Author Topic: Stupid joke FRIDAY  (Read 2148000 times)

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Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #210 on: October 26, 2009, 12:30:25 PM »
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, terrorism attacks, world war 3, global warming, my retirement savings, Social Security, my job, national health care, and my credit card debt... that I called Lifeline.   
 
Got a freakin' call center somewhere in Pakistan.   
I told them I was suicidal -
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...   :mrgreen:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #211 on: October 26, 2009, 01:35:45 PM »
The US troops in Afghanistan still have a sense of humor.  One of them sent this out and it's making the rounds:

YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF:
 
 
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against...

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.


And to that last one I'd add that anthrax is a venereal disease.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline landsendlynda

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #212 on: October 26, 2009, 02:00:50 PM »
LMAO!!  k.h.!!  Thanks!

Lynda
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Offline Dr Goggles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #213 on: October 29, 2009, 08:09:00 PM »
I need some serious man-to-man advice.  :-(

My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately.  She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer.  Jim, this, Jim that. :x

Well I let suspicion get the best of me.  I followed her to the gym.  After an hour, she came out with a man.  They got into his car and drove off.  I followed them to a house in Irvine.  They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out.  I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window.  As I approached the house, the lights came on.  I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it. 

I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide.  Just great.  What next??

So I'm really in a predictment.  What do I do?

Do you think it will buff out?  Or should I have the whole door repainted?

next time I drop her home I'll have a look at it for ya......

Kind regards , Jim


btw , it's Friday here...
Few understand what I'm trying to do but they vastly outnumber those who understand why...................

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Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #214 on: October 30, 2009, 12:53:33 AM »
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do
the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For
lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

“He said you're going to die," she replied.
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline PanchoPistoles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #215 on: October 30, 2009, 08:54:08 AM »
A very old man was walking along by a pond when he heard a voice call out.  He looked around but all he saw was a frog sitting on the bank. The frog said "hey old man, if you pick me up and kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and we will make wild, passionate love all day and night". The old man bent down and picked up the frog and put it in his coat pocket. The frog said "I don't think you understood me. You have to kiss me to turn me into a beautiful young woman so we can make wild, passionate love all day and night" The old man said "I understood you, but at my age I would rather have a talking frog".
I know how fast you were going.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #216 on: October 30, 2009, 09:22:24 AM »
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Dakzila

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #217 on: October 30, 2009, 01:07:42 PM »
 :-o

Swine Flu Warning........

"Marred by indecision; vision is blurred, confidence deteriorates and progress stagnates."

"It's not about what you did.....It's about what you do!"

 "Regret is part of the aging process and should never be confused with failure."

Offline racergeo

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #218 on: October 30, 2009, 05:40:59 PM »
  For the above few jokes I am laughing my lips off!!!!!! :lol:

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #219 on: October 30, 2009, 06:30:39 PM »
:-o

Swine Flu Warning........


I'm sorry to hear that my ex-wife isn't feeling well.
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #220 on: November 13, 2009, 07:51:04 AM »
What do call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #221 on: November 13, 2009, 10:14:04 AM »
I finally got around to going fishing this mornin, but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels. and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, Bockscar Lakester #1000 with a little N2O

Offline Dakzila

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #222 on: November 13, 2009, 11:17:52 AM »
A snake with a good taste for wiskey!!!!

Buzz
"Marred by indecision; vision is blurred, confidence deteriorates and progress stagnates."

"It's not about what you did.....It's about what you do!"

 "Regret is part of the aging process and should never be confused with failure."

Offline bbarn

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #223 on: November 13, 2009, 11:27:32 AM »
What do call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh

What do you call a deer with a one bad eye? A bad eye deer.  (say it fast and think "southern")
What do you call a deer with a two bad eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?  Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

Feel free after each one of these jokes to click on this http://instantrimshot.com/
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #224 on: November 13, 2009, 11:58:33 AM »
Quote
What do you call a dog with no legs?  Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

What do I call a dog with no legs? Cigarette.

I take him out for a drag every morning.
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.