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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 879962 times)

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Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3720 on: September 07, 2018, 06:51:04 PM »
I thought it was Friday?  :?

ALL PUNS INTENDED

 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
 
 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
 
 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
 
 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

 7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!'
     exclaims Daisy.

 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came          out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. Then there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

21. Dogs can't operate MRI machines but cats can.

22. Our mountains aren't just funny - they're hill areas.

23. Turning vegan would be a big missed steak.

24. Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

25. Forget world peace try visualizing your turn signals!

26. Life is short, if you can't laugh at yourself, call me - I will!

27. What i if I told you, you read the first part of this sentence wrong?

28. Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.

29. My mood ring is missing and I don't know how I feel about that.

30. I scream, you scream, the police come, it gets awkward.

31. Despite the high cost of living it remains popular.

32. I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don't know Y.

33. Cow stumbles into a pot field, the steaks have never been higher.

34. Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

35. Looking for fresh vegetable puns - lettuce know.

36. He who laughs last - didn't get it!

37. Big shout out to my fingers! I can always count on them.

38. Is irony the opposite of wrinkly?

39. Tried to grab some fog but I mist.

40. If you suck at playing the trumpet that may be why.

41. When you are down by the see and an eel bites your knee - that's a moray.

42. For chemists alcohol is not a problem - it's a solution!
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3721 on: September 07, 2018, 07:09:22 PM »
I think I'm getting lazier as I age.  I got cut off by a someone in traffic today, so I rolled down my window, held my hand out and stuck my pinky in the air.

He wasn't worth the whole bird.

"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3722 on: September 14, 2018, 07:21:45 AM »
I needed to know the weight of my pet whale....so I took him to a whale weigh station
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3723 on: September 14, 2018, 07:22:26 AM »
….He`s been eating a lot of fish and ships...……...
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3724 on: September 14, 2018, 07:57:42 AM »
If Patti posted that I'd say Mammal that sounds like a good fish story except...
 :cheers:
Stainless
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Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3725 on: September 14, 2018, 08:17:55 AM »

 Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner:

 ♦ I read that 4,153,237 people were married last year. Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn’t that be an even number?

 ♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 ♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

 ♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 ♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 ♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

 ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!  :x

 ♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

 ♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

 ♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

 ♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 ♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

 ♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor".

 ♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 ♦  Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.

 ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen,              Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
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Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3726 on: September 14, 2018, 08:25:09 AM »

 ♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.


 :?

I've got a mail slot in the door . . .  :cry:
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline ggl205

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3727 on: September 14, 2018, 10:15:32 AM »

 Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner:

 ♦ I read that 4,153,237 people were married last year. Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn’t that be an even number?

 ♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 ♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

 ♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 ♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 ♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

 ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!  :x

 ♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

 ♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

 ♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

 ♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 ♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

 ♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor".

 ♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 ♦  Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.

 ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen,              Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.


Woody, please send these to me in an e-mail. To funny not to widely  redistribute.

John

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3728 on: September 14, 2018, 11:47:10 AM »

  4,153,237 people were married last year....but shouldn’t that be an even number?

  The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.


There's your odd number.   :mrgreen:
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3729 on: September 14, 2018, 12:14:40 PM »
Yo Stainless...……………...I replaced our bed with a trampoline and Patti hit the roof...…………..
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3730 on: September 14, 2018, 12:18:49 PM »
speaking of wives....Anyone know how to disable the auto-correct function on them ???
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3731 on: September 14, 2018, 12:25:29 PM »
Know what I did before I got married???...Any G/D*mn thing I wanted to do :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3732 on: September 14, 2018, 12:36:43 PM »
Reminds me of the drug addict fisherman that caught a duck...Now he`s hooked on quack
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3733 on: September 14, 2018, 09:59:56 PM »
Jerry... u r 2 fun knee
Stainless
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Offline tauruck

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3734 on: September 14, 2018, 10:02:13 PM »
Jerry for president. Period.
Hey Jerry, what's your thing with ducks????. :-D