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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 203511 times)
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N.F.S.
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« Reply #345 on: December 12, 2010, 01:36:29 PM »

I couldn't figure out why the Frisbee seemed to be getting bigger and bigger... and then it hit me.
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« Reply #346 on: December 14, 2010, 12:52:52 PM »

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax:

  Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.  Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on the list.

  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public
.
  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.

  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

  Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see  one tumble down the stairs.

  Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very  edge of the pool and throw them fish. 
 
  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify", I put "DOCTOR".

,  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

  Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

  The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

  Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

  Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

  Some cause happiness wherever they go.  Others whenever they go.

  There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

  I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.

  When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

  You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

  Some people hear voices.  Some see invisible people.  Others have no imagination whatsoever.

  A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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rambler jack
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« Reply #347 on: December 14, 2010, 03:17:30 PM »

Never go into a battle of wit half armed !
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« Reply #348 on: December 16, 2010, 10:29:03 PM »

Good King Wenceslas calls his regular pizza place.

Pizza guy asks him, "You want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"
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« Reply #349 on: December 22, 2010, 11:41:11 AM »

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."



Merry Christmas to all and to alll a good night!

Buzz1513B
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« Reply #350 on: December 22, 2010, 04:49:05 PM »

 grin
           Now THAT is funny, I don't care who you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!




 grin
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« Reply #351 on: January 11, 2011, 08:48:31 PM »

Stolen from Jack Bogdansky's blog:


How it should be done
At a time when the nation could use some cheering up -- and the need for civility in discourse is on everyone's minds -- here is a collection, sent to us by a friend last week, of high-class insults:

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx



Read more: http://bojack.org/#ixzz1AmVlQwXr
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« Reply #352 on: January 11, 2011, 08:56:22 PM »


How it should be done


 cheers
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Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

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« Reply #353 on: January 13, 2011, 02:13:35 PM »

IRISH TRADITION

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick,took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat  . . . and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August !!!!"
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It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
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« Reply #354 on: January 13, 2011, 02:20:17 PM »

My crazy uncle in Red Bluff sent me that this morning!    cheers

Mike
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« Reply #355 on: January 13, 2011, 02:51:25 PM »

On halloween a young boy goes trick or treating dressed as a pirate. He rings the door bell and when a man answers he says I see you are a pirate. He asks where are your buccaneers. The boy says under my bucking hat.   grin
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #356 on: January 14, 2011, 10:19:16 PM »

Stolen from Jack Bogdansky's blog:


How it should be done
At a time when the nation could use some cheering up -- and the need for civility in discourse is on everyone's minds -- here is a collection, sent to us by a friend last week, of high-class insults:

...

LOL.  I posted that Tuesday morning.  On Thursday morning Jack Bogdanski blogged:

One thing leads to another
Our list of high-class insults from the other day wound up on a bulletin board that also contains this collection of wise sayings:

- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
...


http://bojack.org/2011/01/one_thing_leads_to_another.html#more

"bulletin board" is a link to my Tuesday posting.  He obviously read some of the humor because he borrowed from Rcktscientist's posting of Dec 14 above but without the explanation of "paraprosdokian"

Mike
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« Reply #357 on: January 15, 2011, 11:42:38 AM »


 Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they
 talk about their moonshine operation.

 Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
 cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
 real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
 'Kin ya swallar?'

 The woman shakes her head no.

 Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

 The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
 her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
 tongue.
 The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
 flies out of her mouth.
 As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his
 table.
 His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver'
 but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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« Reply #358 on: January 18, 2011, 09:00:24 PM »

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN:  The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
       
BARACK OBAMA:  The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change!  The chicken wanted change!
       
JOHN McCAIN:  My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
       
HILLARY CLINTON:  When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
       
GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.  The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
       
DICK CHENEY:  Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
       
BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with that chicken.
       
AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.
       
JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
       
AL SHARPTON:  Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
       
DR. PHIL:  The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
       
OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
       
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
       
NANCY GRACE:  That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
       
PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
       
MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
       
DR SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not
been told.
       
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die in the rain, alone.
       
JERRY FALWELL:  Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.'  Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
       
GRANDPA:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
       
BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
       
ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
       
JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
       
BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2011.  This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
       
ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
       
COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one?
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« Reply #359 on: January 18, 2011, 09:54:57 PM »

Thank your uncle for his vision.
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