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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 367481 times)

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Offline Podunk

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #615 on: October 15, 2013, 06:28:30 PM »
Dean,
Are you sure it was Cliff that said beer makes you smarter? Sure sounds like my brother inlaw.

Offline will6er

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #616 on: October 15, 2013, 09:31:20 PM »
Well- it made Bud wiser.

Will

Offline jimmy six

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #617 on: October 17, 2013, 10:40:57 AM »
Not too funy but it will make you laugh if you have never heard it


As a child growing up in Texas ...


Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little bad- Acura compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down?
Tough sumbich..

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head...

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?

You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.

Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH S--T! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh S--t.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture.
Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-b--ch got up and ran off..

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my
Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport
having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. Dodge IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.


I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good
discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

~Author Unknown
First GMC 6 powered Fuel roadster over 200, with 2 red hats. Pit crew for Patrick Tone's Super Stock #49 Camaro

Offline tauruck

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #618 on: October 17, 2013, 11:07:07 AM »
That's excellent Jimmy.  Thanks man. :-D :-D :-D

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #619 on: October 17, 2013, 02:33:51 PM »
True story:  when I was 8 or 11 or so we had a big elm tree in the backyard (at the farm) cut.  The thing was at least three feet in diameter, and once the tree was gone the stump acted unmoveable.  So we'd build fires on it and hope to eventually burn it out.  One time I had started the fire - garbage, I presume - and put a nearly-empty paint rattle can in the fire.  A few minutes later I was witness to an exciting display of how to blow the end out of a paint cannister.  Sure was a good thing that Dad wasn't home and Mom was used to my "adventures".

The preceding is a true story.  Some day I'll tell you of rebuilding the motor from a vacuum cleaner -- using gasoline for a solvent.  Maybe I should have let the gas evaporate more before I reassembled and turned it on.
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Owner of landracing.com

Offline wobblywalrus

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #620 on: October 17, 2013, 08:49:26 PM »
In my younger days, actually when I was an adult, I did this.  I was going to buy a bullet mold for my new 44 revolver.  Melting down old lead pipe to make bullets was cheaper than buying them.  I got one of the bullets for my 45 and hammered it a half inch down the exit end of the barrel.  I was going to measure it with a micrometer to to get its diameter so I could order a mold.  I could not get the bullet out of the barrel.  A brilliant idea came to mind.  I will simply load a chamber and shoot it out.  Yea, right.  It shot out just great and blew up the end of the barrel.  Man, it was loud.  About an inch of the barrel near the chambers was still good so I sawed off the bad section and had a snub nose special.

Offline relaxedphit

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #621 on: October 18, 2013, 12:05:17 PM »
Not funny I know, but for you precise types, Bill Ruger knew that reloaders were going to go all out with his Super Blackhawk .44 and over bored the barrels. IHMSA shooters were not getting acceptable SD's from their loads nor accuracy. When several were slugged with pure plumbers lead, the bores averaged from 0.431 -0.432. This was back in the early 70's and may have changed, but that was why so many competitors went to the Dan Wesson .375 magnum for revolver class (and no that's not .357).

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #622 on: October 25, 2013, 06:41:33 AM »
Let me steer this JOKE THREAD back on topic :roll:   ...I went to Lowe`s to pick u some paint, At the check-ot the cashier looked at me and said " Strip down, Facing me"....Bad enough they need my zip code  but this ???  So there I was, Naked , And she said " No, no,no....Your debit card goes in Strip down facing me" :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline bbarn

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Re:
« Reply #623 on: October 25, 2013, 07:19:12 AM »
Saw this one somplace else, it isn't about me...I swear!

Why is it when Miley Cyrus is naked and licking a sledgehammer they call it art and when I do it they tell me I am drunk and have to leave Home Depot immediately?
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #624 on: October 27, 2013, 01:20:01 PM »
OK, didn't know whether to put this in shop safety or this thread...
As we slowly move through retirement, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.
 
Like the guy pictured below,
Yep I saw it right away too....
 
No safety glasses or hearing protection.

And I caught something else that is really important:
 
he has no gloves on.

Be safe out there guys
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline relaxedphit

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #625 on: October 30, 2013, 12:37:30 PM »
That's a redneck vasectomy

Offline Peter Jack

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #626 on: October 30, 2013, 12:45:07 PM »
Probably cure constipation at the same time.  :-o :-o :-D

Pete

Offline rouse

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #627 on: October 30, 2013, 05:07:10 PM »
Crab cure!!!!!! Texas style

Rouse
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Offline Freud

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #628 on: October 30, 2013, 07:21:48 PM »
This was smuggled in from OZ with a forged passport:


woman gets onto a bus with her baby, the  driver says " lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"...she gets her ticket and storms down the bus, as she sits down she looks terribly upset and is cooing to her young 'un, a fellow passenger asks her what is wrong. "the driver just insulted me"....The man says, "Well, you go and give him a piece of your mind while I hold your monkey"
Since '63

Offline jimmy six

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #629 on: October 31, 2013, 11:42:53 AM »
SENIORS & COMPUTERS...........

As we SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
 
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
 
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
 
Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.
 
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:
 
ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little Subaru head
First GMC 6 powered Fuel roadster over 200, with 2 red hats. Pit crew for Patrick Tone's Super Stock #49 Camaro