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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 374223 times)

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Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #285 on: July 25, 2010, 06:32:19 PM »
:-o I think we all should ab stain with the Lewinski jokes!   

Crow,
You are right, let's just let this blow over.

No Lewinski Jokes?  That suc . . .

oh, never mind . . .
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #286 on: July 26, 2010, 09:18:58 PM »
That was the best you could "come" up with??????? :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stan Back

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #287 on: July 27, 2010, 10:52:47 AM »
Don't be hard on him.
Past Member of the San Berdoo Roadsters -- "California's Most-Exclusive Roadster Club" -- Fifty-Seven Years of Leadership  Is Enough

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #288 on: July 27, 2010, 11:24:54 AM »
Stan, don't be such a softy!

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #289 on: July 28, 2010, 01:08:33 PM »
I`m with Mike on that one....Give `em the shaft, Stan
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stan Back

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #290 on: July 28, 2010, 01:27:05 PM »
Give that man a cigar -- he's the weiner!
Past Member of the San Berdoo Roadsters -- "California's Most-Exclusive Roadster Club" -- Fifty-Seven Years of Leadership  Is Enough

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #291 on: July 28, 2010, 06:26:22 PM »
The other guitarist in my band actually met ML at a party when he lived with his brother in LA.  He said, "She was kind of a pr#ck."

I thought that an odd turn of a phrase, because usually when you're talking trash about a girl, the "B" word,  or (and heaven forbid anywhere around my wife) the "C" word is used instead of the "P" word.

I thought about it a second, and in a moment of lager induced inspiration, I replied, "Well, you are what you eat."

You just don't get setups like that very often - so I take 'em when I can.
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline landsendlynda

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #292 on: July 28, 2010, 10:14:11 PM »
You know, you guys have pretty much sucked this fish dry....

Lynda
Volunteer roadblock at Land's End! Yes, you need your stinkin badge! I'm your Dream Keeper, I protect your dream on the asphalt so you can chase your dream on the salt!

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #293 on: July 29, 2010, 08:07:27 AM »
We have??? Awww.. nuts, that`s hard to swallow...But thanks for the tip :evil: Glad you took time to ad dress this.................... :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline k.h.

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #294 on: August 04, 2010, 04:00:03 PM »
From the lead up  to a recent wedding in the Clinton family:
 
Hillary, playing the perfect Mom, asked Chelsea...

"Have you had sex with Marc?"
 
Chelsea responded.... "Well, not according to Dad."
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline DavidinDurango

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #295 on: August 04, 2010, 05:11:46 PM »


My Monica hat.  Yes, I'm the stylish breeder.
DavidinDurango
Mostly Fords with "some stuff"
LSR, because it takes more than one ball to play.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #296 on: August 04, 2010, 09:22:24 PM »
It looks like my crazy uncle in Red Bluff is finally off of his meds again:   :cheers:

MURDER AT WALMART
 
 
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
 
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'  Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Uwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
 
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
 
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
(You're going to hate me for this...)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

 :mrgreen:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline bbarn

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #297 on: August 05, 2010, 10:06:50 AM »
It looks like my crazy uncle in Red Bluff is finally off of his meds again:   :cheers:

MURDER AT WALMART
 
 
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
 
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'  Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Uwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
 
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
 
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
(You're going to hate me for this...)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

 :mrgreen:

http://instantrimshot.com/ There...all better now.  :-D
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #298 on: August 05, 2010, 02:11:55 PM »
Hey Mike,   Wrong thread /Wrong day.................... :evil: :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #299 on: August 11, 2010, 06:44:46 PM »
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff doesn't care what day it is  :mrgreen:

Las Vegas Churches Accept Gambling Chips

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.




\/






\/








\/







Of course, it is done by the chip monks.

Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!