Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 350286 times)

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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #30 on: May 21, 2009, 09:46:20 AM »
Many,many years ago lived a woman who didn`t whine,complain or b#tch all day long. But that was many,many years ago and just that one day. :evil:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Uncle Jimbo

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #31 on: May 21, 2009, 09:54:42 AM »
 :-D    All my money is now tied up in CD's - It used to be tied up in albums.   :cheers:
From days of old, when knights were bold, and rode Iron Horses
24 Land Speed Records
M/PP 1350 AMA/BUB - M/CPG 1350 - M/CPF 1350 - LTA
M/PG 1650 - M/PF 1650 - AMA/BUB
A/PG 1650 - A/PF 1650 -  ECTA - LTA
Top speed to date 194.664

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #32 on: May 28, 2009, 10:09:22 AM »
While trying to help SSS understand Jon Amo's ab (abdominal) workout routine I found an over 50 workout that I thought was appropriate for LSR....

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb  potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from  your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a  full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can  hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb  potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and  hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level)     
After you feel confident at that level,  put a potato in each bag.  :-D
 :cheers:

Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #33 on: May 28, 2009, 10:18:41 AM »
I don't know, Stainless -- it doesn't sound right to me.  Aren't 5 and 10-pound potato bags usually made of plastic -- and the 50 and 100-pounders out of gunnysack material?  Sounds to me like there'd be an extra-big jump in weight someplace there.
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McRat

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #34 on: May 28, 2009, 11:17:45 AM »
That sounds like a great exercise program.    :-)

I think I should switch to that instead of my "12oz Curls" routine ...








NAH!!!!   :cheers:

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #35 on: May 28, 2009, 01:44:44 PM »
That sounds like a great exercise program.    :-)

I think I should switch to that instead of my "12oz Curls" routine ...

NAH!!!!   :cheers:

Actually the two routines could work together.... I usually do 12 oz curls... decreasing weights... multiple repetitions.... but then I discovered the potato thing.....  Don't worry SSS, if you can't do the 50# for a full minute right away.... work yourself up to it... the last thing you need is to get injured exercising this close to racing
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #36 on: May 29, 2009, 09:12:10 AM »
I got these from my 90-year old aunt just yesterday:

Arbitrator:  A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable:  What a bullfighter tries to do

Bernadette:  The act of torching the mortgage

Control:  A short ugly inmate

Counterfeiters:  Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse:  What a British barber does for a living

Eyedropper:  A clumsy opthalmologist

Heroes:  What a guy in a small boat does

Leftbank:  What the robber did when his bag was full of money

The other ten will sooner or later be posted.
Jon E. Wennerberg
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 (that's way up north)
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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #37 on: June 04, 2009, 07:50:27 AM »
Deaf guy go to the store to buy condoms. Not knowing how to "sign" for what he wants, He exposes himself and puts $10 onthe counter. Clerk looks at him and shakes his head. Deaf guy thinks " Hmmm.... Must be some high priced condoms" and places  $20 next the the first bill. Clerk lays his manhood on the counter ,picks up both bills on walks away. Deaf guy goes off  and starts "signing" all sorts of vulgar stuff at the clerk. the clerk says...." If you can`t afford to lose, Don`t bet"
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #38 on: June 04, 2009, 08:32:13 PM »
Two French paratroopers were sent to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar.

 "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow' av  you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I  'av  'ad  ze most terrible day! Terrible!!                                                                                                                                                               &n bsp;    At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg  'airy  sergeant.

'E dragged me out of ze bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened ! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle
platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e  said  "Jurmp "

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not.  I told  'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five
feet.  Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen  'e  made me climb up zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze
ground, and  'e  said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not.  I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten
feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform  wun' undred feet above ze
parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said
 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre  Bleu!  mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp ?"

"A leetle beet, rite at ze beginning."
 
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #39 on: June 04, 2009, 08:56:59 PM »
Well, speaking of condoms . . .

A man from Pennsylvania is coming back from his first trip to Bonneville.  He stops in Iowa City, Iowa to get gas, and decides to check out the farmers market downtown. 

He comes across a farmer selling sweet corn (in season, of course), and inquires with the grower about his produce.

