Stupid joke FRIDAY

[theazoldcrow]

Hickory dickory dock,    TWO mice ran up the clock!   The clock struck one, and the other escaped with insurable injuries!


The BEST pick-up line of 2011!!!  "Does this smell like chloroform to you?"               Crow.  LFFL

[fastesthonda_jim]

         A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
        The leader, a big burly man, (looked JUST like Noonan, but I  ain't sayin' fer sure) gets off his bike and says, "What  are you doing?"
        "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
        While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"      
        So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.    After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had!    
        That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
        "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Milwaukee Midget]

Hmm - 8:40 Friday, and Floydjer hasn't clocked in yet. 

Could only mean one of a couple of things -

He started his holiday bender early - OR - the feds finally caught up with him.

Have a great 4th of July weekend, y'all!

[floydjer]

Sorry I`m late Chris......................What animal  always breaks the law???... The Cheetah    Did I tell you my wife and I met in a revolving door?...we`re still going around together

[floydjer]

I`d travel to Mexico if I didn`t have to peso much for airfare...................................

[1212FBGS]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still up cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

[floydjer]

You don`t have to wait for me ...Why don`t penguins fly?? Because they`re too short to be pilots ......You know,... A boiled egg is hard to beat......

[WOODY@DDLLC]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! 'Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.… And you know men, won't ask for directions...

Keep your GPS handy, guys!   

[k.h.]

Now...an Ole and Lena Joke...
"Ole is on his deathbed. The doctor has told him he has only a few hours to live. He catches the scent of his favorite traditional cookies wafting through the air. With all the strength he can muster, he drags himself into the kitchen and sees a fresh pan cooling on the rack. He cuts one out and bites into the scrumptious treat.

Lena comes in, smacks his hand, and says, "Shame on you, Ole! Dese are for after da funeral"

[Dean Los Angeles]

Is this anybody we know?

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Ohh, boy -- I've gotta make sure Ron sees that one. . .

[WOODY@DDLLC]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this  under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[Rcktscientist]

Oldies, but good principals to be reminded of....

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just
leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you're not getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a
couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience .. and most of that comes from
bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.  Neither one
works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then
things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

[floydjer]

My wife is just a whiskey maker, But I love her still.................

[Pete1]

Little early for this but it's a good one.

         
                          Santa's New Ride

       

                           
             Twas the night before Christmas all over the
             place, When we were confronted by an old flying
             ace. There was icing reported and turbulent air,
             he said "file me a flight plan I gotta get
             there". Outside sat his aircraft already to run,
             and the old man walked out to that P-51. "Bad
             weather's no problem" he silently mumbled, The
             prop came to life.... that big dash9 Allison rumbled. He
             eased in the throttle, the roar shook the ground,
             he taxied on out and turned it around. He went
             through the run-up and seemed satisfied, So he
             said to himself, "I'm in for a ride". He lined
             it up straight as he poured on the coal, the
             tailwheel came up as he started to roll. Up off
             the runway he sucked up the gear, and that mighty
             V-12 was all you could hear. He screamed overhead
             with a deafining crack, The blue flames were
             flying from each shiny stack. He pulled up the
             nose and started to climb, no ice on that
             airframe....it didn't have time. On top of the
             weather, all levers were set, he looked up above
             and saw a Lear Jet. With jet fuel and turbines
             that just ain't no class, gimmee pistons, props,
             and lots of av-gas. Now he was approaching where he
             wanted to go, but the weather had covered the
             runway with snow. How will he land it?  We'll
             just have to guess, because the only way in was
             full ILS. Then over the marker he
             started his run, The ceiling was zero, visibility
             none. Still going 300 he felt the need, for an
             overhead break to diminish his speed. Over the
             number he zoomed  like a flash, pulled into his
             break we knew he would crash. Oh why do they do
             it on these kind of nights? Then over the
             threshold we saw landing lights. "I'm on short
             final with 3 in the green, and I see enough
             runway to land this machine". Then he tied down
             that Mustang and they all heard him say, "Next
             year I'm sticking to my reindeer and sleigh".