Author Topic: Stupid joke FRIDAY  (Read 2147459 times)

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Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #615 on: March 24, 2011, 03:19:52 PM »
I know it's not Friday, but maybe some of you haven't made any plans for the weekend and want to get a head start.

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to
commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better,
so I thought, Ford it, I think I can tough it out!


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Offline grumm441

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #616 on: March 24, 2011, 07:19:45 PM »
I know it's not Friday, but maybe some of you haven't made any plans for the weekend and want to get a head start.

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to
commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better,
so I thought, Ford it, I think I can tough it out!

Jim
It's OK
Don't let it get you down
It's Friday here in Australia
G
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https://www.dlra.org.au/rulebook.htm

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #617 on: March 25, 2011, 05:59:23 AM »
Why is the Easter Bunny`s nose shiny??  Because His powder puff is on the wrong end :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #618 on: March 25, 2011, 10:32:19 AM »
The roadster driver comes home to find his wife in bed with another guy.

He goes over to a drawer and pulls out a gun and puts it up to his head.

His wife yells, "No, No!"

He says, "Don't worry, you're next!"
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Offline Rcktscientist

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #619 on: March 25, 2011, 12:17:15 PM »
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you suburing me?

_________________________________________

(My Favorite)

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

(Another favorite)

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK?  What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral..

_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #620 on: March 30, 2011, 05:32:24 PM »
Two little boys, ages 5 and 7, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 5 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.  So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
 
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

 :cheers:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #621 on: April 01, 2011, 08:18:25 AM »
I`ll drift back on topic....................Did you hear that the entire crew of the Starship Enterprise are sick???... They all have Chicken Spocks :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #622 on: April 04, 2011, 09:54:50 PM »
I`ll drift back on topic....................Did you hear that the entire crew of the Starship Enterprise are sick???... They all have Chicken Spocks :cheers:

April Fools Day, and THIS was the BEST the Michigan Mad Man could come up with . . .  :cry:
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #623 on: April 08, 2011, 05:38:36 AM »
What would you call James Bond in the bathtub???......." Bubble O 7 " :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #624 on: April 08, 2011, 09:08:04 AM »
From IceColdMikey in Montreal:

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?  What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #625 on: April 08, 2011, 09:24:24 AM »
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy.

I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #626 on: April 08, 2011, 10:45:52 AM »
That Charlie Sheen is one tough SOB!

He took enough drugs to kill two-and-half-men, yet he's still alive! :cheers:

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #627 on: April 08, 2011, 11:25:03 AM »
Hey Chris.................
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #628 on: April 15, 2011, 08:15:14 AM »
Where do pigs keep their cars??  ..In Porking lots :cheers:  Tax day (traditionaly) bonus,,,Why don`t grizzlies wear shoes?? They like to go bear foot. :roll: And remember, Mosquitos can fly, But flies can`t mosquito.
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

McRat

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #629 on: April 15, 2011, 09:34:49 AM »
True story:

Went to court on Wed.  Our attorney messed up the paperwork, so the judge wouldn't hear the motion.

Driving home on the freeway, the attorney passes us, with his phone glued to his ear.  He doesn't see us.

Right then, Kathy's car phone rings.  

Kat:  "Hello?"

Attorney:  "OPPSS!  My phone must have butt dialed you by mistake."

Pat:  "Well that explains alot ..."


« Last Edit: April 15, 2011, 09:37:06 AM by McRat »