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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 349039 times)

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Offline 1212FBGS

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #270 on: June 10, 2010, 03:21:13 PM »
boy how true that is..... i bought a old sprint car, my wife buys an Audi TT...... I get a dog, my wife buys a Hummer..... what i dont think is fair is she took all three in the divorce.... miss that dog.... true not a joke!
kent

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #271 on: June 10, 2010, 07:51:29 PM »
 :-D  But you got Troy!
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline isiahstites

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #272 on: June 12, 2010, 11:45:38 PM »
boy how true that is..... i bought a old sprint car, my wife buys an Audi TT...... I get a dog, my wife buys a Hummer..... what i dont think is fair is she took all three in the divorce.... miss that dog.... true not a joke!
kent

No Subaru! The last bike I bought cost me a new diamond ring.

Offline Cajun Kid

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #273 on: June 13, 2010, 08:45:33 AM »
boy how true that is..... i bought a old sprint car, my wife buys an Audi TT...... I get a dog, my wife buys a Hummer..... what i dont think is fair is she took all three in the divorce.... miss that dog.... true not a joke!
kent

No Subaru! The last bike I bought cost me a new diamond ring.

I can top that,, The first shop and the Vicky cost me a swimming pool and deck (for my wife and kids) the New Shop cost me a 2008 Mercedes Benz for my Wife... The Stude,,, heck I am so broke now I may not have to reciprocate on this one  :evil: :evil: :cheers: :cheers:

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Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #274 on: July 04, 2010, 12:58:51 PM »
Young Cousin Becky went fishing, her first time, and came back to the cabin with one fish on her stringer.

"Look, Pa, I caught me a twelve inch trout!" she exclaimed.

Her father looked at the fish with grave concern.  He didn't want to hurt the young girl's feelings, but what she had on her stringer was a two inch minnow.

"Well, ain't that fine, Becky", he said, but then added, "But you haven't done a lot of fishin'.  What makes you think that's a twelve inch trout?"

"Well, I have to admit it", said Becky, "I don't know if it's a trout or not, but it shore looks like cousin Jethro's twelve inch trout!"



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Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

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Online 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #275 on: July 14, 2010, 10:39:06 AM »
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff has broken his silence: 

WHY  WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my  wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to  browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six  months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a  trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's  restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved  a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set  up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd  invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his  'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 :cheers:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline bbarn

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #276 on: July 14, 2010, 10:43:08 AM »
Why men shouldn't write advice columns:

I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Online 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #277 on: July 15, 2010, 12:20:59 PM »
NOT from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A young cowboy from  Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!  They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.  "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot Old Blue, before he talks to your mother."

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.   :cheers:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #278 on: July 20, 2010, 01:48:32 PM »
A guy goes to the doctor because of an ear problem. Doc. asks him to describe the symptoms. Guy says; "Homer is big and fat, Marge is skinny with blue hair" :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #279 on: July 24, 2010, 04:13:22 PM »
 

A gas station owner back East someplace was trying to increase his sales.  So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with a Fill-Up.'

Soon a 'busa rider pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The 'busa rider guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, the same rider, along with a buddy, Bubba (a Harley rider), pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. 'Busa man guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, 'busa said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Bubba replied, "No it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
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Offline k.h.

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #280 on: July 24, 2010, 11:26:42 PM »
BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday.



Monica Lewinsky turns 44.   
Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast, don't they?
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline maguromic

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #281 on: July 24, 2010, 11:40:51 PM »
After reading this I almost chocked on my evening cigar.  :lol: Tony
“If you haven’t seen the future, you are not going fast enough”

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #282 on: July 24, 2010, 11:56:50 PM »


Monica Lewinsky turns 44.   
Can you believe it?
Ahh, the return of the human humidor.
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #283 on: July 25, 2010, 10:44:10 AM »
 :-o I think we all should ab stain with the Lewinski jokes!   
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline salt27

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #284 on: July 25, 2010, 12:56:25 PM »
:-o I think we all should ab stain with the Lewinski jokes!   

Crow,
You are right, let's just let this blow over.