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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1155225 times)

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Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #510 on: September 17, 2010, 09:46:02 AM »
 :-D AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #511 on: September 24, 2010, 07:24:25 AM »
A couple who have been married 50 years are walking across a field when they come to an old wishing well. The guy tosses in a coin and makes a wish.  The lady leans over the edge to drop her coin and falls to her death. The man says ' I`ll be darned.....These things do work"
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #512 on: September 24, 2010, 11:15:19 AM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #513 on: October 01, 2010, 06:44:36 AM »
If a clock is still hungry after it eats, Does it go back for seconds??  :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline t russell

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #514 on: October 01, 2010, 09:33:34 PM »
From my brother in law , How do you know if your cat is a redneck



It walks in to the living room and throws dynomite into the fish bowl.

terry

Offline relaxedphit

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #515 on: October 02, 2010, 06:52:57 PM »
I once accused a fiend of mine of fishing with dynamite and he got a real hurt look on his face and said "you know I ain't used dynamite since Honda came out with those little generators." Redneck gone high-tech.

Offline Dakzila

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #516 on: October 03, 2010, 12:15:58 PM »
 :-D  A great mental picture!!!!

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the
time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his
problem.  The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have
a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the
examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one
finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his
head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the
right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip
on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt.  The doctor then told the
midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"  The midget replied,
"Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.  What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots..."
"Marred by indecision; vision is blurred, confidence deteriorates and progress stagnates."

"It's not about what you did.....It's about what you do!"

 "Regret is part of the aging process and should never be confused with failure."

Offline pookie

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #517 on: October 03, 2010, 01:42:22 PM »
  Hey Dakzila.  Now  that is a really funny joke.. I am still laughing 10 minutes after the fact.... Good on you!!!  Mike R.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #518 on: October 08, 2010, 06:48:18 AM »
A friend uses both left and right handed shot guns for deer hunting.......He`s bambi-dextrous
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #519 on: October 15, 2010, 04:41:45 AM »
Is this thing on????.....A lawyer opened a bar...All they served were Supeona Coladas :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #520 on: October 15, 2010, 08:06:25 AM »
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff loves Friday  :mrgreen:

An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.  Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea.  He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, hows about gettin me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?". The waitress nodded so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave. He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Moxnix

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #521 on: October 15, 2010, 09:33:25 AM »
NASCAR would be an interesting motorsport if half the cars were running in the opposite direction.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #522 on: October 15, 2010, 04:11:02 PM »
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bas*%$ds at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna
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Offline 55chevr

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #523 on: October 15, 2010, 04:43:04 PM »
Moxnix ... they sorta do this at the local 1/4 mile, call it figure 8 and it isnt that interesting ...

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #524 on: October 22, 2010, 06:33:36 AM »
What is a caveman`s favorite sandwich??....The Club :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.