Stupid joke FRIDAY

[Captthundarr]

What do you get when you cross a bullet with a tree that has no leaves ??...A cartridge in a bare tree..........

I asked Jerry about that spool of cat5 that runs to the top of his tree - He says it's for calling birds . . .

 

[floydjer]

A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says "What`ll you have' ?..The seal says " Anything except a Canadian Club"...

[floydjer]

Didn`t like that one? How about this..............What`s the difference between a Knight and a reindeer?   The Knight slays dragons , And  the reindeer  is draggin` a sleigh.

[LittleLiner]

 
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[Milwaukee Midget]

Didn`t like that one? How about this..............What`s the difference between a Knight and a reindeer?   The Knight slays dragons , And  the reindeer  is draggin` a sleigh.

Or perhaps a knight slaying a reindeer -


http://www.austinworks.com/minutes.html

Okay, he's wasn't a knight, but he was bestowed the O.B.E., and he IS a member of the 200 mph club.

Mmmmm . . . grilled venison.

[Stan Back]

"grilled venison" -- very good!

Also makes for a light meal.

[Captthundarr]

Ha ha "light meal" wach out for the glass bits.

[floydjer]

Ha ha "light meal" wach out for the glass bits.

Ol` Stan is always good for a bumper crop of puns...............................

[jimmy six]

 

 

THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA
 
 
 

[floydjer]

Jimmy, That was too good for this thread/day.................

[fastesthonda_jim]

Hey, I checked.  It's already Friday In Australia, okay?
Besides they need this so I thought I'd better get it out NOW.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.  

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.  

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.  

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.  

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.  

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.  

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.  

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.  

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.  

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.  

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.  

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.  

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
 
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up"

[theazoldcrow]

  That stuff is almost to true to be funny,,,,but it shoer is!

[jacksoni]

Old Blind Cowboy Joke
 
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.  After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress; 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.  In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters;
'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[floydjer]

Happy FRIDAY.>>>>What did the boy melon say to the girl melon   .." Sorry Honeydew, I cantaloupe"

[jacksoni]

Subject: Just sayin


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33.00 today.


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg plan.

And as a bonus...

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41
miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!