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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 341631 times)

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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #210 on: January 08, 2010, 07:33:54 AM »
Little John the Baptist
 

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.  He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.  She smiled and went about her work. 
 
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that!  Cats don't like water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church!"

Pretty sure that loud bumping noise is my Baptist mother rotating in her grave.(on the other hand, Her only son thought it was great) :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #211 on: January 11, 2010, 12:09:51 PM »
For your edification -- but I'll offer that it sounds like a couple of the "California guys" that are on this site. . .

Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #212 on: January 11, 2010, 12:39:39 PM »
That's good!  But you don't have to waste photobucket space as it's also on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_6I50oXAVM

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #213 on: January 11, 2010, 01:09:42 PM »
Thanks -- but since last year, when I posted so much during the events and the Shootout -- I have a Photobucket "pro" account which allows me a big handful of empty gigabytes for storage for my $25/year.  And also -- I don't spend much time at youtube -- only have gone there by following someone else's link to a video.
Jon E. Wennerberg
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 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
2 Club member x2
Owner of landracing.com

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #214 on: January 11, 2010, 01:30:58 PM »
...also -- I don't spend much time at youtube -- only have gone there by following someone else's link to a video.

Pretty much the same for me.  But, I wanted to email it to my "elderly" uncles  :mrgreen: and didn't want to steal your bandwidth, so I went looking - took all of 5 seconds to find the second version.

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #215 on: January 11, 2010, 02:18:17 PM »
Speaking of "You tube"....Log on there and type "Tim Wilson" in the search bar. And don`t blame me for all the vugarities that stream out. :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #216 on: January 25, 2010, 03:17:28 PM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Heaven

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.  'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' 

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.  'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.  This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 :cheers:
 
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline k.h.

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #217 on: January 25, 2010, 05:22:09 PM »
My, my.  Stan Boreson and his basset hound, No Motion, named after the unlimited hydroplane, Slo Motion, both Seattle natives.  He had a kids show on local TV in the afternoon hours with "salty Scandenavian schtick."  Now 85, he doesn't look a day over 84.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #218 on: January 26, 2010, 10:20:22 PM »
I thought I'd run G Production.
Watcha think?

Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #219 on: January 26, 2010, 11:29:15 PM »
OW!  That HURTS!

Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #220 on: January 27, 2010, 09:12:47 AM »
Dean, someone is upset with you, you link has been teminated... however here is a little entertainment to keep the thread running
 :cheers:

I called a company and orderd their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands a voluptuous, athletic, 21 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduced herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign read 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I gave up..

The same girl showed up for the next four days and the same thing happened. On the fifth day, I weighed myself and was delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised. I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stood the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that read, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I was out the door after her like a shot. That girl was in excellent shape and I did my best, but no luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happened.  I am gradually getting in better and better shape and almost caught her on the last day.

Much to my delight when I weighed myself on the fifth day I discovered that I lost another 20 lbs. as promised. I decided to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asked the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' I said, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I opened it I found a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

I lost about 63 pounds that week.   :-D

 

Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline wobblywalrus

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #221 on: January 27, 2010, 11:40:03 PM »
That's a good one.

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #222 on: February 11, 2010, 10:12:10 AM »
3 foot tall guy runs in the door of a Doctor`s office yelling "Help,help...I`m shrinking" Doc. says " Calm down......be a little patient"
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #223 on: February 11, 2010, 10:07:04 PM »
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.  She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.  In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in intensive care.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.  As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.  She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.  She was jubilant.  Then she remembered her husband.  Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.  She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!  I hope you're proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in intensive care!  It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!  For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.  He will now be your career!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.  He's dead.  Show me what you bought."



Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline bbarn

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
« Reply #224 on: February 12, 2010, 09:57:46 AM »
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.