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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1201417 times)

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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #60 on: April 12, 2009, 11:33:04 AM »
Well, I see my bass player joke brought the the everyday thread to a screeching halt. :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #61 on: April 12, 2009, 12:05:21 PM »
Well, I see my bass player joke brought the the everyday thread to a screeching halt. :cheers:

Anything dealing with bass players tends to slow things down.
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #62 on: April 12, 2009, 03:24:19 PM »
 :-o  Unless it's a bass playing whale!!!  That would really stop things!  Crow
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #63 on: April 12, 2009, 03:27:41 PM »
 :-D
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #64 on: April 13, 2009, 11:05:48 AM »
This is either early or late... retired guys never know what day it is.....  :-D

Fort Worth Police today reported finding an unidentified male body in the Trinity River.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was wearing fishnet stockings, high heels, a garter belt, a strap-on, make-up, and an Obama T-shirt. 
They also found a cucumber protruding from his rectum.

The police thoughtfully removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
Stainless
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MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline Glen

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #65 on: April 13, 2009, 11:20:02 AM »
Sure glad racing starts in a few weeks. And that ain't no joke. Have had the salt fever since 1953 and a little El Mirage dirt fever for the same period. I guess the dirt fix will be first, then the big fix in August.
« Last Edit: April 13, 2009, 12:07:29 PM by Glen »
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Offline fredvance

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #66 on: April 13, 2009, 02:35:50 PM »
I got a mini-fix at the Texas Mile two weeks ago :cheers: Now the 4 months to Speedweek doesn't seem very far off. :-D
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Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #67 on: April 13, 2009, 09:22:16 PM »
we have to entertain ourselves somehow...
here is a bunch of odd facts...

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.   
 
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb). 

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
   
Women blink twice as often as men. 

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
   
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 

 
Women reading this will be finished now. 

Men are still busy checking their thumbs. 

Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline Tzoom

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #68 on: April 13, 2009, 10:16:55 PM »
Received from a friend today:

The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. one is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I've been married for 20+years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels & a mask just over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here is how it went:

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over & found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos & a mask. He saw me & said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.." We made love all night long.

The mistress:

The other night I met my lover at his office & I was wearing the >leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes & a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to tell my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, & a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door & saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports ... all others are games --- Ernest Hemingway

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #69 on: April 16, 2009, 07:17:18 PM »
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard four pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline Geo

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #70 on: April 16, 2009, 08:52:32 PM »
Hmmmm...  Seems to be the beer problem.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #71 on: April 17, 2009, 08:52:34 AM »
Guy goes to a bar where he meets a shapely blonde. They hit it off and,after a few drinks, Go to "her place". After several rounds of wild monkey love he looks over at the night stand and sees a picture of a man.  "Good Lord you`re married"!!! He shouts. "No" she replies "That`s me before the operation" :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #72 on: April 21, 2009, 01:13:59 PM »
This good old boy from Texas arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter invites him in to explore the glory of Heaven. After looking everything over, St. Peter asks him what he thinks of Heaven. The good old boy says, "Well . . . We've got bigger in Dallas."

St. Peter is put off by this. He gives him a more extensive tour. The good old boy says, "Well . . . We've still got bigger and better in Dallas."

St. Peter is fuming at this point. He takes him over to the edge and points down to the flames of Hell. "Have you got bigger and better in Dallas?"

The good old boy scratches his head for a moment and says, "Well . . . No."

"But we've got some boys over in Houston that can put that thing out!"
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #73 on: April 24, 2009, 08:09:11 AM »
Guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The full time he`s in the exam. room a big,fat Tabby cat lays on a counter looking at him. When the doc. needs an instrument, he calls in a black retriever to "fetch' it for him. Exam complete, He walks to the front desk and the nurse says, "That`ll be  $2,759 Dollars, Please." Shocked by the price, the guy asks for  a break-down of the costs. She replies; " $259 for the exam, $500 for the "Lab work" and $2,000 for the "Cat scan" :cheers:  P.S.  My wife, The Radiologic Technologist, thinks that`s the funniest thing ever.
« Last Edit: April 24, 2009, 10:40:12 AM by floydjer »
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #74 on: April 24, 2009, 01:08:14 PM »
Courtesy of a friend of mine, Peter Lamb -

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
 
 
1. A Bible.
 2. A silver dollar.
 3. A bottle of  whisky.
 4. And a Playboy magazine.
 
 
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
 
 
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.
 
 
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold. 'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered 'He's gonna run for Congress.
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!