Author Topic: Stupid joke FRIDAY  (Read 2147911 times)

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Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #855 on: February 24, 2012, 10:02:04 AM »
Wake up, Jerry - it's Friday morning.

Ahh, he's probably out shoveling snow.

Anyway -

During a recent political debate, a journalist asked a candidate, "Have you ever had a sexual relationship with a prostitute?"
 
The candidate thought for an awkward moment, and then replied, "To the best of my knowledge, no."
 
This perked up the ears of quite a few folks in the hall, so the journalist pushed the candidate a bit harder - "Sir, to the best of your knowledge?"
 
After another awkward pause, the candidate finally confessed, "I wish I could be more concise, but it's tough to keep track of the professions all of my ex wives have gone into over the years."
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #856 on: February 24, 2012, 10:31:49 AM »
Happy FRIDAY, Chris :cheers: Do you know what a cat`s favorite drink on a hot summer day is ??.............Miced tea :cheers: :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline LSR Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #857 on: February 27, 2012, 04:18:33 PM »
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Mike M.
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #858 on: March 02, 2012, 09:58:56 AM »
What are the two fastest fish ????... The Motor Pike and Side Carp    :cheers: R.I P. Willie
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Ron Gibson

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #859 on: March 02, 2012, 10:19:06 AM »
The difference between A$$ Kissing and Brown Nosing. (SEE BELOW)




















DEPTH PERCEPTION   :-D

Ron















Life is an abrasive. Whether you get ground away or polished to a shine depends on what you are made of.

Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #860 on: March 02, 2012, 12:17:02 PM »
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #861 on: March 02, 2012, 01:06:54 PM »
www.conjunctivitus.com    - now there's a site for sore eyes

Robin

Offline jacksoni

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #862 on: March 02, 2012, 01:22:00 PM »
Only interesting in that they spelled it wrong. :cheers:
Jack Iliff
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Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #863 on: March 09, 2012, 01:04:23 AM »
Jerry was working out at the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing across the room.

He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked at the girl, and then looked at Jerry and said,

"Try the ATM in the lobby."
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #864 on: March 09, 2012, 07:33:18 AM »
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt form his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Wow, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

[Don't make me come 'splain this to you -- read the last line again, slowly -- out loud.]
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #865 on: March 09, 2012, 08:23:01 AM »
A small zoo in Capon Bridge, West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Elmer Lee Spitler, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Elmer Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Elmer Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Elmer Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Elmer Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Elmer Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."

Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Elmer Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #866 on: March 09, 2012, 12:49:16 PM »
Never take a turkey to church..........he may use fowl language  :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stan Back

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #867 on: March 11, 2012, 01:31:41 PM »
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.  The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.  The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"  The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"  The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic . . . "Try doing it with the engine running."
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #868 on: March 16, 2012, 09:25:19 AM »
Back on topic...Eh-hem............If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself, Is that a hostage crisis ? :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #869 on: March 16, 2012, 09:53:21 AM »
Back on topic...Eh-hem............If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself, Is that a hostage crisis ? :cheers:

If you asked me, I'd say it's open to debate.  But if you asked me, I'd say definitely.
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll: