Author Topic: Stupid joke FRIDAY  (Read 2148006 times)

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Offline Peter Jack

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #780 on: November 04, 2011, 10:01:54 AM »
DO NOT OPEN THE SHEEPFINDER.  I clicked on it and it would not open.  Suddenly I was dealing with a virus called Troj/Sirefef-1.  I think I was lucky enough to stop the virus before it trashed the system. 

I opened it on the MAC without issue. It just seems to be the gateway to a bunch of other NZ sites. If you're using a PC it might be worth avoiding.

Pete

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #781 on: November 04, 2011, 02:22:35 PM »

Two Newfie’s are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #782 on: November 11, 2011, 08:48:51 AM »
A dog was laying on the shoulder of the road, giving birth  ,when a cop cited her for littering...................... :wink:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #783 on: November 11, 2011, 09:31:45 AM »
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!"St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #784 on: November 11, 2011, 09:33:17 AM »
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVERNMENT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife sometimes.

GOVERNMENT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one. Where is he?

RANCHER:  That would be me!
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #785 on: November 11, 2011, 11:04:43 AM »
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.  Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. 

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.......

'From all of us at the Fire Station - We'll never forget you.' "
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #786 on: November 18, 2011, 08:25:18 AM »
When an astronaut dies,..Does the family run an orbituary ? :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #787 on: November 18, 2011, 08:27:28 AM »
Pre-turkey day bonus...............This little green spaceman told me he was from a Dog  star..I said " You can`t be Sirius" :wink:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #788 on: November 18, 2011, 09:24:43 AM »
Some of you young 'ens may not understand this one......

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #789 on: November 18, 2011, 10:29:44 AM »
When an astronaut dies,..Does the family run an orbituary ? :cheers:

Yes, and the band plays "Lunartic Fringe".   :cheers:
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #790 on: November 18, 2011, 03:35:39 PM »
The old Indian walks into the bar carrying a dead cat and a bag of dog poop.

The bartender looks and wonders what the . . .

The old Indian asks for a whisky.

The bartender sets down a glass of whisky.

The old Indian throws back the whisky, takes a huge bite out of the dead cat, and then pulls out a gun and starts shooting the bag.

The bartender yells "What the hell are you doing?"

The old Indian says, "Me want to be like white man."
"Drink Whisky. Eat pussy. Shoot the sh*t."
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
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Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #791 on: November 18, 2011, 07:52:38 PM »
After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better... :cry:
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #792 on: November 25, 2011, 08:36:23 AM »
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede ??  Bacon and legs.... :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #793 on: November 25, 2011, 08:57:21 AM »
A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day. And then 2 days. And then 3 days.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said.....

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #794 on: December 02, 2011, 09:01:10 AM »
A guy goes to the doctor and tells him he can`t keep his hands from shaking. The doc. asks if he drinks much. The guys says " No, I spill most of it ...." :cheers:....?
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.