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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 969426 times)

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Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2850 on: May 27, 2016, 08:58:54 AM »
1.     I  tried that new grapefruit diet that consists of eating 12 grapefruit a day.  I lost weight, but every time I went to the bathroom, I squirted myself in the eye.

2.     A photon walks to airport security.  The agent asks if she has any luggage.  The photon says, “No, I am traveling light.”

3.     What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

4.     A hyperbole walks into a bar and literally tears it to smithereens with his bare hands.

5.     Randy is afraid of negative numbers.  He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I'm sure glad I don't make these up!  :x :-D

Bonus: Blonde looks at her boyfriend's phone and wants to know who the hell is Amber Alert!
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Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2851 on: May 27, 2016, 09:26:05 AM »
#1:   Nyehh

#2:   Not bad but could use a bit of development

#3:   Good

#4:   Superb!!

#5:   Classically fine

Thanks.  Where do you get 'em?
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2852 on: May 27, 2016, 12:33:13 PM »
sorry I`m late...The bride`s birthday.......what is a King`s favorite type of weather???   " Hail " !
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline bbarn

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2853 on: May 27, 2016, 12:36:42 PM »
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You may think it's the RRRRR, but it's the C that they're in love with!  Aye
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2854 on: May 27, 2016, 12:41:54 PM »
Of course the Queen prefers ...' Reighn "
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2855 on: May 27, 2016, 12:58:47 PM »
To keep it on topic, bbarn, years ago I just couldn't bring myself to buy any Apple products.  They seemed beneath my level of integrity as I wasn't interested in supporting all their pirated products.
Oh, you weren't aware that they did that?  It's true... all of their stuff is pirated.  And I'm sure Steve Jobs is still chuckling in his grave about how he put one over on so many people with his aye-pod, his aye-pad his aye-phone, etc.
Just sayin'
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Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2856 on: May 27, 2016, 01:01:33 PM »
And SSS your jokes are not nearly as funny as Woody's.  Try and step it up a notch or two would ya'?
2006 SCTA High Points Champeen
2006 Dirty "2" Wrench Of The Year
Bonneville "2" Club 2003
El Mirage Dirty "2"'s 2006
Bonneville Records: G/GS, F/GS (Boy)  G/FS (Girl)
El Mirage Records: F/BFS, F/FS, F/GS, I/FS, I/GS, K/BGS
FIA Records A, II, 8
Unlimited License
300mph line qualified (305.129 best mile speed)
The older half of San Diego's Fastest Couple
2016 Man of Distinction Award
DLRA 2019 Top Speed of The Meet

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2857 on: May 27, 2016, 01:17:20 PM »
Jim, I work hard to hold back - so I allow folks with even a portion of comedy sense to hold forth.  I sure don't want to show off too much.  That's for Nancy to do. :evil:
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Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2858 on: May 27, 2016, 01:46:31 PM »
sorry I`m late...The bride`s birthday.......what is a King`s favorite type of weather???   " Hail " !
Of course the Queen prefers ...' Reighn "

my thought is that kings n queens prefer reign but horses prefer no rein...
of course those thoughts get my giddy up  :cheers:
Stainless
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Offline Ron Gibson

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2859 on: May 27, 2016, 01:56:28 PM »
That's what I want for the BSF "NO REIN". :-D :-D

Ron
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Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2860 on: June 03, 2016, 07:30:58 AM »
Recycled from eons ago:

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes, I did. He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant? This is side picture profile of the man's face. Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too."

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture? »
 
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, hellooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2861 on: June 03, 2016, 08:13:57 AM »
I stopped at a red light behind a little old lady in a powder blue Chevy Cavalier..When the light changed, She put the car in reverse ,backed into the `Burb, Put the car in drive, turned hard to starboard and drove over the curb, went down a side street and ran the red light at the next intersection. I caught up to her sitting at green light texting her grandson and digging through her purse for parking meter change.  I walked up to her window and expressed my disbelief at the possibility  that she had a valid driver`s lic. she said..." Oh I don`t need one....My doctor asked how old I am and when I said 98, he took my license and cut in in half then tossed it in the trash and told me I don`t need one any longer"......
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2862 on: June 03, 2016, 08:15:38 AM »
Just in from the department of Sad but True.............
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline tauruck

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2863 on: June 03, 2016, 08:17:32 AM »
He was only treating the kid as another Gorilla. Those parents???????
They need to get locked up.

Offline Ron Gibson

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2864 on: June 03, 2016, 09:07:54 AM »
Not a joke but funny Canadian commercial.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/eryxAcsTcOA?rel=0

Ron
Life is an abrasive. Whether you get ground away or polished to a shine depends on what you are made of.