illustrate that."
 
"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked
young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."
 
"Who are you going to turn your back on?"
 


Ain't that life for ya? You try to do the right thing, and you STILL wind up taking it in the . . .
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline Freud

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #653 on: December 19, 2013, 11:23:50 AM »
Posting a day early but if you are patient you can wait for Friday to open this.

It is FUNNY.

He bought a JEEP.

Enjoy this.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?feature=player_detailpage&v=fybch3DX8c8

FREUD
Since '63

Offline Peter Jack

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #654 on: December 19, 2013, 12:52:25 PM »
That IS funny.

You're okay with the calendar police on this thread Freud. The one where you can get into serious trouble is the one that's specifically labled as the Friday joke thread.  :-D :-D :-D

Pete

Offline Freud

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #655 on: December 19, 2013, 05:34:25 PM »
Our humidity is so high that the sand in my hour glass is sluggish.

Glad to know about that violent humor page.

FREUD
Since '63

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #656 on: December 20, 2013, 11:56:26 AM »
 :roll:
^^^^^^ Maybe thats how day light savings came about ? 
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline robfrey

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #657 on: December 21, 2013, 02:42:02 PM »
I love to go to the park and watch children run around because they have no idea I'm using blanks.
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Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #658 on: January 10, 2014, 11:10:48 AM »
A man walks into a bar and boasts, "I'm a wine expert.  I can tell you  everything about a wine just by tasting it." 
The bartender decides to test  him. 

After blindfolding the wine expert, the bartender pours him a glass of  red wine. 
The wine expert tastes it and says, "Ah, this is a French Chateau  Lafitte-Pierre, '92, harvested during a slight drought, and the grapes were crushed by a man wearing striped trousers and bifocals." 

Impressed, the  bartender offers him a second glass of wine. "This is an Italian wine, a Pinot  Grigio, '94, a small vineyard near the coast, and the grapes were harvested during the full moon."
The testing goes on and on, with the expert offering  more and more details about each wine he tastes. 

The bartender becomes  irritated and decides to play a trick on the wine expert. Hurrying outside, he  fills a glass with urine from his horse, then rushes back into the bar and offers it to the wine expert.  The wine expert tastes it, then spits it out.  "Ptoo! Ugh! This is nothing but urine!" 

The bartender  replies, "Yeah, but whose?"
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline Ron Gibson

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #659 on: January 18, 2014, 10:25:49 AM »
Subject: Women's Acura Size Study
 
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting.
 
            30% of women think their Acura is too fat,
           10% of women think their Acura is too skinny
            the remaining 60% say don't care, they
love him, he is a good man and wouldn't trade him for the world.

Ron
Life is an abrasive. Whether you get ground away or polished to a shine depends on what you are made of.