Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 354656 times)

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Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #180 on: November 27, 2009, 01:15:15 PM »
Mrs. B was in a foul mood last night so I asked what was wrong. She said winter is here,it`s cold, snowy and nasty and a group of her friends are going to Hawaii for a month but she can`t go because I`m spending the family fortune building my `liner. I`m a sensitive guy, So I know how to handle women. I bought her a snow blower. It needs a head gasket, but once she fixes that, she should be able to earn money clearing the neighbors drives/walks and join her pals. I`ll  keep you posted on how this turns out. :wink:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline wolcottjl

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #181 on: November 27, 2009, 01:53:10 PM »
Carrie Prejean said yesterday that the solo sex tape of her that's on the Internet was a gift from her to her boyfriend.

I have to admit, as a guy, it sure beats a sweater and Old Spice...




A new report found that there are 237 millionaires in Congress.

Some of that is oil money, some of it is from family money, but mostly it's just old fashioned bribes.




Just read on google news that the FDA has approved a new drug that will give people longer eyelashes.

Well, thank God we are not wasting time and money on cancer research.

Joel Wolcott
Moving to 2 wheels in 2010

Offline DavidinDurango

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #182 on: November 27, 2009, 06:35:39 PM »
Never mind, I probably can't say that here . . . .
DavidinDurango
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LSR, because it takes more than one ball to play.

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #183 on: November 27, 2009, 09:12:47 PM »
 :cheers: Your probably right!         Crow.
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #184 on: November 27, 2009, 09:56:02 PM »
Behavioral psychology is the science of pulling habits out of rats.

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #185 on: November 28, 2009, 07:02:06 PM »
Never mind, I probably can't say that here . . . .
Go ahead.....I`ll read it
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Online Stainless1

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #186 on: December 01, 2009, 10:09:09 PM »
We all know Stan is getting on in years.....

Stan's doctor requested a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave him a jar and said, 'Stan, take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day Stan reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, it was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and Stan explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!  'Stan! You asked the neighbor lady?'

Stan replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'  :-D

Similarity to anyone on this board is purely coincidental....  :roll:
Stainless
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MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #187 on: December 02, 2009, 10:34:00 AM »
Why did the chicken cross the road? That`s where he left his coupe. ( Yes I know...C-o-o-p)
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #188 on: December 02, 2009, 05:35:59 PM »
Why did the punk rocker cross the road? Because he had a chicken stapled to his forehead.
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #189 on: December 02, 2009, 09:10:23 PM »
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the deer how to do it safely.

Anyone for grilled venison?
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #190 on: December 04, 2009, 08:40:24 AM »
Who was the little girl that scared away the wolf by belching at him??? Oh yeah....."Little rude riding hood"
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline bbarn

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #191 on: December 04, 2009, 09:30:19 AM »
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the deer how to do it safely.

Anyone for grilled venison?

Here you go MM.

I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline floydjer

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #192 on: December 11, 2009, 06:39:44 PM »
Woman is in line at the grocery store with two small girls by her side. Guy behind her asks if the girls are twins. Woman says "No.....You think they look that much alike""? Guy says " No, You are just so ugly I didn`t think anyone would do you twice" :evil:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #193 on: December 15, 2009, 01:53:36 PM »
Subject: Early Dismissal

It is near the Christmas break of the school
year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really
nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to
have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I
ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want
to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven
Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says,
"Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can gohome."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says,
"Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your
country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,
"John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able
to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bit*#$ would
keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID
THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
« Reply #194 on: December 15, 2009, 06:59:31 PM »
True story-

You may or may not know this, but back before a certain SDRC member got into the fiberglass motorcycle fairing business, he used to sell furniture.  (In the interest of confidentiality, he shall remain nameless, but, as a hint, his initials are Kent Riches). 

Now being the enterprising young dude that he was, he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, and although he had never traveled outside the USA, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed, and to hear Kent tell it, to this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
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