Stupid joke FRIDAY

[4-barrel Mike]

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

NEW Wine for Seniors
 
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.  It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

 





PINO MORE




I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE...

Sorry!

[Heebie Jeebies]

Just couldn't resist posting this...sorry!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. 
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead  Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The  Easter Bunny  jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,

turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and
again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"


The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

 It says..

"Hair Spray, Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."


Happy Easter!!!

 
Buzz1513B

[RICK]

I dated an anesthesiologist once.  She was a real knockout.

    Okay,, maybe twice.

[floydjer]

Who makes suits and eats spinach???.... Popeye the Tailorman   

[4-barrel Mike]

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.  'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.  'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'




'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

[jimmy six]

not friday but..

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the garage behind and underneath my race car.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
 
It was at that moment, crouched down under the race car,  I noticed a hairline crack in the 4 link mounting bracket on the rear end.
 
NOW I am at wits end...
 
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
 
Thanks!!!!

[Stainless1]

Damn JD, I saw that and said oh boy, it's friday already...   

Sorry to hear of your trouble, I'd replace the bracket, welding suspension pieces is not recommended 
 

[Captthundarr]

Replace both, I've done it a coule of times and it just gets better, handling and otherwise

[floydjer]

Guy walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm...says to the bartender..." I`ll have a beer and one for the road."........................

[floydjer]

FRIDAY bonus    (Q)What game do you play with a wombat???...(A)  Wom

[4-barrel Mike]

Some oldies from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a  Texas  Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

-----
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 

[theazoldcrow]

  To reiterate:  What do you get when you cross a peanut butter sandwich with a mule?   Either a hairy peanut butter sandwich,,,,or a piece of azz that sticks to the roof of your mouth!      Crow.  LFFL

[38flattie]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.
 
One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
 
 At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellows in here just before you."  

"I don't know" replies the man,  "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest....."

[38flattie]

My wife sent me this...


Why I Am now Divorced


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
He barely said good morning,
Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
And didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
My handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
When Rick knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
He came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
My kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....




On the couch....


Naked.
 

 

[1212FBGS]

Mikes crazy uncle in Red Bluff said this prayer on Easter dinner

DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN

kent