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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1155242 times)

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Offline Gwillard

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #495 on: August 26, 2010, 10:38:54 PM »
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is:  Always keep your condoms in your car.
Will weld for beer :cheers:

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #496 on: August 27, 2010, 12:47:45 PM »
Is reading jokes written on bathroom stalls considered multi-tasking???
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline doug odom

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #497 on: August 27, 2010, 01:04:40 PM »
My wife joined DAM ...............  Mothers again"t Dyslexia
Doug Odom in big ditch

How old would you be now if you didn't know how old you are?
If you can't race it or take it to bed - it ain't worth having.

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #498 on: August 27, 2010, 10:36:12 PM »
The economy is so bad that: I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The Mafia is laying off judges. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Thank you, thank you.  I'll be here all weekend.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline John Noonan

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #499 on: August 27, 2010, 11:32:24 PM »
The economy is so bad that: I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The Mafia is laying off judges. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Thank you, thank you.  I'll be here all weekend.


The BEST so far ! !  ! ! !

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #500 on: September 03, 2010, 07:00:00 AM »
Why can`t you starve in the desert??  Because of the sand which is everywhere   :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline A2WindTunnel

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #501 on: September 03, 2010, 07:09:58 AM »
The answers are blowing in the wind...
www.A2WT.com
http://www.facebook.com/pages/AERODYN-A2-WIND-TUNNEL/259986785465
@A2WindTunnel #A2WindTunnel

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #502 on: September 03, 2010, 01:13:00 PM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to  Afghanistan.'

An old M/Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,  'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'



'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer call it the cockpit'

'It's the Box Office.'
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #503 on: September 10, 2010, 05:05:02 AM »
Why couldn`t the bicycle stand on it`s own?? Because it was two tired :cheers: ( at least I stay on topic)
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #504 on: September 10, 2010, 08:39:54 AM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Nude Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
 
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air . "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope... just when it's raining."
 
 :roll:

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #505 on: September 10, 2010, 01:37:01 PM »
Charley went to the cemetery to visit a recently passed friend.

As he was walking through the grounds, much to his horror he noticed there were recent burials and the body was exposed.

In fact, he noticed a whole row where they were buried with the butt sticking out of the ground.

Charley stormed into the office and demanded to know what was going on.

The office manager calmly informed him that they were short on bicycle racks.
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline Freud

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #506 on: September 10, 2010, 08:15:03 PM »
Funny, not as a joke but as an event.

It's worth a few minutes.

Probably happened at Dan's impound.


How fast can you take a Jeep apart, then put it back together?
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gD78rTF0Rjo


FREUD
Since '63

Offline racefan

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #507 on: September 16, 2010, 09:47:23 AM »
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant , and there was a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since
he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air,
and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre
and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest
dreams and he shared his.. .. She listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful
time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said,
"You are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way? "

"No, " she replied. . ...........


" You just happened to catch my eye. "
« Last Edit: September 16, 2010, 09:56:14 AM by racefan »

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #508 on: September 17, 2010, 08:26:22 AM »
How many ears does Mr. Spock have??  Three ...left ear, right ear and the final front ear. :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #509 on: September 17, 2010, 08:43:40 AM »
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff loves Fridays:

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

 :cheers:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!