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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1155205 times)

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Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #555 on: December 10, 2010, 11:23:40 PM »
When my niece was little her dad was catching hell from mom for saying . . . hell.

His response to my niece was to point up to the sky and say, "See that up there? That's a hecktacopter"
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #556 on: December 17, 2010, 04:19:32 AM »
Which is the laziest mountain??......Mount Ever-rest :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Dakzila

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #557 on: December 17, 2010, 01:21:26 PM »
Doctor David had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
 long.

 No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
 The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

 But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice
 in his head that said,

 "David, don't worry about it.  She's a bitch anyway, and you aren't the first medical practitioner
 to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last."

 "And you're single. Just let it go, David."

 But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
 whispering:

 "David . . . you're a veterinarian, you sick SOB!"
"Marred by indecision; vision is blurred, confidence deteriorates and progress stagnates."

"It's not about what you did.....It's about what you do!"

 "Regret is part of the aging process and should never be confused with failure."

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #558 on: December 17, 2010, 02:22:49 PM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She   writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.  Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed..

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!  Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!  There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #559 on: December 24, 2010, 03:42:55 AM »
News flash**************The Energizer Bunny has been arrested...He was charged with battery. :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #560 on: December 24, 2010, 12:39:42 PM »
News flash**************The Energizer Bunny has been arrested...He was charged with battery. :cheers:
Pa rum pa pum pum . . .
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #561 on: December 24, 2010, 01:13:02 PM »
Dear Kids:

There is no Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents and relatives.

Love, WikiLeaks.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #562 on: December 31, 2010, 07:52:28 AM »
A  love struck teenager asks his father how much it costs to get married....Dad says " I don`t know....I`m still paying....."
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #563 on: December 31, 2010, 08:40:55 AM »
Why Italians Pass Their Handguns Down Through The Family‏

An Old Italian man is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside... “Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #564 on: December 31, 2010, 09:39:38 AM »
This one is for Bob Wanner.  It may have been posted here in the dim, dark past -- but here it is anyway.

There was a fellow that had an unusual gastrointestinal problem, in that whenever he passed gas the sound was just like that of a motorcycle exhaust.  He was, of course, embarrassed enough that he visited his doctor, a few specialists in digestive ailments and diseases, and so on -- with no relief.  One of the docs, though, suggested that this guy go see an oriental physician that was widely-known for diagnosing unusual problems.  So -- our noisy guy made an appointment with Dr. Chang.

The good doctor asked a few questions about the guy's diet, bowel habits, and even the exercise regimen he followed.  That didn't bring up any answers, so the doctor next asked if the man had any trouble with his teeth.

"Why, yes, I do", said the guy.  "My gum is swollen right under two of my teeth."

"Ah so", said the Oriental.  He immediately prescribed some antibiotics for the inflamed gumline and sent the guy home - with a request that he return in two weeks for a follow-up.

two weeks later at the appointment the doctor asked about the strange eructations (fancy word for noise made by gas escaping from the body).  The fellow was pleased to report that he now could break wind silently with the best of them -- no more "vroom-vroom" or anything.  He thanked the doctor and asked him how he was able to diagnose the problem. 

The doctor replied:  Ancient Chinese proverb - says "Abcess makes the fart go Honda".
Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
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Offline 38flattie

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #565 on: December 31, 2010, 05:30:40 PM »

 Her Diary:

 Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans
to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say
much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if
it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it
had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way
home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally,
with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he
responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he
was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell
asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

LSR car wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got a little.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead. -- RFC 1925

You can't make a race horse out of a pig. But if you work hard enough at it you can make a mighty fast pig. - Bob Akin

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Offline Peter Jack

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #566 on: December 31, 2010, 06:51:20 PM »
I resemble that remark, I'm also divorced. :-( :-( :-(

Pete

Offline sabat

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #567 on: January 07, 2011, 07:43:14 AM »
A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window, and mutters 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her in back, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

Now, the trooper is totally confused.

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir’.

The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes…'

Offline Rcktscientist

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #568 on: January 07, 2011, 12:01:21 PM »
The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."
 
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
 
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.

They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?" :-o


Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #569 on: January 07, 2011, 12:41:53 PM »
When tempted to fight fire with fire, Remember....The fire department uses water. :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.