Stupid joke FRIDAY

[Constant Kinetics]

most of the credit for this one belongs to Flip Wilson:

      A land speed racing team finally had their lakester ready for a test run. Not far away was a pretty much abbandoned farm road that almost never saw any traffic. While setting up, they attract the attention of a neighborhood kid, who rides over on his minibike to check it out.
      "Wow! Ive never seen anything like that before! What is it?" says the kid.
     "That's our lakester, we're gonna try and set the new land speed record with it." the driver replies proudly.
      "Can I watch?" the boy asks.
      "Sure." agrees the driver.
     The lakester takes off, the kid right behind it riding on his minibike. The driver sees him and laughs smugly.
      "Now its time to open 'er up" the driver says to himself. The driver accelerates hard. The lakester is picking up speed, faster, faster, " and the kid thought he could keep up on a minibike."
      At a little over 200, the driver looked back and not only was the kid keeping up, he was gaining on him! Doing a double take, the driver actually watched as the minibike passed him up. Frustrated, the driver begins slowing down. By the time he comes to a complete stop, the kid is coming back over to the lakester fast, BACKWARDS!
       SMASH!!!! the kid and minibike hit the parked lakester. The minibike is in pieces and the dazed kid is sprawled out on the hood.
      "Kid, are you okay?" the driver asked, shocked by everything that just happened.
      "I think so." he replies in a shaky voice.
      "Can I do anything to help?" the concerned driver asks.
      "My susspenders snagged on your car, can you unhook them?"

[4-barrel Mike]

Barrasso stops Billy Carter Service Station Museum from becoming national park

By Alex Pappas -- The Daily Caller | Published: 11:00 AM 07/23/2010 | Updated: 1:03 PM 07/23/2010

The gas station of former President Jimmy Carter’s beer drinking brother will not become a national historic site paid for by taxpayers — at least, not yet.

Legislation that would expand the former president’s national historic site by 30 acres at a cost of $17 million over five years was pulled from consideration during a Senate committee meeting Thursday. Republican Sen. John Barrasso of Wyoming offered an amendment preventing the Billy Carter Service Station Museum from being included in the expansion, making the Georgia museum a national park. The House has already passed similar legislation.

“The Los Angeles Times posed the question best: ‘In the age of the $787-billion stimulus package, it is, perhaps, a modest question: Should the American taxpayer foot the bill to enshrine the gas station run by the late Billy Carter?’’ Barrasso said during the meeting. “I believe the answer is no.”

The younger Carter was known for his outlandish behavior while his older brother was president, including his promotion of “Billy Beer.”




According to Barrasso’s office, it is unclear when the bill will receive a vote, though his office says he “will continue to fight to ensure that no taxpayer dollars are used to support the Billy Carter Gas Station.”

The Billy Carter Gas Station is privately owned, but its ownership would be transferred to the government if the legislation is approved. The gas station has old gasoline pumps, stacked tires outside, colorful articles from Carter’s closet, commendations from around the world and “Billy Beer” paraphernalia.

“Mother always believed — and she convinced the rest of us — that Billy was the most brilliant member of the family,” said Jimmy Carter, according to a past Associated Press report. “And I don’t think anybody would doubt that.”

Billy Carter died in 1988 of cancer.

http://dailycaller.com/2010/07/23/barrasso-stops-billy-carter-service-station-museum-from-becoming-national-park/

[floydjer]

What do call a calf that is over 6 months old??? ...........  7 months old

[theazoldcrow]

The best way to catch a rabbit?    Sit behind a bush, and make a noise like a carrot!          Crow.

[floydjer]

I wanted to be a history teacher until I found out there was no future in it..........................

[Dean Los Angeles]

I wanted to be a history teacher until I found out there was no future in it..........................

Hey me too! I used to watch the History Channel, but it's nothing but re-runs.

[4-barrel Mike]

  On his 77th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a cure for erectile dysfunction.

  After being persuaded, Pete drove to the reservation and handed his gift certificate to the medicine man.

  The medicine man produced a potion, handed it to Pete, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

  Pete was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

  The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4;' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

  Eager to see if it would work, Pete went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3". Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

  His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

  And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. ... Because we could end up with a dangling participle...........

 

[landsendlynda]

 Mike               

Lynda

[floydjer]

A guy  goes to the emergency room and says he feels like a deck of cards.....The doc. says" I`ll deal with you later"

[4-barrel Mike]

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
 
His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
 
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
 
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.'
 
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
 
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
 
 

---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

[stwheeler]

 
WHEN
I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a
couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed  it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.

''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of
this  Horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat  the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you
 a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[floydjer]

I know a guy who`s a  Dyslexic Devil worshipper....He sold his soul to Santa..............

[4-barrel Mike]

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

FIRST TIME SEX 
 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
 

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.   
 
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the  pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[k.h.]

Question:

Upon entering a laboratory, you see an experiment. How do you know which class it belongs to?

Answer:

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.

If it stinks, it's chemistry.

If it doesn't work, it's physics.

[will6er]

I know a guy who`s a  Dyslexic Devil worshipper....He sold his soul to Santa..............

Maybe he believes in Dog.