Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 353748 times)

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Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #510 on: April 17, 2013, 10:09:39 AM »
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #511 on: April 17, 2013, 10:31:49 AM »
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those a*%#holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f$@king sheet rock."
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #512 on: April 17, 2013, 10:36:56 AM »
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam
to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the H-D inside!"

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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #513 on: April 17, 2013, 10:50:42 AM »
By Golly......Pi  IS  3.14.................
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #514 on: April 17, 2013, 12:48:31 PM »
God love the Aussies!



 :cheers:

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline ONEBADBUG

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Press Release
« Reply #515 on: April 17, 2013, 06:32:21 PM »
HARLEY DAVIDSON FACES STIFF COMPETITION FROM JOHNSON MARINE WHO INTRODUCES A NEW LINE OF MOTORCYCLES

At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson. Peter Long, Johnson's Brands Marketing Manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers." Long added, "We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish."

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after."

At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agree. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson," said one Harley owner. "But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson."

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson," said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson," he said. "And I can't imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both."

"Given the choice," said Long, "I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson."


Offline wobblywalrus

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #516 on: April 18, 2013, 10:06:09 PM »
I am happy with my Big Johnson.  It does not start in cold weather.  Lucas electrics.  Operating costs are expensive when it is run on alcohol.  Otherwise, I do not foresee trading it in on a Harley.     

Offline Jon

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #517 on: April 19, 2013, 03:13:36 AM »
Most biker's ladies would be happy with their guy's Big Johnsons, as long as they don't insist on constantly polishing it in the driveway.
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Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #518 on: May 06, 2013, 04:06:17 PM »
A scientist is conducting an experiment on how far a frog is able to jump. For the first trial he places the frog on the table and yells, "Jump!" The frog jumps four feet two inches.

The scientist takes out his notebook and writes in it, "With four legs, frog jumps four feet two inches.
The scientist then takes out a knife, amputates one of the frogs legs and places him back on the table. Again, he yells, "Jump!"

The frog now jumps two feet one inch. The scientist takes out his notebook and writes down, "With three legs, frog jumps two feet one inch."
The scientist takes out a knife again and amputates another leg. He places the frog back on the table and yells, "Jump!"

The frog jumps one foot. The scientist takes out his notebook and writes down, "With two legs, frog jumps one foot."
He takes out his knife and again amputates another leg. He places the frog back on the table and yells, "Jump!"

The frog jumps 5 inches. The scientist takes out his notebook and writes down, "With one leg, frog jumps 5 inches."
He takes out his knife and amputates the remaining leg of the frog. He places the frog back on the table and yells, "Jump!"

The frog doesn't move.

The scientist takes out his notebook and writes down, "Frogs with no legs are deaf."
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #519 on: May 06, 2013, 04:07:46 PM »
After extensive research, scientists have proven that if your parents didn't have any kids, chances are you won't either.
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #520 on: May 08, 2013, 10:17:48 AM »
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline manta22

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #521 on: May 08, 2013, 11:46:35 AM »
Owww-- that hurts!

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ
Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ

Offline relaxedphit

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #522 on: May 10, 2013, 12:31:58 PM »
Is that smoke coming off the tire? I bet the tire wasn't the only thing that locked up that day.

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #523 on: May 10, 2013, 12:57:42 PM »
Analysis, Mr. Spock.

Nice of his buddy to gas it hard in the first place and dump him off the back. He was heading for the pavement . . . if the tire didn't "save" him.

I'm real sure the tire did a good job of grinding through those thin jeans.

The backpack may have taken some of the brunt . . . and strangled him in the process.

Not to mention the vicious nut crunch. OWWOOOOO!
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #524 on: May 13, 2013, 07:49:15 AM »
O.K ...I`ll say it...............................Is that why those are called "Crotch Rockets"????
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.