Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 868409 times)

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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3165 on: March 03, 2017, 07:59:39 AM »
Why did Eve leave the garden of Eden for New York??? She fell for the big apple..........
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3166 on: March 03, 2017, 08:00:36 AM »
Where do bugs go to watch the Superbowl????...Apple bees :cheers:
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Offline salt27

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3167 on: March 03, 2017, 10:22:44 AM »
Why was the apple alone with the orange?

Because the banana split.   :roll:

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3168 on: March 03, 2017, 10:52:29 AM »
Maybe we all saw this one, maybe not.

Toivo and Eino were pretty were about seven bottles into a six pack of Bosch beer when Toivo started talking about hunting.  He said "Hey, Eino, did you know that elk mate 10 or fifteen times a day during their season?"

Eino looked into his beer and said "Dang, and I yust joined the Eagles."
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3169 on: March 03, 2017, 11:03:31 AM »
20% of all traffic accidents in Sweden involve a moose. I guess moose`s are bad drivers...................
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3170 on: March 03, 2017, 11:05:50 AM »
Famous last words of a Yooper.." Hey..That bear cub looks like he`s lost..let`s take him home with us....."
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Offline salt27

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3171 on: March 03, 2017, 11:46:29 AM »
A man goes to the cinema to watch a movie.

He sits down and notices a moose in the seat next to him.

He says "say, aren't you a moose"?

The moose replies "yes I am".

The man says "what are you doing in here"?

The moose replies "well, I liked the book".

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3172 on: March 03, 2017, 11:59:59 AM »
Ok.........................this guy is driving down a country road and his car stalls out on him. He get`s out and opens the hood when a voice from behind him says " Float`s  probably stuck in the carb.....Give it a smack with a screwdriver.."  The guy turns around and there stands a moose. After getting the car re-started he drives into town and shares his story w/ a gas station employee. The gas station guy asks.." was it a big brown moose with half his antlers missing?  The guys says that as a matter of fact..It WAS. Station att. says " That`s lefty...he doesn`t know sh^t about cars.."
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Offline Ron Gibson

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3173 on: March 03, 2017, 12:16:06 PM »
A guy was driving down the road in front of an insane asylum when one of his wheels falls off. He finds the wheel but the lug nuts are gone. There is an inmate standing behind the fence watching what is happening. The driver is puzzled aboutwhat to do.
The inmate says "why don't you take one lug nut off of the other three wheels and use them to hold the wheel on. If you drive slowly they will get you to town for repairs."
The driver says "that is very smart, why do they have you in a place like this"?
The inmate answers "they have me in here for being insane not stupid"

Ron
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3174 on: March 03, 2017, 12:58:47 PM »
Hmmm...letting up on the mooses  are we ??   This guy is feeling down and depressed, so he goes to see a therapist...he spends about an hour spilling out his heart and explaining why he feels so insecure and inferior. the Dr. stops him in mid-sentence and says" what you have is low self esteem...Very common among losers like you " :cheers:
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Offline Model A coupe

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3175 on: March 09, 2017, 10:48:56 PM »
How did the hipster burn his toung?
He drank coffee before it was cool.

Offline tauruck

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3176 on: March 10, 2017, 12:48:38 AM »
All good ones. Thanks. :-D :-D :-D

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3177 on: March 10, 2017, 07:08:50 AM »
People used to laugh when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.....They aren`t laughing now................... :cheers:
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Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3178 on: March 10, 2017, 09:22:27 AM »
Missed last Friday so ............. :-o :-o :-o

1.  Two scientists walk into a bar.  One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.”  The second scientist says, “I’ll have an H20 too please.  The second scientist dies. [Hydrogen peroxide]

2.   A square, a triangle, and a hexagon walk into a bar.  The bartenders says, “Looks like you guys could use a round.”

3.   A Don’t Walk sign walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t do that!”

4.   A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Have you heard the joke that doesn’t have a punch line”?  And the bartender says, “No.”

5.   A snail walks into a bar and the bartender throws her out.  A couple weeks later, the snail walks back into the bar and says, “Why did you do that?”

6.   Don’t wear headphones when vacuuming.  I just finished the whole house and then realized the vacuum cleaner was not plugged in.

7.   Her simile was as warm a ray of morning sunshine.

8.   The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe.

9.   Whoever invented the Counterfeit Detecting Pen was write on the money.

10.  Five out of every 3 people have trouble with fractions.

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).
 
    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

    We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

    I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

    Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3179 on: March 17, 2017, 08:05:19 AM »
Aye..Lettin` me start are you???..I tried to borrow money from a leprechaun, But he was a little short....
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.