Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 341880 times)

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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #225 on: February 18, 2010, 08:49:56 AM »
8 guys graduate from med. school together. They decide to meet in ten year intervals to compare lives. At 35, they  meet at Guido`s because the waitresses have big breasts and wear low cut tops. At 45 ,they meet at Guido`s because of the buffet. At 55, It`s Guido`s since they have a "Heart-Smart' special. Come 65, They choose Guido`s for the quiet back room. where you don`t need to yell over the music. 75 rolls around and Guido`s is chosen because it`s handicap accessable. At 85 ,They agree on Guido`s because none of them have been there before. :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

HotRodV8

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #226 on: February 18, 2010, 05:22:08 PM »
My psychiatrist asked me if I had difficulty making decisions?
I said, well... yes and no.

She also said I was doing very well and I could now lay on top of the couch.  :-o

HotRodV8

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #227 on: February 18, 2010, 05:24:44 PM »
One day I was so hungry, but the way I felt, I just couldn't eat on an empty stomach.  :cheers:

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #228 on: February 22, 2010, 04:43:26 PM »
After a long night of passion the guy notices a photo of another man on the dressing table.

He's curious. "Is this your husband?" he asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, stop worrying," she says, nibbling at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, of course not! Are you jealous? I love it when you're jealous." she answered.

"Well, who the hell is he, then." he demands.

"Oh, alright then, if you must know," she whispers in his ear, "That was me before the surgery."
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline aircap

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #229 on: February 22, 2010, 08:27:22 PM »
Yowza. :-o

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #230 on: February 23, 2010, 09:30:17 AM »
If Abe Lincoln was so honest,....Why are banks closed on his birthday???
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline k.h.

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #231 on: February 23, 2010, 09:40:28 AM »
If Superman is so smart, why does he wear his underpants outside of his trousers?
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #232 on: February 23, 2010, 09:42:54 AM »
Ask the invisable man and Wonder Woman about that Super dude!
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

HotRodV8

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #233 on: February 23, 2010, 09:43:59 AM »
If Abe Lincoln was so honest,....Why are banks closed on his birthday???


?Because the banks are dishonest?  :?


Honest!

Offline landsendlynda

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #234 on: March 02, 2010, 10:23:55 PM »
What do you call a broken Gecko?


Reptile dysfunction.
Volunteer roadblock at Land's End! Yes, you need your stinkin badge! I'm your Dream Keeper, I protect your dream on the asphalt so you can chase your dream on the salt!

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #235 on: March 08, 2010, 07:45:35 PM »
How Fights Start.......   
 
 
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started....
================

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
 ================

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
 ================

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
 ================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
================

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
================

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...
 
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #236 on: March 09, 2010, 05:23:20 PM »
Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was. 
 
"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irish man smiled, doffing his cap.  As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant, "those fellas at Ford think of everything!"

 :cheers:

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #237 on: March 10, 2010, 02:20:01 PM »
As long as we are telling religious jokes...  :cheers:
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, as he reaches for them, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he sees a parrot. "Who are you?" the burglar asks."Moses," the bird replied."Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed."I dunno," Moses answered," I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline k.h.

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #238 on: March 17, 2010, 03:45:11 PM »
Following Sunday service, a lad is looking at a bronze plaque with a list of names on the wall of a church foyer.  "What's that?" he asks the preacher.

"Why, that's a memorial to those who died in the service."

"Which one," says the boy, "8:00 a.m., or 10:30?"
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline k.h.

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #239 on: March 17, 2010, 09:10:51 PM »
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think
from listening to you, that you're from Ireland. 
 
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
 
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are
ya from?'
 
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
 
The first one responds, 'So, am I!!  And what street did you
live on in Dublin ?'
 
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west
end. I lived on  Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
 
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I!  So
did I!  And what school did ya go to?'
 
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart Of
Mary, of course.'
 
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!  Tell
me, what year did you graduate?'
 
The other woman answers, 'Now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
 
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down
upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the
same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart
Of Mary in 1964 me self!
 
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders
a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
 
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
 
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

Cheers to we sons of the old sod, (for today anyway).  O' k.h.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut