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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 367391 times)

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Offline USFRAMONTE

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #480 on: January 29, 2013, 05:37:42 PM »
I think that is acute story. 
Gave me a good laugh today, thanks Bob er..Stainless.

Offline Ron Gibson

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #481 on: January 30, 2013, 09:14:53 AM »
 Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave
      myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

      They were not in my pockets or my purse. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

      Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking
      lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

      My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

      As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking
      lot was empty.

      I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car,
      and that it had been stolen.

      Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times
      like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

      There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He
      barked,
      "I dropped you off!"

      Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

      He retorted, "I was on my way, but I'll be delayed."
      "Why is that?" I asked.
      "Because I was pulled over by the police and now have to convince them that I didn't steal your car.
      Yep, it's the golden years.
Ron
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Offline doug odom

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #482 on: January 30, 2013, 10:32:12 AM »
A guy walks into the bar and pulls out a gun.

 He says " I'm here to shoot the SOB that has been having sex with my wife".

 A voice from the back of the room yells out " YOU DIDN'T BRING ENOUGH AMMUNITION ".
Doug Odom in big ditch

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Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #483 on: February 14, 2013, 10:12:20 AM »
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Online Peter Jack

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #484 on: February 14, 2013, 10:38:09 AM »
We've obviously been paying way too much for autobody work!!!  :-D :-D :-D

Pete

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #485 on: February 15, 2013, 08:00:39 AM »
3rd grade teacher asks little Jon to stand and recite a sentence starting with " I"...Jon stands and says " I is..."  The teacher stops him as says " No, That would be incorrect...I am would be proper grammar" Little Jon starts over  " I AM the 9th letter of the alphabet.." :wink:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #486 on: February 24, 2013, 11:20:58 AM »
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . "I've got problems.   Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me 3 times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears !"
"How much do you charge?' "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the expert.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later, he met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, 80 bucks a visit 3 times a week comes to 12,480 dollars a year. It is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
He told me to just cut the legs off the bed!  Ain't nobody under that bed now!"



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Offline Jon

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #487 on: February 25, 2013, 02:41:34 AM »
Underhouse Engineering
Luck = Opportunity + Preparation^3

Online manta22

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #488 on: February 25, 2013, 05:38:25 PM »
That's a slightly modified version of a bogus story that has been around for at least 40 years. It always happened to a "friend".
Now it is in the newspaper??? I guess it does show you why the press has such little credibility these days. Rebecca Dudly should be promptly fired for perpetrating this canard as fact in a newspaper.

Harumph, harumph.  :x

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ
Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ

Offline wobblywalrus

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #489 on: February 25, 2013, 07:55:08 PM »
It fooled me.  It is new for us younger guys.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #490 on: March 01, 2013, 09:14:11 AM »
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. 
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.  :-o
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake!  Leave it on the  porn channel.  You already know how to fish!"
 :cheers:
Stainless
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MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline robfrey

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #491 on: March 04, 2013, 04:11:15 PM »
Perpetual motion machine! It's brilliant!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvRzWYCZ2e0
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Offline bbarn

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Re: Re: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #492 on: March 04, 2013, 05:56:57 PM »
Perpetual motion machine! It's brilliant!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvRzWYCZ2e0

Bring one of your cats over to the dyno, I'll bring the jelly. Let's see if we can get some good numbers on this idea. Silly question, where do we put the input shaft on the transmission and Is your cat a normal GM spline?
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #493 on: March 04, 2013, 11:16:18 PM »
Friend just called, says he invested in a company selling to Iran,
said he thought I should buy in now
They are making land mines that look like prayer mats.  It's doing well. 
He says prophets are going through the roof!

Sorry Jerry couldn't wait for Friday so I posted here.  :-D
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline tauruck

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #494 on: March 05, 2013, 07:33:38 AM »
Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!” She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No baby, I don’t feel like it.” Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?” I said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either…

:-D :-D :-D :-D