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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1201490 times)

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Offline Rcktscientist

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #600 on: March 04, 2011, 10:17:08 AM »
I'm sure this one doesn't apply to LSR guys, probably just Nascar...

A Professor of Physiology was teaching a lesson about involuntary muscle reactions. Noticing he was losing his audience he decided to spice the lesson up a bit. He picked on the prettiest gal in class and asked her does she know what her Acura is doing when she is having an orgasm. She replied sure, he's in the garage working on his race car....

Remember, I vill be here all of zee week!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #601 on: March 04, 2011, 11:46:00 AM »
Olive oil is made from olives,..Corn oil is made from corn.....What is baby oil made from??? :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #602 on: March 04, 2011, 11:56:00 AM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

Now remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper - no bleeps or xxxs:

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
 
Second place:
 
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
 
And the winning entry:
 
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

Note:  a search of www.washingtonpost.com finds a claim that this particular contest never took place, however, the winning results of several of the weekly contests are not available in their archives, so who knows if the opening claim is accurate - Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Breck

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #603 on: March 04, 2011, 12:17:25 PM »
Hey

In line with the above:  During the attempted Clinton impeachment, had only 13 democratic Senators _risen_ to the occasion, then  "Near Miss" Lewinsky would have _gone down_ in history, as the women who blew Bill Clinton away.

and cuss it bad joke Friday:

What did Eve say to Adam after they got kicked out of the Garden of Eden?

"Do these leaves make my butt look big?"

Somethings never change.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2011, 12:28:54 PM by Breck »

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #604 on: March 05, 2011, 08:57:15 AM »
Olive oil is made from olives,..Corn oil is made from corn.....What is baby oil made from??? :cheers:

KY jelly?
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

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Offline grumm441

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #605 on: March 05, 2011, 10:29:18 PM »
Olive oil is made from olives,..Corn oil is made from corn.....What is baby oil made from??? :cheers:

KY jelly?

KY jelly and baby powder?
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #606 on: March 11, 2011, 07:44:30 AM »
What is grey, Eats fish and lives in Wash. D.C. ??.....The Presidential Seal :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline wolbrink471

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #607 on: March 11, 2011, 08:27:33 AM »
A younger guy starts emptying his shopping basket at the grocery checkout...

couple of frozen pizzas
chocolate frosted chocolate poptarts
loaf of squishy white bread
half pound of bologna with the floating olives
case of cheap beer

The cute checkout girl rings in the last item, looks up at the guy and asks,"You're single aren't ya?"

The guy nods yes and asks "how did you know, was it the beer or the pizza?"

"Nah, you are just really ugly!"
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Offline Breck

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #608 on: March 11, 2011, 12:03:19 PM »
An old bull and young bull were sitting on a hill, looking down at the cows.  The young bull says: Lets run down the hill and have sex with one of those cows!

  The old bull says nah, lets walk down and have sex with them all.   :cheers:

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #609 on: March 11, 2011, 12:07:58 PM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER



HollywoodSquares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'HollywoodSquares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.


Q If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A... Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the  Camp FireGirls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.  What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #610 on: March 18, 2011, 09:02:08 AM »
Why was the skeleton lonely??... Because he had no body :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline LSR Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #611 on: March 18, 2011, 10:51:31 AM »
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are tipping toddies at the local pub…

As good as this pub is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."


"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Mike M.
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Offline MC 1314

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #612 on: March 18, 2011, 12:20:09 PM »
Nobody tells em like an Irishman from Dublin...Ohio??
Bob
It's just a case of too soon old and too late smart. Will Penny

Offline LSR Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #613 on: March 19, 2011, 09:45:14 AM »
Nobody tells em like an Irishman from Dublin...Ohio??
Bob

Suburb of Columbus, Oh.  :cheers:
Mike M.
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Offline MC 1314

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #614 on: March 19, 2011, 12:05:31 PM »
Hi Mike
I'm old and my brain is full Just can' remember all the great stuff I once knew (or thought I knew).
It's just a case of too soon old and too late smart. Will Penny