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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1201422 times)

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Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #465 on: July 02, 2010, 01:22:13 PM »
 :cheers:  And to cure the hiccups.....stick your head in a bucket of water three times,,,,,,,,,but only take it out twice.                        Also,,,,,,I LOVE children,,,,,,,,baked, broiled or fried!!     Happy 4th holiday to you all!    Crow.
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #466 on: July 02, 2010, 01:44:19 PM »
Ok, one bad pun deserves another:
 

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,





Wait for it.  Wait for it..




You're just gonna love this..







Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #467 on: July 02, 2010, 04:52:48 PM »
Where do bees go to pee?

A BP station.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #468 on: July 03, 2010, 10:18:28 AM »
 :-D  One of my favorite late Aunts jokes.  Every time I hear it I think of her!   Thank you!     Crow.
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #469 on: July 09, 2010, 08:30:50 AM »
What has more lives than a cat???  A frog...They croak every night
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #470 on: July 09, 2010, 01:02:47 PM »
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff sent along this new Microsoft product:



He says that it is typical Microsoft: they'll have version 1.1 out on Monday; it will have a bigger eraser.

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline doug odom

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #471 on: July 09, 2010, 01:40:48 PM »
The version 1.2 will have " PRINT " on the lead end and " DELETE " on the eraser end.
Doug Odom in big ditch

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Offline geh458

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #472 on: July 09, 2010, 01:48:36 PM »
ATTABOY's

ATTABOY's are awarded to those that do good deeds, finish a job ahead of schedule, set a new record, etc.  The collection of 1000 ATTABOY's earns you the respect and admiration of your peers, and entitles you to be a leader of men.

But remember, one AHSH*T wipes the board clean, and you have to start over.
Gifford Hawn

Vintage Sports Car Racer looking to convert.......

healewis

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #473 on: July 14, 2010, 08:10:20 AM »
didn't want to go through 30 odd pages to see if this was already in the thread so I apologise if it is :lol:

Two snow men in field full of snow, one turns to the other, takes a few sniffs and says "Can you smell carrots?"
 :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #474 on: July 14, 2010, 09:08:57 AM »
Railroad tracks.

The  US  standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

 
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the  US  railroads.

 
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

 
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
 
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in  England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
 
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial  Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including  England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

 
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

 
Since the chariots were made for Imperial  Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

 
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's Acura came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

 
Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in  Utah
 
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
 
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's Acura. And you thought being a horse's Acura wasn't important?
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #475 on: July 16, 2010, 05:21:12 AM »
If your pet fish goes deaf, do you buy it a herring aid????? :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #476 on: July 16, 2010, 10:42:45 AM »
Incident At Cabela's

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite
rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a
good all around combination; and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll
take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops
on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At
first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is
no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only
person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be
$34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale
for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is
$20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is
$3.50.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline aircap

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #477 on: July 16, 2010, 08:22:27 PM »
I love it. (my Dad was howling)
"Act your age, not your shoe size". - Prince

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #478 on: July 23, 2010, 08:52:51 AM »
I put on a clean pair of socks every day this week................Now my shoes don`t fit.....................
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #479 on: July 23, 2010, 09:48:56 AM »
News from a friend out West:

GOOD

A Boise, Idaho policeman had a perfect
spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the
problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign,
which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an
accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full
of money.

(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

 

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Moscow,
Idaho. A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.



BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Idaho State Trooper walked to her
car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball."
He replied, "Idaho State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his
patrol car and left.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut