Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 353750 times)

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Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #525 on: May 13, 2013, 09:28:10 AM »
 :roll:
 Now THATS ^^^^^^^^^^ funny !!!!
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline John Burk

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #526 on: May 13, 2013, 11:41:51 AM »
That's his girlfriend .
http://youtu.be/BVpIhu3FNdk

Offline rouse

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #527 on: May 13, 2013, 06:22:14 PM »
That gives a whole new meaning to the word skid-mark  :-o
Johnnie Rouse
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Offline LSR Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #528 on: May 20, 2013, 03:25:56 PM »
Tool Descriptions...Harvested from my friends at the Mitsubishi Forum

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Mike M.
BNI/ECTA
ECTA Record Holder/Former Bonneville Record Holder

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #529 on: May 20, 2013, 06:38:54 PM »
Mike, I've seen that one -- and others like it -- many, many times.  And yet -- I still get a big smile and chuckle a few times when I read through.  Thanks.
Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #530 on: May 22, 2013, 01:18:41 PM »
This guy is at work and injures himself......He calls home a tells the wife that he cut his finger off in a punch press...His wife exclaims  ..." The whole finger"???...The guy replies ..." No.......The one next to it..." :evil:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Freud

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #531 on: May 24, 2013, 03:40:43 PM »
Do we really need two humor pages?

FREUD
Since '63

Offline SaltRat

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #532 on: May 24, 2013, 05:11:06 PM »
Is two enough?
SaltRat
When (if?) this baby hits 88mph, you'll see some serious poo.

Offline relaxedphit

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #533 on: May 28, 2013, 12:43:28 PM »
We need two avatar pages. I couldn't start one, they alredy have a "people of walmart" site

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #534 on: May 31, 2013, 06:34:38 AM »
Do we really need two humor pages?

FREUD
Wait until I start my build diary.................................. :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Freud

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #535 on: May 31, 2013, 12:21:33 PM »
floydjer, will it be in the humor section?

FREUD
Since '63

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #536 on: May 31, 2013, 12:58:02 PM »
Dan...Not intentionaly :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #537 on: June 05, 2013, 11:51:09 AM »
Not a joke , But humorous none the less.......................I went to Autozone for a weed-whacker spark plug....25 yr.old counter fella asks if I need anything else..."Hmmm..How about wheel cyl. kits for my 1940 Ford 2 dr. sedan" ?...He scrolls for a while...then a while longer ..Then asks " 1/2 ton or 3/4 ton"?  " No,no " I say......" Two door sedan"  (yes I know that Ford used the same chassis from `35 `til `41 on the cars and pick-ups)  He looked at me as only a saddened parent could and said ...matter of factly...." Ford did not make cars in 1940".....Good grief :roll:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Captthundarr

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #538 on: June 05, 2013, 12:56:26 PM »
And thats our future leadership speaking..... :-o
Live,Laugh, Love /  Jack Scratch Racing /ECTA   
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Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #539 on: June 05, 2013, 01:24:18 PM »
Jerry, I'll assume that the book didn't go back that far -- and that's why the young lad said that Ford didn't make cars back then.  If it ain't in the book then it don't exist and never did - right?
Jon E. Wennerberg
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