"Best in the Midwest", said the confident farmer, obviously proud of his product.  "Here, try an ear", he said, and shucked it raw, right there in front of him.

The wary Pennsylvanian said, "What, raw sweet corn?"

"Picked just hours ago - you'll never taste anything better".

Sure enough, the raw sweet corn tasted heavenly.  "I've got to take some of this home", said the Pennsylvanian to the farmer.  "How many ears do you have?", he asked.

"I've got twelve dozen left", said the farmer.  He continued, "If I can get all of this sold before two o'clock, I can still get down to St. Louis in time for the Cardinals game against the Cubs.  Why don't you make me an offer?"

The two haggled over price for a few minutes, and finally agreed upon $3.00 a dozen for the whole lot.

The Pennsylvanian handed the farmer $36.00, and the farmer, noticing the customer's license plates, helped him load the corn into his car.  But before they parted company, the farmer added, "You're going to want to shuck that corn and wrap it, or it won't keep until you get home".

The Pennsylvanian asked, "What method would you recommend?"

"Get yourself some unlubricated condoms, shuck the corn, put the ear in the condom, and tie it off.  It'll keep for weeks that way", said the farmer.

The Pennsylvanian and the farmer parted company, the farmer heading to St. Louis to see the Red Birds clobber the Cubs, and the Pennsylvanian driving on to Davenport, where he was planning on spending the night.  Before he got to his hotel, he stopped at the Walgreen's, and went back to talk to the Pharmacist.

"I need a gross of unlubricated condoms, sir!", said the Pennsylvanian.

Somewhat surprised by the request, the Pharmacist was nevertheless able to fill the order, and the Pennsylvanian left just as the store was closing.

He immediately went to his room at the Red Roof Inn, and started shucking corn, carefully wrapping each ear as the farmer had described. 

But when he came to the last ear, he realized that the Pharmacist had shorted him one condom!  He recounted the ears, and sure enough, 144 ears, 143 condoms.

The next morning, the Pennsylvanian went back to the Walgreen's, approached the Pharmacist and said, in a not-too-polite tone, "I came in last night to buy twelve dozen condoms, and you only gave me 143!"

The Pharmacist, embarrassed by his oversight, said, "Sir, I'm so sorry I ruined your stay in Davenport!"
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #40 on: June 05, 2009, 10:52:40 PM »
Speaking of the " Cubs".....The bride and I went to the local minor league park last night for a game. Guy behind us says to his buddy...".Know what "Cubs" stands for?"...." C ompletely U seless B y S eptember. :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #41 on: June 18, 2009, 11:21:25 AM »
Just received via email from an local Bonneville record holder:

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
 
The waitress asks them for their orders.
 
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

She turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
 
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order, "That will be $9.40  please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
 
The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
 
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
 
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
 
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,"  says the man.
 
"Same," says the ostrich.
 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
 
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
 
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
 
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My  first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
 
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll  always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
 
"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
 
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
 
The man  sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #42 on: June 26, 2009, 09:16:02 AM »
Six yr. old kid runs into his school room and yells -'Ms. Davis ,There`s a cat on the play ground and I think he`s dead"! Teacher asks why he thinks the cat is dead. Kid says- " I p#ss%d in his ear and he didn`t move" Teacher says ' You did WHAT"???!!! Kid says " You know,...you put your lips by their ear and go "Pssst"  :wink:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline DallasV

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #43 on: June 26, 2009, 11:51:21 AM »
These are 2 poems of the search for ones soul mate. One written by a woman one written by a man. Very touching, the las one brings a tear to my eye.


WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
 I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
 One who's handsome, smart and strong.
 One who loves to listen long,
 One who thinks before he speaks,
 One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
 I pray he's gainfully employed,
 When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
 Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
 Massages my back and begs to do more.
 Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
 Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
 I pray that this man will love me to no end,
 And always be my very best friend.
 
 
 MAN'S POEM

 I pray for a wealthy deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
 who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
 doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s#it.
Records or parts, I didn't come all this way not to break something.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #44 on: June 26, 2009, 01:26:07 PM »
With all due respects, I'd prefer one with a liquor store and a chrome shop.

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!